Hi all. To those of you who are reading my other story, you will have seen that I mentioned in the latest chapter that I am starting this one and writing both concurrently. I just want to tell this story too. This story takes place after Heidi´s entries so it´s probably best to read that one first if you haven´t already, otherwise this chapter might be a bit confusing.

Thank you to readers. And please review!

It´s been a hard year so far. Really hard. And everything that´s happening at school at the moment and with my best friend Olivia- well it´s just made it harder. I feel responsible a little bit too, because I haven´t been around much, or been a very good friend. Crane says it´s ridiculous and even a bit downright arrogant to blame myself, but I can´t help it. Maybe if I´d been more present, none of this would ever have happened.

I guess I should go back to May, right after I melted down about the death of my parents and really allowed myself to process the grief over their deaths. When Adam and Hannah brought me home from my therapist, Julia´s house to which I had run after I had a hulk mania moment in the kitchen one Sunday lunchtime, I couldn´t have imagined how loving and forgiving my family would be to me. I had been acting out pretty badly for the six months before that, and things between me and Adam and Brian were pretty strained. I´ve worked hard to improve my relationship with them over the past few months and things are better now, although I do still clash with them over some things. I have pretty strong convictions about things and we don´t always see eye to eye, but Adam says that's normal when you´re a teenager.

When I´d lost my mind in the kitchen that Sunday afternoon and had escaped out my window, I had hitchhiked to Julia´s house. I think that was the thing that Adam was most mad at- he said I put myself in unnecessary danger. As a punishment, I was grounded for the next three weeks. Adam also stipulated that anytime I was rude, or bratty or even a little bit out of line in those three weeks, he would add an extra day onto my grounding. He was real strict about adding on those extra days: I got one more day added for snapping at Hannah, one for moaning about doing the dishes and then one more when I rolled my eyes at him after he lectured me about moaning about doing said dishes. So, in the end, I ended up being grounded for three weeks and three days. Not that I wanted to go anywhere.

Once it was all out in the open about how I was feeling about my parents, I sunk even deeper into a depression. My grades fell dramatically around finals time, which for me, is major as I´ve always been a straight A student and top of my class. But I was tired all the time and I couldn´t focus on studying. I did pass the year though with all Cs though. Now that I´m feeling more myself, I´m mortified about those grades. Adam and Crane say they think I´ve done well to pass, considering how much I struggled and that I´ll make it up this school year.

I also withdrew from my friends. The crowd I fell into at high school is sort of wild. Not criminal or anything, but they like to have a good time. I did tell Olivia what was going on with me, and she was supportive, but I withdrew from Vanessa and Mia and the others. I just didn´t have the energy to give over to talking about boys and parties and fashion- I was too tired. I considered making it through the school day a success. But my absence socially did mean that Olivia started hanging out with them much more.

Perhaps, most dangerously, the biggest effect of my depression was that I stopped eating properly. Everything tasted like sawdust, and I lost weight I couldn´t really afford to lose seeing that I was slim before. I didn´t think anyone was noticing because I was wearing baggy clothes. But one night after supper when I had once again eaten like a bird, Hannah caught my arm as I was leaving the table.

"Just a minute, Heidi," she said, "your brothers and I want to talk to you about something."

I sat back down at the table. Brian, Adam and Crane were still sitting down at the places, wearing serious expressions. Daniel wasn´t home; he was out playing at a club that evening and Guthrie was at extended soccer practice, so it was Ford and Evan who started to clear the table and attend to the dishes.

"Don´t worry about it, guys, we´ll deal with the dishes," Hannah said to them.

"Alright… is everything ok?" Ford asked worriedly.

"Yes, sweetie, but just give us a bit of privacy, ok?"

Ford shrugged and then he grabbed a handful of cookies from the jar, passing a couple to Evan. I didn´t see how they could still be hungry seeing as they had consumed a vast quantity of food in the past half hour, but both of them shoveled the cookies into their mouths as they wandered out the back door.

I looked around at my brothers and Hannah. "Have I done something wrong?" I said.

I mentally combed through any infractions I may have committed, but I was keeping a low profile at the moment, so I couldn´t think of any.

"No…" Hannah said. "But we´re worried about you. More specifically, we´re worried you´re not eating properly."

"I eat!" I protested, weakly.

"Then why are you startin´ to look like an Ethiopian famine victim?" Brian said.

"Brian," Crane said, shooting him a disapproving look.

"Just callin´ it how I see it," he said. He sounded gruff and impatient, like he was mad at me, but I knew that he wasn´t. That´s just Brian´s way when he´s worried.

"You´re barely eating at breakfast, you´re not eatin´ enough food to sustain a six-year-old at supper, and Guthrie says he hasn´t been seeing you at lunch. Brian´s right- you´re lookin´ really ill, Heidi," Adam said.

I made a mental note to kick Guthrie when I saw him for providing too much information- he´s got a big mouth sometimes. But I remained resolutely silent. There was nothing to say, really. They were right, and I knew it.

"Where are you going at lunchtime, instead of eating lunch?" Crane said.

I shrugged, stubbornly. I was in no mood to co-operate. I wished to be left alone.

"That´s not an answer, Heidi," Adam said.

"I just go to the library," I said.

Hannah took my hand. "Honey, are you trying to lose weight? Is this about you thinking you´re fat or something?"

