A/N: Part Two of The Truth. Sarah may not have accepted how strongly she felt about Chuck at this point, but that scene at the end...you can see how much she is hurt when she looks away from him. No doubt in my mind Chuck felt the same way here...but he was certain, based on his misconception, that she had told him the truth and that it was hopeless. She never elaborated further...her feelings were always a mystery. His choice to break up with her was because he was trying to make the best of things. He had no idea how badly he hurt her by doing what he did. I also believe she thought he was going to kiss her...something she does back to him in the next episode, while her life is flashing before her eyes in the same way. My thoughts anyway.
Chuck was in the process of scrambling out of the bed when Ellie did exactly what he had just said she wouldn't do—barge into his room without knocking. If we hadn't been pretending to sleep together, that could have been an epically bad moment. At the time, all it did was prove my point about what I chose to wear.
Devon followed her in as she climbed onto the bed with us. Chuck was uncomfortable already and after Ellie's appearance, he was mortified. Ellie was not herself, though. Chuck asked Devon if she was drunk. I was suspecting the same thing. When Devon said no, I was worried. She was rambling…and then she stopped making sense. When I asked her if she was ok, she told me words taste like peaches. That bit of nonsense finally broke through and alerted Chuck. He was worried, too. We didn't have time to ponder, however, as the doorbell rang.
It was Casey in his pajamas, asking Devon if he could borrow some milk. Ellie was on the sofa, but almost oblivious to her surroundings, which was more worrisome, but good in another way because Casey did little to hide his surveillance. As soon as Devon left, Casey said he was getting cross interference on his bug. That concerned me…because it meant someone else had bugged Chuck's apartment. A truly frightening thought. It didn't occur in the moment, but it had implications for later…that Casey had heard almost all of my discussion with Chuck…about Lou.
Right after that, Ellie passed out. Casey got a signal and I found the bug…plastered behind her ear, the same thing I had found on the dead man. Casey just blurted out his logical deduction—Ellie had been poisoned, most likely with the same pentothal derivative. It was just facts, like Casey always focused on. Black and white. Right and wrong. No room for any shades of gray. And definitely not worth considering how his words would affect Chuck.
Whatever else Chuck was feeling during the entire bizarre incident, everything washed away but fear when he realized what was going on. Up to this point in time, it was the most frightened I had ever seen him. I believe the only time I saw him more frightened was after we were married and Ellie and Devon were taken while Shaw's patsies were hunting us. He feared losing Ellie more than he feared losing his own life. I knew that rationally, but I saw it here for the first time.
Chuck could have completely broken down. I know he wanted to. I felt it, like a vibration in the air. He dropped to his knees in front of the sofa and scooped his hands under her head. I watched him flinch when he touched her skin…she was obviously feverish. He was close to hyperventilating, but somehow managed to rein it in as Devon approached with the milk carton. "Devon, call 911," Chuck said, almost calm, as strange as I thought that was.
Casey volunteered to call, putting on the act of the concerned neighbor. Devon pushed Chuck aside, but gently. Devon was the doctor after all. I could hear Chuck grinding his teeth as Devon performed the rudimentary exam, yelling to her, asking if she could hear him. Chuck knew what was wrong, but he couldn't tell Devon. It was killing him, holding it in. He kept clenching and unclenching his hands into fists.
I did the only thing I could to help. I stretched the truth, parsing, like a good spy. "I wonder if she picked up a virus or whatever from that person the other night," I said.
Devon's eyes were wild with panic when he turned to look at me. "Oh…no…I didn't even think of that. They have no idea what happened to him," he said with concern.
Casey returned, telling everyone the ambulance was on the way. Chuck and Devon stayed kneeling in front of her. I was still barely dressed, suddenly self-conscious of that, which I never usually am. I ran to get my coat, wishing I had taken more practical things to wear with me. I put a hand on Chuck's shoulder and squeezed, trying to support him the only way I could.
