AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hello! This is the last bit of bonus content before Part 2 is ready to go. I'm SO excited for you all to read it! But for now, enjoy one last look into James's head. This chapter is written in JAMES'S POV and takes place IMMEDIATELY after Lily leaves the wedding. Hope you like it and see you next time for PART 2!


I stumble to a halt and stare dumbly at the spot Lily's just disapparated from; one moment there and the next gone.

Pop.

Just like that, her footprints still etched in the frozen snow.

She kissed me.

It repeats over and over in my head.

She kissed me, she kissed me, she kissed me.

Until a new thought interrupts.

And then she ran away.

But my mind doesn't want to dwell on this bit. Instead, it ignores that fact entirely and circles back to how Lily stopped me before I could leave, ran at me, threw her arms around my neck, and she kissed me.

I don't even know how to process this. My feet are frozen in the snow, there's no one out here but me, and I don't care.

I'm still burning up, because she kissed me.

I've thought about kissing Lily hundreds of times, a hundred different ways. It was just a stupid fantasy, one that Sirius and Peter and Remus love to poke fun at, one that I'd kind of given up after fifth year. Until this year, when things with Lily and me had gotten so much better, and then there'd been a few times where I almost let myself believe that it seemed like she wanted to kiss me.

But I'd learned my lesson. I was playing it safe, I wasn't pushing anything on her, and I was trying my very best not to project any feelings onto her actions.

If anything was going to happen between us, I'd decided, it'd have to come from her.

And I didn't believe for one second that anything was going to happen.

Not when she let me call her Lily. Not when she stopped dreading our tutoring sessions together, not when she came to the Quidditch match, not even when she invited me to the wedding.

I just let myself be relieved that we were finally on friendly terms, and that's it.

Because there were still plenty of other reasons to believe she didn't feel anything like that about me. Like how she went to the Christmas party with bloody Snape, of all people. Or our many bouts of arguing. And, of course, her continuous insistence on calling me 'Potter'.

She really knew how to make a bloke hate his own name.

So, yeah. Even after she sent me a patronus tonight and invited me inside with her and took my hand for a moment, I still did my best to not let myself believe anything of it.

The dancing had been the hardest part. So close to her like that… if Peter hadn't showed up right when he did, Merlin knows I would've broken my own rules and kissed her right then.

At the time I'd been rather irritated with Peter but now I think I'm glad.

She kissed me.

Padfoot's never going to believe this.

Then I remember he's not at home and frown.

But wait – I'd shoved the two-way mirror into his hands earlier, while we'd been patrolling the woods.

"And keep this on you from now on," I'd said, only half faking the irritation. If he hadn't gotten so lax about carrying it around, he and Remus could have gotten here tonight so much quicker.

Then again, I wasn't great at carrying mine around anymore, either. We used to use them so much, but ever since Pads moved in last Christmas, there never really seemed to be a use for them anymore. We were always already with each other, and so the habit of slipping the mirror into my pocket everyday so that I could call on Sirius whenever I wanted had slipped.

Never again.

He's not going to believe this.

I'm not sure I believe this. Lily's only been gone a couple minutes and already I'm starting to wonder if there's any possible way it actually happened. But I look at her footprints in the snow, can still feel all the places her body touched mine, and yes. It happened.

She was here, and it happened and...

That thing my mind had been blocking out comes rushing back in, and all the fire Lily's kiss had lit freezes over.

She ran away.

"Wait! Lily!" I'd called, but she didn't listen. She'd just left.

Merlin, what did that mean?

When it came to Lily, I just never knew.

I have to talk to her.

I have to get home.

I turn on the spot and disapparate.


I pop back into existence from where I'd left all those hours ago, when I'd hurtled away from home and toward Lily, chasing only the wild fear her unusual patronus message had delivered, terrified I'd find her too late.

Only now that I'm back, something here is wrong.

All the lights in the house blaze in the blue night.

My parents are not late-night people. They are night-cap and read the paper and bed by 9:30 people.

And it's now past 11.

