Susan Alone
-Part 1-
It was a mundane thing, the trains and their rails. You rode them day after day, over and over again, for work or pleasure or just to be somewhere in a timely manner. You never once thought about how destructive they could be if one little thing went wrong. You never thought about how quickly the train could become big heaps of scrapped metal, and how its passengers could become corpses on their way to the next life, if there even was such a thing as a life after death.
And so it was that Susan Pevensie found herself at the station on this wretched afternoon.
It was a truly horrific affair, being called to that train wreckage and being forced to look closely at several mutilated corpses and call them by name. She hated this task, and it was nearly impossible to complete behind a never-ending flow of tears that only served to stain her makeup. And of course, there was a great deal of sniffling and shaky gasps and even violent shuddering from time to time. But the authorities needed someone to identify the bodies, and being the sole surviving member of her family, the task simply fell to her.
There were plenty of other families at the station, having been called to identify their loved ones as well. Because of this, Susan was hardly alone, and yet she had never felt more isolated in her entire life. At least most of them had someone there to comfort them and share in their grief. A spouse, a sibling, a grandparent.
But Susan was alone.
The funeral took place a few days later. At this point, Susan was still trying to process her grief, but in order to do that, she would first have to process what had even happened. Her whole family had been taken from her in a horrible, violent accident. And yet she almost couldn't believe it. It was too terrible to be true.
And so she just looked on, feeling hollow and empty as casket after casket descended into the earth. Mother, father, brother, brother, sister, cousin, and a few family friends to boot. Susan wondered, what was she even supposed to be thinking at a time like this? She wasn't sure, and so she simply thought nothing.
Her Aunt Alberta and Uncle Harold were there as well, and naturally they were all tears, for they had lost their one and only son. Amidst her conflicted emotions, Susan almost found this behavior to be odd for a couple that she had always believed to be rather stonehearted. Still, she felt sorry for them, and she felt even worse for herself. She pondered how she was ever going to survive this tragic sendoff to the loved ones that she had cherished all her life. Even now, she could feel the dam within her threatening to burst.
But it was the days that followed that were truly hell.
Susan inherited all of her parents' and siblings' possessions, including the home in which she had been born and raised. She tried to settle in as best she could, but it was no longer the warm, welcoming place of safety that she had once known. It now felt cold, desolate, and haunted, and she soon found it hard to sleep through the nights. Everywhere she looked, she was painfully reminded of her family. Things were still casually strewn about the house, including clothes and unopened mail and books that were marked midway through, never to be completed. Her mother's apron still rested in the kitchen. Edmund's sport equipment still sat in a messy pile in one corner. Her father's work documents were still scattered on his desk.
If you didn't know any better, it almost seemed like the happy family still lived here. But this thought just tortured Susan all the more.
Susan spent many a day locked up inside, weeping and trying to come to terms with what had passed, and more importantly, figuring out what she ought to do next. She knew that she couldn't go on mourning forever. She had university to attend to, and friends to catch up with, and errands to run. But it was very difficult to do this. For every time that Susan stepped outside to accomplish something, even a task as simple as running to buy groceries, she would soon find herself bursting into tears as soon as she walked back through the front door.
There was no longer anyone here to welcome her home. She was alone.
One evening, a friend of Susan's came to visit her. Her name was Margaret, and she enjoyed donning stylish dresses and going to fancy parties, just as Susan had up until the terrible train accident that had robbed her of her joy. Margaret did her best to be comforting and sympathetic to Susan, but she was honestly rather poor at it, and somehow Susan just ended up feeling all the more miserable in her presence.
"Say, Susan, why don't you get dolled up and we can attend that party tonight? You've been invited, you know," Margaret reminded her.
But Susan just frowned and shook her head. She wasn't sure why, but she almost felt like her stomach had lurched at the thought. "I don't know. I'm not sure that I feel so well."
Margaret just flashed a frown of her own, one that was honestly more disappointed rather than sympathetic. "Come on, Susan. It might make you feel better. Take your mind off of things."
Feeling pressured and conflicted, Susan soon sighed and agreed. Margaret rushed her up to her vanity and assisted in applying her makeup and lipstick and made sure that Susan donned a wonderful dress that would complement her own before rushing her out the door.
