I'm gratified at the attention the first chapter of On the Delights of Drinking Blood got. Chapter 2 and 3, which are currently completed, are less humorous and more dark, though they still have humour. I think it's partly the exposition that needs to be gotten out of the way, plus having Harry learn he is a vampire, work off the understandable anger (offscreen), and take his first steps to becoming a darker Harry Potter. The story itself won't be published for a while yet: I want to get some writing of my normal fiction (as opposed to fanfic) done.

It was while doing this chapter that I decided I was going to do some Weasley bashing. I normally don't do so, save for some very mild retrospective bashing in a few of my post-Hogwarts fanfics, but in this fic, for once, I'm going to do Ron-bashing, Ginny-bashing, and Molly-bashing. I generally don't: Dumbledore has more reason to be bashed than they do IMO, but for this story, it fits. So, Weasley-lovers, I am sorry.

EDIT (9/2/2017): Unfortunately, while writing a continuation of this story, it got too bogged down in angst. I've done a few more rewrites, and the first three chapters of the full version of the story will be published later today. It was hard to get right, but for a darkly comic story, it was worth it.


ON THE DELIGHTS OF DRINKING BLOOD

CHAPTER 2:

ON THE NECESSITY OF TURNING HARRY POTTER INTO A VAMPIRE

(ORIGINAL VERSION)

"All around Hogwarts Castle, the Wrackspurts chased the Nargles, the Wrackspurts thought 'twas all in good fun, POP! goes the Nargles," Luna sang softly to herself as she skipped along the corridor(1). She was thinking about the various ways she could finally deal with the Nargles, now she was a Real Fucking Vampire. Nargles being the pet name she had for the bullies in Ravenclaw who hid her stuff.

While eating them held a certain appeal, she did have to be judicious in how she dealt with them. Targeting Slytherins would call down the wrath of Snape and Dumbledore. Eating anyone from other Houses would call down the wrath of the rest of the staff. Which was why she settled for warding her belongings (she didn't know why she hadn't thought of this before) with charms that acted as the magical equivalent of tasers. On her first day back here, she found Marietta Edgecomb twitching on the floor, shitting herself. And when Flitwick confronted Luna, she merely retorted that he had done fuck-all to stop the bullying against her, so she was doing what she needed to do.

Any attempts at retaliation were quashed when Luna had persuaded the Weasley Twins to help her out. The Weasleys were mostly sheep following Dumbledore and his Judas Goat blindly to the slaughter, but a few were capable of critical thought…though the Twins usually worked in deconstruction, of the rules and mores of society, of social convention…and of anyone who needed taking down a peg or two. And they willingly agreed to humiliate anyone who dared to hurt Luna. While currently unaware of her new status as a Real Fucking Vampire, they were willing enough minions that she idly considered turning them. Anyway, they at least viewed her as a little sister, whereas most in the Weasley family saw her as an irritation at best. Even her former friend Ginny, of late, had seen her as such. Ever since Harry Potter had rescued her in the Chamber of Secrets.

Of course, she knew why. Luna knew that Dumbledore wasn't the kindly old grandfather figure he made himself out to be. What better way for a true Dark Lord to disguise himself than as an eccentric grandfather figure and who, by stealth, false humility and diffidence, had attained three of the highest offices in Magical Britain? He wasn't all-powerful, true, but that was the thing. He didn't need to appear all-powerful. There were, after all, many kinds of power.

Luna could see sideways in time, and while in many realities, Dumbledore was a genuinely decent person, albeit a manipulative man who was blinkered to many, though not all, of his faults (and those of others), unfortunately, this particular iteration of Luna Lamia Lovegood was living in the reality where he was an utter twat. But then again, that was going to make tearing down his carefully-orchestrated plans and his so-called Greater Good all the more enjoyable.

Of course, there was one thing she needed to do. Her Sight was acting up of late, and the visions were even more confusing than ever. But one thing that she did see was that Harry Potter needed help before long. And the problem was, he wasn't getting it. Dumbledore had too much influence. Harry was being shaped into a weapon, and as a sacrificial lamb, a messianic figure doomed to die so that Dumbledore would retain his power over Magical Britain.

