After a week and a half of being confined to my bed in the Hospital Wing, I finally convinced Madam Pomfrey, to allow me to send for some books from the library. I was bored out of my mind, and Harry, Ron and Ginny had only stopped by twice to check on me.
Once Madam Pince reluctantly delivered my books, I eagerly dug into them. I needed to find out what was so unusual about me being able to summon my wand to my wand-hand. Surely this was common practice amongst witches and wizards, especially those that grew up in this world?
The more I researched, the more perplexed I became. Magical folk that were born into a magical family were at a distinct advantage in that they had knowledge that was sorely taken for granted. While I knew wandless, non-verbal spells were trickier than verbal spells using a wand, I had thought this was a skill to be mastered by all in 6th year. I had not realized that not everyone in my class would be able to accurately cast non-verbals, let alone wandless. Even more rare was the ability to use elemental magic.
I had been using elemental magic since childhood and had mastered non-verbals for a fair few spells by reading ahead and was even able to manage a few wandless spells (summoning my wand was one of these).
I had hit a wall with the information readily available in the library and knew I could not trust most to keep my questions in confidence. Perhaps Professor Snape, though exuding 'unapproachable', was the best choice as he already knew something of my ability and had seemingly not divulged this to anyone.
I would have to wait until I was discharged, which at this rate would only be at the end of term. Hopefully I would be able to find a time to speak to him before leaving on the Hogwarts Express.
…..
h.s.h.s.h.s.h.s.h.s.h.s.h.s.h.s.h.s.h.s.h.s.h.s.h.s.h.s.h.s.h.s.h.s.h.s.h.s.h.s.h.s.h.s.h.s.h.s.h.s.h.s.h.s.h.s.h.s.h.s.
…..
I was finally discharged (albeit reluctantly and with the promise of continuing my potions regimen) by Madam Pomfrey the night before we were due to leave for the term.
The leaving feast was soon to start but I needed to try and catch Professor Snape in his office beforehand, as I knew I would not have time to find him in the morning before being carried off towards the Hogwarts Express.
I walked cautiously as I descended into the dungeons. I hated the dankness of this part of the castle and could not fathom why a common room and classroom were placed in the bowels of Hogwarts.
I hesitated when I arrived outside Professor Snape's door. I had marched down here with determination but suddenly realized I had not quite thought through how I was going to go about framing my questions to the unfriendly Professor. Before I had even lifted my hand to knock, the door swung open revealing a highly annoyed Professor Snape.
"Were you planning on knocking, or was your plan to simply loiter outside my office in an effort to annoy me?" He growled.
I jumped at his sudden and unexpected appearance in the doorway.
I opened my mouth to offer an apology but was cut-off.
"Get inside, foolish girl. You cannot be seen conversing with me."
With that, I was ushered into his office.
"Sit." He said, indicating a rather stiff, straight-backed chair.
I lifted my brow at the indicated chair and sat down after silently adding a subtle cushioning charm.
"Careful, Miss Granger. That could be construed as impolite by most."
I raised my eyes to meet his in alarm. How had he noticed that, his back was turned when I cast the cushioning charm.
He slowly sat in his own, much more comfortable-looking, chair.
"So. To what do I owe this unexpected pleasure." He drawled sarcastically.
I took a moment to sort through my jumbled thoughts. He waited impatiently.
"I have… questions, and I could not think of anyone else to ask."
"Your head of house, your Headmaster, Lupin, Professor Flitwick… surely any of them would be your first port of call?"
"Ordinarily, yes, they would be the most obvious choice. However, they are all unequivocally loyal to Professor Dumbledore and recent events have gifted me with a healthy dose of reality, Sir. If you don't mind me saying, Professor, you seem the only option that will consider my newfound realism for what it is, as you seem to be the only person who understands that this war is not black and white. I presently find myself in a grey area which I fear many will not understand. You appear to live in it, so it is you, Sir, whom I think may be able to answer my questions."
"Astute. I for one, did not think you capable of independent thought nor the backbone to go against the status quo."
I could feel the flush of anger and humiliation colour my face and I bit my tongue. He was baiting me on purpose. This was a test. The only problem was that I didn't know the question or the expected answer.
Swallowing my feelings down, I posed my most pressing question.
"I assume you have been made aware of the, for want of a better turn of phrase, 'magical shield' I created in the Department of Mysteries? I was hoping you would have some theories around it as I have not been able to find anything alluding to something similar from the limited material in the library."
Professor Snape raised a single brow and I saw something flicker briefly in his eyes. Had I passed?
"Your 'shield' as you put it is unlike anything I have encountered. I would need more information before I could begin to research it."
"What information would you need?" I asked carefully. I did not recall seeing him in the room at the time that I cast the 'magical shield'.
"I would need access to your memory of the event."
"I -"
"Without it, I cannot assist you further." He said, beginning to rise from his chair.
"Wait. If I agree, how would you go about it? How does viewing the memory help?" I had surprised him, he was expecting an outright no.
"Legilimency, Miss Granger. It will allow me to guide you towards the parts of the event I need clarity on – your emotions, your positioning, where you felt the magic stir and anchor."
