Chapter 7 - I don't want closure
I left in the early hours of the morning, kissing him goodbye as he lolled in that half state of sleep where you're not really sure whether you're actually awake, his smile as my lips touched his jaw falling into a puff as he exhaled his breath, snoring following not far behind. He might be almost perfect but there was that small thing, his snoring reminding the world that he was in fact human after all.
Needing to head home and pack an actual bag for the short trip we were taking in just a few hours, I fell into my own bed, the first time in a few nights, noticing the smell on the sheets smelt off. It wasn't him. And as I closed my eyes, I didn't like that my brain was reminding me that he was leaving as soon as we returned from this trip. In fact we landed back home and he wouldn't be leaving the airport, heading straight to catch an international flight while I would be driving back to this empty apartment. Nothing about that sat right but I was exhausted so sleep came quickly, shutting out all the obtrusive thoughts until my eyes opened again.
Back at the hotel in what felt like only a few hours later, I entered the suite to the chaos of everyone and everything being packed up, arriving later than I was thinking I would due to traffic. There were a few members gathered already with luggage around them although I knew it would be staff who were responsible for those getting on the flight.
"Marley, we're leaving soon," Nicole said when I appeared and I nodded, looking around. She laughed. "Don't worry, it's always like this when it's time to travel but it's very streamlined so we'll get there safely. You're travelling with me and some of the other staff."
"What happens with the guys?"
She turned to me sharply, glancing at me and in the direction of the members, noting like I had that Jungkook hadn't appeared yet. "What do you mean?"
"Oh, I'm just curious. In the early days they seemed to travel in a large vehicle together from what I can see online. Do they need to be separated for security reasons?"
She relaxed a little, maybe realising I wasn't asking to travel with Jungkook, pretty certain she knew what was going on. "They'll be split between 3 or 4 cars, a member or two and their managers usually. Some like to chat, others use the time to sleep so it's pretty strategic to have the best outcome for everyone. We've learned that grumpy members travelling is no fun."
"I can't imagine them being grumpy," I said, realising it was true. I'd seen them tired but not really annoyed and snappy with each other.
"That's because you are part of the reason they're happy or at least one of them specifically," she said, a rise of her eyebrows confirming she did know. Clearing my throat I just sent her a tight smile and she leaned closer. "Don't worry, it hasn't effected their work so I'm not going to be saying anything."
"Thank you," I said quietly, eyes quickly noting that Jungkook had walked into the room and she followed my gaze.
"Just a warning though, airports are really crazy and you'll need to just stay with me and not go anywhere near the members. For both of your sakes."
I nodded that I understood because I did and I didn't want any photos taken or anything to link us together. I'd seen online what that could look like. "Thank you Nicole-ssi, I'm trying to be careful."
"I know you are," she said, wrapping an arm around my shoulder and giving it a squeeze. "It can't be easy, knowing we're all heading back to Korea soon."
"No but I knew that was happening when it all, well, started I guess." I still didn't know how to define it in my head because saying we were just hooking up wasn't exactly true. There was conversation and banter and a friendship that I would like to think could still exist if we lived in the same city.
"Ten minutes," a manager called and I looked in Kook's direction as his eyes met mine, a tiny smile as he looked away. Taehyung was with him, leaning close to whisper something in his ear and he nodded before looking at me again. I didn't have to be a mind reader to know they were talking about me, noting that look on Jungkook's face, something like worry and a hardness that I hadn't really seen before. I focused on what was going on around me, asking if they needed a hand to finish getting ready, a grateful and frazzled noona smiling as she handed me a box of cords to wind carefully into small boxes. It felt good to focus on something, anything to ease the small discomfort I was feeling at the day ahead.
