Guilt
After Anna left Kristoff's apartment, she decided to walk back home. It was a long distance and the weather was cold, but she needed some time on her own to think things through. Walking had always helped her clear her mind, and she desperately needed to understand how her life had changed so much in just a few weeks.
In the lapse of just two weeks, Anna had not only found out about Elsa's powers, but she had learnt she was her older sister. And now, due to her stupidity, her relationship with Kristoff was going through a rough patch. She wanted to believe it was just a fight, a temporary one. But still, the feeling of hopelessness at that moment was unbearable. They had always been there for each other whenever they felt down, but now she couldn't turn to him.
Truth was, Anna had visited Kristoff that day not only because she wanted to know how he and Elsa were doing; but because she needed him. She needed to talk to someone about her family and the way things were. Her parents hadn't been the same since they saw Elsa again. Especially since they saw the way she took the news. Anna was trying to stay strong for her family, but each passing day things were getting harder and harder, and she couldn't help but feel it was her fault. All she had wanted to do was the right thing. She believed that doing the right thing was going to help them get their life on track once again, but her plans had backfired and everything had turned for the worse.
Now that things looked like they couldn't get worse, there was nothing she could do but face the reality she was living. Even if she didn't want to, she had to face the truth that her parents, who had always showered her with love, had lied to her all her life. She had to accept they had left Elsa alone in the middle of the night. She had to make up her mind that maybe things were never going to be the same again. Not for her, nor Kristoff's family.
She walked at a slow pace, not bothering about the falling snow nor the freezing wind. She had no hurry to reach her home and face the disaster her life had become. But it didn't matter how slowly she walked or how long she wandered the city, she was going to reach her house at some point and life was going to come crashing down on her.
It was already dark outside when she entered her house and sat down on the couch by the window. Her mother, who had been wondering where she had been, came into the living room when she heard her.
"Anna, there you are. I was getting worried," said Idunn letting a sigh of relief when she saw her. She then noticed Anna's crestfallen expression. "Are you okay, sweetheart?"
Anna shook her head, showing her mother she was not okay, but stayed silent looking out the window. Strolling back home had helped, but she still didn't feel like talking to anyone about her argument with Kristoff.
"Want to talk about it?"
"No," she answered. "There's no point in talking about it."
It was so weird for Idunn to hear her daughter talk in that way. Anna was a person who always needed to voice her worries. "Why don't you try? Maybe talking can help-"
"I don't want to talk, mum," she interrupted.
"Anna-" she began to say, but stopped. She knew Anna was going to open up when she felt the need to. But as her mother she couldn't help but worry for her. Idunn knew Anna was mature and responsible when life needed her to be, but Idunn felt she was putting too much pressure on her shoulders trying to bring the family back together. Even when she didn't agree with the decisions they had made in the past, Anna was doing everything in her power to set things right.
Mother and daughter stayed in the living room in silence after that. Idunn had picked a book to read and distract her mind from her worries, while Anna just sat on the couch looking at the falling snow.
An hour later, Anna stopped looking out the window and began paying attention to her mother. She paid attention to her eyes and the shape of her face. To the way her eyebrows knitted together when she was reading something she didn't clearly understand. And she noticed Elsa and her mother weren't all that different. Sure the hair colour was completely different, but if she focused hard enough, she could identify some traits. It seemed impossible to think Elsa had been part of her family at some point in life, but nature had a funny way of telling her it was true.
Not being able to stop herself, Anna asked, "Why didn't you mention I had an older sister?"
Idunn, who had not been expecting a question, especially not that one, put her book aside and looked at Anna before saying, "what was there to say? Sweety, you have an older sister who we abandoned when she was a baby because we couldn't raise her?" She took a deep breath and added, "there isn't an easy way to say something like that to your child."
"It isn't really different from what you said to me two weeks ago," Anna reasoned. "You could have tried to explain things to me."
