Hey Guys, updates will be slow for a while... I'm back on Assignments and tests with finals in May. Then your girl will officially be a Lawyer. Anyway, I wasn't going to update today either but I had a terrible fight with my best friend from forever and I kinda feel as crappy and low as Brooke right now. It's always the same song and dance with her. She is Always Right and she Never apologises. But she does also care about me. I don't know what to do. She has helped me through some pretty bad shit and I don't want to lose her but it's her way or the highway. Anyway, it's cold war right now. If you have got some advice for me, please do shareee. I really do love her, she spotted when I was miserable when my own family couldn't. Communicating is futile though. Should I just apologise and let it go or keep mum and wait for her to say something if she ever does? Sorry, here is what you came for!
JULIAN'S POV
It took Brooke six hours to get to the hospital. Lucas was still en route since he had to fly commercial.
"Julian, where is he? How is he?" she asked worriedly as soon as she stepped into the hallway. She was agitated, fearful and tensed. She wasn't dressed to perfection like I was used to seeing her, red carpet ready at all times, never a bad picture with the paps. She was dishevelled, her eyes were puffy and she was scared. Yet, she looked every bit like the mother I had always known her to be. Something, the outside world only got to imagine because she was so reserved about her private life.
"He is fine. But, he doesn't want to see you right now," I said, following Jamie's wishes, knowing that there was no way Brooke was going to take that well.
"What? No! How can he refuse to see me? He is a minor and my child!" Brooke screamed. She was hysterical. "I need to see him, now! Take me to him, or I swear to God, I will tear apart this hospital!" Mama Bear was off the leash and she was ready to fight.
"Brooke, he is fine," I tried to console her. "I mean, he needs help, but he is alive and he will make a full recovery. We will help him, he just needs some time and some control, even if it means that you can't see him for a little bit."
"No, he is a minor, what does he know, I mean he was stupid enough to get into drugs which means he is incapable of making any decisions. Take me to him right now!" she warned.
"I hate to do this, but you have no rights to him and until Lucas arrives, I am his guardian as that is what I told the Doctor, considering both of you left your children alone! Do you want to tell the doctor another story so that he can call CPS?" I fought her. She needed to realise just how shitty her actions had been.
"You did not just say that to me! F you, Julian! Nurse, could you guide me to James Scott's room? I am his mother," she said scornfully after she stormed away to the nurse's station.
"No need, I am here, I will take her," I interrupted them and pulled Brooke away from the nurses. "Brooke, just breathe. You will obviously see him, just let's pretend that Jamie has the controls to make him feel better. He needs that. We'll wear him down. He is fine right now, I promise you."
"He overdosed on drugs! How can he be fine if he did drugs? What is happening with my baby? It is all my fault. I was so selfish, I stopped paying attention," she cried. "Also, how - where did you even come from? Where is Haley? Wasn't she taking care of them?"
"The kids were living alone. I came to surprise all of you and visit as I had a few days off and I had promised to come to see them after the shooting. So I did. That is when I found out that they were all alone," I informed her.
"But that makes no sense! They were supposed to be with Haley! We have a system that when Lucas and I aren't in Tree Hill and they have school, they live with Haley, just like Jude and Lydia stay with Lucas when Haley goes to Charlotte to visit Nathan or LA for her music," she blabbered.
"Yeah, Haley didn't know that both of you were away and the kids never said anything to her. You and Lucas had some mixed communication about informing Haley," I explained.
"Didn't Lucas call her and set it up? He always ensures these things. That's how I breathed in New York, knowing that Lucas was ensuring that the kids were with Haley! Also, I spoke to the twins every day! They said they were fine with Haley! I have texts!" she retaliated.
"They lied, Brooke. They're teenagers. They think they know better. They were living alone," I explained and saw Brooke break further down.
"Shh, shh," I said, pulling her into my arms and allowing her to cry.
"I need to see him and his doctor. What drugs was he on? What am I supposed to do? I need him to get better, please God! I love him," she cried.
"He was on opioids. He had his prescription from the time of the shooting and some of the drugs left. He used those and then found a dealer to get more once he felt them soothing him and helping him from overthinking," I answered.
She looked at me quizzically. Of course, she was surprised that I knew so much.
"I spoke to him when he woke up," I explained.
"How long has he been misusing?" she asked.
"Two months," I said. The wheels in Brooke's head began churning and she obviously put two and two together concerning the timeline of things. She gave me a knowing nod.
"This is all my fault," she whispered before breaking down further in my arms. "Did Sophia or Madison know?"
