I could not articulate what I was feeling or thinking. I felt so numb and so exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally. The past few weeks had been such a rollercoaster ride.
I got back with Lucas, we rekindled our relationship, I resumed work, got a man with an ugly history in jail, got engaged, the kids resumed school, saw my best friend go in and out of a coma, took care of a newborn and now this.
How could Lucas keep this from me and take it with a grain of salt? He thought that he had done nothing wrong by keeping this from me. I thought he knew better. Besides, what was Lindsey's angle? She sabotaged her relationship with Lucas all on her own. Why was she coming back for seconds?
I heard Lucas knock on the door repeatedly, but I refused to open it.
"Brooke, it's me, Karen, open up," Karen's timid voice echoed through the door. I really didn't want to. Yet, she had such strong mom energy that I couldn't help myself but obey her.
She was holding a tray laden with a bowl of soup and some medicines and water when she entered the room. "Come on, sit down and drink up. Have the medicines and get to bed."
I cocked my head to the side finding her reaction so strange. "Karen, your son might have been two-timing me with his cheater ex-girlfriend and you're worried about a mild fever?"
"Well, Lucas loves you. I don't think he is cheating on you, Brooke. I am not saying it was right of him to not tell you about conversing with Lindsey but that is not cheating. I am sure you two will figure it out and get past it with a simple conversation. However, you won't get past your fever and exhaustion without some rest," she said calmly.
"Texting is emotional cheating," I muttered under my breath and folded my hands in front of my chest with a pout like a cross toddler.
"I hope you locked the door when you entered because I am not ready to deal with him," I sighed.
"He is at Karen's Cafe, helping with the renovation plans. He cares for you, Brooke. Also, the twins just got back from school. They wanted to see you before they leave with Lilly but I wanted to check on you myself first," she informed me.
I missed my babies so much. What if Lucas and I broke up again because he chose Lindsey? The kids would be crushed and I doubt he would ever let me see them again. Getting back with my ex was such a bad idea! What was I thinking that it would be easy?
"Earth to Brooke," Karen called, bursting me out of my thought bubble.
"I'm scared, Karen. I can't compete with younger, smarter, knows her literature Lindsey. Can you send the kids up? I mean, I'm sick but I want all the cuddles while I still can have them. No all of you should just let me be until the fever breaks. It's freezing in the room," I said as I felt cold shivers up and down my body.
"Brooke! Your fever has increased!" she gasped feeling my forehead again. "I'm getting a thermometer and a cold cloth. I don't want to hear another word about Lindsey. Now I want the soup and medicine gone by the time I get back."
I saw myself grab the bowl as I softly blew on the steaming liquid. "Hey mom," Jamie popped his head into the room from the door.
"Hi bug," I gave a wide smile. Just watching my children could make me so happy.
"Grandma said you're unwell," he said, opening the door a little more.
"Just a mild fever. I keep telling her I'm fine but she refuses to listen. I should be at work and not your dad," I couldn't keep the pain out of my voice.
"All okay?" he asked, sensing my sorrow.
"Hmm, yeah. All okay," I lied. "You and Soph heading out?"
"Yeah. Lilly is dressed in an over-the-top glitter tutu. Sophia is getting her to put on some jeans instead," he laughed.
"Tell her I have pictures of the outrageous outfits she always chose for herself. Jaim, I really love both of you, okay? Just please, always know that" I couldn't shake the image of Lucas and Lindsey with my kids, being a family while I peeped through the windows out of my head.
"Mom, it's just a fever. You won't die," he joked. "We'll be back in time for dinner."
"Love you!" I said to him before he exited the door.
I sighed and drank Karen's soup. It was delicious. I popped the pill she had left for me and decided to take a shower. I really did not have the energy to oversee renovation work, especially if there were going to be sounds of hammers and nail guns blaring.
I set the water temperature as high as it would go and stepped into the steam. The fury drops turned my milky skin bright red but it felt soothing. I found myself sitting down in the shower as I hung my head low and crouched it between my feet.
