Episode 15: Suicidal
June 3rd. That was the day. The very day in which the clumsy and withdrawn Luigi marries the adroit and outspoken Daisy, the princess of Sarasaland. You couldn't ask for a more polar opposite soon-to-be married couple than this.
Luigi didn't want everyone to know the date yet; he would tell only certain brawlers. The first person he told was Cloud, because he knew the swordsman wouldn't go about telling anyone what date the wedding would take place because of his apathy and lack of carelessness. Then Luigi told Pikachu and Jigglypuff, since their lack of capabilities concerning the English language would make them unable to spread any information. Snake was also informed - the former spy likely forgot the information after Luigi told him, as the plumber had hoped.
And now Luigi's older twin brother Mario knows the date. Mario told Master Hand, and Master Hand told someone else, and soon the information spread throughout the mansion like a wildfire blazing across the Pacific Northwest.
With the date of the wedding now ingrained in the brain of every brawler (except for Snake), many of the brawlers took the time to prepare Luigi for the wedding earlier than expected. Doing so would make the plumber feel a lot more comfortable when the day comes. Marth happened to be one of those brawlers, and he was discussing things with Luigi inside the plumber's room.
"The only reason why I'm helping you is because I'm the only person at the mansion that is currently married," stated the Hero King. Unless you're like the brawlers and completely forgotten this factoid, Marth is married to Caeda. She is but a minor character in Fire Emblem history, so you can't blame everyone for getting Marth's martial status mixed up. "In order to get you ready for your big wedding, we must fill out a checklist of objectives. First objective - work on a budget. How much are you willing to spend on the wedding?"
"Is $35 million out-a of our range?" asked Luigi, chuckling nervously. Marth gave the plumber a blank stare - $34 million is way out of the budget. Ain't no way Master Hand is spending such a gaudy amount for a wedding!
Marth: $35 million... *shakes his head* $35 million...What does Luigi think he is, Prince William? He thinks he's gonna ride on some state carriage with Daisy throughout Seattle, and have street parties throughout the state of Washington? Or even worse - a giant statue of him and Daisy would be built in their likeness in the middle of the city! If you ask me, statues have become overrated as of late; when was the last time you ever had a discussion about the Statue of Liberty?
"Sure, $35 million sounds-a like a lot of money, but it will compensate for all of the guests!" explained Luigi. In his pocket was a guest list he has been working on for the longest now, and at the point he is right now, he's unable to stick his list inside his small pocket.
"Speaking of which, the guest list is the second objective on our checklist," stated Marth. "Have you considered any invites?"
"Oh, did I!" Luigi pulled out his guest list...which landed on the floor, rolled out of the room and through the hallways and down the steps, until it finally finished unraveling itself at the first floor in the foyer. Take away the writing on it, and one could easily mistake this list as toilet paper.
"Ooh, conveniently placed toilet paper, just what I need!" exclaimed King Dedede, who was present in the foyer. The penguin tore off a piece of the list, and brought it with him to the bathroom. "Hmm, I wonder why all these names are on here...why is Professor E. Gadd's name listed?"
"...We'll have to trim down the guest list later," said Marth. His intentions regarding the wedding involves making it the best day in Luigi's and Daisy's lives, he's not here to break any unofficial wedding records! "Next, we have to find the venue for the wedding. Have you thought of anything?"
"I was thinking about-a this," Luigi held up a brochure for the Olympic Sculpture Park, located within Seattle. It had nine acres, and included a sculpture museum and a beach. Seemed like a nifty venue for the wedding.
"The decor and landscape looks awfully nice...I shall take this location into consideration. Now the last thing we need to take care of for today is finding the officiant for the wedding." Officiants are individuals who perform the wedding activities; they usually say stuff like, "Do you take so-and-so as your lovely wife/husband..." at the wedding, and then they order you to kiss your bride/groom in front of those who might be creepily watching you kiss your spouse.
"Where-a on earth are we gonna find an-a officiant? We only have-a two or so months-a to spare!"
"Finding a suitable officant will be one of the more harder objectives on our checklist. It will be hard to find the perfect guy to serve that role. My goal is to have Chrom serve as the officiant as a last resort, hopefully he'll come around..."
Luigi knew that enticing Chrom would be hard to do, especially given the role he would be offered. The swordsman tries to stray away from anything remotely romantic - he still despises being considered a "romantic expert" - and his current martial status could be a major attribute for why he tends to do so.
Zero: So I did some exploring in the fifth floor earlier this week, and I saw a medium-sized at the end of the hall. I suggested to Master Hand that we should move the recording studio from the third floor to the room I discovered on the fifth floor, so Knuckles and Little Mac wouldn't have to worry about going down to the third floor, and he was down with my suggestion. It would be very convenient for not only them, but for Fox and Falco as well. Since the room where the recording studio was had become available, I asked Master Hand if I could turn the room into some sort of workshop, and he quickly obliged!
Inside the newly created workshop, Zero was working on a new invention. This invention would change the very landscape of the world - the universe even - and in order for the invention to successful, the robot must first perfect its prototype. Many successful things and people have started off as prototypes - just look at John Cena, his ring name was "The Prototype" when he started wrestling, and look at him now - a multiple time WWE champion, and the undisputed champion of Internet memes.
"Sup Zero what are you working on?" Sonic walked inside the workshop. Knowing him, he's probably just being overly noisy.
"I'm working on a new invention," explained Zero. Nothing new here; Zero is always working hard, either repairing machinery or creating a new one. "It's a new-age printer that prints whatever you say into a built-in mic. Kinda works as a vocal typewriter in a way."
"Ew, you're inventing a printer? So lame!" Like you can invent something better...but we all know you can't, because you don't have the intelligence nor the patience to commit to making a new invention. "Did you give it a name yet? Is that the name at the top? Let's see what it says..."
"No don't read it out loud!" Zero covered the name of the printer, which was imprinted at the very top. "It's a security precaution. Something bad will happen if you say the name!"
