What I need
The drive home from the Bjorgmans' house was quieter than Idunn expected. The fact Elsa had agreed to go home with her didn't mean things were okay between them, and for a short moment, Idunn had completely forgotten about it. It made the journey more awkward than it was supposed to be, and she couldn't blame her daughter for it.
Idunn wished there was something she could say or do to make Elsa feel more at ease around her. She didn't care if she didn't get the chance to talk to Elsa about their past at all; all she wanted was to help her, show her she could trust her, and offer her a second home. Even when she knew she couldn't offer Elsa more than the Bjorgmans had already given her, she wanted to be there for her anyway she could.
When she parked the car in front of the house, she turned to Elsa and offered her an encouraging smile. "Here we are," she said, hoping she could show her there was nothing to be nervous about. She then offered Elsa her umbrella.
"I'm soaked, Idunn," said Elsa, shaking her head. She saw no reason in accepting it after she had spent half the morning under the rain. "There's no use for the umbrella now."
Idunn agreed with her reasoning but still felt like she should avoid getting even more wet than she already was. "Can you run to the door, then?" She questioned as she opened her own door and kept the umbrella for herself. "It's raining even harder than before." Once Elsa nodded yes, she got out of the car and hurried to the front door.
Elsa watched Idunn run and wondered what was the point of using an umbrella if she was going to dart to the door anyway. She couldn't avoid comparing it with something Anna would do and it made her smile. Shaking her head, she picked her bag and got out of the car. She hurried to the front door as well and got there by the time Idunn had opened the door wide for her to enter. As soon as she was standing in the hall, Elsa wringed out her hair and clothes as much as possible.
"Wait here. I'll get you a towel," said Idunn the moment she saw Elsa doing everything in her power to get dry. She didn't wait for her daughter to say anything and simply disappeared into a room. When she returned, she walked to where Elsa was still standing and put the towel on her shoulders. She asked for her bag and hung it on a coat rack by the door. Elsa didn't get to thank her, before she disappeared once again and got her some dry clothes.
"I thought you could wear one of Anna's t-shirts and a pair of her trousers while yours dry," Idunn said as she handed Elsa the clothes. "I also brought a hoodie, in case you were cold."
Elsa smiled politely at her and accepted the clothes, though she wasn't sure where she could go to change.
Idunn soon noticed Elsa had no idea what to do now that she had a towel hanging from her shoulder and Anna's clothes in her hands. So, she offered the bathroom for her to change. "Sorry, I'm so used to Anna being the one in this situation. She doesn't care too much about propriety and simply changes her clothes in the hall," she chuckled as she explained Anna's usual behaviour. "The door opposite the staircase is the bathroom. You can change your clothes there and leave your wet ones to dry."
Elsa nodded and mumbled a thank you before she did as told. She was truly thankful for Idunn's hospitality, but she still felt out of place inside her house. She had been uncomfortable the night she had come with Kristoff and now she truly felt like she didn't belong in that place. To calm herself down, she reminded herself constantly that she was supposed to be there for a few minutes or an hour, not more than that, and then she could go back home.
She finished changing her clothes and then looked at herself in the mirror. It was at that moment she understood Idunn's concern. Anna's dry and clean clothes did nothing to hide how awful she looked. She was paler than usual and the dark bags under her eyes showed how little sleep she had had the night before.
Running into Idunn had helped her in a strange way to distract herself from her problems after all. Laughing to herself, she thought there couldn't be a better way to forget about your problems than getting into new ones, though she was certain it wasn't the healthiest way to deal with them.
She let her hair down and combed it several times, trying to look as presentable as possible. She wasn't sure if Anna was in the house but she didn't want to risk running into her looking so miserable. She knew her sister wouldn't stop pestering her until she told her exactly what was wrong. And she didn't know how to keep herself under control if the dam broke. Avoiding the issue was the best thing she could do inside the Arendelles' house, and for that she needed to look as presentable as possible. She redid her braid and, taking advantage of her wet hair, she froze her hair in place. She usually used that trick whenever she had to leave the house in a rush, and she was glad she could pull it off so quickly. She looked at herself one more time, muttering a few encouraging words at her reflection, and finally came out of the bathroom. Idunn was nowhere to be seen, but she heard some noise coming from one of the rooms. If she remembered correctly, the kitchen was in that direction, and so she followed the sound hoping to find the older woman.
Idunn smiled brightly the moment she saw her daughter at the kitchen door. She was surprised to see her hair done so perfectly in such a short time, but she didn't think too much about it. It was good to see Elsa look much better now that she wasn't soaked to the bone. Her downcast expression was still present, but at least she didn't look so beaten anymore. "Do you want to eat something?" she said, hoping a good meal could help improve Elsa's mood. "It's almost midday. I'm sure you must be hungry."