I slowly let my mind open up to every scenario regarding Lucas and Lindsey including the one where Lucas was telling me the truth and nothing was going on. Yet, if that were true, why would he lie to me and keep it from me? Also, what did Lindsey want? I had to know, I just did.
I stepped out of the shower and saw that my fingers had turned all pruny. When I stepped into my closet, all my heart wanted to do was wear one of Lucas' baggy hoodies and sweats. Yet, I held myself and picked one of my t-shirts and leggings. Karen was waiting in my room for me when I got out. I just complied and got deep into the covers of the soft bed. She placed the wet cloth on my forehead and let me sleep.
Once I heard the door close behind me, I quickly grabbed my phone.
'You and I both meet Lindsey together and listen to whatever she has to say,' I texted Lucas.
'Okay,' came his swift one-word reply. He was not too happy with me either and I knew where he was coming from. The last few weeks he had literally lived for me. Xavier, the press, New York, everything was a 'me problem' not a 'him problem' and he had been the sweetest, most generous and helpful man ever! Yet, there was just something, lingering, something nagging as if my subconscious was warning me about this not being easy and that Lindsey was going to be up to no good.
'Luke, please don't break my trust. I won't recover,' I prayed before actually falling asleep.
—-
I woke up to find Lucas sitting on his reading chair, just looking at me. I tried to get up and a washcloth fell from my forehead. It was still damp and new. He had definitely changed it recently.
"Hey, what time is it?" I asked, rubbing my eyes and having no sense of anything.
"About to be 7:30," he said with a sigh. "Mom said she would get your dinner upstairs for you. She wanted to check your fever once you woke up."
"I've been running that poor lady crazy. She came here for a vacation and I had her babysit the twins and now babysit me," I reprimanded my actions.
"No Brooke, she came here because you nearly drowned," he reminded me.
"God, that feels like it was a lifetime ago," I replied groggily sitting further up. I still felt so exhausted. "Are the kids back?" I asked with a yawn.
"Yeah. They're helping mom with dinner. She is teaching them her apple pie recipe," he couldn't help but smile at that.
"Uhh, if it's okay, can I just go back to sleep? I'm really not hungry and I could just crash again. Also, I'm sure the team is capable enough to deal with the renovations and the paperwork. I appreciate your help, but it's fine. Besides, I'll be fine by tomorrow to go myself," I said while drifting back into the covers. One conversation with Lucas was turning out to drain so much energy!
Lucas looked conflicted. His instant expected reaction would usually be to fight me and make me eat because he knew that whenever my emotions became too big, I would take it out on food and cut back on it completely. Yet, he was equally mad at me, so he simply said an okay and proceeded towards the door.
"Lindsey is flying in this weekend. We will see her Saturday afternoon," he said before closing the door behind him and walking out.
Lucas was being so cold with me. Was it because I had caught him in his act and now he was upset because he would lose me? The perplexity made all the sleep dissipate from my body.
I took the weighted blanket I was under and silently went down the stairs. Ensuring that it was securely wrapped, I walked out of the house and into the garden. The darkness made me camouflage but I could spot my family eating their meal in the confines of the warm dining room.
Lilly was gabbing with dramatic use of her arms. Karen was sneaking in additional food on the twin's plates who were laughing, probably complaining about how stuffed they were but that one extra bite couldn't possibly hurt. Lucas was silently watching but he didn't look forlorn.
I had just started feeling like I belonged, and now it was gone again. I felt like I was in New York without being there, peeping through the windows, knocking on the glass, begging for somebody to let me in, but nobody could see me, nobody could hear me and nobody could because they were so content in their lives.
Things with Lindsey had ended so abruptly. He never got to close that lid with her and my box was bursting to open even before she was completely out of the picture. I knew just how difficult it was to shut off feelings. I had held on to my feelings for Lucas even after almost a decade of being apart. Of course, he would have emotions for Lindsey. How many months had it been?
And then there was the beautiful fact that I loved him so very much. I could see him and yet, I felt so far away from him that I missed him. All I wanted to do was hug him and never let him go, claim him to be mine and kick Lindsey away from him. He was so precious, so perfect. I was not, yet was Lindsey? Whatever it was, I knew that the weekend had the potential to make or break us.
