Inner Peace

Chapter I

Kill My Memory

WARNINGS: SLASH, QUIANI, ANAKIN/QUI-GON JINN, AU, YOUNGER MAN/OLDER MAN, SAD ENDING, OOC MOMENTS, ANAKIN IS NOT A CHILD IN THIS, HE IS OLDER, AND ITS IN AN AU WHERE QUI-GON SURVIVED THE PHANTOM MENACE, POSSIBLE TOXIC BEHAVIOUR. DON'T LIKE, DON'T READ.

CATEGORY: Star Wars

Pairing(s): Qui-Gon Jinn/Anakin Skywalker

Genre(s): Romance, Hurt/Comfort, Angst

DISCLAIMER: The chapter title is the same as the title of the song by Citizen Soldier. I do not own it, or Star Wars and the characters in this (or any of my) fic, all rights go to their owners.

AN: Hi everyone! This is my first fic for this rarepair that I absolutely love! I want to apologise first, though, because this turned out very differently to how I expected it. It was supposed to be a one-shot, but it's turned into a two-shot of sorts, and the ending to this chapter is quite sad when it wasn't planned to be. I have to apologise for the OOC moments in this (Of which there are many, I think), and for it being kinda poorly written (it's my first time for writing this pairing, so I had to try and figure out how I wanted to write them). Btw, it is worth noting that this is set in an AU where Qui-Gon survived The Phantom Menace, Anakin is much older and an adult, and is being trained under Qui-Gon Jinn as his Master. Nevertheless, I hope you enjoy this fic. Constructive criticism is always welcome but must be phrased politely. Thank you!

Anakin was sat in his room, on his bed, attempting to meditate peacefully. He tried so hard to clear his mind of thought, of those memories of the past that still haunted him – but he never could; not completely, at least, anyway. He remembered the nightmares he'd had of his mother dying, and the way he'd felt when he'd gotten his hands on the Tusken Raiders that had committed the vicious act. What he did felt so… invigorating at the time, necessary, even. But then he felt the come down, and the guilt that accompanied it. He'd sensed Master Qui-Gon Jinn's anguish, and pain that the younger Jedi had done such a thing. In fact, he sensed Master Qui-Gon… about to knock on his door in just a few moments. *Knock* *Knock* *Knock*, Anakin heard, pulling him right out of his meditative state as his eyelids shot open.

"Come in, Master Qui-Gon," he called. The door slid upwards, and Qui-Gon stepped inside, with a rather serious look on his face.

"Sorry to interrupt, Padawan Skywalker, but I sensed a disturbance within you. Is everything alright?" the Jedi Master wondered. Anakin sighed remorsefully.

"I was trying to meditate…" he revealed. Qui-Gon's expression remained unchanged.

"Was there a problem?" he asked, not getting what Anakin was attempting to make out. "May I?" he requested to sit on the bed next to him with a gesturing hand. Anakin nodded, and Qui-Gon gently plonked himself down to his right side.

"No. Not really," Anakin said. Qui-Gon's eyes narrowed suspiciously – he could tell when the man was fibbing. Anakin exhaled again, preparing himself to explain what was going on. "It's just… no matter how much I try to, I can't achieve complete inner peace. I can't get into the right headspace. And, whenever I get close to doing so, something in the back of my mind always comes along to spoil it," he said. Qui-Gon looked contemplative.

"These things that stop you from getting into the right mindset – can I ask what they are?" the older Jedi queried.

"They're just… memories, I suppose," the padawan told him. "And fears," he then added.

"Fears?" Qui questioned.

"Yeah…"

"What are these fears of?" Qui continued. Anakin paused for a second, finding the right words for what he wanted to say in his head.
"That night, when I lost my mother…" he stuttered, attempting to hold back a few tears that were filling his eyes, "… it instilled something in me. Something that has made me forever afraid of losing other people that I l-" he stopped, worrying about confessing the fact that he had secret attachments to a Jedi Master. "-that I'm close to…" he amended. Qui-Gon saw right through his quick rectification, knowing what Anakin had really meant to say. The younger man sensed this straight away.

"Anakin… you know that-"

"That attachment isn't allowed?! Yeah, I've heard that one before, thanks…" he snapped, taking the other aback. His tone instantly softened. "Sorry, Master…" he apologised. Qui-Gon put a hand on Ani's shoulder.

"It is alright, padawan. I understand your difficulties, I promise." He offered a comforting smile, and Anakin cocked his head up to look at him, surprised.

"Really?" he said, the shock evident in his voice.

"Mhmm," Qui-Gon confided. "Yes… I know all too well that following the Jedi Code is not always an easy thing to do. But there is a reason it exists." Anakin considered what he was saying.

"You were attached to someone?" he asked, still quite unable to get over that fact easily.

