7 – Jon I
Some of Bran's enthusiasm drained away as he opened the book. Noticing his little brother's sudden reluctance, Robb spoke up. "What's the matter, Bran? Whose perspective is this chapter in?"
Bran looked up sadly. "Jon's." He hated the way his mother treated his big brother.
Catelyn attempted to hide her scowl, mindful of the fact that she was surrounded by her husband and children.
Maester Luwin only regarded Ned contemplatively, hoping that this chapter would open the man's eyes to some of the difficulties that young Jon faced in his life. It was long past time for the man to step up and do something proactive for the boy, especially now that he was fast approaching manhood.
Jon shifted in his seat, uncomfortable. The other chapters had been uncomfortable enough as it was, but Jon wasn't sure he wanted everyone to know what he thought and felt.
Ned only sighs to himself. He had always hoped that Catelyn would come to accept Jon, but it seemed that the opposite had happened. This chapter was going to be extremely uncomfortable for them all.
With an anxious look in Jon's direction, Bran started to read.
Sometimes Jon is glad that he is a bastard. As he refills his wine cup, he realises this might be one of those rare occasions. He sat back on his bench among the younger squires and drinks, the sweet, fruity taste of the summerwine bringing a smile to his lips.
"I do hope you don't drink too much," Ned interrupted sternly. Jon merely nodded silently at the rebuke. He didn't quite understand why Lord Stark was making such a big deal out of his drinking at the feast, it wasn't like it had even happened yet.
Winterfell's Great Hall is hazy with smoke and he can smell roasted meat and freshly baked bread. The walls were draped with the banners of Houses Stark, Baratheon and Lannister. A poet was reciting a ballad, but Jon is so far away that he can barely be heard.
At this, Robb, Arya and Bran look at each in a mixture of confusion and worry, Bran's eyes peeking nervously over the top of the book. Why wasn't their brother sitting at the high table with them? Why was he sitting so far away? Was there something wrong?
The welcoming feast for the royal party has been going on for four hours now.
"Four hours?" Arya exclaimed, horrified. "How could a single meal last so long?"
"It is the way of the court," Luwin answered. "The royal family makes a pageant out of the simplest things. If they want a feast to last for hours, everyone else obeys in an attempt to honour them."
Arya is stunned, while Sansa is enchanted at the mention of the court.
Jon's siblings are seated with the royal children. Lord Stark would permit each child a single glass of wine, but no more. Down on the benches there is no one to stop Jon from drinking as much as he likes.
He finds that he has a man's thirst, to the delight of the youths and squires who urged him on every time he drained a glass. Jon enjoys their company and relishes the tales they are telling, of battles and hunting. He is sure they are better company than the royal children.
Arya looked like she agreed, but dared not say anything upon noticing her mother's angry expression. Jon smiled fondly at his sister, finding her indignation on his behalf toughing. "At least you'll be able to tell me how bored you were afterwards," he whispered to her.
Jon had sated his curiosity about their guests when they made their entrance, having passed mere feet from his place on the bench.
This only confused Sansa. She knew that she and her half-brother were very different, but she didn't understand why anyone wasn't as excited about their royal visit as she was. She shook her head, knowing that she and her half-brother would never understand each other.
His father had come first, escorting the queen who is as beautiful as people said. She wore a tiara in her golden hair and had eyes the colour of emeralds. She had all but ignored Lord Stark as he escorted her up the dais. He could see through her smile, even at fourteen.
Luwin found himself nodding at this. He wasn't entirely surprised, young Jon had always been the most observant of the children.
Next came King Robert escorted by Lady Stark. The King was a disappointment to Jon. His father had often talked of him, the demon of the Trident, his strength and prowess in battle, a giant among princes. Jon only saw a fat, red-faced man, drunk.
Ned groaned. As much as he didn't want to believe it, this was only showing him how much his brother had changed over the years. He was no longer sure he was looking forward to this reunion.
Jon has to urge three-year-old Rickon forward when he stops to visit. After Rickon was Robb with Princess Myrcella.
Robb leaned forward, interested. Escorting a princess would be rather fun, he thought.
The princess is eight years old, with golden curls and a timid smile, who looks shyly at Robb. Jon decides she is insipid. Robb doesn't realise her stupidity, as he's grinning foolishly. Arya is paired off with Prince Tommen and Sansa with Crown Prince Joffrey.
Sansa's eyes widened at hearing this while her brothers and sister rolled their eyes at her. Bran couldn't help but feel somewhat confused. All of his siblings had been mentioned, except for him.