Having seen enough, I left the backyard, returned to my room and began to distract myself using my phone. I heard a knock on the door an hour later.
"Hey mom, Grandma asked me to check your temperature and she sent food and medicines for you," Sophia said to me as she carried with her a bowl of beans and rice. I gave her a weak smile as she handed the thermometer to me.
"How are you feeling now?" she asked me. "Oh look, 99 degrees! Your fever is coming down!" She felt my forehead and gave me a loving smile.
"Thanks, Princess, I feel fine," I said to her. Just watching my child made me so emotional at that moment, I wanted to hug her and squeeze her and never let her go. However, I settled for asking her about her day instead.
"You know, Lilly isn't too bad a company as I perceived her to be. All my friends were all over her, she and Zack have now become these weird best friends and I'm pretty sure Lilly likes him more than me which is so appalling. It's easy to tick her off though, all I have to say is Aunt Lilly and she starts screaming! We fed her ice cream so Grandma Karen is going to have a tough time putting her to bed tonight. Weirdly, Zack is very good with kids. He was interested in everything she had to say and Lilly loves him! That girl though! She went on a fifteen-minute rant about how she was fighting with Topaz. We assumed it was a girl from New Zealand. When Zack suggested that she go home and call Topaz, she tells us that Topaz was right there with us. We all got super creeped out, turns out Topaz is her imaginary friend!" Soph gabbed.
"Oh, my God! Mr. Snuffles wasn't it? The name of your imaginary friend?" I laughed, remembering the younger days with my two. "Man! I miss you two being that age. You two were so curious and so feisty. It was such a joy watching ya'll come into your personalities. Seeing what you liked to dress in and what you liked to eat. Did you know you had a phase where you refused to eat anything that was the colour red? I have made pizzas for you where it's basically bread and cheese."
"Well, you and dad aren't exactly old. You ever talked about having more kids?" she asked, surprising me.
"Honestly, yeah, we have and we would both like to have more in the future. You'd like to be an older sister? Unfortunately, the two of you might be in college by then or it might just not happen at all, who knows?" I suddenly remembered Lucas and Lindsey.
"Well, there are still two years until college. You could plan one for sooner although my parents having more children knowing how children are made, ikhhh! It would be fun to be an older sister, though. Jamie really loves dominating me for the 2-minute difference between us," she remarked.
"That kid always saw himself as your older brother. You were such a shy child. He felt like it was his job to protect you," I reminisced.
"But it's really not!" Sophia's voice suddenly grew three times louder. "He really didn't want you to know this, but he and Zack got into a huge fight after uh, the thing that got me grounded. He basically asked him to stay away from me and decided that I was to break up with him. They still don't talk to each other. They just tolerate each other when we are with the group. What's worse is that he and Maddie are totally talking about doing it! Maddie told me that she was going to tell him that she was ready, even though it's gross, he is my brother! I wonder what she sees in him, but that's her lookout. We are literally the same age, he has got to stop being so overbearing."
I pressed my temples. "Your dad and I will talk to your brother. You are correct, he cannot go throwing punches at others even though he believes he is doing it to protect you. Yet, I will remind you of our conversation. You cannot get carried away. You have to be careful and a 100% certain about being ready."
"Mom, uhh, I think I should get on the pill though. I mean, we aren't there yet. I am not. Yet, everyone around me is and I was um, maybe I should just," she stammered.
"Oh my baby," I said, hugging her and pulling her into my chest. "You cannot make these decisions based on the people around you. Aunt Haley kept her virginity until she got married. Nathan waited. He loved her and Haley did not feel ready. Peyton and I weren't virgins, and neither were Nathan, Jake or Lucas. Mouth waited for a really long time too. Your Aunt Haley didn't give in to the pressure of what her friends were doing. She was clear about not being ready and yes, it was scary for her. She was so afraid that Nathan would go running looking for it elsewhere, what he wasn't getting from her. They communicated with each other and figured it out. Now look at them, they're so adorable!"
Sophia was fiddling with her thumbs as her mind processed everything I was informing her. "Uncle Nathan waited for her?" she asked. I knew that she was putting herself in their shoes.