"No, Sophia didn't but he did break up with Madison a few weeks ago," I informed her.
She gasped at that and was about to say something but just then, Lucas walked in. She saw him from the corner of her eye and her entire demeanour changed. I felt her take an inward breath and struggle to let it out. She was scared witless.
"Uhh, I got to go," Brooke said with quite a bit of struggle and scrambled away. She literally left the waiting room and jetted off. I tried to stop her but Lucas was barrelling towards me.
"Julian, how is he?" he asked.
"He is fine. He will make a complete recovery, but he does not want to see you and Brooke right now. Just give him some time," I explained.
"What? Why!" he asked.
"He needs some semblance of control, man. He feels like he has no control given how bad things are for you and Brooke right now. I'm really sorry, but I promised him that I would keep you and Brooke out until he gave me the all clear and I don't want to break his trust. I will go and tell him that both of you are here. Just be patient, I am not here to play dad or steal them away from you. I do, however, care about them and will respect their wishes," I said my piece to him.
Lucas rubbed his face and nodded his head. "How long did we not realise? How bad is his addiction? Is he facing withdrawal?"
"Two months," I said again. "Early symptoms have kicked in but the main withdrawal symptoms will kick in soon. At least, that is what the doctor said. He is currently extremely anxious and agitated, restless and crying for a fix. He can't sleep and is sweaty. Part of the reason he doesn't want to see you and Brooke is because he doesn't want you to see how desperate he is for a fix. He doesn't want the two of you to see him in that state and he doesn't want to be a burden and add to your worries. He is afraid that this will break you and Brooke apart even further. His words, not mine. I am really sorry."
Lucas looked like somebody had punched him. Then he nodded his head and slumped on a seat. "What am I supposed to do, Julian? I can't protect anybody! I failed my whole family."
How was I supposed to answer that? Lucas was famous for his hero complex, especially when it came to Brooke and by extension his children. Brooke had been saved by him and she felt that she owed him a debt of gratitude for the rest of her life. He needed to be the one to save the day and this time, he couldn't. He had turned manic trying to locate Lindsey when he should have focused a little more on Brooke and his kids instead.
Lucas' face was a crumpled mess. He was conflicted and he was feeling a sense of loss and hopelessness, kinda like I felt when Brooke refused to marry me.
"Daddy!" Sophia said when she walked out of Jamie's room where she was keeping him company. She stilled my train of thought as she hugged the broken man in front of my eyes. He hugged his daughter and caressed her hair, letting his tears fall and wet her brunette locks.
"I'm here now. I'm here," he whispered, refusing to let go of the child in his arms.
I walked into Jamie's room and let him know that both his parents were outside and that I would let them in when he wished it. He nodded his head and thanked me. I tried to encourage him to let them in right then, describing their worry and concern but by then abdominal cramping and nausea had set in.
"Keep Sophia out too," was all he said while his body quivered and jerked in pain. I felt deep sympathy for the teenager in front of me but I knew that the only way through was by dealing with the pain. He wanted to be alone, so I went searching for Brooke. After looking everywhere, I finally found her sitting in a chapel. I needed to help fix things between her and Lucas for the twins' sake.
"Brooke, what are you doing?" I asked, tired of her need to duck, hide and run.
"Praying for my son," she said, looking up as if she was asking the Almighty for strength to get through this conversation.
"No, I mean what are you doing with Lucas?" I asked, cutting right to the chase.
I saw her shift uncomfortably in the pew she was sitting in. "Things are fine." She then gave me a tight-lipped smile and tucked her hair. I wasn't sure whether she was trying to convince me or herself.
"Brooke, I may not know you as long as Peyton and Jake but I do know you well. Hell, I was able to tell that you were still deeply in love with Lucas even when you couldn't or wouldn't agree!" I asked for some gratification. Brooke sighed but remained quiet. She did feel guilty for leading me on while her heart belonged to another.
I had met Brooke through Peyton and Jake. It was the week of the Oscars and Brooke had designed gowns and tuxes for several celebrities who were attending the event. She was in LA to ensure that all the clothes were perfect for the ceremony and attending the event. She was staying at Peyton and Jake's house because they wouldn't let her stay in her Hollywood Hills Bungalow. They never got to see each other often anymore and Brooke and Peyton used to be inseparable as children and teenagers, or so I had always heard. I had met Peyton at some parties since she worked in the music business and I had used Red Bedroom to record some music for a couple of movies and some occasional ADR and scoring. They had invited me over for dinner one night while Brooke was there to set us up and I fell right into the trap. Brooke played along. Sadly, she didn't feel the same way and I was one ring and proposal late in realising that I had been fighting a losing battle all along. She and Lucas were in denial about just how much they loved each other and longed to be together again.
