"Brooke, let's do the retreat. Let's fix this. I need you, I really really need you. I am lost without you," he had cried.
"I can't keep doing this over and over. This is what fourth time we are in this position! I can't keep up and I can't be this way. Here," I had said, pulling my ring out and handing it to him.
"No Brooke. No, please. I let you walk out on me the last time and it took me 7 years to get you back. I am not going to make the same mistake twice," he grovelled.
"Lucas, look where we are! We are in the same spot as we were at the time of the school shooting!" I complained.
"It only got better for us from there. If we are there, I have nothing but hope," he said, blowing me away again with his words.
"Don't give up on me, Brooke. I am so sorry for what I said about Julian. Let that not be another - 'She is an unfit mother.'" he continued, remembering the words he had said to me which made me give up the fight and run away.
"I am saying it right now only, I was scared of losing you and I was jealous of him and how good he actually is. I rebounded with a psycho and you unearthed a genuinely great guy whom you left for me and I feel like a piece of trash and he is great with the twins. Please, Brooke. I am nothing without you. Please," he begged.
I burst out crying and felt my knees turn to jelly. A dam broke and I couldn't hold on anymore. I screeched and let the agony of all my losses rip me and make their way out. I had lost the baby, I had lost Lucas, I had lost my twins and I had lost myself. I had lost everything.
Lucas bent down to where I was creating a massive scene in the hospital waiting room floor. He scooped me in his arms and hugged me. "Hey, shh, shh. It's okay. It's alright. Everything will be alright. We can get through anything together," he whispered in my ears, quieting my sobs and screeches.
"Lucas, I can't. I can't hold on anymore. I can't. I want to just let go of everything. I want this feeling to end but it can't. It won't. I can't live like this anymore. It's too much to carry," I tried to explain what I was going through. I needed it to stop.
"Of course, it is too much to carry, my love. You don't have to carry it alone. Share it with us and I know I don't really get to say this considering how I did the exact opposite until now and I tried to carry it all alone, but, maybe we can figure it out. Maybe we can do better and share it and work things out. We have to at least try for Jamie and Sophie," he was suddenly Mr. Optimism. How was he suddenly like this?
"What gears shifted in your brain? How are you suddenly so hopeful? I killed our baby, Lucas! I killed it! That innocent life is dead because of me. I don't want you to ever have to see my face. It doesn't even matter, I just want it to end," I said with a straight face.
"Brooke, I thought after what Lindsey did to you because of me, there was no hope for us. So I focused on what I could still do, that is, try to get justice for our baby. But, you kept your ring on. You still held hope for us," he answered, staring at the engagement ring on my finger.
"Well, all that hope is gone now. I'm unfixable. I can't anymore, Lucas. I'm tired. I'm tired of the circles we are in. I'm tired of the guilt I carry every single moment of every single day. I just want to give up, Lucas. I just want it to stop. Please, can you make it stop? Please! Lucas, please! I don't want to go on!" I cried in his arms. I probably looked six wrapped in his sinewy arms the way that I was but I just needed him to hold me, even if it was only for a minute.
"Brooke, let's do the therapy thing. We need to," he concluded.
I was so weak from the crying and the emotions that I didn't think before gently nodding my head and consenting to it.
"Welcome to Whitewood Nature Retreat. Hope your travel was comfortable. If you follow me, I will help you with Registration while the bellboys take your luggage up to your room and don't worry. We all understand your trauma. This is a safe space. You will be going through intensive therapy sessions and there will be work, but just trust the process and trust yourselves. You two have already taken the first step towards healing by signing up. It only goes upward from here," the Counsellor or whoever the person who greets us when we visit a hotel told us.
Her words made me want to barf. It only gets better from here! Taken the first step! More like jumped out of an airplane with a flaming parachute hoping to stick the landing. I did not see the point of the retreat, but Lucas looked really hopeful despite me showing him how we were in a loop.
I looked at the ring that was still on my finger. I didn't know what to expect. How long would it be before I would return the piece of metal and carbon back to him? Would things actually work? Then my thoughts went to the emptiness inside me, where a baby should've been growing and I gave up my ridiculous expectations.
"Hello, welcome to Whitewood Nature Retreat. Mr. and Mrs. Scott, could you just show us some identity proof so that I can check you in. We have your room ready for you. I will also hand over your schedules. We have the best therapists and grief counsellors here. You two are in great hands. You will be having individual as well as group sessions. Nature can be a great healer so during your downtime, we encourage our visitors to connect within through Nature. Also, you have to deposit your phones and other electronics for the duration of the retreat." the lady at the front desk of the Reception area informed us.
"What? No, that's not possible. We have two kids. We need to check on them," I answered. This lady was ludicrous.
"Are they in the care of a responsible adult?" she asked me with a straight face.
"Yes, of course!" I answered a little too quickly, our past actions still fresh.
The kids had gone to LA. Jamie was in rehab. We had all made the trip down to LA to drop Jamie off. The rehab centre was more like a luxury hotel. Alex Dupre only lived in classy joints.