I stayed like that until the paramedics arrived. I stayed with him until they took her out of the apartment on the stretcher. I ended up leaving when Casey did, telling Chuck I would check back in with him as soon as I could. I hated leaving him, but I was not practically dressed for anything more.
I called him from my hotel and he explained that Ellie had been admitted. She was febrile and unresponsive so they had her under strict care. Chuck said they were running a bunch of tests, all of which Devon had conferred with her doctors about. He asked me if he could tell the doctor it was poison. I had to tell him no, as much as it hurt me to say. The CIA and the NSA were working behind the scenes to find the antidote, especially because Ellie was a civilian.
He and Devon stayed all night at the hospital with no sleep. I tried, thinking even a few hours would do me some good, but I couldn't. I was worried about Ellie, too. The CIA knew what the poison was, but there was no antidote, not one readily available anyway. It didn't bode well for Ellie, especially since we didn't know how long ago she'd been dosed, or with how much. Casey called in the early morning, apologizing for waking me. I had to tell him I hadn't slept. He had spent the night combing the security camera footage and found out the precise time she had been poisoned…earlier in the day, when a person dressed as a police officer had been inside their apartment.
First thing in the morning, I met Casey at the hospital. Devon was in Ellie's room at her bedside. She was still unconscious. I saw Chuck standing in the hallway outside her room. Casey told him what he had learned as we approached. It barely registered. He was beside himself with worry…and guilt too, although he never said it specifically. I knew he attributed this attack to his spy life, but at least this time, he was wrong.
Chuck and Ellie, effectively abandoned by their parents at a young age, however good-intentioned the abandonment had been at the time, spent a lot of time blaming themselves for things that were not their fault. They had grown up relying on each other, maybe to the point of co-dependency if one was being fair, but the trauma from their youth had been real and maybe never completely healed. I had already seen this once when Chuck blamed himself for Mei Ling being unable to rescue her brother. That was the first in a long string of things, only some of which were actually attributable to him as legitimate mistakes. This instance, as hard as it was for him to accept, would have happened whether Chuck was the Intersect or not.
This time, his spy life had actually saved his sister. I believe she would have died the same way Mason Whitney did before anyone at Westside Medical knew what was wrong with her. He couldn't have heard that here, couldn't have processed it, but it was true. I told him later, once the crisis had passed.
Casey, of all people, tried to be positive with Chuck, telling him it was good news, because the poisoner was still at large and hadn't found what he was looking for…the nuclear codes. He reeled on Casey, forceful and angry, shouting about his sister's impending death unless someone did something. My chest hurt when I saw his face when he turned around. His brow was furrowed deeply and he had dark circles under his eyes from lack of sleep. I tried as well, using my best calming voice, but his anger flared at me too, worse than it had on the beach with Carina, which was as angry as I'd seen him so far.
Casey tried to appeal to the greater good, which was always foremost in his thoughts as he did his job. Chuck himself thought about that stuff too, but never when his family or friends were involved. These types of situations arose multiple times over the course of our time working for the CIA. It's actually a line from a movie that Chuck can quote word for word from beginning to end…The Wrath of Khan, which is an old Star Trek movie that came out when Chuck was just a baby. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few…or the one. I can almost hear Chuck cheering right now if he knew I was quoting lines from his nerd-om to make a point. (What can I say? He rubbed off on me.) I have also seen that movie almost enough to quote it the same way. In it, Mr. Spock sacrifices his life to save the entire ship. There are another two movies that follow, that show the reverse of this is sometimes true. Chuck would have let the entire world burn for someone he loved. He could never make that choice though, because he was a good person. His solution, always, was to sacrifice himself instead.
He did that here. He grabbed the bug in the soundproof box out of my hand and opened it. He spoke directly into it, saying clearly that we had the codes and they were on Ellie. He acted first, because he thought his only option–watching his sister die–was unacceptable. He made this face…defiant, with his eyes narrowed…at Casey. Casey grudgingly respected Chuck's plan. Get the poisoner to come to us, since we had no idea where he was and time was running out. Casey did threaten Chuck afterward, mostly because he sprung that on us without letting us know what he was doing, not a good idea when working with partners in the field.
