Going backwards

In the early morning, Gerda woke up with a start at the sound of a door closing. Her tiredness and the darkness in the room prevented her from understanding where she was and what had happened. She had fallen asleep on a chair, that much was clear, but she couldn't remember why. Extending her arms on top of her head, she tried to get rid of the stiffness on her back. Looking around the room, realised she was in Elsa's bedroom and the memories from the previous day returned.

The noise of someone retching not far from the room surprised her, and that's when she noticed Elsa's bed was empty. With concern, she walked to the bathroom and wasn't surprised to find the door closed. The noise had stopped, but the dim light coming from under the door told her whoever had made the noise was still inside. She could hear Kai snoring softly in their bedroom, confirming her suspicions that Elsa was the one inside and she was reacting badly to the drugs given to her the previous day.

Drawing in a deep breath, she wondered what was best to do. Her instincts told her to knock and offer her daughter some help if she needed it. But deep down she knew how much Elsa loathed the sickness and lightheadedness the sleep drugs caused her. She'd surely become the target for Elsa's frustration. Usually, Gerda didn't mind. Her daughter's anger didn't last long and could easily be ignored. But this time, she was feeling rather guilty. Seeing Marshall confront Nielsen about the drugs made her realise that perhaps they had both overreacted. She had fallen asleep thinking about it, and now that she knew Elsa was yet again suffering from the side effects of the drugs, she couldn't help but regret letting Nielsen do it.

Staying next to the door, she waited for Elsa to come out. But the longer she took, the more worried Gerda became. There was no sound coming from the bathroom and with each passing second, the idea of Elsa being passed out on the cold floor became more real and alarming. Making up her mind, she knocked the door softly twice and waited for a sound.

When nothing happened, she tried again, this time calling her daughter's name. "Elsa? Can I come in?" Silence was the only answer she got, and it was more than a good enough reason for Gerda to open the door. "Dear?" she called again, making sure she gave Elsa enough time to stop her if she didn't want her inside the bathroom. "Are you okay? I heard a noise and—"

Heartache and guilt overwhelmed her when she opened the door and found Elsa sitting against the wall on the cold tile floor. Her legs were drawn up to her chest and her forehead rested on her forearm. Her controlled breathing told her Elsa was awake, and she was fighting a wave of sickness.

Gerda took a few steps closer and kneeled down. "Have you been awake for a long time?"

Elsa merely shook her head, but didn't utter a word.

"How are you feeling?" Gerda asked, even though she knew the answer perfectly well already.

Once again, Elsa only shook her head. Hoping keeping quiet would prevent her from vomiting.

"Dizzy?"

She nodded this time but still didn't dare raise her head.

"Are you in pain?" Her questions were useless, and Gerda knew it. But even if she had seen this scene many times before, it didn't mean it got any easier and she couldn't stop herself.

Finally daring to move her head, Elsa found her mother's gaze and shook her head. She then let her head rest on the wall and closed her eyes with a tired sigh.

Getting closer, Gerda held Elsa's good arm and pulled gently. "Let me help you get to bed."

"It's okay," she mumbled with her eyes still closed.

"You shouldn't stay on the floor, dear."

Elsa opened her eyes just enough to look at her. "I said it's okay."

Despite how sick she looked, Gerda noticed something akin to anger behind Elsa's narrowed eyes. And she couldn't blame her. Elsa had spent most part of the day before with a raging fever, and now she had to deal with the nausea on top of it. It made Gerda feel more and more guilt-ridden, knowing she was partly to blame for her current state.

Thinking it was best to set her priorities straight, Gerda stopped feeling bad about the things she allowed to happen the day before and focused on Elsa. Her forehead was damp and she was still hugging her legs close to her body. Clearly her temperature was rising once again, making her feel even worse than she was at that moment. Gerda moved the bangs away from Elsa's eyes and rested the palm on her forehead for a few seconds. She breathed out in relief, noticing her fever wasn't worryingly high yet. "Your temperature is rising again. We'll need to keep an eye on that."

