Ritornare
Idunn stayed under the rain, watching her daughter go, and felt a part of her break inside. The last remnants of hope were being washed away by the raindrops and she wasn't sure what she was supposed to do now that Elsa was gone.
Once she was back home, she found her husband sitting at the kitchen table. His eyes were fixed in the cold cup of tea in front of him. Elsa hadn't even put sugar on it. She had simply left it on the table untouched. But for some reason, she could understand Agdar. That cup of tea was the closest they had ever been to having a normal conversation with their daughter, and probably the closest they'd ever be.
Shaking her head, she tried in vain to get rid of those thoughts and the overwhelming sadness she was feeling. She then tried to focus her attention on her husband once again. It was clear he was feeling a lot of regret, the fact he hadn't even noticed her presence was in itself a clear indicator. But no matter how much she tried to understand Agdar's frustration and sorrow, the pent-up anger she felt towards him at that moment wouldn't let her think straight.
She couldn't forgive him, at least not at that moment. Since the day they had found Elsa, they had talked a lot about the things they should or shouldn't do if they ever got the chance to talk to her. They both knew how delicate the situation was. How important it was to give their daughter as much time and space as she needed. Any mistake, no matter how small, could result in Elsa shutting the door in their faces forever. They knew that. And still, he had done the opposite of everything they had agreed on. He had ambushed and pressured Elsa into talking to them. He had let his own personal wishes cloud his judgement, ruining possibly the only opportunity they could ever get.
"Idunn…"
The voice of Agdar called her attention and she wondered for a moment if she had said out loud any of the things she was thinking about him. She waited for him to speak once again, afraid she had indeed said anything.
"Did you talk to her?" His voice was so low it took Idunn a moment to understand what he had said.
"Barely," she answered. She didn't want to sound so cold and distant, their family didn't need more problems. Anna didn't need to worry about them. She wouldn't forgive them if they started fighting for mistakes they had made over twenty years before. But at the same time, she couldn't pretend. She couldn't act nonchalantly when Agdar had driven Elsa away.
"I didn't mean for any of this to happen." He wasn't looking at her, his eyes were still fixed in the cup of tea in front of him as he rubbed his hands together.
Of course you didn't, she thought. Only a heartless bastard would want to push their child away. Deep down she knew he didn't want things to turn out the way they had. Though, she couldn't hide her frustration. "You know," she said as calmly as she could. She was about to confess one of her deepest secrets to him, and she needed to keep a level head. "Many sleepless nights I wondered if I shouldn't have kept Elsa to myself. Be just the two of us."
"What?" He didn't raise his voice, but the hurt she heard in it was impossible to ignore.
"I stopped thinking about it the day Anna was born but…"
"But?"
She could read him like an open book after spending twenty-five years together, she knew he was dreading the answer.
"Right now, after seeing how incredibly selfish you can be…" She took a deep breath, trying to calm down before she lost her temper. "I feel as if I should have done just that. Or at least I should've left after Anna was born, when she was old enough to come with me. I should've tried to find Elsa a long time ago."
He opened his mouth to explain to her she had done the right thing by staying. Or so Idunn imagined. But he closed it before he said anything. He gaped at her for a few seconds before he said, "I'm sorry."
"Being sorry won't bring my daughter back home," she said in a small voice. Even if it wasn't strident, it carried all the anger and frustration she was feeling. At him, of course; but at herself mostly. She was Elsa's mother. She had carried her for months. And she had promised the world to her. But then again, at the first inconvenience, she had abandoned her. "And at this point I think nothing will…"
Agdar nodded, understanding exactly what she meant. And she was thankful he didn't comment on the tears that had started running down her face.
After a few minutes in silence, where both of them did nothing but look at the floor, Idunn said, "Please, when Anna gets home, try to pretend nothing happened here today."
"I thought we wouldn't keep secrets anymore."
"I promised Elsa we wouldn't tell Anna. She doesn't want her sister to be between a rock and a hard place." She smiled, thinking how caring of her sister Elsa was. "I want to keep that promise. Am I clear?"