The departure flight to our destination actually wasn't too bad. Noone really knew the group were leaving on that day. The crazy would likely be when they landed in the new city given the fact their arrival was leaked. So the cars had dropped us all off, staff had handled the airport well and I got a little taste of a few people noticing them without it being wild. As it was a domestic flight, they were in business class and I was back with other staff in the economy, not bothered by that in the least. I liked flying and it was just a short few hours of travel so that part was easy. It was coming off the plane with the warning that there were quite a few people waiting that started the spike in tension amongst everyone. Guided into a room between the plane and the exit, everyone gathered for a moment to make sure the members were all ready and so the staff could fall into place. It felt a little chaotic and most people were just keen to get to the new hotel so bags could be offloaded and the schedule could be started.
The noise was crazy as the members, staff and security all got ready and grouped up. I was going to be walking in the first bunch of people with staff, security would be behind us then members and more security surrounding. Everyone was masked up so it was harder to tell who was who. I felt tension begin to rise as I could hear the commotion through the double doors; the reporters and ARMY waiting. My hands began to twitch and I rubbed my fingers together before realising what I was doing. I looked down and noticed, choosing to put them behind my back instead so I couldn't see my nerves but my fingers still shook. There was movement behind me, lots of people pressing close and Jungkook took two steps forward until he was standing almost pressed up against me. I felt his hand close around my fingers, stilling them in his grasp and a wave of calm washed over me. His breath was against my neck and I lined my breathing with his, in and out a few times until my heart began to slow. I squeezed back to let him know I appreciated him being there even as he let go when someone called that we were moving. He stepped back and security came between us as the doors in front pushed open and on mass, we started to walk. The camera flashes and noise was overwhelming and I kept moving, focusing down on the ground, hoping the mask and hat I wore hid the fact that I didn't belong.
We were guided straight towards the exit and where cars were waiting, relief as the door closed on us. Some staff were responsible for getting all the checked in luggage and bringing it with them so the rest of us could leave quickly and I was glad that wasn't our carload. I must've looked shell shocked as Nicole leaned over. "Are you OK? It's a lot right?"
"Quite scary really, all those people calling out and pushing. I don't know how they handle it so well."
"I think they mostly zone out, have music in their ears so it can drown out the craziness."
Looking out the window, I was slightly less stressed when I saw Jimin then Jungkook, head into a waiting car, door closing on them. Breathing out the breath I must've been holding for a few minutes, I relaxed back in the seat, buckling myself in. Nicole just gave me a knowing look and a half smile and I wondered if she understood everything that was whirring in my brain as the cars pulled away, heading for the hotel and the rest of the busy day ahead.
Jungkook
"You know what the airport will be like Jungkookie," Tae said, leaning in close so only I could hear. "You need to not draw any attention to anyone we're with."
He didn't need to say specifically, we knew each other well enough that I knew he was just giving me a gentle warning so I'd stay away from Marley. My jaw locked at the thought of the cameras and people and craziness that would be short lived but that could damage people with just a few clicks of a button. I'd be nowhere near her the whole time we were travelling although the same wouldn't be said for at night time and I was more than a little thankful the members had progressed past sharing rooms like we did in the early days although we did often end up falling asleep in each others rooms from boredom and loneliness.
"Taehyungie hyung, you think this is foolish don't you? Me and her I mean?"
"Not foolish Jungkookie, just something really difficult. No matter what way I look at it, there will be hurt for one or both of you."
"It's finishing soon anyway so no need to worry."
"Is it," Tae replied and I followed his eyes to where she'd glanced at me. I felt his words, knew what he was insinuating but pushed it aside. Yeah, we were leaving in a few days to go back to South Korea and just like last time, life would carry on for the both of us. Except, if I was really real with myself, those weeks when we were apart, I hadn't really done what I'd said I would and get on with things because her scent was always on my skin and her body was seared in my mine. Now more than ever.
Not replying, knowing he didn't expect one, I set my jaw for the day, airports always feeling more overwhelming than I would like. But the worry today wasn't for myself. I could almost feel the anxiety radiating off Marley, even from the other side of the room and it was her I was thinking about as we travelled on the plane and gathered up, ready to walk the gauntlet of press and fans.