As if I hadn't dealt with enough excitement in one night. Death Eaters and explosions and angry sisters and Lily...

I grit my teeth and pull my wand back out of my pocket. Then I sprint for the house.

"Mum!" I shout as soon as I burst through the front door. But it's unnecessary. She sits in an armchair in the front foyer. Dad paces back and forth at the foot of the stairs, but both of them start when the door flings open.

"James," my mum says sharply, getting to her feet. "Where have you been?" She marches across the tile, and her eyes blaze, but when she reaches me, it's to pull me into a tight hug. Even though she's nearly a full head shorter than me, I still feel like a kid when she pulls back and reaches up to try and smooth down my hair.

Dad removes his glasses to rub his eyes. They're both dressed for bed.

"What's going on?" I ask. "Why aren't you in bed?"

"Bed?" Dad asks incredulously. "We could hardly go to bed when our son was missing."

"Missing?" I say. "I wasn't missing."

"You ran out without any explanation, looking like You-Know-Who himself was on your tail, and then Peter leaves nearly as fast, stammering something about an emergency!" Mum says. "Of course we didn't go to bed after that!"

"But I said..." I trail off, rubbing my hair in confusion. Mum, still standing right in front of me, lifts her hand to try and flatten it down again. "The wedding," I finish. "I had to go to the wedding. With Lily."

Mum frowns. "I thought that wasn't happening anymore. And it was so late..."

"Yeah, well, Lily needed me." And I proceed to tell them all about the patronus message, and apparating to Lily, and the Death Eaters in the forest. Mum sinks back into her chair while she listens, and Dad goes to stand by her, then sits on the arm of the chair, a hand laid comfortingly on her shoulder.

"You did well, son," Dad says quietly when I've finished.

"But you shouldn't have gone alone," Mum says.

I look at both of them. Maybe it seems ridiculous, but it never crossed my mind, not even for a second, to bring either one of them with me. And even now, in hindsight, I wouldn't do it.

My parents are wonderful, smart, brave people. Brilliant wizards. Taught me so much of what I know, have given me everything. And... they are old.

More than that.

Elderly.

I look at my mother's hands, wrinkled on her lap. You can no longer tell I get my wild dark hair from my father, because his is silver-gray, sparse, and rapidly receding. Even the way they've both chosen to sit while we talk, the conversation stretching too long for them to comfortably stand.

There was no way I could have taken them with me.

"I'm sorry," I say. "But it turned out alright."

Dad exhales, and I know I was quiet for too long. But he just says, "I'm glad you're okay. And that Sirius and Remus and Peter are, too."

Mum frowns. "I do wish Sirius would have come home, just for minute, to tell us he's fine."

I have to smile at that, at how easily they consider our home to be Sirius's as much as ours.

"I was just about to go up and talk to him," I tell her. "I'll let him know he's lost his status as favorite son. Finally."

Mum smiles. I think she's forgiving me. "You do that. And tell him I expect an owl in the morning."

"Will do." I bend down to hug her again, and this time Dad wraps his arms around us, too. "Sorry I worried you," I whisper.

"Just don't do it again," Mum says. When I step back, I see she's wiping tears away with a shaky hand.

"Oh, Mum…" I say, and kiss the top of her head.

She squeezes my hand. "You didn't promise you wouldn't do it again."

"You know I can't, Mum," I say. She looks at me reproachfully. I continue. "Because if Lily needs me..."

"You'll go. I know that." She smiles sadly, but it's mingled with a touch of pride. "I guess I shouldn't expect anything less of you. And how was Lily tonight? After everything?"

How do I even answer that? She did get attacked by Death Eaters, and thrown out of her sister's wedding, so I feel like answering, "Good," would be downplaying all that. But between the dancing and the conversation and that kiss... well, did that make up for it? At least a little? "Um, okay, I think?" I say.

"You think?" Mum asks, arching her eyebrows.

"We didn't have much time to talk before she left..."

Dad guffaws, and I roll my eyes, even though I'm glad they're relaxing now and not so worried. "Not like that, Dad." Even though maybe it was a little bit like that.