"We were - and still are - really ashamed of what we did Anna. It is really hard for us to talk about it, even if we only wanted what was best for her." Idunn put her hands on her lap, trying to keep them from shaking. Talking about Elsa with Anna still proved to be a challenge.
"Do you regret abandoning her?" asked Anna. She knew there existed the probability that her mother wasn't going to be completely honest with her, but she needed to know.
Different to what Anna expected, Idunn answered in a heartbeat. "Everyday. Even before we found out your sister-in-law was Elsa. She has always been in my mind in some way or another." She took a deep breath to calm her nerves. A sad smile formed on her face when she noticed how interested Anna was in her answer. "I wish I could change the past. I know you must be ashamed of us. I feel I've failed you, and there's nothing I can do to amend my mistakes."
"You didn't fail me," said Anna. She was hurt for the lies and the secrets, but her parents had always helped her in everything she needed. "I may be disappointed in you, but you have always been there for me. Even now, when I'm not sure I've forgiven you, you are here trying to make me feel better…" She took a moment and then said, "I think you failed Elsa. I feel it's unfair I got to enjoy your unconditional love while Elsa was pushed aside just because she was different."
Idunn looked down in shame, knowing exactly that what Anna was saying was true. It didn't matter how much they had tried to keep Elsa by their side, at the end, her powers had forced them to leave her in that clinic. So in a way, it was true… But she needed Anna to know they hadn't just pushed her aside and forgot about her. "There was a time we tried to make things right. We tried to find Elsa after some years," confessed Idunn, catching Anna's attention.
"What?"
"After a couple of years living here, your father and I couldn't keep living in secrecy and we came clean about our relationship. We then decided to get married," she began. "Your grandfather was still against our union, so he cut ties with us, not allowing your father to work in the company anymore."
"I can't believe Grandfather would do something like that." She thought about those times she had asked her father about her grandfather. How he would always say they weren't close. She now understood why.
"Anyway, we still struggled with money, but at least your father had graduated. He was getting more job offers, as I worked at a store," continued Idunn. She didn't feel like discussing about Runeard with her daughter. She still hadn't forgiven her father-in-law for treating Agdar the way he had. "We were raising as much money as possible to be able to return for Elsa and attend to her needs. We were even discussing the possibility of going back to Romsdal and get her back at the time, but then we found out we were expecting you."
'Oh, no,' thought Anna. Hoping her parents hadn't chosen her over Elsa.
"I'm sorry to say this, sweety; but you can imagine you weren't in our plans at that moment. We had jobs and a plan, but we still didn't know how to raise Elsa and now you were on the way," she explained, apologising for saying something like that to her daughter. "So we were forced to make a hard decision once again. And since Elsa was, as far as we knew, in a safe environment, we chose to wait to get her back." Idunn then noticed Anna's sadness, and walked to the couch where she was sitting. She sat by her side, and put a reassuring hand on her shoulder.
Anna tried to smile to her, but she felt guilty. Even if she hadn't asked to be born, knowing Elsa had been so close to get back to her family hurt. "What happened then?" She knew there was more to that story, if not her mother would have never told her.
"It wasn't until a couple of years later, that we tried to find her. But things didn't turn up the way we expected." She looked out the window as she remembered those days where they had tried in vain to find Elsa. "The clinic where we had left Elsa in Romsdal was empty, and no-one in town knew where the people in charge were. Dr. Weselton had closed it all of a sudden. And they said the few children who lived at the clinic's orphanage were adopted or taken to different cities. But no one knew where. We tried to find Weselton or someone who had worked for him but we had no luck."
Anna suddenly felt a lot of relief. Her parents had tried to find her. Her parents hadn't forgotten about Elsa. "Did you look for her in other places?"
Idunn hold her daughter's hand and answered, "We did. We tried a couple of orphanages in neighbouring cities. But all gave us the same answer. They said no kids from Romsdal were living in their institutions. We even asked for Elsa specifically. We described the way she looked, and we showed them her papers. But they all insisted they didn't know any girl who fit those characteristics."
