Kate feels groggy and nauseous when she wakes up, the lump in her throat from all the crying threatening to suffocate her. She feels like she's been hit by a train, as if she slept way too much or barely enough, probably the latter with all the sleep deprivation.
Her mouth feels as dry as if she's eaten sand, desperately needs something to drink.

She doesn't need to open her eyes to know that he's gone and she's alone. Of course. Why would he stay when she's asleep?

With a groan - ugh, her head hurts - she opens her eyes, surprised by the darkness, only one soft glow lighting up the room. He switched on the lamp on his bedside. Ugh, his bedside. She wishes. How long did she sleep?

She turns to the other side, and a cup with a sticky note awaits her on her nightstand. It's too dark to read it, so she grabs it and pulls it into the light.
Drink me, Sleeping Beauty.

Castle. The smile on her lips makes her heart leap as she softly ghosts over the letters in his handwriting.

Slowly, she rises to drink from the cup, craving the liquid, her whole body dried out. It's ginger tea, gone cold, and she loves him just for being so thoughtful.

It gives her hope, even though her heart is still aching from how he's here with her but not at the same time.

She remembers the way he looked at her in the bathtub when he thought she was sleeping, his eyes so full of love and adoration, yearning and grief it nearly broke her heart. At that moment, she saw how much she had broken his heart with what she did. She tried to brighten his mood with a joke but she only ruined the moment, made him retreat further away from her. It felt as if he'd dumped a bucket full of ice water over her after the warmth of his eyes on her.

She longs for him to be not only physically present but also emotionally, to let her back in. It devastates her, how much she hurt this wonderful man, makes her panic the more he draws back, the weight of the pregnancy pressing her down, suffocating her, and even though he takes her hand, she still can't catch her breath.

Groaning, she rubs over her pounding head, she's being ungrateful. All he asked for was time. He didn't throw her out, he didn't even ask when she had to leave. Hm. Why hasn't he?

She puts the empty cup back on her nightstand, waiting for the nausea to subside again, closing her eyes. Her hand wanders to the side on which Castle was, holding her as she cried herself to sleep. The sheets are crumbled but cold. He must've gone a while ago already. Of course, the tea probably was once hot and now ice cold. And it was still light outside. But somehow, she had hoped that he'd come back to her, stay with her while she sleeps, look at her like he did in the bathroom, skim his pinky over the rim of her underwear, ghosting the place where their baby grows. But of course, he's not here. They are far from something as intimate at this.

Right then, his laughter echoes through the house, probably cooking with Rosie in the kitchen, making her heart sting with jealousy and longing. She craves to laugh with him in the kitchen, cooking together, too. Her door opens, and she flinches, staring at Castle strolling through it, a smile on his lips, a steaming cup in his hands. He stops when he sees her, but his smile doesn't fall. Instead, it seems to grow a bit.

"You're awake! That's good." He comes to her, lifts the cup, and puts it on her nightstand. "I made you a fresh tea, hoping this one doesn't get cold."

"You made me tea?" She knows she sounds dumbfounded, too surprised to see him here with a fresh cup instead of having fun with Rosie, he raises an eyebrow in confusion.

"Uh. Yeah. Ginger. Figured your stomach might be upset after not eating for so long. And I wanted to switch the cold one." He settles on her bed, right next to her legs, watching her closely, obviously not happy with what he sees. He extends his arm, brushes his cold finger over her pounding forehead, and she sighs, closes her eyes at the welcoming, cooling touch of his fingers. "Damn, you're hot. I already assumed from your glazed eyes."

"Thanks, Castle," she croaks, "Way to charm a lady." He grins, but the worried look on his face doesn't vanish.

"When do you need to be back in New York?"

"What day is it? Montgomery forced me to take overtime until Friday, and I have the weekend off regularly."

"Tuesday. You don't have a flight back yet?"

She just shakes her head, closes her eyes, and revels in the cooling feeling of his hand that he still presses on her aching head.

"Oh, you drank the old tea! Good girl. How are you feeling? Are you hungry?" She suppresses a groan, rolls her eyes, and glares at him. Can't he be quiet for only a second? She instantly regrets it, it makes her head only hurt more and he doesn't deserve her glare, she's happy that he's here, that he's trying to take care of her.

"Okay, you can roll your eyes, so it's not that bad. Head hurts? Yeah, figured. Here, have some hot tea," he places the cup in her hand, and she takes a sip just to please him, but the warmth pleases her stomach as well. "Tell me when you're hungry. I prepared my world-famous chicken soup for you. Alexis wants to have it every single time she's sick."

"Why?" It comes out wrong, she wants to ask why he made her chicken soup when he only just found out that she's apparently getting sick. She opens her mouth to correct herself, but he beats her to it.

"You were shivering in your sleep and getting warmer at the same time, so I figured it might be a good idea." She raises her eyes to meet his, but he averts them, almost shyly. Why would he …

"You stayed?" He draws his eyebrows together as if he doesn't understand the question, but then he lets out a sigh.