I'd been able to touch her briefly to pass on my reassurance with all the push of staff around us being too busy to notice but it was short lived. I looked straight ahead as the cameras went off, my expression hidden under sunglasses and mask and watched as Marley dropped her gaze to the ground, making herself as small as possible as they walked. My instinct kicked in to protect her and I must've moved slightly forward as Tae reached out to grab the edge of my jacket, holding me in place with an almost imperceptible shake of his head. He was right of course, I shouldn't draw attention to her and she was surrounded by staff who I trusted but it was killing me to watch her like this. What world had I encouraged her into for my own selfish pleasure and was she going to be different with me once she knew just how crazy my world could be? I felt the weight of my choices resting heavily on my shoulders as we continued our walk through the airport, not even really seeing or hearing the noise and camera flashes, too focused on the ground and her legs in the distance that I could just make out with my own eyes hidden behind my sunglasses. This needed to be over, the day needed to finish and I wanted us to be in the seclusion of my hotel room as I felt like there were things we needed to say.
Marley
"That was exhausting," I said as Nicole and I put our bags down. "Which bed would you like?" The room was nice, two large double beds and a bright bathroom. Comfortable enough for the two days we would be here.
"Travel days always are, even if we're just going a short distance. I don't mind which bed I have, our schedule is pretty packed so we'll barely be here apart from sleeping and I get the feeling it will mostly just be me in here anyway."
Turning to look at her to see if she was judging, she just shrugged her shoulders at me. "I'm a heavy sleeper so if you get up in the night to go to the gym, or whatever, you won't be disturbing my sleep."
"Thank you," I said, nodding. "You choose then, since you might be in here more than me."
"The one furthest from the door works for me," she answered, unpacking a few essentials, massaging her sore feet as she sat on the edge of the bed. My mouth twisted a little as I looked at her and she returned my look with a smile. "Marley-ssi, it will be OK."
"Will it? Are we being stupid?"
"Does it feel stupid," she asked and I flopped on the other bed, falling back against the pillows.
"Not stupid. Just...," and I stopped, searching for the words I wanted. "It's just painful to think about being over."
"Is that because you have real feelings for him or are you caught up in the excitement of the world they move in?"
"My job, my regular one that is, means I've been around actors and musicians before. It's not all that exciting to me to be honest, especially as a lot of them are very entitled. But not these guys. And not him." I couldn't say his name out loud. By naming him in front of her, it felt like I was revealing something I wanted to hold onto, even if she knew exactly who I was talking about. I wanted the charade to last a little longer.
"He likes you Marley," Nicole said, leaning back on her arms and watching me.
"I know he does, I like him too but it's nothing serious."
"It's nothing serious for you," she asked and I frowned.
"For the both of us. We both knew what this was."
"Huh," Nicole said, standing up and walking through to the bathroom. "Mind if I take a shower now?"
"What does huh mean eonni," I asked, not sure what she was getting at.
"Maybe a conversation would be good, sooner rather than later," she said, walking into the bathroom and closing the door.
"About what," I called, knowing she could still hear me. "Nicole-ssi?"
"About being adults," she said and I was none the wiser, falling back on my bed with an arm over my eyes. Everything felt a little weird today and I didn't know if this last part of the trip was going to go the way I wanted it to which mainly revolved around getting in some quality time even if it wasn't quality sleep before we had to say goodbye.
I hadn't seen which room Jungkook had been assigned and I wasn't sure he knew which was mine or whether he would come given the fact it was common knowledge that staff were all sharing. So when a knock sounded an hour later, both Nicole and I startled.
"It's probably for you," she said, raising an eyebrow and I went to the peephole, surprised to open it on Jimin.
"Just the person I wanted," Jimin said, indicating with his head for me to follow.
"Ah, I'm just heading out Nicole-ssi," I called.
"Take a card, you don't know when you'll be back," and I quickly went back inside, grabbing a key card, thanking her. "And Marley," she said as I was closing the door behind me, "have fun," and I smiled at her, grateful to have someone who was maybe on my side.
