Episode 255: Karate

Much like the malasadas, or Min Min's noodles, pizza has become a bit of a culinary staple at the mansion over time. It was the ultimate cop-out meal for the residents - if either Cilan or Dunban didn't feel like cooking dinner, or Palutena was about to cook up something revolting (which was most of the time), then just order pizza and call it a night. Pizza saved everyone's troubles most of the time, but when it came down to whoever would get the last slice of pizza...that was when the real trouble began.

Samus was usually the designated person for ordering pizza, which to an extent annoyed the bounty hunter greatly. It got to the point where Samus straight-up told Master Hand how tired she was of ordering pizza all the time, and how she wished for someone else to handle the duty. Perceiving Samus' complaint as a "whiny hissy fit", Master Hand kindly asked Captain Falcon to order pizza from now on - and the racer happily obliged.

Unlike Samus, who preferred to order pizza through the phone or online, Captain Falcon typically enjoyed doing take-out. Mainly because he wanted to do some small talk with the pizzeria workers, something that Samus detested. When Captain Falcon arrived at the pizzeria to pick up the pizza, he called the mansion's house phone, wondering if the residents were interested in any sides...and Link was there to answer the call.

"Right, let me just check the pricing list," Link spoke with Captain Falcon over the phone in the foyer, looking at a pizza menu in his hand. "Hold on one second... "

"Sensei, hello it's senpai..." Sonic spoke into his cellphone as he passed by through the foyer. Link looked up and gave the blue hedgehog a highly curious look. "...it's ya boy, Sonic!"

"You know what, let me give you a call right back. I'm going to ask the others what they want, and then I'll call you back. Thanks."

"Yes, I just had a question...yes Sensei. Arigatou gozaimashita. Hai." Now in an even more curious mood, Link promptly hung up the mansion's house phone as he came over to speak with Sonic.

"Was that your mom?" What a very interesting question to ask - what person has ever addressed their mom as "sensei"? Unless their mom taught martial arts.

"C'mon Link, you know I don't talk to my mom. Haven't even spoken to her in YEARS!" That's nothing worth being proud of or bragging about, Sonic...

"Ah, same...but seriously, who was what? Never heard you address anyone as sensei before."

"That was the sensei from the karate academy I train at. Been training over there for some time now, nobody knows except my best friends. I'm a senpai, which is just a fancy term for Assistant Sensei."

"Assistant Sensei? That's pretty cool." The fact that Sonic practiced karate was oddly fascinating to Link, who now held the blue hedgehog in a slightly higher regard than before.

Sonic: I am a practitioner of Goju Ru Karate, here in Seattle. I've done some training online on the lowkey, since the academy was closed due to the pandemic. My sensei recently promoted me to purple belt, and gave me the duties of a senpai. Not that a lot of people here in America know what a senpai is, but it is equally as respected as a sensei.


Zelda: Master Hand tends to procrastinate a bit whenever he has to do busy work. All the busy work for Master Hand falls on a Friday and that's today. I call it the Perfect Storm.

Master Hand was already slacking off, as he was in his room and tapping on a coffee mug that read, "Best Boss Ever". You would think that Isabelle or someone else bought Master Hand the mug after how he acted in episode 252...when in actuality, Master Hand bought the mug himself.

"I don't want to work, I just want to bang on this mug all day..." Master Hand sang his cares away as he tapped his finger away on the mug. Standing in Master Hand's presence was Cloud, whom the giant hand called forth into his room for some important matters.

"Did you ask me here for any specific reason?" Cloud asked Master Hand; he would be losing his patience, if he even had any patience to begin with.

"Uh, yes, I did, here's the dizzle." Master Hand instantly stopped singing as he focused his attention on Cloud. "I have a very top secret mission for you. I want you to update all the emergency contact information."

"Why is that secret? Is updating the contact information that big of a priority?" Before Master Hand could answer Cloud's question, Zelda knocked on the door and walked into Master Hand's room.

"Howdy, Princess Zelda!" Master Hand greeted the princess, his happiness going from 100 to 0 real quick when he saw Zelda holding some papers. "Ew, busy work! Ah, get away, cretin."

"Umm, I put stickers so you know where to sign," Zelda informed Master Hand as she placed the stack of papers on the giant hand's bed. Master Hand stared at the stack of papers as if it was lethal poison.

"Yes, thank you. I know where to sign. Now leave, and don't ever come back with any paper in your hands."

"All of that documentation is for the cheesecake company you harassed last year. If you might recall, last year you were..."

'Yes, yes, I know...I pulled a prank on them and it was meant to be harmless, but they thought it was the other way around. Stupid idiots. They should've gotten over it, isn't that right Zelda?"

"Well, the owner of the cheesecake company really wanted an apology from you, so I had Isabelle type up a lengthy apology letter. So you need to sign the letter at the very end, so the company will know that the letter was in your own words..."

"Chillax, Zelda. Relax, take a chill pill. That's pretty good. Um, actually, I'm sending Cloud on a top secret mission. Tell her what it is!"

"Apparently I'm updating emergency contacts," Cloud explained to Zelda, who had a hard time believing what the point of this "top secret mission" was. "Something that the residents barely even use."

"Well, is that really a priority? Nobody here ever uses emergency contacts, unless there's a Calamity Ganon threat or a bunch of Heartless running amok through the city."

"Is it a priority?" questioned Master Hand, baffled that Zelda had the utmost audacity to ask such a question. "Oh I don't know, um, what if there is a tornado, Zelda? People's legs are crushed under rubble. 'Please, would you be so kind as to call my wife? No, I can't because we don't have any emergency contact information because Princess Zelda said it wasn't a priority.' Think. Think with your head, princess." Zelda chose not to think with her head, as she promptly left the room. "Ok, well. She walks out. That's the problem with being a boss is that when you are tough they resent you and when you are cool they walk all over you."

"Catch-22," stated Cloud as he summarized Master Hand's dilemma to the best of his ability. Part of him wished that he too could leave.

"Catch-22. Yes. Why don't you give me your contact information to start with, okay? What's your cell? I won't give it to anyone, I promise..."


So Cloud was going around, gathering everyone's emergency contacts. The swordsman asked the residents what emergency contacts they had, and added said contacts to his list.