"Sophia told me about what happened with you and him. She told me about everything including the miscarriage," I let her know that I knew.
Her eyes turned red instantly.
"Talk to Lucas. Stop shutting him out. He is blaming himself, you are blaming yourself and it's impacting your children who are alive for now," I tried to reason with her.
She let out a sob full of anguish. "I can't! His son abused prescription drugs and almost died because I couldn't get a handle on my emotions and his other child….. How can I even face him?"
"You do realise that you will have to face Jamie… together. The only way to help him is by helping each other. He talked to me, Brooke," I tried to make her see the light.
"Do you know what is even worse? Im kinda relieved that I don't have to go face Jamie. I don't know what to say to him. A 'Sorry it's my fault you turned so screwed up' doesn't cut it! I am exactly like my parents! Shit!" she said truthfully as she got mad at herself.
"Don't take this the wrong way but I spoke to Sophia and she highlighted some instances. You are showing the classic signs of depression. You aren't like Ted and Victoria, you just went through something that caused some major grief and you don't know how to process it. You need professional help and if you're not ready for that, you need someone to talk to and I can't believe I'm saying this given our history, but preferably, you need to talk to Lucas. And about Jamie, you just hit a bad patch, you still love him. You and Lucas just weren't able to care for him in the last two months but Brooke, that is also not okay. Jamie is a kid and so is Sophia. You hated being an adult at 16. I know that you didn't realise what you were doing but why did you not seek professional help? The kids are suffering," I was so scared for Brooke. Even though I couldn't have her romantically, I did not want to lose her as a friend.
Brooke looked at me passively. She really didn't care about anything at that moment which was all levels of terrifying.
"You are on the cusp of losing another child, Brooke, maybe both of them! Snap out of it! Jamie internalised his feelings from the divorce. He lost his mom, and he felt the need to protect Sophia and that can be a lot of pressure on a nine-year-old. He felt he had to be strong because he was a boy and he knows that the two of you always told him differently. He is aware of your presence in his life despite it all. Yet, society always said another story. This one is really not on the two of you. You always kept them first and were present. I have seen that. But then when you got back together, he grew anxious. He was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. He thought that if he let himself get happy, the disappointment of it not working out would kill him. He expected everything to go south when Lindsey lied about being pregnant with Lucas' child. Yes, the twins told me about that too. He was so happy that it didn't that he started feeling happy and accepting the good. So when what happened with your baby happened and you and Lucas started pushing each other away, he started loathing himself for allowing that joy to settle in. That is when he wanted to stop feeling. And Sophia is a mess! She is so scared! Her mom is recklessly endangering herself and her whole family. What if you had managed to burn down the house? You would not just be killing yourself but the twins too! Her father is on a wild goose chase searching for this woman and her brother is under the influence of opioids!" I said to her.
"Julian, this actually makes me want to kill myself more. I already failed one child," she said, her hands trailing to her stomach and resting there. She looked at her flattened belly and felt nothing there. She sighed softly with disappointment. "And now another, I'm sure the third is screwed up too and it's only moments before she does something. I just want to be dead so I don't have to see it," she said, looking straight ahead. Her words freaked me out. How was she talking about death so casually? She continued to fight a losing battle against her tears as she tried to keep the flood inside her at bay.
"Brooke, all of you need to support each other as a family. Go on a vacation somewhere, spend time together, and Communicate!" I emphasised.
She stayed silent, processing all the information she was receiving.
"Look, do you still want to have a future with Lucas?" I asked clearly.
"Of course, but I doubt he will want to be with me," she said, looking towards her flat stomach, almost yearning for it to grow magically. Her response made me happy that she was clear about Lucas but broke my heart simultaneously that it wasn't me.
"Then fight for it! You have it in you and you know it. You fought in the business world where it was strange to see a woman run such a large enterprise. You fought the fashion world which said that fashion equalled showing an obscene amount of skin. You fought your mother well in every area to keep your company authentic. Why do you chicken out and run when it comes to fighting for what you actually care about, which is your family?" I continued to yell at her.
She began snivelling and I handed her my handkerchief. She blew her nose but kept staring at the ground.
"Look, Jamie needs to go to rehab and there are some great ones in LA. I already looked them up and well, Alex Dupre has gone to so many, I can get Jamie in. Peyton and Jake are up there. I can take Sophia with me while Jamie is in rehab," I suggested. She definitely needed some time to heal and get better and the kids needed to not see that. "You and Lucas figure things out and then come and get them."