"Where are we going Jimin-ssi," I asked and he just raised an eyebrow.
"Something about you translating, blah blah, just an excuse," he said, short sentences coming out as he smiled at me. "You don't know which rooms we're all in do you?" I shook my head and he herded us towards the elevators. "Not this floor, we're right at the top."
"Oh, even better views," I said as we walked in and he pushed the button to send us to the top of the building.
"Yes but I doubt Jungkook will be looking out the windows."
He was looking at me as he spoke, not smiling or smirking in fact I couldn't read what he felt about it all. So I stayed silent and he eventually filled in the blank space with words.
"You know we're going back home in two days."
"Yes."
"And we're not back for a while, maybe not even until next year."
"I know," I said softly and it felt heavy.
"Jungkook doesn't want to say goodbye," he was watching me even more closely now and my teeth came to chew on my lip, crossing my arms in front of my body. This conversation was giving me an uncomfortable feeling in my stomach.
"He doesn't have to," I replied as the doors to the lift slid open. He looked at me like I'd said the weirdest thing.
"You two have a strange relationship," he said as we walked.
"We don't have a relationship at all," I answered, walking a little quicker to keep up with his surprisingly long steps.
"Do you really think that," he asked, stopping in front of a door, hand poised to knock but not doing it yet. "Because I think you both need to talk." And then he rapped on the door with his knuckles, not even waiting for it to be answered before he walked away.
My confused face met Jungkook's and he ushered me inside, locking the door after us. "I hope you don't mind that I sent Jimin, it wouldn't have been a good idea if it was me."
"It all worked out fine Jungkook," I said, taking the hand he held out for me and following him into his room. It was much bigger than mine, a suite rather than a room, bedroom separate but he guided us into the seating area. Pulling me into his lap, I wrapped my arms around his neck, silent as his hands roamed over my sides and legs.
"I didn't like today," he said, leaning his head against mine.
"What part," I asked, moving slightly so I could snuggle into his shoulder, into his warmth.
"The airport, watching you on your own."
"I was OK Kook. The staff were all very kind and checked on me."
"I didn't like it though." I could hear his pout even without looking at him.
"I'm sorry."
He pulled lightly back from me, looking down with a frown. "Why are you apologising? You weren't in control of all those people."
"No but you wouldn't be worrying if I wasn't there."
He was quiet for a moment, fingers coming back to lightly stroke my thigh and I blinked slowly at the feeling. I very much enjoyed his touch, that was undeniable. The fact I didn't want to have to let it go was something I'd keep to myself. "I was the one who suggested you translate for us again. It's my fault you were in that situation."
"Kook, I worried more for you than me. It was just an uncomfortable situation and then it was over."
"It happens all the time though, not just at airports. My life is complicated."
"I've always known that, I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to be."
"Why are you here then," he asked, eyes bunched in a frown.
"Because of you," I answered honestly and he squeezed my knee before going back to lightly stroking my skin.
"Me huh?" He was fishing now and I was happy to stroke his ego a little.
"Yeah the options were to be around you again or not be around you again. It was kind of a no brainer."
"Same for me. You could translate for us or not but one meant spending time with you so it was a no brainer for me too."
"It's been good Jungkook."
"It has, hasn't it," he said, leaning down to kiss me, erasing what was in the back of my mind for a moment. The questions I had, the conversation Nicole and Jimin had hinted at, could wait. "Does your roommate think you're coming back?"
"It's Nicole and she knows Kook," I said, turning around in his lap so I was straddling his thighs, feeling the muscles of them rippling under mine. "I don't think she's expecting me back at all."
"Good," he muttered into my neck. "With only two more nights left, I've made it very clear on the members chat that I am unavailable."
"Won't they know what that means," I asked, hands running down his arms, biceps flexing a little as he held me close.
