Chapter 38 – Jack's Birthday (long)

Jack had more things to think about as he walked the short distance back to the house that Monday afternoon. He knew that he would have to talk to Elizabeth. It didn't take long to get home. He wanted some time to think about things, but Elizabeth was there and he knew that they needed to talk. He took a deep breath and removed his coat.

"Elizabeth." Jack said. "I know that we need to talk, but can I have just a little bit, please."

"I agree that we need to talk." Elizabeth said. "All I want to say is that I am here, but I don't like being pushed away. I know that you have said that you have a hard time talking about things, but you need to figure it out. We are partners and if you can't talk to me then I don't know what we are doing. We promised to be there for each other and part of that is talking to one another."

Elizabeth didn't say anything else, she just took her journal and headed upstairs. If Jack wanted time, Elizabeth would give it to him. She also needed time. Elizabeth was tired and didn't want to fight with Jack. She had had a hard day and knew that she would probably say something that she would regret. She just wanted to have her Jack back. She had never seen him like this and it was hard. Elizabeth realized that she had never lost someone that was close to her like Jack had, but she just wanted to understand. She had lost her grandparents, but she had been young and not all that close to them when they passed. Elizabeth wanted Jack to talk to her. As she wrote in her journal, she let the tears fall that had been there all day.

Downstairs, Jack was working through his feelings as well. Jack had decided to take Abigail's advice and write things out. He still had so many unresolved feelings about his father. He wrote about how he missed his father and how it hurt that he had missed so many milestones in Jack's life. He wrote about how he missed his father and wished that he was there to help him at times. He wrote about how losing his father changed him and how it had made life harder. Jack also realized that if he hadn't lost his father, it wouldn't have made him as understanding to others' pain as he was. He realized that he had been holding on to anger. Jack realized that he was angry at his father for leaving him. He was angry at what happened to his family after his father died. He also realized that he was angry at himself. He was angry at himself because he couldn't save his father even though it wasn't his job to protect his father, but his father's to protect him. He was angry at his father that he had to grow up so fast and that his mother changed. Jack wrote everything out and then he felt better. He knew what he needed to say to Elizabeth, he just hoped that she would listen to him. Jack headed upstairs to talk to Elizabeth. He found her laying on the bed, he wasn't sure if she was sleeping or not.

"Elizabeth." Jack said from the doorway to their bedroom. "Can we talk?"

"You want to talk. " Elizabeth said, sitting up. "Talk. I am listening."

"I am sorry." Jack said. "The loss of my father changed the course of my life. It changed where we lived, how we lived. It changed my mother. It changed that way that people looked at me. I never realized that I was so angry at my father for leaving us. I have always just avoided my birthday, because I didn't want to deal with the feelings that it brought up. Honestly, I thought I had dealt with a lot of this, but the last six or seven months have brought a lot of it back up. Let me ask you something – have you ever lost someone close to you."

"No." Elizabeth said.

"Don't take this wrong." Jack said. "But then you can't understand how it can still hurt even long after the event. Abigail reminded me that unless someone had experienced a significant loss, it is hard to understand. I don't mean to upset you. I am just trying to explain. It took me taking a step back and really thinking about things before I understood how I felt. I can't expect others to understand how it felt/feels. I don't like to celebrate my birthday, because it is a reminder of what I lost. I didn't mean to get mad at you for wanting to do something nice for me. I got mad because I felt that you weren't listening to what I wanted. I also understand that you just wanted to do something nice for me. I also know that I need to change my way of thinking about my birthday now that we are married and planning to have a family as I know that in the future our children will want to celebrate my birthday as well. It is just hard and it is going to take time to work through all the feelings surrounding my birthday.

Please understand that other than my mother, no one has ever tried to do something to celebrate my birthday. Even after my father's death, my mother tried to make an effort with my birthday. After two years, I asked her to stop because it hurt too much. After that, I never celebrated my birthday again. Even through the academy, my fellow recruits didn't even know when my birthday was – only my two best friends ever knew. I didn't share with the Mounties at my other posting. I honestly haven't celebrated my birthday since I was fourteen years old. I am not mad at you, I am mad at myself. I can't fully explain why I am mad at myself."

"So I don't understand." Elizabeth said. "That still doesn't explain or excuse the way that you treated me."

"No it doesn't." Jack said. "I am sorry. You know that I have told you that I have trouble expressing myself. Please forgive me. I am still getting used to sharing my feelings, I am trying. It is hard to talk about my father. After he died, we weren't allowed to talk about him anymore. It was years before my mother even mentioned his name. You have no idea how hard that was. It was only after my uncle pointed out how much damage my mother was doing by not including things about our father. It took another year or so, but then Ma started talking about him again. I was in the academy by that time, but she did it to try and help Tommy. She would include things about my father as Mountie in letters to me and I saved each and every one because it was like a link to my father the Mountie. Please forgive me. I love you and didn't mean to hurt you. If you still want to make a special supper for Thursday that would be great."

"Thank you for talking to me." Elizabeth said. "Just because I don't understand what you went through, doesn't mean that I don't want to be there for you. Please understand that I didn't mean to upset you, but only wanted you to share in hopes that it would make you feel better."

"We both still have a lot to learn about each other." Jack said. "We are still getting used to each other and how we react to certain things. Let's just promise to try and do better. We both have had a lot of changes in our life this last year. We both need to remember that we are still learning and give each other some time. I also realize that I could have handled things better. In the future, please try to talk to me and let me know when you are not happy with something that I have done or said. I will do the same for you. I was reminded that we will never learn if we don't share what we like and don't like with the other person. We also need to be respectful and give the other person space to work out whatever they need before speaking if that is the case."

"Okay." Elizabeth said. "You are right. I promise to try and do better as well. I just want you to talk to me and share. There is still so much that we don't know about each other. You are right we are still learning and we both have had a lot of changes."

"Shall we go find something for supper." Jack said. "I have to get up and do rounds in the morning."

Elizabeth went downstairs and Jack helped her make some supper. They didn't say much to each other during supper. After supper, they were both tired and headed to bed. Once again, Jack pulled Elizabeth close to him but he felt far away. This time she didn't take it personally. She realized that he was working through a lot of feelings. She just hoped that things would get better. She wouldn't push Jack to talk anymore. Because they both had had a rough night the night before, it didn't take long for Elizabeth to fall asleep. It took Jack a little longer. He still had many feelings that he needed to sort though, but for the first time that he could remember, he wasn't dreading his birthday. He wasn't excited, but he wasn't dreading it. At least it was something. Until he had been forced to deal with his feelings, Jack never realized what he kept just below the surface. Sleep finally claimed Jack and he was able to relax some.

Tuesday, Jack was up early and left before Elizabeth was up. He had rounds and wanted to get going as early as possible. He didn't know how long that it would take him and he wondered if he was up to it. Elizabeth woke up and got ready for the day. She made herself some breakfast and then made lunch for both herself and Jack. She planned on dropping Jack's off before school. As Elizabeth was gathering stuff to leave for the schoolhouse, she realized that Jack had forgotten his messenger bag. She grabbed it and headed to the jail. She dropped off his lunch and messenger bag with Bill. She also spoke to Bill a little bit. She didn't tell him everything, but she asked him to speak to Jack as he was having a hard time with things. Bill promised to talk to Jack. Elizabeth felt better after talking to Bill. She knew that Bill would keep an eye on him. She then headed to the schoolhouse and hoped for a better day.

Jack rode his rounds and stopped by the house to grab his messenger bag that he had forgotten. When he didn't find it, he figured that Elizabeth saw it and dropped it off for him. He headed back into town and went to the jail to find that his bag was there along with a lunch that Elizabeth had made for him. Jack logged his rounds and then continued to type his disaster plan. When he got the second full copy typed. He took the first copy and got it ready to send to headquarters. He went over and posted the envelope. He wanted it to get out as soon as possible. He also sent a wire to Wynn to let him know that it was coming and asked how to proceed from there. Jack then returned to the jail and typed up two more copies. He filed one in his desk. He gave one to Bill and then delivered the other to Abigail at the mayor's office. By mid-afternoon, Jack was tired. He talked to Bill and McGinty and they agreed that if they needed Jack they knew where to find him. Jack gathered his things and headed home. Jack knew that Bill was worried about him, but also understood that it was the week of his birthday and father's death.

The children were much better behaved for Elizabeth and the day went better. She was able to get through all that needed to be done and didn't even send any more homework with the students. She stopped by the cafe and picked up supper for both her and Jack. She just wasn't up to cooking that night. Wednesday was much the same, except that Jack walked Elizabeth to school. Elizabeth had a good day at school and Jack had a light day at the jail. After school, Elizabeth talked to McGinty and he agreed to bring the crate with Jack's gift over the next morning after Jack left for rounds. She wanted to ask Bill how Jack was doing, but he wasn't around and she wanted to get home. Elizabeth had thought about holding off on the gift, but then realized that she had it and she wanted to give it to him. She just hoped that he wouldn't be mad.

Thursday, Jack was up early again to do rounds. After Jack left and before school, McGinty dropped off the crate and even opened the top. He then walked Elizabeth to school. Elizabeth had a hard time keeping her focus on the children. Her thoughts constantly drifted to Jack. She wondered how he was and hoped that he was having a good day. She had hoped that he would swing by the school at lunch, but he didn't. After school, Elizabeth went by the mercantile and picked up the remainder of the things that she needed to make Jack's favorite supper – shepherd's pie and cherry cobbler. She headed home to get a start on supper. She had everything ready when Jack came home. She had even put a couple of candles on the table and opened a bottle of wine.

Jack had had a pretty good day. He took longer than he normally would on rounds, because he could think better when he was riding. McGinty had offered to do rounds, but Jack let him know that he needed the time riding to think and asked Joe to keep an eye on things in town as he was going to take longer than normal. Jack didn't spend much time around people all day, he talked to people as needed on rounds. Other than when needed Jack didn't speak, but did do a lot of thinking while he had been riding. Bill had talked to McGinty that Jack was having a hard time and to just give him some space. McGinty knew better than to push either of them. McGinty knew what was going on, but didn't tell Bill that he knew and Bill didn't say knowing that Jack liked his privacy. Both men gave Jack space during that day and tried to handle things so that Jack could do what he wanted. Bill had also told Jack that he didn't have to come in on Friday if he didn't want to. Bill suggested that he just go for a nice ride. Jack told him that he would think about it. Jack knew that he wasn't as sore from riding, but he also knew that his leg was going to bother him from time to time as it continued to heal. He knew that because it itched and ached when he was in the saddle. He knew that because he lost a chunk of muscle, that it was going to take several months to heal fully. He knew that he could do his job and he would just have to deal with the pain. He didn't want to tell Bill or Joe that his leg was bothering him as it was relatively minor compared to what Bill was dealing with.

By the time that Jack got home, he barely remembered that Elizabeth was cooking a special meal for him. He was actually a little surprised when he walked in and saw the table set with candles and wine.

"I know that you didn't want a big deal." Elizabeth said. "I just wanted to make it special."

Jack didn't say anything, but just looked at Elizabeth for a moment. He took a deep breath and told himself that she just wanted to do something nice for her husband. Jack hung up his coat and pulled off his boots. He then slipped out of his serge. Elizabeth happened to turn and see Jack standing in the doorway in his henley, riding pants and stocking feet. He had let his suspenders fall from his shoulders and a lock of his hair had fallen forward. Elizabeth thought her husband looked so hot and sexy standing there. She watched him run his hand through his hair to push it back in place before he moved to check the stove to see if it needed wood before sitting down. Elizabeth had to turn back to the stove or they would never get to eat, because as she saw Jack standing there, she had other thoughts about what she wanted at that moment. She couldn't believe how incredibly handsome her husband was at that moment and he wasn't even trying. He just was. Elizabeth had to take a deep breath and refocus her thoughts because at the moment her thoughts were not on what she was doing in the kitchen but with her husband and how much she wanted him.