She perked up at that, she clearly didn't want to have her kids away from her. "I don't want the twins out of my sight anymore," she cried, feeling like she had no control whatsoever.
"No. Absolutely not. You and Lucas are co-parents and you're forgetting that he still has their sole custody. If you impose any dominance right now without Lucas being on the same page…. If you two don't sort out your differences, you stand to lose a lot, Brooke and more than you… the twins will not be able to recover from those emotional scars. Do you want to fight for visiting rights? If not, figure your shit out with him! Talk to each other and get on the right foot. It's not going to be too difficult. The two of you still love each other. Both of you are blaming yourselves for something Lindsey did. All you have to do is let go of the blame and shame," I coached. "PS: I never liked her. I really began questioning Lucas' taste and wondering how he landed you if he could go for that girl next. Also, you need to get help. You cannot be talking about wanting to kill yourself and then demand that I let the kids around you."
"I don't know if I can fix my relationship with him. You make it sound so easy but it's not," she said, wiping her eyes with my kerchief. She totally ignored the wanting to kill yourself part.
"It is!" I smiled. "Begin with Hi! I am sorry for being a shithead. I still love you."
"Who gave you the Mr. Wise card? What makes you the one to know what is right?" she argued.
"My parents are divorced, remember? My dad spent most of his time on sets in random locations where he screwed his assistants. I know what your kids are going through," I shrugged.
"Don't worry, Jamie will recover. Sophia will not fall into this trap. If you don't, I will make sure of it and I have a feeling Lucas will too. So Brooke, what is it going to be?" I attempted to get the worrying mother to take action in the right direction.
"Did you see Lucas?" she asked.
"I did," I answered, keeping it short.
"How is he?" she asked. She clearly still cared and wanted to know.
"Same as you. He is blaming himself. Go talk to him," I replied.
"What's the point? I mean a defenceless child got taken away from him because I didn't defend it and Lucas is gone and so are my kids. What's the point of anything honestly when you can lose everything in an instant? When people can just be taken away from you? Why should I go on? Why should I live and my baby die? What is the point? What good will talking to Lucas do?" she asked angrily.
What was I supposed to say to that? What was the point of it all? I sat there, thinking of the right way to address her question for a few moments. "It will make you understand that you're not alone and it will hopefully make you realise that your two children are still here. Jamie is still here and he needs you to recover. Sophia is still here although she is scared and heartbroken from having to save you from yourself. Lucas is still here and he loves you. But, what do I know? Maybe there is no point, huh?" I answered, my anger at how she had abandoned her children was coming out.
Tears spilt from Brooke's eyes hearing that. "It isn't possible that he still loves me. It couldn't be," she whispered to herself.
"How will you know unless you talk to him, Brooke? At least make an effort to start. If you do, I'll try to coax Jamie to see you," I threw her a bone.
Brooke sat there, staring ahead, not moving. I stayed put beside her.
"This is not like the Brooke Davis I knew. The Brooke I knew was strong and caring. She was kind. She had a heart and she loved fiercely. She would fight for her children. She would go to the depths of hell for them," I reminded her of the girl she used to be.
"But I didn't. I got one killed," she whispered so softly that I was surprised I had heard her. Her sobs came out as screeches as she held her stomach and felt nothing but emptiness and sorrow. I pulled her into his arms and she cried vehemently.
"Brooke, Lucas should be the one holding you," I said once she did not have tears left in her. "Go talk to him, not for you but for the sake of your children. James and Sophia deserve that. They deserve good parents. You and Lucas will get over this. I know you will. Even if it doesn't seem like it and even though it feels easier to settle in the darkness. You have to try unless you want them to go down the path you went. You never spoke much about your childhood, but from the little you did and from the squabbles you have with Victoria constantly, I know that things were bad. I know that your parent abandoned you and Lucas helped you. I'm pretty certain that you made some bad choices back then and your kids are there Brooke. They are in the same spot you were at 16. Do you want them to repeat the mistakes you made? If not, get your life back together."
"How do I do that?" she asked and I was grateful that my words were finally affecting her, albeit slowly.
"Fix your relationship with your fiance." I felt myself tense as I said that. I was hurting so much doing this for her. She was the one who was never mine but I wish she had been.
"I'm so sorry that I broke your heart, Julian. I am so very sorry. You were so great to me," she said, realising how difficult this was for me.
"Yeah, me too. But, it's okay. I'll be fine. I just don't want to see my favourite family hurting like this, especially the twins. I mean if you and Luke crumble, what hope is there for the rest of us?" I tried to joke and rubbed her back.