At twelve the prince is younger than Jon and Robb, but taller than either of them. He had his mother's blond hair and green eyes. Sansa looks radiant beside him, but Jon doesn't like the bored, disdainful way he looks at the Great Hall.
Ned couldn't help but frown at this. He wasn't sure he liked the sound of the prince. A certain amount of arrogance came with being royalty, of course, but a prince shouldn't look down on his future vassals.
Jon is more interested in the queen's brothers, the Lion and the Imp. The queen's twin, Ser Jaime, was tall and golden with a smile that could cut like a blade. He wore silk and satin, the sigil of his House proudly visible. People called him "kingslayer" behind his back. Jon can't help thinking that this is what a king should look like.
"Maybe you think Jaime Lannister is what a king should look like," Ned interrupted. "But Jon, remember that the man is an oathbreaker and a man without honour."
Jon nodded, having heard his father's lectures on honour his entire life.
The Imp, Tyrion Lannister, is the other brother. A dwarf, half his brother's height, with stunted legs, mismatched eyes, and a head that is too big for his body. Jon watches him in fascination.
"Why?" Arya asked rudely. "He sounds really ugly."
"Arya!" Catelyn scolded sharply. "I swear I don't know what's gotten into you. I know I didn't raise you to be so ill-mannered."
Ned, on the other hand smiled gently down at his daughter. "Arya, a person's appearance and titles don't matter. It's a person's personality that counts."
The last to arrive is their uncle, Benjen Stark, and their father's ward, Theon Greyjoy. Benjen smiles at Jon as he passes while Theon ignores him completely.
Robb can't help but feel disappointed hearing this. He had never quite given up hope that his brother and best friend would get along, though it only seemed ever more unlikely.
Jon had started drinking after the feast had officially begun and had not stopped.
Catelyn scowled, wishing the chapter over and done with. She had no wish to talk about the bastard for any longer than strictly necessary.
Glancing down, Jon saw Ghost looking up at him. He asks if Ghost is still hungry and slid half a chicken onto the floor for him. His siblings hadn't been allowed to bring their pups to the feast, but no one said a word about Ghost.
"Wish I was allowed to take Nymeria to the feast," Arya grumbled.
His eyes stung and Jon rubbed them harshly, blaming the smoke.
Arya and Robb looked shocked. They had never seen Jon cry before. Even Sansa seemed uncomfortable now.
Another dog attempts to eat some of the chicken, but Ghost aggressively defends his meal, baring his fangs. The dog slinks away. Jon grins and ruffles Ghost's fur.
Jon looks up happily as Benjen asks if this was one of the direwolves he'd heard of. Jon introduces Ghost to him. Ben asks how much wine Jon has had. Jon merely smiles in response, causing his uncle to laugh.
Luwin almost wanted to groan at the glares Catelyn sent Jon then. Would the woman never get past her petty grudge? Jon had never done anything to earn Catelyn's ire, except simply exist.
His uncle was sharp-featured and gaunt but there was always laughter in his eyes. He was dressed all in black as a brother of the Night's Watch. Benjen watched Ghost in amusement, commenting on how quiet the wolf is. Jon tells that he never makes a sound, which is why he is named Ghost. That and the fact that he is completely white.
Ben asks why Jon isn't sharing the meal with his siblings. Jon replies flatly that Lady Stark thought it would be an insult the royal family to have a bastard seated amongst them.
Sansa shifted uncomfortably at this. She completely agreed with her mother, of course, but she didn't want to start an argument with the rest of her family.
Watching the high table Jon saw a tightness in his father he had rarely seen before. Despite observing the courtesies, he said little, staring into space.
"Being able to see all that through smoke from such a distance is rather impressive," Ned praised his son. Jon merely shrugged in response. It wasn't that hard, it was just watching people.
However the king had been drinking all night. He was flushed, laughed loudly and often, and attacked every dish as though starved. Beside him the queen was as cold and frozen as an ice sculpture.
Ned frowned as he listened. He couldn't help wondering why Robert had married Cersei. They certainly didn't seem very happy together.
Jon says that the queen is angry as well, because the king went to the crypts this afternoon despite her objections.
Benjen comments that Jon doesn't miss much and that they could use a man like him – an observant man – on the Wall.
Jon smiled at the compliment. The very fact that Uncle Benjen thought he would be well-suited to the wall meant a lot to him. He didn't notice Arya and Robb exchange worried looks, or Lord Stark frown at him in concern.
Jon swells with pride. He tells Benjen that Robb is the better lance, but he is the better sword and Hullen says he is one of the best riders at Winterfell. In a rush he asks Benjen to take him with him when he returns to the Wall. Jon is sure that Father will listen to him if Benjen asks.