Jack was hungry but also knew that the food would be ready soon, so it didn't matter. He was just glad that he was home with his wife. His heart still skipped a beat when he would think about Elizabeth and how she was his. He had watched her in the kitchen making his favorite food – well cleaning up from making his favorite meal and he knew that he wanted her more than anything. He realized that no one had ever cared for him like Elizabeth had. He loved her and felt bad that he had gotten upset at her earlier in the week. His desire for her physically hurt at the moment and he needed to take a deep breath or they wouldn't get to eat the wonderful meal that Elizabeth had worked so hard to learn and then make just for him. Elizabeth came and sat next to him on the couch. She was worried about Jack's gift and how he would react. She wanted to give it to him but wondered if she should wait. While she was sitting there thinking, Jack pulled her close and kissed her temple.

"Jack." Elizabeth said. "I don't want to upset you, but I did this before everything happened and I knew how you felt about your birthday. I have a present for you. Do you want it now or after supper?"

"It is okay." Jack said. "You didn't know. If I remember correctly, it was my mother who told you about my birthday."

"She only told me." Elizabeth said. "Because she was afraid that you never would."

"Thank you." Jack said. "I would love the present my wife got me."

"Wait a moment." Elizabeth said. "I will go get it."

Elizabeth stood up from the couch and walked into the guest room downstairs. She slipped the lid back on the crate and then carried it out to the kitchen. She set it on a chair at the table.

"Jack." Elizabeth said.

Jack turned to see Elizabeth standing by the table and a crate sitting between two chairs. He got up and walked over. He looked at the crate and then at Elizabeth. She nodded for him to open it. Jack lifted the lid and started to move some of the packing material. When he reached the case, he looked at Elizabeth again.

"Bella." Jack said. "Is this what I think it is?"

"Pull it out." Elizabeth said.

She helped Jack move the packing material and he lifted the guitar case out. She then moved the lid back on the crate so he could set the case down. Jack then undid the latches and opened the case. When he first saw the guitar, Jack gasped. Elizabeth wasn't sure if Jack was happy or upset. She was waiting for him to say something. Jack stared for a few moments and then walked around the chair and pulled Elizabeth into an embrace and held her for a moment. Elizabeth couldn't wait any longer.

"Jack." Elizabeth said. "Do you like it?"

"I love it Bella." Jack said. "Where did you find that? It looks exactly like the one that my father gave me and that was damaged at Fort Garry."

"Your mother told me about the brand." Elizabeth said. "I asked Dee to help me. He knows more about guitars than I do, so when I told him that your father had given you a Martin, but that it was damaged, he found one for you."

"I love it." Jack said. "Thank you."

Jack leaned down and kissed Elizabeth. He probably would have held her longer, but the timer for supper went off. Elizabeth excused herself to check the oven. She pulled the shepherd's pie out of the oven and placed it on the table. Jack came and sat down. He took Elizabeth's hand and offered a prayer.

"Heavenly Father." Jack prayed. "Thank you for providing this food. Please bless it to our bodies. Thank you for Elizabeth and her care for me. Thank you for our friends and family. Please keep them safe. Amen."

"Amen." Elizabeth said.

They enjoyed their supper and tried to keep the conversation light. Elizabeth teased Jack that he now had no excuse not to play guitar for her. He told her that he needed to practice a little before he felt comfortable playing again. Both were full and didn't have cobbler right away. Elizabeth encouraged Jack to play with his new guitar while she cleaned up the dishes from supper. She had already finished the other dishes she had used earlier, Jack took the case over to the couch and sat down with it. He picked it up and looked at it. It was at that moment, that Jack realized it was the exact same as the one his father had given him, right down to the year. Jack gasped and Elizabeth looked at him to see if everything was alright. She couldn't quite read the expression on Jack's face so she took a couple steps toward him.

"Elizabeth." Jack said. "This must have cost you a fortune. This is the same rare guitar that my father gave me."

"It was worth it for you." Elizabeth said.

Elizabeth had no idea how much Dee had spent on the guitar, but seeing the smile on Jack's face was worth every penny. She had told Wynn to take the money out of her trust fund so Dee could get the guitar. She had the money, so she didn't care. All she cared about was seeing Jack happy. She enjoyed listening to him tune and pluck at the guitar while she finished the clean up. When she was done, she went and sat in the armchair to be close to Jack. She could tell that he was in a much better mood. Jack played a couple simple songs for Elizabeth.