"Will you come with me to talk to Lucas? Just till him. I don't know if my feet will carry me there," she requested.
"Of course," I stood up and helped her up. We walked to where Lucas was sitting. Sophia was curled in his lap, asleep, sucking her thumb. He was stroking her hair and lost in his thoughts.
I stood still and looked at Brooke. She nodded her head and slowly… really slowly made her way to him.
"Hey, uhh, can we talk?" She whispered. It was actually lower than a whisper. Also, she was trembling. Lucas looked up and just scanned her for a second. Then he looked at me. "Please," Brooke begged. He looked down at Sophia. He didn't want to leave her alone, obviously.
"I'll stay here with her," I said and walked to where Lucas was sitting.
He looked at all of us again with a scowl but nodded. He lifted Sophia's head gently to not wake her and I took his place on the bench, letting the young girl rest her head on me.
"Call me immediately if the doctor says anything," Lucas announced. "And please keep checking on my boy."
"Of course," I replied, focusing my attention on their sleeping daughter on my lap.
With that, the two of them began walking out of the hospital.
BROOKE'S POV
We stood outside the hospital looking lost and confused. Neither of us felt comfortable. It was as if a blanket of sorrow had encircled us and sucked us deep in. We were alone in a dark abyss, there was a void. There was silence. There was loneliness and the hope of getting out of there had been diminished, maybe extinguished. We stood five feet apart from each other in a defensive stance, wrapping our hands around us.
Lucas looked at me with a cold and painful look. I could tell that this was hard for him too. He really didn't want to be with me. Why would he? I was disgusting. I killed his child. Why did I fall to Julain's words? This was such a bad idea. I wanted to run away so badly but there was no way I could hide. I figured that I needed to say something, given I had called him to talk. I opened and closed my mouth a few times, willing words to come out, but nothing did so I gave up and just stood there. I didn't know how long we had been standing there in silence.
"If there's nothing, I would like to go back up," he said. "I can't locate Lindsey, I'll be damned if I - I am going to go see Jamie, I don't care what Julian believes is right."
"I won't be surprised if CPS shows up," I sighed, rubbing the exhaustion out of my face. "Jamie spoke to Julian. The miscarriage…." God, it was still so hard to speak about it. "Our divorce when he was nine. He internalised his pain and when we got together, he got anxious, afraid that we would let it get bad again. I mean we saw signs of it, all his questions full of self-doubt and his worry. Then he saw us push each other away." I didn't have it in me to continue.
"I researched statistics and 85 per cent of individuals relapse within a year of treatment, according to the National Institute on Drug Abuse. Moreover, two-thirds of individuals return to drug use within weeks of beginning addiction treatment." I stated. Data always helped me cope. I relied heavily on facts and research and data. Lucas knew this about me.
"That means we have 15% and that's 14% more than what my son needs," Lucas said with clenched fists, his lips sealed tight. I had to admit, he kinda blew my mind with that one and I didn't realise just how much I needed to hear his reply. He always knew the right thing to say to me to calm me down, but I couldn't say that to him.
"Julian suggested that he take the twins to LA with him, send Jamie to rehab over there and give Sophia a moment away to deal and process everything. Peyton and Jake are there so he has help. He said he will clear his schedule," I informed him.
"I don't want them out of my sight!" he said, a little too quickly.
"That's what I said. He also said that the only way to help Jamie was by the two of us getting on the right foot," I was so scared of the words I was uttering. This was my moment of truth to see whether he wanted to break up with me. Were we an us? Would we get back to where we were or was it over?
Lucas stood there brooding for some time. "I need some time to decide this. Right now, I just need to see him."
I nodded my head, respecting his answer but so confused about how any of us would ever get past this.
Lucas and I gave each other some space. He was taking care of Sophia, talking to her, listening to her. Jamie still refused to see us despite our repeated requests. His withdrawal symptoms were fully present and he was begging the doctors to just give him half a pill. I hated the idea of him struggling and I sent Julain in to tell him to just allow me in for a moment.
He sent a message with Julian that said, "When you become my parents again, that's when I will see you."
I sat uneasily in the hospital, far away from my family. I didn't sleep a wink in the night. I just sat there passively in the hard hospital chair.
Morning came and went. In the afternoon, my phone rang, constantly. It was Victoria. I didn't want to answer it, but then I was afraid she would call Lucas, so I answered.