Gerda stood up and opened the mirror cabinet, wanting to make sure she had all the medicines Elsa might need during her recovery. She checked the jars and blister-packs, and felt relieved to know the only thing missing were the antibiotics Nielsen had prescribed. She felt stupid for not buying them the night before, but with Kai and Marshall's argument, she had forgotten about them. She checked her watch and made a mental note to wake Kai up as soon as Elsa was in bed again. It was still early, but she was certain he could find a night-shift chemist somewhere.

She was still taking a few things from the cabinet when a noise at her back surprised her. When she turned, she found her daughter with her head in the toilet bowl. She hurried to her side and held her hair back. Even though Elsa's stomach seemed to be already empty, her body retched with a new wave of sickness. It took Elsa's stomach some time to settle, since every time it seemed to be coming to an end, new dry-heaves started, leaving her breathless.

"Why did you let him do it?" Elsa asked when it finally stopped and she could speak again. Even if she was still leaning on the toilet and her legs were shaking, her voice carried a strength Gerda hadn't been expecting.

"Dear, what—?" she tried to ask, but Elsa interrupted her.

"I was trying." Her good hand gripped the rim until her fingers turned white. "He had no right to–" Seeing no reason in trying to explain everything she was feeling, she simply let go of the bowl and sat on the floor once again with an exhausted sigh.

Feeling full of regret, Gerda ended up kneeling in front of her as she tried to explain their reasoning. "Your temperature was coming down and your powers were out of control. Nielsen only wanted to—"

Elsa's narrowed eyes told Gerda she wanted nothing to do with their justifications. She was tired, running a fever and fighting the sickness and dizziness of the drugs. It was more than obvious nothing she could tell her at that moment would make her feel any better. Not knowing what else to do or say, she held her good arm once again and tried to help her stand up. "Here. Let me help you get to bed."

"Just give me a moment."

"Your body is fighting an infection, sweetheart. Your temperature is rising. The bed is where you need to be right now."

"Gerda, please," Elsa demanded as she moved her arm away. "Just give me a moment."

At the mention of her name, Gerda understood it was best not to keep insisting. She stood up from the floor and quietly walked out of the bathroom, hoping it wouldn't take long for Elsa to start feeling better. At least good enough to go back to bed and rest.

Wanting to do something right for her daughter, she went to her own room and woke Kai up. She apologised for interrupting his sleep. But the truth was she didn't want to leave Elsa on her own while she tried to find a chemist.

"How is she?" He asked with a hoarse voice.

"Not so good." She sat at the edge of the bed, wringing her hands a few times. "The drugs took a toll on her this time."

"Why's that?" Sitting in the bed, he was now fully alert.

"I don't know," she said honestly. She had seen Elsa react badly to tranquilisers before. It wasn't strange as it was, but there was something she couldn't pinpoint that didn't seem right. She chose to ignore it for the time being. There was little she could do when she wasn't allowed close to Elsa at all. "I'll try to keep an eye on that."

She then made sure to tell him exactly what Elsa needed and handed him the prescription. Nielsen's handwriting wasn't terribly bad, but it was best to make sure there were no mistakes.

Kai nodded and read the piece of paper a few times, making sure he wasn't missing anything important. After a moment, Kai realised his wife was still sitting on the edge of the bed, unmoving. "What happened?"

"Hmm?"

"What happened?" he repeated, caressing her arm. "Whenever Elsa's like this you don't leave her side."

"Let's just say Nielsen and I aren't her favourite people right now," she tried to laugh at it, but the guilt of breaking Elsa's trust was still lingering in her mind.

Kai understood what she was trying to say, and didn't comment on it. He simply caressed her arm once again before he started getting ready for the day. "I'll go get the medicine. Rest for a while, I'll make sure to check on her before I leave and when I return."

"What if—"

"I'll help her with whatever she needs. And she won't go anywhere other than her room, Gerda." Kai reassured her. "Try to sleep."


