A/N I'm really sorry for not posting an update any sooner. Life got in the way and not in a good way. I don't know when the next chapter will be posted at this moment and this chapter is really short but I wanted to get something out and to y'all today as a present. Merry Christmas everyone, Feliz Navidad a todos.
Chapter 67
"We've been far too scared to fight for what we want, tonight. Close your eyes and leave it all behind. Go where love is on our side. It's a trust fall baby." - Pink
"What I want to do is for you and Lisa to take over this session, unless I think I must react or act," Kim answered and explained.
"You want to do what?!" Oliver asked, shocked.
Oliver was so shocked that initially, he wanted to get up and do who knows what, but Alex's hand pulled him softly but firmly stopped him, for now. He briefly looked at his wife before going back to the good Doctor. He took a deep breath before he spoke up again.
"Why, and more importantly, how?" Oliver asked.
"Because I think you would be more open and more comfortable talking about these issues should you be talking with Lisa instead of myself, and therefore we can accomplish more in this session, as for how, with Lisa taking over my "role", so to speak, we would be able to create a situation where you would or could do that. Besides, Lisa is a police officer like yourself and while this is my profession, she will know even better what to say or how you feel because of her own experience and your shared point of view as both officers of law enforcement. Not that I doubt my abilities because I don't, but I think it will be more beneficial for you to do it this way," Kim answered as she explained her reasoning.
"While you're probably right about being more open and comfortable, at least partly, I don't agree with the way you want to do it, if we, Lisa and I that is, are going to do this talking thing, it will be without you being there. I promised that I would open up more or try to do that with Alex so she'll stay because I never break a promise if I can help it. No matter how much I trust you and do almost everything you want me to do at once, I won't be as open as I would be without you being here," Oliver replied.
Knowing Oliver was right and knowing how both Kim and her husband could be, Alex held up her hand to prevent Kim from answering back to him so she could speak up herself.
"Kim, you know that he is right about being more open without you being here, nothing personal against you, he would be with pretty much anyone else, including myself. No matter how much he gains strength from me being next to him, I know that he would be more open without me being there because he won't worry about how to say things, whether it would be about me getting worried about him, or for him being worried that he would hurt me with what he would say. In other words, he would hold back unconsciously because of that. I also know that asking me not to be there, would be seen by him as breaking his promise to me so he wouldn't do that. I do agree with you about Lisa talking with him but not how you want to do it, only because of all I just said. So what I suggest we do, is that both you and I leave the room so Lisa and Oliver can talk with just the two of them and that we join again after either of them asks us to come back. Once we're back they can tell us about what they have talked about and you take back the control and continue as you would normally do. If we want to get the most out of this session, and we all want that, I think this is the best way to do it," Alex said.
Kim looked at Alex and Oliver, holding up a finger as a sign to wait a second then looked away. She thought about what both of them had said to her. Knowing that not only were they right about it, she knew that it would have been the same with her wife should it have been her instead of Oliver. Even though she would have liked to be there when they would have that conversation, strictly for professional reasons, she knew that it would be more helpful if she wasn't there. She also knew that she could trust both Oliver and her wife not to take any risks with Oliver's mental health and that either of them would call her should it be necessary. After coming to a decision Kim looked back at them and nodded.
"Both of you have valued points, and I know that it would have been the same should it be Lisa in this situation instead of Oliver and we would be sitting here for her instead of him. I agree with both of you about Oliver being more open without my presence, I also think you are right about your presence Alex. While you won't see it the same way Alex and I see it, you wouldn't break your promise Detective, but I know Lisa would see it the same way, so I'm going to leave it with that being said. I agree with Alex's suggestion and do it that way, on one condition, even though I know I can trust both of you to keep Oliver's health in mind, either one of you will come to get me and/or Alex if necessary. If you both promise to do that, Alex and I will leave and come back after your conversation when one of you comes to get us. So Detective and Officer, do we have a deal?" Kim asked.
Oliver and Lisa looked at each other as they set up straighter and puffed their chest out. With identical smiles on their lips, they both said that they had a deal. Alex shook her head at them and then looked at Kim.
"Looks like we are being dismissed so how about we go to the kitchen and leave these fine offers alone?" Alex asked, laughing.
"Lead the way, Counselor," Kim answered, smiling herself as well.
Both blondes were grinning as they left the brunettes behind in the living room as they went into the kitchen. Lisa decided to try and comfort the Detective right away, knowing that should it be her, she would have wanted some answers straight away herself.
"First of all, you should know that Kim didn't give your identity to me nor did she talk about anything said in your sessions as that is confidential. The only thing she said was that she had a patient who now was in a similar situation I had been in and left it with that. I responded to her by telling her I'd offer to talk with them should they want it and to say it to them. Even though I had an inkling it could be you, she never told me and I didn't ask. As for why I thought it might be you, well, as anyone else on the force I suspect, I knew about the shooting in the hospital so it wasn't that hard to figure out that the patient she had could be you. If it had been me now, I would have wanted to know this, and it would have helped with the 'trusting the therapist" thing," Lisa said.
Oliver nodded at Lisa.
"Thank you. You're right and it did answer some questions I had. I assume you hate therapists as much as I do so it's good to know she didn't say anything she wasn't supposed to do. Even though I didn't think she would, it is reassuring to know she didn't do it." Oliver replied.