"Yeah right. Saying the name of a lousy printer sounds like the most harmless thing ever."
"But not for this one. If you were to say the 'Vocalized Efficiency Printer 3500' out loud, then the printer will...aw crap."
Thanks to Zero, the Vocalized Efficiency Printer 3500 self-destructed, and millions of printer pieces rained over Sonic and Zero. All that work Zero had committed to inventing the prototype and perfecting it was now gone to waste.
"Quick question: why the number 3500?" Sonic asked Zero, who was glaring the hedgehog down. "Did you work on 3499 other printers, and they all self-destructed just like this one?" As great of a robot as Zero is, he wouldn't have all the time and willpower in the world to invent over 3000 printers.
"Get out of my workshop..." Zero seethed. Rarely is the robot angry, which must make Sonic one of the seldom people to tick him off.
"Um, does this workshop belong to everyone else? Just because this room was your idea doesn't mean that..."
"I said GET OUT!" Zero yelled at the top of his robotic lungs. Sonic scampered out of the room as Zero breathed heavily from the act of frustration he enacted on Sonic...now it was back to square one on the printer. But before Zero restarts his work on the prototype, he has some business to take care of...
Mario's date with Peach at McDonald's (of all places) was in a week. To keep his mind ready and focused in time for his date with the woman of his life, Mario played chess with King K. Rool. Don't take the Kremling's grotesque and gnarly visage for granted; he's an absolute beast at chess, and can beat you at your game. Just don't make any verbal jabs at his teeth, or giant eyes, and it'll be fair game.
"Ooh what a nice move!" Rool gleamed as Mario moved his knight near the Kremling's king, thereby putting him in check. Rool now had limited options - one bad move, and it's all over.
King K. Rool: The knight is the most underrated piece in chess; all the other ones are vastly overrated. "Look at me, I'm a bishop, I can move diagonally, only to get taken out by the queen in the fewest number of moves possible!" Can't believe the bishop and the knight have the same value, give me a break...at least the knight moves cooler...it moves in a freaking letter shape! The way it moves, so sexy and fine...just thinking about it gets me all aroused...
Rool analyzed the battlefield before him. His king was now cornered by not only a bishop, but now by a knight as well. Should he take out the bishop and risk getting himself in check again, or move out of harm's way? The Kremling knew what to do...
"YOLO!" Rool yelled, going forth with the former option; he took the bishop out, and took his space. But little did he know that he had essentially placed himself in checkmate.
"Ha ha, you-a lost again!" taunted Mario. The plumber is currently on a winning streak, and has added another win to his win total.
"Ah well," Rool shrugged, "43rd time's the charm." Rool lost 43 chess matches?! He's supposed to be a better chess player than this, he's supposed to be one of the best in the mansion! Can't have Mario steal your thunder like that!
"Mario can I have a word with you?" Zero approached the plumber. Since the chess match has ended, now would be the perfect time to converse with Mario.
"Sure-a thing, what's up?" Mario is perhaps one of the most easiest guys to get along with; if you were to told him you crashed his car into a telephone pole, he would give a consoling smile (or a half-smile, depending on how badly damaged his car is).
"Sonic has been more annoying than usual lately...today he caused me to make the newest invention, a printer, I was working on self-destruct on his own, and because of him..."
"How did he make you cause the printer's self-destruction?" Mario raised an eyebrow. A lack of information and details has already made Zero's story confusing.
"Also, why invent a new printer?" Rool chimed in. "Couldn't you try to invent a riding hoverboard, or anything else cool like that?"
"Well I think it's an awesome invention, it's never been done before, it can print whatever you say into a mic, and..."
"Yeah a riding hoverboard sounds cooler." Rool has a bunch of henchmen at his lair, maybe he can order them to invent a riding hoverboard. However, they're dumber their rocks - which is a major insult to rocks in itself - so what's the point?
Zero: Hoverboards, I'm doing as much to stay away from. The normal hoverboards that people are using today are an epidemic and a plague to society - people are either using them to satisfy their lazy indulgences, or they're falling off of them and hurting themselves. How hoverboards caught on within popular culture, as well as those new dance crazes the crazy urban kids come up with, is a concept I'm still trying to wrap my head around.
"In response to Sonic's annoyances, I was thinking..." Zero continued. "...would it be a good idea to ban him from the mansion?"
Mario looked at the robot, his face appalled with dismay. Sonic, one of the most recognizable video characters in history, banned from the mansion? Not even King K. Rool could fathom this!
"Why would-a we want to do that-a for?" asked Mario, wondering if Zero was a little insane in the membrane.
"No it's nothing drastic, it would only be a temporary ban," clarified Zero. The degree in which he proposed his idea was way higher than he wanted it to be. "Just kick Sonic out of the mansion for a few days, and once he learns his lesson and stops being annoying, we'll let him back in."
"Hmmm..." Mario stroked his chin, thinking over Zero's idea. Sonic would absolutely struggle outside all by himself, he would have no drive or intention to do things. But on the other hand, he could give his girlfriend Amy Rose a visit...if Amy wasn't such an obsessive girlfriend. "I'll tell Master Hand-a about your idea, he'll have-a the final say."
"Don't mind if I intervene in this conversation, but what about Lloyd?" asked Rool. As you might now by now, Lloyd is perhaps the most insufferable person in the mansion, even more so than Wario. "He's just as annoying as Sonic, if not worse!"
"Lloyd is a lost-a cause, temporarily banning him won't-a do a thing."
Link was outside near the mansion's lake, fishing with Villager, Red the Pokemon Trainer, and Cloud. Cloud of all people was present because A) he and Link are obviously best friends, B) he wants to get into fishing, and C) it was the only thing he could do without being bothered as much.
"Seriously, another Feebas?" Red grimaced as he reeled the fish Pokemon out of the lake and threw it at the pile of Feebas and Magikarp, which will topple over the Pokemon trainer any given second. Today is obviously not Red's day, no interesting find for him.