"Uh, Sylvia Christel," Travis said to Cloud, who wrote down Sylvia's full name on his list. Sylvia was Travis' love interest, in case you weren't already aware.

"What's her address?" Cloud asked Travis, just as his cell phone rang. Travis apparently didn't know Sylvia's address, as the otaku was left deep in thought.

"Got no clue, but I do know she lives somewhere in Atlanta. Probably in the metro area."

"Hello?" Cloud answered the call, slightly nervous...but only because he saw Master Hand's name on the caller ID. Anyone's guess as to how the phone call would turn out.

"Hey Cloud. This is the ghost of Michael Jackson calling from Wonderland," Master Hand spoke, albeit in a very high voice reminiscent of Michael Jackson's. Travis was laughing, and Mario (likely holding the phone for Master Hand) could be heard trying to hold in a slight chuckle on the other end.

"Do you mean Neverland?" Having erroneously messed up on the phone call, Master Hand now had to switch things up to avoid any suspicion.

"This is Tito. Calling from..." Having enough of Master Hand's shenanigans, Cloud quickly hung up and put away his phone. The swordsman was in no mood for prank calling.


Pit was with Fox, Krystal, and the Star Records gang in the Star Records room, telling Fox and Krystal about a funny incident that had happened that morning. Falco came into the Star Records room, and it looked like he was shielding his face.

"Afternoon, everyone," Falco greeted those inside the room, keeping the left side of his face shielded with his hand as he looked down at the floor.

"Oh, Falco, guess what happened to me this morning?" Pit asked the avian pilot, a little too excited to tell him his story. Deep down he knew that Falco would enjoy it.

"Don't care. Tell me later." Falco was hastily moving around the Star Records room, getting whatever he needed so he could leave.

"Listen, it's important. You've gotta hear this." So Falco finally looked up, unshielding his face, as something on his visage caused those in the Star Records room to gasp.

"What do you got?" Turns out that Falco had a black eye, and it was swollen shut. Quite possibly the worst black eye you could have.

"Do you have a black eye?" Itsuki asked Falco, who seemed bothered that the young man was inquiring about his facial blemish. Evidently Falco didn't want to talk about it.

"Yes, I do, Itsuki. Thank you for noticing." The fact that Itsuki and the others were staring at his black eye made Falco even more ticked off.

"I woke up at 4 AM by accident in time for the paper to be delivered. Guess what?" Pit said to Falco, eager to deliver the punchline to Falco. Falco just stood there with a straight face, waiting for Pit to finish. "It's not a kid on a bike...it's a man in a car! The delivery boys turn into men overnight, in werewolf fashion!"

"Falco, who punched you?" Knuckles asked the avian pilot, wanting to know whoever punched him in the face. The echidna was in the mood for throwing some hands.

"Hey, I was on the can, dropping a deuce," Doc Louis as he came inside the Star Records room, overhearing most of the ongoing conversation. "What's this I hear about a black guy? Y'all ain't talking about me, are you?"

"Black eye, Doc Louis," Kiria corrected the boxing trainer, who looked over and saw Falco and his black eye. A part of him wanted to point and laugh at Falco's expense.

Doc Louis: *laughs* That boy Falco got a black eye! I'd say that earns him more than enough street cred in my eyes. Too many pretty boys, worried about this and that when it comes to getting hurt...Falco ain't a pretty boy no more!

"Will someone please explain what's going on here?" asked Mamori, as Falco had no choice but to tell his story given the level of interest. "This has been the most interesting thing that has happened to me, this week." Must not have been a particularly eventful week for Mamori, then.

"Here's what happened," Falco said to the others as he was ready to give them the 4-1-1, hoping they believed every word he said. "Krystal and I had just returned from the Yiga Clan hideout, after speaking with Master Kohga. And there was a gang at the front on motorcycles. And they were just hassling Krystal..."

"That's true," confirmed Krystal, as Falco felt appreciative of the vixen for having his back. Made his story all the more legitimate.

"They had, uh...weapons. Dangerous weapons. I just stepped in to talk some sense into them."

"But these were not the kind of people who use their words." So this motorcycle gang preferred to speak with fists, and weapons...not the kind of street gang one should mess with in broad daylight.

"Punches were going, and I ducked a few, landed a couple, and I was fighting them off. It was totally, like, senseless crime."

"Thank goodness he was there." Krystal would look towards Falco, extremely glad that the avian pilot saved her from the motorcycle gang. Otherwise, the vixen would've been a goner.

"Good job Falco," Fox applauded his best friend, as the others were murmuring some praise for Falco and his heroics. "Way to stick up for my wife."

"I didn't do anything any of you wouldn't have done," Falco said to Fox and company, as he pointed his finger around them to get the message straight. "Just wanna let y'all know..."


Cloud was in the hallway speaking with Diddy Kong, and trying to get the spidermonkey's emergency contact. Mario was peeking around the corner, seeing Cloud doing his thing.

"Who is your emergency contact?" Cloud asked Diddy before his cellphone rang for the second time today. Cloud instantly knew who was calling him and didn't even bother to answer.

"Dixie Kong - she's my go-to gal," replied Diddy, blushing ever so slightly when he mentioned Dixie's name. Cloud saw the caller ID on his phone and put his phone away.

"Pick up..." Mario called out quietly to Cloud, knocking his fist on the wall to grab the swordsman's attention. Heaving a sigh, Cloud did as he was told as he answered the call.

"Hello?" Cloud spoke into his phone, expecting yet another prank call from Master Hand. It was bound to get inevitable if Master Hand kept up the charade.

"This is Mike Tython," Master Hand spoke, in a high-pitched voice - with the classic Mike Tyson lisp for added authenticity. Cloud did the right thing and hung up, knowing that he had far more important things to do than entertain Master Hand's silliness.


Finding himself more intrigued with Sonic being a karate senpai by the minute, Link wanted to ask the blue hedgehog about how long he was practicing karate, and how long he was senpai. So the Hylian stopped by Sonic's room to ask Sonic a few questions; Sonic had his purple belt lying on his bed.

Sonic: My friends think that I bond with the other students at the dojo - but that's not true at all. I'm not there to make friends - I'm there to attack people! Karate can sure come in handy when you need it.

