[EVAN]

Dear Evan Hansen, today is going to be a good day and here is why

You are yourself and not this baby who only cries

Not cool enough so you skipped effort and went for the pill?

Ironic you're played by Connolly and Ronald but you have no Will

You'll get a panic attack, yes I'm that cruel

So much that your part will be dubbed Jeremy In The Bathroom

I changed more lives, I'm the real hero

So now you can just call me Rob De Niro

You're stuck being the sidekick who's bitchy

I guess we'll just have to call you Joe Pesci

Must've been a blast having a Squip to be a jerk and such

You're the one needing a cast for jerking off too much

[JEREMY]

I am waiting for your disses to hit

But this is really sad and now I get

Why your name makes up the word meh

Because your verse will be totally bleh

You're so lame you can't leave a Mark

But your dad, he straight up left you in the dark

Step out of this battle cuz you keep getting burnt

Michael's my support, Jared keeps getting you hurt

Can't believe they wasted my actor on that petty jerk

Who only relies on you to keep his car at work

In the end, I got to date Christine

Your lie drove Zoe far away, end scene

[EVAN]

You're all bark and no bite in this situation

The worst thing you can do now is a tally mark in category: humiliation

You might've got the girl after beating the Squip

But like your dad before you, she'll be wearing the pants in the relationship

And even still, you saw her as a trophy to be won

Learn from Jake, he'll teach you how it's done

My show won a Tony, yours got snubbed

Hope you enjoyed that Broadway five months run

You want to More Than Survive, but you barely managed

I just bested your mom at leaving you damaged

So please don't step up again and leave me be

From your best adversary, sincerely me

[JEREMY]

Are you sure you're a teen? You look old a bit

Oh wait, that's just Ben reprising his role but no one was sold on it

Puppeteering Connor to confess your feelings? What a freak

If I Could Tell Zoe, it's not just your sweaty hands that'll make you reek

Don't act like you were completely altruistic

To be realistic, you've became very hedonistic

Ironic, you're obsessed with trees but

You know less than Chloe about growing up

You should've made like your attempt and let go

So I wouldn't be kept here dealing with you

Hit the ground, made no sound, let's be real

You Weren't Found cuz you deserve to Disappear