"There are two things, besides desk duty and hospital beds, that we hate the most, lawyers and shrinks or psychologists. I married a psychologist and you married a lawyer, what does that say about us?" Lisa asked jokingly.
"That we're doomed and insane, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I kind of like one and love the other," Oliver laughed.
"Right back at you, Detective," Lisa answered laughing as well.
Now, being more relaxed and reassured about the conversation about himself between Kim and Lisa, Oliver was ready to start the conversation with Lisa he was supposed to have and needed to have so the Detective took a deep breath and started to talk.
"How did you do it, how did you know what to do?" Oliver asked softly.
"Oliver, while being an officer is difficult to make the choice I had to make, it's harder doing that same thing while being a Detective for SVU. Because of the nature of the crimes committed that you have to deal with. The most important question you have to answer for yourself is, am I done with doing what I did, fighting for the victims and getting the scumbags doing it off the streets? Everything else comes second. This is what you have to know for yourself first before thinking about anything else related. So, can you answer that question already, or do you have to think about it and figure that out first, Oliver?" Lisa asked.
"I doubt I'll ever feel like being done with doing that, I just don't know if I can do it," Oliver answered.
"I don't know anything about your personal life, but I know a few things about your professional one. You're called the "Angel of SVU", I doubt that is without a reason. You fight for victims no matter what it takes, and you've had your share of close calls I think, but you still kept doing it. What makes it different this time? It seems like you should be confident in what you can do but for some reason, you're not. Can you explain to me why it is that you're not as confident of yourself as you should be if it's not too personal or hard to tell?" Lisa asked.
"I'm sure you're aware of the fact that you have to volunteer for the SVU, as I did myself years back now. I'll explain it shortly to you but I don't want to talk about it after doing so," Oliver said.
"Alright, fair enough. And whatever it is you're about to tell me, there is no judgment here, just so you know it," Lisa replied.
Oliver nodded and thought about how and what he wanted to tell for a few seconds.
"When my mother was in college she was raped, they never found her rapist. I'm the product of that rape. Long story short, my mother didn't receive the help she needed nor did she cope with what happened and became an alcoholic and was one till the day she died. So I didn't exactly have the best life growing up, which is why my self-esteem or feelings of worthiness are not what they probably could or should be. That's why I joined SVU to try to help people like my mother or myself and try to find justice for them," Oliver said.
"Thank you for sharing that with me, it must have been hard to do that," Lisa said.
"Yeah, about that, Kim doesn't know it yet, I wasn't ready to talk about it in depth that is, so I haven't told her yet," Oliver said.
"No worries, I won't tell her. I hope that one day you'll be ready for it. If anyone can help you with it, it will be my wife. I guess now I know why you're such a good Detective at SVU," Lisa replied.
'Was, I was a good Detective at SVU. Now, I'm not so sure anymore," Oliver said.
"You don't look the type that wouldn't be sure anymore because of the shooting, but I guess I could be wrong," Lisa said.
Oliver shook his head and took a few seconds to collect himself before he replied to Lisa.
"You're not wrong, it didn't make me less sure. It's something else that makes me less sure, along with my low self-esteem that is, but I'm working on that with your wife," Oliver said.
"I think that something happened that makes you doubt it, and you don't have to tell me what it is, we're not gonna talk about that either. You said it yourself that you doubt you'll ever feel like being done with fighting for victims and you're a cops cop, you won't be happy doing something else. You seem like the person who uses things that happened and use them to empower yourself and things that piss you off make you fight even harder, so do the same thing now. Forget about the transition, it doesn't change who you are inside of you. With what you said today, your squad and your captain seem to be okay with it, so let that be for what it is. From what I've heard within the NYPD you've never taken no for an answer, so why doing that now with yourself? If it would have been anyone else you would have kicked their ass, including mine, Kim, and your wife's. Your captain wants to have you take up a step and wants you to become his successor. He doesn't doubt your abilities and he knows you well, I assume. I know that I don't know you, personally, but it sounds like you need to kick your own ass now because, despite what happened and your transition, your captain still thinks the same about you and your place within SVU. You have to become proud of yourself again, and we cops do that by doing what we do best, being an officer or Detective in this case. You're not done with being one, otherwise, we wouldn't have had this conversation or the session with Kim and your wife. You only need to listen to that angel on your left shoulder and ignore the devil on your right shoulder, because no matter how much they like to make fun of us, the people that are the proudest of us being cops, are our wives. And they love everything about us including that part, especially that part I should say I think. That's how I knew what I wanted to do, what needed to do, because I wanted to continue making my wife proud, as she's the only person who mattered in this situation, and while she wouldn't be disappointed in me should I have chosen a different profession, I know she will be more proud of me for staying in this profession. That should say enough in itself as it is not easy being married to someone in our line of work," Lisa said.
Oliver nodded at Lisa and looked away as he thought about all that Lisa said.
"You know," Oliver said as he looked back at Lisa, "you're right about our wives being the proudest of us. I know that Alex will never judge me, she will support whatever decision I make and will be proud of me whatever I choose to do for a profession but I'm indeed a cops cop and between you and me, that's all I know how to do and do well. The proudest I can make Alex is doing what makes me the proudest of myself and that still is being a cop. So I do need to kick my ass and not let insecurity or that devil on my right shoulder take over or win, I need to listen to that angel, whether it's the one on my shoulder or the one I'm married to," Oliver said.