"Hey, Sonic. As senpai, do you think there is ever going to be a day where humans and robots can peacefully coexist?" Link curiously asked the blue blur, who was busy brushing his pet Shaymin; Sonic stopped brushing, and looked up at Link with a bewildered face.

"No, that would be impossible," replied Sonic, before furrowing his brow at Link - under the assumption that the Hylian was trying to get under his skin. "You're mocking me, aren't you?"

"No way! I was just asking an honest question. No need to be so hostile!"

"Look here, mister, how about I offer you a little piece of advice? I'm not afraid to make an example out of you!"

"Oh, that's not advice. What advice sounds like is this: umm, don't ever leave your purple belt lying around because someone might steal it." Link snatched the purple belt off of Sonic's bed, moving before Sonic could get a hand on it.

"This isn't funny, man...give it back to me!"

"Okay, say please. Just say the magic word, and I'll give it back."

"It's not a toy - it's one of the biggest flexes a person can have. Now hand it over!"

"Please?"

"Please?"

"Good, and it absolutely is a toy. Arigatou." Link tossed the purple belt back on Sonic's bed and walked out of the bedroom.

"Arigatou. This is not a toy. This is a message to the entire mansion and everyone out there so they can see that I am capable of beating them up!"


While the fact that Falco saved Krystal from a motorcycle gang was nice and all, there was an ever-growing level of concern among the Star Records folk. What if the gang came back for more, and harmed any of the mansion residents? Or Mario and his neighbors? Something had to be done, or else someone would get hurt for real.

"How can we feel safe knowing that there are gangs here?" Fox asked the others, as he was looking for a solution that would expel any gang from the mansion premises. "We should call the police right now!"

"No, no, no, no, no, we don't need to call the police," replied Falco, not wanting to waste any of the Seattle police department's time. He believed that they had bigger fights to battle than dealing with some motorcycle gang. "They'll just ask everybody questions, get up in everyone's business, right, Krystal?

"Police are a hassle," Krystal sided with Falco, and it made Falco smile with glee; Krystal had never been this much on the same page as Falco before. "We settled this on the street."

"And my eye will heal. But if the police come, then we will forever stain our neighborhood as a troubled area. Master Hand wouldn't want that."

"Why would you care what the police think of our neighborhood?" Tsubasa asked Falco, as she couldn't be that bothered about how the neighborhood around the mansion would be perceived. "Master Hand, he could barely care less."

"Because unlike you dorks, I have neighborhood pride. 9-8-1-6-5, baby!" Falco wanted to go for a handshake, but he knew that the others would just leave him hanging.

"C'mon Falco, that's so vague," Knuckles said to the avian pilot, thinking that his so-called neighborhood pride was pretty lacking. To him, Falco wasn't representing hard enough. "You gotta do the zip plus four. 9-8-1-6-5 dash 7-4-2-7."

"Look, I don't feel safe," expressed Eleonora, as Falco rolled his eyes at the idol singer. Falco suspected Eleonora to be the softest among her peers, and today confirmed it for him. "I think we should call the police."

"Exactly. We need to feel safe," agreed Falco, as he had a solution to the problem that involved nothing with police officers. "Which is why...Ryu will be giving us self-defense training!"

"Did I hear my name?" inquired Ryu as he came inside the Star Records room. Falco got excited when he saw Ryu, assuming that he magically summoned the fighter with his mouth.

"Right on time, Ryu! Will you teach us self-defense?" Ryu was a very capable fighter, very capable of defending himself, so he served as the right guy to teach Falco and company a lesson in self-defense.

"Yeah, uh...I can't believe you remembered! I do self-defense. Um, I'll go put on my cup." Excited to teach the others his ways, Ryu left the room to fetch his necessary equipment.

"As long as we have Ryu's teachings down pat, we won't be needing the police to fight our battles anymore. We can fight our battles ourselves!"


Link caught up with Sonic in the dining room, where Sonic was predictably eating yet another chili dog. Link was even more curious about Sonic's interest in karate and wanted to know if the blue hedgehog could take on anyone with his karate prowess.

"No women or children, unless provoked," Sonic informed Link when asked if he would fight ladies such as Wii Fit Trainer. Sometimes, it was best to have other targets in mind.

"Okay then, how about Terry Bogard?" asked Link as he looked over at Terry, who was treating himself with some ramen noodles. He preferred them over Min Min noodles - what a shocker.

"Already an established fighter...he doesn't really count." Terry, who was overhearing Link and Sonic's conversation, couldn't help but flash a smile in response to what Sonic had said.

"Okay. Mario? Could you beat up Mario?" Link asked this question just as Mario came inside the dining room after he helped Master Hand pull off a few prank calls.

"Yeah, yeah, I don't think that would-a happen," replied Mario, overtly confident in his ability to prevail over Sonic in any fight. He thought that he could dominate Sonic in just about anything.

Mario: Me, losing a fight? Ha, yeah right! I've never lost a fight. You know why? My motto. Never say die.

"That's right, because we're friends," said Sonic as he smiled at Mario, seeing that he and the plumber were seemingly on the same page. "Friendly rivals! No bad blood or animosity between us, just some friendly beef!"

"That...and because-a I would whoop his behind," guaranteed Mario; hearing that made Sonic snort in disbelief.

"Well, Sonic's a purple belt, so..." said Link as he saw that Sonic was proudly wearing his purple belt around his waist. Really felt like flexing on the residents today.

"So? I've beaten up black belts. Beat-a up so many, I'm starting to lose-a count!"

"Uh, how did you know they were black belts?" Perhaps the real black belts were the friends Mario made along the way...

"They told-a me. After they lost. You see, I used to run with a very tough-a crowd. Street Fighter types. Real, real bad people, I'm just lucky I got out."


"Is Mona still your contact?" Cloud asked Wario in the hallway, as Wario nervously fiddled with his fingers. The fatso hadn't talked about Mona as much since episode 157, shockingly.

"Um, yes, she is still my contact," replied Wario, as the mere thought of Mona made him feel all tingly inside. "Out of all the WarioWare Inc. employees, she's usually the one I trust the most."

"Gotcha." Cloud wrote down Mona's name on his list, as Wario leaned over and took a peek.

"You don't need to write 'ex'. Just list her as, uh...lady friend. Woman of interest."