"What if—"
"Am I clear, Agdar?" she repeated a bit louder.
"Yes."
"Good." She nodded her head a few times before turning around, ready to leave the kitchen. "I think Elsa left her clothes in the bathroom. I'll store them somewhere before Anna arrives."
Finding a cab on a rainy Sunday had proved to be harder than Elsa originally imagined, which forced her to walk under the rain before she spotted an empty one. She waved to the black car and, only after getting in, did she get the chance to breathe a sigh of relief. She still needed to be careful not to let her concentration slip since she was inside a car with a stranger, but at least she knew it was a matter of minutes before she got home.
After the cab took a few turns, she realised she hadn't checked the amount of money Idunn had lent her, and decided it was best to do it before the car had gone farther than she could pay. She counted the notes she found inside her pocket and opened her eyes in surprise at what she saw. There was more money than she had expected. More money than she could spend that month alone. She chuckled bitterly at the idea that her birth parents didn't worry about money as much as she did. She had to admit she was thankful to Idunn for giving her the umbrella and some money, even after everything that had happened; but still, seeing how easily they gave money away made her wonder if the story Idunn had told her about their youth was even true.
She sighed, and shook her head, hoping to forget about her fight with her birth parents for at least a few minutes. Giving herself a task to keep her preoccupied, she made sure to count the money again and decided she'd find a way to return Anna's clothes and the rest of the money one day. She only needed to find a way to do it without Anna or Kristoff finding out, though.
With nothing else to distract her, she turned her head to the window. Rain kept falling, matching her sorrowful mood, but at least she was getting closer to her parent's home. She wasn't sure she looked as miserable as she was feeling, but the odd looks the cab driver sent her way over the rearview mirror told her that she probably did. She couldn't get rid of the empty feeling in her chest, and she wondered how long it would take the wound to heal, or if it ever would.
It's ridiculous to be sad about something you suspected your whole life, Elsa. Get a grip, she told herself, though it was ridiculous to pretend it didn't hurt.
"Is this the house?"
The voice of the cab driver pulled her out of her trance, and she realised the car had come to a full stop.
"Miss?" he repeated, hoping to get an answer.
"Yes, it is. I'm sorry."
"No need to apologise. It'll be 95.7 kr." As the cab driver watched her count the notes he said, "whatever it is you're thinking about, it shouldn't make you frown like that. Even on days like today, there's always a silver lining." He then offered her a sympathetic smile through the rearview mirror.
Elsa nodded but didn't say anything. She guessed he was only trying to help her see things in a different light. But at the same time, she wondered what was the hardest thing he had had to endure in his life. Closing her eyes tight for a second, she tried to get rid of the bitter thoughts. He was just a stranger trying to be nice for all she knew. Thinking it was best to keep her ideas to herself, she paid the man what she owed and thanked him for the ride.
She was about to get out of the car when the man spoke to her again, "are you by any chance Kai's adopted daughter?"
Elsa wondered what was the point of drawing attention to the fact she was adopted, but she nodded nonetheless.
"I heard he and Gerda had found another kid somewhere. But I never saw you around. I thought it was just gossip," he said with a laugh. "It was nice meeting you. Send Kai my regards."
"I don't know your name." She knew she was being rude to this man for no reason, but somehow she couldn't find the energy to pretend she wasn't bothered by the conversation.
"Arthur," he said, unaware of Elsa's frustration. "I used to live in the neighbourhood. Ask your brother about me, I'm sure he must remember. He was always playing with my eldest son."
Elsa remembered Kristoff playing outside and always pestering her to come play with him and the other kids. She was certain he'd remember the man, so she promised to send his regards. She bid her goodbyes and got out of the car.
On her way to the house, she wondered how many people in the neighbourhood even knew she existed. She guessed just a few did, considering she had spent the first three years inside the house. She wasn't sure if she was relieved or not about the fact no-one besides her family really knew she existed. After all, less people knowing of her existence made it easier for her to hide her powers; but at the same time, it made her awfully aware of how little she mattered. She could count with only one hand the people who actually knew her and cared for her, and she wasn't even sure one of them still did.