"No – however, I was in danger of becoming attached. I… still am…" Qui murmured mysteriously. Anakin was curious to know who Qui was talking about, but he didn't pry; though he secretly hoped it was himself.

Anakin didn't know when his little crush on the Jedi Master had begun, although he theorised that it was the day he realised Qui-Gon saved him. It was a few months ago, and, in fact, he remembered he'd been trying to meditate just like he was now. He'd gotten lost in his thoughts about the bittersweet time when Qui-Gon had rescued him from the clutches of Watto, and it was only then that he recognised he'd been saved by him. Saved from a life of misery doing Watto's bidding. It was the closest he'd ever come to achieving inner peace. But on the flip side of the credit chip, the thoughts of how he may have joined his poor mother in her atrocious fate had he not been rescued had started to torment him, and so, inner peace had slipped out of his grasp once more.

"So… how do you get through it, Master?" Anakin asked. This time it was Qui-Gon's turn to sigh.

"How? Well… I just…" it was a good question, one that he himself had never actually thought of an answer to. "I just… do," he stated. "I get on with day-to-day life. I get on with my duties as a Jedi, and, as part of that, I simply have to ignore my… unwanted feelings towards other people," he claimed.

"But what if you can't, Master?" Anakin said. "What if those feelings get in the way of being a Jedi?" Qui-Gon considered his next sentence carefully.

"There's no such thing as can't, padawan Skywalker. You mustn't let feelings cloud your judgement. Ever…" he said bluntly, though there was a slight tremble to his voice.

"Can I tell you something, Master?" Anakin said. Qui-Gon didn't really respond, so Anakin took this as a 'yes'. "I have lots of feelings for… well, certain people, and I suspect it might be distorting my ability to think like a Jedi," he confessed, choosing to just come right out and say it. Qui-Gon wasn't exactly stunned by this revelation, given the topic they'd been discussing.

"I see…" he mumbled, putting a hand to his chin, and rubbing it thoughtfully. "Would it be right for me to presume that your inability to meditate properly is related to the fear of losing these people?" he then suggested. Anakin nodded warily.

"Yes, Master," he muttered regretfully, before looking down at his feet. The older gentleman sensed a change in Anakin's mood – he was still nervous about Qui-Gon finding out something, even though he'd already revealed his problem. Then, as he placed his other hand on Anakin's head and patted it, he felt it: a jolt of excitement in the younger man's heart as soon as Qui's fingers contacted his hair. And at that moment, Anakin knew he'd let Qui-Gon sense his emotions, causing him to reflexively jitter back for a moment.

"Oh… Anakin…" Qui said, suppressing a childish smile.

"Master… I'm so sorry…" was all Anakin could utter.

But Qui-Gon didn't reply how Anakin expected him to. Instead, he responded with a relieving, "No. Don't be, padawan." The smile Qui had held back suddenly was beginning to come out of its hiding place. Qui then moved his left arm from the younger man's shoulder to his leg. Anakin's eyes lit up with complete surprise – happy surprise albeit, but surprise, nonetheless. He started to beam with joy.

"Really?!" he exclaimed. Qui nodded, but then he realised what he was doing. He quickly snatched his hand away from Anakin's leg, retracting it back and turning away rapidly. 'Oh, Force. What am I doing?' Qui scolded himself. Anakin's look changed from over the moon to hurt in seconds, and Qui sensed his disappointment.

"Padawan, you know this cannot happen," Qui stated.

"But I…" Ani stuttered.

"No. I… I am very sorry, Anakin. I shouldn't have done what I just did there. It was very unethical of me, and I should come clean to the Jedi Council at once," Qui-Gon said. Anakin started to shake his head.

"No, please, Master!" he begged, but Qui had already gotten up and was about to leave. Anakin didn't want him to, though – and so, he wasn't going to let him. He leapt off the bed and caught up to him. "Master, wait!" he shouted.

"No, Anakin. I am going to request your immediate transfer to be taught under another Jedi Master," Qui revealed. Anakin stopped. He was losing him. The tears almost came rushing out – he didn't want to think about a life without Qui-Gon. The older master opened the door, but before he could leave the room, it slammed shut again. Anakin had pushed it down with the Force.

"Anakin, what are you doing?" Qui asked.

"I don't want you to leave. Please…" the padawan mumbled quietly.

"I don't want to have to do this, Anakin. But what I did was wrong," Qui-Gon explained.

"But I liked it! I like… you…" Anakin claimed.

"I… I like you too, Anakin…" Qui-Gon replied, feeling childish again in his response. "But it cannot happen. Ever," he said bluntly. And with that, he opened the door again and barged out of the room, leaving a heartbroken Anakin Skywalker in tears.

AN: Yeah, sorry for that ending (if it made an impact lol. It did on me, though). Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed.