Enjoy!
Chapter 3: Lines
"What do you think is the purpose of a shinobi?" Kaede stopped picking herbs at the soft, very much unexpected, question, which came from her companion. She turned, still crouched, to see him properly taking a break from weights, like he'd promised he'd do.
Nanashi, or as she'd recently found out, Haku, was rather handsome. No, that word didn't quite do him justice. Pretty or beautiful was more accurate. Kaede wasn't sure what had decided that for her, but something had. Because, since the moment of his arrival at the Temple as a comatose patient, she had had difficulties keeping him and his fate at arm's length. She wasn't sure if it was his age, being so close to her own. Or if it was his beautiful, because, that was the only word she could use to describe it, face. Or perhaps the gentle demeanor that he had. Maybe the willingness to help anyone and everyone. Still, no matter how long of a time she spent with Nanashi, she couldn't quite stop and pause at his prettiness. It was oddly… startling. As if his presence she'd gotten used to and enjoyed, but his face still remained some kind of an untouchable or unreachable entity, to remain unknown to her. Silly, she knew. Still, it made her pause.
"The purpose of a shinobi…" Kaede repeated, buying time to think on it. "I suppose it's to serve?" She finally said, almost a bit too quietly, almost a bit too much to herself. She turned back to the plants in front of her, picking a fresh flower she could utilize.
"Serve the government?" He asked again, obviously having heard the reply. Kaede paused, watching a small dragonfly fly about the herb garden, landing on one of the non-toxic plants. It was a beautiful, yet sad creature. Kind of like herself. Kind of like the boy asking her all of the questions recently. To live only for a few weeks. Kaede didn't pity it. She admired its vivaciousness. The voracity of its appetite. The tenacity of the small thing. It flew over to her and landed on her finger, likely due to all the plants she'd touched.
"Just… serve," Kaede concluded. "Not all shinobi serve the government. Some serve their masters, some their families, some themselves. But they all serve the system. They are bred for the system. Trained for the system. And they die for the system." The dragonfly flew off. Kaede turned to the young man sitting on the bench, only to find him deep in thought. "Would you have preferred not to have known who and how you'd served?" At that, he laughed and her stomach jumped. Nanash- Haku, Haku was beautiful. Even more so when he smiled. And she felt like she was the most important person in the world when he looked at her like he was at that very moment.
"No," he finally said, resolute. "I don't want to forget. I'm not allowed to." She tilted her head to the side, frowning.
"You're allowed to do whatever you want," she retorted. "Forget if you want, remember if you want." He looked somber for a brief moment, then offered her that shield of a smile he always did. It was different than the one he'd shown before. The shield he usually put on his face was muscles only. No feeling behind it. She could tell. She had been one of those, as well. Those who put an automatic smile on her face. Before the Temple. Before she was able to breathe. That smile was suffocating. "Haku," she called out, making him jump a bit and refocus on her, as if he hadn't even been looking at her. He'd been too far away in his memories, for certain. "You don't have to smile if you don't want to." At that, he appeared stunned.
"I was smiling?"
"Yes," the girl replied, picking another flower. "You don't have to do anything you don't want to, smiling included. Do what you feel like doing. Nothing more, nothing less." He sighed in such a sad way that she couldn't resist looking back at him, intruding on the intimate moment of his thoughts. Kaede thought that he looked so beautifully broken at that very second. She recalled her own appearance in the mirror, the uneven, ripped hair, the mud on her old, torn kimono, the vacant look in her eyes and the bruised skin. Most of all, she recalled the crusted blood on her skin, the iron stench and stain which didn't leave from underneath of her nails for weeks. She recalled the desire to smash her head into the mirror until she couldn't see or feel or breathe.
She stood, dropping her plants into the small basket and walked over to the young man. He appeared startled by her movement for a brief second and then, he took in a sharp breath as she leaned down and hugged his head into her stomach. She patted his hair gently, still feeling guilty that it was such a short length from the old one, and caressed his back with her other hand softly. He didn't say anything. But, his breathing evened out very quickly and he took a deep, slow breath and then hugged around her middle.