"...and after that, nobody ever messed-a with the 'Dang Rascals' ever again." Mario finished telling his story to Link and Sonic, although it was mostly a tall tale that was hard to be taken seriously. Link and Sonic were pretty close to tuning out the plumber.

"Sounds tough. When you're a Jet..." Link said to Mario before snapping his fingers like he was a cast member on West Side Story. "...you're a Jet all the way, right?"

"You were a Jet?" Link being a Jet would be a pretty big revelation...but no street gang, whether it be the Jets or the Sharks, would ever welcome a Hylian like Link into their crew.


Ryu was standing at the Star Records room, ready to teach the Star Records crew about some good ol' self-defense. Pit, who stayed around, invited Viridi, Kirby, and Incineroar to attend Ryu's lesson, even though Incineroar could arguably defend himself without much trouble. Everyone was seated in chairs, with Ryu in front of a blackboard.

"Self-defense is not some fun boxing match, okay?" Ryu stressed to his students, making sure that they were grasping every word that came out from his mouth. "This is about escaping with your life. So...strike, scream and run. All right? Let's try it."

Incineroar would be the first to give it a try, as he stood up, screamed, and smacked Viridi on the back of her head. Viridi yelped in pain as Incineroar ran out of the Star Records room as if he was running a marathon.

"That may have been my fault," Ryu said in an apologetic manner, figuring that he should've been a bit more detailed and thorough with his explanation. Or perhaps think of a better method than "strike, scream, and run". That would help out a ton.

"What the heck, Ryu?!" Viridi frowned at the fighter, on the verge of tears as she rubbed the back of her head to ease the pain. Almost felt like she was nearly decapitated! "Your dumb teaching could've paralyzed me!"

"Okay, look, in a real crisis situation, you're not gonna have time to think, okay? So just remember, I-A-A-T-G. 'It's all about the groin.'"

"What if you're being attacked by a...smallish man who happens to not have a groin?" Falco asked hypothetically, as everyone in the room gave the avian pilot weird looks. You know you were talking some crazy talk when even Pit was giving you an inquisitive stare.

"I don't think that's very common." Not unless a man lacking a groin was an alien, which would be even more uncommon in itself.

"What if you're being attacked by a 4'11" man who is penisless?" That sounded just as uncommon - unless the man was John Bobbitt. But was Bobbitt anywhere below five feet?

"Why are you fixated on this hypothetical scrotum-less attacker?" Fox questioned Falco, greatly disturbed by how the avian pilot thought of these scenarios. The scenarios Falco presented were oddly specific...

"Why don't we start with the basics? Show us how to defend ourselves against a baby, and then like, a fifth-grade girl, and then, you know, if we have time, on up to a scary man."

"Well, the most common scenario is a larger man attacking a smaller female," replied Ryu, having seen such scenarios play out many times before. More than half of them were settled on the streets if you caught the drift.

"So in that scenario, what if the victim sucker-punches the attacker in the face? What can the attacker then do to better protect himself?"

"It's interesting that you're drawn to the point of view of the attacker. You would like the turn of the table. Okay, the latest Chad Flenderman novel is written from the point of view of his nemesis, Dr. Lucifer Wu."

"Can I please leave?" asked Kiria as she raised her hand, thinking that she was above some self-defense lesson. Not to mention that she had other things to do. "I have a rape flute."

"Alright, well, let's try one simple technique together. Okay, why doesn't everyone stand?" Everyone stood up out of their seats, ready for a demonstration. "Okay, so... you're being attacked. You've got your hands up. Simple palm strike to the chin. Up to the chin. One, two, one, two..."


Master Hand was outside his room, getting in some fresh air...could a giant hand like him even get fresh air. How does he even breathe? Does anyone ever ask themselves such a question? Anyways, Isabelle came down the hallway, seeing how relaxed Master Hand was.

"Have you signed that apology letter yet?" the shih tzu asked Master Hand, having typed up a gaudy amount of pages - which only signified how much Master Hand had to atone for what he did to that cheesecake company. Isabelle didn't want her hard work to go to waste.

"Yes, in theory, I have," replied Master Hand, leaving Isabelle visibly confused. Isabelle hated it when Master Hand gave her ambiguous answers. "I just need to cross some t's here and there. You'll see eventually, in the signature. Alright, I'm going to be in my room if anybody needs me." Master Hand retreated back to his room, as Isabelle went down to the foyer...

...and saw Mario putting Sonic in a headlock, in the middle of the foyer. Sonic was struggling to fight out of the hold and break free, as Mario kept applying the pressure.

"Hoo-hah! Oh, wow, sleeper hold," Mario said to Sonic, delighted by Sonic's struggle. Seeing the hedgehog struggle so much almost made Mario's day. "That's my rebuttal. Shhh. Hoo. You are the weakest-a link.

"Argggg! Let go of my neck!" demanded Sonic, as Mario obliged and released his hold on the blue hedgehog. Sonic took the time to clutch his neck, catching his breath.

Mario: I'm friends with everybody in-a this mansion. We're all best friends - I like-a everybody here. But sometimes your best friends-a start staying up late, and start having dentist appointments that aren't-a dentist appointments. And that's when it is nice-a to let them know that you can beat them-a up.

Mario was posturing and acting as if he had completely dominated Sonic in every single way; Isabelle, valuing her own safety and livelihood, cautiously tiptoed out of the foyer. Joker, who did not value his safety and livelihood as much as Isabelle did, entered the foyer and ran into Mario.

"Just hit-a me, see what I'm made-a of," Mario commanded Joker as he held out his chest, expecting Joker to punch him. The plumber saw Joker as more of a worthy punching bag than a worthy challenger.

"I can't, I just got a manicure," responded Joker as he showed Mario his manicured hands. Mario saw this as a sign of weakness.

"Oh, queer...uh, eye. Queer Eye. That's a good-a show. Important show. Yes, of course. Go ahead. Do it."

"Just have Sonic punch you. He's standing right there." Sonic shook his head no, for he did not want a punch from Mario; that sleeper hold nearly took the fight out of him.

"Oh yeah, that would be kind of worth-a less because I know a ton of fourteen-year-old girls who can kick-a his butt. Front and back."