The room changed colours as she tried to move in bed. The pain was familiar, though it felt so distant it didn't seem to be her own. It took a while for her to understand the agitated breathing she kept hearing was her own, and when she did, she tried to concentrate on it. She couldn't breathe, but somehow she was still breathing. It was distressing, but there wasn't much she could do to stop it other than keep trying to control it. The room changed colours once again as she tried to move again with no success. She remembered the way she felt. She couldn't remember when, but she was certain she had lived through this before. The pain. The discomfort. How clammy her skin felt and how cold she felt in spite of how hot her skin was. It wasn't normal, yet it was disturbingly familiar.

She tried to move a third time and, at that moment, she felt a tight grip on her arm and a heavy weight on her legs. Someone was trying to keep her in bed, but she couldn't see who it was. She'd lived through this. The memories weren't there but her body knew something was not right. It had been a long time ago — or maybe it hadn't. Her brain was foggy and her head too hot to think straight. She could feel her body, her powers, begging her to do something; but no matter how much she moved, she couldn't turn nor get out of bed.

The grip holding her shook her arm and that's when the fog dissipated just enough for her to understand why she couldn't move. It was a dream. A bad, awful, feverish dream. One that reminded her too much of the past. A past she had forgotten but that was slowly crawling back to torture her.

"Wake up," a voice said, too close to her for comfort. She couldn't tell if they were talking to her or not. She had to focus and fight the drowsiness if she wanted to move and answer to whoever was talking to her, but it seemed so difficult to do so at that moment.

After being shaken a second time, her body finally cooperated. Her eyes opened and she was able to look around, trying to make sense of where she was.

"You need to take your antibiotics, dear." The person said again, and that's when she recognised Gerda's voice. Sighing in relief, she allowed her muscles to relax. She closed her eyes again and enjoyed the peacefulness of being home.

The dream had shaken her to the core, and her mind was having a hard time making sense of everything she had felt. She could feel herself still shaking, though she wasn't sure if it was the cold shivers caused by her fever or the bad memories returning.

"How are you feeling?" Gerda asked, as she lay a comforting hand on her forehead. It felt good not exactly knowing what she was doing there. She could simply enjoy this short moment of blissful ignorance.

Elsa thought about answering her mother's question, but thought it was simpler to just ignore it for the time being. Her heart was still hammering in her chest and, if she took long enough to calm down, maybe then she wouldn't need to explain why she was so agitated. After a minute, when her heart had calmed down the memories returned and felt good enough for her to talk again.

"How long have I been out?" Elsa remembered sitting on the bathroom floor and going back to bed once the nausea had allowed her to stand up and walk, but she had no idea if that had been an hour ago or two days before.

"Only a couple of hours." Gerda said with a sigh.

She could hear the trembling in her mother's voice and wondered how long she had been by her side, and how worried she actually was. Feeling bad for putting Gerda through that, Elsa forced her eyes to open and found her gaze. "I'm fine," she finally said, unsure if she was trying to convince her mother or herself.

"I'm sorry I woke you up. I just wanted to make sure you took these pills," she said, shaking a small cup in front of her.

The mere thought of swallowing some pills made Elsa grimace. The fever and drugs had been making her feel extremely dizzy since the early morning, and she wasn't sure she could keep anything in. Hoping to avoid it, she tried to convince Gerda they weren't necessary. "It's just a fever."

Shaking her head, Gerda pushed the small cup closer, not buying what she was telling her. "No, it's not. It's a serious infection. You need to take them."

Elsa sat in bed as best as she could, only then noticing the heavy weight she had felt on her legs had been Olaf all along. The cat had been peacefully sleeping up until that moment, and she offered him an apologetic look. She reluctantly took the cup in her hands and looked inside. She noticed there were two pills and she sighed in disgust. Only one was enough to make her stomach turn and she couldn't stop pulling a face. "Mmh."

"I'm not going to change my mind about it." Turning around, Gerda poured some water in a glass and left it on her nightstand. She then proceeded to pick up her first-aid kit and she gently held Elsa's injured hand in hers. "Please, let me see your hand. I need to change your bandages."