Kaede didn't know how long they stayed like that. She didn't know who needed that embrace more, him or her. Maybe it was her selfish desire to ease her guilt over his current state. Maybe it was her seeing her younger self in him. Maybe it was him desiring comfort. Maybe it was something entirely different, what she couldn't even guess. All she knew was that they both needed the physical contact and warmth of another living person very badly at that very moment. So, they gave it to each other.
Kaede found him sitting at the bottom of the stairs, sweating all too much for a simple walk up and down. Immediately, she frowned.
"Who was it again who said they knew what their body could handle?" She came over, the wicker basket full of dry herbs leaning against her hip for balance. He offered her a ragged laugh and a bright smile, but she knew that tactic all too well.
Nana-Haku. Haku smiled his way out of things. He spoke politely and got one to forget why they had been scolding him in the first place. He smiled his way out of torn stiches and hidden wounds and hurts. He polited his way out of nagging about pacing and into more stamina building. Not to even mention the endurance training for shinobi, which he should not have even attempted. He was a slippery, sly one that was certain to be popular with the old ladies, she would know.
"I'm fine," he assured, but the flush on his beautiful face and the quick breaths he was taking told a whole different story.
"Riiight," Kaede said. "Hand, please." Without a smidgeon of hesitation, he extended his hand so that she would help him rise. But, she didn't. Instead, Kaede flipped his arm palm upwards gently and grabbed onto his wrist, finding his pulse easily.
"Ah, n-no-" One look from her got him to not finish that complaint. He stayed still, looking down at the floor abashedly, like a child she'd caught with his hand in the cookie jar.
"This isn't even pushing it," Kaede sighed, done with her counting. "This is what I call leaping over the line of sanity." His head jerked up, mouth opening to argue, but gods, she wouldn't fall into that honey trap of his doe eyes again. "Not even shinobi do this, so there's no excuse." His head went down again, no argument there.
"Sorry," he mumbled into his knees. Kaede steeled her patience. She would need infinite amounts of self-control and patience with this one, she'd known it from the moment he was brought into the Temple, unconscious.
"There's no need for apologies," she told him, crouching down in front of him. She let go of his hand for a brief moment to lay her basket down and then reached out, taking both of his hands into hers. "You're doing what you wish to do with your body. It's yours. You may do as you like with it."
"But I-" he began, and she shook her head.
"What I hate is that you won't take my advice as a healer, but I can't and, more importantly, won't stop you from doing as you wish." She patted his hands gently. "I wish you would take care of yourself more, treasure yourself more, because you are precious to everyone here." She could see on his sweaty face that his head was going in overdrive. He was always like that. Doing all the thinking on his own, never talking about it. But, that was fine, as well. Kaede had seen many patients in her years. Those who were saved from the brink of death and survived. Those who were saved from the brink of death and lived. Those who were saved from the brink of death and died. Perhaps she was being all too selfish to impose her desires on him, but she wanted him to be of the middle kind. She wanted him to live. "But that is my wish," she concluded. "I won't force it on you in any way or manner. I just want you to know that there are people here who genuinely care for you and your wellbeing and we would love to see you thrive." He chuckled, offering that same defensive smile he always did.
"If I'd known that some stairs would get me nagging from you, Kaede-san, I wouldn't've gone up them," he said, and then seemed appalled by what had come out of his mouth. Kaede couldn't help it. She laughed.
"Snarky when pushed into a corner," she patted his hands lovingly and took her basket up and stood. "That's the first sign of recovery." She offered her hand to him and he took it, struggling for a moment to get up.
"Being pushed into a corner?" He asked, breathless.
"Fighting out of the corner you're pushed into," Kaede told him with a knowing smile. She had a feeling that the flush on his face that spread had nothing to do with him overworking his recovery exercise, but more so with the fact that she'd finally managed to push past his defense wall of politeness. She didn't mind it one bit though. She welcomed the fight. "I'm looking forward to hearing more bite to that shinobi bark," she teased, leaving him behind. If he chose to follow, that was up to him.
"There's no shinobi bark…" She heard him mutter to himself, following her though.