"You know a ton of fourteen-year-old girls?" Joker had no idea that Mario had that much sway, unless he lingered around a bunch of high school campuses. Which would be VERY creepy.

"Do any of them even have a belt?" inquired Sonic, interested in knowing if these fourteen-year-old girls were just fourteen-year-old girls...or fourteen-year-old girls with attitude.

"Look, Sonic is a wuss. When we rented 'Armageddon'..." Sonic knew what was coming next, showing deep fear in his eyes.

"No, Mario, don't tell him! Anyone but Joker! Shut up, man..."

"...he cried-a at the end of it. He did. Even have-a the video to prove it."

"Mario, for the last time, it was because it was New Year's Eve and it began to snow at exactly midnight! I just...I just couldn't hold it in, you know?"

"Oh, Bruce-a Willis. Are they going to leave him on the asteroid?"

"Okay, that's it. I'll punch you!" Sonic got in a karate stance, as he had to put Mario in his place for embarrassing him in front of Joker.

"Here-a we go! Alright, come on!" Mario put up his dukes, which is the one thing you shouldn't do against a purple belt. Rookie mistake by Mario.

"Kiyah!" Sonic delivered a karate punch to Mario, nailing the plumber in his stomach. Mario winced in pain as he doubled over and clutched his stomach, his hands over where Sonic struck him at.

Sonic: Did I want to hurt Mario? The one man I've been rivals with since the beginning of time, or something like that? Heck yeah I did! Felt pretty great!

"Are you okay?" Joker asked Mario as he checked on the plumber; somewhere in the mansion, Terry was looking up proudly at the heavens as his magnificent catchphrase was uttered. "Are you sure you are alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine...I'll just shake-a it off," replied Mario, still holding his stomach as he walked away and admitted defeat. Sonic was smirking, filling with pride as Mario made his leave.

Sonic: I feel pretty fortunate to know plenty of tough fighters. There was this old grandpa I met a long time ago, and he was the toughest guy I've ever known! Fought in World War II, killed 20 men, and then spent the rest of the war in an Allied Prison Camp. And then there's this guy who battled blood pressure and obesity all his life! Different kind of fight, if you ask me.


Joker had seen just about enough of Mario and Sonic fighting with each other and knew that something had to be done before either man got injured. Since Zelda was off handling some business with Researcher Zelda, Joker had no choice but to ask his girlfriend Makoto to put an end to Mario and Sonic's spar.

"He has to be stopped," Joker stressed to Makoto, believing that the brunette could settle things between Mario and Sonic without much hassle. Makoto was an aspiring police officer, after all - ending tensions should be her kind of thing. "Please, just ask Mario."

"I don't know," replied Makoto, as she was sitting on a comfy bean bag in the library reading a romantic novel. "I would hate to get caught up in their crossfire."

"Okay, I'll buy you a bag of chips." Joker suddenly had Makoto's attention, as Makoto put down her book and looked up at her boyfriend.

"French Onion?" French onion was Makoto's favorite flavor, and the fact that Joker knew from the get-go showed how much of an excellent boyfriend he was.

"Obviously." Now onboard, Makoto dropped her book as she got up from the bean bag and left the library, with Joker following after her. Joker sure knew how to sway his girlfriend over, like how any model boyfriend would.


Makoto and Joker went to the gaming room, where she coincidentally saw both Mario and Sonic present. Mario, feeling some type of way about "losing" to Sonic, was playing on the golf simulator while Sonic was teaching his fellow residents how to fight.

"Take this pen and stab me with it," Sonic requested to the Flying Man as he handed the mythical beast a black ink pen. The Flying Man looked reluctantly at the ink pen as Makoto and Joker made their way over to the golf simulator.

"Go away, I'm trying to maintain-a my focus," Mario said to Makoto and Joker, detecting the couple's presence before he swung his golf club.

"I just have a quick question," Makoto said to Mario, who was watching the golf ball flying on the golf simulator screen. The ball landed close to the hole, only a few feet away.

"If you're asking to play golf-a with me, then you're out-a of luck. I'm at a low right-a now, and I'm trying to regain-a my mojo!" Doing the Scarn oughta do the trick.

"No, it's not that. Um, I was just wondering...would it be a good idea to ask Sonic to walk with me to the bus stop? Just for some protection." Mario was dumbfounded by Makoto's question, as he let out a disheartened laugh.

"Come-a closer..." Doing as she was told, Makoto came over to Mario so the plumber could let her in on some vital info. Joker came over as well. "...Joker, Makoto, I hate to break-a this to you but Sonic can't stop either one-a of you from being mugged. He's just not tough-a enough."

"Joker told me that Sonic's a purple belt. That's really high if you ask me."

"Oh, I could beat-a up Sonic. That's ridiculous. I could murder him with my eyes-a closed!"

"It's just, I've heard some rumblings that Sonic was tougher than you. Everyone thinks that you're a weakling, especially after word got out about how Sonic...punched you."

"Oh, so that's what they are-a saying?" What Makoto had said struck a competitive fire within Mario, who wanted nothing more than to prove the others wrong. "Alright, where is Sonic?

"He's right over there, giving out some karate lessons," Joker pointed at Sonic, who was now teaching Amy how to fight. Mario marched over to Sonic, with Joker and Makoto trailing behind.

"Hi-yah!" shouted Amy as she delivered a karate chop to Sonic, who blocked it with ease. The pink hedgehog was a pretty fast learner, which pleased Sonic since he wouldn't have to worry about running out of patience with his girlfriend.

"Good, good job!" Sonic commended Amy, who was all smiles as she clapped her hands. While the karate chop wasn't much, it sure put Amy in high spirits.

"Wow, that's actually pretty cool Sonic. Maybe that purple belt of yours is legit! Thought it was just a lie..."

"Now watch, let me take you from behind." Sonic grabbed Amy and turned his girlfriend around, leaving Amy nervous as to what was bound to happen next.

"What? What for? Got a very bad feeling about this..." Sonic honestly didn't want to hurt Amy, but if it meant making the lesson more authentic, then so be it.

"Watch out Amy, he might sucker punch-a you," Mario warned the pink hedgehog, trying to save her from any potential harm. Sonic, who was just about to strike Amy, turned his attention to Mario.

