[EVAN]
Dear Evan Hansen, today is going to be a good day and here is why
You are yourself and not this baby who only cries
Not cool enough so you skipped effort and went for the pill?
Ironic you're played by Connolly and Ronald but you have no Will
You'll get a panic attack, yes I'm that cruel
So much that your part will be dubbed Jeremy In The Bathroom
I changed more lives, I'm the real hero
So now you can just call me Rob De Niro
You're stuck being the sidekick who's bitchy
I guess we'll just have to call you Joe Pesci
Must've been a blast having a Squip to be a jerk and such
You're the one needing a cast for jerking off too much
[JEREMY]
I am waiting for your disses to hit
But this is really sad and now I get
Why your name makes up the word meh
Because your verse will be totally bleh
You're so lame you can't leave a Mark
But your dad, he straight up left you in the dark
Step out of this battle cuz you keep getting burnt
Michael's my support, Jared keeps getting you hurt
Can't believe they wasted my actor on that petty jerk
Who only relies on you to keep his car at work
In the end, I got to date Christine
Your lie drove Zoe far away, end scene
[EVAN]
You're all bark and no bite in this situation
The worst thing you can do now is a tally mark in category: humiliation
You might've got the girl after beating the Squip
But like your dad before you, she'll be wearing the pants in the relationship
And even still, you saw her as a trophy to be won
Learn from Jake, he'll teach you how it's done
My show won a Tony, yours got snubbed
Hope you enjoyed that Broadway five months run
You want to More Than Survive, but you barely managed
I just bested your mom at leaving you damaged
So please don't step up again and leave me be
From your best adversary, sincerely me
[JEREMY]
Are you sure you're a teen? You look old a bit
Oh wait, that's just Ben reprising his role but no one was sold on it
Puppeteering Connor to confess your feelings? What a freak
If I Could Tell Zoe, it's not just your sweaty hands that'll make you reek
Don't act like you were completely altruistic
To be realistic, you've became very hedonistic
Ironic, you're obsessed with trees but
You know less than Chloe about growing up
You should've made like your attempt and let go
So I wouldn't be kept here dealing with you
Hit the ground, made no sound, let's be real
You Weren't Found cuz you deserve to Disappear