Red: Someone must be at the bottom of that lake dictating who catches what! It can only explain why I keep catching all the crappy water-type Pokemon, and losers like Cloud and Link catch Pokemon like Relicanth and Lanturn! And Relicanth is supposed to be a rare Pokemon, why does Cloud have three already?
Villager: Because he's more patient, and unlike you, doesn't pull the bait out after five seconds since "nothing exciting is happening"? I catch the same Pokemon as you, and you don't see me...
Red: Aw, shut up, you catch Magikarp and Feebas because they're ugly, and they're attracted to hideous people just like yourself!
Villager: So going by your theory, you're hideous too, right?
Red:...I'm the only exception!
Link threw his bobber into the lake, and immediately drew out a Floatzel. Unlike Red, Link has been on absolute fire today.
"Floatzel!" the sea weasel Pokemon cried. A large Pokemon like this one would be no fit for the pile of cool water-type Pokemon Link has already caught; what should the hero of Hyrule do with his catch?
"Oh Link!" Zelda called out his boyfriend's name. "May I speak with you for a minute?" When you're in a relationship, you have to make dire sacrifices, and now Link has to sacrifice his time fishing with the others.
"I'll watch over your Pokemon for you while you're away," Cloud said to his Hylian buddy. His number one task of this minor duty is to ensure that Red doesn't capture the Floatzel out of envy and jealousy.
"Thanks," Link replied as he headed over to Zelda, who took the Hylian somewhere near the mansion where they could not be seen. "What is it now?"
"You know how to drive, do you? Well, I've been taking this into heavy consideration, and...I want to learn how to drive."
Link slowly began to tear up when Zelda told him this. At first, the princess assumed that her boyfriend was proud of her decision about wanting to drive; Peach and Daisy do it, so why not her? But Zelda's assumption quickly died down when Link burst into tears...laughing.
"Oh man, oh man..." Link said, starting to cool down a bit. "I sure do love me a good April Fools joke...thanks for the laugh Zelda, I really needed one."
"Link I'm being serious. I'm tired of having to be driven all over the place." The way Zelda stated this shows how darn serious she is about riding behind the wheel.
"Okay I'll take it into consideration..." When Link said this, Zelda grabbed the Hylian's tunic and pulled her boyfriend close to her face. Now she's getting real serious.
"Listen to me Link! Does it look like I want to be catered around everywhere for the rest of my life?! Teach me how to drive Link, just this once!"
"...We shall start today!" proclaimed Link, prompting Zelda to let go of her tunic. That's a little episode Link probably doesn't want to experience again.
"When shall we get started? There's so much information for me to learn!"
"You can start off by studying this," Link whipped out a driver's manual. We won't question why Link even has the manual in his possession, but he carries a lot of unnecessary stuff with him everywhere he goes. "Meet me in my room at 5 o' clock, and we'll discuss the important details..."
In the previous episode, you seen Viridi join Pit in pranking to get on his side of things. Today it's the other way around - Pit was in the mansion's gardens with Viridi so he could get on her side of things. Gotta stay on the same page!
Viridi: So it's finally official...we're finally a fully competent couple!
Pit: What do you mean by "finally official"? Did somebody already preconceive our relationship?
Viridi: Oh I don't know... *sarcastically eyes around* People might have been paying too close to us!
Pit: People like Captain Falcon...betcha he's watching us at this very moment, taking notes on his notepad so he'll know how to conduct himself with his nonexistent girlfriend!
(Watching Pit and Viridi from afar in the bushes during their talking head segment was Captain Falcon, writing down notes on a notepad. After hearing Pit's remark, the race car driver grumpily gets out of his hiding spot and walks away.)
Viridi: But this is just only the beginning. Our relationship is sure to blossom from this point onward!
Pit: Must you always make flower puns like that?
Viridi: Awww, I know you like them! *pinches Pit's cheek*
Pit: And must you persist on pinching my cheek with every chance you get...?
Viridi: You'll get used to it someday, sweet buns!
"Does this garden have any man-eating plants?" Pit asked Viridi. "You know, the plants that have sharp teeth and occasionally spit fire?"
"You mean the Piranha Plants?" said Viridi. "Oh no, they're too dangerous to be placed here!" The Piranha Plants already give Mario and Luigi a hard time, who knows what problems they would have for the other brawlers...
"Hey bub!" Bowser confronted Pit in the gardens. He was no longer on crutches, which means he can move about freely like the the villain he is. "Don't think I forgot about your dumb prank you tried to pull on me not that long ago!"
"Um, wasn't that last week?" Pit raised an eyebrow. Gotta give the angle some credit; he may be dumb, but at least he can keep track of time! "Couldn't you have avenged me earlier?"
"I was still pretty hurt at the time, cut me some slack! Now you must pay..." Bowser's mouth began to flare up, indicating that he was about to blow some wicked fire at Pit. The angel had to act fast!
"Out of the way!" Pit grabbed Viridi and rushed to the side as Bowser fired a fireball at his direction, only to hit a eloquent plant after Pit moved out of the way. But this wasn't just some ordinary plant - this was a giant dahlia, a huge favorite of Viridi's, perhaps her favorite plant - and now it was burned into ashes.
"MY DAHLIA!" the goddess of nature cried as she ran to whatever remained of her precious dahlia, holding the ashes in her hands and weeping. Somebody's going to have to pay for this...
"Have a great rest of your day," Bowser smirked evilly at Pit as he departed from the garden. Pit glared him down intensively, seriously ticked off at the Koopa King for the treacherous thing he had done. He then went over to Viridi, seeing his love sobbing profusely, and placed a hand on her shoulder. "It'll be okay Viridi, everything will be alright..."
"It won't be alright!" Viridi snapped at Pit. Hard for Pit to see her devastated like this... "That dahlia plant was the only plant I cared about the most, and now it's gone forever, and I'll never have the pleasure to take care of it ever again..."
"Well...if you like, I can get you another dahlia plant for you, it will be just like the old one..."