Devon left Ellie's room to get some air, he said, also to give Chuck a chance to sit with her, since they only allowed one visitor at a time. Devon nodded at me, a way to thank me for being here with Chuck. He looked as bad as Chuck had, his eyes red-rimmed and blood shot, the fatigue dragging on his features. Casey disappeared, his appearance here a little more difficult to explain, even if he had been there when Ellie collapsed. Casey and I got the scene set up while Chuck sat with his sister.
Casey actually left to get me a brown wig. I never asked him where he found that, but he was only gone for about 15 minutes. We set up in an empty room, using me as bait, wearing the wig to disguise myself as Ellie.
I stayed lying on my side with my eyes closed and Casey waited in the corridor outside the room. I heard footsteps on the floor. I stayed perfectly still, but I opened my eyes. My muscles were tense, poised, like a tightened spring ready to release. I heard him touch something on the bedside tray and I felt the blanket slide back away from my waist. He reached for my shoulder…and I sprung.
I jumped up, grabbing his wrist and twisting his hand behind his back. That was enough for Casey, who was there immediately, dressed in scrubs and toting a fake name badge that he had somehow acquired while I was pretending to sleep. He had the poisoner at gunpoint. The man was a gymnast, which we didn't find out until later, and he maneuvered his way out of my grip. He thrust backward with his elbow, shoving me down and then pinwheeling, kicking Casey's arm with the gun away. I recovered quickly, getting my gun, and holding him in my sights the moment his feet were on the ground again.
He waved a vial of antidote in front of us, knowing we needed it to save Ellie. He asked for the codes in exchange. We didn't actually have them even if we wanted to trade, which was never an option, seeing we were all as good as dead regardless of our cooperation. He produced another vial, telling us it was the same poison. We were at a stalemate.
Apparently, Chuck had found the codes that Mason Whitney had actually hidden in Ellie's sweater, which had been in her locker since she had arrived at the hospital in the ambulance two days before. He had a general idea of our plan, but not specifics, since we tried to leave him out of it. His observation skills at this point were still not up to par with the level of spy work he had ended up participating in…more inexperience of his that complicated the situation. He came charging into the room, not cognizant of the fact that I was holding someone at gunpoint, dangling the codes and shouting that he had the codes.
If Chuck had never come looking for us, Casey and I would have had to let the poisoner go. With the antidote. If Chuck had been a little more experienced and noticed the situation before he entered the room, he might have been able to cause a distraction and Casey or me could have gotten the upper hand. Chuck plowing through the door and accidentally pushing a medicine cart into the poisoner, fumbling the situation, only succeeded in the poison vial breaking on the floor, which in turn, fatally dosed all four of us with the pentothal derivative.
Being dosed like that was mesmerizing, a light burning in the nostrils and a feeling of lightheadedness, almost seeming to freeze time in our disorientation. Our assailant grabbed the codes from Chuck and took off running. Casey recovered first and ran after him. I was close behind and Chuck was running behind me.
We caused quite a ruckus in the hospital, fortunately away from Ellie's room. Casey had his gun out, but it was too close quarters and we were surrounded by too many innocent bystanders. Casey ended up taking him down, momentarily, by launching a medical crutch like a javelin straight into him, taking him down off his feet. The vial of antidote he was carrying flew up into the air as he crashed to the ground. I took a flying leap, unconcerned with injuring myself so long as the vial didn't break. I caught it and held onto it, even as I crashed full force into the ground on my stomach, banging my knees and elbows as I did so.
The poisoner rose to his feet and took off running out of the hospital. Casey was poised to give chase outside, but I stopped him. Chuck had just been poisoned along with us. Our primary objective in all things was to protect him first. He was the most valuable intelligence asset in the world. He argued right away that we needed to give what we had to Ellie.