It was painful to see our little boy struggle. When we finally got to see Jamie, Lucas and I looked closely and sure, there were signs. He looked so different that what he used to look. He seemed to have aged in the past two months and it was just awful to watch him suffer from withdrawal. He looked so scared and so guilty. When he finally let us in his room, Lucas and I both just ran to his bed and hugged him tight. He immediately began to cry in our arms. He was so scared. It made my heart break. We told him that he had made a mistake and it was okay to make mistakes as long as they did not get repeated followed by a long lecture on its implications which followed with some yelling and crying from our end over the fact that if Julian had not found him, he wouldn't be with us.
Sophia went to Peyton and Jake's house with Victoria living in my Hollywood Hills bungalow and Julian back at his apartment. Both Victoria and Julian vowed to meet our Princess every single day and the girl was enjoying the extra care and attention of her family.
As we did this, our secret was out. We told our friends the truth and they could not fathom what we had undergone. They were upset that we didn't tell them sooner and that we let things get so out of hand but we failed to express where we came from. It was soo difficult to explain. I couldn't look them in the eye. Jamie almost died. Sophia was on the brink of a breakdown and they had in fact lost a niece or nephew.
Anyway, I was certain that we would be allowed to keep our phones once I explained this.
"Well, then you're good. Let the responsible adults do their job. Call your kids and let them know that you will not be able to contact them for the duration of the retreat," she stated simply.
"Look, you don't understand. Our son OD'd. He is in rehab," I repeated myself, assuming she hadn't fully understood.
"Rehab will have taken his phone privileges too, Ma'am. This is a requirement and in case of an emergency, we have a line that they can call on 24x7," she said empathetically while bringing her hand forward for me to deposit it with her. "Just trust the process."
"You keep saying that, but without my phone, I'm just going to be paranoid," I tried to keep a shred of my ego. I quickly called up Peyton to let her know that we had to hand in our phones and texted everyone to get in touch with us with the Wellness Retreat Line and let Jamie know too if he could call. Then begrudgingly, I conceded and Lucas and I handed her all our electronics.
We were then directed to our suite. It was beautiful. The walls had a pastel wallpaper. The living room had a plush couch and large balconies which overlooked the forest. The bedroom had a large well-made bed and the balcony faced the other side, overlooking the ocean.
It was weird sharing space with Lucas. We hadn't even been in the same room with each other since before the accident. It was like I didn't know how to be with him.
"Hope the room is to your satisfaction. Please go through your schedules and feel free to ask me any questions," the bellboy told us.
I scanned through the contents of the paper. Mornings began with Yoga and Meditation. We had individual sessions and sessions with each other. There was also a thing called Group Therapy. It was going to be intense, but evenings were blank as well as some random times in the day. Each day began the same way but then proceeded differently.
"What are we supposed to do in the off time?" I asked.
"Go and be with nature. Explore. Be together. Let nature heal you. Help each other heal. You can walk in the forest. Just follow the trails. You can swim in the ocean. We have a meditation centre. There is yoga every morning. Connect with nature and your inner self. Listen and attune yourself with your soul," he said in the most peaceful voice ever, which threw me off considering that every muscle in my body was still in panic mode.
"I can take the couch if you want," Lucas said as soon as the bellboy left us. Clearly, he didn't want to be with me. Why would he? I killed his baby. I nodded my head and went to the bathroom.
I slumped down and wondered. Would this work? Would it really work? I had no hope. Did I even want to come out? Yes, I had to. Jamie! I had to think about Jamie and Sophia. But, the other baby? The baby whose gender also was a mystery. My hands slowly went to my stomach and I started to feel around my skin. There was nothing, no flutter, no feeling. Just emptiness. I lay down on the cold bathroom floor in a ball, holding my belly for god knows how long.
"Brooke?" Lucas knocked gently at the bathroom door. I had somehow fallen asleep in there.
"Hmm?" I answered, rubbing my eyes and getting up. I opened the door to face him. My tears had dried and the remnants still remained on my face and while I tried to wipe them away, I knew it was pointless as Lucas had always been able to read me like an open book.
"Should we grab lunch and then we have a Therapy session together," he said to me, handing me our schedule.
"I'm not very hungry. Why don't you go grab lunch and I will meet you there directly?" I offered. Why would he want to even sit with me, the baby killer?
"Brooke, come on!" Lucas was pissed at me. I could see his eyes turn dark. I hadn't seen his eyes go dark for me in so long. His dark eyes used to scare me, but this time I was so unfazed. The worst that he could do was also not half as bad as what I was undergoing.
When he saw that I wasn't budging, he clenched his fists and left the room, slamming the door on his way out. Tears leaked out of my eyes but I failed to understand what to do. The walls of the room seemed to be closing in on me. So, I decided to follow the advice of the employees and be with Nature.
I began to walk by the ocean, letting the waves crash against my feet and the sand sink me in. I continued to walk until I saw that it was time for Therapy.
I asked some of the employees to guide me and made my way to the specialist's office. Lucas and the therapist, Mrs. Cynthia Blake, were already out there waiting for me.