Elsa allowed her to work on her bandages while she silently debated what to do. She was certain the pills wouldn't last long in her stomach, but there wasn't much she could do to convince Gerda. So, in the meanwhile, she just stared at the pills and hoped her stomach would settle for just a moment before swallowing them.

For a few minutes, the only sound in the room was Gerda's work, and Elsa wondered if she was doing it on purpose or not. Elsa wasn't sure if her mother was not talking in hopes she could pretend her daughter hadn't done something as stupid as letting her hand get infected, or she was simply waiting to be finished before she gave her a scolding of a lifetime. She watched her mother work for a few more minutes before she chose to break the ice somehow and asked her about her wound.

The old woman took her time to explain more about the infection and why they had been so worried the day before. She admitted still being worried and requested her to please tell her as soon as something felt amiss. Elsa nodded her head with a faint yes, not knowing what else to say.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Gerda finally asked, addressing the topic Elsa knew was coming. "It must have been hurting a lot."

"I didn't think it'd turn out this bad," Elsa admitted. If she had known, she wouldn't have let the infection get to the point where she ended up feeling so sick. "The pain was nothing I haven't gone through before." Drawing a shoulder, she didn't give the pain much importance, but as soon as she saw Gerda frown, Elsa realised she had said too much.

She sometimes forgot how little she had shared about her past with her family, and in times like this she felt stupid for not having revealed more. No matter how much the past hurt, it was probably easier to talk about it when she wasn't feeling as if a bus had run over her.

"There's some water on the nightstand," Gerda said, trying to ignore Elsa's comment and reminding her of the pills still waiting for her in the cup. She continued wrapping the new bandage over the wound, pretending her words hadn't affected her to some extent.

Once Gerda was satisfied with her work, she put her things away carefully and said, "I wish you'd have told me. Your hand looks awful and it's extremely dangerous to—"

"I know…" There was no point in listening to her mother's reproach. She knew she had fucked up yet again. "I'm sorry I didn't."

"I'm not scolding you," Gerda said, her eyes softer than a moment before. "I just want to know why you thought it was better to lie about it."

"I didn't want to be a burden."

"You're not a burden."

"Please, Gerda." Elsa said with a dry laugh. "All I've ever done is give you trouble. I still wonder why you put up with me."

"You're not a burden," Repeated Gerda, her serious expression leaving no place for arguments. "You've never been one."

Elsa looked at her and felt some tears welling up in her eyes. She hated how emotional she was feeling lately and made an effort to keep herself under control. It was a good thing she could pretend her eyes were glassy as a result of the fever.

"Raising you was challenging at times. I'm not going to lie about it." Gerda continued, understanding Elsa was not going to agree with her. "But I'd choose you over and over again. I thought that was clear already. You should've told me your hand was hurting. And you should've told me about the accident."

"I'm sorry I lied," Elsa said, feeling once again like the idiot Marshall had clearly stated she was.

Gerda smiled and brushed some wet bangs from her face. "I understand why you wouldn't tell Kai about it. Your father can be a handful at times." They both chuckled at Gerda's appropriate choice of words. "But why not tell me?"

Knowing there was no point in trying to deny or postpone the conversation any longer, she admitted, "I didn't want to let you down."

The pity smile her mother gave her only made her feel worse about the whole situation and she made an effort to blink a couple of tears away.

"We all make mistakes, dear."

"Not this kind of mistake. I'm sorry."

"You don't need to apologise. At least not to us."

Elsa remained silent, knowing the apologies were meant to Marshall exclusively. If she hadn't talked to him before, her mother's words would surely have done a lot more damage than intended.

"I know you're probably tired," Gerda said, still concerned about her well-being, "but I'd like to talk about this once you're feeling better. Your father and I have been worried and we just want to clear things up."

Elsa nodded, knowing it was for the best. She had been able to talk to Marshmallow, after all. Clearing things up with her parents wouldn't be as difficult, regardless of how ashamed she felt. "Can I sleep for a couple more hours first?"

"Of course," Gerda agreed, not wanting to deny her daughter the much needed rest. "But I won't let you until you take those pills. One of them will lower your fever."