I had started to feel strange…a warm and prickly feeling under my skin, like I was developing a fever. I told him he had to take it, no questions. I felt this surge of righteousness when I said it. I wasn't expecting that reaction from myself. Chuck argued again, putting his sister first, as he always had since the very first day. Casey told him he was a good person after he said that.
Truth serum, I suddenly reminded myself. It wasn't just poison, it acted like a truth serum. Casey would never have said something like that to Chuck, although I felt a warm rush inside when I realized that was what Casey thought.
The arguments started to get crazy sounding as we realized the poison was at work. All three of us were saying things out loud that sounded bizarre. Bizarrely truthful, anyway. Chuck agreed to take it, but told us he was lying and that he was giving it to his sister. He took off running back to Ellie's room.
By the time we caught up to him, moving around Devon, who was standing alone in the hallway, he was already at Ellie's bedside, pouring the antidote into her mouth. He cradled her head gently, holding it against her lips, tipping it very gently so he didn't gag her. I believe I always knew Chuck had an enormous capacity for gentleness, but that was the first time I saw it up close…the way he was with her. I pulled the wig off, defeated and upset that now Chuck was lethally dosed, we all were, and there wasn't even any antidote left to potentially reverse engineer. For all intents and purposes, I watched Chuck give his own life away for his sister.
Altruism…I believe that is the technical term for that, something I learned about briefly at the Farm in one of a few psychology classes we were required to take. Sacrificing of oneself for the good of the whole. The opposite of natural selection…contrary to the survival of its own perpetuation. While not unique to human beings, it was most profoundly known in humans. They taught us about it as a generic idea, for we were to be working for the greater good, and some of us would end up paying the ultimate price for that. That seemed to imply that everything we would ever be assigned to do was for the greater good, and I knew that was a lie. It cheapened whatever altruistic motivations that could be stirred.
All I could seem to remember of my life was the opposite…the lives I had taken, some by orders, others to preserve my own.
Did altruism exist in situations without love? The discussion never got that deep, not at the Farm. We never spoke of love. It was forbidden, something forever out of our reach. I believe that all acts of altruism are founded in love, but there are different kinds of love. I never truly understood what love was until I felt it for Chuck. But because of that, I know I would have traded my life for his in a heartbeat. I would fight anyone or anything to the death to protect my husband and my children.
Chuck saved my life multiple times, the most direct instance by jumping in front of a bullet meant for me…while I was holding a gun to his head, no less. That's a story for later, but at least know this…that kind of selflessness is a part of who he is. It caused problems at times, because he lived his life that way and the CIA did everything in the exact opposite way. He eventually found a balance, but this early on, it made everything harder.
An hour later, Ellie was awake and talking. Devon had been at her bedside when she woke up, her fever gone. He came running to get Chuck to tell him, so relieved he didn't really notice what rough shape Chuck was in by that point. We stayed out of Devon's way, our presence and current states not explainable. We were headed downhill quickly too. I wondered how long we had before the poison took over.
We were sitting on the floor in the hallway outside Ellie's room. I was sweaty and nauseous. I had been trained to withstand truth serum at the Farm, but it required a great deal of energy, and most doses of truth serum weren't lethal, so this was a different situation than what I had trained for. I was afraid I was going to say something that I shouldn't. I just kept telling myself to keep quiet. I did tell Chuck I was sorry…I was, because a part of me still blamed myself for him ending up with the Intersect…for me not seeing Bryce's betrayal before it was too late.
Chuck was rambling when something caught his attention. He stood and ran to a silver object that was lying on the floor. The poisoner had dropped it when Casey knocked him down with the crutch. Chuck flashed on a fingerprint left on the screen of the tracking device he had just retrieved. The poisoner was Reardon Paine. The ingenious workings of the Intersect on display again. There was so much intelligence in Chuck's head it was unbelievable. Sometimes it was a name, a face, words, voices…or even a fingerprint.