"This really will do you some good," Margaret insisted with a smirk. "Get some fresh air, meet some new faces, strike some new fancies…"
Susan wanted to believe her, and tried to be confident, but that evening ended up being a horrid affair. She could hardly find the courage to talk to anyone, and as the night dragged on, she could feel the atmosphere growing hot and hazy. It didn't help that the room reeked of excessive makeup and alcohol, and the stench soon became so overwhelming that Susan felt incredibly nauseous. Things came to a climax when she eventually retched on the floor, right in the middle of the room. Needless to say, the host of that party never saw fit to invite Susan to another.
The rest of that night felt like a blur. Someone must have ran Susan home, presumably Margaret, for the next thing she knew she was lying on her couch beneath a blanket, still fully dressed and wearing her face paints. She soon got up and washed that mask off of her face. She then stared at herself in the mirror for a long time before her lip quivered and she began to weep. Eventually, she returned to bed and cried herself to sleep that night.
As the weeks passed, Susan stopped spending time with her friends. Or perhaps they had stopped spending time with her. She wasn't sure which way the connections ran. If her friends had chosen to abandon her, she supposed that she couldn't blame them. She had only grown more despondent as the weeks and months ticked away. And even though she was lonely, they weren't the type of company that she cared to see very much.
The only people she wanted to see were her family.
But that was an impossibility. A dream. Her family had died and left her behind in this cruel and lonely world. They had moved on to somewhere else. A place beyond her reach. She asked herself again and again why this had happened. If there was a God, as her siblings and parents had wholeheartedly believed, then why had He done this? Why had He cursed Susan to such a miserable existence?
Her dreams. A place of pure imagination, and yet somehow, a place of serenity and clarity as well. On the nights where Susan was actually able to get a full night's sleep, she soon began to experience odd visions. It was like scenes of a time long past. Another lifetime before her current one. They only came in glimpses, but Susan still witnessed many wonderful things within them. A lush forest. A shining sea. A magnificent castle. And it was in witnessing these wonderful things that Susan felt her broken heart grow lighter, if only by a little bit.
But one night there came a dream that was more vivid and familiar than all those that preceded it. Even as she watched it play out, she knew exactly where it was going. Susan and her three siblings stood in a wooded area at night, accompanied by a man who was strangely short and hairy. But she hardly paid him any mind, for she was focused on the discussion between herself and her siblings. A discussion that was only growing more heated by the moment.
Lucy had awoken them all and insisted that they follow the great and wonderful lion known as Aslan, even though nobody but her could see him. Susan had rolled her eyes and chastised her sister, thinking the young girl far too playful and imaginative for her own good. And worse yet, she was even involving others in her games! In the middle of the night, no less!
Lucy eventually declared that she must follow the invisible lion, even if no one chose to accompany her, and Susan was very quick to speak out against this plan. Didn't the girl realize that they were all too tired to go chasing some dream in the dark forest? But the others buckled and claimed that there wouldn't be any peace until they trusted Lucy and gave her a chance. And Susan just couldn't accept this. Things quickly came to a head when she made a bitter declaration of her own.
"Suppose I started behaving like Lucy," she said. "I might threaten to stay here whether the rest of you went on or not. I jolly well think I shall."
From what Susan recalled, the others had convinced her to come along for the time being, although she did it begrudgingly. However, this is where her dream started to diverge from distant memory. Instead of arguing with her, her siblings all just cast Susan a deep and disappointed frown. They then turned and walked away, leaving Susan alone in that awfully dark forest.
It was around this point that Susan woke with a start, panting and sweating as she was freed from the nightmare. She then took a moment to frantically glance around the dark corners of her room. She stopped once she realized that this was reality, and that her siblings truly had left her all alone, just as she had wanted.
And so she wept.
The next morning, Susan spent a long time staring down at a plate of breakfast that she had prepared for herself. As expected, there was far too much food for her to consume. She was used to making meals for an entire family, and it seemed that this was a habit that was hard to break. Susan had also been eating less and less these days. It seemed that somewhere in her grief, her appetite had begun to shrivel up.
As she picked at her food, Susan couldn't stop thinking about that dream from the night before, in which her siblings had abandoned her in that dark forest. It was a terrible feeling, but she almost felt like ought to cherish it, for it was the only meaningful contact that she had with her family since the day they died.