"They didn't offer to help you find her?"
"They all agree that she had probably been adopted. It was the only logical explanation." Before Anna could ask if they hadn't looked for her in the registries, Idunn continued, "However, they warned us against trying to look for her. They said we had lost our rights over Elsa the moment we abandoned her. The fact we didn't have any papers to prove she had been admitted into Weselton's clinic, classified us as 'Baby dumpers'."
Anna noticed how much it hurt her mother to say those words and to accept that in fact, that's what they were.
"If we did find her, the adoption agencies had the right to raise charges against us. And if that happened, we risked losing your custody." Idunn caressed her cheek, as if the idea of losing her still affected her. "We were trying to fix what we had done, not make things worse." She sighed with sadness and looked away from Anna's eyes. "So, after some consideration, we gave up, thinking that maybe Elsa was with a good family and we were going to ruin your life in vain."
Anna was speechless. They had stopped looking to make sure they could remain together as a family. It broke her heart to think all the things they had gone through since Elsa had been born. She now believed in her mother's word that they loved Elsa. Everything they had done was because they were thinking in their daughters' best interests. Before she got the chance to say anything to her, Idunn made a comment that Anna hadn't been expecting.
"And thank God that was the case," she said. "We feel bad for what we did and for not being able to get Elsa back in our lives, but at least she found a good family. I'm glad she was with Kai and Gerda all this time."
"How old was Elsa when you tried to find her?" asked Anna. She needed to know just to make sure that Elsa had been with Kai and Gerda at the time. Though it seemed weird her parents had tried to find Elsa when she was a teenager.
Idunn thought for a moment. "You were four years old at the time. So, she must have been eight or nine years old. Your father had just inherited your grandfather's wealth and we felt confident we were going to be able to raise the two of you."
She knew the information was going to shake her mother up, but she needed to tell her. "Mum… Elsa was not adopted by the Bjorgmans until she was fourteen years old."
Idunn looked at Anna with confusion. "That doesn't make sense."
"Did you look for her here? Did you try to find her in Trollheim?" asked Anna. The question was stupid, she knew they must have tried their own city. "She lived in the orphanage for a couple of years, together with Kristoff. I don't remember exactly, but they said they were eight years old when they met.
"Of course we did. It was the first place we visited." Idunn looked at her daughter, trying to find the answers she needed. "I thought the Bjorgmans raised her… Anna, are you sure?"
Anna nodded her head. "And I don't think she was with any other family before them."
"Why would they lie to us," she mumbled to herself. "Why wouldn't they let us see her?"
Anna was puzzled. There must have been a reason for the orphanage to deny them to see Elsa. Then she remembered. She remembered the only story Elsa had told her about her past, and the discussion they had had afterwards. She also remembered how that discussion ended with Elsa disappearing into the bathroom all of a sudden. She now understood she had been trying to hide her powers that day. "Elsa told me some things about her time in Trollheim's orphanage," said Anna. "She mentioned being neglected. She said it wasn't as bad as the orphanage in Romsdal; but they didn't sent her to school, and she barely left her room. Kristoff was the only kid she had contact with…" Saying those things out loud, and thinking about what her mother had said, let Anna come to a conclusion she hoped was wrong. "I think they tried to hide her from you."
Idunn stayed frozen after hearing her daughter. She hadn't felt so terrible for Elsa because she believed people as loving as Kai and Gerda had raised her. But now she found out that wasn't true, together with some gruesome details about Elsa's childhood. The more she thought about Elsa being neglected in both orphanages, the worst she felt about her decisions in life. "Oh, my God," she muttered.
Anna realised her mother had heard her, but she hadn't really paid attention to her idea. "Mum?"
"What have I done?" said the older woman, not registering her daughter's words. She put her hand over her mouth as she asked, "does this mean my baby girl suffered during her childhood?"
Anna's eyes brimmed with tears at her mother's words. To hear her mother call Elsa 'her baby girl', let Anna see her mother hadn't stopped thinking about Elsa in that way for over twenty years. "She doesn't really talk about her childhood… Kristoff says it's because it was too painful... I'm sorry." She wished she could spare her mother the pain, but what was the point of lying to her.
Idunn pressed her hand harder against her mouth as she muffled a dry sob. "No wonder she couldn't look at us… I should have- I wish I-" she tried to say but the pain and guilt was too strong to let her continue. She excused herself and left the room in a hurry.
Anna stayed on the couch thinking about the things her mother had told her. It was so strange to see her mother in that state, full of guilt for the things she had done in her past. Anna realised then that Kristoff was mistaken. Maybe her parents had done things wrong. Maybe they had chosen the easy way out. But her mother did love Elsa. And maybe she had truly believed she had been doing the best for her that day she left her at Wesealton's clinic.
Almost a week later, Anna found herself in the North mountain walking the trail leading to Elsa's cottage. It was the first time she walked there on her own, so she made an effort to remember every turn and landmark she could. The last thing she needed was getting lost there, when no one knew she had taken the last bus out of town to reach the mountain before sundown.
She knew it was a crazy idea to travel all the way there on her own when she wasn't even sure Elsa wanted to see her. She was aware it was a shot in the dark, but she couldn't stand the way things were at home.
She couldn't keep seeing her mother's melancholic expression and she couldn't stand her father's sulk mood. She wanted Kristoff to be happy again, and for both of them to enjoy their evenings together. She also had to admit there was a selfish part of her that wanted to have Elsa back in her life too. But her main objective still was to set things right for Elsa. She wanted to make sure Elsa was actually okay. She hadn't heard about her friend since her fight with Kristoff, and she worried how Elsa was dealing with everything on her own.
She shivered from the cold as she made a right turn near a large aspen tree, she remembered it from the last time she walked that path with Kristoff. She walked a few more metres until she was able to recognise Elsa's cottage in the distance. And just like the first time she had arrived there, she felt captivated by the view. Once again the yellow lights from the cottage were a perfect contrast with the darkening sky. The light snowfall made the place look even more beautiful. Anna thought she understood better Elsa's desire to always return to the mountain. The place was enchanting.
However, she wanted to reach the cottage as soon as possible. It was getting colder and she was exhausted. She had taken the bus after her classes that Friday, and she needed a warm place to rest. At least for a few minutes. As she got closer, she noticed there were two people sitting in the front steps of the cabin. She recognised one as Elsa, but she had no idea who the blond man sitting by her side was. It was strange to see Elsa spending time with someone other than her brother. She noticed Elsa looked happy in the company of that stranger, making Anna regret not calling to let her know she was going to show up.
From where she was, she noticed it was Elsa the one talking while the guy sat there in silence looking at the distance. Elsa was looking at the sky, so she didn't see her approach, but the big guy sitting by her side did. He touched Elsa's arm to call her attention and gestured where Anna was. She couldn't hear what he said, but she saw Elsa open her eyes in surprise. Once again, Anna felt bad for interrupting their evening, but she couldn't really go back. She didn't have a way to return home unless she called someone. It was at that moment, she realised how incredibly stupid her idea had been. If Elsa chose not to listen to her, she had no way of returning home that night. Though, she knew Elsa was too nice to let her freeze outside, even if she didn't want to see her.
When she got close enough, she stopped walking and greeted both of them. "Hi," she said with a small wave of her hand. "Umm… I'm sorry I came unannounced. I hope you don't mind," she said to Elsa.
Elsa, who was still surprised to see her there, shook her head. "It's okay…" She didn't know what to say really. She hadn't seen or heard about Anna since the day she found out the truth.
Before they could say anything else, the blond-bearded man sitting beside Elsa stood up and walked the short distance separating Anna from the stairs. When he stood in front of her, he extended his right hand and said, "I'm Marshall."