I swallowed down bile. I had undergone hours of torture, with Legillimency used as a weapon in the Department of Mystery. Although the Death Eater had been unsuccessful in gaining access to my mind, I would not forget the physical torture I had received as a consequence.
"Just do it." I said, not giving myself time to back out.
Professor Snape rose from his chair and gestured for me to make my way to the center of the room.
"Look at me." He said.
I slowly lifted my eyes to meet his.
Fearful brown eyes met the darkest of black.
"Legilimens."
I felt a brief brush against my mind, before it was snuffed like a candle.
I blinked.
"What are you playing at?" Professor Snape growled.
"Sir?" I asked, fearfully. He was starting to circle me, slowly, like a panther stalking its prey.
"Sir?" I asked again, more forcefully than I meant to. My fear causing my voice to rise.
"Trying to test me, Miss Granger? I do not take kindly to -"
"Professor, please. I swear-"
"Insolent, ungrateful-" he started to raise his wand. My mind flashed back to the Department of Mysteries. I was on the damp floor, helpless as the Death Eater continued to attempt to gain access to my mind. I felt the blood pooling up from another wound he had inflicted, felt the fiery tendrils of Cruciatus as he intensified the curse. I felt my ribs crack and pierce my lung. I couldn't breathe.
I was distantly aware of a warmth spreading through me, a crackling energy that almost had a life of its own began to thrum faintly in my veins. The thrumming grew stronger until it could no longer be contained. It burst from within me and created a bubble around me. I was too lost in my memory to be aware of what was going on around me.
"Miss Granger!" came a ghost of a voice.
"Miss Granger! It came again a short while later.
"Miss Granger. For Merlin's sake – HERMIONE JEAN GRANGER!"
The memory began to fade, and I slowly became aware of a warm thrum and a bright blue light. I squinted, allowing my eyes to adjust. I took deep gulps of air and my breathing began to slow.
Professor Snape was at an odd angle, pressed against the shelves where the cauldrons under stasis were stored.
"Miss Granger. I need you to take slow, deep breaths. No sudden movements."
I looked at him, confused.
"Slow, deep breaths. Now, Hermione." He said in a gentler tone.
I focused on my breathing, feeling it slow my heart rate. It was then that I realized the blue light begin to recede, moving inwards, towards me. I did this, Professor Snape had been pushed against those shelves – by me. I had unknowingly inflicted my magic on him, using a shield I had no control over.
I began to panic and lost track of my breathing. The blue light spread out again causing the cauldrons to begin to vibrate on their shelves.
"Hermione. Look at me."
I met his black eyes. For the first time since I had known my Professor, I was met with more than a cold, expressionless face. It was as if he had dropped a mask, and for the first time I was seeing who he really was. I saw a myriad of emotions dance across his face: fear, urgency, surprise, awe, pain.
Pain. I was hurting him.
I tried to dispel the magic. It only strengthened the shield.
Professor Snape winced. I was crushing him, and the cauldrons would blow any second.
"Hermione. Look at me." He wheezed.
I looked into his now expressive eyes, saw his irises dilate and then my world titled on its axis. I found myself in his mind. It was a strange, unsettling feeling. I was in a park, Professor Snape was on a nearby swing.
"Come. Sit." He said, indicating a vacant swing next to his.
I smiled timidly. "No cushioning charm, I swear."
"Ah, you learn fast."
"You already knew that, Sir."
"Touché."
I began to swing slowly, pushed by a non-existent breeze.
"Breathe, Hermione." He said.
I slowed my breathing, focusing on inhaling as the swing lifted up and exhaling as the swing pulled back.
"Good girl. Now open your eyes slowly, keep your breathing slow."
I opened my eyes and found myself back in Professor Snape's classroom. The blue light had receded to just a faint blue glow on my skin. My breathing stayed steady.
"Mortal danger."
"Pardon?"
"Your trigger." He confirmed.
I nodded slowly.
"While staying in control of your breathing, I need you to tell me what happened at the Department of Mysteries when you were left alone in the Prophecy room."
I paled. "I can't talk about it. I would rather forget."
"A foolish, naïve wish. Your memory is a strength. From it, you can learn."
"I don't wish to remember how I was left alone and defenseless! Left to suffer through hours of torture and then left forgotten and broken by the very people I have been groomed to fight with and for!" I shrieked.
"You are not broken, your pride has just been bruised."
"My pride? You think that is what I care about right now? That I feel snubbed because I was left to wait to be found and treated? My world view was shattered! I feel betrayed that the people I fight for don't fight for me, not truly. I feel used, I am a pawn in a game I didn't choose. I'm constantly underestimated due to the mere fact that I was born to non-magical parents. I am only useful because I can spew facts and am well-placed as the Chosen One's friend. But really, I am dispensable, easily replaced. Now how do I align all that and still be expected to fight alongside these people who do not even know or care enough to ask about what trauma I have just endured."
"Believe me, Miss Granger, I understand more than most." He said quietly, so quietly, that I almost missed it.
"You should get to the Leaving Feast."
I blinked in surprise at the sudden change in topic.
"But I-"
"No buts. It will be noticed if we are both absent."
As I turned to leave, I paused.
"Thank you, Professor and I am sorry."
"Be gone with you, Miss Granger. I believe I will be seeing more of you."