Knowing she had no choice, Elsa closed her eyes and swallowed them, hoping her mother was right about them being for the best.


By the time Elsa woke up again, she was feeling only slightly better. She still felt nauseous and her head and body were still hurting, making it difficult for her to focus on anything else, but at least her temperature had temporarily gone down and she could feel her powers moving restlessly under her skin once again. It was strange how something she usually despised as much as her powers could transform into a comforting presence when she was feeling sick.

Once the soothing feeling wore off and she realised she'd need them under control to have a peaceful conversation with Kai and Gerda, she made sure to appease them. She couldn't let them manifest or bother her in any way. She wanted to keep her promise and finally talk things through with her parents, and the first right step was being the one who went out looking for them.

She made an effort and got up from bed, walking slowly out of her room. Once she was in the hallway, she realised how incredibly exhausted she was still feeling. She didn't feel steady enough to walk a long distance, so she made her way into the kitchen first. If she didn't find her parents there, at least she'd find a chair to sit on and some water to drink.

To her good luck, as soon as she entered, Gerda met her with a big smile and a helping hand that she gladly accepted. "Dear, what are you doing up? You should've called me." She noticed her unsteadiness to some extent and was quick to offer her a chair. "Are you feeling okay?"

"Yes," Elsa said, nodding her head as she tried to hide her shortness of breath. She wasn't supposed to be feeling so tired from walking such a short distance but for some reason her body wasn't cooperating.

"Are you sure you're alright?" The voice of her father startled her and she turned to find him sitting on the opposite chair. She blinked a few times, unsure why she hadn't noticed him before.

"Yes. I'm okay," she lied. Her breathing was returning to normal and her head had stopped spinning, so she thought there was no reason to worry them. "I wanted to talk to you two. I owe you an apology and an explanation."

"There's no need to talk right at this moment, dear," Gerda said with a gentle smile. She walked to the fridge, searching inside for something to offer. "What would you like to eat?"

"It's okay. I'm not hungry." She hoped her mother wouldn't think too much of it and would let this one time slip.

The sooner they could talk about the accident and everything that had happened, the sooner she could go back to bed and rest. Deep down she knew she had been neglecting herself; but no matter what, the idea of eating only made her sicker.

"You're taking strong medicines, you need to—"

"Let the girl breathe for a moment before you stuff food into her mouth. She has just woken up," Kai said, stopping Gerda from nagging her.

Elsa looked at her father with a thankful smile and felt grateful he wasn't extremely mad at her for having avoided him and leaving the house for almost two days without a word.

"I'd like to talk as well, Elsa." Kai said, understanding her silent gratitude. "Why don't you tell us everything that has been going on?"

Elsa felt awkward by suddenly becoming the centre of attention, but with a nod of her head and a trembling sigh, she began retelling everything that had happened to her since Saturday evening. The conversation extended for over half an hour, with Kai and Gerda stopping her from time to time to ask questions or better understand her decisions. She made an effort to share with them as much information as possible, but there were certain things she chose to avoid. Why she had chosen to lie to them, her insecurities about truly belonging to their family, or how she had felt her world crumbling at the mere thought of losing Marshall were the main topics she avoided. She had confided those fears to Anna on the beach, and she felt it was best to keep them between them for the time being. Another important thing she failed to mention was her encounter with Idunn on the street, and she struggled finding a reasonable explanation to what she had done that morning; but at the end, her story added up and it was all that mattered at that moment.

When she finished, Elsa noticed both her parents were still in a pensive mood, and she did nothing but wait for them to say what was in their mind.

"Did Hålkesen hurt you in any way?" The first to talk was Kai, his question getting Elsa by surprise.

"No." She said seriously, not fully understanding where he was coming from. She had been expecting a reprimand or something of the sort for having lost control. "I mean, you could say he hurt my hand with the window pane, but that's on me really. He only tried to help me as best as he could after it happened."

"Then why is there blood everywhere?"

"Blood?" She tried to remember when she had mentioned any blood for it to become her father's main concern.