"You'll do that for me?!" Viridi gleamed, her eyes no longer watering, but widening in utter delight. Pit has entered what is known as the "Boyfriend Trust Abyss" - by proposing a favor to Viridi, Pit must now stand by his word, and fulfill his favor, otherwise he would shatter his trust with Viridi forever (or at least for a certain period of time). Pit has dug himself in a giant hole that he will most likely never get out of in time, if he doesn't act quickly.
"Uh sure...anything for my awesome girlfriend!" Responses like the one Pit just said will do nothing but harm within the "Boyfriend Trust Abyss". If he wants to stay out of trouble, he would be best to keep his mouth shut...
Mario was in the printing room, making a giant sign to put outside the mansion. This sign had a picture of Sonic's head on it, and it read "NO BLUE HEDGEHOGS ARE ALLOWED IN THIS MANSION". Mario is so darn inconsiderate - what if there was another blue hedgehog like Sonic, and they wanted to enter the mansion? Not all blue hedgehogs are an annoyance!
"What are you working on?" Peach came into the printing room, curious as to what Mario was working on. She saw the sign, and feared for the worst. "You're not getting rid of of Sonic, are you?" The tone of her voice was an indication of great concern.
"Whoever said-a that I was getting rid-a of Sonic?" Mario furrowed his brow. "I'm-a only temporarily banning him!"
"Same thing if you ask me..."
Mario: What does Peach know about banning and getting rid of being the same thing! Some blonde she's supposed to be...Peach, if you ever see this, I didn't mean a thing I said, I still love you!
"Sonic's ban won't-a be for long," said Mario, putting on the finishing touches on the sign. All he needs to do now is get Master Hand's approval of the sign, a difficult task in itself. "He's known-a for being rather annoying; once he comes-a to his senses and realizes his-a faults, we will welcome-a him back inside."
"You can't push Sonic out of the mansion like that, he would be absolutely hopeless!" fretted Peach. "His survival skills are not the greatest, he would die of starvation before he finds a chili dog! It's the only thing he would eat!"
"Exactly why he's-a receiving a temporary ban, it will teach-a him that there's more to life-a than just eating chili dogs! He'll survive-a on fruits, and..." Mario struggled to think of anything else Sonic would eat out in the wild. He would say mushrooms, but most mushrooms are poisonous. "...he'll mostly survive on-a fruits!"
"Done with the sign Mario?" Popo stuck his head through the printing room door. Nana was accompanying him - regardless of their relationship (siblings, lovers, or just best friends), these two will always be sticking by each other's side.
"Sure am!" Mario gave the sign to the Ice Climbers. "Take this-a to Master Hand right away!" Peach fearfully looked on, wondering if temporarily banning Sonic would be such a good idea.
"Will do!" Nana gave Mario a salute, and the Ice Climbers ran off with the sign. But little did they - and Mario and Peach - know that Sonic was unsuspectingly standing outside the printing room, without being noticed at all. He had eavesdropped on Mario's and Peach's conversation, so he knows about the plan to ban him from the mansion. And needless to say, he's never been quite this bummed out before in his life.
Sonic: Trying to ban me from the mansion temporarily, I see...must have been an unanimous decision, apparently nobody likes me...not even Knuckles or Tails, my two favorite people in the whole entire world...and I'm getting banned all because I'm "annoying"...but who needs those losers anyway, since I got nobody else in my life to keep me up, guess I gotta go out...in peace.
Chrom was in the new recording studio, analyzing the room with Fox and Falco. Mr. Game & Watch was present, putting on the finishing touches. A housekeeper's work never goes unmerited!
"You have done a lovely job here, Mr. Game & Watch!" commended Chrom. The 2D man would either reply to Chrom or at least nod his hand, but he's sadly incapable of doing such things. What fate could possibly be worse than alogia (a lack of speech) and the inability to nod your head?
"If only I had a storage room to keep all my chocolate!" remarked Doc Louis, who was quietly sitting in the back of the studio, eating a chocolate bunny Little Mac had given to him. He was eating it like a madman!
"Really do need one, you fatso," stated Falco, garnering an intense glare from Doc.
Doc: Chocolate, to me, is more important than having a girlfriend. Chocolate won't ever leave you, it will always remain loyal and faithful until the end of time, so you'll never have to worry about having "others on the side", if you know what I mean! If there was a world without chocolate, I would fly a rocket up to the Milky Way!...The Milky Way does have chocolate, right?...So the chocolate brand, you say, is a lie?!
"Father, you must come quick!" Lucina rushed inside the room. "Sonic is standing atop of the mansion!"
"Atop of the mansion?" Chrom raised an eyebrow. A very odd place for Sonic to be at. "For what reason?"
"I don't know, but he refuses to come down! You must come right away!"
"We better tag along as well, who knows what Sonic has up his sleeves!" said Fox. A lone hedgehog on top of the mansion is no situation to mess around with.
Lucina led Chrom, Fox, Falco, and Doc Louis (he was too afraid to leave his chocolate at the recording studio, so he brought it along with him) outside to the front of the mansion, where Villager, Cloud, Link, and Red - as well as his Pokemon Squirtle, Venusaur, and Charizard - were all present. Sonic was perched at the top of the mansion, standing there defiantly.
"Sonic get down from there this instant!" Cloud called out to the hedgehog. Who knows how long Sonic's been staying at his spot, let alone Cloud calling out to him.
"Shut up Cloud, you're not my mother!" Sonic retorted. What are the blue hedgehog's intentions? "Only way I'm getting down is if I land on the ground and breathe my last and final breath!" He's not contemplating suicide, is he?!
"Sonic, you blundering idiot, you can't go out like this! Think about all the people in your life, like Amy!"
"Never cared for that obsessive stalker in my life. Always a major behind in the butt!"
"What about Dr. Eggman, who else will he have as an arch-rival?" asked Link.
"His already has an arch-rival, and its name is Weight Watchers!" Well played, Sonic, well played.