She knocked on the door and waited patiently for her parents to open up the door, hoping this time they were home. She also hoped to see the smile Gerda always offered her whenever she visited. After everything that had happened, she could use her mother's sunny demeanour.
To her relief, Gerda was the one who opened the door and as she was hoping a big smile drew on her face. "Goodness me, Elsa!" She opened the door wide for her to enter and continued, "what are you doing here in this weather? Why didn't you say you were coming home today? I could have told your father to pick you up from the bus station before he went to work. Why are you still standing out there? Come in!"
Elsa tried to answer her questions, but got interrupted by a new one whenever she was about to do it. Deciding it was best to obey and talk only once Gerda finished her rambling, she got into the house and left the umbrella against the closest corner for it to dry.
"Don't get the floor all wet!" her mother exclaimed. "Wait, I'll get a towel and a floor rag."
A few moments later Gerda showed up with both things and helped her with the bag while Elsa dried herself. "Have you eaten?" Gerda asked, after she gave Elsa the green light to enter the living room.
"What?" She asked, still distracted by her task at hand.
"Have you eaten something, dear?"
"No, not yet," she said, trying to sound natural, as if her disastrous morning hadn't happened. "But don't worry about it."
"Nonsense. I'll cook something for you. I ate out today," she said with a grin.
Gerda's smile made Elsa smile for the first time that day. There were many things Elsa admired about Gerda, and one of them was the way she enjoyed the little things in life. Eating out, even if it was on her own, would always put a smile on her face, especially when she tried new places in town.
"I got home a few minutes ago, actually. I had just prepared some tea. I'd offer you some, but it's peppermint. I know how much you hate it."
Walking into the kitchen, Elsa noticed the teapot and mug on top of the table. It was clear her mother hadn't sat down to drink it yet.
"Dad isn't home?" she asked when she saw only one mug.
"Kai had to go to work earlier today. Something about…" Gerda paused, as she tried to remember what her husband had said that morning. "That thing or the other. Don't tell him I didn't pay attention to him," she said with a playful wink.
Elsa chuckled and nodded.
"So, what would you like to eat?" insisted Gerda, as she walked to the fridge to see if there were some leftovers or something she could offer Elsa.
"Mum, it's fine. You don't need to—"
"Oh, I know! I've got some pickled herring here. Does that sound good?"
A small smile drew on Elsa's face as soon as she heard the name of her favourite dish. It could certainly help lift her spirits. "Yes, it does."
Gerda smiled and took the jar out of the fridge, as well as some vegetables that could work as a side dish. "I was thinking about you, you know?" she said as she worked on her task. "I found some pictures last night; well, not pictures. I found a film in the camera. It was from the last time your father and I stayed at the cabin."
"That was over a year ago," Elsa said as she got closer to her mother. She couldn't remember the last time they had spent more than a day with her at the cabin.
"I know! I had forgotten to have those photos developed. So that's what I did this morning! Do you want to see them after—? Dear heavens, Elsa!" Gerda stopped what she was doing as soon as she turned to look at her. She dropped the plate on top of the counter and grabbed her injured hand. "What happened?! Let me see your hand. Why didn't you tell me you needed help? Here I was talking and talking!"
Elsa was surprised at first, not understanding what had caused Gerda to get alarmed. But as soon as her mother demanded to see her hand, she noticed the blood stain she had left on the counter and allowed Gerda to examine her injured hand.
"Sit down," demanded Gerda. "Let me get my things. Don't touch it."
Elsa chuckled once her mother was out of the room. Gerda wouldn't let her rest if she knew the precarious bandages she had used in her hand earlier, and how many times she had touched the injury. She wasn't proud of it, but she had done what she could.
"What on earth did you do?" Gerda asked once she was in the room with her again.
"I cut my hand with a shard of glass." It wasn't a lie and Elsa thought it was all the information her mother needed. "I came here so you could help me close the wound."
"Then why didn't you say anything?!"