"Doesn't matter if they do. Won't change the fact I want to spend as much time with you as I can before...," his voice trailed away as I threaded my tongue in with his. I didn't need to hear the end of the sentence, I knew what he was going to say and I didn't want to think about it. The procrastination tonight, his touch wiping away all concerns for a moment was exactly what I wanted to be doing.
"Marley," he said, pulling away so that he could easily see my eyes, "come to bed with me?"
"It's one of my most favourite things to do Jungkook," I replied and his eyes lit up, grin spreading as he searched for my lips again.
"Mine too," he answered against them. "Do you want a tour of the suite on the way," he teased and I wanted to tease him back.
"Yes please," and he smirked, picking me up and over his shoulder, a squeak and his name falling from my mouth at how suddenly it happened.
"That might have to wait until morning sweetheart," he replied, taking me through to the bedroom, firmly closing the door behind him, his name falling from my mouth in a different way not too long after.
24 hours later, I found myself in his room again and this time I couldn't hold off on my questions. We were leaving the next day to fly back to our different homes and it was now or never.
"Nicole seems to think we have things we should talk about. Jimin too actually."
"Oh, is that right, what did they say?" We were sitting on the couch in his suite, mindlessly stroking each others hands, reaching towards each other for a small kiss here and there.
"More tone really. They implied that, well, there was more going on with us than just sleeping together."
"Well yeah, there is," he answered straight away.
"No feelings right?"
His pause was palpable and I chose to consider it a break so he could regroup his words instead of any other reasons.
"I can ignore the feelings because we agreed there weren't any and just enjoy it when you turn up in my room and in my bed."
I was annoyed at that answer and I'm sure it showed on my face. "You'll ignore your feelings? Is this how it's going to be then? You coming to USA and I'm your translator or booty call? Me maybe coming to South Korea sometimes and doing the same there?"
"It's working pretty well for me," he joked then stopped when he saw my frown. "I thought we talked about no feelings, at least deep ones therefore I can't talk about having any," he said, brow furrowing a little.
"Jungkook I think about us a lot when you're not around. Because I know we're good together."
"I do too," he said, nodding.
"But just because I don't talk about deep feelings doesn't mean to say I don't have feelings at all. Am I in love with you? No, although I could see that happening if we were more than just passing the time together. You're pretty easy to love. But I do care a lot about us and I do feel some things for you because I'm a human being with feelings and eyes."
"Do you think I see it as just passing some time together?"
"It's not more than that, it can't be."
"Why not?"
His question caught me off guard because there were so many reasons that I listed for him, sounding a little angry as I did. "Because we live in different countries. Walk in different circles. Barely ever see each other. Can't even text or have each other on social media. Because it doesn't make sense for us to be an us."
"Nothing about my life really makes sense. I was a kid, barely a teenager when I started in this Idol life and I know it's not normal. I can't walk anywhere without security, I am often waking up in a hotel bed unsure what country I'm in. I barely see my family or my friends back home and the only constants in my life are my members. But that doesn't mean I don't crave it to be slightly more normal, to have what other people my age have."
"And what's that," I asked, sounding angrier than I meant to, emotions catching up with me after the nearly three months of things going back and forth between us. I don't know when it changed from me being OK with us just being briefly in each others lives but I'd be lying if I said I was OK with it now. "You want to have someone in your bed every night when you get home? That's what you want from me when I'm here right, to have me available for you?" Even as I said the words, I didn't believe them, I was just speaking out of hurt at the situation. I didn't want what we'd had to be the sum total of us but it seemed like that was all we were destined to have.
"You really don't know me at all, do you," he asked, shaking his head. "I don't just want someone in my bed, I want someone in my life. Who gets me, who wants all sides of me. I'm obsessive and demanding and I have incredibly high standards for myself so I'm not always great to be around. But I can't have that anyway because no-one wants to stick around for the long stints of time when I'm not available for them. And that's fricken lonely." His voice broke a little as he spoke, defeat making his tone go from sharp to a little broken and I softened as I watched his face change.