"I didn't sucker punch you, Mario," Sonic pleaded his case to Mario, who refused to believe the blue hedgehog. Mario knew what he saw. "You got it all wrong. I was defending my honor, like how a samurai would."

"Really? Well, the offer, Sonic, was for one punch-a which I absorbed. I had no idea that there would be a second punch. So, catch-22."

"Okay, fine. Tit for tat. Or tit for tit. That one sounds funnier. Anyway, give it your best shot. Two punches. Go!" Sonic stuck out his chest to Mario, bracing himself for impact.

"Look, if we were in a bar right-a now, there would be two punches: me punching you and you hitting the floor."

"Nah, I would block your first punch rendering it ineffective. It would be you hitting the floor!"

"You know what? You're just-a lucky that we are at the mansion right now. Anywhere else, and you'd be a dead-a man!"

"What about that dojo that Sonic practices karate at?" inquired Joker, as Mario looked squeamish at the idea. Almost as if Mario didn't want to fight Sonic again, and risk getting hurt once more.

"No, they must have-a class. Either that or they're closed-a due to the..."

"The dojo just opened up last week, it's fine," replied Sonic, with Mario snapping his fingers in disgust as Sonic took out a pair of keys. "Look, I even got the key! Senpai powers!"

"You don't want the others to think that Sonic's stronger than you, do you Mario?" Makoto asked the plumber, who let out an exasperated sigh. Might as well settle the score with Sonic, and put an end to things.


Link: Um, well, we are all getting excited to see this fight. Joker went around the mansion, asking a bunch of people if they wanted to go down to the dojo and watch Mario fight Sonic. Fight...fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight...

Thanks to some interest drummed up by Joker, there were a couple of select residents down at Sonic's dojo, to watch Mario and Sonic duke it out. As Mario was getting ready for his fight, he saw a few Japanese words on the wall in front of him.

"I recognize-a that," Mario said to the sensei who was helping him put on his gear, as he pointed at one of the Japanese words. "That is Japanese for California Roll."

"Uh, no, it's not," replied the sensei, as he fastened the karate helmet on Mario's head. Can't let there be any concussions, especially with a karate novice like Mario.

"I think it is. A guy told-a me about that.

"Actually, it's a symbol for eternal discipline."

"Oh...it's still California Roll-a to me, dang it!"


Ryu continued teaching the Star Records crew (as well as Pit and Kirby) about self-defense, teaching them everything that they needed to know. Falco was grasping most of the information, nodding his head to every little thing that Ryu said.

"Now, if your attacker is willing to defile a corpse, you better stop playing dead right away and just make it known that you're alive," Ryu said to Falco and company, with Falco stroking his beak to make it seem like he was learning a lot. Just then, Tom Nook came inside the Star Records room.

"Pardon me for a moment, everyone," the tanooki said to Ryu and the others, momentarily interrupting the lesson. "I have a mother with me that would like to speak to you all." A woman came inside the room, bringing her daughter along with her.

"Forgive me for interrupting," the woman apologized to Ryu and company, with her daughter sporting a big frown on her face like she had committed a foul crime. Upon seeing the daughter, Falco started looking around feeling nervous.. "I believe my daughter had an altercation with somebody here, some bird gentleman with a Brooklyn accent?"

"I think you guys might be at the wrong place," answered Falco, speaking in a strong Southern accent to conceal his identity. The daughter saw Falco and recognized his face, before pointing right at him.

"That's him...the bird I hit," the daughter informed her mother, as a huge wave of shame and humiliation washed over Falco. Everyone in the Star Records room was stunned to learn this startling information.

"Falco got punked by a teenage girl, ha!" laughed Knuckles, as everyone was now murmuring among themselves at Falco's expense. Not a good look for Falco.

"You've gotta be kidding me," Fox shook his head; he wanted to laugh at Falco, but not at the great risk of tearing his great friendship apart.

"Poor Falco!" Pit sympathized for the avian pilot, who had his face buried in his hands too ashamed to look up. "First you got beat up by a gang, and now she kicks your butt?"

"No, Pit..." Kirby said to the angel, about to correct the angel only to let out a sigh.

"What about the fox lady you hit with the pine cone?" the woman asked her daughter, who scanned the room and saw Krystal, seated next to Fox. The daughter pointed at the vixen.

"There - that skinny one," the daughter answered, as Fox took great offense to what the teenage girl had said. He angrily stood up, ready to throw some hands.

"Now's not the time..." Krystal whispered to Fox, as she sat her husband back down. Fox glared down at the daughter, giving her the "I'm watching you" hand signal to let her know what he was all about.

"Apologize," the woman commanded her daughter, who was having a staredown with Fox. Slowly, the daughter turned her attention to Falco, who found the strength to look up.

"Sorry I kicked your butt in front of your skinny lady friend," the daughter apologized to Falco, who felt a bit better about getting punked by a teenage girl. Still felt pretty ashamed and humiliated, though.

"Like you're the one to talk, you Stay Puft Marshmallow-looking..." Fox said to the daughter, only for Krystal to cover his mouth. As Krystal said, now was not the time.

"Listen, I don't know what you guys are talking about, but I guess I'll just accept your apology so we can get on with our day," Falco said to the woman, still speaking in a Southern accent. Wanted the woman and her daughter to leave, so his shame could completely go away.

"God bless. Friend of mine watches that online cooking show you put on your YouTube channel," the woman said to the Star Records folks, with Mamori and Asuka feeling the happiest out of the bunch. Ashley, well, had somewhat neutral feelings. "You do good work. Bye bye."

"Adios!" Pit waved his hand to the woman and her daughter, who followed Tom Nook out of the Star Records room. "Just so we're clear, 'adios' isn't a Spanish curse word, is it?"

"So, Ryu, I think we should do a different self-defense seminar - 'How to protect ourselves against tiny little girls,'" Kiria suggested to the fighter, as several of the others found themselves snickering. Falco felt humiliated once again.

"There's no shame in getting beaten up by a girl," stated Ryu, who would know since he lost to the likes of women such as Chun-li, Cammy, and Sakura many times in the past. "Chun-li used to demolish me. Most of the time I let her."

"No, there is shame in it, okay? We have to draw the line somewhere."