Elsa shrugged, unsure of why she hadn't shown her injury as soon as she stepped into the house. All she knew was that, for a short time, she had forgotten about her problems and she had enjoyed her mother's company too much to draw attention to them.
Gerda rolled her eyes at Elsa and said, "you need to start interrupting me, you know I could talk for hours about the most mundane things." She opened her first aid kit and asked for Elsa's hand. "Sweetheart, you shouldn't walk around with an exposed cut like this, especially under the rain."
"I didn't have any gauze at home."
"Elsa, how many times have I told you? You live in the middle of nowhere, always make sure you have everything you may need." It had been a long time since Gerda had to reprimand her like a kid, and it made her feel nostalgic. Right at that moment, she realised how much she missed Kai and Gerda's company. Given the choice, she probably wouldn't have left the house to live in the mountains when she did, but the constant struggle to keep her powers concealed had forced her to do it sooner than expected. It was true she was happy when she was in the mountains, but she didn't like the solitude as much as she pretended.
Elsa let her mother work on her hand, trying not to interrupt her. It was best Gerda disinfected and sutured her palm once and for all. To her disappointment, it took Gerda quite some time to fix her wound. Elsa had been forced to stop her several times to make sure her powers didn't run out of control.
Thankfully, Gerda knew exactly how easily triggered her powers were. And she was extra careful around her. From time to time, she even prompted Elsa to use her powers to their advantage. Letting a small layer of ice cover her palm helped her with the pain.
"It's been over ten years since I met you and I'm still amazed you can do what you do, " said Gerda after watching Elsa coat her palm with a new thin layer of ice.
Elsa had noticed her mother had been lost in her own thoughts, but even then, her comment got her by surprise. "I'm sorry," she said, unsure of what else to say. It didn't matter how hard she tried, she couldn't stop herself from feeling insecure whenever she used her powers.
"Don't apologise, dear." The sad smile on her face didn't go unnoticed by Elsa. "I mean it in the best way. It's incredible." She then picked a pair of scissors that were lying around and cut the thread before exclaiming, "All done!"
After flexing her hand a few times to test her stitches, Elsa smiled at her mother. "Thank you for your help."
"Wait, wait." Gerda grabbed Elsa's injured hand once again and gently wrapped it in clean gauze. Before she let go, Gerda kissed her hand, right where the injury was. "There. Now, it's all done!"
The gesture was so simple, and yet it carried so much trust and affection, that it welled Elsa's eyes with tears. She tried to pretend it didn't, but everything that had happened to her in the previous twenty-four hours made the small gesture a lot more meaningful, and before she could stop them, the tears began rolling down her face.
"I know what you're going to say," said Gerda, unaware of Elsa's tears as she put her things away. "Kissing wounds better is silly. Your brother always says so. But, in my experience, nothing takes away the pain like– Elsa? What's wrong?!" she asked, alarmed the moment she turned to look at her. "Did I hurt you?"
"I love you so much," Elsa managed to say in between sobs.
"Oh, dear…" Gerda said as she moved her chair so she could be as close to Elsa as possible. She held her injured hand in hers and tried in vain to dry her tears with the other. "It's just a silly kiss."
"You've never turned your back on me and—" She kept choking on her tears.
"Elsa. Elsa, look at me," said Gerda, caressing her shoulder, as she tried to calm her down. "Why would I turn my back on you? What kind of mother would I be?"
"My own parents didn't want me." Once again she tried to say, but she couldn't finish as another sob stopped her. She knew she wasn't making much sense. Her mother didn't know everything that had happened to her, but there was no way she could explain herself in that state. Not knowing what else to do, she wrapped her arms around the old woman and let herself cry.
The rain, as romantic as it seemed at the beginning to Anna and Kristoff, turned out to be an inconvenience the moment they tried ordering food. The downpour was not allowing the delivery people to work and so they were forced to get out of bed and drive to a restaurant if they wanted to enjoy a special meal.
For this reason, they chose to make the best of their day and changed into their best clothes – or the best they had in Kristoff's apartment – and then drove to one of their favourite restaurants. Just like he promised, Kristoff not only bought lunch for them, but also chocolate cake to celebrate their engagement.