"Brooke! Zendaya's assistant called. She said you just didn't go to the fitting. There was no call and no explanation from your end. What is going on? You have been so off your game lately! Is it because of the wedding planning? I know I said that you should focus on that but that doesn't mean you let your other work suffer. This girl is whom all the youth of America follow religiously for some reason. I don't need to explain to you how important this is. Where the hell are you?" Victoria yelled on the phone.
"Hmm, sorry," that was all I said in the most passive voice.
"Code Blue! Code Blue," the alarms blared behind me and I saw a team of doctors head into some room somewhere.
"What's that sound in the background? Wait, Brooke where are you?" she asked worriedly.
"In the hospital where my son tried to take his life and guess who he learnt that from? Me!" I laughed. I was literally laughing hysterically! "Am I not a great influence? What you burn some tables and try to drown yourself a few times, next thing you know, your son has OD'd on painkillers!"
"Wh-what?" she yelled.
"You know what? I just had an epiphany. I don't care about the Company. Frankly, I don't care about anything! You always wanted it for yourself right? Today is your lucky day, Victoria. You can have it all! I quit," I said and cut the call.
Three hours later I heard the sound of heels clicking and Victoria walked in where we were sitting. I rolled my eyes and pretended to not see her as I continued to look straight at nothing, just like I had done all day.
"What happened?" she asked, concerned.
"What do you care?" I shot back, with a raise of my eyebrow.
"A lot more than you think. What's going on?" she asked again, a little more warmly this time.
"You really want to know?" I asked, challenging her to be able to stomach it all.
"Yes, you are my daughter Brooke and those kids are my grandchildren. I care much more than I am ever going to be willing to admit because that is just who I am. But, Brooke, your call scared me and you have been so off your game. I thought it was the wedding but you tried to kill yourself? Brooke, what is going on?" she whispered to me. I could see the concern in her eyes. But, I just didn't care. Not even enough to hide it from her anymore.
"Remember the CFDA Awards? Remember how I said I fell down the stairs and got a concussion and those ugly bruises on my face and body, hence I couldn't go for them? Yeah, I was actually attacked by Lindsey and her boyfriend Samuel because we didn't give them the money they wanted. They punched me and then pushed me down the stairs and the injuries caused me to have a miscarriage," My voice got lower and lower as I cried. "I was at 6 weeks, I didn't know that I was pregnant. I found out after I lost it - the baby. Lucas and I both became the worst versions of ourselves. We grew apart, and we don't know how to be with each other anymore, and there is so much guilt and pain and hurt and regret. Sophia and Jamie had to see me basically see me self-destruct and Jamie started abusing prescription drugs. Julian found him OD'd in an abandoned park last night and now he won't see us." I summarised.
"Where is he?" she asked.
"The room, but I don't even know what he looks like. He won't see us. Julian is running point between us. Sophia is curled in her Daddy's arms," I felt a pang of jealousy.
"Brooke, come here," Victoria said and for the very first time in my life, she hugged me not in a cordial goodbye way but an I love you and I'm there for you way. "I'm so sorry that you lost your baby. I'm so sorry honey."
I froze. What was happening? No, I couldn't do this. I pulled myself out of my mother's arms. "Yeah, I'm gonna be outside," I said, standing up. I was not allowed to feel loved or any warmth.
"Brooke, Brooke, listen to me. I know you're in a great deal of pain right now, but I also know that you're aware of the choices you're making. So I want you to listen to me, and then you can say something snarky or dismissive and be on your way. But, please, sit. Please. Come on. Please," she said. I rolled my eyes but sat down.
"Your children love you and are proud of you. And it would break their heart to know that their beautiful, kind, inspiring mother was suffering like this. I know that because I'm a daughter. And so are you. Now, our lives are difficult, and our loss - unbearable sometimes. So grieve...and struggle, and you find your way back on your own terms and in your own way. But remember this...your children, the ones still living, still need you. They need you to fight your pain with all you've got. Because that's the mother you have always been. That's the mother they love."
"Someone once said that death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside of us while we live. I could tell you who said it, but who the hell really cares? Besides, it all just seems so fake...this idea that good things happen to good people and there's magic in the world and the meek and the righteous will inherit it. There are too many good people who suffer for something like that to be true. There are too many prayers that get unanswered. Every day we ignore how completely broken this world is, and we tell ourselves it's all gonna be okay. "You're gonna be okay." But it's not okay. And once you know that...there's no going back. There's no magic in the world. At least, not today there isn't.