Anna raised her eyebrows in surprise. 'Marshall as in Marshmallow?' she thought. The man was tall. Huge in Anna's opinion. He was clearly a head taller than Kristoff. His broad shoulders and thick arms let her see he was strong, and probably the sporty type of person. Anna couldn't help but feel intimidated by the guy. He was not only big, but he seemed too serious for Anna to feel comfortable by his presence.
Not sure what to do, she smiled and extended her own hand to shaked his. "Anna," she said in a low voice. The fact he hadn't smiled back made her feel unsure about him.
He then turned around and walked towards Elsa. He helped her stand up and handed her the crutches that had been laying on the snow between them. "Are you gonna be okay?" he asked.
Elsa smiled and nodded.
He then gave Elsa a tender hug, something that caught Anna by surprise. Elsa didn't particularly like human contact but she seemed comfortable in the big guy's arms. Maybe he wasn't bad. Just intimidating.
"Call me if you need anything," he said before he let her go. He waited for Elsa to nod, before picking up his bag and leave.
Anna couldn't help but turn around and watch him disappear into the same trail she had used to reach Elsa's cottage. The man seemed to know his way around the forest, since it only took him a few seconds to disappear from sight.
Both girls stayed quiet for a few seconds. Anna tried to forget about Marshall and explain to Elsa what she was doing there, but curiosity got the best of her. "Wasthat Marshmallow?" She still couldn't believe the giant guy was the same who called Elsa from time to time.
Elsa couldn't help but chuckle at Anna's stunned expression. "Yes."
"That huge guy. That is Marshmallow?"
"He is… why?" Elsa could imagine why she was asking, Marshall was taller than average, and his nickname didn't really suit him, unless you got to know him.
"I thought he was- You know I expected him to be-" she stuttered.
"Yeah?"
"I don't know... Tinier. Smaller. Softer."
Elsa had to laugh at that. "He is kinda soft," she murmured. She then cleared her throat and said, "That's him. He's a nice guy."
Anna noticed the way Elsa smiled when she answered, and for a moment, she felt like making fun of her. She had always enjoyed getting the chance to mock Elsa about her 'mountain lover' as she liked to call Marshall; and now that she had met the guy, the situation was even funnier. She had never imagined Marshmallow was such a tough guy. However, she thought better of it. She didn't know how Elsa was going to react. Sure, nothing bad had happened between the two of them, exactly. They were still friends as far as Anna knew. But she felt it was not the right time. She made a mental note to ask Elsa about him in the future, though. A huge mountaineer who looked like he could smash anyone's face, but acted super soft around Elsa, was an opportunity she couldn't let slip through her fingers.
Anna came out of her train of thought when she saw Elsa struggling to climb the stairs. The steps were covered in fresh snow, and she was doing her best to keep the balance with her crutches. Anna hurried and hold her arm to keep her steady, and helped her reach her front door.
Elsa turned to look at her and muttered a 'thank you' before she entered the house. She left the door open for Anna to follow. But to her surprise, she remained outside. "You can come in, Anna" she said, hoping things wouldn't be so awkward between them.
Anna entered, closing the door behind her. She stayed there, standing, unsure of what to say or do. Yet once again Anna regretted not thinking before acting. What was she hoping to achieve going there? Was Elsa even okay with her visiting? She was, after all, the daughter who had had it easy. The one who was showered with love and affection while Elsa struggled in different orphanages. What was Elsa's opinion of her now?... Before Anna could regret her decision further, she heard Elsa clear her throat, calling her attention. "I'm sorry. What?" asked Anna.
"I asked if you wanted something warm to drink. It's really cold outside," offered Elsa.
Anna noticed then Elsa must have noticed she had her arms wrapped around herself. It was true it was cold outside, and she was freezing. The bus heater didn't work, so the travel to the North mountain had been intolerable, and then walking to Elsa's cottage hadn't been at all comfortable. She wondered for a second if Marshall had ice powers like Elsa, since he was able to sit outside with her in that weather. "That would be nice," she said.