By the time the dessert arrived, Kristoff and Anna had talked and discussed several things about their future wedding. Their families' relationship was their main concern, but they had agreed on certain things that could help them create stronger bonds between the two families. And they both agreed that Kristoff making peace with Anna's parents was the first step.
"So, it's settled," said Kristoff once the waiter left them alone to enjoy their cake. "Tonight I'll drive you home and I'll talk to your parents."
"I love you," Anna said, elated Kristoff was willing to give her parents another chance so soon. A couple of months before the idea was inconceivable, and now here they were.
"Are you talking to me or the piece of cake in front of you?"
Anna laughed but then she just continued eating in silence, instead of starting a playful fight like Kristoff intended.
"Is everything okay?" he asked. Even when he knew things were perfect between them, he couldn't help but worry. He knew things had to go perfectly well between their families before they could even phantom the idea of the perfect wedding.
"I was thinking, maybe…" Anna said, but stopped mid-sentence unsure if Kristoff would agree with her idea.
"What?"
"Maybe we should move in together?"
"What?" he repeated, unsure if Anna meant what she was saying.
"Our families will notice something's different. My mum will surely notice I'm happier than I've been in the last year," explained Anna with a grin, finding it hard to hide her happiness. She still couldn't believe they were engaged. "But as you said, I don't want to rush the wedding or force Elsa and my parents to be on good terms just for the sake of this engagement. So… what if we move in together?"
"How are those things related? Not that I don't want to live with you," he clarified as soon as he noticed Anna's unamused expression.
"Living together will allow us to start from scratch before the actual wedding, and it'll be something we can share with our families now. It'll be a perfect explanation to why we are both so happy."
"I feel ridiculous having to hide the fact that I'm engaged to the girl I love," Krisotff said, honestly. "Will your parents be okay with us living together before the wedding? I know your father is kind of—"
"I'm an adult, Kristoff," Anna interrupted him before he even dared to say his father was a traditional man. After everything they had found out about her parents, saying they were traditional and conventional was off the table. "Besides, they can't say anything about it without turning into big hypocrites."
"Well, I can't argue with that," laughed kristoff. "So… are you a hundred percent sure about this?"
"Yes!" Anna exclaimed. "Are you not?"
"I'd love to live with you," Kristoff said with an honest smile. "I never told you this, but I miss the days Elsa was living with me. You were always there by the time I got home from work. It was the best feeling in the world." He extended his hand on top of the table and caressed her knuckles gently. "However, I need to find a new apartment."
"Don't be ridiculous, Kristoff. Your apartment is perfect! Besides, I need to finish my studies. I don't have enough money to help you pay the new rent."
"Nonsense. I want you to have a place you can call your own." If they were going to start from scratch and build their own family, he wanted them to find the perfect place. And he was certain that a bachelor's apartment which smelled like Sven wasn't even close to the definition of perfect. "You need to move your desk and books too. I'll find a nice apartment with an extra room for you."
"Honey. I love you. But once again, I can't pay for it."
"I'll pay for it," Kristoff said with a smile. "You'll finish your studies first. I wouldn't forgive myself if you don't finish your studies because you need to work to share expenses."
Anna was touched by Kristoff's commitment, but all of a sudden she was feeling guilty. She had come up with the idea of living together, but not once she had intended to force Kristoff to spend more money on her. "You don't need to provide for me, Kristoff."
"I know. But I'd love to. Let's move in together, please."
"Are we really doing this?" asked Anna, not believing how fast her life was changing.
"I'll start looking for a new place tomorrow."
Kristoff's grin told her he was even more eager than she imagined, and that made her all the more excited.
During the first few months after she had adopted Elsa, Gerda had struggled with how she could comfort a child who wouldn't allow other people to stay close to her. It had been only one of the many challenges Elsa had put her through, but it was always the hardest one. To see a young girl, crying her heart out after a terrible nightmare and not being able to sit by her side and hold her tight had broken Gerda in more ways that she could count at the time.