"Not really," said Elsa. Truth be told, she hadn't eaten anything in the last twelve hours, but she didn't feel like eating regardless. "Thanks."
"Do you like tea? I can make some…"
"It's okay, Idunn," insisted Elsa. "You don't need to do anything for me."
"Of course I do…" 'I'm your mother,' was what she really wanted to say, but instead she settled for, "You're my guest. Is peppermint tea okay?"
"Yes… I guess it is."
Idunn's smile became slightly bigger than before and Elsa felt guilty for wanting to get out of the house as soon as possible. It was clear Idunn was trying hard to make her feel welcomed, and she couldn't deny she was being very thoughtful even when the situation was awkward to both of them.
"Come on in," said Idunn once she noticed Elsa was still standing by the door. "Please take a seat." Once her daughter was sitting, she decided to go on talking, "you know, peppermint is Anna's favourite tea."
"I think she's mentioned it before," said Elsa, remembering a few times Anna had asked for that specific kind of tea. After a moment in silence, Elsa said, "I thought Anna would be home…"
"Umm… No. She stayed at Kristoff's last night." Idunn continued with her task in the kitchen while she talked. "They are quite a pair, those two."
"She makes Kristoff really happy," Elsa agreed with a small smile.
"She's been a lot happier ever since Kristoff walked into her life too."
Idunn then looked at Elsa over her shoulder and a wistful smile drew on her face. After years of wondering what had happened to her eldest daughter, she was finally able to spend a few minutes in her company. It wasn't exactly the way she had hoped to meet Elsa, but she was happy nonetheless. She couldn't count the times she had wished for Elsa to be by her side the way she was right now. If she made an effort, she could pretend they were simply mother and daughter waiting for the rest of the family to get back home.
She put the kettle over the fire and turned around, leaning on the counter to look at Elsa while the water heated. It was surreal to think the woman sitting at her kitchen table was the baby she had once held in her arms. It made her realise how fast life had gone by, and how much she had missed for her stupid actions.
It didn't take long for Elsa to notice Idunn's inquisitive look, and she raised her gaze to look at her as well. Elsa didn't say anything in particular and it was obvious she was making a conscious effort not to lock eyes with her. But still, Idunn understood the silent request. It was clear the unwanted attention made her uncomfortable.
Feeling stupid for putting Elsa in that awkward situation, Idunn turned her back to her once again and made sure she had everything she needed for their tea. Once the water boiled, she arranged the teacups and teapot on a silver platter and walked back to the table where Elsa was sitting. While she was arranging the things on the table, Idunn noticed the way Elsa kept biting her lip and playing with a thin bracelet on her left wrist. She tried to pay a look at the piece of jewellery discreetly, but Elsa's hand kept getting in the way.
"So… Elsa—" she began to say once she sat on the opposite side of the table, but Elsa interrupted her suddenly.
"Maybe I shouldn't have come," said Elsa sincerely. She had regretted her decision as soon as she had sat inside Idunn's car for a second time. But now that Idunn was sitting in front of her — ready to talk to her — Elsa felt like she couldn't pretend anymore.
"Wha– what?" said Idunn, taken aback. She thought they had been doing so well, despite the circumstances. She was aware of Elsa's discomfort but she thought they had found a common ground. "No, don't say that. Staying under the rain was simply—"
"I can't do this. Not today." Elsa was having a hard time keeping her powers in check. She was more nervous than she let on. Not to mention how tired she felt. All she wanted was to go back home, wherever that was… Gerda wasn't home. The mountain wasn't a good place to be either. She just didn't know where to go anymore, but she was certain the Arendelles' house was not where she wanted to be. "I'm sorry. It's just–" she tried to find the words to explain the way she felt without sounding too harsh, but she had no idea what to do. "I don't know how to talk to you. I don't know what to say to you. I can't do this…"
Idunn smiled sadly at her daughter, understanding how difficult this was for Elsa too. Her daughter had lived all her life with the idea her parents weren't there. They had simply vanished and left her in the worst place a child could be. And then, when she had finally found a family of her own and she was starting to heal, Agdar and she showed up in her life. No-one in Elsa's situation would know what to do, or how to react. And Idunn had to be thankful she was still willing to be on speaking terms with her.
"You don't need to do or say anything, sweetheart," said Idunn, trying to calm her down. She tried to put her hand on top of Elsa's but she pulled away, avoiding physical contact. Idunn hid her pain as best she could and said, "we don't need to talk about anything that makes you uncomfortable. All I want is to make sure you have a place to stay until you can go home. I want you to feel better… You seem to be in the doldrums."