"Yeah, he did because that is just how much he loved her. Nathan knew better than to mess that up. You fall in love with the person, baby girl. Their qualities, their values, their ideals, their goals; not their bodies and it's hella stupid to just go for it because they look a certain way. If Zack really cares about you - Sophia and not just your body, he will wait," I advised. "Do you still want to get on them? They take about seven days to get effective and you have to remember to take them daily, no goof ups and still always use a condom. Always."
"I'll get back to you. Geez, it's weird talking to you about this, but you are cooler than most parents. Thanks for not blowing your head off," she thanked.
"Oh, if I could, I would keep you locked and away at home. You're my little Princess," I said, getting emotional. I was so scared of her getting hurt.
"I'll always be your little Princess, okay and not there yet. Anyway, I'm getting on with my homework. Love you," she said before taking my empty plate back to the kitchen with her.
I got my iPad out and began working on the Sports Illustrated designs, wondering what Lucas was thinking about. Was he talking to Lindsey going, we got caught! Brooke knows! We had spent every day together since we got together, but I was in New York for the rest of the week and he was in Tree Hill. Where was Lindsey those days? Lucas said she had been texting her since New York.
'Stop it! Just stop it! You know Lucas! You know the kind of incredible man that he is! How can you doubt his trust and loyalty? He has been the most wonderful to you- always! Why are you behaving so strangely?' I internally scolded myself. Yet, there was a really uneasy feeling growing in the pit of my stomach that I failed to shake off. I needed to talk to Lucas.
I swung myself off the bed and once again draped the weighted blanket around my shoulders. The house was silent as everyone had retreated to their rooms. I walked towards the door that Lucas had made into his makeshift study. I saw light come from the crack at the bottom of the door. I gently knocked it and swung it open. A quick look around the room showed me that it was empty which was strange.
Stepping inside, I felt a draft of cold air. The window was open. I walked towards it and there Lucas was, lying on the roof, staring at the sky. I hopped onto his desk chair and carefully put my foot on the cold tiles of the roof. Soon I was lying next to him, moving the blanket to cover both of us. I don't know why but at that moment, I craved his presence and his comfort so much, I moved closer to cuddle with him.
He let out a heavy sigh but moved his arm so that I was closer to him. "Brooke, you should be in bed. It's cold. He moved his hand to my forehead. Your fever seems to have gone down."
"I was waiting for you to come to bed," I answered honestly. "I'm sorry, Luke. I trust you."
Lucas' entire demeanour changed. "Why did it take you the whole day for you to trust me, Brooke?" he complained. "Don't you know me at all? Don't you know that I would never do that to you?"
"I never expected you to physically cheat on me, Lucas. I know you would never do that. Yet, uhh, I don't know. Things were so quick, so incomplete. You dated her for years, of course, you must have feelings for her and she just ran away when the whole cheating thing got revealed. Besides, we were probably emotionally cheating on Lindsey, sharing a bed and all while the twins were at the hospital. Uh, I understand if you still have unresolved feelings," I revealed my thought to him.
"Brooke, I promise you, you are the only girl I have ever loved. Ever in my entire past. I never loved Lindsey. She made your absence hurt less, but that was never love and I know it because I have felt it - with you," he said but his voice was filled with hurt, not love.
"Why did you keep it from me? Why not tell me the day she started texting you? Why let me find out about it this way? A person would only hide it if there was something to hide. Julian asks about the twins ever since the shooting, but that is it. He wants to come to see them after he wraps his film with Alex Dupre in LA. I can say that to you because I don't find the need to hide it. There is nothing to hide," I said.
"There has been so much going on since that day and you know it. You're sick from exhaustion. I knew that if Lindsey came back into the picture, you would not be able to handle it and you would react in exactly the way you are right now!" I said angrily.
"What does she even want?" I asked softly.