And, I keep thinking about the finality of it all. How somebody can leave your world in the blink of an eye and be gone forever? It's...it's too enormous to think about. It's too hard. And then we're just supposed to go on, right? Like, just...Deal with it. I mean, really you're supposed to be sad for about as long as the flowers last, and then, oh, time to go back to telling jokes and reminiscing about the old days. I don't have any jokes to tell. As a matter of fact, I hope I never hear another joke as long as I live. And the old days are just... that. They're old days that are... gone.
Everyone thinks that someday I will just wake up fixed. I have to tell myself to just be happy, but... I don't feel happy. And when I try to change it, when I try to remember what being happy felt like, I... can't. I don't feel joy, I don't feel inspired. I feel numb. I have been snapping at Jamie and Sophia and they don't deserve it, and I don't know why I did it. I just did. They deserve better than who I am right now. And so does Lucas. As I said, it's not going to be okay. I know that now. And when you know that, there is no going back."
"Okay, I'm here now. We are going to fix this. We'll get you to see a therapist or a grief counsellor. The best that money can buy," she said as she wiped her eyes.
"Victoria if I may impose. I suggest that I take the twins with me to LA. Jamie can go to rehab while Sophia stays with me and we send Brooke and Lucas to couples counselling. I was researching and some places hold couple's retreats for these kinds of things," Julian interjected.
"Why not New York with me?" Victoria asked.
"Scene of the crime," he stated simply.
"Right. However, I will be present too. Besides, it's been a while since I saw Ted. He and your father, Paul, still golf together?" she asked.
"Yep. Every other Sunday," Julian said, not knowing how he felt about that. Julian's dad Paul was always producing, hence popping in and out of his life. He grew up with Sylvia, his mother. That lady hated me for saying no to Julian, but I never liked that controlling and overbearing lady anyway. She was whom I would call Smother instead of mother, always knowing what was best for Julian and not letting him live life on his terms. She was the exact opposite of Victoria and no surprise, they became fast friends when the media wouldn't stop commenting on Julian and my relationship.
"Hey, I haven't agreed to anything," I said as the two continued to talk about me as if I wasn't in the room.
"Julian, I must admit, this is exactly what they need. Our holistic retreats create a safe space for bereaved parents who have experienced any type of pregnancy and infant loss, including termination for medical reasons, to nurture themselves, connect with the baby they have lost and discover a community of people who have walked the same steps you have - those with whom you can find meaning, growth and transformation. Let's go tell Lucas and sign them up. Brooke, come on," Victoria said after Julian showed her the website on the internet of the place they wanted to send us.
"I still haven't said yes," I reiterated while walking along with them towards Lucas.
"Here, you and Brooke are going for this," Victoria said, handing Lucas the phone with the website open.
"What? No. I'm sticking by Jamie," Lucas said angrily.
"Not if you don't want me to call CPS on you. The two of you were careless enough to leave them alone for weeks and not know about it and Jamie almost died while you two were away. I covered for you with the cops and said that I was taking care of them while the two of you were away for work commitments, but I could always say that I was coerced to lie for you. You could both lose them under incompetence. I mean Brooke set fire to the house while the kids were at home and Lucas, you did nothing because you have been on a manic chase. Then the court will mandate therapy for you to get back their custody," Julian had come prepared.
"You will not do that," Lucas warned.
"Not only will he do that, but I will also support him. This is non-negotiable guys. Both of you are going to get help," Victoria concluded.
"Thank you, grandma," Sophia said, hugging her.
"Don't worry. You will get your parents back. Brooke helped me become a decent mother and she was patient with me. Now it is my turn to return the favour."
Julian's phone started ringing suddenly. "Sorry guys, I have to take this." Saying that he walked to another part of the hospital. Somehow, I found myself following him.
"No dad, I can't do the movie…. Yes, at all… No, this is way more serious, Brooke and her family need me right now and if it means dropping this project, so be it…. No, dad, it was a lucrative movie. It wasn't important. And I want to make important movies. Besides, right now, this is more important. This is real life. I'm sorry dad…. Yes, I know. You don't need to remind me of how she crushed my heart. I am painfully aware of all the details….. No, stop dad. Even if I can't marry her, I still do care about her and her children…. Dad, I can make my own decisions and I need these three months off. You can do this movie alone. I really don't care….. Thanks for the warnings but I'd rather let my heart get crushed a little bit more than read her obituary because that's where the road leads if I don't do this…. Thanks for finally understanding… Yes, I'm pretty certain I will be there for the next movie. Bye," I heard him on the phone with Paul. Shit. What was I doing? There I was ruining another life. Lucas had stopped his entire life searching for Lindsey. Jamie's life had almost ended. Sophia was in shambles to ensure the longevity of my life and here was another who was pressing pause for me.