"Why have you never spoken to me about this before, Jon?" Ned asked, upset and in shock. "How long have you wanted to leave us for?"
Jon scuffed his boots on the stone floor, not looking up as he spoke. "I haven't made a decision yet Father. But it's time for me to start thinking about my future. I don't have a future here. You have to admit it."
"What do mean by that?"
"Robb will be Lord of Winterfell one day. Bran and Rickon will be his bannermen when they are grown. The girls will eventually marry and leave Winterfell. But what future can a bastard hope for?"
Ned looked as though he had been slapped. He felt the beginnings of shame and guilt.
"Get married? You must be kidding me," Arya scoffed. "Not bloody likely."
"We can discuss this later Jon," Ned said tiredly. A large part of him was hoping that Jon would change his mind by the time they finished the books. For the first time he was hoping for something awful. Something that would change Jon's mind. Jon may not be his son, but he was still his flesh and blood. He had sworn to protect him.
Benjen is hesitant and says that the Wall is a hard place for a boy. Jon protests that he is almost a grown man at fifteen and that Maester Luwin says bastards grow up faster than other children. He points out that Daeron Targaryen was only fourteen when he conquered Dorne.
Benjen points out that the conquest lasted a summer and that he lost ten thousand men taking the place and fifty thousand holding it. He also points out that Daeron died at eighteen. Jon sits up straighter and repeats that he wants to serve in the Night's Watch.
Jon is listening intently, as determined as ever to join the Watch, but is also interested in hearing his uncle's counterarguments.
Jon had thought on it long and hard at night while his siblings slept. Robb will inherit Winterfell someday, commanding armies as the Warden of the North. Bran and Rickon will be his bannermen, ruling holdfasts in his name. Arya and Sansa would both marry and go south as mistresses of their own castles.
"I'm not going to marry," Arya hissed angrily, repeating her earlier statement. Why couldn't she make her own decisions? If her brothers could make their own decisions, control their own lives, why couldn't she?
But what could a bastard hope to become in life?
Ned shifted uncomfortably in his seat at hearing this for the second time in as many minutes. Perhaps he had made the wrong choices for Jon after all. Perhaps he could have made a different choice…
"But, Jon, you know you always have a place here with us, don't you?" Robb asked miserably. Both and Arya hated the thought of their brother leaving them all.
Jon nodded, but didn't look convinced. Luwin didn't blame him. If anyone thought that Lady Catelyn would let Jon stay on at Winterfell if Ned went to King's Landing or died was deluded. The victoriously smug expression the woman currently wore sent shivers down his spine.
Sansa, on the other hand was beginning to feel confused. She had never been particularly close to Jon, but she had also always known what her future would hold. For the first time she was beginning to realise that her half-brother's future wasn't as settled or secure. For the first time she realised that Jon had very few real options in life.
Benjen tells Jon that he doesn't know what he's asking. The Night's Watch swears to never have families. Will never have children. Their watchwords are honour and duty. Jon might be less eager to swear the oaths if he knew the cost, son.
Jon angrily tells Benjen that he's not his son. Benjen says that it's a pity and to come back once he's fathered a few bastards of his own. They'll see how he feels then.
Jon says that he will never father a bastard. Never. He spits the words out like venom.
The room fell silent as the tension grew. Jon is both shocked and angry – he can't believe that Uncle Benjen would say something like that to him. He knows that his life is easier than that of a lot of bastards, but it's still not easy by any stretch of the imagination. He wouldn't condemn an innocent child to this life if he could help it.
For some reason Catelyn was feeling torn. Oh, she was more than pleased at the thought of the bastard leaving Winterfell, but at the same time she hurts for her own children. Knowing that they will likely miss their half-brother. She wouldn't miss him though. She hated the mere thought of her husband's bastard despite knowing the boy had technically done no wrong. The thought of him – the sight of him – brought back her insecurities each and every time.
Ned, on the other hand, was blaming himself. It was all his fault that Jon's life was so hard, but there had been no other way to keep him safe. This chapter was making him question his past decisions. He was undeniably proud of Jon, even more so now, but should he have told someone the truth? Told Catelyn, perhaps? Ned shook his head. It was all impossible. There was no way to make this easier on anyone.
Jon realises that the table has fallen silent and that everyone is looking at him. He feels tears beginning to well in his eyes and excuses himself before anyone could see him cry. On his way out Jon knocks over a serving girl to booming laughter.
Jon sank into his seat, eyes on the floor. Could it get any more humiliating?