It was only after years of hard work and dedication on her part that Elsa had learnt to trust them enough to allow herself to cry in front of Gerda and the rest of the family. But, even if she had overcome that situation, Elsa rarely hugged other people whenever she was in distress. It was clear her defence mechanism was still ingrained in her brain and she avoided human contact as much as possible.
For this reason, now that Elsa was holding her as if her life depended on it, Gerda had a hard time understanding what was going on and how to best help Elsa.
Clearly, something had affected her to the point she burst out crying. It didn't take a genius to see it was related to her birth parents, like most of her problems were lately; but still, Gerda couldn't understand what had made Elsa reach her breaking point at that moment. She was certain there was something she was missing, and she needed Elsa to calm down long enough to tell her.
The first few minutes, the only thing she did was hold Elsa close while she wept on her shoulder. It broke Gerda's heart to hear her like that, but she was not going to stop Elsa once she had finally allowed herself to cry her heart out as much as she needed. It was only when Elsa calmed down and she began breathing more or less normally, that Gerda dared speak.
Not knowing what the real problem was made it harder for her to say the right thing, but still, she tried her best. "I'm sure your parents did care. They just didn't know any better. You deserve love, just like any other person, okay?"
To her disappointment, Elsa didn't say anything that could help her see if she was saying the right thing. She just kept holding onto her.
After staying a moment in complete silence, Gerda thought it was best to simply ask Elsa what was going on. "Did something happen?"
Once again, Elsa didn't answer and it didn't sit well with Gerda. She gently pushed her, putting enough distance between them so she could see her eyes. Part of her regretted it as soon as she saw the deep sadness in them.
Reminding herself Elsa needed her to stay strong, and sometimes the only way to help her was to pressure her into talking, she repeated, "Please, Elsa… Did something happen?"
The way she averted her eyes gave Gerda the impression she was about to lie. But after a moment she looked at her again, and nodded.
"You know you can tell me anything."
"I don't know how to talk about these things."
And she knew it was true. She had always struggled with words which resulted in her keeping everything inside. But right at that moment, it was obvious Elsa needed to let go of all the sadness and resentment. And Gerda was not going to let her back down now that she was finally showing how she felt. "You've been through a lot in the last few months, dear." She gave her shoulders a gentle squeeze, trying to show her her support. "And I think you should try to talk about the way you feel. It may help you."
It was clear she wanted to talk about whatever was troubling her, but something was stopping her.
"It's just you and me, Elsa. Like that night at the hospital, do you remember?" She knew she did. It had been the first time Elsa had opened up to her. Telling her everything she had been able to at the time. It was the first time she had held Elsa in her arms — even if the little girl had struggled and asked her to stay away for her own safety. And most importantly, it was the day she'd made up her mind about adopting her.
Elsa nodded and her eyes filled with tears once again. She closed them for a few seconds before she felt brave enough to say, "Whenever I think about my life; about who I am and who I could have been, I feel this– this hole inside my chest."
"A hole?" Gerda knew exactly what she meant, but she needed Elsa to express herself. To tell her everything she could.
"An emptiness," she tried to explain. "Here." Using her good hand, she gestured right over her heart. "Sometimes I fear it'll never close. I fear I'll never be happy."
She knew Elsa suffered a lot. She knew the things she had lived had scarred her forever. But to hear her say she wasn't happy made it all more real. The only thing Gerda had ever wanted for her children was for them to be able to overcome – to some extent – their inner demons and be happy. And here was Elsa, telling her she wasn't sure she would ever be. Not for the first time in her life did Gerda wish she could take all of Elsa's suffering and endure it herself. Trying in vain to keep the sadness from her voice, she asked, "you're not happy?"
"I'm happier than I used to be, I guess," said Elsa, shrugging. "But some days are extremely harder than others."
"Is today one of those days?"
Once again, she nodded but didn't say anything.
"Why?" Gerda asked, unsure of what else to say. "Why is today any different?"
"I can't seem to do anything right lately," Elsa said after she tried to gather her thoughts. "Every time I feel I'm finally going to get my life on track, something happens and… I don't know what to do anymore."