"Sorry, I'm late. It took me a while to find my way," I apologised and took my place on the opposite end of the couch Lucas was sitting at.
"That's alright. We were only just beginning. First, I would like to get to know the two of you as individuals. Who are Brooke and Lucas? Why don't you each say 3 things that define you?" Cynthia asked. "Lucas, why don't you go first?"
"Uhh, I'm a writer, a basketball player and a dad," Lucas said from the top of his head. I saw Cynthia scribble a note in her writing pad before looking at me.
"Brooke?" she encouraged.
I rolled my eyes at her and said, "I am a person who doesn't want to be here."
I saw her face contort as she pursed her lips. "If you don't want to be here, why did you come?"
"Because I was forced to by my family," I answered simply.
"Why do you think they felt the need to force you?" she continued to ask.
"Uhh, so that I get better," I answered without thinking too much.
"So you agree that you need to get better and that this place will help you?" she asked with a hint of a smile.
"Uhh, that's not exactly what I said," I tried to defend my actions.
"Do you want to try that again?" she asked me.
"Fine, I am Brooke. I am a baby killer, a bad mother and a hopeless untreatable case," I answered, counting them on my fingers. Lucas looked at me with wide eyes.
"Okay, good," Cynthia said. My rage had unfazed her. "Let's go deep into your history now. How did the two of you meet?"
"Uhh, how does this help us process losing our baby?" Lucas asked her. He clearly did not want her to know about his abusive history that led to the christening of our abusive relationship.
"It's a journey. It will help me get to know the dynamics of your relationship better," she answered.
I snorted at that. We were so messed up, where could we even begin? "What's so funny, Brooke?"
"Just our relationship. I had absentee parents and threw myself at older men to seek validation. Lucas' psycho father beat the shit out of him. He began to stay with me and as hormonal teens, we had a shit tonne of sex to escape the realities that we were living. My parents made me a business deal and I was shipped to London for their profit but got kicked out of Boarding School because I was pregnant with twins. I gave birth to them, we got married. I started a Clothing Company which started drawing all my time and attention. Lucas wrote some novels, so he could remain home with the twins. We fought and got divorced. Then seven years later, Lucas' psycho father who tried to rape me twice got out of jail and shot at our kids at their school. We reconnected. Got engaged again, but Lucas' ex-jealous-girlfriend wanted money so she pretended to be pregnant with Lucas' child. She wasn't but as revenge, she came to beat the shit out of me at my office. I didn't hit her because she was pregnant with another man's baby and I took the punches, not knowing that I was pregnant too. I failed to protect my baby and I lost it and here we are."
The therapist's eyes were wide. She swallowed and scribbled on her notepad for a while. Lucas sat on the couch with his head in his hands.
"Did you get all of that or do you need me to repeat it for you?" I asked smugly.
"Okay, clearly there is a lot to process. What do you want to achieve out of this? What are each of you looking for?" she asked us once she stopped writing.
"I just want my family back," Lucas answered.
"I just want to stop feeling entirely," I said, making the therapist sigh. "I want the weight that is gnawing at my chest, the deep heavy pain that I feel here to just go." I began to cry at that moment as I pointed towards my chest. I was so emotionally vulnerable and confused and out of it, I just did not know how to behave as a functional person. One moment I was angry and pissed and mad at the world, the other I was mad at myself and the third I just wanted to cry in Lucas' arms and beg him to take the pain away. Sometimes, I felt it all at the same time which made me want to check myself at a lunatic's asylum.
"Okay, I want you to do some homework. Lucas, I want you to write 3 things that make it worth holding onto your family. This will help you set a reason behind your goal; a purpose; and Brooke, I want you to write 3 things that are still good in your life," she instructed. "Things that make you smile and happy even if it is a fraction of a smile."
"But there aren't any," I deadpanned.
"Well, the weather is good," she suggested. "It doesn't have to be big. It just has to be something you see and go, oh that's good."
The session ended and we left. We had an hour before a group session. Lucas rubbed his hands through his face and hair once we exited the room. He looked at me, with a sense of pity before walking away. I went back to the beach and sat there, staring at the ocean. Oh, how badly I wanted to drown in it but they had a lifeguard keeping watch.
Group therapy was pathetic. Everyone in the group was just a sob story and the ones around commented things like you're so brave and you're so strong.
"Lucas and Brooke, we haven't heard the two of you talk. Would you like to share your journey with us?" the Counsellor asked.
"No, thanks," I answered, crossing my hands across my chest in defiance.
"Both of you are required to participate," she answered. "It is tough in the beginning, but it helps. This shows you that both of you are not alone in your journey," she continued.
"Uhh, we had a miscarriage at 6 weeks. We didn't know that we were pregnant," Lucas answered, keeping it short.
This was followed by some sympathies and condolences that I wasn't in the mood to hear. We finally got done with the session and I felt like a pressure cooker waiting to burst.
I needed an out. So I went to the room and put on my trainers and went to take a run on one of the forest trails.
When I returned to the room, I saw that Lucas had left me a note. 'Going for dinner if you care for some.'