Cloud: Already called the fire station, they'll be here soon to get Sonic down from that mansion. No matter how hard me, Villager, Link, and Red try, Sonic refuses to get down, and he's very adamant about staying where he is. It's becoming quite frustrating...
"This ends now!" proclaimed Red. "Charizard, fly up to Sonic, and get him down from there!" Charizard flew up to Sonic, who attacked the flame Pokemon with a homing attack and sending him crashing back down to the earth. "Venusaur, use Vine Whip!" Venusaur fired a vine at Sonic, entangling him, but the hedgehog managed to break free. "Squirtle...um, uh..." Squirtle's a lousy water Pokemon, what use would his moves do? "Squirtle, why must you be so useless?"
"I'll go and get some help!" Fox told the others as he ran back inside the mansion. Sonic needs all the help he can get...
The Ice Climbers showed off the anti-blue hedgehog sign to Master Hand in his majestic room. The giant hand intently analyzed the sign, taking note of the drawing of Sonic, the text, and even the color of the sign. All of those factors are crucial for the sign's appeal and effect.
"Mario wants to place this sign in front of the mansion," explained Nana. Should the sign be displayed at the mansion's front yard, or near the mailbox, where some sap would steal the sign and run away without being caught? Such a question deserves a valid answer!
"He wants to ban Sonic temporarily from the mansion so he could teach him a lesson," added Popo. He was starting to feel nervous about whether Master Hand was on board with the plan or not. "Do you approve?"
"Well..." Master Hand pondered over the proposition. In his nonexistent head, he visualized a world without Sonic the Hedgehog...a world without complaints about chili dogs, broken objects from reckless running, and plenty of other things. "...I think I'm down with this. Sonic's ban will be effective immediately!"
Master Hand: For once in his miserable life, Mario has come up with something that's not dumb and asinine! Still can't forgive him for his silly suggestion about the brawlers filling out some dumb brackets for that March Madness crap! Why person in their right mind would fill out some dumb bracket when they don't even know a thing about college basketball? It's the only time they ever pay attention to it ever! And while that crap is going on, other and more thrilling collegiate sports like bass fishing and canoeing always go unnoticed! Sickening, I tell you!
"Put that sign outside in the front yard where no one can steal it," ordered Master Hand. "Also, make sure Sonic is out of this establishment!"
"Mario has the latter part taken care of," stated Popo. Let's see how the plumber is handling things...
"Sonic where are-a you?" Mario searched through the mansion for the blue hedgehog, but he was unable to find him. In fact, the plumber was unable to find just about anyone else, the mansion nearly seemed almost deserted! However, he stumbled across Lucas, who was carrying a small trampoline with him. This object evidently made Mario curious - Lucas, for whatever reason, is afraid of trampolines, especially after a brief episode involving Yoshi and some...relief. You can just connect the dots from there.
"Mario come quick!" Lucas said to Mario frantically. "Sonic is outside and he's..."
"He's outside already?" Mario smiled, oblivious to the act Sonic is threatening to do. "Hoo boy, my job-a just got a tad-a easier!"
"No Mario, you don't understand, Sonic is contemplating suicide as we speak! He's on top of the mansion, and he'll jump off at any minute!"
"Lucas, the last-a time I took anything that-a came out your mouth seriously, you said that aliens were-a in the backyard making crop-a circles. Every day I head to the back-a yard, and I see no crop circles at-a all. Not to mention the fact-a that we don't-a even have any crops to begin-a with!"
"I'm being serious this time Mario, Sonic has lost it! You must come with me!" Lucas grabbed Mario's hand, and took the plumber with him. Mario, being the second-in-command of the mansion, has to be aware about everything - including Sonic's suicidal tendencies.
Zero sat in the workshop, working away on the newest prototype of his printer creation. With the mansion more quieter that usual, the robot could easily focus on his work without being interrupted. He has to limit his distractions otherwise...
"What are you still doing here?" Tails asked as he entered the workshop. He startled Zero, making the robot drop his screwdriver to the floor. Dude should be thankful it was only a screwdriver - if it was a crucial part of the printer, and he dropped it and broke it, Tails would have never heard the end of it.
Tails: I'm still in disbelief that Sonic would want to take his own life, it's so unlike him! If Amy broke up with him and refused to speak or associate herself with him forever, then suicide would be somewhat justifiable (and still immoral at the same time). But Sonic doesn't really like Amy that much, so what has gotten into him?
"Finishing the prototype of the printer everyone is apparently against being invented," replied Zero. He had told other brawlers about his glorious invention, and now he's the butt monkey of the mansion, being subject to ridicule and mockery. Poor guy couldn't even go into the arcade room without having to hear the sounds of laughing and giggling - which is why he's spending the rest of his day in the workshop.
"Oh, that thing..." Tails responded apathetically. Not even the bright-minded Tails approved of Zero's invention. "Sonic's outside on the mansion, and he's threatening to jump down and apparently kill himself. The fire truck is on their way to save him."
"He's not really doing that, is he? I hope it's not because I yelled at him earlier today!"
"Sonic getting yelled at, what a surprise..." Sonic receiving a scolding has become a known mansion tradition, a facet of everyday culture even. "What did he possibly do this time?"
"His antics resulted in the self-destruction of my previous prototype. I had suggested to Mario that we should ban Sonic from the mansion for a short period, and see if that will change the hedgehog for the better. Perhaps an apology for scolding him will bring him back to his senses!"
Zero sped out of the workshop, leaving Tails by himself with the robot's printer prototype. The fox stared at the printer intently, and pulled out a wrench...some mighty fine work is about to be done.
More and more brawlers were gathering outside, watching helplessly as Sonic stood atop the mansion contemplating suicide. The fire truck and even an ambulance arrived, and a few firefighters had to climb up a ladder to retrieve the blue hedgehog, but Sonic would push them down the ladder. He wasn't going out without a fight!