"Do you mind setting up the fire while I heat some water and find something warm for you to wear?"
"Elsa, it's not necessary for you to-"
"It gets colder and colder here at this time of the year, Anna. I don't want you to get sick." Elsa interrupted not giving Anna the chance to argue.
Anna did as told. She took her wet boots off and left them by the door. She then walked to the fireplace, and before Elsa could return, she got the fire going. She was in front of the fireplace on the floor, trying to heat herself up, when she felt the weight of a winter jacket on her shoulders. She turned around and saw Elsa walking back into her kitchen.
She stayed by the fire for a few minutes before thinking it was best to join Elsa in case she needed help with the mugs. She entered the kitchen and saw her standing by the counter, looking out the window. The evening was dark and the snowfall was increasing. She was sure it would transform into a snowstorm soon. She silently thanked Elsa for letting her stay, even if she hadn't really said anything to her yet. She thought it was time she thanked her properly and explained what she was doing there.
"Thanks for letting me stay, Elsa."
Still paying attention to the tea she was preparing, she answered, "You travelled all the way here in this weather. I would be a heartless bastard if I didn't."
Anna knew Elsa had only tried to make a point, but the word 'bastard' carried a meaning Anna didn't particularly liked given their situation. She thought it was best to just ignore her remark, since probably Elsa hadn't paid attention to the word. "I'm sorry I didn't call to let you know I was coming, but I wanted to see you. Make sure you were okay. And I felt it was best to just come here," she explained. "Now I think that maybe it wasn't a good idea. I'm sorry I interrupted your evening with Marshall."
Elsa chuckled, she knew Anna was going to think Marshall and she had planned to spend the evening together. "Don't worry about it. Marshmallow just stopped by on his way back home. It looks like a storm is coming and he wanted to make sure I was going to be alright on my own."
"Oh…" Anna looked out the window, over Elsa's shoulder once again. "You guys knew a storm was coming?" She hadn't imagined one was coming until a minute ago when she heard the wind picking up.
"Yes. Years living here makes you aware of the sudden changes… Having ice powers makes you somehow more aware. But he doesn't necessarily know that," Elsa commented.
Anna opened her eyes in surprised. She knew about Elsa's powers. Kristoff and her parents had mentioned them a lot over the last two weeks. She had seen Elsa losing control in front of her too. But for some reason, Elsa talking about them so casually made the whole thing more real. "Right. Powers… I keep forgetting about those."
Elsa turned around with a sheepish smile on her face and asked, "do they make you uncomfortable?"
"What? No. No, not at all," she answered in a hurry, shaking her hands in front of her. The last thing she needed was for Elsa to feel uncomfortable for who she was. "It's just- You hid them so well for so long. It's strange to picture you with them now."
Elsa smiled and looked down at her hands. "I've been hiding them for years. I don't remember the last time I used them in front of someone else…" She thought for a few seconds before saying, "not counting the accident at your place."
"Not even in front of Kristoff?"
"I don't feel comfortable using them. I'm afraid I could hurt him." She then turned around once again and poured the hot water into two mugs and handed one to Anna.
She accepted the mug and let out a content sigh when the hot surface touched her hands. She was surprised to see Elsa had prepared her favourite tea without even asking.
"Would you mind carrying mine to the living room?"
"Sure," she said. "Just hand it to me."
Anna walked directly to the spot where she was in front of the fireplace. She put Elsa's mug on the coffee table and sat down on the wooden floor near the fire.
Elsa sat down on the couch and threw a cushion to her. "Your butt will freeze." She picked her own mug and extended her broken leg over the wooden table.
Both girls stayed silence for a while, enjoying the sound of the fireplace and the wind outside. They both felt they had to address the elephant in the room, but they knew they were risking ruining the peaceful atmosphere if they did. After they couldn't stand the silence anymore, they both said, "So-" and "I wanted to-" at the same time and stopped to listen to the other. Anna chuckled nervously and Elsa prompt her to say what she was about to say.