"I stayed. I only got up to make the soup after Rosie came back from grocery shopping." Her heart starts to dance, flooding her with warmth.

"Grocery shopping? How long was I asleep?" He takes a look at his watch.

"It's almost nine now, so a little more than eight hours. You looked like you needed it. Though, I came to wake you for something to eat. I remember that Meredith needed to snack all the time to fight her nausea in the first couple of weeks. It would get really bad if she left out some snacks. So I figured, it doesn't hurt to get some good chicken soup into your stomach as well." He shrugs self-deprecating and her heart aches for him.

"How could she let you go?", she whispers without thinking, causing his face to turn into a mask and him to turn away, his hands falling in his lap, instantly tied to a knot. Cursing herself she drinks the tea, enjoying the warmth sliding down her throat, racking her brain around what she could say to make him feel better, how she can ease the suffocating silence between them. She flinches, almost spills her tea, when he suddenly starts to speak again.

"Yeah, well. Guess that I couldn't give her what she wanted. It's a long story." Castle sighs heavily, rubs his hand over his forehead, stands up and her heart panics. She ruined it, of course, she ruined it. They were finally making some progress and she had to ruin it with her stupid question. She troubles her bottom lip, flinches when her teeth hit the raw flesh of her chapped lips. "Do you feel strong enough to eat with me on the couch or shall I bring you a bowl of soup?" Eat with him? She raises her eyes to meet his soft gaze.

"I'll come." She quickly empties her cup, gratefully lets Castle take it from her hands, their hands gently brushing, eliciting a warm shiver. And she doesn't hide what reaction she has to his touches, lets him see the goosebumps on her arm. It feels so good to not have to hide her feelings anymore. Maybe she should've done it earlier.

"We can also eat together here if you want. But getting up for a bit might be good for your circulation. We could also watch a movie?" Her lips curve up to one of the biggest smiles, her heart dancing tango in her chest at the hopeful tilt in his voice.

"I see where this is going. Trying to ravish me, Castle, huh?" She throws back the covers, slips her legs out of the bed, and stops immediately.

He chuckles softly. "Why, Detective Beckett, afraid of my charm? What? What's wrong, Kate?" Heat is burning in her cheeks as she studies her naked legs. She completely forgot. All this time he laid behind her, softly rubbed her back to soothe her, she was naked. She was naked in the bathroom earlier, angry at his modesty, delighted when he looked at her naked body when he thought she slept, why is this suddenly such a big deal for her? He's so worried he doesn't even realize it.

"I – Uh." She searches for her bag in the room. Where did she leave it? Ah, by the door. But she … she can't ask him to get a shirt and fresh underwear for her. That would be way too intimate. He'd love to do it, but that's something she for once is not ready for yet. "Could you maybe wait outside? I … uh. I need to get dressed." His eyes go wide, reflexively he lets his gaze wander over her naked body, causing his eyes to widen even more before he comes to his senses again and quickly averts his gaze, stumbling to his feet and out of the door, leaving her to burst into laughter. She always feared that he would see all the flaws on her body compared to all the models and starlets he dated, but even though he's seen her naked three times now before, he's still amazed, still in shock and still trying to be the gentleman. Her cheeks still burn, but this time for a different reason.

She stands up and gets dressed without any problems, the sleep, the good food, Castle's teas, and his good care doing wonders for her despite the little fever she has, and stepping out the door, she almost collides with him.

"Castle? What are you doing here? Were you eavesdropping? For what?" She asks as his face turns red and guilty, hiding her smile behind her biting her lip. He averts his gaze, looks down at the cups he still holds in one of his hands, busing himself nervously.

"I … uh … only wanted to make sure that you're okay." Warmth floods her body again, warmth for his care, for his real presence this time. And without overthinking it, she wraps her arm around his, leans into him - without her heels, she has to get on her toes –, and presses a kiss on his cheek with a mumbled thank you, watching in delight the shiver that runs through his body.

"Okay, I'm pretty hungry now, can we go or do you need to burn a hole in the ground with your eyes?" She teases, softly nudges him with her hip, and he looks at her stunned.

"No, of course, we can go." He doesn't shake off her arm, he doesn't do anything to get away from her, instead, he leads her to the couch, insists that she rests, and chooses the movie while he gets the food. With the food and the movie she's chosen, they get comfortable on the couch and he doesn't flinch when she comes closer and leans into him, her head on his shoulder. But she can sense that something is troubling him.

He spills when they are halfway through the movie, her eyes already drooping, she's pretty sure she missed the last dialogue.

"Kate … The baby …", he starts and she lifts her head to look at him, but he's staring at his kneading fingers, so she just waits, but nothing comes.

"What about the baby?" Her heart beats fast and loud, hammers against her ribcage. What comes next? Is he questioning his paternity again? Has he changed his mind? The time he takes to answer her is killing her.

"I … uh … I just … How do you feel about it?" How does she feel about it? He doesn't mean … that … he … no, right? She takes a shuddering breath, her voice barely a whisper, strangled by the shock.

"Are you asking me if I want an abortion?" Castle untangles himself from her, stands up to pace in front of the couch, the movie still running in the background, but none of them is able to pay attention.