"Aw snap, I think I see the imprint of a ring pop!" chuckled Knuckles, as he saw the imprint in question on Falco's face. The others saw and were laughing, much to the chagrin of Falco.


Mario and Sonic were about to start their karate match, with several residents gathered around as spectators. Link, Joker, and Makoto were among the spectators, as well as Sonic's friends - Amy, Tails, Knuckles, and the Crash clan. Both Mario and Sonic wore a karate helmet, some karate gloves, and a karate uniform; it wouldn't be a fight of the ages, but it should be pretty entertaining.

"Okay, gentlemen, listen up," the sensei said to Mario and Sonic, who were standing on the mat staring each other down. "After a clean strike to the chest, stomach, or kidneys, I will separate you and award a point. The first person to three wins. Alright?"

"Yes, Sensei!" responded Sonic, as he gave a formal Japanese bow to the sensei. Mario on the other hand did not give a bow, which was kind of disrespectful in most karate circles.

Sonic: To tell you the truth, I'm not the only senpai at this dojo...there's this other girl who's senpai, but nobody really respects her. She got into regionals, but only because her competition was a bunch of 13-year-old girls. Put me in that division - let's see how she does!

"A lotta rules, a lotta rules..." remarked Mario, getting himself in the groove as he pounded his karate mitts together. "...on the street, we didn't have-a any rules. Maybe one - no kicks-a to the groin, home for dinner. Told-a that to an Argentian basketball-a player once..."

"Shi mate!" shouted the sensei, calling for the karate match to begin. Mario and Sonic kicked off their fight by sizing each other up, both men looking to strike first.

"Hiii!" shouted Sonic as he kicked his leg up high, nailing Mario in the side of his stomach and making him jump back in pain.

"Alright, break," said the sensei as he separated Mario and Sonic. The karate fight had barely begun, and Mario was already annoyed.

"What the heck-a was that?" Mario questioned the sensei, grateful that Sonic wasn't allowed to target the head. Otherwise, Mario would've been decapitated...or so the plumber thought.

"Sonic - awarded a point," the sensei announced, as Sonic cheered and threw his hands up in the air. Sonic then started taunting Mario, increasing the plumber's desire to pummel him to oblivion.

"Two more!" shouted Sonic as he was moving about, having a little more fight in him.

"Alright, that's the way-a you want it..." said Mario as he got in a fighting stance, not wanting Sonic to get the better of him. "Wanna play dirty, huh? Game-a on, man!"

"Sweep the leg!" Crunch shouted at Mario and Sonic, who were sizing each other up again. Both men were circling around on the mat, looking for any open opportunities to strike.

"I'm comin' atcha man. Okay, purple belt, okay. I got-a him." Mario was showing off some fancy footwork to distract Sonic, before kicking the side of Sonic's leg. Or rather, his karate pants. "Ha! I got his pants."

"No points for pants," said the sensei, as Mario grunted; the plumber so desperately wanted that point to tie things up.

"Sonic, you have...no, you have-a something..." Mario pointed at Sonic's karate uniform, and Sonic didn't fall for it as he swatted Mario away. "...mama mia, you look-a like such an idiot!"

Some yelling and flailing of arms was spurred by Mario and Sonic, now fighting each other like little children. The sensei facepalmed, wondering how the karate fight devolved into whatever the heck was going on at the moment.

"Clean single kick, gentlemen.." the sensei informed Mario and Sonic, who finally put their yelling and flailing of arms fit to an end. Mario and Sonic got back to fighting for real, as Sonic went for another kick.

"Go on, I dare you to kick-a there again," Mario enticed Sonic, wanting the blue hedgehog to give him everything he got. "Kick there again, I dare-a ya." So Sonic went for another kick, but this time Mario grabbed Sonic's leg before putting the hedgehog in a headlock.

"Break, break..." said the sensei, seeing that Mario was now breaking the rules. Sonic had his karate helmet in front of his face thanks to Mario, as his vision was obstructed.

"No holding!" shouted Sonic as he struggled to break free from the hold. Mario had Sonic's arms restrained, leaving him ripe for the beating.

"You can't see, you can't see...good-a boy," Mario said to Sonic in a taunting manner, before he punched away at Sonic's head. "One point, Two points, three points, four-a points. I win. I win." Mario then started using his head guard to hit Sonic, which was also against the rules. "Eight points. Nine-a points."

"No, stop it! Come on, Mario!" But Mario refused to stop, as he brought Sonic down unto the mat and had the blue hedgehog pinned down.

"Open-a your mouth." Mario began to hock up a loogie, as Sonic had fear in his eyes.

"No Mario, don't do it! I give up, okay?! I admit defeat...just stop, dude!"

Mario: You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? *chuckles* "Raging Bull." Pacino. Oh, I want-a that footage. I want it. I need it. Spyro tries to talk-a crap about me, then...BOOM! That footage will shut-a him up.


Cloud managed to get the emergency contact of everyone in the mansion, but there was only one individual left...that individual being Master Hand. It wouldn't hurt to know who Master Hand's emergency contact was. So Cloud stopped by Master Hand's room to get his list of contacts completed.

"My emergency contact is the governor of Washington state, Jay Inslee," Master Hand gave this information to Cloud, who gave the giant hand a skeptical look. "Don't give me that look!"

"I refuse to believe you, but I'll put his name down for the lack of a more realistic option..." replied Cloud as he wrote down Inslee's name on his list. There was a knock at the door.

"Come in!" shouted Master Hand as Sonic came inside the room, looking extremely upset after losing to Mario in his karate bout. "Ah, if it isn't the Karate Kid. The Hilary Swank version. How are ya?"

"I need to change my emergency contact information from Mario," Sonic said to Master Hand; Amy wasn't Sonic's emergency contact? Perhaps Sonic had his own personal reasons for why that was so.

"Who do you want to change it to?" Cloud asked Sonic as he scratched off Mario's name on the contact list. Sonic better not suggest a local politician.

"Just put 'the Hospital.' Put down the contact number as 9-1-1, or something." Sonic left Master Hand's room, still in a very bitter mood. The sting of defeat would be hard for him to shake off.