Well, Luna had her own way of dealing with that. She was waiting until the time was right, when Harry would be at a point where he would be more willing to listen to her offer. She didn't want to be manipulative, not like the old wether(2), but Harry needed to be in a situation where he realised he needed more power.

Of course, once he learned of what she did shortly before the return to Hogwarts, maybe he might be more amenable…


Harry tried not to swear profusely. But it was getting increasingly hard to do so. He had just been entered into the Tri-Wizard Tournament against his will, and most of the school believed he had found a way to enter himself. And everyone else still thought he should compete, due to some malarkey about a magical contract.

So preoccupied was he with his thoughts shortly after parting ways with Cedric Diggory that he didn't even notice anyone nearby until he was suddenly yanked off his feet and pulled into an alcove. And even then, he had no idea what the hell happened for a while, as he saw a pair of large, pale eyes that seemed to strobe and fluoresce.

For a time, he drifted in the dark oblivion of unconsciousness, only distantly aware of a pain in his neck, an even greater pain in his forehead, and a general sense of pain everywhere. He had gotten used to the latter, thanks to the Dursleys in his time as their little House Elf.

The next thing he knew, he was waking up in what seemed like a living room of some kind, not unlike the common room of Gryffindor Tower. He was seated in a very comfortable armchair, and opposite him, drinking what seemed to be a glass of red wine, was a girl in Ravenclaw robes.

She had dirty blonde hair, rather protuberant pale eyes, and a general sense of dottiness to her, apparently reading a book upside down. He noted a Time-Turner hanging on a chain around her neck, along with what looked like a Butterbeer cork on a crude necklace. She looked vaguely familiar, though he didn't know why. She was probably in the year below him, given her looks.

But there was this strange air about her. Like there was madness and intelligence and darkness and insanity clashing within her like a storm. He didn't know why he felt that coming from her. But oddly enough, he wasn't afraid of it. In fact, he felt almost comforted, and he didn't know why. Except…maybe this was someone who was more than a little broken inside.

Like he was.

"Sorry about doing this," she said in an ethereal voice, not looking at him. "I was afraid that if I gave you the chance to decline, you would have done so. As a great man once said, stress and nervous tension are major problems in the galaxy, and it is to relieve such things that I will let you know the good news before I hit you with what will make you upset at the very least." Another arm seemed to emerge from her robes, and began counting off the points she made. "One, I mean you absolutely no ill-will or intent to do deliberate harm, and I intend to help you stop your enemies from hurting you ever again. That includes Voldemort, his Snake Eaters, and the menagerie you are forced to call relatives. Two, I will be completely honest with you whenever sanity allows, and I will swear a magical vow to that effect if you wish. Three, we have moved about eight hours back in time, and we are currently in one of Hogwarts' secret rooms, known either as the Come and Go Room, or the Room of Requirement. Food and drink is BYO due to Gamp's Law, but otherwise, it can create almost anything. Four, you had a bit of Voldemort's soul in your head, but it's gone now. Five…did you ever see The Daily Prophet when they announced the death and disappearance of a number of Death Eaters?"

Harry, a little overwhelmed by the sudden information dump, not to mention that this girl had grown an extra fucking arm, could only nod mutely. Hoo boy, he remembered it. In the aftermath of the Quidditch World Cup and the riot afterwards, there were a number of articles in that 'esteemed' newspaper criticising the Ministry of Magic. Harry got the feeling that a lot of it needed to be criticised anyway, given how sloppy everything had been, the way he saw it. Like Hagrid being dragged off to Azkaban without trial because of the Chamber of Secrets fiasco, the miscarriage of justice against his godfather, the inability to organise the Quidditch World Cup…

Anyway, there had been an article about a break-in at Azkaban. And a possible break-out, but nobody was able to tell for sure whether the prisoners had actually escaped, or had been killed. After all, there was a lot of blood and gore coating the high-security area.

After a moment, Harry realised why she had asked that. "That was you?"

She smiled, putting down her book and her glass of wine. The third arm vanished in a cloud of shadow. "Yep. I'm Luna Lovegood, but most people call me Looney. You are Harry Potter, but most people call you the Boy Who Lived. I'm sure we despise our respective epithets. They say a rose by any other name would smell just as sweet, but Shakespeare was being rather too naïve. Or maybe he had too many Wrackspurts, they can infect Muggles."