Ghost follows, close on his heels.
Jon smiled faintly to himself. At least he had one loyal friend in Ghost. His pup would never abandon him.
The yard is quiet and empty, except for a single sentry who looks cold and lonely. Jon would have changed places with him in a heartbeat.
Catelyn rolled her eyes and scowled at Jon. It was just like him to complain of being lonely when he was always surrounded by people. He never had a chance to be lonely! It was only Ned's and Luwin's stern glances that kept her from snapping, though she bit her tongue only unwillingly.
The music spilling from the windows is the last thing he wants to hear. He wipes his tears, angry that he let them fall. As he turns to leave Jon is interrupted by Tyrion Lannister, who is sitting on the ledge above the door.
Tyrion grins and asks about Ghost and Jon explains that he is a direwolf. Jon forgets his disappointment as they begin a conversation. Tyrion asks if he can have a closer look at the wolf, and jumps of the ledge, spinning around in a tight ball and vaulting onto his legs.
"I didn't know that was even possible," Arya gasped, eyes wide. "How do you think he got up there in the first place?"
"I don't know, Arya," Robb said, smiling down at his sister. "Perhaps you and Bran can ask Lord Tyrion when he arrives." As he spoke, Robb ruffled Arya's hair, causing her to slap his hand away.
Keeping a wary eye on Tyrion, Jon summons Ghost, allowing Tyrion to pat him. Tyrion introduces himself and asks if Jon is Lord Stark's bastard. Jon felt a coldness pass through him and didn't reply. Tyrion apologises for any offence given, saying that dwarves don't need to be tactful. He states that Jon is the bastard though.
Jon stiffly admits that Lord Stark is his father. Tyrion says that he can see it, that Jon has more of the North in him than his brothers.
Catelyn closes her eyes at this, far too aware of a fact that already made her bitter. She knew rationally speaking that Jon's existence and his presence at Winterfell were not his fault, but she still could not help the fact that she loathed him.
Jon was pleased by the comment but attempted to not let it show. Tyrion wants to counsel Jon and tells him to never forget what he is, for the world will not. To make being a bastard his strength, instead of a weakness. To wear it like armour so it cannot be used to hurt him.
Jon cannot help but feel annoyed by this unexpected advice. Who was Tyrion Lannister to advise and counsel him? What would he know about being a bastard? He knew nothing about Jon and his life. How could he presume to know anything about him? Anything at all?
Jon isn't in the mood to be advised and asks what Tyrion would know about being a bastard. Tyrion responds that all dwarves are bastards in their fathers eyes and that his mother died birthing him. Jon doesn't even know who his mother was.
Despite his confidence in the fact that he had done the right thing for Jon, had kept him safe all these years, Ned couldn't help but feel the stab of a guilty conscience at that line. Jon deserved to know who his mother was more than anything else.
Tyrion tells him that it was probably some woman – most mothers are. Grinning ruefully, Tyrion tells Jon to remember one thing. All dwarves may be bastards, yet not all bastards need be dwarves. On that note, Tyrion turned to walk back into the feast, whistling. When he opened the door, his shadow reached across the yard, and for a moment Tyrion Lannister stood as tall as a king.
Bran set the book down quietly. "That's the chapter done," he said softly. He had barely been able to stand the tension while reading it. Like most of his siblings, Bran loved Jon dearly and couldn't understand why his mother couldn't just try to get along with him.
Maester Luwin was watching the children carefully. "Are you quite alright, Sansa?" he asked suddenly, causing everyone to look at the distressed girl.
"I'm so sorry Jon," Sansa whispered. "I'm sorry if I have ever made you feel like you weren't welcome here. Like you weren't family. This… this made me start thinking about things from your point of view and how I never truly took your thoughts and feelings into account. I never realised how alone you feel. I'm sorry if I ever made you feel that way."
"Apology accepted, Sansa," Jon said. He had never once imagined that Sansa would ever apologise for never considering him family, but he was glad she had.
"That's enough!" Catelyn burst out. "The children don't have to hear about this, clearly it has been far too much for them. It is far too dangerous."
"I'm perfectly fine, Mother," Sansa said, dignified. "This is about our family. Our family's future. It is important that we all hear it. Yes, it is dangerous, but we need to know what is coming for us. We should have time for at least another couple of chapters before dinner. We should keep reading."
"Sansa's right, Catelyn," Ned said. "They all need to know. Jon, why don't you start the next chapter?"
With a wide smile Bran handed the book to his brother. It seemed that one rift in his family had started to repair, even if his mother clearly wasn't happy about it.
