Seated behind the curved news desk, Courtney Tyler and Libby Folfax smiled and straightened their papers as the camera's red light blinked on.

"Happy Friday, everybody! I'm Libby Folfax."

"And I'm Courtney Tyler."

Libby's grin broadened as she leaned back in her chair. "And we're here with another episode of the R.M.S. Report. For those I.O.P. students we haven't seen in two weeks, let's fill you in on everything that's happened since then."

Courtney nodded and said, "As you all remember, last I.O.P. day we were terrorized by a masked vigilante hell-bent on wedgying every bully in the district. The so-called Black Atom was revealed to be nine-year-old Aashna Shaan. Since Aashna's capture, reports of wedgies at R.M.S. have dropped by 29%."

Libby added, "And the severity of wedgies has decreased by 99%. In other news, Principal Clarke started a new student organization to keep R.M.S. safe. Heroes Against Ludicrous Labors Pursuant to Adopting School Safety, or H.A.L.L.P.A.S.S., is being spearheaded by resident boy genius Jimmy Neutron. Though some still hold a grudge with Neutron after he launched the school into a secret foam war, his success in wrangling the Black Atom has brought him back into good graces for most."

Courtney chimed in, "Thanks to Jimmy and his team's hard work, the gym's stolen vending machines have been found, the Great Prank War reached an official armistice, and a lice outbreak was quarantined."

Libby nodded and went on, "Lastly, the Spring Fling has officially sprung. Dances across the school district went smoothly. Of special note is that at Retroville High School, our own hall monitor Yen Ito was crowned Spring Queen. I'm told that's quite the honor for a tenth-grader."

Courtney grinned and said, "Absolutely. Of course, the Spring King was Aldous Oldman. I asked Yen's date, Bennett Stone, how he felt about not ascending to R.H.S.'s monarchy. Instead of answering like a normal person," Courtney narrowed her eyes, "he simply looked annoyed, then confused, and then unsettlingly forlorn. He stared at me in silence until I had to leave."

"Fascinating," Libby said. "Well, those are all the major beats. We'll be back to dive into some more detail after Deep Dish with Meagan Miller." As Courtney rolled her eyes and mouthed obscenities, Libby added, "Take it away, Meagan."

Donk-dicka-donk-da-cha, that's spicy!

A folding chair sailed over the girls' heads as Meagan roared, "Whatever happened to recess?!"


As Meagan straddled her backup chair, a sweaty Secret Service agent clicked off the television hanging in the corner of R.M.S.'s weight room. Like his partner lying on the weight bench, Haymaker sported a regulation buzzcut drenched in sweat. Both teens had shed their usual jet black suits for charcoal basketball shorts and a grey T-shirt.

Behind the teen, a haggard voice stiltedly croaked, "Why…did…you do that?"

Haymaker spun around and crossed his arms. His partner gasped for breath and struggled to keep the 120 pounds of weight from crushing his throat. "Because Deep Dish is too distracting. You've gotta focus on finishing your set."

The thirteen year-old lying under the weights panted and groaned, "Too much weight. Distraction helped."

The standing boy scoffed and marched towards his partner. "You want a distraction, Trigger? Well here's something to focus on. That is not a barbell in your hands, it's a raft. Lying on it is President Vortex, and she is sinking."

Trigger moaned while asking, "She's going down?"

"Yeah, she's going down," Haymaker nodded. "And it isn't water she's plunging into, it's lava."

Tears spilled down Trigger's face as he screamed, "Why did we take that field trip to Kilauea?!"

"You're the only thing keeping Vortex from a fiery death. Now lift her out!"

"Wait," Trigger's eyes bulged, "does that mean I'm in the lava?"

"Oh, you're in the lava, boy."

"Hrrmygud I'm not ready."

"Well ready or not here you are. Now save our president!"

"Remember me!" Trigger screamed with the last air in his lungs.

The weights shot up. As soon as they were held high, Trigger threw them to the floor. The building shook from the impact and Haymaker clasping Trigger's palm.

"Now that's what I'm talking about!" Haymaker grinned madly while hoisting Trigger to his feet. Trigger smiled back, then buckled to his knees. "Whoa," Haymaker gently pulled him back up. "Are you okay?"

