Chapter 39 – Late Night Phone Call (short)
"I would love to see them." Nathan said. "And maybe play them. I have never been able to own anything more than a basic acoustic guitar. I have played several electric and acoustic guitars that belonged to other people when I was going to rodeos more. There was usually a gathering of people that would lead to several people taking turns playing and singing.
Jack grinned and nodded at Nathan, knowing that if he liked the guitars in their hands he would love his vintage ones. Jack also realized what he was going to get Nathan as a bonus. He knew that Nathan was being paid well, but Jack wanted to do something special for Nathan because he saw him as more of a friend.
After quickly tuning both guitars, they started playing some of the songs they had played the night before. After about a half an hour, Gran excused herself, she was tired. The interrupted sleep had caught up with her. James only stayed about another twenty minutes after Gran left. Charlotte lasted a half hour past that. Tommy stayed out with Jack, Nathan and Elizabeth until they headed in after putting the guitars away and making sure that the fire was out. Jack walked Elizabeth to her bedroom door.
"Don't feel bad if you need to wake me tonight." Jack said. "For anything."
"Okay." Elizabeth said. "I still feel bad."
"We told you it is fine." Nathan said. "Wake us if you need. Otherwise, see you at breakfast."
"Night." Elizabeth said.
After saying goodnight, Elizabeth changed and pulled out her journal. She hadn't written the night before and she knew that she needed to. She took a moment to say a quiet prayer before opening her journal and pouring out all the feelings that she had about Jack, his family and everything that was going on with her family. She still wasn't feeling better, so she grabbed her phone, looked up a number and hesitated for a moment before hitting the call.
("Hello." The tired voice said.)
"I am sorry to call so late." Elizabeth said. "I shouldn't have called. I can tell that I woke you. This was a mistake. I will let you go back to bed."
("No." The voice said. "I said to call anytime. What is going on? Everything okay?")
"Thank you, Katie." Elizabeth said. "I didn't know who else to call."
("Okay." Katie said. "I am in the other room. So what is going on?")
"I am so confused." Elizabeth said. "One minute I am crying and the next there is an army of butterflies taking flight in my stomach. I know I have feelings for Jack, but I also liked it when Nathan gave me a hug earlier. I got lost in my own head when he said my name differently. I don't think that it is a good idea that I am here."
("Whoa." Katie said. "Slow down. Tell me everything that happened, starting with meeting Nathan.")
Elizabeth quickly went through everything that had happened the last forty-eight hours.
("Okay." Katie said. "I have some questions. First, how do you feel around Jack.")
Elizabeth hesitated.
("I promise what you tell me is between us." Katie said.)
"Okay." Elizabeth said. "I can't think straight if I even get a whiff of his scent. When he touches my arm, it feels like electricity. When he cupped my cheek and wiped my tears in Church today I froze because it was such an intimate thing to do. All I wanted to do was lean forward and kiss him. Again at the park when we were talking. Like I said, it feels like an army of butterflies in my stomach any time he is near. I had to walk away when we were playing in the pool today. It is not the first time that I had to walk away from Jack because I was overwhelmed with feelings."
("Okay." Katie said. "Now tell me what you feel around Nathan.")
Once again Elizabeth hesitated.
"I liked the way he said my name." Elizabeth said. "I liked when he gave me a hug and I noticed his scent."
("Try to tell me what you were feeling when Nathan gave you a hug." Katie said. "I am going to assume you gave him permission.")
"Yes." Elizabeth said. "I gave him permission. When I was in Nathan's arms, I felt safe. Different then when Jack has his arm around me. He let me cry, he stroked my hair and rubbed my back in an effort to calm me down. He didn't get mad that I was crying on him. I don't know, I mean if I didn't love Jack so much I could maybe see myself with Nathan, but honestly I don't feel what I feel for Jack."
("Okay." Katie said. "You were crying and upset. Why did you let Nathan hug you? Why didn't you go to Jack? I am going to assume that Jack was there.")
"Nathan asked and yes Jack was there." Elizabeth said. "Nathan said I looked like I could use a hug from a friend. Why didn't I go to Jack? It is hard enough taking my time and not pushing boundaries with Jack. I think if he would have been the one holding me, I wouldn't have held back and I would have kissed him, especially after having the vision of us married while sitting in Church today. I will admit that many of my thoughts of Jack the last few days haven't been so innocent and pure and I am struggling with everything that I am feeling."
("So you didn't go to Jack because you are struggling with your feelings for him." Katie said.)
"Yes." Elizabeth said. "I know he loves me and I love him, but we have only known each other for a few days. We agreed that it is too soon to do anything."
("Okay." Katie said. "Tell me more about Nathan. You said you could maybe see yourself with him, but it is different then Jack.")
"I think maybe if I had met Nathan first." Elizabeth said. "There could have been something, but at this point I think of him more as a big brother."
("Hmmm." Katie said. "Could that maybe be why you felt safe in his arms?)
"Maybe." Elizabeth said.
("So tell me more about what was going on at the pool?" Katie asked.)
"I honestly don't know." Elizabeth said. "We were having a good time. Goofing around. I was watching both Jack and Nathan swimming around. It was hard to sit there and watch Jack in those tight board shorts and no shirt. I had a hard time taking my eyes off him. I was sitting on the edge of the pool, suddenly I got a funny feeling in my stomach and I felt hot. I had to walk away and into the shade. Gran said it was hormones."
("And she was right." Katie said. "It is normal for a young woman to react to an attractive young male, whether you have feelings for him or not. Of course if you like the person, the feelings are even stronger. I honestly don't know a young woman that wouldn't react to watching two young men in a pool. I mean I know that Jack has well defined muscles from working out and riding. I am also assuming that Nathan is well built as well if he is working security. I know the shorts that Jack was probably wearing and I remember being a young woman your age.")