Taking a breath, my voice softened as I spoke. "I haven't really known you that long Kook, not well enough to be judging you so I'm sorry for yelling at you. I can see you have high standards, that you've told yourself you need to be perfect at everything for people to love you. But Jungkook," I said, tentatively reaching out to take his hand, surprised when he let me and enclosed it in his, "sometimes you just need to stop and ask yourself, is it worth it? If you're lonely, even amongst all the fame and success that you have, is it worth the sacrifice?"
"It's not just me I have to think about, we're a team. Even when one of us wants to stop, we keep going for the other six. And I think you know me a lot better than you think."
"It's amazing, your brotherhood is so strong. But surely they feel the same way too, that the work and real life balance is off. I mean, why can't you have social media that is private and communicate with people that way. With me specifically. By now I would hope you have seen that I haven't talked to anyone about us."
"I do have a private Instagram, I just set it up one day but I don't really know how to use it. And I do trust that you won't say anything to anyone. I'm just so used to doing what I'm told by the company so that things go smoothly. It's what's got us to where we are now, that and of course ARMY."
"And maybe because you're talented," I added with an eye roll but the fire from our fight had gone out a lot, simmering as an uncomfortable feeling now because I couldn't have what I wanted and it made me moody. Moody and sad.
"I'm pretty hard work to be around," he said, leaning in a little to touch my hair, twisting it in his fingers, a tentative reconciliation.
"Because you're a perfectionist," I asked and he nodded.
"And because for a decade it's been a box I've fit into that I climb in and out of in my professional and personal lives. I'm a certain way for the cameras and most of that is the real me but I hide a lot, I have to. And I'm not the pure angel baby that they describe me as online, that some ARMY seem determined to keep me as forever."
"Oh, I can attest to the fact you are not pure," I joked, tilting my eyebrow at him and dimples appeared as he grinned.
"Neither are you," he said, pulling me a little closer.
"Ah yes but I don't pretend to be."
"I'm glad you don't have to pretend. And I'm sorry it was a lot to be around the last few weeks. The keeping things hidden between us."
"I understand all of that Jungkook, I'm just sorry that's your whole life."
"And I'm sorry I can't offer you more."
That caught me off guard and I stared at him without speaking for a moment. If he could offer more of himself, would he? And would I want it?
"For now just offer me you and I'll offer you me, at least one last time. Then we can say goodbye and I won't stay the night, that would just make it more difficult, I'd rather walk away from you on a high."
"It would be definitely be too visible to try and say goodbye at the airport when we land back in your city. Tonight is a much better plan even if the thought of it makes me feel really sad. But I can at least distract us for a little bit longer," he said, reaching to pull the top up and over my head.
"Distract us for a lot longer Kook, not just a little," I answered, letting my fingers slide under his top, over his abs, not stopping as neither did his hands stop until I was begging him to stop teasing me and get on with it.
"Oh, I'm going to miss this," he whispered into my ear as his body captured mine.
And all I could do was nod, closing my eyes as the now very familiar dance of our bodies clouded all other thoughts, at least for a few, beautiful moments.
Afterwards, as we lay in each others arms, like lovers do even though we're not, we spoke small words to each other that we needed to hear.
"I don't want this to be over any more than you do," he said, squeezing his lips together into a tight line and they disappeared even as dimples appeared at the movement. He gently ran his fingers over my cheekbones, tucking my hair behind my ears before pulling me into his body, holding me close.
"I know this is meant to just be a thing to enjoy while we're together. It feels horrible to think about saying goodbye again though. I don't know when we're back again, I asked Namjoon but he didn't know."
"It's OK Jungkook, really. I did go into this with my eyes wide open, it was always going to end one day." My chest tightened as I spoke but I didn't want to send him away sad so I held in just how much I'd miss him. He nodded and then shook his head, like he couldn't decide what he was thinking. I understood. I didn't know what I was thinking or feeling myself, just trying to make us both feel better with my words.