Trigger blinked in confusion, then wobbled in place. "Just worn out. I could use a protein bar."

"I'll get you one," Haymaker promised while slinging Trigger's left arm over his shoulder. "My locker's near here and stocked full of them."

Trigger blinked in confusion and stared aimlessly around as Haymaker helped him stumble through the empty halls. They were nearly at the locker when he collapsed to the linoleum. "Dark, cold," he whispered as his eyelids drifted shut.

"Stay with me," Haymaker begged while grabbing his partner's hands and dragging him around the final corner. "Just a few more seconds and we're there. Then -"

His voice stopped dead as Trigger's weight. Five feet in front of them lay Haymaker's locker, its door lazily swinging open.

Haymaker gasped while dropping Trigger's palms. He stumbled towards the locker and shoved the door aside. He desperately rifled through textbooks, hand grippers, and walkie-talkies. Everything was in place except what he most needed.

"No," Haymaker whispered. He finally found a ripped paper bag that was far too light. His heart and hopes dropped as he tore the sack open to reveal that it was empty.

"NO!" Haymaker roared while collapsed to his knees. A few students and teachers peeked out of nearby classrooms. They glared in annoyance as Haymaker crawled towards his friend with tears streaming down his cheeks. He threw his body across the still, pale form and screamed, "TRIGGERRRRR!"


Across the school near the administration wing, Cindy Vortex sat in her oval office. She absent-mindedly flipped through a few manila folders and stray papers before grabbing a half-empty can of Purple Flurp. She sniffed the flat drink and took a depressing sip.

"Ugh," Cindy groaned while shoving the can aside and reaching for a different source of comfort.

She flipped on her walkie-talkie, adjusted the frequency, and thumbed the push-to-talk button. "This is President Vortex, calling any available H.A.L.L.P.A.S.S. agent, over." She waited, then flashed her first smile of the day when a suave voice answered.

"This is Agent Nick Dean, answering your hail. What's the situation, over?"

"One of critical boredom and exhaustion, over."

Cindy leaned back and smiled as she heard an amused huff. "Cindy, are you really clogging up the emergency line with a social call?"

"I may in fact be so bold. You gonna report me?"

Cindy could picture Nick's sardonic grin clear as day. "I could be persuaded to let you off with a warning. What's got you so worn down?"

"Libby painted a bright picture on the news, but you know how I.O.P days are. We're barely through homeroom and the school's hanging by a thread. Plus, Clarke wants me to help plan Field Day, the Archeology Club wants to excavate Ms. Wolf's classroom for some reason, and there's a petition to ban more of H.A.L.L.P.A.S.S.'s technology."

Nick groaned. "Jimmy already gave up our Hypno-beams and Shrink Rays. What more do they want?"

"The R.M.S.O.S.H.A. thinks having jetpacks is a problem."

"Is this because Aashna set the gym on fire?"

"If I had to guess, yes."

"She didn't do it on purpose."

"I don't think that gives them a lot of comfort." As Nick groaned, Cindy asked, "Anyway, how are you holding up?"

"Being on call is dull as heck," Nick answered. "I've been switching between writing up the week's reports and staring at the wall. The latter's way more fun."

Cindy asked. "Why don't you head upstairs and take a break in The Spittoon? A drink with Ike is almost as much fun as talking to me."

Nick hesitated, then said, "You're selling yourself short."

Cindy arched an eyebrow. "I haven't seen you two hang out this week. Is everything okay?"

Nick was quiet a long minute, then answered, "Sure. I'm just on duty, that's all. So no drinks." Before Cindy could probe any further he added, "But I do have plenty of time. So you're welcome to swing by in person if you need a break."

"I wish I could, but I've got back to work." Cindy danced her fingers along the nearest folder before flicking it farther away. "Wish I didn't, though." Nick stayed quiet until she admitted, "I love being president, but it does get old sometimes. Sitting here alone in this office, worrying about every little thing that goes wrong, not wanting to let Clarke down. If I wasn't stuck here, I could be helping Libby script her show. Or mix drinks with Ike. Or," she closed her eyes and savored the idea, "be in H.A.L.L.P.A.S.S. with all of you."

"That would be amazing. Jimmy would kill to have you as a partner."