Kaede would probably always remember when Haku came to them. The frail body on the stretcher carried up the path by three men from the village whom Jōichirō had caught awake and able. The numerous sleepless nights of first healing to the point of exhaustion and then the ones by his bedside, reading, telling stories, just hoping that he would wake up. The first time he spoke to her, dazed and completely lost as to what had happened to him. And that was without even mentioning the beautiful person he turned out to be.
Polite, yes. Polite was one of the characteristics she'd begun to associate with his visage. But, that wasn't all. Kind, self-sacrificing, giving, generous, dedicated. All of those things explained Haku's character well. It was a new for Kaede. How someone who had been in the shinobi line of work could come out with that personality was borderline unfathomable to her. All the shinobi whom she knew, whom she'd known, they had all been… hard. Hardened. The training was the first step. The training stripped shinobi of everything that was deemed excess. Their feelings, their thoughts, their opinions. All of that was stripped away with years of watching your comrades and enemies perish. The grueling work the shinobi did made them arrogant and almost soulless. Haku had none of that. Even after remembering his life, he still retained his kindness and generosity. Kaede suspected that it was precisely those qualities that had landed him in the state he'd arrived at the Temple in.
She didn't know when she had become so invested in him. Haku was another patient, she kept reminding herself. She knew that was a lie. A blatant, giant, red lie. Haku was not another patient. Perhaps because they were close in age. Or because he reminded her of herself, all those years ago, standing in front of the Temple, teeth and feet bloody. Haku was not another patient. She didn't want to let him meander off a cliff like some of the shinobi who came to them. She was all too invested. Even Saeko-sama had reprimanded her.
"Kaede, keep your emotions out of it," the old healer had said one evening, watching her disciple prepare a special blend of herbs for the boy's tea. "He's not yours to keep or save." She'd nodded. Accepted. Understood. And yet, she still wasn't able to keep her emotions out of it. She cared for him more than how a healer should care for her patient. The carefully drawn line had been crossed. When, Kaede didn't know. She simply knew that she couldn't go back. She was invested.
She wished that they had met under different circumstances. That she had spotted him in the market and struck up a conversation. That he'd come to study at the Temple, like she had. She wished that she was just a girl and he was just a boy and that she could be free to approach as she wanted. But, she was his healer. That was the reality. He was her patient and she was his healer. Kaede watched her words around him like a hawk. Censored her desire to order him to live. She was selfish. Selfish and lonely, for the first time, at the Temple. The arrival of Haku, and his omnipresence in every single centimeter of the Temple space, made her feel lonely. And when he left, the hole would swallow her up. And yet, she set herself up for that deep hole without any regrets.
"Reading something good?" Kaede asked, entering the room they'd allocated to the boy. His head snapped up from the tome he'd been immersed in.
"I found the first edition of Poison Remedies at the library," he told her, placing a bookmarker into the tome and closing it, carefully laying it down on the desk by the window. The room really was nothing much, like all the rest of the Temple, it was humble. Desk, wardrobe, bed. There was no need for anything else for the numerous recovery patients they had over the years. No personal belongings, just the various books Haku dragged from the library to the desk or the bed to amuse himself in his downtime. And yet, the room had some kind of a peaceful energy to it since he'd begun occupying it.
"Ah, that would be Mei-san's preference," Kaede said, walking over to the desk. She glanced at the cover nodding when she saw it. "Yes, I believe she brought this back some two or three years ago. Saeko-sama was furious because she had spent all her pay on books. Again." She shook her head.
"I understand the urge," Haku agreed with a laugh.
"Are you done with the reading for tonight? Or should I come later?" Kaede asked, pulling away from the desk. He shook his head.
"It's fine, I can continue tomorrow," he assured. "I have to rest anyways." He seemed mildly dejected by his own words. Still, Kaede was glad that he had taken her advice to heart. Since that morning's incident on the stairs, Haku had spent the majority of his day with her, helping her with the mundane medicine preparation, and she'd been careful about giving him only the tasks which required little physical strain to complete.