"Sonic you nimrod, get down from that roof or else!" yelled Knuckles. The echidna can't afford to see his best friend go out like this.
"Or else what?" asked Sonic, putting his hands on his hips.
"Or else...Amy will live in depression and not speak to anyone ever again! You wouldn't want that, would you?"
"Eh...anything better than that creepy obsessive stalker thing she's got going on now."
"See?" Lucas took Mario outside and showed him Sonic, still refusing to get down. There had to be a way to get him down from the roof, and it had to be without the stench of death getting involved.
"This-a calls for desperate measures!" Mario ran back inside the mansion, and came back with chili dogs. Either these chili dogs were pre-made, or Mario is a blazing fast cook. "Got your favorite-a food in the whole wide-a world, waiting for you! Just come down-a and..."
"Sweet, bring them up here!" exclaimed Sonic. He couldn't commit suicide on an empty stomach.
Corrin: Watching Sonic perched on the mansion, all while evaluating the option of suicide, is becoming harrowing with each breathing minute. Brawlers a many have been trying to retrieve Sonic, but no matter the efforts, the hedgehog refuses to move an inch. I wish I could help out...
Akira Yuki: Aren't you a dragon? Can you just fly up to the roof and get him?
Corrin: I wish, but sadly I'm unable to fly at high altitudes...
Akira Yuki: THEN WHY DO YOU TRANSFORM INTO A FREAKING DRAGON?!
"No, no, Sonic, you'll have-a to come down here and get them!" stated Mario. His plan better work, those chili dogs can't possibly go to waste.
"Have it your way...in that case, could you stand close to the fire truck?" asked Sonic.
"Don't do it man, he's trying to trick you!" warned one of the firefighters. But Mario ignored him, and did exactly as Sonic told, standing near the fire truck.
"A little more to the left..." instructed Sonic; Mario inched two inches to the left. "Perfect! Now throw one of those bad boys over here!"
Mario threw a chili dog at the hedgehog, and Sonic ate it like a madman. Might be the last chili dog he ever eats...
"Thanks for the grub!" thanked Sonic. "Now it's time...to make my descent."
The worst was beginning to happen. Sonic turned around, closed his eyes, and crossed his arms over his chest. He was really about to do it!
"Oh man, somebody get the paramedics!" shouted one of the firefighters. Given the height Sonic will be falling from, paramedics would be greatly out of the question.
"I can't watch..." the female Inkling covered her eyes. The other brawlers either did the same, or looked away in fear.
Then it finally happened. Sonic, breathing one last breath, fell backwards, falling off of the roof of the mansion...
...before landing in the arms of Sheik, who used Vanish to save the hedgehog. Everyone sighed a sigh of great relief, as the ninja stuck a perfect landing on the ground.
"Am I dead?" Sonic opened his eyes and analyzed his surroundings. He was still at the mansion, and everyone was present, so evidently he's not dead.
"Don't you EVER, in your life, do something like that ever again," Sheik warned Sonic. Sonic better heed that warning, if he truly knows what's good for him...
"You, of all people, decided to save me? And here I thought nobody liked me!"
"Thank you for saving Sonic, Sheik," Master Hand magically appeared. "Sorry I had to interrupt your studies." The firefighters and paramedics were in awe. This was their first time seeing Master Hand, up close and in-person, and many of them are probably fangirling inside.
Paramedic: From the very moment I played Super Smash Bros on the 64, I've always wanted to see Master Hand in person, and since I'm living the dream, I feel that my emotions must be moved through words...I can use profanity around here, can I?
"You're wrong, Master Hand, Sheik wasn't even studying, it was..." Captain Falcon began - before Sheik placed Sonic safely on the ground and reverted back to Zelda, the loving girlfriend of Link. Falcon whimpered as he took out a list of female brawlers he plans to ask out/marry, and crossed Sheik's name off the list; her name was ironically next to Zelda's.
"Nothing to see here folks, the issue has been resolved," said Master Hand. "Everyone back inside." All the brawlers - save for Cloud, Villager, and Red, who continued their fishing - went back inside the mansion, and the fire truck and ambulance were getting ready to leave.
"Glad-a that's over!" Mario grinned as he headed back inside...only to be stopped in his tracks by Master Hand.
"We need to talk..."
With the Sonic suicide thing resolved, Fox, Falco, Doc, and Chrom returned to the recording studio, where Knuckles and Little Mac were dropping absolute bars. Luigi nervously entered the studio - he has never been inside the studio at all, but that shouldn't be the reason behind his nervousness.
"Chrom...may I speak-a with you for a minute?" the plumber asked Chrom.
"Sure thing," the prince replied. He has already seen the recording studio, so he'll pay Luigi some mind. "So what's up?"
"As you might-a know, the wedding's coming up-a and I've been-a wondering...will-a you be the officiant?"
Chrom was taken back at this offer. Another instance in which he has to play a role in something romantic; not pleasing for Chrom in the slightest. But then the prince realized that he would have to be the officiant on the best day of Luigi's life, and he won't be much of a "romantic expert" as people make him out to be.
"Usually I decline offers like these, but just for this instance...I'll do it."
Chrom: Hopefully Luigi has some benefits for me as the wedding officiant. Being the officiant is awfully hard work - having to stand up there with the bride and groom, with all the focus and attention centered on you...why did Mario opt to be the best man before I did?
"Oh I can't-a thank you enough!" Luigi gave Chrom a bear hug. Though Luigi is slightly half of Chrom's height, so the hug looked kinda awkward.
"Can't...feel...my intestines..." Chrom wheezed, the lower part of his body hurting with excruciating pain. Luigi released his grip on the prince.
"So posting this online..." grinned Falco, who had taken a picture of Luigi "hugging" Chrom. Already he has two embarrassing videos of Chrom online...better hope Chrom doesn't see them.
Pit went about frantically in the mansion, looking for a dahlia plant to replace the one Boswer destroyed. He was one of two people present in the mansion during Sonic's crisis - the other being Tails, who was working away on Zero's printer. Pit would stumble upon the fox at the workshop, where Samus was assisting Tails.