Elsa stayed quiet for a moment and finally admitted, "I don't know what that means…"
"Sad," she explained patiently. "It means you look sad. Please, Elsa, it's still raining a lot. Just stay here a few more minutes and then I'll take you home. I promise."
Elsa didn't meet her eyes, but nodded nonetheless. She wasn't sure about it, but she had no other place to go. She guessed she could do it as long as they didn't talk about their pasts.
Understanding exactly what Elsa needed, Idunn tried to come up with a topic of conversation. "I couldn't help but notice you're wearing a bracelet," she said once she was certain Elsa wasn't going to run out the door. She guessed talking about mundane things could help her relax a bit more.
Elsa raised her head and looked at Idunn confused about the change of topic.
"Anna wears some jewellery when she goes out or when we have a special dinner, but she never entertained the idea of wearing bracelets, rings or necklaces on a daily basis…"
"Oh, I– I do. I guess," Elsa said, looking at the bracelet she always wore on her left wrist.
"May I see it?"
"Umm… Sure." Elsa extended her left arm, making sure the palm of her hand was pointing to the ground so Idunn wasn't grossed out by the blood on her precarious bandage, and she wasn't exposed to her powers, in case something went wrong.
Idunn moved her chair so she got closer to Elsa and tried her best not to touch her hand. The way she had reacted before told her Elsa didn't enjoy physical contact and she planned to respect her boundaries. "It's beautiful," she said as soon as she could pay a close look at it. The bracelet was thin and delicate. A beautiful flat chain made of white gold with a small snowflake engraved on its clasp. Idunn could tell it was made of real gold, it was certainly an expensive piece.
"Mum gave it to me," said Elsa absentmindedly.
From the day she found out Elsa Bjorgman was her Elsa, Idunn tried to accept the fact Gerda was irrevocably her mother. But no matter how hard she had tried to come to terms with it, she still felt sad when Elsa called Gerda mum so naturally. "A birthday present?" she asked, trying to keep the conversation going and ignoring her unfounded envy.
"Umm… no. I don't– I don't celebrate my birthday," Elsa admitted timidly.
"What? Why?" Idunn could see Elsa was unsure to talk about it, but her curiosity got the best of her.
Elsa looked at her and then at the table between them. "No reason."
It took Idunn a moment to understand. They had left her with nothing but a name when she was a baby. There was no way she could know when her birthday was. The fact Elsa didn't celebrate it was yet another thing Agdar and she had taken from her. "Oh… Elsa," she exclaimed, feeling terrible for what they had done. "I'm so sorry. I—"
"She gave it to me when I moved to the mountain," Elsa said, interrupting her apology. She didn't mind talking about the bracelet. But she didn't want to discuss anything related to her past. "She said it was a way of keeping the family close. She had it engraved for me."
Idunn didn't know what to say to Elsa after that. She still wanted to apologise, but she had promised to keep the conversation light and simple so they could pass the time together. It was more than obvious that's what Elsa wanted too. Feeling conflicted, Idunn remained quiet for a few minutes. Elsa did the same, clearly aware of the awkward situation.
Thinking it was best to do something productive instead of looking at the table between them, Idunn said, "Can I see your hand again? Maybe I could help you with your injury."
"There isn't much you can do," said Elsa, looking at the still wet bandages. "Unless you know how to give stitches."
"No, I don't. I'm sorry," said Idunn, sad she couldn't help. "Let me change that piece of cloth into some dry bandages at least. Can I do that?"
Elsa nodded, knowing it was best to do something about it while Idunn, happy to be of help, said she'd look for her first-aid kit.
A few minutes later, Idunn reappeared through the door with a small box containing all the things she could need to heal Elsa's hand — at least momentarily. She was nonplussed the moment she took Elsa's wet bandages, the wound on her hand looked deeper than she had imagined. She had been expecting something smaller, easier to treat.
"Elsa," she called her daughter's attention. "What happened?"
Elsa wasn't surprised by Idunn's reaction, she knew it probably didn't look good. "I cut my hand with a piece of glass."
"Are you positive you don't want to go to the ER? It must hurt a lot."
"I can wait till Gerda sees it. It doesn't hurt as bad as it did last night."
"Last night?!" Idunn couldn't understand why she'd wait so many hours to find some help. Especially if she was covering the wound with such precarious bandages. "Why didn't you call someone?"
"Marshall — a friend" clarified Elsa. "He was there with me. He helped me take care of it." It wasn't exactly how things had played out the previous night, but it was all she was willing to share.
"Well, he didn't do a good job," she answered, surprised that was the best her friend could do to treat a wound. "Next time, he could help you get to the city instead."
