a/n: just a reminder that this is an "after" chapter, so it's not consecutive with the last chapter, but it does show how kate and rick are handling the aftermath.


No other holiday made Kate Beckett feel more nostalgic than Thanksgiving. It was probably because her birthday always fell so close to the day that as a kid, it felt like the huge meal at the end of the week was for her. As an adult, those feelings of happy nostalgia were further cemented by the souring of Christmas and the New Year falling so close to her mother's death. This year's Thanksgiving was bound to receive the same fate as the end-of-year holidays, since it truly felt like there was little to be thankful for. Still, she was determined to enjoy her favorite holiday, and reluctantly told her family that she and Rick would host as they had every year they'd been together. With the turkey thawing, and the dinner a mere 24-hours away, all that was left to do (besides the cooking, of course) was pull the table decorations and fine china from storage.

"Here's all the ingredients I forgot to get when I was at the store yesterday," Rick announces as he walks into the loft, still a bit chilled from the frigid outdoors.

November weather was always unpredictable, but this year more than ever. After weeks of unseasonably warm weather, the temperatures dropped overnight one day and never looked back. So New York was experiencing lows in the negatives that the city usually only saw in January or February, the coldest months of the year. Knowing her husband was braving the cold, and the grocery store the day before Thanksgiving, Kate got the fireplace roaring and hot cocoa boiling on the stovetop. She'd also carried up the storage bins they needed to complete the final touches on the fall-themed holiday decor.

"And you got real cinnamon sticks this time?" Kate asks.

Rick lets out the biggest, most defeated sigh she'd ever seen. "No." He grabs his coat as if he was about to head out again, but Kate stops him before he does.

"Babe, don't worry about it," she chuckles. "The powder works just fine."

As he takes his coat off for good this time, Kate hands him a fresh cup of hot cocoa, the mug overflowing with mini marshmallows. "Thought this might warm you up." Rick smiles widely as he takes the cup and gently blows on it to get it to safe drinking temperature. The steam from the drink feeling like heaven on his frozen skin.

"Sorry about the cinnamon stick," he says as they take a seat by the fireplace. "The grocery store was a hellscape."

"It's fine, Rick, really," Kate smiles. "Are you excited for tomorrow?"

"Honestly?" Rick sighs. "I could take it or leave it. But I do enjoy stuffing myself so full I feel sick, so I'm sure I'll feel differently tomorrow."

"Yeah," Kate agrees. "Certainly doesn't have the hopeful holiday feel it usually does, does it?"

The eery silence answered her question. Six months ago, they had a very different idea of what the holiday would look like for them. Their first Thanksgiving with Ruby, and either a new born, or Kate days away from delivering their little miracle. Instead, the house was quiet, empty, barren. But Kate had plans to change that.

"When your hands are thawed enough, can you help me with the decorations? I got the bins from storage while you were gone."

"Of course," he agrees unconvincingly.

A few moments later, Kate had gotten up to unpack the bin with the fancy tablecloth, place settings, center piece, and cutlery. After a short time she had the table assembled immaculately, but she noticed her husband was standing over the second bin, staring.

"What is it, babe?" she asks when she sees the look of pure grief on Rick's face. He doesn't say anything, but Kate sees what he's holding in his hand.

Oh. That.

She stands behind him and gently kneads her fingers into his back muscles the way she knew calmed him down, dancing on her tiptoes to balance her chin over his shoulder.

"We don't have to decorate if you don't want to," she says kindly.

"No, it's..."

"I know."

That's when the flood gates opened. Kate guides Rick to take a seat on the couch as he sobs. She runs circles into his back to soothe him, but it takes a while before he finds composure again.

"Sorry," he sniffs. "It's just..."

"It's okay, babe," Kate says. "No need to apologize."

"I forgot this was in here," Rick says.

"I didn't even realize we still had it," Kate adds.

"Yeah, I held onto it, cuz, uh, I thought we'd use it someday," Rick sniffs. "Cuz, you know, my family dresses up for Thanksgiving."

He's sobbing again, and Kate is tearing up a little bit, too. But when she looks down at the turkey onesie, she smiles a bit.

"We will use it someday," Kate insists. "You know, we probably wouldn't have been able to use it this year anyway."

"No?"