"You sure this is such a good idea?" Samus asked Tails. The fox added a new feature to the printer - a feature that would allow the device to create anything that you want, just by saying it into the built-in mic. Zero would absolutely love it!
"It's for the better or the worse," replied Fox. "But I'm hoping for the better..."
"Guys I need your help, real bad!" exclaimed Pit, startling the two. "Bowser burned this giant dahlia plant in the garden today, and it was Viridi's favorite plant in the garden, and I've been trying to find another exact plant to replace it, and I can't..."
"Listen, Pit," Samus said. Now's not the time to be putting up with Pit's foolishness. "There's this thing, it's called the internet, lots of people around the world use it, and some of them use this thing called the internet to buy whatever crap they want, and they send it to your door and..."
"I know what the internet is!" Pit felt greatly offended, feeling as if Samus was overestimating his intelligence. "Thing is, I've tried everything shopping website there was, but I couldn't find the dahlia plant anywhere, it wasn't the right size or color! And I promised Viridi I'd get her a new plant...I'm hopeless." This is what happens when you're trapped in the "Boyfriend Trust Abyss", when the going gets tough, and you can't satisfy your girl in due time, you're all sorts of screwed.
Samus: Poor kid...stuck in a poor relationship that has little to no benefits. Only benefit is trust and companionship, but other than that, what else is there to gain? Of all the people to choose from...must suck to be in Viridi's shoes.
"If you like, we can test out the capabilities of this printer and get that dahlia plant you wanted," offered Tails, turning the printer on. The device started making all those unnecessary sounds other stereotypical printers usually make."Just describe the plant into the mic, and the plant should appear right away!"
"I'll take your word for it..." Pit walked over to the printer, and saw two buttons. One said "Printing", the other said "Materializing". Which button will Pit choose? "Definitely this one!" Aaaaaand he picks the printing button. Moments like these are why he needs gals like Palutena and Viridi in his life.
"You pressed the wrong button, you doofus," Samus shoved Pit aside and pressed the materializing button before Pit could press anything. She then grabbed the mic, and gave it to Pit.
"I'm supposed to speak into this?" Pit asked Samus. The bounty hunter nodded slowly while giving a fake smile; the anger and frustration inside of her was starting to build up. Rather not say anything and let all of that frustration burst out of her mouth. "Okay thanks! Alright, so I want a dahlia plant, a big one to be exact, and it has to be red, because red is Viridi's favorite color...and that is all."
Suddenly the printer made even more unnecessary printing sounds, and in an instant, a giant red dahlia plant began to materialize on the paper tray, in a flower pot. Pit, Samus, and Tails watched in awe as the plant materialized before them.
"It worked!" cheered Tails. "It actually worked!" A printer that not only prints stuff, but materializes stuff as well - this will go down as one of the best days of Tails' life.
"Printer's not done yet, but I'm getting pretty close," Zero said as he guided Mega Man, X, .EXE, and Proto Man into the workshop. They all stopped in their tracks when they took notice of the dahlia plant, and started to wonder how it got here.
"Where did that plant come from?" asked Proto Man, under the assumption that Zero lowkey works as a gardener.
"Came straight from the printer!" explained Tails. "I added a mortification to it, and it can materialize whatever you want, just by speaking into the mic. C'mon, try it out!"
"Let's see how this thing works..." .EXE approached the printer, and took the mic. "Hmm...can it create food?"
"Give it a shot!" Robots can't eat actual food, can they?
"Alright then, I would like...a double cheeseburger, with..."
"Mustard and ketchup!" Mega Man said, grabbing the mic from .EXE. Can't possibly go wrong with those condiments. Also Mega Man, wait your turn!
"And lettuce, onions, and tomatoes!" X snatched the mic from Mega Man and said this into the mic. These robots don't know a single thing about patience, apparently.
"And melting Hershey's bars in-between the patty!" Proto Man snatched the mic from X and said this into the mic. His oddball suggestion garnered questionable looks from everyone in the workshop.
Proto Man: People in the South put ketchup on their grits... *shrugs* ...so why not chocolate in a cheeseburger?
A double cheeseburger - complete with a patty, cheese, mustard, ketchup, lettuce, onions, tomatoes...and chocolate - materialized on the paper tray. Zero was greatly pleased, feeling like a proud father after his child won a huge soccer game.
"And you guys thought a printer was a boring thing to invent..." the robot grabbed the cheeseburger and held it high. "This right here is evidence of strong efforts, and undeterred wisdom!"
"It can still print paper, right?" Pit curiously whispered to Tails.
"Already perfected that earlier," the fox replied. Tails, you have seriously outdone yourself today, good sir.
"Do I smell a high-cholesterol cheeseburger?" Wario literraly sniffed his way to the workshop, and saw the cheeseburger in Zero's hand. "Mine!" The fatso snatched it away, munching the sandwich in one giant gulp and rubbing his tummy afterwards. "Thanks for the grub!"
"Joke's on you Wario, but that burger is highly organic!" stated Zero, causing Wario's eyes to widen - the word "organic" is a word Wario despises, it's nowhere to be found in his personal dictionary. "No cholesterol whatsoever!"
"Blegh!" Wario tried to puke the burger out, but to no avail. Everyone was laughing at him, including Pit - who realized a task he must fulfill.
"Gotta deliver this plant to Viridi!" the angel grabbed the dahlia plant and ran off.
It was now 5 o'clock, and Link just returned from his fishing expenditure. He caught many Pokemon, including a Floatzel that is accompanying the Hylian. As of right now, he doesn't know what to do with the sea otter Pokemon, but he'll keep it around for the time being.
When Link entered Zelda's room, he saw the princess of Hyrule vigorously studying the driver's manual...and Lloyd Irving doing Lloyd Irving things.
"Sup Link?" the swordsman greeted Link while performing a headstand. Surprisingly he hasn't fallen yet. But knowing him, he will eventually.