"It's my fault," said Elsa suddenly, trying to defend her friend. "He tried to help me but something happened…"
Idunn became aware of Elsa's downcast eyes the moment she admitted that. "Is this thing that happened the reason you are in such low spirits today?" It wasn't her place to ask, but maybe if Elsa could confide in her, she'd feel better.
Elsa hesitated for a moment, unsure if she wanted to tell Idunn what she had done. Even if she was her biological mother, she didn't know the woman. The few things she did know was thanks to Anna and the letters they had shared, but it wasn't enough to know the way she'd react. After all, she had hurt another person with her powers.
"Even if it's hard, talking about these things usually helps a lot," said Idunn, hoping Elsa would give her a chance.
"I…" She didn't know what to do. There existed the chance Idunn could actually give her some good advice and help her see what was best for her to do.
"Yes?"
"Last night I—"
"Idunn, you left your car's lights on!" Came Adgar's voice from the hall interrupting Elsa. "Where are your keys?"
"Agdar!" said Idunn, surprised by the interruption. "You're home early."
"We decided to leave work before we fired that incompetent lad," he continued talking from the other room. "This is what we get for hiring unprofessional people. Wasting our time at the office on a Sunday just to fix their mistakes, unbelievable."
Idunn looked at Elsa and muttered an apology before she stood up and walked to the kitchen's door to see what her husband was doing. "Agdar, we've got company…" she warned, not knowing what he would say next.
Elsa, on her part, remained silent in her seat, not knowing what to do. It was logical for Agdar to show up. That was his house after all, but knowing he was there made Elsa a lot more uncomfortable than she already was.
"What do you mean by company?" asked Agdar as he walked into the kitchen. He froze in his place when he saw Elsa sitting at the table. "Elsa!" he exclaimed, enthusiastically. "I wasn't– I didn't expect you to be here!"
"Hello…" said Elsa, unsure of what to say or do. His excitement to see her was quite obvious, making her feel partially guilty for ignoring his letters.
"Elsa is killing some time here while she waits for Gerda to get back home." Idunn wasn't sure if that truly explained what had happened earlier that morning, but it was a start.
"What?" said Agdar, still baffled by Elsa's visit. "Is everything okay?"
"Idunn, could I use your bathroom, please?" interrupted Elsa, hoping to buy herself some time and get a grip on her emotions. Seeing Agdar again made her feel uneasy. She couldn't get out of her head the argument they had had the last time she was at their house, and she wasn't sure how to act around him.
"Sure thing, dear," said Idunn.
"Thank you," mumbled Elsa, as she walked past them.
Once Elsa was out of sight, Agdar turned to his wife and grabbed her by the shoulders. "Should I be excited? Concerned? Please tell me something. Did you arrange this meeting?"
"Calm down," hissed Idunn, hoping Elsa didn't hear his overexcitement. "I'll explain everything in a moment."
"Will she stay for dinner? Is she willing to talk things through?"
"I said stay calm, please," repeated Idunn, grabbing his hands and forcing him to let go of her. "I don't know," she said in a low tone of voice. "I don't think she'll stay much longer. I ran into her by accident."
"Where?"
"Sit down. I'll try to explain everything before she comes back."
Elsa locked the door as soon as she stepped into the bathroom and drew a deep breath in. She wasn't in the right mood to talk to her birth parents. She didn't even know if she'd ever be in the right mood for it. But now that Agdar was back home, she didn't have many options. Either she left now or she stayed and risked talking about her past with people she barely knew.
She looked at herself in the mirror once again, as she wondered what to do. Leaning over the sink, a sharp pain made her notice her injury was still exposed. Idunn had taken the bandages off but she hadn't got time to replace them. Once again, she cursed Agdar for arriving at the worst possible time. She still needed to bandage her wound before she could walk out the door. Not to mention she could still hear the pouring rain outside, making it harder for her to leave without Idunn trying to stop her.
She washed her face with her good hand and took a few deep breaths to calm her nerves. She could feel the ice tickling under her skin, but it was nothing like the night before. She knew she still had her powers under control and that was a good sign.
Making up her mind, she looked at herself in the mirror one last time, muttered a few encouraging words and returned to the kitchen before her absence would call their attention. To her bad luck, she couldn't hide inside the Arendelles' bathroom until the rain stopped.
"Elsa!" said Agdar as soon as she walked into the kitchen. Once again, his eagerness to talk to her didn't go unnoticed by Elsa. "There you are. I'm sorry I interrupted your conversation with Idunn earlier. I didn't know we had company. I apologise for my verbosity. I usually do that when I'm preoccupied with work."