The way she said it made Gerda get a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach. The idea of Elsa giving up one day terrified her. Part of her knew Elsa was stronger than she let on, but her inner strength – or whatever it was that had kept her going for so many years – could wear off, and then she didn't know what could happen then.
She needed to help her see things in perspective. To find some silver lining in her clouded mind. "But you've been doing so good lately. You're studying now. You're working. You're starting a business…"
"I know but—"
"Those things are important Elsa." Gerda needed her to see she was doing more than she gave herself credit for.
"But my powers are there, lurking, everywhere I go. It's the same old story, I guess." Elsa looked at her hands in disdain. "Everyday I say I won't let them control my life; but I fail, miserably, every single time. No matter what I do, it isn't enough. I try so hard — to be normal, you know?" The dejected look she gave her broke Gerda's heart. "But it isn't enough. It's never enough."
"Elsa…"
"I'm so, so tired, Gerda. Maybe I should just stop trying."
"Don't– Please, don't." She pulled her into her arms with urgency and kept her close, as if Elsa's words could make her disappear in that moment. "Don't say that. Don't even think about it."
"But I can't—" Elsa tried to explain, but Gerda wouldn't let her.
Hugging her even tighter, she said to her, "You deserve the world, sweetheart. Don't ever give up, please."
"Then what am I supposed to do?" said Elsa on the verge of tears once again. "My powers are the reason my whole life is so fucked up and no matter how hard I try, I can't control them."
Gerda didn't understand what Elsa meant when she said she couldn't control them. Only a few minutes before she had used them to help her heal her hand. In her eyes, Elsa had more control over her powers than she had ever had. But for some reason, she didn't give herself enough credit. "Yes, you can. And your powers might be a part of you, but they don't define who you are or what you can achieve." How many times Gerda had said that to Elsa? She wasn't sure. But somehow, it had never gotten into Elsa's head.
"They're the reason I struggle with the simplest tasks in life," Elsa began explaining as she put some distance between them. Tears were streaming down her face again. "They're the reason I had to endure a shitty childhood. The reason my parents thought they were better off without me…"
Gerda watched her dry her tears with her sleeve, clearly annoyed at herself for starting to cry once again. It pained her to see her that way and she wondered if she should tell Elsa to try to calm down.
"I don't resent Anna," Elsa continued, unaware of Gerda's worry. "but I can't help comparing my life to hers. She's this smart, self-assured girl and what am I? Just a dumb person who hides from the world and hopes for things to change when I know they won't."
"Elsa, I won't let you talk about yourself like that." Maybe stopping her was for the best. Elsa had already denigrated herself too much, and she couldn't help noticing the small snowflakes falling around them, a clear indicator Elsa was getting too agitated.
"Why not? It's the truth, isn't it? I can hardly live a normal life."
"It's not fair to compare yourself and your life to Anna's. Your upbringing was extremely different."
"Exactly! If only I'd been normal, my life could have been like Anna's. But I'm not. And I wasn't good enough for my parents and…" Once again she tried in vain to stop her tears. "It hurts so fucking much."
Seeing her at that moment, breaking down in front of her, made Gerda realise how important the love and acceptance of her birth parents was to Elsa. There was something inside of her that still needed their recognition, even when they had let her down in the worst kind of way. Gerda hated how unfair the whole situation was. The only thing the poor girl had done was to be born the way she was, and she wasn't given a chance to prove her worth before being left on her own. Idunn and Agdar had had the chance to raise a wonderful person like Elsa, and they had rejected that opportunity. And for what? They had told her their reasons, and they made sense to an extent; but whenever she saw Elsa suffering so much, the sympathy she could feel for them disappeared.
"I know it's not the same as if your birth parents told you this," she said, holding Elsa's hand after she tried in vain to dry her tears. "but you are, and you've always been, more than good enough to me."
Elsa's redshot eyes looked at her, unsure if she actually meant what she was saying. And Gerda hated it, because she had never doubted her before. It was clear she felt so lost and so insignificant she didn't even trust her word anymore.