"At your place," Kai clarified. "Anders and I were worried something serious had happened between you two."

"Anders?"

"We both were at your house. The day we picked Olaf up?" he asked, hoping he was being clear enough.

Elsa thought about the things she had done that night. She remembered the way her hand had kept bleeding and it gave her a logical idea where all the blood had come from. "It must be all mine. The wound kept reopening during the night and the following morning."

Gerda's face paled and she narrowed her eyes at Elsa. "You let your wound open and exposed for over twelve hours?" She didn't give her daughter time to answer before she exclaimed, "And then you let me suture your wound without telling me. What were you thinking?!"

Feeling incredibly stupid all of a sudden, Elsa looked at her injured hand and wondered how many different ways a single person could find to fuck things up. She thought the only right thing she had done was asking for Gerda's help; and even though it had seemed like a good idea, she had somehow messed that up too. "I wasn't," she admitted. "I was letting the fear control me."

"So, you are afraid of Hålkesen. Is that why you were avoiding him?" Kai asked, ignoring the conversation about her wound.

He was once again focusing on Marshall and it seemed entirely arbitrary to Elsa. "What? No." She wasn't sure if either Kai was making little to no sense or her general discomfort and headache were making things harder for her to follow. "I'm not afraid of Marshmallow."

"Then why did you run away?"

Kai was completely serious, giving Elsa the idea she was actually following the conversation as intended. But she still failed to see her father's reasoning on putting the blame on Marshall when she was the one who had hurt him.

"The idea of Marshall finding out about my powers paralysed me and I couldn't think straight. The first thing that came to mind was running away." The more she talked about it, the more she realised she could've avoided all the pain and heartache if only she had trusted Marshall from the very beginning. "It was stupid but, I guess, I just wanted to delay the inevitable."

"Inevitable?" Kai asked, unsure of what she meant.

"Marshall leaving," she confessed, not daring to meet his or Gerda's eyes. "Too afraid of who I am to even give me a second chance."

"He seemed really understanding of your powers yesterday." Gerda interrupted, drawing the attention away from Kai's main concern, and Elsa couldn't hide the smile that drew on her face at her mother's observation.

"He didn't give up on me." After showing him her powers, Elsa had started seeing her argument with Marshall in a different light. His over understanding and fascination with her powers had meant more to Elsa than she could put into words. "Turns out he wasn't afraid of my powers like I thought. He even asked me to show him what I could do."

Wishing to lighten the mood in the house, Gerda playfully said, "No wonder you like him so much."

This made Elsa's face turn a deeper shade of red, and nothing had to do with her fever. She had learnt to take in and accept Anna's mockery, But one thing was for Anna to make jokes about it, another completely different was for Gerda to put her in the spotlight like that.

"And did you?" Kai asked, not at all preoccupied with his wife's teasing. If he was honest, he didn't like the idea of Elsa choosing to spend her time with someone like Hålkesen. Not even as a joke. She had endured too much to walk into more trouble so young.

"Yes," she said, still avoiding their inquisitive looks. "He was mesmerised by the snow. It was terrifying… but it felt right. I don't know how to explain it."

Whenever Elsa or Gerda talked about the mountaineer, Kai felt alien to the situation and he couldn't help feeling between a rock and a hard place. They painted a picture that didn't resemble the man he had met — or read about in the police report —, and it made him worry even more about the possibility of him changing his demeanour as he saw fit. But, at the same time, he couldn't ignore Elsa's feelings altogether either. His daughter rarely allowed herself the pleasure of living a normal life, and no matter how much he disliked the idea, Marshall was the closest thing she had experienced to a normal relationship. Even her relationship with Anna, as her sister-in-law, had been tarnished to some extent by her biological parents. Both girls had overcome their hardships, but their friendship couldn't be considered normal anymore. "You trust him?" he asked, hoping Elsa would answer with conviction, making things easier for him. He needed a real reason to start believing Hålkesen was not mean-spirited.

"He's my friend."

"That wasn't the question."