Since the first day she had met the Arendelles, Elsa thought Anna was more similar to her mother than her father — besides the colour of her hair which was certainly Agdar's. But now that she heard him talk, she couldn't ignore how similar the two of them talked. Both of them seemed to say everything that came to mind when they were excited; the only difference was Agdar's choice of words was a bit harder for her to follow.
"I'm sorry I came unannounced," she answered, unsure if Agdar was the kind of man who didn't like visits.
"Don't worry about it. Idunn here was telling me how the two of you ran into each other." Standing up from the chair she had previously been sitting on, he said, "Please, have a seat."
"Thank you for your hospitality. But maybe it'd be better for me to go." Elsa could see how disappointed he looked, but she had made up her mind. Even with her wound exposed, she thought it was best to leave.
"There's no need."
"Are you sure you don't want to call Gerda beforehand?" Idunn tried to persuade her. All she needed was to buy some time, enough for her husband to feel like he had spent some time with Elsa too.
"She sometimes does grocery shopping on Sunday mornings. I'm sure she must be back home already." Elsa hoped that was the case, it wasn't like she wanted to stay under the rain for several hours until Gerda returned from who-knows-where.
"You could still stay for a little longer," offered Agdar, hoping his daughter would stay at least for a few more minutes. "We could talk. The three of us, I mean."
"I'd rather go," Elsa insisted. She guessed being honest was the best choice. "No offence."
"None taken." Idunn stood up from her chair as she spoke, willing to take Elsa home if that was what she truly wanted. "Maybe some other time?" she asked, hoping the answer would be yes. Deep down, there was nothing she wanted more than for Elsa to stay. But there was no point in forcing her to do so, she was certain it would do more damage than good.
"I'm not sure…"
"Please, Elsa," said Agdar more emphatically. "We need to talk. There's no reason to delay this conversation."
"I don't think it's necessary." She wasn't ready. And she didn't know if she'd ever be.
"Well, I do," said Agdar, convinced they couldn't let the opportunity slip. "We need to make amends"
"No," said Elsa, sounding a lot more confident than she imagined. At first, she didn't want to hurt Anna's family with a resounding no, and she had hoped they got the message; but Agdar wasn't helping. "That's what you need."
"I think we are all part of this, Elsa," Agdar said, trying to reason with her. "I know our actions have hurt you deeply but, please, try to understand where we stand."
Elsa's patience was running thin, and with it, her control over her powers. She still had the situation under control, but she didn't want to test her limits. And deep down, she knew she didn't need to stay and listen to Agdar's demands.
"I'm going home. Thank you for your help, Idunn," she said sincerely.
Idunn opened her eyes in surprise the moment Elsa addressed her. She had been so concerned about the conversation taking place, she hadn't really been expecting Elsa to talk to her. By the time she tried to answer, Elsa was no longer in sight. She found her keys as fast as she could and left the kitchen after Elsa.
Agdar followed them, stopping Elsa just as she was about to walk out of the dining room into the hall. "Could you at least tell me why you won't answer my letters? Have you even read them?" he asked, exasperated.
"Agdar!" Idunn couldn't believe her husband was being so insistent with Elsa. She had the right to ignore his letters, but he didn't seem to understand that.
"I just want to know," he answered as he turned to look at his wife. "She's right in front of us, Idunn. This might be the only chance we'll ever get to talk to her."
"It'll be if you don't stop being so demanding!" she hissed.
Agdar's tone did nothing but fuel Elsa's rising irritation. Suddenly she didn't care about keeping a level head. "Why should I?" She hadn't raised her voice at all, but her question shook Agdar just as if she had.
"What?" he asked, not expecting Elsa to react the way she had.
"Why should I answer your letters? Why should I sit down and talk to you?" asked Elsa, surprising both of them. "Why is it so important to talk to me now?"
For a brief moment, he didn't know what to say. He was looking at his eldest daughter, asking him something so simple yet so difficult to answer. Why? Why should she listen to anything he had to say? He knew she was right. The only answer was his desire to make things right. To make amends… But that was his selfish need.
She didn't give Agdar enough time to come up with a convincing reason before she went on, "All these years you didn't care if I was still alive or not. You guessed I was out there somewhere, and that was enough for you. Why do you care so much now?"
"Because you are my daughter." For him, that was all it mattered.
"I don't know you," Elsa said bitterly. "And you certainly don't know me. A couple of months ago I was only Anna's sister-in-law."
"I know we don't know each other on a personal level yet. I know Idunn and I may not represent anything to you right now, but if you'd just let us—"
"I'm still the same person, you know?"
Agdar and Idunn weren't sure what she meant, so they both stayed silent.
"Anna's sister-in-law and me," she said. "You didn't want to listen to me then, why do you want to listen to me now?"