"I wanted to apologise," said Anna when she noticed Elsa was not going to speak until she did. "I was so focused on telling you the truth about your birth parents, I didn't stop to think how much it could affect you." She kept her head down as she apologised. She didn't want to see Elsa's reaction. "That's why I'm here. I felt terrible when Kristoff told me you had left town."
Elsa smiled sadly. She understood Anna's regret but she couldn't help but feel a mixture of sadness and anger. She wasn't mad at Anna, the poor girl had come all the way to the North mountain just to apologise, and for something she shouldn't even be apologising in the first place in Elsa's opinion. In Elsa's eyes, Anna was the only one willing to tell her the truth. But, sadly, Anna was also the reminder of the childhood she could have had but didn't. The reminder she hadn't been good enough for her birth parents.
She took some time to answer as she struggled to keep her emotions in. She didn't want to show Anna how much the truth had affected her. When she felt good enough to talk, she said, "you don't need to apologise. You did the right thing."
Elsa's voice hadn't betrayed her emotions; but her lost look, watching the fire behind Anna, did. Elsa had, in mere seconds, lost her composed expression. Anna could see she was trying her best to hide the way she felt. She was keeping her sadness and anger inside, and in Anna's opinion that wasn't healthy at all. The worst thing was, she had probably been doing it since the day she found out the truth.
Anna took a deep breath after making up her mind about what was the right thing to do, and dared ask, "how do you feel?"
Elsa looked at her for a fraction of a second, but then turned her face in the opposite direction. It was enough to let Anna see tears had gathered in her eyes though.
Even if she knew she was risking her friendship with Elsa by meddling in her life; Anna couldn't let Elsa suffer in silence. She couldn't let her bottle things up inside till the point it was too much to endure. "Elsa?" she insisted. "I know the truth mustn't be easy for you, please let me know how you feel." Her voice had a pleading tone.
"How do you think I feel?" asked Elsa. Her voice trembling as she let a few tears escape. She tried to dry them before Anna noticed, but she knew it was useless. She had felt awful since she found out the truth and it was a matter of time before everything came crashing down on her. Having Anna in front of her was not helping, and she knew she was going break down any minute.
Anna kept looking at Elsa as she thought of an answer. 'What would I feel in Elsa's situation?' she thought. She knew she would be mad with her birth parents. She would feel betrayed, she guessed. Though she wasn't sure if that was the case. She knew Elsa's childhood had been anything but good, but how bad it had been, she had no idea. "Hurt?" she tried. "Disappointed?... I really don't know, Elsa. All I know is that whatever is going on through your head mustn't be good. Try to open up. Let me help you, please."
Elsa kept battling with her emotions and the storm inside of her at the same time. When she felt like she couldn't take it anymore, she rested her head on the back the couch and let the tears fall; she only hoped her powers weren't going to betray her and do something stupid.
"I wish I could do something to make you feel better." She saw how inconsolable she looked. "I'm sorry our parents did this to you." Anna said in a low voice.
"They are not my parents…" muttered Elsa, still crying. "They thought they were better off without me. I have no reason to consider them my parents."
Anna knew what Elsa meant, she did. Elsa didn't know her parents like she did, but it still hurt to hear her say that. She did the most logical thing and kept quiet though; there was no point in trying to change her mind at that point. It was even cruel to try to do it. She thought it was better to stay silent and wait for Elsa to open up. To her relief, she did.
"The only thing I'd wanted to know about my past was that my parents had had a good reason to leave me behind. That all the shit I went through was because they didn't have another option…" She dried her tears and continued, "but they did. They just chose it was easier to continue without the abnormal, dangerous baby."
"That's how you see yourself?" asked Anna surprised by her words. "Abnormal and dangerous?"
"For years I was treated like a dangerous animal who deserved no rights…" She looked at one of her hands before saying, "you start to believe it's true after some time, you know?"