Reaching for my hand, moving it so my fingers were against the nape of his neck, leaning in to run his nose up my wrist, up my arm, across my skin, he ended with his lips against my throat. It tickled a little and I giggled, sighing as his mouth continued against my skin.
"What are you doing Kook? We really do need to say goodbye."
"Memorising you," he answered, muffled against my cheek, lips finding mine. I was not against this kind of memorising but I knew it would make it harder, for me at least.
"I've had the best time with you Jungkook," I said as we pulled slightly apart and he tightened his arms around my back at the words.
"Yeah, it's been kind of great."
"I should go back to my room."
"I don't want you to," he said and I shrugged.
"I know, me neither. But it will be too hard tomorrow so I'd rather do it now so we both get closure."
"I don't want closure," he said and I shook my head.
"And I don't want it left wide open so that this can keep happening, it will become too painful and one day it might even break my heart. I'd rather just say goodbye now while I can, while we're still friends."
"Friends huh," he said and I nodded.
"I think we can say that right? That we're friends?"
"Not just friends Marley but we can call it that. And maybe I'm not ready to say goodbye but I will. Taehyungie and Jimin hyung are waiting for me, they knew I would want to hang out after we've talked."
"I'm glad you have such good friends Jungkook, that you take care of each other."
"They're the best," he said and pulled me in tightly again. "Marley, I'll miss you."
"If there is a way, I'd climb into your suitcase and go home with you," I joked, choking on the tears coating the back of my throat.
"I'd like that, you'd like Korea."
"Maybe I'll visit Seoul one day."
"But no promises," he said, pressing a few perfect, gentle kisses on my lips.
"No, I won't make any promises and neither will you." If he said he'd see my again one day, I'd hold onto that and it would ruin any future relationships. Because I'd sampled something pretty spectacular with Jungkook and I didn't want to consider what it might mean if we gave into 'some day' and 'next times.' Slowly dressing amongst sweet looks and sad eyes, I walked over to the door, Jungkook trailing close behind, still holding my hand.
"Hey Kook," I said and he hummed as I leaned my head against his suite door, preparing to open it.
"Mmmmhhhmmm?"
"I still think you're the best," and he grinned at me as I wiggled my fingers and closed the door behind me. My chest instantly tightened and I walked in a daze to the lifts, not even remembering if I'd seen anyone else as I arrived at the room I shared with Nicole. She was in bed when I opened the door, took one look at my face and flipped the bed covers back, jumping up to pull me into her arms.
"It's OK to cry Marley-ssi, this is a loss."
"It feels a lot like that actually," I said, sniffling as I wiped my eyes with my sleeves. He hadn't even left the country yet, I'd see him for a little tomorrow but a distance would be there between us out of necessity. I was at least grateful we'd had the chance to have a proper goodbye tonight.
"You know what though Marley? I have a feeling this won't be the end," and she gave me a mysterious smile as I dabbed at my eyes, reaching for a tissue off the bedside cabinet.
"What do you know that I don't know," I asked, taking a few deep breaths to calm myself down.
"Only that life has a way of working out the way it's meant to," she answered and I laughed. She was being cryptic and I had a feeling I'd be getting no more out of her on the subject. But somehow, her words brought me a little peace and calm. She was right. I might never get to spend time with Jungkook like that again but if it was meant to happen, it would. But I wouldn't hold onto that. He could return in a year, just for a few weeks again and some great guy might have been overlooked because I was so focused on someone unattainable.
"You know what, I think you're right," I said and I hugged her tightly.
"Oh, you smell like Jungkook," she said and then blushed a little, maybe jumping to the right but wrong conclusion.
"I did borrow his shower gel," I answered. "Does everyone know what he smells like," I asked, wondering if I was right in thinking everyone would know we'd been together as more than just friends.
"Yup, everyone. He's very particular about things like that. It's kind of cute that he smells like your scrub and you smell like his shower gel. They kind of compliment each other."
"I'm not sure that makes me feel better," I sighed and she smiled again.
