Chapter 77 – Absolution

"Nathan." Father Mark said. "Please sit back down. I get you are worked up, but the pacing is making me dizzy."

"Sorry." Nathan said.

Nathan came and sat back down by Father Mark.

"Now tell me why you are so worked up." Father Mark said.

"I am afraid what is going to happen if Tommy acts up again." Nathan said.

"I know that it is going to be hard." Father Mark said. "But I would suggest that you stay out of it. Your job is to protect Jack and Elizabeth from my understanding. Unless Tommy poses an immediate threat to them or physically to anyone else, stay out of it. Step back and take a deep breath. Thomas and Charlotte shouldn't put you in that position. I will tell them as much."

"Should I apologize to Tommy?" Nathan asked.

"Normally." Father Mark said. "I would suggest that you do that. But in this case and knowing Tommy, I think that you shouldn't. He will see it as backing down and he will push even harder, making things worse. He will be out to get a reaction from you."

"Okay." Nathan said softly.

"Nathan." Father Mark said. "Please look at me."

Nathan lifted his eyes to meet Father Mark's.

"I want you to listen to what I am going to say very carefully." Father Mark said.

Nathan nodded.

"You are not responsible for disciplining Tommy." Father Mark said. "You didn't cross the line and you are a good person."

Nathan nodded again.

"I feel that there is something else." Father Mark said. "I know that we have talked about a lot of things and we will talk again, but there is something, else isn't there?"

Nathan looked at Father Mark and then looked away. He got up and walked over to one of the windows. Nathan wanted to pace, but he knew that Father Mark had already said something about that. Father Mark offered a quick prayer before getting up and going to stand next to Nathan.

"Nothing you tell me is going to change the way I view you." Father Mark said. "I am not going to repeat what you tell me, but you need to get it out. So please tell me what has you so worked up. I know that it will help to talk about. You will get no judgment from me."

Nathan let out a little laugh.

"I am not the guy everyone thinks I am." Nathan said softly.

"Why do you say that?" Father Mark asked.

"Because." Nathan said, dropping his head to his hands.

"Because why?" Father Mark said.

"Because I hit back!" Nathan finally snapped.

"So you hit your father." Father Mark said.

Nathan nodded.

"Tell me about it." Father Mark said.

Nathan blew out a harsh breath.

"It was the last time I saw him." Nathan said. "He was screaming at me about something and I started yelling back. He pushed me and I hit him, knocking him to the ground. When he tried to get up, I hit him again. I think I broke his nose."

"When was this?" Father Mark asked.

"A couple years ago." Nathan said.

"He didn't report you?" Father Mark asked.

"Nope." Nathan said. "He figured no one would believe him and I am sure he thought I would say what he did to me if he did say something to someone. More than hitting him, it was what I yelled at him that bothers me the most."

"What did you say?" Father Mark asked.

Nathan walked away, plopped down on the couch and covered his face with his hands. He was ashamed to say it out loud. He had regretted saying it ever since he said it, but he never told anyone. He tried to forget it and until Tommy pushed him earlier, he had been doing a really good job of pretending it never happened. Father Mark walked back over and sat on the couch with Nathan.

"Nathan." Father Mark said softly. "I meant it when there is nothing you can say that will change the way I see you. There is also nothing that you can tell me that will shock me. I know that you don't want to say it, but I also know that you need to say it and get it out or you will never feel better. Please trust me. I promise that you can't shock me. I also know that you will feel better if you tell someone, so it might as well be me. You said you are Catholic, so you know that I can't say anything to anyone and I won't, ever."

Nathan took a couple deep breaths. Still leaning back on the couch, Nathan spoke.

"I told him I hated him and I hoped that he would just die and go to hell." Nathan said. "I am sure that I threw in a few more colorful words, but that is the gist of what I said."

"You were angry." Father Mark said.

"I was more than angry." Nathan said. "I wanted to kill him with my own hands."

"But you didn't." Father Mark said.

"But I wanted to." Nathan said.

"And thoughts aren't actions." Father Mark said. "You can't be convicted based on thoughts."

"Doesn't really make me feel better." Nathan said.