"Maybe you should check and make sure she got home alright, then?" Mum asks, and I grin at her, grateful for the excuse to get up to my room and write Lily. Now that I know Mum and Dad are okay, and they know I am, too, all my questions about the night return in full force.

"Can I borrow an owl?" I ask.

"Just don't use all of them, dear."

When I'm finally alone, I sit down at the desk in my room, rifle out a piece of parchment, take the quill from the ink bottle on the desk top, and start to write.

Dear Lily,

I know it's only been like a half hour since I last saw you, but I had to write you...


"You've got to stop, James," Sirius says. "Like... seriously. No more."

Remus pokes his head over Sirius's shoulder so I can see his reflection in the mirror as well. "He's right. Five letters is entirely too many to have sent since last night."

"But she's not answering," I say. I readjust the two-way mirror I have propped against my knees. "And I keep thinking of more things to say."

"No. More," Remus says.

"Besides, she's probably not even ignoring you," Sirius points out. "Today's New Year's Eve. She's probably just out celebrating."

I sit up on my bed. "Merlin, you're right." I relax and grin. "New Year's plans. Not ignoring me."

"There you go," Remus says. "Now leave Lily alone."

"Of course," I agree, tossing the mirror aside and getting up. "Just one more letter to apologize."

"James, no!" Sirius and Remus both yell at me, but I'm already pushing out the door to track down more parchment.


"What do you think?" I ask.

Peter looks at me from exasperated eyes. He's still holding the armful of socks he'd been hauling back to his room when I'd Floo'd him. "I think you need to stop bothering me so I can finish packing," he says. "We're leaving any minute and I have literally nothing in my trunk. Honestly, you're lucky I was even passing through here to catch your head in the fireplace."

"Not my problem you waited so long," I say. Conversing through the Floo Network has never been my favorite way to communicate, but it'd do for right now. I know I've already got Sirius's and Remus's opinions, but it never hurts to round it out to the full crew. "Come on, Wormtail. You were there at the end of the wedding, you saw us dancing. What do you think?"

Peter sighs, giving up, and sinks into the armchair by the fireplace. The socks tumble out of his arms onto the ground. He ignores the mess. "You're overthinking it, Prongs," he says. "The two of you were a second away from snogging, she clearly fancies you."

"Then why hasn't she written me back? Why did she run away when she DID kiss me?" It's what I keep snagging on, even after Padfoot had pitched the New Year's Eve plans idea. Because she did run away. I probably wouldn't be so caught up on the lack of written response from her today if we'd had a proper good-bye, one that didn't end with Lily panicking and disapparating before I could bloody even process what just happened.

"Hell if I know!" Peter says, and his mother pokes his head into the room.

"Peter," she reprimands. "Language."

"Sorry, Mum," Peter says sulkily.

"Hi, Mrs. Pettigrew," I call.

"Hello, James." She smiles and walks over the hearth. "Hope you're well."

"Mostly," I say. "Can't complain."

"That's exactly what you're doing," Peter mutters.

Either his mum doesn't hear him or chooses to ignore him. That's what I do, anyways. "Don't keep Peter long, though," Mrs. Pettigrew says to me. "We're about to leave, and my dear, silly son still hasn't packed. Pants all over the floor, and now these socks..."

"Mum!" Peter says. His cheeks stain red.

"Of course not," I say. "Just wrapping up."

Mrs. Pettigrew waves on her way out.

"I should go pack," Peter says, still looking embarrassed.

"Wait!" I say. "You still haven't given me any sort of advice!"

"I don't know, James! If you're so worried about her New Year's plans, just invite her to your parents' party or something! Then you can ask her all these questions yourself!"

OF COURSE. If I was fully in the same room as him, not just a head in the fire, I would have clapped him on the shoulder. "Your mum underestimates you, Wormy. You're often full of brilliant ideas."

He rolls his eyes, but now I think his flush is a bit pleased. "Tell her that for me, will you? Merlin knows she listens to you more than me."


"James! Are you really writing another letter?"