"There are a couple other gifts for you." Elizabeth said. "I picked them up when I stopped at the mercantile this afternoon."

"Where are they?" Jack asked.

"I will get them." Elizabeth said.

Elizabeth got up and went and got the two other packages that had arrived. One was from his mother and the other was from Wynn and Elizabeth Rose. She brought them out to Jack and sat back down.

"Thank you." Jack said.

Jack opened the one from his mother first. When he opened it, Jack smiled.

"What did you get?" Elizabeth asked.

"Two more pairs of jeans." Jack said.

"Nice." Elizabeth said. "Open the other."

Jack opened it and showed Elizabeth, extra guitar strings and two more henley shirts.

"Oh my favorite shirts." Elizabeth said.

When Jack was done, Elizabeth let Jack know that she was tired and that she was heading up to bed. Jack said that he was going to stay downstairs and play with the guitar a little more. Elizabeth got up and gave Jack a kiss before heading up to bed. She got ready for bed and crawled under the covers. She listened to the music as it drifted up the stairs. As Elizabeth listened to Jack play, she prayed for him. She knew that he was struggling and she hoped that once they got through the next day that things would get better. Jack didn't stay downstairs long. He banked the fires and headed upstairs. He changed and headed to bed. As soon as he was in bed, Elizabeth snuggled close. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her even closer. Sleep came easy to both of them that night. It had been a long and emotional week. In reality it had been a long and emotional month.

Friday, Jack got up with Elizabeth and had breakfast. He had planned to stay home, but he wanted to get up with her. Jack said that he would do the dishes. Elizabeth made a sandwich and dished up some cobbler for her lunch. She kind of wanted Jack to walk her to school, but she understood why he didn't want to. He had promised to talk to someone if he needed to. After Elizabeth left for school, Jack played with the guitar a little more. He then went and got dressed for the day. He knew that he wanted to go for a ride. He headed into town and straight to the livery. He wanted to avoid as many people as possible. He saddled Sergeant and stopped by the jail to grab a rifle just in case. Jack then headed out on a ride, going south first. He didn't really have a destination in mind, but more of just a ride. He knew that he was feeling well enough physically that he would be sending McGinty home that weekend, so he wanted to have a day to clear his head before he jumped back into work full time. Jack had been surprised that Elizabeth had gotten him a guitar, but even more surprised that she would have Dee go to the trouble of finding one that was identical to the one his father had given him. She wondered how she knew and then it dawned on him – his mother. He knew that he couldn't be mad, as she was only trying to help. Jack knew that his mother loved hearing him play and sing and after Christmas, he was sure that Elizabeth had asked his mother a ton of questions about it. Jack had also been touched that Wynn and Elizabeth Rose had sent a gift to him as well. Jack knew that the extra strings were probably from Dee. Jack realized that he had more people that cared about him and he needed to change his attitude toward celebrations.

Elizabeth had a good day at school. The children turned in their writing assignments and she gave them a spelling test. They then did a history lesson before Elizabeth assigned another writing assignment for the weekend from their history lesson. Elizabeth tried to keep busy so as not to worry about Jack. He had seemed fine that morning, but she also knew that he was good at hiding his feelings if he wanted to. She wished that there was something that she could do for Jack, but then she realized that if he wanted he would have asked. Elizabeth ended up letting the kids go about five minutes early that afternoon. After she had packed up her things and straightened the room, she headed to town. She wanted to see if Jack had come in. She learned that he had gone on a ride and hadn't returned yet. Bill let her know that Jack seemed good when he stopped by. He also let her know not to worry about Jack, he would be home and that riding was a good thing. Elizabeth let Bill know that she was heading home if Jack was looking for her. She went over to the mercantile and picked up a few things that they would need for the weekend and then headed right home. She put the supplies away and sat at her writing desk. She wanted to start in on the grading that she had for the weekend. She also got supper going. As Elizabeth was sitting at her desk, she realized she had forgotten something upstairs. She didn't want Jack to see what she had bought. She wanted to see how his mood was, so Elizabeth headed up to put it in a drawer rather than leave it on the bed.