"Have you ever gone to confession about these things?" Father Mark asked.

Nathan just looked at him and shook his head.

"I thought so." Father Mark said. "How has your relationship with God been?"

"Struggling." Nathan said. "I try, but I don't know. I pray and try to do the right thing, but God feels so far away at times."

"Faith is not about feelings." Father Mark said. "There are even times that I don't feel God's presence, but that doesn't mean that He isn't there for me or you."

Nathan just looked at Father Mark like he could believe what he was saying.

"What?" Father Mark said. "You think that just because I am a priest that I don't struggle at times. I will tell you that all humans struggle with faith from time to time. It is what you do when you are struggling that matters."

"I suppose." Nathan said.

Father Mark got up and walked over to one of the book shelves. He pulled out two books and thumbed through the one, marked a few pages and then looked again. He pulled a third book and brought all three over to the couch.

"I want you to have these." Father Mark said, handing two books to Nathan.

"Are you sure that it is okay?" Nathan asked.

"Absolutely." Father Mark said. "I put them in here and technically they are mine, so I can give them away. I will replace them if Gran asks."

"Okay." Nathan said.

Nathan looked at the two books that Father Mark handed him. One was a small leather bound book that looked a little older. It was called Companion on Life's Journey. The other book was a Catholic Bible.

"I have a Bible." Nathan said.

"Is it here?" Father Mark asked.

"No." Nathan said.

"Then you can use this one while you are here." Father Mark said. "Feel free to take it with you. Underline, mark verses that mean something to you. Use it."

Nathan looked at Father Mark like he had two heads.

"Bibles are meant to be used." Father Mark said. "You should see mine that I keep on my desk. It has underlining, highlighting and notes in the margins. I know that some people don't agree with marking a Bible, but you should see some of the priests and monks that taught at seminary. They have highlighting, notes, writing and other notes stuck in it."

"What is this smaller book?" Nathan asked.

"It has prayers and readings in it." Father Mark said.

Father Mark took the book and opened to one of the pages he had marked with the attached ribbons.

"This is a section with daily prayers." Father Mark said. "A morning prayer and an evening prayer. You use the same ones week after week. I want you to do it every day for two weeks. If you want a different book, one that has several different prayers for each day of the year, I will get that for you, but this is a start. It will help. This is one of the first things we start as theology students. Once we are proficient at these, we move on to the Liturgy of the Hours or Divine Office. It is one of the few things we are required to do as priests. Anyone can pray the Divine Office, but we are required to. If you want I can teach you."

"Let's start here." Nathan said.

"There are also some other prayers in the book." Father Mark said. "I also have some Bible verses that I want you to read. I will give you the specific verse, but I would like you to read the entire chapter that they are in. It is good to read the context of the verse. There is no time limit on the reading. I go back to these five time and time again."

"Okay." Nathan said.

Father Mark got up, went over to a drawer and pulled out some paper and a pen. He also grabbed a candle and matches off one of the shelves. What Nathan didn't see was that Father Mark also grabbed a little bottle of Holy Water that he kept in the library to use when needed. He set the candle down and lit it. He also set the small bottle on the table. He then quickly wrote the Bible verses on the paper and handed it to Nathan. The verses that Father Mark had written were Romans 15:5, John 16:33, Psalms 121:1-2, Joshua 1:9 and Isaiah 12:2. Nathan looked at the verses and then tucked the paper into the Bible.

"Thank you." Nathan said.

"Good." Father Mark said. "Now I want to pray with you."

"I would like that." Nathan said.

Father Mark picked up the other book he had brought over which was a book of blessings. He found the page that he was looking for and marked it.

"Are you ready?" Father Mark asked.

"Yes." Nathan said.

"Then let us pray." Father Mark said. "In the name of the Father, and the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen."

Nathan made the sign of the cross as Father Mark spoke.

"Amen." Nathan said.

"I want to start with a reading." Father Mark said. "This is from Matthew 10: 28-33

Do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul; rather fear him who can destroy both body and soul in hell. Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground without your Father's will. But even the hairs on your head are all numbered. Fear not, therefore, you are of more value than many sparrows. So everyone who acknowledges me before men, I also will acknowledge before my Father in Heaven, but whoever denies me before men, I also will deny before my Father who is in Heaven."