"Jimmy?" Cindy scoffed. "I spend half my classes and every minute outside school with him. I'd be your partner."

Nick was quiet for a long moment. Eventually, he managed, "Like old times."

Neither child said a thing until Cindy's walkie-talkie beeped. "Nick, I'm getting a message. I'll call you back."

"I'll be waiting, m'lady."

A smile flickered and faltered as Cindy switched frequencies. "Whoever this is, you're interrupting something important. So I hope -"

"Cindy," Betty's urgent voice interrupted, "you need to come to the nurse's office. One of your Secret Service agents is hurt."


Cindy shoved the door open and stormed past the handful of students in the waiting room. She made a beeline for the unconscious teenager lying on one of the exam tables. Flanking him was Betty, Nurse Holt, and Haymaker.

"Trigger," Cindy gasped. "What happened?"

"It was my fault, ma'am," Haymaker moaned. "We were pumping iron and I pushed him too hard. If I hadn't forced him to lift that last set…"

"It's the thief's fault, young man. Not yours." Nurse Holt assured him. "And your friend would be in a lot worse shape if you hadn't carried him over here."

Betty faced Cindy and explained, "Trigger's blood sugar crashed. Haymaker brought him to his locker where there were some protein bars. But the food was missing. Just like the others."

Nurse Holt went on, "But he's doing better now. How did we treat him, Betty?"

Betty scrunched her face in thought, then answered, "A dextrose solution to raise blood glucose, bolus of fluids to maintain blood pressure, and diazepam for the tremors."

"Perfect," Nurse Holt said with a proud smile.

Everyone glanced at Trigger as he groaned and started to stir. Haymaker immediately grabbed his right hand as Cindy squeezed his left. Trigger's eyes opened and he stared at the group in confusion. "What's going on?"

"You got hurt," Haymaker explained, "but you're better now."

Trigger swallowed hard, stared at Cindy clutching his hand, and averted his gaze. "I'm supposed to be the one taking care of you."

"It goes both ways," Cindy promised.

As Nurse Holt began to explain what had happened to the teen, Betty walked towards Cindy and whispered in her ear, "Can we talk?"

Cindy nodded, patted Trigger's hand, and followed Betty into Nurse Holt's office. She watched as Betty closed the door behind her and rested her back against it. Cindy leaned on the nurse's desk as Betty offered a simple statement. "He got lucky."

Cindy sighed. "How bad was it?"

"Tremors was an understatement. He was starting to have a seizure when Haymaker burst through the door." Betty glanced at the floor and added, "I've never seen one before. It's…intense."

"Thank you," Cindy met Betty's tired eyes. "For keeping it together and helping him."

"Well, we've had plenty of practice this week," Betty answered. Cindy stared at at her shoes as Betty said, "If Haymaker hadn't been there and gotten him here so quick, Trigger might be in an actual hospital." She hesitated, then added, "Isn't there anything you can do?"

Cindy glared at Betty, then pictured Trigger lying unconscious and wrapped her arms across her chest. "I've been trying to stop this. I put every spare hall monitor on the case as soon as the first kid was rushed here."

Betty sighed and crossed the room. She gently moved a few of Nurse Holt's things aside and sat next to Cindy. "I'm not blaming you. I'm sure you're doing the best you can, and it's not like you're the one stealing people's lunches. But if another kid ends up like Trigger and we run out of dextrose, it's going to be bad. So," she and Cindy locked eyes, "is there anything else we can do to catch this thief?"

Cindy thought for a brief moment, then stared at the walkie-talkie on her hip. "Yes. I'll handle it."

Betty managed a slim smile and jerked her head towards the door. "Then I'll handle him. Good luck, Cindy."

"I'd offer you the same," Cindy said while pushing herself off the desk and heading out of the office. "Except you don't need it."


Cindy walked as briskly as she could back to her office and closed the door behind her. As soon as she was certain that she wouldn't be overheard, Cindy activated her walkie-talkie. "This is President Vortex hailing the on-call H.A.L.L.P.A.S.S. agent, over."

Nick's relaxed voice answered, "I thought we agreed no overs, copies, or outs on social calls. So what was -"

"Agent Dean," Cindy bristled, "I need your help."