"I hate the fact that the Arendelles came into your life, threatening to destroy everything you worked so hard to build," she found herself saying before she could stop herself. She was tired of pretending she didn't feel disgusted by the Arendelles' actions sometimes. "I hate that they came out of nowhere and made you so vulnerable. You're not less than Anna. You're not less than anyone one else. And I wish I could show you how much you mean to me."
She looked down and took a deep breath to calm herself down before she let her anger take the best of her. The last thing she needed was to say something about Elsa's birth parents that she could regret. But as soon as she was calmer, she continued, "I don't care if your powers make other people uncomfortable. I couldn't care less if you are not 'normal' to other people's standards. Part of me is glad you are not, because you love and you care about others like no-one does. Your powers might be a challenge most of the time, I don't deny that. But they shaped you into one of the most caring and selfless people I know. And hate that you hate yourself because of them. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you, dear."
When Gerda raised her eyes to look at Elsa once again, she was surprised to see her eyes fixed on her. For a moment, she wondered if she had done the right thing by telling Elsa everything she thought. But before Gerda could apologise for her outburst, Elsa threw her arms around her and whispered, "I don't know what I'd do without you."
"You mean the world to me. Never forget that," Gerda whispered back, as she rubbed her hand on Elsa's back comfortingly.
"I wish you were my mother," Elsa mumbled on her shoulder, caughting her by surprise.
"Elsa… I– I am your mother. We may not be related by blood but—"
"I mean from the start," Elsa said a bit louder, but still in a quavering voice. "I wish I could look back and see myself and my childhood here. You wouldn't have left me alone."
At first, she thought about telling Elsa she couldn't know that for certain. But after a second she realised it was true. There was no way she'd have left Elsa alone. "You're right. I wouldn't have," she said with conviction. "I am your mother now, though, and I promise I'll never leave you alone."
She felt Elsa nod her head against her shoulder and she smiled, knowing Elsa trusted her word. She looked up and relaxed when she noticed snow was no longer falling around them.
"Can I stay with you for a couple of days? I don't want to be alone."
Gerda nodded and hugged her tighter. Something had clearly happened to Elsa, it was the only explanation she had reached her breaking point and she was now asking to stay with them. She was really curious about it, but she saw no reason to bother Elsa with it at that moment. She'd have the chance to talk to her some other time. Right at that moment, all she cared about was her daughter's well being. "For as long as you need. Your father will be thrilled to have you around too."
Guess who's back, back again.
Leli's back. Tell a friend.
Guess who's back,
guess who's back,
guess who's back,
guess who's back. *Eminem's 'Without me' starts playing*
It's been such a long time! I'm so sorry for keeping you all waiting for so long. I'm not even sure if there are people still lurking around. But if you are, you're the best readers in the world.
I could blame life and inspiration, and a lot of things for this terribly long hiatus. But the truth is, this chapter was so incredibly hard to write! Even when I love writing Gerda and Elsa together, they are such complex characters, and so different, that I kept writing and rewriting and rewriting their dialogues. Even now, I'm not sure they have told each other everything they needed to say. But I couldn't keep you waiting anymore. I had a couple of scenes written that were originally going to be part of this chapter, but they needed some revision and honestly, I didn't want to keep you guys waiting anymore.
I really hope the wait was worth it. I hope I tackled enough things in this chapter that you guys feel the waiting wasn't in vain.
About the chapter itself, you may notice that I continue showing both sides of the story and both sides of a rainy day as a parallel between Elsa and Anna. I wanted to show how even in the smallest details, their lives are truly different.
I haven't got the next chapter ready yet. But I was able to fix a few things I wasn't sure about the following chapters, so I don't think I'll take as long as 5 months to update the new chapter. I'll work as hard as possible to deliver on time.
As always, please leave a review. Let me know if you loved or hated the chapter. Let me know if you're fed up with my long hiatuses or not. Say what so please, but let me know you're out there. It's always a pleasure to read you, guys. I truly mean it.
Read you all soon!