I went to the reception and asked them if I could call my daughter to check on her. They refused. I may or may not have accidentally dropped a vase on my way back to the room.
"Whoops, sorry," I said unapologetically.
Why did I agree to this? This was such a bad idea. I was regretting everything.
At night, Lucas was fast asleep on the couch but I was not able to sleep. I tried and tried but I was too high-strung to get any rest. I peeped out and saw Lucas sleeping uncomfortably on the couch. I sighed and walked out, sitting on a sofa chair. I just watched him. His face had crease lines. This was so difficult on him too. He looked old and tired and uncomfortable. He had a bag on the coffee table. I looked in and it had a takeout container. Despite everything, he had got me food. I opened the lid to see pasta, my favourite.
I wish I could say I gave in and took a bite and woke him up and told him that I loved him. However, I didn't. Instead, I walked to the reception.
"Hi! Uhh, this is not working out for me. I would like to leave," I formed the guy at the desk.
"Oh, I am so sorry to hear that ma'am. Unfortunately, we are far away from the city as you very well know. The transport vehicles only come week to week where they take the old members to the airport and pick up the new ones," he informed me.
"What!? That doesn't make any sense. Book me one for tomorrow morning! I'll pay whatever it costs," I ordered.
"It's not about the money, it's about the feasibility. It's not feasible for them to make the trip so far in for one guest and not have a return ride. We pride ourselves on the seclusion and oneness with nature that we offer," the concierge said with a calm smile which made me want to gorge his eyes out!
"What do you do if there is, I don't know, a medical emergency!" I tried to get him to see my side.
"We have several trained professional doctors available 24x7 and if someone needs to be rushed to the hospital, we airlift them. We have never had to though," he smiled.
"Then get me airlifted!" I rolled my eyes at him.
"But, you're not dying," he said as if I had gone mental.
"Ughh! Just give me my phone and I'll arrange for the transport myself!" I said, extending my palm out so that he could hand my device to me.
"No can do Ma'am. The rules of the retreat clearly state that all electronics will only be returned at the completion of the program," he said in a perfectly practised voice.
"I don't want to be a part of this stupid retreat!" I argued.
"If you like, I could send a ginger ale up to your room," he smiled.
Gosh, he was so unhelpful! I just rolled my eyes and walked away.
I returned to the room and went to bed. I tossed and turned, but nothing. I couldn't sleep. Thoughts of the twins kept me up. Thoughts of losing my whole family circled my mind like a shark circling a boat, knowing that his dinner was shitting his pants in fear. Eventually, I got bored. I didn't even have my phone to scroll Instagram on endlessly. Ever since Tree Hill had happened full-time, my Instagram presence had reduced drastically as I didn't feel like sharing my personal life with anyone. I knew that Tori wanted me to use my personal account and post things since it had more followers than the socials of Clothes over Bro's but I couldn't.
I wondered what the world would say to me at that moment if they saw me here, like this. Lost. Alone. A hollow body of a person.
At around 3:30 a.m., I finally got fed up and went out for a walk. The weather was in fact nice as the Therapist had said. I sat on the beach and breathed. Everyone had to be up in two hours anyway for the yoga and meditation session. I sat and thought… three good things. That had to be easy, right? Just three good things.
Jamie and Sophia. That was for sure. They were the best things in my life. So that was two. What else was good? I knew what my answer was. I just didn't know whether I wanted to say it. It was a good thing that we had a double individual session today.
I continued to watch the waves crash for a while and then I just lay in the cool sand. I was the first one to make it to the centre for yoga and meditation.
"Oh hey. I was wondering where you went as I couldn't see you in our room," Lucas said to me after he walked in. He looked relieved to see me too.
"Yeah. I woke up early so I just came. Listen, if you want I can take the couch, I'm much smaller. You look like you will fall off it any moment when you sleep," I offered.
"No, thank you," He replied curtly. The instructor just entered and he rolled his mat and took the empty spot beside me.
The stretching felt good but the meditation was hard. I was Brooke Davis, a workaholic. I didn't know how to just sit, breathe and witness my thoughts. Man, who knew how tough just sitting was?
After that, we went for breakfast and I joined in. Lucas was surprised to see me walk beside him. I looked at the other couples who were there, they were all extra mushy. They had the grimness that we had as they had all experienced loss and were traumatised by it but they also had the support of their partners. I saw how they walked holding hands or leaning against each other. But Lucas and I had a void between us. We were two parallel lines with no intersections.
"What do you want to eat? I'll get it," I offered as he took a chair. The place had a breakfast buffet to pick from.
"Coffee would be great and some toast. But I can get it myself," he said.
"I'll get it," I don't know why I was doing this. But I felt the need to do it.
I got him his coffee the way he liked it and buttered his toasts, ensuring that the sides were properly buttered as Lucas hated when his sides felt dry and tasteless. I, on the other hand, just had a bowl with cut-up watermelon.
We ate in silence. Then proceeded to the room to shower and begin with our schedules. I entered the therapy room and Cynthia smiled at me.
"Hey, are you ready for today?" She asked me.
"Does it matter whether I'm ready or not?" I asked her, reminding her that I was not the one in control here.