That's not to say that this was all she thought about. Before long, memories of her final days with her siblings began to surface in her mind. She thought first of Lucy, her kind and lovely younger sister who had always been such a good friend to her.
"Susan!" Lucy had shouted, walking into their shared room while clutching a book to her chest. Susan was in the middle of staring into her mirror and applying a fresh coat of makeup. So great was her focus that she didn't even bother to answer her sister when she had called her.
"Susan…" Lucy repeated, this time almost indignantly.
Susan simply released an inaudible sigh before turning to face the growing girl. "Yes, Lu?"
Now having Susan's full attention, Lucy's face brightened. "Our church has just started up a new women's Bible study. All of the girls our age have been invited. Would you care to join me? It should be a jolly good time!"
Susan just frowned a bit. "When?"
"They're going to be hosting it at the church every Wednesday evening."
At this, Susan shrugged and shook her head. "No can do, Lucy. I have a party that I'm attending that evening."
Lucy's beautiful smile faltered. "I thought you were attending that tonight?"
"I have one tonight and then another on Wednesday. That's just how these social events go. You attend one and the invitations just start rolling in."
"Oh…Well perhaps another time then?"
"I'll think about it."
Susan then turned back to her mirror and focused on her own reflection. When Lucy inevitably flashed a crestfallen expression, she pretended not to notice.
Next, Susan thought of Edmund, her younger brother, and someone who had somehow looked after her just as much as she looked after him. Being the two middle children in their family, they had always shared a bit of a special bond that the others lacked.
One day, when Susan was sitting in the family room on the sofa, Edmund came and sat next to her. The two of them were currently the only ones at home, and she had a feeling that he wouldn't have been doing this otherwise.
"What's gotten into you lately, Su?" he asked out of the blue. It wasn't harsh or accusatory, but rather an expression of genuine concern.
Naturally, Susan just shrugged him off, trying to focus on the paper she was reading. "Whatever do you mean?"
Edmund frowned. "You've hardly been spending time with us these days. Have you grown sick of us or what?"
Susan lowered her paper, only to give her brother a skeptical look. "Don't be silly, Ed. I'm not ignoring any of you. I've just got so many things to attend to. I'm sure you understand."
But Edmund wasn't having any of it. "No, I don't understand. Please explain it to me."
"Well, I have so many friends who desire my time…"
"You mean those people who always dress up and go to parties where they gossip about whoever isn't there?"
Susan scowled at this. "No, that's not how it is at all." Although, secretly, she couldn't deny that there was some truth in his words. A truth that she did not care to admit aloud.
Edmund eventually sighed. "Can you explain it to me then? What's so important about those parties anyway?"
Susan could tell that her brother was trying to be patient with her. However, it seemed that if anyone lacked patience, it was herself. "You just wouldn't understand," she insisted in her most grown-up voice.
And with that, she shut the conversation down by returning to her paper.
Last but not least came Peter, and Susan's memories of him were particularly painful. As it turned out, Susan had shared a rather heated argument with him on the morning before the train accident.
"Susan, I'm begging you," Peter had said in a tired voice. "Would you please just come with us?"
Susan sighed, turning away from her mirror just long enough to give him a glare. "To where, exactly?"
"Haven't you been listening? I've got this awful feeling, Su. We all do. We think that Narnia truly needs us."
"Narnia!" she had scoffed. "Are you still playing those childish games?"
Peter just stared at her with a grave expression, almost looking betrayed. "Susan, don't you remember?"
"Remember what?" she snapped. And before he even had time to answer, she continued. "Look, if you don't actually need me for something, then would you just leave me be? I have many things to attend to today."
Peter shook his head and went to plead with her one last time. "Susan, please. Just come with us. I promise you won't regret it."
"Oh, enough Peter," Susan said as she crossed her arms. "It's all well and good if you and Edmund and Lucy want to go out and play your games, but I'll be staying right here and making something of myself. And that's final."
Peter looked as if he still had more to say, but he could sense the finality in her tone. He soon realized that there was honestly nothing left to be said. She could not be convinced. His shoulders sagged a bit as he turned and walked away. He found Edmund and Lucy standing in the doorway, having apparently heard the whole thing. They both looked to their eldest sibling, as if silently asking for some kind of hope, but Peter just gave a solemn shake of his head.