"Sorry, Mum," I say, slipping the square of parchment back into my pocket. The quill drips ink on the counter and I hurry to wipe it up with my hand.

"Dear, when I said not to use ALL the owls, I did think I was joking, but now I'm starting to worry." Mum comes all the way into the kitchen and sets a mostly empty tray of spinach puffs down. The room is lit only by the light falling in from the dining room beyond.

"Right," I say. There's laughter from the other room. "Sorry I'm missing the party."

She looks at me for a long moment. "Everything alright?"

"I... yes. Probably. Maybe." Mum raises her eyebrows. I sigh. "Lily... won't write me back."

"You did just see her yesterday. Give her time to answer. She's probably just been busy celebrating the holiday today."

"That's what Sirius said," I say. "But... something happened, and it feels important I talk to her."

Mum leans against the counter. "Want to talk about it?"

"Oh, it's fine," I say. "You've got your party going on."

She glances over her shoulder, back towards the lit and busy dining room. When she looks at me again, she wears a smile. "I think Bathilda can find someone else to tell about the disbanding of the Wizarding Council for a change."

I smile back, relieved. And I don't mind getting out of hearing that story again.

"So what happened?" Mum asks, nudging my arm with a finger.

My hand tightens around my latest letter to Lily.

"She kissed me," I say.

"Oh," Mum says, and I can feel her thoughts go round. "She kissed you? Not the other way around?"

"Mum..."

"Sorry, sorry! Just had to be sure."

That's fair. Mum's heard plenty about Lily over the last seven years, knows all too well how hopeless I am when it comes to her. It's kind of funny to think she's never actually met Lily for all Mum knows about her. I'd pointed her out on the train station once at the beginning of fourth year and Mum had said, "Oh, James, dear... You've got a long four more years ahead of you."

Now, I tell her, "No. Lily definitely kissed me."

"Then what's the problem?" she asks. "Congratulations, by the way."

"The problem is she ran away immediately after she did it and now, like I said, she won't answer any of my letters."

"And you've sent her... how many?"

"I dunno – six? Seven?" I shrug. "Something like that."

She purses her lips. I'm prepared for a lecture similar to the ones Sirius, Remus, and Peter have been giving me all day, but instead, she says, "What's she playing at? No wonder you're worried."

"You don't think I've written her too many times?"

"I mean, yes, I do, but I certainly don't blame you. I'd be out of my mind, too."

I laugh. It's a relief to finally have someone on my side. "You have no idea."

"Euphemia, can I help you with anything back here – oh! Hello, James." Mrs. Walker pauses in the doorway.

"Hi, Mrs. Walker," I say, fighting down a grimace. I hope she hasn't heard what Mum and I were talking about. I'd hate for her to ask Alice about Lily and me, and then for Alice to relay to Lily how I'd been talking to my mum about her.

Mum turns to her. "I'm fine, Laurel. Just was restocking the spinach puffs and got sidetracked talking to my son."

I grab the pan of the extras and load them up on Mum's tray. "Sorry," I say, but Mrs. Walker just smiles and shakes her head.

"Not to worry! We mums have to make use of all the time we get with our children. I feel I barely see Alice, and then she wants to bring home a boy for Christmas holidays and I just can't believe we're at this stage of life! I swear she's still thirteen, but no, she's not, and Frank is a very nice boy, but still. Can't believe it." She looks at me. "Do you know Frank?"

"Of course," I say. "He's great."

Mum smiles at me as she and Mrs. Walker head back for the dining room. "Come with us, James," she says gently. "Join the party and tell Laurel more about how great Frank is so she won't worry about Alice so much. She's right – we mums need all the time with our children we can get, especially now that you're all getting so much older."

The letter shifts against my palm.

"I'll be right there," I promise. And I mean it.

I've just got to send this off first.


And there goes midnight. Officially the new year.

Officially more than twenty-four hours since Lily and the kiss.

Twenty-four hours of badgering the boys and writing Lily and worrying my mum and silence.

Why isn't she answering?