"What?" Anna wondered who could be so heartless to make a girl like Elsa feel like that. 'Elsa, what have you gone through?' Anna wondered, not knowing if she had the right to ask the question out loud.
Elsa didn't pay attention to Anna and continued, "and when you find out that even your parents thought so, it becomes almost impossible not to see yourself in that way…"
"Mum and dad didn't see you like a dangerous animal, Elsa. Please, don't think that!" Anna's eyes brimmed with tears for her sister.
"Didn't they?" she scoffed. "Then what made them keep you and not me? They raised you, they loved you... Didn't I deserve that too?" Elsa felt bad for bringing that up to Anna, but it was the truth.
"Yes, you did. Of course you did!" Anna felt lost for words. She didn't know what to say to make Elsa see she wasn't what she believed.
"Then why was I denied that for years? Why did every single person treat me the way they did?" her breath was laboured, and she recognised the signs of an anxiety attack.
"Elsa, what happened to you?" asked Anna, not noticing Elsa's state. She didn't care if it was not the right time for that question. The way Elsa kept mentioning the past didn't set well with her.
Instead of answering, Elsa picked up her crutches and walked towards the door. She needed to leave if she wanted Anna to be safe.
Anna stood up from her place on the floor, and ran to stop her. "Elsa-"
"I need to go outside," she interrupted.
"No. Elsa, wait." Anna put her hand over the door to prevent Elsa open it.
Elsa controlled her laboured breaths to be able to explain things to Anna. "You don't understand. I really need to go outside right now."
"Elsa there's a raging storm outside."
"And if I don't leave right now, there's going to be one inside the house." Elsa raised her eyes to meet Anna's. "Please, move aside."
Anna heard her pleading tone and noticed how cold the room had become. She took a step away from the door and watched Elsa leave in a hurry, closing the door behind her. There was nothing Anna wanted more than to go outside and show Elsa she deserved love and respect as much as any other person. To show her she was there for her. But she guessed it was best to let her calm down on her own. She had mentioned being afraid of hurting people with her powers, and she knew her presence was only going to increase her anxiety.
She sat by the door for over an hour hearing the howling wind outside. She waited for the storm - natural or not, she was not sure - to calm down before going out. The moment she couldn't hear the wind outside, Anna wrapped the jacket Elsa had given her around herself and left the cottage. She was surprised to see Elsa sitting down on the front steps like she had earlier that evening. Anna walked slowly towards her and sat down by her side. She didn't say anything, she just stayed by her side.
Elsa tried her best to ignore Anna. She was more calmed, but she felt ashamed for the way she had reacted inside the house. It was not Anna's fault her life was miserable. It was not Anna's fault her parents had loved her. Anna didn't deserve to deal with her shit just because she was her biological sister. Elsa waited for Anna to just get tired - or cold - and go back inside; but to her surprise, Anna didn't. She just sat there, by her side, for what seemed like hours.
"I can't get my brain to stop telling me how different I am. How undeserving of love I am. And I just want it to stop," confessed Elsa, when she understood Anna wasn't going to leave her side.
Without warning, Anna put her arm around Elsa's, and rested her head on her right shoulder.
Elsa stiffened, but didn't pull away from her.
"You are not different," she said when she felt Elsa relax. "You are special. And you do deserve love."
Elsa looked at Anna and then at her arm wrapped around her own, but didn't say anything.
Taking Elsa's silence as a good sign, Anna continued, "I don't know what you went through, so I won't ask you to give our parents a chance… But I'll make everything in my power to help you see yourself the way Kristoff, your parents and I see you."
Elsa felt tears gather in her eyes once again; but this time there was a warm feeling in her chest, instead of the storm she had felt for the past two weeks. She didn't know what to answer back. So, she rested her head against Anna's, hoping her sister could understand what she meant by it. Thank you, Anna.
I wanted to thank you all for your comments and encouragement. Your reviews inspired me to upload this chapter so soon, thank you!
As always, let me know what you think. Things still look grim but at least the girls are together now.
Wish you guys the best!