He stood, going towards the bed. He wasn't using his crutch any longer, but Kaede could see the slight limp in his steps and the wince when he sat down on the bed. She didn't comment on it.
"Tight?" She asked, walking over. She'd changed his bandages twice that day, applying more salve. The wound on his chest had begun healing, and it was healing well, she expected that the stitches would come out in a week or so.
"Just a little uncomfortable," he nodded, hand going up to his heart tenderly. He didn't touch the area. "The price of almost dying, I guess." He chuckled. Kaede came over to help, if necessary, but he managed on his own.
"The pain makes you certain that you're still in the land of the living," she said somberly. She could remember that time, still. The hurting of her jaw. The bruises all over her body, tender at the merest movement. The nails she'd almost ripped out, stinging with every spoonful of food. The burn of soup down her throat. The pounding of her head. "Let me know if it starts itching, alright?" He nodded and she couldn't help but reach over and step over the line again. Despite knowing that she ought to let patients do whatever they could on their own, she took the blankets and tucked him in. The smile he offered made all thoughts leave her head. This boy would be the death of her. And possibly her career. Or both. He was illegally pretty. There had to be some law that said that it was illegal to be that beautiful. On top of his personality, she just didn't know what to do with herself. But care. She cared.
"I don't want to burden you, Kaede-san," he told her in a small voice when he was all settled in. "I ought to try dealing with these… issues on my own." She didn't comment on how he avoided the word 'nightmares'. She frowned.
"Alright." She didn't know if it was because she was worried as Kaede or as a healer that she felt down about that statement. "Sweet dreams," Kaede said with a small smile. She'd been coming to his room, sharing his bed as his own personal calming medicine for the past few months. Even when she laid down for a nap in her own room it seemed cold and empty. She'd gotten used to him snuggling into her in the night and she'd gotten used to waking up in a completely different position, clutched in his arms at chest level like the most precious thing in the world in the morning. Sleeping alone at this point seemed a lonely notion. How had she lived before he arrived?
"B-but," his hand shot out from under the covers and grabbed the edge of her sleeve when she turned to shut off the lights and leave. "I-if I happen to- I mean- If-" Kaede caught his hand with hers, gently patting it.
"I'm at your disposal," she told him softly. "Any time you need me, you're free to seek me out." He looked much younger than he was, less battle-hardened, without any of those tall walls of politeness he'd built, when he offered her a weak smile. Like a scared child.
"Thank you." He didn't let go of her hand. "Could you leave the lights on, please?" Kaede nodded. She gently bent down, caressing the hair away from his forehead and patting his head. He seemed to lean into her touch.
"Try to get some rest," she told him. "It's just as important as exercise." He hummed in agreement, already nodding off against her touch. She tucked his hand still holding onto hers under the covers and then slowly moved away, quietly leaving his room. When the door closed behind her, she stopped, stared down the empty hallway and sighed. "What in the holy hells are you doing?" She muttered to herself. Getting her futon out and crawling into it in her own room was too tedious and too lonesome that evening.
"Kaede-san," she was being shaken awake gently. Kaede turned to the other side, not really wanting to be bothered when she'd finally managed to fall asleep after hours of twisting and turning in her comfortable futon. Her very empty and comfortable futon. "Kaede-san, I'm sorry to be a bother. Please. Please wake up." That was some serious pleading, and in that one of voice, it was definitely not Saeko-sama. That woman slapped her awake with a pillow. "Please." That was such a lonely and devastated sounding plea. It tore her from the blissfulness of sleep.
"What kind of wound? Location? How much blood?" She shot up in the futon, already half-way out of it. She blinked twice, realizing it was dark. "What's the status of the patient?" She turned around, squinting in the darkness to see if it was an emergency. There was only need to wake her if there was an emergency.
"I'm so sorry, Kaede-san," the soft voice came from her left and she managed to spot the shape next to her futon. She recognized the voice. Haku was huddled by her feet, hugging himself in the darkness. "I'm so sorry to be a bother," he repeated, sounding positively broken and all too close to tears. "I can't get out of the hole." Kaede's brain finally kicked in. She remembered how Master Jōichirō had explained the state he'd found the boy in. Crawled out of his own grave and passed out by the side of the road. He must've been having nightmares about that. He had never told her the details of his night terrors, but she'd suspected. Either it was something from his past that had been plaguing him or something related to his near-death experience.