Harry blinked. He would have said that he was rapidly losing a grip on the situation, but that implied he had any to begin with. And why the hell did he have a strange case of thirst? He'd just been at the Halloween Feast (where the other students celebrated his parents' murder, something he couldn't get over: okay, they were celebrating the defeat of Voldemort, but still…), and he had been full, and had drunk enough to ensure thirst would not be an issue.

"Do you think I'm mad?" The question came out of nowhere, and Harry didn't know how to respond to that, before she said, "Oh, it's okay. The best type of people are usually mad to some degree or another. Sadly, so are the worst sort of people. Personally, I think it's more fun to be insane. This world is nothing but." Her countenance became rather solemn. "Like tonight. Someone put your name into the Goblet of Fire. Someone who wants you dead, or at least run ragged through the year. Remember, for all Bagman and Crouch's assurances of the Tri-Wizard Tournament being safer, they still had an Age Line around it. And yet, someone bypassed it, cast a Confundus on the Goblet to accept your name under a different school, and chucked your name into it. Yes, I know you didn't. No, I don't know who did. But I thought you would need my help, hence my taking the liberty of bringing you here."

Harry, after a moment, nodded. It seemed like the right thing to do. After all, he could see no doors or windows, which meant he was trapped here with this semi-deranged girl. But at the same time…he felt strangely at ease around her in some regards. She had been utterly candid with him in a way few had been. Still, he couldn't deny a nagging feeling that something was going to go wrong very soon. Either that, or he was REALLY getting thirsty. He hadn't felt this way since he was locked in the cupboard for days on end.

"Incidentally," she said, "if you feel you're beginning to trust me quicker than you normally would, that's normal, from what I've read. I suggest fighting it so that you can trust me normally, rather than due to the sire-fledgling bond."

Harry gaped. "What?"

She indicated the walls of the room. "Why do you think there's no windows or doors at the moment? I thought, if you got angry with what I'm about to tell you, we could fight it out. Hence why I took the Time-Turner. You'll probably get angry at what I did to you, Harry. Don't worry, you can't hurt me much. But let me tell you, before you get angry, is that I have made you harder, better, faster, and stronger. You'll need that for the Tri-Wizard Tournament. You'll need that to face Voldemort. Otherwise, you will die a martyr's death. Which isn't a bad way to go if you are going to die, but frankly, I'm sure that you'd prefer to live first."

Harry's suspicion that Murphy's Law was going to rear its ugly head any second now. Luna was trying to help him, if she wasn't lying. But was it going to be anything like how Dobby tried to help him? "What did you do to me?"

Luna sighed, gathering herself together, before she said, in four words, something that had his world crashing down around him.

"You're a vampire, Harry."


Ten minutes later, as Harry panted, his anger now back down to a simmering heat, the wreckage of furniture all around them, scorch marks on the wall, Luna Lovegood said, in an understanding tone of voice, and despite her slightly tattered clothes, "That's a perfectly understandable reaction, Harry."

CHAPTER 2 ANNOTATIONS:

So, Luna's ganked Harry and turned him into a vampire. Now, I decided to skip the major outburst of anger simply because that's no fun to write, and we can get to the more funny stuff in the next chapter. So for those of you worried that Luna isn't as funny this time, rest assured, we will get back to that.

Also, why would Luna not ask Harry's permission? Well, she tends to march to the beat of her own drum, even in canon, and being a vampire would make her more prone to doing things, and seeking forgiveness rather than permission. But she also knew that would have consequences, so she let him attack her. Although she will do a few things for Harry's good without letting him know beforehand, she will at least explain afterwards.

Incidentally, the concept of Luna 'electrifying' her belongings, catching one of her bullies, and berating Flitwick for allowing the bullying to happen, comes from Faery Heroes by Silently Watches, one of the many Lunar Harmony time travel fics inspired by one of Paladeus' challenges. Oh, and it's the only one that I know of that is finished.

1. A reference to Tiny Tina's introduction in Borderlands 2. Okay, Luna doesn't exactly blow up her bullies while singing her own version of Pop Goes the Weasel, but even so, it was too appealing to ignore.

2. A wether is another name for a castrated goat. I stumbled across this while researching one of my Dumbledore-bashing fics, and found this a good insult for either the bashable Dumbledore, or else for enemies of the canon Dumbledore.