"What do you mean I didn't want to listen?" Agdar asked, he wasn't sure where the conversation was going, but he'd do anything to prove his daughter talking things through was for the best in the long run.
Something inside Elsa snapped at his question, her irritation turning into resentment. Their argument and the way it made her feel still replayed in her mind whenever she thought about the possibility of giving her birth parents a second chance, yet Agdar didn't seem to remember nor care about it. "What I had to say about Romsdal wasn't important. The things I had experienced didn't matter to you."
"That's not true."
"I was sitting right there!" yelled Elsa, finally losing her temper. She pointed at the table at his back over and over again as she explained, "I was telling you Weselton had done terrible things to me as a child, and you insisted I was exaggerating. You insisted he was a good person!"
Snow began to fall in the dining room, covering the furniture in white powder. The snow wasn't enough to alarm Agdar and Idunn, but it certainly told them she was reaching a breaking point.
"Elsa, please, calm down," said Idunn, trying to help her daughter see reason. She didn't agree with Agdar's demands and insistence. But she wasn't going to let Elsa lose control, she knew it was something Elsa could regret.
Elsa looked at Idunn and then realised the snow falling around them. She wanted the snow to leave her alone. She wanted to express the way she felt for a minute without caring about hurting someone around her. She took a few steps backwards, ashamed of herself.
Idunn gave her time to take in what was going on around her. Before she could tell Elsa to ignore Agdar and accept a ride home, Elsa spoke again, sounding a lot more beated than before.
"You couldn't care less about my opinion, nor me as a person." It was clear she was speaking to Agdar, even though her gaze was fixed on the floor. "You only changed the way you saw me when you realised I was your daughter."
"I—"
"So, please, tell me why should I sit here and talk to you when I know all you want to do is clear your conscience."
Even if Elsa's powers had receded, Idunn had to look down and make sure Elsa hadn't frozen Agdar to the floor by how still he was standing. He was clearly at a loss for words, and for a moment Idunn thought the argument was over.
Elsa looked at them for a moment before she finally left the room, disappearing from their sight. Not thinking twice about it, Idunn followed after her.
"You're right about us not knowing each other," said Agdar, still standing in the dining room, unsure if Elsa was still inside the house. "And you may be right about me not giving you the chance to talk and tell your truth — your side of things…"
Idunn turned to look at Elsa by the door and noticed she had stopped dead in her tracks. She didn't utter a word, giving Agdar the chance to finish his idea.
"That is exactly why we need to have this conversation," he said, hoping the silence from the hall meant he should keep talking. "I owe you the opportunity to tell me everything you ever wanted. And I owe you the chance to find out who you are."
"I know who I am." Elsa said indignantly, turning around just in time to see Agdar join them in the hall.
"Don't you want to know anything about us? Don't you have any questions?"
"Questions?"
"Yes," Agdar sighed in relief. He finally felt like he had caught Elsa's attention. "I'm sure you must have questions. I want you to finally find answers. I want you to understand why we did the things we did."
Elsa stayed silent for a moment, thinking about the possibility of asking her birth parents something in particular. Truth was, she wanted to leave. She had no intention of staying. But Agdar's offer gave her the opportunity to finally answer the question that had kept her up at night for as long as she could remember. "If I hadn't had ice powers, would you have kept me?"
"What?" asked Agdar, startled.
"That's a question, isn't it?" Elsa said, not giving in. Agdar was offering the opportunity to find an answer she wanted. An answer she actually needed to help her make up her mind about them.
"Elsa, please, there's no need to talk about this now," said Idunn, not liking where this was going. She walked towards her daughter and gently patted her shoulder. "I'll take you home."
Even if Idunn's touch surprised her, Elsa kept her eyes fixed on Agdar's. "In your letters you say you had problems with your father, as well as money." She was trying to remember everything Agdar had said to her in his letters. "And I get that. I know what it feels like not to have enough money to cover basic needs — the only reason I'm here today is because I didn't have enough money for a cab fare." She could feel Idunn's worried gaze on her, but she didn't let her distract her. "I can only imagine what it feels like when you need to take care of a child on top of it. But I can't stop wondering, would you have tried harder if I had been normal?"
"We did the best we could," Agdar said, trying to avoid the question.
"Would you have tried harder?" repeated Elsa, ignoring his answer. "Would you have kept me?"
Not feeling comfortable with the answer he should give, Agdar tried to persuade Elsa. "Elsa, that is not—"
"You said you'd answer my questions."
"To talk about this out of context is simply—"
Sick of Agdar trying to answer with twisted words, she begged, "just answer the damn question!"
