BOND
"Any last words, Deku? Such as where to find the mainframe directing your invasion force?"
Bakugo stroked a fluffy white cat as a powerful laser crept steadily closer to Izuku's head.
"Yes. This laser is highly inefficient. A faulty wire is causing a twenty-eight percent reduction in its output."
"Silence! You will tell me how to stop the invasion or I'll turn you into scrap metal!"
"What invasion?"
"So you won't talk? Die then."
The laser crept into Izuku's hair. It sliced downwards, crossing his forehead, then between his eyes. All the while, Bakugo grew redder and redder. "What the heck? Why isn't it working?"
"Your laser is working perfectly fine, aside from the power inefficiencies and light diffusion. You really should get some new lenses for it."
"Enough! Guess we'll have to do this the old fashioned way." Bakugo blasted the laser aside and brought over a giant circular saw. "Behold your doom! There's no way you'll survive this!"
Bakugo fired up the sawblade. It sliced through the table, but the moment it reached Izuku's scalp, it ground to a halt. It quivered as the pressure grew until the steel shattered.
"I should've known better than to trust a machine to destroy a machine. Good thing I had a more organic solution prepared."
Bakugo hoisted Izuku up by a rope over a pool of water. Sharks snapped eagerly in the giant glass tank below him. "Tell me the invasion plans, or you're sleeping with the fishes!"
"I suppose sharks are technically a kind of fish, but-"
Bakugo dropped the rope. Izuku hit the water with a giant splash, and the sharks darted at him. The water turned crimson. Bakugo leaned excitedly and watched the frothing water darken.
"Yes! Finally! I have beaten the machine!"
"Beaten what machine?" Izuku asked.
Bakugo turned around. Izuku stood, dripping wet and staring blankly at him. Bakugo looked back at the water and saw the sharks thrashing around, all their teeth missing. Broken teeth and bits of gnawed rope floated to the surface.
"I guess if you want' something right, you ought to do it yourself!" Bakugo slammed a baseball bat into Izuku's kneecap. The bat split in two.
"I hope you weren't using that professionally. Corks are against the rules."
Bakugo swung a bat studded with nails. Then an axe. A katana bent itself against Izuku's body, and a spear flattened into a disc. Eventually, Bakugo cast his weapons aside and raised his fists.
"Mano a mano, how God intended mankind to live."
"I was not aware that you were of the Catholic faith. Updating your personal profile."
Bakugo swung a fist. The blast sent Izuku flying through walls and off a cliff. Bakugo stared down the mountain, triumphant, marking the spot where Izuku lay shattered at the bottom, when a loud blaring alarm played overhead.
"Robot invasion!" Bakugo shouted as he crushed his alarm clock. He glared at the broken machine and said, "That's what you get, robot."
496
The name is Midoriya. Izuku Midoriya. And I like my martinis shaken, with a splash of rocket fuel, served in the shaker so I can eat that too.