"I really don't know, B. I told you. I had been ignoring her calls, texts and emails but she was just too persistent so I texted her back to ask her to stop. That only aggravated her attempt to reach me and she said that she was flying down to see me of her own accord. And I knew that if you two came in front of each other, it would be all levels of bad. So I called her and asked her what it was that she needed and to finish it on the phone. Yet, she said that she needed it to be in person and that's where we were until today. Brooke, your life has been a rollercoaster these past few weeks, but mine has been too. I wasn't trying to hide it. I was trying to get her to stop. I want nothing to do with her. I am equally upset with her wedding herself into our lives again."
"I'm sorry. We will deal with her together, okay? I really can't understand what she wants though. She is the one who ruined her relationship with you. Maybe she needs closure. I know just how irresistible you are," I thought out loud.
"Brooke, you need to trust me more. Please," he said. He was clearly deeply hurt by my actions.
"You're absolutely right. I am genuinely sorry, baby. How can I make it up to you?" I asked, draping my arm around him and placing my head on his chest. Listening to his heartbeats was always so soothing. I could lie there like that with him all day."
"Just promise me that you will trust me and stop running at the first indication of trouble. I always trust you, Brooke. I need you to trust me back. I know everything about your life and why you have the insecurities you have. I know I am part of the problem too with the divorce and custody battle but we have got to move past it. We really cannot be stuck there. I want to be happy with you but this makes me so terrified. That our history will take you away from me without any fault on my end," he answered with his eyes closed. He held my palm that was on his chest in his hand and squeezed it tightly.
He was my sweet guy. I felt so bad for the way I behaved. "Sorry Lukie," I apologised yet again. I got on top of him and buried my face in his neck, hugging him best I could that way.
"Come on, let's get you in. If your fever returns, my mother will spank me!" he joked as he helped me up and out of the window.
"Can we just spend some time together? I kinda missed you today. I spent the day asleep and left you to oversee my work, I'm sorry about that. I just want to maybe cuddle and watch a movie with you with a hot chocolate. Please?" I requested.
"Yeah, I missed you too," he said and gave me a smooch. I'll make the hot chocolate and you choose a non-chick flick movie! Please!" he begged although he knew that it was going to be something along those lines.
"Come on, you were totally invested in Legally Blonde," I joked.
"Let's swap roles. You make the drinks and I'll pick the movie!" he suggested like that was ever going to happen.
I walked into the basement and took a seat on one of the comfy recliners while I waited for Lucas to come.
He walked in and I quickly got into his lap instead of the seat by his side. He had a smile on his face, he didn't seem to mind. "You're too good for me!" I said, giving him a deep kiss.
"Can I tell you the truth?" he asked me and I felt his body go stiff underneath me when he said that.
"Hey what is it? I'm here for you," I assured.
"I'm a little afraid about meeting with Lindsey. She sounded on edge on the phone," he said. He wasn't looking at me but his hands subconsciously began to run my feet and my back. "What does she really want from me?"
"I'm worried too. It doesn't make a lot of sense," I answered helplessly.
"I'm glad that you're coming with me. I, uh, I don't know. Oh, I also forgot to tell you, while you were in New York, mom and I spoke about Dan's inheritance and we donated all of it to your Foundation," he said, continuing his massage.
"What!" I exclaimed. "Why?"
"We both agreed that you have the biggest heart we know and you would know exactly the right way to use those funds and save women and children from violent homes. So we directly called your office and wired the funds to them. I have to say, it felt so relieving to let go of that money and just hope that his money helping lives will help balance out some of his negative karma." he informed.
"Sounds like you have a lot going on too. How are things with the new publisher?" I asked.
"I am still writing the new book so they haven't assigned an editor yet. They signed me on just based on my past novels and the first five chapters of the new book," he said.
"I can tell, this is going to be a good one. What is it about?" I asked, watching him light up. Just seeing that shine in his eyes made me instantly melt. Man, I loved him hard.
"The girl who got away but returned," he said with a chuckle.
"Of course," I said, rolling my eyes at him. "And may I ask, how does the book end, exactly?"
"With the boy laying the girl down," he said while flipping us so that I was on the seat underneath him.
"Uh-huh," I responded, shuddering and shivering under his soft touch.
"And the boy kisses the girl's neck," he said, attaching his lips there, making goosebumps erupt all over my body.
"I thought we were watching a movie," I giggled when he tickled me with his nose.