"Just have some trust, for a little bit longer. Maybe about 6 months," she said and I had no idea what that could possibly mean but was grateful she had thrown my some sort of lifeline. "Date people, enjoy your life, do what is right for you but I think things will change again in six months."
"You really know how to give me hope and no information eonni," I said and she laughed.
"Nothing that is good is ever truly straight forward Marley-ssi," and I fell back on the bed, thinking of the good that is Jungkook and the fact it definitely hadn't been straight forward with him.
"But it is good. So, so good," I said dreamily and she cracked up laughing.
"I have no doubt about that," she said, climbing back under her covers. "Will you be OK if I go to sleep now? We can still talk if you'd like?"
"No, it's OK. I'll be OK," I answered, surprised to feel I was actually telling the truth. If this thing with Jungkook was done, we'd packed a lot of memories of us into a small amount of time and I'd live on those for as long as it took to get over it. Turning off my own side light, I slipped into my Pj's and climbed into bed. And if, a few floors above us, a man was lying on top of his bed, talking to his friends over a drink and wishing that things could be different, I'd never know because my eyes were closing on this moment in time and I didn't think I had any regrets, living in each moment as it had happened.
Jungkook
I was pouting, lying back in my first class seat as we soared above the ocean towards home. I'd seen her eyes on mine a lot in the hours before we separated that morning, sitting in separate parts of the plane for our domestic flight. Watching her from the distance we'd created to keep the illusion of friendship or work colleagues, I'd wanted to kiss her in front of everyone just to let everybody know that she had been mine for at least a little while. But for her sake, I didn't. She was working for us after all and if I'd done that, I'd be closing a door on any future possibilities of that ever happening again. And I knew I was just making it harder to think of any future where there was an 'us'. The gift we could give each other was to let it all go. If it's meant to happen it would come back to us and other such cliches. It made me annoyed to think of it, to reduce what we'd had to just a chunk of memories I'd look back on over the years no matter how fond those memories might be.
"Jungkook," Namjoon said, standing above me and I opened my eyes to look at him.
"How do you feel about the songs I sent through for you?"
"I haven't listened to them yet hyung," I said and he nodded.
"I thought so but now, maybe you'll want to."
"Why now," I asked, sitting up in my chair and grabbing my phone to scroll through to them.
"Oh I don't know, maybe I just feel like you'll connect with them more that you would've a few weeks ago."
"OK hyung, I'll listen to them on the way home. Are we recording soon?"
"We have those two group songs we are recording next week but these were solos I thought would be good just for you."
I felt a ripple in my stomach at the thought of some music I might be able to put my all into. A distraction would definitely be appreciated right now. "Thank you Namjoon-ssi, I'll put them on now."
"I'll leave you to it Jungkookie," and he went to leave but leaned in a little before he did. "I'm sorry you had to say goodbye."
"I'll be OK hyung, I always am."
"Yeah, I think you will be Jungkookie, I really think you will be," and he walked away, tripping once on his way back to his seat, causing my lip to twitch into a smile for the first time that day.
I liked that he was positive about the fact I'd be OK, more so than I was feeling right now but I clicked on the links he'd sent, plugging in my ears as the first demo played for me, hoping I'd feel the connection to the music that he'd talked about.
Wrong time, wrong place
So close, need space
Mistakes, need grace
Feel lost in the pace
Distance blurs face
Too far to embrace
But hearts start to race
Fingers reach to lace
So close, no space
Your lines, I trace
Your touch, so safe
Right time, right place
And I smiled, because this was something I could definitely hear myself singing, lightening a little at the thought of putting my own experiences into a song, grateful to my hyung for seeing what I knew to be true. She was a safe place. Hoping one day there would actually be a right time and place for us both.
A/n - so that's it for book two. I've clearly left it open, having decided it would be a trilogy so sometime in 2024 I'll write the 3rd book, Senses, and it would be done. It's just a short story, a bit of angst, a tinge of spice and hopefully you enjoyed it!