Agdar tried to find an answer that wouldn't break his daughter's heart, but couldn't. Truth was they would have done a lot more for her if only she hadn't been born with ice powers. "Yes," he said so quietly that Elsa almost missed it. He then kept his eyes fixed on the wooden floor, no daring see hurt written all over her face.
Elsa stayed silent after she heard Agdar's answer. She was still looking at him, but she couldn't focus on anything in particular. She felt like she had been slapped, and the whole in her chest became even bigger than before. She felt inmensurable sadness and anger. But this time. The anger wasn't directed to Agdar. She was mad at herself… For hoping, for having faith someone out there could love her and accept her for who she was.
The more she thought about it, the more logic Agdar's answer made. They had kept Anna. Why wouldn't they have kept a normal version of herself?
"Elsa…" Idunn said by her side, but didn't continue, unsure of what to say.
Elsa looked at Idunn and then at Agdar once again. He had finally raised his eyes and she thought it was best for her to say something.
"That's exactly why I don't want to talk to you," Elsa said, her voice low, trying to stop her voice from trembling. "I'm the one who will always end up feeling like a piece of garbage."
"I'm so sorry, Elsa," Idunn said, caressing her daughter's arm. It was freezing, but she didn't care. She should have never cared about that. "We truly thought we were doing the right thing at the time."
"We loved you," Agdar said, hoping love could fix all of their mistakes.
"Not as much as if I had been normal it seems." Until that moment, Elsa had tried to keep a strong appearance. She had tried to challenge Agdar, showing a brave face. But at that moment, she couldn't stop the tears and snow from falling. Saying it aloud made it more real… more painful.
Shaking his head, trying in vain to erase the pain he felt, Agdar tried once again. He was not going to stand back and watch his daughter suffer for their mistakes anymore. He needed her to give him a chance, to listen to him and hopefully understand their claims were true. They loved her. "I know what we did was wrong. And I understand how you feel but— "
"Let me ask you something…" Her voice, as cold as the snow falling around them, stopped Agdar. "Have you ever been so tired, or in so much pain, you passed out?"
"What?" Idunn exclaimed, alarmed.
"Have you ever been so sick you thought you were going to die?" Tears kept falling down her cheeks.
"No—" He wasn't sure what to say. He wasn't even sure if they were rhetorical questions or if Elsa was actually expecting an answer. "What does this have to do with—?"
"Have you ever felt so bad about who you are and the things you do—" she stopped to draw in a breath. She couldn't control her tears. "That– that you start to believe you deserve every bad thing that has ever happened to you?"
Both parents stayed in complete silence, stunned to hear Elsa open up about the things she'd lived.
"Have you ever experienced that?!" Elsa repeated, letting them know she was expecting an answer.
"No," Agdar said clearly even though his voice was trembling.
"Then, don't say you understand the way I feel." She got her point across, pointing at herself repeatedly.
Once again, both Agdar and Idunn stayed in silence. Unsure of what to say or do. There was no nothing they could think of that could help Elsa feel less miserable.
"I'm going home." She picked her bag, which was still hanging from the coat rack by the door and finally turned around to leave the house.
"I never meant for any of that to happen," Agdar said, hoping Elsa would trust his word, even if it seemed improbable. "I just wanted to give you a better life. I wanted to help you."
"Has it ever crossed your mind that all the help I needed was a loving family?" She asked in a low voice. "Someone who would see past the ice and snow and love me all the same?"
"No…" He saw no reason in keeping the truth from her anymore. It was true he had never imagined something so simple could help her overcome the problems her powers caused.
Taking a few deep breaths, Elsa did everything in her power to stop the snow from falling. She focused on her emotions until they were secured behind the wall she had built years ago. She dried her tears and, once she was certain she could walk under the rain without freezing the drops around her, she asked, "Can I go home now, please?"
"Yes, of course," said Agdar, certain there was nothing else he could say to convince Elsa to stay.
Elsa hadn't walked more than a block away from their house when she heard Idunn calling after her. The woman was running under the rain with an umbrella in her hand.
"Elsa, wait!" she said, hoping Elsa would stop for just a moment.
Sighing tiredly, Elsa turned around and faced her. "Idunn, I don't want to—"
"It's just the umbrella," Idunn managed to say in between breaths. She grabbed Elsa's good hand and forced her to take it. "Keep it. And here's some money for a cab." She put the money inside her hoodie's pocket.
Elsa stayed silent, not knowing what to say. Part of her didn't want to accept the things she was being given; but on the other hand, she was glad she had a way of getting home faster.
"Go home to your mother and get your wound treated," Idunn said, patting the back of her injured hand. "I don't want you getting sick."
Idunn's gentleness made Elsa feel guilty for everything she had done and said inside her house. She was still ashamed of the snow she had left all over the place. "Idunn… I'm sorry I—"
"Don't," said Idunn sharply, making Elsa open her eyes in surprise. "Do not apologise. Please. This isn't your fault. Nothing is your fault." Taking a step closer to her daughter, she cupped her face to make sure Elsa listened to what she was about to say. "I am so very sorry for all the pain we inflicted on you, Elsa. There isn't a day I don't regret what we did."
"Idunn—" Elsa tried to say, but Idunn stopped her.
"I loved you so, so much." She had told herself time and time again she was not going to cry, but she couldn't fight the tears that welled in her eyes. "I still do. I would give anything to take your pain away. Anything." A sad smile drew on her face, she wished her words could be more than that. She wished there was a way she could turn back time. "I'm sorry Agdar and I can't seem to do anything right. You deserve so much more than what you get. Just know that we didn't leave you behind because of your powers. We left you because we were powerless."
Once again, Elsa raised her eyebrows in surprise. She couldn't explain it, but Idunn's words felt sincere. Seeing her cry had made Elsa feel empty inside. It just wasn't right.
"We were Helpless," she continued. "Our ineptitude made us do the most stupid thing we've ever done. The worst thing is, you're still the one paying the consequences of our actions."
In front of Elsa was the woman she could have called her mother. There was the mother she had longed for during those lonely nights in Weselton's clinic. And for a moment, Elsa wondered what her life would have been like if that woman standing in front of her wouldn't have abandoned her. "Was it really so hard to live with me? To take care of me?"
"No." Idunn shook her head. "We just didn't know what to do. We were stupid… We still are."
Idunn's words sounded so genuine, Elsa felt she owed the woman some honesty too. Before she could stop herself, she said, "I needed you so much when I was a kid…" Elsa felt the tears well up in her eyes as she spoke. "I suffered so much. I was so afraid all the time. I would have given anything to meet you back then."
"I'm so, so sorry, my love," Idunn dried a couple of tears from Elsa's eyes, and she hoped she could make Elsa's bad memories disappear just the same.
Feeling overwhelmed by Idunn's closeness. Elsa put some distance between them, and asked, "can I ask you something?"
"Anything," she said. "Now and ever. Whatever you need, just say it."
"Don't tell Anna I was here. I don't want her to hate me over this. She loves you, and she loves the idea of us being a family again…" It hurt Elsa to know she was putting more and more distance between Anna's family and herself after that day, but she couldn't ignore the way she felt. She wasn't comfortable around Agdar. And she wasn't sure she could forgive her birth parents after everything that had happened. "I don't want to make things more difficult than they already are."
Idunn was conflicted for a moment, but soon understood Elsa's reasoning. She knew Anna would never resent her sister over what had happened, but still, she agreed with Elsa. It was best she didn't find out. At least until they were on better terms. "That's understandable… This meeting never happened."
"Thank you." Elsa offered her a small smile. "And thank you for your help today."
"Just—" said Idunn, stopping Elsa who was about to go. The moment she turned to look at her, Idunn threw herself in Elsa's arms, hugging her tightly. "I'm sorry," she said, aware she wasn't respecting Elsa's boundaries. "I just needed to give you one more hug. The one I gave you that night at the orphanage wasn't long enough… And I feel like I'm losing you all over again."
Elsa stayed frozen in place. She felt bad for Idunn, but she couldn't return the hug. Not the way she expected. "I need to go," she murmured, not knowing what else to say.
"I know," said Idunn and reluctantly let her go.
I feel like some dialogues in this chapter are part of my past haha. Some of the things you're reading now were written over three years ago when I first began to plot this story, together with some scenes from chapter 9 "The storm". It's so crazy to think those few lines I wrote in 2018 turned into this. I still can't believe I've written more than 200,000 words and still haven't finished this story. I can't believe you guys have this amount of patience. I can't thank you enough for that.
Anyway, as you can guess, this chapter was written and rewritten, and then rewritten again several times. Not entirely, just the dialogues and the characters' interactions. Elsa put up a fight against me in this chapter in particular. I think I finally understand what writers mean when they say some characters have lives of their own. No matter how hard I tried, Elsa wouldn't leave the Arendelles' house without speaking up her mind, so I let her do as she pleased at the end.
You may find some mistakes here or there, truth is I tried to check for spelling mistakes and grammar mistakes before uploading this chapter, but truth is I am really tired. It's quite late where I live and I've got to work tomorrow, but I didn't want to make you guys wait any longer. I know some of you were excited to read this chapter! I hope you enjoy it!
I'd like to read your opinions about this chapter. Or about the story in general. Or about anything you think is worth mentioning. Please don't be shy! I'm always open to comments and opinions. I love reading you!
Hope you're all doing great! Read you soon!