"Kai," Gerda warned, knowing there was something her husband was keeping to himself. His conversation with their daughter was steadily becoming an interrogation and it was the last thing Elsa needed.

"Yes, I trust him," Elsa said, her tone of voice showing her father she truly meant it.

The family fell silent for a while, and Elsa welcomed the much needed rest. The sudden silence was a gift she wished could stretch for as long as possible, but she knew it was a matter of time until one of her parents spoke again. No matter how glad she was about finally talking things with them, she was still feeling drained. Her headache was becoming steadily more unbearable and being in a seated position didn't seem to help. And as expected, Kai was the one who spoke first.

"You understand this can't keep happening, Elsa, don't you?"

She tried to make sense of what he was exactly talking about, but didn't get a chance to ask that he spoke again.

"You exposed your powers twice in the last six months."

"She was under a stressful situation," Gerda said, trying to justify her mistakes. Part of Elsa was glad her mother still had her back, but she couldn't help agreeing with Kai. She couldn't keep messing up.

"She still needs to find a way to keep her powers in check. Running away won't solve her problems next time." Kai turned to look at his wife, not giving Elsa the time to explain or say anything in her defence — not like there was anything worth saying. "The wrong people finding out about her powers could be dangerous.

Crossing her arms and glaring at her husband, Gerda said, "I wish I could rip your head off sometimes."

"People may react violently or– or tell other people."

"I know," Elsa murmured, massaging her forehead, hoping they didn't start arguing about something she already knew.

"She was only lucky this time." Kai kept talking, ignoring her. "It's a good thing it was in front of someone she already knew and who somehow turned out to be understanding."

"I know." Elsa repeated. With her eyes closed, she couldn't see her parents but something told her they hadn't even turned to look at her when she spoke.

"What would have happened if—?"

"You can't keep thinking about what ifs. Why don't you—?" Gerda interrupted Kai, but she couldn't finish her idea since Elsa stopped her as well.

"I know," she said louder, forcing Kai and Gerda to finally pay attention to what she was trying to say. "Keeping them in check is the only thing I think about sometimes. I know it shouldn't be this hard. But it is, all right?" She was now looking at Kia straight in the eye and tried to ignore the pulsing pain behind her eyes.

"We understand, Elsa," Gerda said, trying to offer her daughter some comfort.

Gerda's pity eyes as she spoke made something snap inside of Elsa. She turned to her mother and said, "No, you don't. You have no idea what it feels like. And you have no idea how hard I've been trying." Deep down she knew it wasn't their fault either, but she was tired of pretending her family could understand her hardships. "Nielsen has no idea how hard I've been trying. I don't think Kristoff fully understands that either."

She took advantage of their silence and, turning to her father once again, she continued, "I wish I could just choose not to use my powers, but I can't. I'm sorry I wanted to find a way to fix my shit on my own for once. I didn't want to let you down, but it seems as if it's the only thing I do. So, yes, Kai, I fucking understand this can't keep happening, but I can't seem to be able to do anything about it. I'm sorry."

Finally realising the pain behind her words, Kai extended his arm and held Elsa's hand in his. "You don't let me down. I only want to make sure you're safe. I just want to protect you from the wrong people. Who knows what Hålkesen would have done in a different situation."

The sweet gesture and comfort was short-lived when she heard him blaming Marshall for things he hadn't even done. Pulling her hand away from his, she said with narrowed eyes. "Marshall finding out is the only good thing that came out of this. He's not the wrong people."

Knowing nothing good would come from the argument that was about to erupt, Gerda stood up. "Okay. All right. Let's not argue about this." She walked until she was standing behind Elsa and hugged her. "Your father is just being overprotective. He was worried about you these last few days. We both were. We are just glad you're okay and things have finally been cleared up."

Closing her eyes, Elsa allowed herself to enjoy the much needed comfort Gerda was offering and rested the back of her head on her shoulder. "I'm sorry I lied. I'm sorry I couldn't keep my powers under control."

"I already told you, you don't need to apologise to us." Gerda tightened her hold. "Even if it doesn't look like it, we do understand, dear. Or at least we try."

