GOSSIP
All Might discreetly made his way to Izuku's side, an impressive feat given his massive frame and eye-catching hero costume, and whispered in his ear, "I brought bento. Would you mind joining me for lunch?"
"You want me to eat lunch with you, All Might?" Izuku asked loudly enough for not only Class 1-A, but half the cafeteria to hear him.
All Might winced under the weight of the sudden attention. "I thought I would offer, since I think you could use a little advice on how to effectively use your Quirk without causing millions of dollars in property damage."
Izuku nodded. "I see. You're using the excuse of bento as an opportunity to discuss [REDACTED] in a private location where no one can overhear us and find out about the secret you're trying to hide."
All Might's grin became tight, fighting back a grimace as buckets of sweat poured down his face. "My fighting techniques are hardly secret, Midoriya."
"Really? Then I have permission to discuss [REDACTED] with other people?"
"Uh, well, it might not be a good idea. After all, other people might hurt themselves trying to pull off what I do. Imagine if someone tried a Carolina Smash on a brick wall and broke their wrist?"
"I see. Then perhaps I could tell Kirishima? His Quirk should prevent such injuries."
"W-why don't we discuss that in private?"
Bakugo tried to follow them out, but Kirishima held him back. "Bro, it's not manly to try to eavesdrop on their conversation."
"Piss off, the fate of humanity is at stake!"
"They're having steak! Dude, I'm so jealous. Do you think Lunch Rush would make some if I asked? All that protein would make for some mad gains."
Todoroki, meanwhile, rolled out a massive cork board with grainy photos, wrinkled news clippings, and webs of string thumb-tacked all over the place.
"And that's why," Todoroki told his gob-smacked audience, "Izuku Midoriya is secretly All Might's time-traveling gender-swapped clone from an alternate dimension ravaged by nuclear fallout and sentient Furbies."
"Wait, aren't they both dudes?"
"The dimension-crossing swapped his gender back, while the time travel undid the damage from the radiation," Todoroki explained as he pointed a breadstick at an advertisement for foot cream. "That's why he's obsessed with cancer. He's also part-Furby from falling into a vat of irradiated acid while grappling one. Hence, the sawblades."
Meanwhile, Mina had rounded up her fellow feminine classmates for their own discussion. "They're totally having an affair," Mina said.
Jirou cringed. "Eww, he's forty. Way too old."
"That's what makes it so tragic!" Hagakure insisted. "Two soul-mates, torn asunder by time and society's expectations, risking it all for love."
"Mon dieu!" Aoyama said, flipping his hair with a shower of shimmering sparkles. "The drama! The intrigue! The homoeroticism! It reminds me of Paris!"
"I don't know," Ochako said. "Kaminari told me that Izuku and Hatsume from 1-F were totally a thing."
Hagakure gasped. "That cheating bastard! I'm totally putting this on Tumblr."
499
All Might invites Izuku to lunch. Chaos ensues.