"Of course it does," she said to me.
"Wait, does that mean that I can blow therapy!" I asked with as much fake sarcastic excitement as I could.
"Sure, but what do you plan on doing instead?" She asked me. Oh, she was good because I honestly don't know what I would do.
"Escaping from here sounds like a good idea," I came up with on the fly.
"Okay, nice but then once you escape, what do you want to do? Where do you want to go?" She asked.
"Do you answer everything with a question!" I asked exasperatedly.
"How does that make you feel?" She said, making me grumble and slump on the couch.
I stretched myself on it and put a cushion over my eyes to block the light.
"I can't sleep and I am terrified that I am going back to some past habits that took a shit lot of work to overcome," I confessed.
"What do you mean by that?" She asked.
I sighed, "Everything I say here is confidential, right?"
She nodded her head. I took a moment to decide whether or not to tell her and then gave in. "When I was fifteen-sixteen, I would sleep with older men… It was any boy, every night because I wasn't able to sleep alone. My parents hated me, they abandoned me, forgot about my existence and the grief and insecurity were so high, I could not just be alone. Lucas would sleep with me and I stopped finding a new man every night. It's messed up. Eventually, I got over it. In fact, it wasn't even an Oh my God transition. It was like my brain finally was at peace and there was no anxiety or grief as I didn't care what my parents' opinions were. Now, I can't sleep again. It's been a while since I have. I haven't told anybody. No, pills don't work at all. Trust me I have tried and I know that Lucas will come to save me the minute I ask for it. He is a hero. He has a big hero complex and he needs to be the guy that saves everybody but I don't want to ask. I don't want to be needy. Is there no way to fix myself, by myself?"
"Brooke, you already gave the answer to that question. When you said that you began sleeping when there was no anxiety or grief as you stopped trying to live up to your parents' opinions. Lucas might have kept your bed warm, but you did that. You let go of the grief," she made me realise.
I sat up while she said that and looked at her. Yeah, I had, hadn't I? Maybe she wasn't as bad as I initially perceived her to be.
"Did you do your homework?" She asked me.
"Yeah," I answered sheepishly.
"So what are the three good things in your life?" She asked me.
"Sophia, Jamie - my kids and Lucas," I said the last part with some pain and effort.
"So you agree that there are still good things in your life?" She questioned.
I nodded my head slowly. "According to you, and there is no wrong answer, are they worth living for?" She continued to ask.
I sat and thought for a while. "I have a mixed answer…" I said slowly, unsure if that was okay.
"Okay. Let's imagine a scenario. Close your eyes and imagine that you are dead and you are an out-of-body spirit looking at your family. Pretend that the funeral is done, the wake is over and now it is time for everyone to go on with their lives. Now think of your kids. How is your death impacting them? How are they dealing with it? Are they okay? How is this affecting their lives?"
"No!" I screamed as I imagined Jamie doing drugs and overdosing and not making it and Sophia blaming herself for the destruction of the whole family and jumping off a bridge. Tears streamed down my face as I bawled my eyes out. "No! They will not. No, I cannot!" I couldn't even string a sentence together.
Cynthia sat in her chair, patiently. She let me go through all my emotions and then handed me a box of tissues. I cleaned my face and blew my nose until I got a handle on myself.
"Was that a wake-up call?" She asked me.
I nodded my head.
"Okay, now the third reason," she began.
"I don't think that is necessary. I'm pretty certain that once this retreat is over, he is going to break up with me and take my kids and yeah," I answered.
"Why do you think that?" She asked.
"Because I have given him no reason to stay," I answered. "Today I got him his breakfast and took extra efforts to get his coffee and toast the exact way he likes it. I didn't know why I was doing that. I mean it is perfectly normal to get your husband- I mean fiance- uhh- ex-boyfriend fiance? God, you see just how complicated we are! Jesus, it is perfectly normal to get your partner his breakfast but I haven't done that in a very long time and I felt the need to do it. When I was in the shower, I thought about it and then I realised because I knew that he was reaching the brink of indifference with me. I have known that man for almost seventeen years now. I know him better than anybody."
"Did it scare you? The thought that you will lose him? You know you can survive it. You have before," she asked. Her eyes narrowed down on me as she searched for the truth in mine.
"I don't know," I answered after thinking for a few minutes. "The first line of defence that comes to my mind is that just because I can doesn't mean that I want to. But then when I think deeper and reflect on that time when we first broke up. I remember how big it felt and how in the beginning I didn't think that I would ever recover from the heartbreak and the pain. Then the years went by and I was okay. Not completely as I still loved him. But I survived. The thoughts that I won't be able to survive even a moment without you… I survived. There is an understanding that it's better with him, but it's not impossible without him."
"I have to say, that is quite profound. Okay, let's imagine again. It's a perfect world and you're the protagonist. It's the last scene of a happily-ever-after movie. What do you see?"
I closed my eyes. "We're in the backyard. All of us. All my friends, all my family. The younger kids are playing with water guns. The teenagers are in the pool playing volleyball. The men are at the grill grilling some cottage cheese with baby corn and bell peppers. Everyone is having a good time together. My girl friends are laughing as we lounge by the pool….. and they are cooing at my new baby," my tone dropped, my shoulders slumped and my demeanour changed when I said that.