I shook my head. "No… I don´t think I´m fat," I said. I took my hand back from Hannah and leaned forward in my chair, putting my head down on my arms like a little kid to avoid looking at the grave faces of my brothers.

"Okay… then what´s going on?" Hannah said.

"I´m just not hungry," I said, into my arms.

"Sit up, please, while we´re talkin´ to you," Brian said.

Against my better judgement, I ignored him and there was silence at the table. My head was down, but I imagined they were all exchanging frustrated looks as they usually did when I was being ´challenging´.

Crane got up from his place and came to sit down next to me on my left side. He put a hand in the middle of my back.

"Come on, Heidi. Don´t make this more difficult than it needs to be. We´re just worried about you- we want to help you," he said.

I sighed, but I did sit up at the table. Crane kept his hand on my back. I looked at the faces around me, miserably.

"I know I´m not fat. I know I´m too thin. I´m just not hungry. Everything tastes like chalk," I said.

"We know you´re strugglin´ emotionally just now and we´re all here to support you. We´ve given you a break in terms of your grades and we´re not demandin´ much of you at home," said Adam. "But we absolutely cannot allow you to continue not eating, Heidi. You´ll make yourself really sick." His voice was quiet but firm.

I didn´t say anything. Adam and Hannah exchanged a look. Crane rubbed my back, and Brian stared at me, intently, making me feel uncomfortable under his gaze.

"Here´s what´s going to happen from now on. You won´t be allowed to leave the table until you´ve eaten a decent amount," Adam continued. "You can take your time, you can take hours if you want to, but at breakfast and supper, you have to eat properly."

"And lunch too," Brian added.

I thought to myself then there was no way they could police that while I was at school. But Brian must have read my mind because he said then, "Guthrie will let us know if you´ve eaten."

I gave him a horrified look. "You can´t get Guthrie to spy on me! He won´t do it!" I said, getting angry. Tears were rising from my belly. Guthrie was my best friend- he wouldn´t betray me like that.

"He will if we ask him to," Brian said grimly.

I started to cry. I felt attacked. And bullied. A large part of me knew he was right, but surely it was my decision how much I ate?

Crane rubbed my back, but all of them seemed to be steeling themselves against my tears.

"This is really serious, Heidi. I´m not sure if you actually understand how sick you´re already startin´ to look. We can´t and we won´t allow you to self-destruct like this," Brian continued.

Hannah got up and busied herself with putting leftovers from supper- lasagna and salad- on a plate for me. It was a normal portion and in days gone by, I would have managed it no problem. Now, it was overwhelming.

"It´s too much! I´ll never be able to eat all that!" I sobbed.

Crane took a knife and fork and cut the lasagna slice up into small pieces, like I was a little kid. "Just concentrate on eating each bit. It´s really not a lot of food," he said.

Hannah and Brian got up to do the dishes and Adam cleared the table. Crane wiped down the table and then he fetched ranch accounts and brought them to the table. He smiled at me encouragingly. "I´ll keep you company while you eat," he said, though I hadn´t touched my plate yet.

They let me cry, ignoring me. It did cross my mind to just get up from the table and go to my room, but I didn´t really want to take my chances with what Adam or Brian might do if I did that. I was very mindful of Adam´s threat that if I caused any more major trouble like I´d been doing in the previous months, he´s take his belt to my backside. I wasn´t itching to find out what that felt like. Not that not eating was an offence that would warrant that kind of punishment, but still.

I cried a bit longer, and then, defeated, I picked up my fork and started to eat. The others had left the kitchen by now and it was just me and Crane there.

Hannah had made the food- she´d even made me a vegetarian version of lasagna, and she´s a great cook, but each mouthful felt like it was getting stuck in my throat. I ate really slowly. When I was halfway done, I looked at Crane pleadingly. "Please, Crane, I´m really full," I said.

"Take a break then," he said, looking up from his accounts.

"Can I leave the table?" I asked him, even though Adam had said that I couldn´t unless I was done.

"You know better than to ask me to overrule Adam," Crane said, regarding me sternly.

So, I sat at the table, feeling extremely sorry for myself, until I felt like I could eat again and then I finished my plate. I must have sat at the table for a full hour to eat what really wasn´t a large amount of food.

As I was taking my last mouthful, Hannah and Adam came rounding through to the kitchen taking about getting coffee and pie. Both of them surveyed my empty plate with satisfaction.

"There! You´ve managed to finish your plate- now that wasn´t so bad, was it," Hannah said brightly.

"I feel like I´ve been tortured," I said flatly.

Hannah´s face fell.

"Don´t be so dramatic," Adam scolded. He looked irritated.

Crane laughed. "Poor baby. Being forced to eat good, nutritious food so that you stay healthy," he said with a wry smile. And then I conceded a small smile because I understood that my family were only being strict with me about eating because they loved me.

So, although I didn´t want to, and it was hard, I did make an effort to try to eat again. I ate lunch at school because I didn´t want to put Guthrie in the position of having to lie for me, which I knew he would.

And I´d think I was getting better, stronger. Then something would happen that would trigger me and I´d descend into darkness all over again.

The biggest thing that sent me into a downward spiral again was Hannah announcing she was pregnant again. You´d think that I would be over the moon at the news, and I was. I was excited, but it also elicited a huge wave of insecurity in me that I just couldn´t shake.