Lloyd: In order to become successful in life, one must possess a life skill that will guide them throughout their daily life. The life skill that I have chosen is headstanding, and I chose this because...
Zelda: Lloyd, performing headstands isn't a life skill, it won't help you solve everyday problems and has little association with social norms.
Lloyd: What are you supposed to be, a sociology major? Why must you insist on preventing me from being great?
Zelda: Preventing you from being something that you're not? Everyone does that to you every single day...
Lloyd: Hence the reason why I chose the life skill that I did! Headstanding will shut the haters up, and make them appreciate...
Zelda: *throws driver's manual at Lloyd's head*
"Pay no attention to him at all," Link advised Floatzel; the sea otter Pokemon nodded, trying his darnedest not to look at Lloyd's sill behavior. The Hylian sat on Zelda's bed, yawned and stretched his arms out. "So how's it coming along?"
"It's going along very nicely," replied Zelda. "Right now I'm reviewing the information, so it will be lodged in my memory."
"Are you ready to take the driving test?" This alarmed Zelda, uncertain whether she should take the test this early. But as most princesses are, she's ready for anything.
"Hopefully so, it won't be that much of a hassle..." Link was able to sense some doubt in Zelda's response.
"Why do you want to drive so badly? Peach brought upon peer pressure on you?"
"Wouldn't say it's peer pressure...ever heard of the term FOMO, fear of missing out?"
"That's what FOMO stands for?" exclaimed Lloyd, falling on the floor in surprise. "Here I thought it meant fear of four-eyed octopuses!"
"Shut up, Lloyd...anyway, my desire for driving is mostly because of you and the princess...Peach and Daisy were already driving, and then you came along...I just wanted to be a part of things."
"Oh, I understand..." Link nodded his head. By racing alongside the likes of Mario, Bowser, and Donkey Kong, Link has made Zelda yearn to one day drive just like him. It would be asinine to see Zelda operating a vehicle, but if that's what the princess wants... "Not a thing to worry Zelda, you'll be driving one day, in no time!"
Zelda smiled when Link said this. Sure, Link was using cheap words of encouragement, but hey, it's better than nothing!
"Also, that was a nice save you did with Sonic," commended Link. "Bet's he's getting an earful from Master Hand..."
Sonic and Mario were sitting inside Master Hand's room, and just as Link predicted, Sonic was getting an earful from Master Hand for his suicide attempt. But Mario was getting his fair share, too.
"You didn't even go ask brawlers about Sonic's ban and just went forth without their approval?!" boomed Master Hand. You wouldn't appreciate him when he's at his angriest. "I thought you already asked everyone for their approval, but you didn't! Absolutely appalling!"
"If it-a makes you feel better, Master Hand..." Mario started, before Master Hand pointed a giant finger at the plumber.
"Not another word from you!"
Master Hand: The brawlers should be more than thankful that I returned from my "indefinite vacation". Before I made my great return, those poor folks had to deal with that bloated Mario, and his poor problem-solving abilities! I wouldn't trust him as president of the United States, even if he was running against a poser like Kanye West!...You say he's dead serious about running for president? Looks like there's time to move the mansion up to British Columbia!
"May I come in?" a voice said, accompanied by a knock on the door. Zero entered Master Hand's room. "I feel that an apology has to be made."
"Well then, go ahead and do your thing," said Master Hand. Zero confronted Sonic, who he yelled at earlier today.
"Sorry for scolding you earlier, it wasn't anything like me, to be honest. This whole situation, with Mario threatening to ban you, and you contemplating suicide, all of it wouldn't have happened had I snapped."
"Apology accepted," Sonic accepted Zero's apology. "Also kinda brought the situation upon myself, what with ticking you off, and eavesdropping on Mario and generalizing the assumption that nobody likes me..."
"Everybody likes you Sonic!" stated Mario. "You might be annoying and irritating every now and then, but you're still a likable person!"
"Mario's right, you're one of the most iconic video game characters to have ever existed!" added Master Hand. "Why, I have yet to meet a single soul who doesn't appreciate you!"
These kind words really uplifted Sonic. Originally he was under the assumption that he was despised by many, but now he has learned that despite his flaws, he is adored. How great of a feeling that is...
Pit found Viridi in the kitchen, where she was helping Palutena make chili dogs, as a way to cheer Sonic up. Olimar, Toad, Young Link, Tails, and Knuckles were Palutena's other assistants.
"Oh Viridi!" Pit called out. "Got something for you!" Viridi turned towards Pit, and gasped with utter glee when she saw the dahlia plant in the angel's hands. At first, she assumed Pit would be unable to fulfill the task of getting another dahlia plant - its size made it a strong rarity - but now she knew better than to doubt her boyfriend ever again.
"It's perfect!" the goddess of nature gleamed, running up to the dahlia and inspecting it. "How did you acquire it?!"
"A little help from Tails - let's just say that Zero's printer was more capable than anyone else thought..."
Sonic sped into the kitchen, after the smell of chili dogs made its way into his nose. He was surprised to see Tails and Knuckles working in the kitchen - Tails was a moderate surprise, but Knuckles...pigs are probably flying around the mansion.
Knuckles: "Cooking is a great experience," she said..."It's great you're spending time outside of that recording studio..." she said...Once I go big in the rap industry, I won't have to put up with Palutena's crap ever again. Screw her and her horrendous cooking! *looks behind him* Could you tell me when she comes back? I got so much more to get off my chest...
"You're just in time buddy!" said Knuckles. Buddy - how well did that word please Sonic right now.
"We were wondering when you were gonna show up, glad you made it past Master Hand alive!" added Tails. When you're dealing with Master Hand, oftentimes you'll never know if you'll survive - dude could kill you if he pleases, but hopefully he won't stoop down to that level.
"Making chili dogs, and you didn't even invite me!" smirked Sonic, shaking his head. "What would I do without pals like you guys..."