"I … I don't know how to ask this, Kate …" Her heart stops, her whole world feels like it's slowly tilting and she's about to fall tens of thousands of meters.

"Do you want me to have an abortion?" He stops and stares at her, eyes wide with horror, mouth agape. Of course. It would be the easiest option. She never asked him if he wanted more kids. If he regrets having Alexis. If he would've chosen differently. What did he say tonight? He and Meredith ended badly, they already started badly and how worse can it become? Then he's all over her, his hands are on her hands, his eyes are in her eyes, his face in her face. He dropped to the ground right before her.

"No, Kate. NO. I'd never ask this of you. Never. It's your body, your decision, I go along with whatever you decide. I just … I don't know what you really want, Kate. Or if you're having doubts." She shakes him off, needs space to breathe, to think, before she knows it, she's the one doing the pacing now, getting more and more agitated.

"Doubts? I have like a million doubts. Am I cut out to be a mother? Can I love my child the way my mom loved me? Can I give a child what it needs? Is my job too dangerous to be a mom? Will it work between us? Will you love this baby? Will Alexis love her sibling? Is there even room in your heart for a baby with me? Will this baby ruin us? Will it feel loved? Do you want to hear more? I can keep going. But there is one thing, I never doubted, despite the near panic attacks I was having – if I want this baby. If I'm going to keep it. Because the answer to this is and will always be yes. What about you and Alexis? Was there a moment you wanted to kill her?" He flinches at the harshness of her words, at the volume she threw them at his head.

"Never," is all he declares firmly and rises to meet her, stopping her pacing to make her look at him, his hands suddenly cup her chin, his thumb brushing tears away she didn't know she was crying. "And I'll never regret this baby. I'm in this." Her knees give out under her in relief, but he's quick to catch her, press her against his body, her head directly over the heavy and fast beating of his heart, feels the rumble of his voice when he starts talking again.

"Meredith regretted her decision. Alexis wasn't planned. Meredith and I met after … I just had my first bestseller, had more money was good for me, and went clubbing every night. I was throwing money around, everybody wanted to be my friend, and one of them was Meredith. We instantly clicked, had an intense chemistry, the sex was crazy, we had fun, but that was all there was.

"Then she got pregnant. At first, she was like 'It's going to be fun, Rick!'," he mimics her pipy voice almost perfectly, "but it quickly stopped to be fun. I can't blame her, she was miserable in the first months of the pregnancy with lots of nausea, the strangest cravings at the strangest hours, and she was talking more and more about how stressful it is, how much she misses going out, have fun, how the pregnancy ruined her body and she'll never land a roll again and I'll have to pay for her surgeries, which I did, massively.

"She started joking about having an abortion, then she grew more serious, but by that time it was already too late. It would've been illegal. So she went along with it, had more fun once the nausea stopped, went out again, sometimes she came home lit, almost as if she pretended, she wasn't pregnant, I don't want to know what exactly she did – thank god it didn't harm Alexis."

Kate has to swallow at that, not understanding how a mother can do something like that, Castle probably has her story to explain it, even though the pain in his voice almost physically hurts her. Slowly, she untangles herself from him, trusting her legs again, desperate to see his face.

"After Alexis was born, she completely shut us out. She had a planned c-section, refusing to breastfeed Alexis because of the damage it does to her breasts, refusing to hold her, because of the pain she was in, always having another excuse the next time. I can count down the times she actually held Alexis on one hand, Kate." His voice breaks at that, breaks for his daughter and the missing love of a mother, a tear slips from under his lashes, this time she cups his face, brushes away the tear, and continues her soothing strokes over his cheek, his day-old gruff poking in her skin.

"A few weeks after the birth, she was already out, coming home drunk and high, was chasing after auditions and big roles. Alexis was perfect for showing her around, but that's all there was. She loved being seen with her outside, loved the attention you get with a baby. But apart from that we've barely seen her. I was all alone with Alexis, she cried all the time, probably because she felt the rejection, the abandonment of her mother. I promise you, whatever happens between us, I'll never reject or abandon my child, Kate. It will always have me, Alexis, and Mother. That's why I had to ask, had to know that you're sure. I can't do this to a child again, Kate."

She can feel how important it is to him, remembers that he grew up without a father as well, that he had lots of father figures. And her heart aches and grows for him at the same time.

"And I know I said that I'll stand by your decision and support you … but to be honest … I want you to have my baby, Kate." It's barely more than a whisper, a sweet confession that floods her with love for this man. She chuckles softly, her smile so wide, the corners of her mouth start to ache as her index finger wanders to his lip, tracing the contours, she can feel his breath catching, his gaze intense as it starts dancing with hers.

"I love you." It just slips out of her mouth, easy and breathless, warm and honest. And they both freeze at her confession.


Felt like I was torturing them enough, they deserved to have an honest conversation. What do you think how will Castle react to her confession? Uhh, so exciting.

Love to hear your thoughts. Reading your comments to every chapter makes my days soo much more beautiful and my heart soar. 3