"Eh, I prefer reading anyway," he joked before continuing to lay feathery kisses on my face and neck.
It was the weekend. Neither Lucas nor I slept a wink the previous night. I guess he was as worried as I was or what Lindsey had to say. I had asked Lucas to text her and ask what did she want to talk about or give any indication of where she was headed but all she said was that she would explain everything in person.
Since Peyton was busy with the baby, Sophia had gone early to Red Bedroom Records to help Haley with her album. Jamie was at Mouth and Skill's apartment, possibly adding mentos to coke bottles and watching them explode. Andy was coming over to Tree Hill for the week so Karen and Lilly had gone to the airport to pick him up in my car.
That made it very easy for me and Lucas to leave and head to the restaurant where we were to meet Lindsey.
"I don't know what to wear," I huffed after spending ten minutes standing in a towel in my closet. "What do you even wear to go meet your current fiance's ex-girlfriend?" Lucas popped his head in, in the Clothes over Bro's blue shirt I had designed that matched his eyes.
"Aww! You wore my shirt," I said in a doll-like voice. "Me likey!"
"Wait, I think you mean my shirt," he smirked as he pointed at his eyes.
"What should I wear? Also when this is over, we are having everybody over at our place to announce our engagement. Haley will be so mad that we kept this from her for this long!"
"You look beautiful in everything, love. Besides, Lindsey is not that important to waste so much energy over. Put on whatever Brooke Davis likes and let's head I want to be done with this soon so that I can get on with the rest of my day," he said which made sense to me.
"Lucas, is it okay if I don't wear this?" I asked, taking off my engagement ring. "I don't know but I just don't want her to know before we tell our people and I don't know, I don't think she will have anything good to say about it. I don't want to tempt her and draw any negative energy."
He walked to my jewellery box and pulled out a smile silver necklace. Stringing the ring through it, he clasped it around my neck. "There we go," he said with jazz hands. I smiled as I settled on a deep purple A-line dress and tied my hair into a loose ponytail.
We got to the restaurant earlier than the time we had settled for. We sat there next to each other and decided to talk about anything but this. We settled on asking the family if they wanted to go for a beach day the next day. The Hargroves and the Scotts would love it. The weekend meant that Nathan would be home too and we could let everybody know about our engagement. I would miss Peyton though who was going to see off Jenny that day.
"We need to figure out a way for Peyton to settle here instead of in LA! These last few months have been perfect with everyone right at home," I smiled as our fingers lingered and played. Lucas made some funny jokes and I was laughing, enjoying myself with him. Briefly, I forgot why we had come to the restaurant in the first place, but by briefly, I mean a split second.
Soon enough, Lindsey walked in. She looked different than when we last saw her. She was wearing a loose flowy dress. Her hair was going more towards its natural blonde. Thick sunglasses covered her face and she seemed to have grown heavier.
"Uh, hey Lindsey," Lucas greeted her but did not extend his hand to shake. Instead, he continued to clutch mine. "What would you like to eat?"
I was proud of how civil he was being with the fake brunette. I looked up and down at her, she looked equally scared and worried as us, not like someone who held the cards.
She asked for a simple iced tea and nothing more. I guess she wanted to keep our Meeting short and sweet too. I appreciated not having to sit through an entire meal with her. Lucas placed our drink order with the waiter and there was a deep hush for a few moments. We all seemed to look everywhere but at each other. Lucas and I linked our feet and toyed with each other, our hands still clasped under the table. When our drinks got served, she took a sip but made no indication to proceed to talk.
"Why are we here, Lindsey?" I asked, cutting right to the chase.
She looked at me and then at Lucas. Letting in and out a deep breath, she unclasped her purse and began to rummage through it. Finally finding the object of her pursuit, she put it on the table.
It was a piece of paper, it looked a lot like a polaroid. On further inspection, I realised just what it was and it made my heart break into a million pieces. I gasped and let my hands fall away from where they were linked to Lucas' arms. Lucas picked up the picture in his arms and stared at it. The picture was of an ultrasonograph.
"Congratulations. It's yours," she said, making all my deepest fears turn into reality.