"He is such a sore loser," Master Hand said to Cloud, who was curious as to why Sonic was feeling so salty. Never seen the hedgehog so salty before. "Mario called and told me that he mopped the floor with Sonic this afternoon. You know what, do yourself a favor and just keep Mario as his contact and I will call the hospital. Cut out the middle man."

Cloud: *opens up voicemail*
Cloud's Voicemail: Seven new messages. First New Message. *Master Hand's voice* "Hi, Cloud. This is Vladamir Putin." Next new message. "Hi, Cloud. This is your girlfriend, Aerith Gainsborough... and I'm mad!"
Cloud: *ends voicemail* Nice going, Master Hand, you made me hate prank calls even more now...

Makoto: *holds up a bag of French Onion Potato Chips* Had a feeling Joker would come through... *smiles*

"The list of emergency contacts is finally complete," confirmed Cloud, glad that he finally got the list done; the task got tedious real quick as Cloud asked more and more people.

"Good! Just throw it on my bed, I'll take it from here," instructed Master Hand, as Cloud tossed the list of contacts on the giant hand's mostly unused bed. "So, whatcha up to this weekend?"

"Uh, hanging out with the Links, probably." Cloud didn't know if he would hang out with the Links or not - he just wanted to stay away from Master Hand as much as possible. He wasn't used to Master Hand's ever-increasing friendliness towards him.

"If you're doing anything crazy, give me a shout."

"Yeah, alright, I'll um, see you around."


Although the teenage girl that attacked Krystal and Falco made her apology, Ryu still wanted to end his lesson in self-defense. There was still so much for Falco and the others to learn.

"Okay, this isn't over," Ryu reminded those in the Star Records room, seeing that everyone was slowly losing their focus. "Let's stay focused, okay? We made fun of Falco earlier for getting beat up by a little girl, but...little things can be dangerous."

"Whether it's a Gremlin or Chucky the doll," stated Pit, who usually had nightmares about the two individuals he mentioned. It was the reason why he slept with the bedroom light on - only for Dark Pit to turn it off every time. "The key is to throw it in something. Like a fireplace, or a tub of electricity."

"Okay. Good point...anyone else would like to add anything?"

"Good point?" Tsubasa questioned Ryu, in disbelief that the fighter was siding with Pit. "What is a tub of electricity?"

"I don't...I'm just trying to make Pit look knowledgeable!"

"With all due respect we know what we're defending against: a twelve-year-old female bully," stated Fox, certain that a twelve-year-old required no self-defense whatsoever. Fox imagined that he could take on any girl of that age, blindfolded. With hands tied behind his back.

"I was a twelve-year-old bully," confessed Viridi; it could be argued that Viridi was twelve forever, what with being a goddess and all.

"Great. I think Viridi should attack Ryu," suggested Ashley, as the others found themselves in agreement. Ryu saw all the agreeing going on, with his mouth agape.

"Yeah, that's not a bad idea, actually, because I have had a lot of pent up aggression. Let's give it a go..." Viridi stood up from her seat, as she made her advance towards Ryu.

"I don't know if this is going to help..." said Ryu as he backed away from Viridi, with a few of the others cheering on for Viridi. "We should stay with some more traditional models..."

"You think you're so pretty, don't you? Well, you're not gonna be so pretty come Prom time!"

"Okay, this is what's called pre-violent posturing. Also, I'm too old for prom..."

"Take that!" Viridi struck Ryu in his shin, and Ryu took it like a man."Not so pre-violent anymore!"

"Okay, I'm at what's called 'the decision point.'" Viridi was about to strike Ryu again, only for Falco to step in between the goddess of nature and Ryu.

"Hey, hey, hey. Viridi, come on now..." Falco said to the goddess of nature, who reached up and struck Falco in the eye. "Ow! My good eye!"

"Oh wow," said Krystal, laughing away as Falco now had two black eyes. A ticked off Falco looked at Krystal - the vixen that he stood up for earlier - as Krystal ceased her laughter. "Oh no, I'm not laughing at you. I'm laughing at, um, something that Villager did outside earlier - yesterday. This morning."

"You know why I got hit by girls?" Falco was now addressing everyone in the Star Records room, having something he needed to get off his chest. "Because I stood up for others. Krystal and for Ryu. I stepped in and I didn't care that I was standing up to girls. You may wanna ask yourselves, 'Where were you when the girls came?'"

Falco: Tough day. Yes. But I feel good. I put the others in their place, took a bunch of painkillers, drank half a bottle of wine, took my pants off. I just feel good!


Sonic was back in his room, back to brushing Shaymin's hair. Mario entered Sonic's room, as he was standing in the doorway.

"I have been-a testing you the entire day," Mario said to Sonic, who kept brushing away on Shaymin. Hard to tell if Sonic was still bitter with Mario or not. "Did you know that?"

"Wouldn't say it was a test...but it was something," replied Sonic, as he looked up and gave Mario eye contact. That was a pretty positive sign.

"And I am happy to say that you have-a passed. So from now on, you shall-a no longer be my best rival...instead, you'll be my bestest rival."

"Is that...really a step-up from before? Sounds like the same thing as a best rival."

"I know, I know, it sounds-a pretty redundant...but it's not that often-a we ignite our rivalry."

"Heh, you're right about that - almost like we got a cold war conflict between the both of us! We're supposed to have a Red vs. Blue dynamic going on!"

"You're right about that...today was-a pretty fun, actually. It was a good-a small step. Hope to have more-a stuff like that between-a us. You know, for our rivalry."

"Yeah, man, gotta keep that rivalry alive and well! Thank you, Sensei." Mario wasn't expecting Sonic to address him as sensei - and it made the plumber feel pretty honored!

"And, ditto." Mario left Sonic's room, taking great joy in knowing that his storied rivalry with Sonic was still very much a thing. Nothing could take that away from him.

Bowser: Mario and Sonic had a fight? A karate fight? Who won?...Sonic won? Ha ha, that's awesome! But did he kill Mario for me?...He didn't? Good-for-nothing hedgehog...he could've saved me from doing all the dirty work!

Master Hand: I told Mario that there is honor in losing. Which, as we all know, is completely ridiculous, but there is, however, honor in making a loser feel better which is what Mario had done for Sonic. A few weeks ago, I said I wanted people to fear how much they loved me - and I think Mario himself proved how much he wanted that same sentiment today, at the dojo.