I'd been so sure last night. It had all be so bloody perfect. We'd made up from the dinner. She'd needed me. When she'd been in trouble, more than anyone else, she'd thought of me. We'd fought together, on the same side for once. We'd won.

And then she'd danced with me and told me she trusted me and called me 'James' and already it was the best night it could have been. It was all so much that I was starting to hope that all the stuff I'd been daring to suspect in the last month might actually be true. There were times when I caught Lily looking at me and it was with such affection, such a different expression than I ever remembered her looking at me with that I thought… maybe. Maybe we could get somewhere.

But, yeah, it'd still been operating under the chance of maybe something happening. In the future. I mean, hell, I'd wanted to kiss her at the end of the night, of course I did. But I was fine just reveling in the fact that she didn't hate me anymore, that we're actually friends now. So even though, yes, I would have liked to end the night with something more than a "see you at school," I was fine just to leave after all we had accomplished that evening.

And then she kissed me.

I know I'm getting annoying not being able to leave it alone, not able to stop bothering Sirius and the rest about it, but I can't help it. It sounds impossible every time I say it, every time I think it, like a bloody bedtime tale for kids.

Lily kissed me.

And for a few glorious hours I'd let myself believe that. That I was living the dream and she'd kissed me because she likes me and that this was just the beginning of something, something I'd wanted for a very long time.

I was a bit delirious on happiness at first, actually.

After sending Lily the first couple letters, I'd contacted Sirius on the two-way mirror.

"Padfoot!" I hissed at my reflection. I wanted to shout until he picked up, but it was well past midnight and as understanding and supportive as Mum had been all evening, I thought I'd better not wake her and Dad. "Padfoot!"

"Merlin, Prongs, do you bloody know what time it is?" Sirius's sleepy face swam into view, barely visible in the dark of our dorm at Hogwarts. He was rubbing his eyes. "Thought by living away from home for a couple nights I'd get a break but no…" I let him talk it out. Sirius is a grump when he wakes up, but only for a minute while he transitions from asleep to fully awake. He yawned. "Fine, whatever. What is it? Something happen after Moony and I left you and Evans alone?" He barked a laugh, his natural teasing disposition already back.

"Lily kissed me," I blurted. It was the first time I'd said it aloud.

Sirius cut off mid-laugh. "She what?"

"You guys all left, and it was just us, and I was about to leave too, and it just happened, and I can't quite believe it happened, and –"

Sirius shook his head. "Whoa. Stop. I'm sorry, I can't help you. Give me a minute. I'm having a hard time here. You're saying SHE kissed YOU?"

"YES."

"Huh." Sirius sat back against the head of his bed. "Well, this is unexpected."

"I know," I agreed. I made myself similarly comfortable leaning back against my pillow.

"And?" he asked.

I let my grin out, full force. "It was pretty great."

He rolled his eyes, but his grin in response was visible even in the darkness. "You're about to get really obnoxious about this, aren't you?"

He wasn't wrong.

But the more time that's passed since then, the more time I have to ruminate about what it means that she ran away and hasn't answered and now I'm out of my mind worried I've read this all wrong.

Leave it to me to jump to conclusions. It was just a kiss, after all. Yes, to me, that kiss had meant... a lot. The world. The fulfillment of a wildest, most impossible dream. But not all kisses were like that. I'd kissed Carol plenty last year and none of those kisses had meant anything like that. It was a good time, sure, but it didn't mean anything.

Oh, Merlin. That's what this was, I was sure of it. Last night had been a high-adrenaline time; Lily had been all worked up from the battle and the wedding complications and worrying about the Death Eaters returning for her family and it had all come out in that one kiss she probably regrets. She's probably out with muggle friends tonight, probably saying some other bloke's name and kissing him just because it's midnight, and I'm the sucker sitting at home alone, pining and thinking a kiss meant anything.

I feel like such an idiot.

Well.

If that's the case, I'll know soon enough.

After all, Lily can't avoid me forever. I'll see her on the train on Monday, barely more than twenty-four hours away at this point. We'll talk then, get this all straightened out. And I will be fine whatever she decides to say.