"Come on, we have to go and meet the Professor and the others."
Lucy went to speak up. "But-"
"She isn't coming," Peter declared with as much finality as Susan had.
Susan just frowned and rolled her eyes a bit. She knew that they were upset with her decision, but she also knew that they'd get over it soon enough. As the three of them departed, she called out one last time.
"I'll see you again once you stop playing those ridiculous games and come home!"
And that was the last thing that Susan had ever said to them.
Susan placed a hand over her mouth as she choked back a sob. She could hardly accept that that had been her final encounter with her loved ones. That she had insulted them by calling them childish and ridiculous, all while they looked disappointed and betrayed. If only she had known that the three of them would never come home. If only she had known that she would never see them again. Speak to them again. Laugh or smile or have fun with them again.
They were gone.
With a quick shake of her head, Susan rose to her feet and began to gather her things. She needed to see them again. Or at least what was left.
Susan made her way down to the graveyard where her family had been buried. After a silent and lonely walk, she made it to the large gravestone that marked their resting place. In big bold letters, it read simply Peter Pevensie, Edmund Pevensie, Lucy Pevensie, as well as their dates of life and death.
She took a moment to lay three white flowers down in front of the stone, one for each of them. She had brought enough for her parents and cousin and family friends as well, but she insisted on visiting her siblings first. Again, the memories of their final days surfaced in her mind.
It was strange, Susan thought. Of the four of them, she had always been one of the more mature, responsible ones. There were times where she had even been scolded for being too motherly to them. Too caring and too uptight. And yet, it seemed that in recent years, they had all been the ones looking after her. Inviting her to events and sitting down and talking to her and constantly asking if she was doing okay.
But what had Susan done with all their kindness and concern? She had simply discarded it, thinking herself and her hobbies above it all. She had even insisted on making something of herself. Well, months had passed, and she had certainly made something of herself all right. A fool. A beast. And now a miserable wretch.
When Susan finally spoke, the first words out of her mouth were an apology. "I'm sorry I was such a foul beast. I should have been a better sister to you in your final days. A better friend."
There was a pause. The graveyard was silent save for the howl of the wind. Susan soon began to cry.
"I…I wish I could see you again."
She sat there for a long while. Eventually she placed the flowers on the other graves and took her leave.
The apology brought her no closure. In the following days, she still felt just as lost and brokenhearted as she had for months. Perhaps she would have felt better if one of her siblings could speak to her and tell her that everything would be okay. But like all of her fantasies, this was an impossibility. She would never see them again.
And so Susan believed, until she experienced her next peculiar dream. Much like the others, this one was familiar, but it was a bit strange as well. While she recognized her siblings and their armored outfits and the magnificent castle in the background, she did not recognize this event. This dream was not a memory. She was quite certain that it was something that had never happened before.
Susan watched as Peter took a small ivory horn and brought it to his lips. He then blew into it, and out bellowed a deep sound. It echoed all throughout the surrounding hills and forest and sky. The three siblings then paused, glancing about them.
When nothing happened, Peter handed the horn to Edmund, who mimicked Peter's actions. He took the horn and blew a single loud note into the air. Again, they checked their surroundings. Finally, the horn was passed to Lucy, who blew the longest and loudest note yet. Sure enough, they glanced all around them, even turning in circles to make sure that they covered every direction. It was almost as if they were looking for something.
And it was here that Susan awoke with a gasp, for she had suddenly realized what was happening. That horn was no mere instrument, but rather a magical device. It was said that if you blew into it, someone would come to your side. And if this was the case, this meant that her siblings had been hoping to call someone to them.
No, not just someone. They were attempting to summon Susan.
Hello all and welcome to my Narnia short story. I originally wrote this as a one-shot, but it quickly became very long and I didn't feel comfortable releasing it all at once. I've since decided to split it up into parts (or chapters if you will) to make for an easier reading experience. There will end up being 4 parts total.
The cover art was made by "thenameisjoules", whose work can be found on Instagram and Tumblr. Isn't it just lovely? Thank you, Joules!
Anyway, feel free to let me know what you think. Any reviews are appreciated. Thanks for reading and I'll see you in the next chapter :)