We took off and followed the tracker. Chuck drove us in his Nerd Herder. If the situation hadn't been so dire, it would have been funny. All three of us doped up on truth serum led to some pretty strange conversations. I told Chuck I was better at picking locks than Casey. Chuck told me he thought I was pretty. I was already feverish, but I flushed even more. I knew that he thought that…but that was the first time he ever said it. I had heard it many, many times…that compliment that belonged to the CIA and not me. Chuck acknowledging my beauty was different, more genuine. Nothing about how he meant it was merely superficial. Beauty to him was more than skin deep, and yet he still thought that about me.
We were at Paine's door, the location the tracker had taken us to. I knocked, but Chuck announced who we were and we had to shoot our way inside. We had Paine at gunpoint. I called Casey my partner, for the first time, and he was surprised, but it was true. It had to be, as I had said it, under the influence. He was. Three months ago he had almost killed me…now I was his partner. It felt very nice.
Paine made a move to give us all a vial of antidote. Chuck was the one who stopped us, saying we should watch Paine sample it first to make sure it was safe. He was right, of course. We were all slowly losing the ability to think straight, but that was just Chuck being smart. Of course, he referenced comic books, but it was sound just the same. Casey moved to hand his vial to Paine…and Paine twisted Casey's arm and somersaulted away across the gleaming hardwood floor in his loft. When he was done with his acrobatics, I shot him in the kneecap. Casey told me he liked my style. I might have shocked Chuck as I stood there in a haze of gun smoke, smirking, but he took it in stride.
Casey tied him to a chair, bandaged his wounded knee, and then dosed him with the truth serum. After that, he was very cooperative. He told us where the codes and the antidote vials were. I went to go get the vials for us. I handed one to Chuck. Right before I was going to drink mine, he told me to wait. I asked him what was the matter.
"This will probably be the last chance that I have to know the truth," he said very slowly. His eyes were clear and seemed to look straight through me. I was terrified about what he could possibly want to ask me. He continued. "I know you're…you're just doing your job here. But sometimes it feels so real, you know? So, tell me. You and me. Us. Our thing under the undercover thing. Is this ever going anywhere?"
I thought my heart had stopped beating for a second. I already felt horrible. That added stress almost put me over the edge. His features had softened to match his voice, his earnest eyes studying my face, waiting for me to answer. My thoughts raced. Everything I had been feeling, then telling myself I didn't feel, dreaming about him, pretending that our relationship was real…feeling that he was mine. He had somehow seen through my façade. My brilliant spy work completely neutralized. You know, right before that incident I referenced before, when Chuck took a bullet for me, he told me I wasn't as good a liar as I thought I was. Turns out, I was just never able to lie to him. He knew me too well. He could read me like secret code.
My heart surged…and then crashed. I had to fight this! One false move and I was reassigned. Casey may now be my legitimate partner, but he wouldn't tolerate me having those kinds of feelings for Chuck. And if I didn't do something right here to suppress that, I might never be able to stop it. The best way we were taught to not succumb to drugs like that was to force the words to the front of our minds, and repeat them, over and over, until we believed the thought.
Because of the way Chuck phrased the question, I was able to lie to him, technically, under the spell of truth serum. He asked if things were ever going anywhere. As much as it broke my heart to bolster those thoughts, saying "no" to that question was easy. We were asset and handler. Nothing real between us could ever exist, no matter how badly either of us wanted it to. Had he asked me something else…Do you have feelings for me? Do you love me? I'm not sure how I would have responded…if I could have said no to either one of those questions. Love was this amorphous cloud that I didn't yet understand…but feelings? All I had were feelings for him…everything I felt somehow began and ended with him. I told him I was sorry…and I was. For everything that had brought us here, like this. Then I shook my head to reinforce the "no" as I forced it out.
Hearing him say what he said, believing me when I said "no," because he had no idea that it was possible for me to resist it, caused the most intense emotional pain I had ever felt in my life up to that point. So intense it felt physical…like a knife blade slicing through the inside of me. I had to walk away from him, afraid if I stayed longer, he would see how devastated I was.