"Brooke, that is attainable and achievable," she said to me. Tears rimmed my eyes.
"Not if I manage to push this great guy away. He is so good and so patient and kind and I keep constantly fighting him and pushing him. It's like I'm testing his tolerance. I am waiting to see what will finally make him tick and leave me because there is no way that he wants to stay with me, not after what I did. Not anymore," I admitted my fears.
"Do you want to change that behaviour?" She asked me straight up. She was unsympathetic, completely unlike the counsellor from Group Therapy. She was result oriented. She wanted to see me better, not wallow in the sadness. I could get on board with that.
"Yes," I replied.
"Here," she said, handing me a black notebook. "Are you familiar with the concept of an introspection journal?"
I shook my head no.
"Okay, so what I need you to do is. Go through your day the way you would and then at night, take out 30 minutes. Given by the fact that you are struggling to sleep, you should have plenty of time in hand. Use those 30 minutes to go through your day. Watch it like you watch a movie. Right from the moment you opened your eyes. Now, when you see it and feel like you did something right and you did something good like you offered to get Lucas his breakfast just the way he likes it, write it down in your notebook under the good and keep repeating that. Then move ahead through your day. When you cringe and feel like you did something bad or you behaved in a way that you shouldn't have, pause and write it down and think that the next day, if the same situation repeats itself, how do you plan on behaving differently, such that it comes in the good column. Keep going until you reach the end of the day. Then write 3 things that you were grateful for on that day. I do this exercise and let me tell you, number one on my grateful list for last night was the good coffee I had on my way to work."
I laughed at that and smiled. "Now I know number one on my grateful list is going to be."
"However, I will suggest going chronologically through the day. What happens oftentimes is that when something goes wrong, like maybe you had a fight with someone, you tend to circle on that and the whole introspection becomes about that very moment, making you lose sight of anything good that went down on that day." She warned.
"Dr. Blake, Cynthia… thanks," I replied. Feeling a little better and a little hopeful.
"It's okay, Brooke. It's my job. Don't worry. You will get your happily ever after. Keep manifesting it. It won't take away the loss of your baby. There is no substitute or fix for a loss like that. But just like you were able to live without Lucas… you will be able to live with that loss too and move on."
"Even if we are all good and Lucas and I are magically healed. If I have another baby, I'm scared that the new one will just be a constant reminder of the child I did lose and I'll never get out of the postpartum depression or be able to look at it," I confessed.
"You seem to have forgotten just how much work kids are. You will be lucky to get to sleep more than three hours at a stretch. But all jokes aside, it's never going to be easy Brooke. I know it's not. You will have your downs and there is no way to fix them but then when that new baby smiles at you for the first time or hugs you or kisses you, your heart will get a little lighter. You will have your up days," she counselled.
"Yeah, maybe it won't be a shitty dumpster fire," I agreed.
"Look at that, Brooke Davis has hope," she smiled.
"Yeah, who knew? Now, can you get me out of Group Therapy as I did such a good job here?" I requested.
"It helps to know that you're not alone. Participate and only then can Group Therapy be helpful," she said.
"Fine," I rolled my eyes at her. "Hey, thank you. I don't know if I'm there yet, but for the first time, I think that I might just get better. This is for them. It's all for my two."
"It always is. I have two of my own. I know what it feels like," she smiled.
I went to my room and decided to check Lucas' schedule. He had gone on a hike and he wasn't going to be back until dinner. Bummer. I, on the other hand, had a spa appointment. I went and grabbed some lunch and then headed to the library to check out their book collection before going for that.
"Hi, Luke!" I greeted him giddily when he arrived in the evening.
"Oh hi," he answered nonchalantly.
"How was the hike?" I tried to make small talk. Since when did I make small talk with my husband?
"It was fine. Norm was breathless within the first fifteen minutes. We are the youngest here plus I work out with Jamie, so I made it up the trail way too soon and didn't know what to do till the others arrived," he said.
"That is funny. Wanna race each other to dinner?" I asked him.
"What!?" He asked, his eyes bulging out.
"Well, I wanna remind your pompous ass just how much in shape I am!" I said, kinking an eyebrow.
"Oh, really Davis? Are you sure?" He asked, trying to tease me.
"As certain as I am that orange doesn't look good on anybody!" I replied, making him snort. He never understood fashion analogies and found them extremely funny. "Bring it on, Scott! In three.. two.." and saying that I began to run out of the room and in the direction of the restaurant.
"Heyyy!" He screamed as he laughed and began to sprint towards me. I giggled as I turned my head to see how far behind he was. I was really hoping that the strain of the hike would have tired him and would give me an advantage because I was not as athletic as he was and never would be.
"I won!" He screamed as he both walked into the restaurant at the literal same time.
"Nuh uh, Scott! I won fair and square," I sang.
"Keep dreaming, Davis!" He said as we took our seats at the table and browsed through the menu.