"You're never a bother," her voice cracked and she cleared her throat. "Didn't I tell you that I'm at your disposal, silly?" She threw her covers off with a groan. Then, she shivered. It was getting colder. With the swiftly approaching winter, nights at the Temple had begun to carry the stiff and sharp air of incoming snow. "How long have you been sitting there? Oh, good heavens, why didn't you grab a shawl? What are you going to do if you catch a cold?" She nagged, seeing him shivering by her bedside. Haku didn't seem to show any signs of moving, so she decided to be the proactive one. "Come on, we need to get you warmed up." She touched his hands gently and they were, as expected, cold as ice. Haku had always been warm to the touch, making her worried about fevers, so this was even worse. "On your feet, come on."
"I'm so sorry," he repeated, over and over, but listened to her. She got him on his feet and then went to her wardrobe, fishing out a shawl she'd gotten from Mei for her twelfth birthday. Kaede stumbled in the dark to navigate, getting back to the boy who just stood where she'd left him, still apologizing softly. She encircled him with her arms to get the shawl around him and then rubbed her hands up and down his arms to get that blood moving.
"No." At her words his head snapped up in the dark. "None of that," Kaede reprimanded. "You apologized, you woke me up, it's done. Now, no more groveling, and come. We need to get you warmed up." He nodded, reaching out and taking her hand with his cold one. Kaede let him. The grip was not painful, but tight, like he was tethering himself to reality through her. She led him out of her room and down the hallway. Then, they descended silently into the kitchen. That was where Kaede finally turned on the light, then turned around to see what was positively one of the most devastating images in her life. Haku looked broken. Not because of the tears on his face or the bags under his eyes and the redness around them, but the expression on his face. He was positively broken. Whatever he'd dreamt about had ruined him, thoroughly and completely. Kaede wanted to embrace him. To hug him and tell him that everything would be alright. That she was there for him. That she would sleep in his bed forever if it meant getting that expression never to appear on his beautiful features again. But, she couldn't. "Here," she gently guided him to stand next to the stove. "It will be warm here first." He nodded mutely.
Kaede bent down, opening the hearth under the stove and checking the firewood inside. Thankfully, Master Jōichirō had stocked the stove before going to bed. Kaede didn't fancy the idea of walking out into the back of the Temple in this weather to get firewood. She made quick work of lighting up the stove. When she was satisfied with the fire, she looked up again, to see Haku staring off into the distance, that same look on his face. The tears were gone, the paths they'd taken down his face slowly drying.
"How does some milk sound?" She asked, closing the stove door and standing. "Or hot chocolate? Tea?" He didn't reply. He was deep in it, she realized and stepped closer to him, slowly reaching out to touch the trembling hands which clutched at her shawl. He startled. "Where are you right now?" The question seemed to throw him off. Confusion took over his face.
"W-where-"
"Where are you at the moment?" He gave her a look that asked if she'd finally gone bonkers.
"K-kitchen?"
"At?"
"Shitchi Temple," he added.
"Country?"
"Land of Water."
"Today's date?"
"No idea," he replied. Then, he chuckled. "Time passes inconspicuously here." Kaede huffed, shaking her head.
"Fair enough," she replied with her own smile. "You're here," she tightened her grip on his hands. "You're right here with me. Not wherever you were dreaming you were at." He nodded again. Kaede felt immense relief at the tear-stained smile he gave her.
"Hot chocolate sounds nice," he said in a small voice. She grinned and let go of his hands to push her sleeves up.
"My specialty," she bragged. Then, Kaede turned towards the cupboards and rummaged for the ingredients and dishes she'd need. As she was laying two mugs on the counter Haku spoke up.
"What is today's date?"
"No idea," Kaede shrugged back. The laugh he gave was so genuine that it made her smile to herself brightly.
That's all for now folks!