At that moment, Kai understood Gerda's effort to divert the attention and stop their argument before it turned into something more serious. Seeing Elsa resting her head on her mother's shoulder told more to him than Elsa had said since she woke up. It only took one glance to know she was trying her best to keep talking and not going back to bed. It was best if he left his worries for another time, at least he was certain Hålkesen was not going to talk, his daughter was on good terms with him already, and she was home with them again. "I'm glad you're okay, Elsa. And I'm glad we could talk. Your mother is right, I just worry too much about you and Kristoff sometimes. I'll let you rest now that things are clear."

Elsa opened her eyes and nodded. The relief in her eyes didn't go unnoticed by her parents.

"Let me know if you need anything," Kai said and then excused himself, leaving both women in the kitchen on their own.

"Maybe you could try to eat something, dear."

Gerda's suggestion seemed logical, but still the idea of eating didn't seem appealing. "Just tea," Elsa said, hoping it would be good enough to please her mother. "I'm not really hungry."

The older woman thought about it for a moment and then let go of Elsa. She began heating some water without complaining. "How are you feeling?" she asked, as she looked for the tea bags.

"Not back to normal yet." Elsa knew she wasn't going to fool her mother with that, but she saw no reason in worrying her. "But I can feel my powers tickling under my skin once again, so that's good."

Gerda's silence told Elsa her mother was not fully trusting her word, and she couldn't blame her. After a couple of minutes in silence, Elsa dared speak again about something that was still lingering in her mind, "Marshall is not a bad person." It wasn't a question, yet it lacked the assertiveness she would have liked.

"I don't think so, no. He's a sweet man." Gerda answered with a smile, still working on the counter. "Your father was just worried, ignore him when he's like that."

"I didn't get a chance to thank him yesterday."

"I did it on your behalf."

It took Gerda a few more minutes to complete her task, and when she did, she placed a tray with some tea and brunost on the table. She then sat on the opposite chair and said, "He stayed for a while after Nielsen left."

The food in front of Elsa looked good enough, even if the smell of the toast made her stomach turn once again. Forcing her body to obey, she decided it was best to try and eat something, no matter how hard it was. Deep down she knew she wouldn't last long if she kept denying her body something to eat. Adding some sugar to her tea, she asked, "He stayed?"

Gerda smiled and nodded. "He was worried about you. That reminds me, he made me promise you'd call him as soon as you felt better. Please do."

Elsa nodded and took a short sip from the cup and sighed. The warm drink felt good, even if her stomach wasn't entirely happy with her idea. Hoping the nausea would let her finish it, she took another sip.

"I don't know what's really going on between you two," Gerda said as she watched her attentively. "But I'm glad you could talk about your powers with him."

Leaving the cup on the tray, Elsa breathed out. "I still feel guilty about the accident though. I burnt his arm."

"I'm sure he has forgiven you already," her mother reassured her. "Besides, he hurt your hand first. You two are even."

"He didn't do it on purpose."

"You neither."

Elsa stayed silent, thinking about Gerda's reasoning. Not once had she put the blame on Marshall and, perhaps, Marshall had never put the blame on her as well.

"Drink your tea and try to eat, please. At least one toast." She stood up and gave her daughter a short kiss on her forehead. "Let me know if you need anything," she said as she was walking out of the kitchen.

"Could you—" Elsa tried to ask, but stopped unsure of what to do.

"What?"

Thinking it was best to dare do it, she made up her mind and said, "... bring me the phone, perhaps?"

Gerda smiled at her and nodded. "I'll be back in a second."


This chapter came out sooner than I thought, and I'm quite glad about it! I'm also happy how it turned out all things considered. Though I have to admit I cut a few scenes and moved others to the following chapter. My original idea was going to leave you guys on a huge cliffhanger and I couldn't do that to you, guys! So, I thought it was best to postpone the whole cliffhanger thing and write everything in the same chapter so that you wouldn't suffer a cliffhanger. For that reason, this only covers part of what I actually planned for the original chapter 44.