"It would be too big for a newborn," Kate says. "Plus, they probably wouldn't have even been born yet."

"You don't think so?" Rick asks.

"No," Kate nods. "Cuz your kid would never actually be on time. They'd wait until the last possible second."

Rick chuckles. Kate was probably right. Their baby would be a huge procrastinator just like their dad.

"Well, I'm sure it would have nothing to do with my genes. It would be because their mommy made such a nice home for them they wouldn't want to leave," Rick says sweetly.

Kate smiles giddily before gently landing a kiss on Rick's lips. "You're a very sweet man. Maybe we should put that outfit with the other baby stuff in the closet upstairs. Just so it doesn't catch us off guard again?"

"Yeah, that's a good idea," Rick agrees. "I'm really sorry for being such an emotional wreck this week."

"Babe, I basically shutdown for two weeks straight last month. I think you're allowed to be sad about what happened every once in a while. Actually, that's allowed to be sad every single day if that's how you're feeling."

"I guess I'm just trying not to lose it," he sighs. "I want to be here for you when you need me."

"Oh, babe," Kate frowns. "I'm okay, now. And I'm getting a little better every day, because of you, because of how kind you are, how caring, how strong you are. But it's not fair to you to not feel what you need to feel. Rick, I know that you'll always be here when I need you, and I hope, now, you can feel that way about me, too. I'm not going to shut down or shut you out, so, lose it, Rick. If you need to, it's okay to lose it."

"I really didn't know if you were ever going to get out of that bed ever again," Rick croaks.

"I know, and I'm so sorry, babe," Kate cries. "It wasn't fair to you. It's okay to be mad at me for what I did."

"No, Kate, I'm not mad at you. I'm just sad all the time and I just can't seem to get past that feeling...that...you know what? I am mad, actually. I'm furious!" He yells. "I'm so fucking furious!"

"And that's perfectly valid, babe," Kate says encouragingly.

"Yes, but it's fucking useless!" He shouts. "Cursing the universe for...for kicking us when we're down. It doesn't get us anywhere."

"Your feelings don't always have to be productive. You're allowed to grieve, you're allowed to ruminate," Kate says. "It's okay to feel fucked over."

"I just don't want to feel that way," Castle sighs.

"I know, I know, trust me," Kate says. "But if you never let yourself feel how you really feel, you won't be able to move past them."

"You're right, as usual," Castle says, slumping down onto the couch.

"Hey, this isn't a grief competition," Kate tells him as she sits down beside him and rests her head against his shoulder. She reaches for his hand and pulls it toward her lips. "We're in this together. We'll get through this together."

"It gets better, right? Like, eventually?" Rick asks.

"Yes, it does. Eventually," Kate says. "But it never really goes away, not completely."

"How do you get through it?" Castle wonders.

"Well, uh, you find someone that makes the hard days worth it," Kate brings his hand to her lips and plants a careful kiss.

Rick leans over and kisses Kate's head. "You're amazing, you know?"

Kate smiles as she throws one of her legs around Rick waist so that she's straddling his lap. She takes his face in her hands and pulls him into a deep, earth-shattering kiss. As their tongues cross paths, she pulls away and whispers. "Do you want to..." she breathes, "...help me finish decorating?"

Rick breath hitches before he bursts out laughing and collapses his head into Kate's chest. "You are such a damn tease sometimes," he chuckles.

"Not a tease if I fully plan on following through," Kate sighs with a raised brow. "After we finish decorating for tomorrow."

"Oh, well," Rick says. He picks Kate up and jumps to his feet. "Then we should get to decorating!"

Kate laughs as Rick sets her down. "We really don't have to decorate if you don't want to. We don't even have to do anything tomorrow if you don't want to. We can cancel. They'll understand."

"No, no, I don't want to cancel. It's just, today's a hard day," he admits. "But you make it worth it."

"Good," Kate smiles. "You make it worth it, too."

The next day, both Kate and Rick were in cooking mode by mid-morning. With the turkey in the oven, several side dishes ready to go, and the football game about to kickoff, all that was missing was the warm embrace of their extended family. That void was filled at t-30 minutes to turkey time with the arrival of the other members of the Castle clan. As they gathered around the table and shared in the home-cooked meal, what Kate and Rick realized about grief is that they're not just allowed to have bad days; they're allowed to have good days, too.