"Oh." Elizabeth said. "I think I understand. I mean I understand the biological differences between boys and girls. But why am I so confused?"
("I don't mean to embarrass you." Katie said. "But did your mother or anyone talk to you about what happens when you like a boy?")
"Not really." Elizabeth said. "My mother always assumed that I was busy with the boys as she called it and forced me to have a birth control implant when I turned thirteen. I had it until I had it removed earlier this spring. Except for one quick mistake with a boy at camp, I have never done anything with boys. If I am being honest, I didn't spend a lot of time with many boys, especially after my parents started pushing Charlie on me. I didn't like him and didn't want to create problems by looking at other boys. Between them pushing Charlie on me and my mother telling me that there was only one thing that boys wanted and it was my job to protect myself. She also stressed that she didn't want to be a grandmother anytime soon and that if I was getting busy she didn't want to know about it. She also told me that they would kick me out if I ever got pregnant. I guess it was always just easier to avoid the boys and any feelings associated with them. When I ran to Jack, it was the first time that I remember actually feeling anything for a boy."
("Okay." Katie said. "That explains a lot. What you are feeling is perfectly normal. Normally when a girl is going through puberty, she experiences things – like the feelings that you have described. I remember being fourteen/fifteen years old and watching the football team practice. I felt those same tingly feelings, I thought that there was something wrong with me. When I talked to my mother she told me that it was normal and it was a chemical reaction in the body. It is what you do with those feelings where people get in trouble.")
"Gran said something similar." Elizabeth said. "At least about acting on those feelings. So I shouldn't worry about noticing a guy?"
("No." Katie said. "Hell, I am thirty-two, almost thirty-three and I still notice a good looking guy. That doesn't mean that I am attracted to him or that I would do anything about it. I am happily married to Chris and I wouldn't trade him for the world. But noticing someone who is good looking or has a nice body is natural. I once heard it put – thoughts aren't actions and you can't be convicted of anything on thoughts alone. Does that make sense?")
"Yes it does." Elizabeth said. "I guess I always tried to avoid those feelings because I thought something was wrong with me. The way that my mother talked to me, she made it sound like it was evil for what I was feeling and that it was wrong to show off my body and attract the attention of boys, especially as she got more involved with certain churches. The way that my mother shut down any conversation about boys, it only reinforced the negative things I was feeling."
("I am very sorry that was your experience." Katie said. "Sex in the context of marriage is a wonderful thing. I agree that there are too many young people who think physical desire is love. It is only one aspect of love. Love is holding someone when they are upset. Love is making sure that the other person is happy and safe before you are either. Love is getting your girl chocolates because it is that time of the month. Love is leaving a note in your guy's lunch box. Love is staying up all night with the other person because they don't feel good. Love is making his favorite meal even though you have worked all day and are tired.
Don't get me wrong, the physical expressions of love are pretty good as well, but they aren't everything. Trust me when I say that they mean so much more when you are with the person that you are meant to be with. I slept with a couple of guys in high school and Chris has admitted that he slept with a few girls before we met. We both have dealt with those things as it has created issues. We have learned that when we slept with someone, they took something from each of us that wasn't theirs to have. We have also realized that what we, Chris and I, have is so much more than a quick gratification of a physical desire. What we have is an everlasting connection, a bond that goes much deeper than the physical.
Again, don't get me wrong, the physical is great, but it isn't everything. Physical desire can fade. A true lasting, loving bond will be there forever. During the times that we have had to put a hold on our physical expressions of love, have honestly grown our relationship more than anything. When I was pregnant with our daughter, I spent the last three months on total bed rest. We couldn't be physically intimate, but that doesn't mean we didn't share intimacy. We talked and held each other. Do you understand what I am saying?")
"Yes." Elizabeth said. "It is normal for me to notice Nathan and his good looks, but what I feel for him is different then what I feel for Jack. Just because I notice someone is good looking, doesn't mean that I am attracted to the person. The connection that I have with Jack is special even beyond anything physical that we might experience later."
("Exactly." Katie said. "I know that Jack will be a gentleman and not push, but you also need to be a lady and not tease him. I don't like that word, but it is the best I can come up with. What I mean is, I am sure that Jack is struggling with his feelings just as much as you are. He will walk away and not act on them. He might even talk to Doug or Lee, maybe even Nathan. I am sorry that I got you the bikinis, I pushed a boundary and I am sorry about that. I will find a couple of one pieces and send with Mr Thornton. The bikini is part of what I mean by teasing Jack.")
"I understand." Elizabeth said. "Gran already had that conversation with me. There was one that Melissa or Emily had left that I wore. I get what you are saying. So don't do anything intentionally or unintentionally to offer something that I am not in a position to give."
("Exactly." Katie said. "I don't want you to be self-conscious, but you need to be aware of the signals that you are giving. If you need, you can talk to me again. I am sure that Gran would be willing to talk to you as well. Also think that Abigail would be willing to talk to you. I know that she is close with Jack. Her and her husband are family friends. Are you feeling better? Do you think that you can get some sleep?")
"Yes." Elizabeth said. "Thank you and I am sorry about calling so late."
("No problem." Katie said. "I said you can call. I am just glad that you feel comfortable talking to me. Don't be embarrassed and I am sure that you can talk to Gran if you really need to. Goodnight. I will talk to you again.")
"Goodnight." Elizabeth said.
Elizabeth hung up the phone and looked at the time. She felt better after she was able to process her thoughts. She took a deep breath and slowly let it out before she put the journal on the nightstand. She snuggled under the blanket and promptly fell asleep.