The usual after that. Casey called the cleaners, we stayed to be debriefed. It was dark before we could leave, and we had to report back to the Home Theater Room in the Buy More for a face to face with Beckman. She praised us for a job well done. In the middle of all of that, Harry Tang, Chuck's Buy More nemesis and the assistant manager, burst into the room. Casey and I drew our weapons.
This was bad, but not unexpected. Using public areas to conduct government business, due to the current situation, was never ideal. We had the satellite link in Casey's apartment and in the Wienerlicious, but the Buy More was closed, so it had been considered the safest, considering Ellie was due home from the hospital and Chuck didn't want to run into them with us. Casey and I exchanged glances…he needed to be handled, or he would blow Chuck's cover sky high.
I don't know what actually happened with Harry Tang…what Casey told him…any of it. All I know is he left that night and no one heard from him again. He supposedly took a job at a pineapple factory in Hawaii. Emmett Milbarge, another future nemesis of Chuck's in Buy More life, was supposed to have moved to Anchorage, Alaska to manage a Large Mart…but was actually shot dead on the premises by the same man who kidnapped Chuck and I after Chuck returned from Prague. It's sort of don't-ask, don't-tell with Casey and stuff like that. We found out about Emmett by accident. I'd hope that what we knew about Tang was true. Emmett was an innocent bystander. Tang was just annoying. His stumbling in on us wasn't worthy of execution, at least not as far as I was concerned.
Things were awkward between Chuck and I after Casey left. We left through the back entrance and said goodnight uneventfully.
The next day both Chuck and Casey were off from the Buy More, but I was still working a hot dog shift. That was why I was surprised when Chuck showed up. He looked uneasy, even nervous. He was wringing his hands. I didn't get to ask him what was wrong, he just blurted it out.
"Sarah, you know when you think you're gonna die and your whole life is supposed to flash in front of you? That didn't exactly happen for me yesterday. In fact, mostly it was just a list that I saw. A list of stuff that I haven't done and things that I haven't had a chance to say. So today…today, I want to start crossing things off my list. And this is the first thing that I promised myself that I'd do."
He took a step closer to me. I had been holding my breath the entire time he was talking. I took a breath when he stepped closer, aware of his cologne again as I felt lightheaded, anticipating what it was that he was going to do. He put his hands on my upper arms, against my skin and not my blouse. He was so intense at that moment, I was almost certain he was going to kiss me. At that moment, that was the only thing I wanted…him to kiss me. Everything else could go to hell…if only he could just…kiss…me…
"We need to break up," he said, squeezing my arms ever so slightly.
I couldn't believe it. I think I laughed. I know I at least stuttered out something. He clarified about it being an end to our fake relationship. A fake breakup. I felt like he'd punched me in the stomach.
I know he kept talking…I just stopped listening. All I could hear was my heartbeat and the blood rushing behind my ear drums. Crossing things off his list…so he could be with Lou. I knew that. It was like an arrow running straight through me. There was more to say, more things a handler would tell her asset in a situation like that. A good handler…a handler who wasn't emotionally attached to her asset. I just couldn't say them. I was afraid I would lose control of my emotions. I just let him go…while my heart imploded.
Casey called, interrupting my spiraling misery to ask about what had happened to me under the influence. He knew something more was going on than what he saw. He hated talking about his emotions, or anyone else's, but he could still see them when they were there. Oh, God, did I screw everything up, I thought as I realized I told him I might have if I hadn't resisted. It was like I was still under the influence. Why would I tell him that? Because I was upset…lost. Because I had lost Chuck, even though he was never really mine in the first place.
I went outside, because I felt like the walls were closing in around me and I couldn't breathe. Standing on the sidewalk outside the Wienerlicious, I could see Chuck through the window in Lou's deli. He was sitting at a table with her and they were having coffee and talking.
He was smiling, that radiant smile that was warmer than the sunshine…that smile I hadn't seen in days and days…now directed at her. A smile I would probably never see directed at me ever again.
What was it the Tin Man said at the end of The Wizard of Oz? I know I have a heart, because I can feel it breaking. Yeah. Just like that.