"I had a good session with Cynthia today. She is good," I told him as I sipped my soup.
"I can see that. You haven't spoken so much or laughed at all in a really long time," he remarked.
"Yeah, I want to try for Jamie and Sophia," I said. And you. But that last part was just in my brain.
"Thank you, Brooke," he said, meaningfully. I gave him a sheepish smile before going back to focusing on my soup.
There was a bonfire that night. It was literally right out of camo with a large fire in the centre and logs of wood around for us to sit on. The wind was warm but the sky was alive with stars. Everyone there was discussing the hike and Lucas' physique. I did not appreciate the women there ogling my husband and commenting on his build. Fiance - I mean. Eh, you get it.
I spent the entire time stiff and quiet as I listened to the ladies go on and on about how Lucas was the perfect gentleman who helped with the bags and carried it all up as the hike was too tedious for the rest of them. Lucas kept saying that it was nothing but I was certain that his hero complex was getting a kick out of this.
We went to the room and Lucas was tired so he just slumped on the couch and read for a while. I didn't say anything and just hid in the room. I pulled out the notebook Cynthia had given me and began to do my homework. I closed my eyes and began from the moment I woke up… only to remember that I never slept. That I hadn't slept in days. I sighed and decided to just begin from yoga. I remembered Lucas being cold, but he had also done yoga beside me.
While I continued my process of deep Introspection, I saw Lucas peep inside the room to see what I was up to. I immediately stopped writing and looked up. He looked at me inquisitively. "Cynthia assigned me homework. I'm journalling of sorts," I said with a dry laugh.
"Nice, I have a double session with her tomorrow," he let me know.
"Yeah, I saw. I have chanting and healing and water exercises. I don't know, I'll see what it is tomorrow," I rambled.
"Okay. I'm going to sleep. It's not easy to make it to yoga and meditation at 5:30 am. I don't know what time you woke up and left," he remarked.
I gave him a fake chuckle to hide the truth and simply bid him goodnight. Once I finished writing my journal, I kept it away and turned off the lights. Okay Brooke Davis, moment of truth. You don't need anybody.
No, it did not help because I did need somebody. Just one body rather. After hours, literal hours of trying to fall asleep, I gave up and walked out.
"Lucas," I called to him, gently shaking him awake. "Will you go on a walk with me?"
"Wha- huh? What time is it?" he asked me.
"About 4 in the morning," I replied. "Please."
He nodded his head and rubbed his eyes vigorously in a vain attempt to rub his sleep away. He put on his sweats while I dressed in a pair of yoga pants and a tee as well.
We walked by the beach in silence. We were close but we did not touch each other. Parallel tracks after all.
Eventually, I just sit on the sand and he quietly sits beside me. Sleep was coming, finally, after so so long. Longer than I was willing to admit. I lay down on the cold sand and closed my eyes. I feel Lucas looking at me, trying to piece everything together. But his steady gaze somehow feels nice, it feels safe. I close my eyes and immediately drift right there.
The next time I open my eyes, I am in the hotel room. The curtains are drawn blocking the light and Lucas is sitting on a chair in the room, reading.
"Oh you're finally up," he states as soon as I lift my head up. I look at the clock on the nightstand. They had old-timey alarm clocks since none of us had our phones. It brightly shone at 12:42 pm. Wow, did I miss the whole morning? I let out a huge yawn as I tried to get my bearings. Now that I had finally slept, my body just wanted to catch up.
"Go to sleep again. I'm here," Lucas said with a hint of knowingness in his voice. "Unless you're hungry."
I shook my head no and slumped back into the covers. "Umm, will you sit on the bed with me?" I whispered and asked.
Lucas didn't say anything but I heard shuffling until the weight on the bed shifted. I sighed and inhaled his scent. With the knowledge that I was with him, I closed my eyes and drifted back into unknowingness.
I woke up again after 3:00 pm. Lucas was still in the room. He had passed out beside me. He was snoring lightly as he too rested. He has been so devoted to catching Lindsey. Of course, he hadn't properly rested either. I rolled into him and moulded my body to fit his frame. Even in his sleep, his arms instinctively wrapped themselves around my waist, pulling me closer. I could smell that sweet Lucas scent. I just lay there, cherishing it.
Eventually, he stirred and woke up and saw that I was awake too. "Hey," he greeted me.
"Hi, sorry I made you miss the whole day's worth of sessions. What did you tell them?" I asked raspily.
"That you hadn't been sleeping well since the baby and you finally were, so to just let you and let your body heal," he replied. "Brooke, is this like from High School?"
I nodded my head sheepishly. I could not meet his eyes. I felt so embarrassed.
"How long? Why didn't you tell me?" He continued to ask.
"You know how long and you also know why," I complained.
"I'm sorry, Lucas. You shouldn't have to babysit me and miss your therapy sessions," I apologised.
"You were crying in your sleep, Brooke. Sobbing for Sophia and James," he told me.
I gasped, "What!"
"How have you been getting by?" I asked him.