Father Mark paused and looked at Nathan.

"Do you know why I chose that one?" Father Mark asked.

"No." Nathan said.

"Because it was Jesus speaking to the disciples." Father Mark said. "I believe it was His way of telling them that no matter what happened if they remained in Him that he would stay with them and bring them to the Father. Do you understand?"

"Yes." Nathan said.

Father Mark laid his right hand on Nathan's head and Nathan moved to kneel in front of Father Mark. Once Nathan was situated. Father Mark whispered to Nathan and when Nathan nodded that he understood, Father Mark continued.

"Lord God." Father Mark prayed. "Your own Son was delivered into the hands of the wicked, yet He prayed for His persecutors and overcome hatred with the blood of the cross. Relieve the suffering of Nathan; grant him peace of mind and a renewed faith in Your protection and care. Protect us all from the violence of others, keep us safe from the weapons of hate, and restore to us tranquility and peace. We ask this through Christ our Lord. Amen." (*1)

"Amen." Nathan said.

Father Mark picked up the Holy Water and sprinkled a little of it on Nathan.

"And because you gave your confession." Father Mark said, placing his hand back on Nathan's head. "God, the Father of mercies, through the death and resurrection of His Son has reconciled the world to Himself and sent the Holy Spirit among us for the forgiveness of sins; though the ministry of the Church may God give you pardon and peace, and I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen." (*2)

Nathan made the sign of the cross

"Amen." Nathan said.

Nathan sat back on the couch.

"Thank you." Nathan said.

"Not a problem." Father Mark said. "I will check in with you again soon, but I will be around if you want to talk more about anything and I mean anything. What you share with others is completely up to you. I won't say anything."

"Thank you very much." Nathan said.

"Run your books downstairs." Father Mark said. "Then join me in eating the meal that I know that Gran saved for us."

"Thank you again." Nathan said

He offered his hand and Father Mark shook it. Nathan quickly went downstairs. He put his books on his bed and then went to wash his face. Nathan needed a moment to compose himself before he joined everyone else. As much as Nathan wanted to stay downstairs and be alone, he knew that he was expected to be upstairs to eat the supper that was saved for them.

The family finished their supper with a little more conversation. There was a tension at the table and it was caused by Charlotte. Neither James or Gran were happy with the way that she was treating Elizabeth. Gran decided to try again to lighten the mood.

"I talked to Abigail today." Gran said. "She said that they might try and come over for the bonfire tomorrow. It might just be Bill and Peter, depending on Cody. Otherwise she said she would see everyone on Sunday, unless I need help before that."

"What is up with Cody?" Jack asked.

"Just being almost three years old and not wanting to nap anymore." Gran said.

"I remember those days." Charlotte said.

Jack was tempted to roll his eyes, but didn't. He just reached over and squeezed Elizabeth's hand.

"Oh, yes." James said. "For all the attention that two year olds get for being a terror, I honestly think that three year olds could be worse. At least ours were."

Gran smiled and shook her head. Jack, Doug, Lee and Elizabeth started clearing the table and putting the food away.

"Do you want us to leave anything out for Father Mark and Nathan?" Jack asked.

"No." Gran said. "I have their plates. If they want more, I can heat it up."

The adults were sitting around having coffee while Tommy reluctantly rinsed the dishes and put them in the dishwasher as the others put things away and cleared the table. When he was done, he plopped back down in his spot, crossing his arms again. It didn't take long for the table to be cleared and things to be put away.

"Let's sit for a bit." James said. "We will have dessert in a bit."

About that time, Nathan was just coming from upstairs as Father Mark was carrying the tray of their stuff back to the kitchen. Gran saw them enter the kitchen.

"Sit, sit." Gran said. "I will get your plates."

"Thank you." Nathan whispered as he walked by.

(*1 – Blessing of a victim of crime from the Shorter Book of Blessings)

(*2 – Google search, public domain. The words used in Absolution.)