Why couldn't the ground just open and swallow me whole? It had for Sita according to Hindu mythology. Why couldn't it be for me?
Unfortunately, while I was overthinking, Julian caught me eavesdropping.
"Julian don't. I'll figure it out with the twins. Please go do that movie. I - I don't want to hurt you at all," I looked down as I said that.
"Brooke, as I said to my dad. I can make my own decisions and I refuse to eulogise you so, just get the help you clearly require. I'm going to call Alex. They have a room reserved for her at all times I think at rehab. She is getting better with her drug problems though. We'll make arrangements for Jamie," he said.
"Please, Julian. I can't. I can't do any of this. I just want to stop feeling," I cried. "It hurts too much and if it gets better, it feels so wrong. How can it be okay to get better? How is a murderer ever supposed to feel better?"
"Brooke, stop. You didn't do that to the baby. It was not your fault. It was only your attacker's fault. You didn't. So, stop," he repeated.
"For Jamie and Sophie. Please can you just try? Please. For those two. We don't want them to become motherless. Not even for you and Lucas. Just so you get better for the kids," he begged at this point, taking me in his arms and holding me close.
My eyes leaked but I nodded my head.
"Thank you. Let me check on Jamie and see if he is up for visitors," he said and I gave another weak nod.
I stood peeping into the room in hopes of seeing Jamie as Julian walked in. Then I stood outside with my arms folded at my chest looking so unsure and uneasy while I waited for him to return. Lucas was sitting on a chair with his head in his arms and Sophia was talking to Victoria.
Julian walked out and beckoned Lucas towards where we were standing. "Listen, Jamie is fast asleep. It won't hurt for the two of you to see him in the least. Just don't make a noise to wake him and don't let him know."
We jumped at the opportunity to see our child. We walked in and breathed collective sighs of relief on seeing that he didn't look that very different. We continued to stand and stare for some time.
"Thanks, man," Lucas said once we were out of the door.
"Hey, I'm the one who is sorry to inject myself and take your authority away," Julian replied. "I'm going to go call Alex. You two can talk to Victoria about your retreat. She should've booked it by now."
He left Lucas and me alone and walked away.
"Luke, you don't have to do this if you don't want to. I mean… I don't know. I just wanted to let you know. You still have full rights to the kids and I could convince Julian to maybe stand down," I tried to soften my own blow.
"Do you not want me to come, Brooke? In fact, you look rather cosy with him out there," he said to me.
I don't know what came over me, but I smacked him right in the face when he said that. "Don't you dare insinuate, Lucas Scott! I have never and never will be a cheater. That is just your ex-baby-killing-girlfriend!"
I stormed away after saying that.
Lucas jogged after me for some God damn reason so I increased my pace.
"Wait, do you mean there is still an us? I thought all hope was gone. I mean, I didn't know what to assume. I was scared that if I asked, it would give me an answer I wasn't ready to hear."
"Open your bloody eyes. Even through all this, am I not wearing your bloody ring on my finger?" I asked, holding up my left hand to show him the ring I had on.
"Brooke, let's do the retreat. Let's fix this. I need you, I really really need you. I am lost without you," he cried. It wasn't a soft cry. He was letting out everything he was holding onto. I found the overwhelming urge to care for him. I was brought back right to when I had flown in from New York upon hearing about the school shooting. How in this very hospital, I had crawled into his lap to soothe him and take his pain away. What had re-opened a can of worms I had worked almost a decade long to close.
We were in loops. Why was I living my life like this? What was stopping it from going bad again this way? We would make up, it would be good, great even. Then something would rip us and it would take a child to be in the hospital again for us to restart? This shit seemed so futile.
"I can't keep doing this over and over. This is what fourth time we are in this position! I can't keep up and I can't be this way. Here," I said, pulling my ring out and handing it to him.
"No Brooke. No, please. I let you walk out on me the last time and it took me 7 years to get you back. I am not going to make the same mistake twice," he grovelled.
"Lucas, look where we are! We are in the same spot as we were at the time of the school shooting!" I complained.
"It only got better for us from there. If we are there, I have nothing but hope," he said, blowing me away again with his words.
"Don't give up on me, Brooke. I am so sorry for what I said about Julian. Let that not be another - 'She is an unfit mother.'" he said, remembering the words he had said to me which made me give up the fight and run away.
"I am saying it right now only, I was scared of losing you and I was jealous of him and how good he actually is. I rebounded with a psycho and you unearthed a genuinely great guy whom you left for me and I feel like a piece of trash and he is great with the twins. Please, Brooke. I am nothing without you. Please," he begged.