"Not well. Not well at all. Every waking moment, I feel so out of control. So helpless. It's like Dan is back and I can do nothing about it. I don't know why but I have been thinking so much about him ever since. Every time something bad happened, I had him to blame and this time, I didn't," he admitted.
I moved closer to him and gave him a hug. He grew stiff in my arms before melting and accepting the warmth and embrace that I was giving him. "It's not your fault. It still feels like mine, I'm sorry. But it's definitely not yours."
"Brooke, you were selfless. You didn't raise a hand and took all the punching so that you couldn't hurt Lindsey's defenceless child," he reminded me.
"But I did hurt my defenceless child. I hurt it so bad, it died," I cried.
"Okay, but if you even knew that you were pregnant. Would you be okay with hurting Lindsey back?" He asked me.
"No! She is very very pregnant. Anything would hurt her baby. But, I would've tried to save mine too. I would've at least attempted to shield my belly," I said, feeling its flattened surface from above my tee.
"You do realise, Lindsey killed it, right? Not you. It's the puncher, not the defender. Otherwise, I become responsible for every time my dad took a swing at me because I failed at defending myself better," he told me.
"Shit. I never thought of it that way. Thanks," I said to him. "Luke, are we going to be okay?"
"Do you want to now?" He asked, knowing that I didn't want to and wanted to call it quits again.
"You're the best thing in my life and I know what I said and I felt but I'm afraid to lose you," I admitted. "The girl in the hospital was the version which needs guys to sleep and urghh, she is a mess."
"What does this version of Brooke want?" He asked.
"To kiss you," I replied.
He sighed. "Look, I just don't trust you to have reached there yet. I am afraid that it's all great right now and you think you can blow off the retreat and once we go back to Tree Hill, or LA, it's all going to come back again and hit with a stronger force as there is nothing saving you from the currents. I don't want to get my hopes up yet. I am not there yet. I'm losing my mind over not having my phone. The PIs could have found Lindsey and there is no way for me to know because we are here! I am not in control and I can't be and you know how much I struggled with not having control thanks to Dan."
"Do you want to control me again?" I offered. "I mean it is weird what we did but we were teenaged babies trying to be adults. If it helps you feel good, we could, uhh, you know. I can comply."
"Oh no, Brooke. I wouldn't do that again. No, I'm fine and you're great," he said, rubbing my thigh. "Look, for the duration of the retreat, can we just wait and do the work individually and together, the way the program calls for it and then once I'm healed some and you're healed some, I'll kiss you deep and hard because I do want to. I just don't want it to be the last one. Also, I really hope that when we return, our world hasn't turned upside down."
"You and me both," I said, leaning in again. "Sleep on the bed with me tonight? Not because I need you but because I want you."
"Yes," he smiled. "Let's get ready and continue with our schedule. After we grab a bite though."
And that's just what we did. We trusted the process and did the work to get out of our hopelessness and despair.
"Retreat is over, how do you feel B. Davis?" Lucas asked me as the bellboy took our bags out.
"Like living. Oh, I can't wait to see the kids!" I replied. "But can we stop to tell thanks to Cynthia first? I want to send her a dress as a thank-you present."
"Yeah," he said, holding my hand as we walked to her office.
We hugged her and thanked her.
"It was a pleasure being a part of your journey. Also, can I say how nervous I was when I got you two? It was my first celebrity couple and obviously the world doesn't know what happened with you," she confessed.
"We aren't that famous. Reese Witherspoon is famous. Shakespeare is famous. We are just Brooke and Lucas," I said because I really didn't feel that famous. There were people a million times more famous than me.
"Great, she compares herself with a hot actress and me with a dead guy who didn't know about the existence of a comb!" Lucas joked.
"Whom you calling hot!" I yelled at him playfully.
"Of course you, honey. Reese has got nothing on you," I answered sarcastically.
"Good, I'll be sure to let her know that when I see her next. Her current movie is in post-production so they will be contacting me soon for a premiere dress, I'm sure," I smiled.
"You know Reese!" Both, he and Cynthia screamed simultaneously.
"Yeah. I make couture. I work with all the A-Listers looking for what to wear at their next appearance!" I reminded them.
"And she never takes me! Never!" He complained. "Maybe we need another week with you Cynthia!"
"Uhh, by the way, Reese isn't a big fan of you. She thinks that you're crazy to have let me go. But anyhoo, come on. Let's go," I said before pulling his hand and walking out.
"Wait, is that why none of my books has ever been picked by her book club!" he complained.
"Dude, it's mainly for women-centric stories by women authors. But, maybe..." I laughed. "I liked her sticking out for me!"
"Hey B, before we go there is one more thing I have to do," he said to me once we were out at the main entrance.
"Luke, we'll miss our flight," I complained.
"It won't take long," he said and put his hand on the small of my back, dipped me down and kissed me deep and hard. Electric jolts shot up and down my spine, as his wet lips crashed on mine. I swung my arms around his neck and kissed him back in perfect sync. It was deep and long as it reminded me of what I had missed for the last two months. God, I had missed his lips.
When he made me straight again, he planted another kiss on my cheek which felt so sweet and pure that I blushed. "Okay, let's go now!"
