A/N: So, my five year old son told me this joke today, and his super excited reaction to be able to tell it, compared to my 11 year old daughter's brutal reaction to it (she is so much like Walter it kills me), inspired this plotless fluff. It reminded me so much of Walter and Paige in the best way. There's literally no plot. The entire story was written just so I could include this joke.
Walter was neck deep in... something... on his computer, again, Ralph entirely too engrossed in his text book, again, and she was just there... sitting on the sofa, bored, again, desperate for their attention, going stir crazy.
Walter coming into their lives, getting married, him officially moving in with them, had brought some challenges, as any relationship would, but mostly it had brought efficiency and an extra set of hands. As such, her Saturdays were no longer a deep clean the condo day, and catch up on frivolous tasks. Walter was the most skilled cleaner she'd ever met. She hadn't had a dish left in the sink, or a load of laundry have to be recycled because she forgot to switch it over in over a year. Errands were completed as soon as they came up for the most part. They shared the responsibilities of running the household so effortlessly. She would cook, and he would come behind her and clean up as she did, always conversing about something, just enjoying the time together in the kitchen. Though the occasional distraction and kitchen makeout session had been known to slow the efficiency just a bit. Walter and Ralph would do the dishes after they ate every night while she did a load of laundry or swept the floor, or packed lunches. Every cabinet and closet in their condo had been organized to work with maximum efficiency in mind. Every single night, without fail, she'd go to bed knowing everything was clean and orderly for the next morning.
It had been so refreshing. And very surprising. Having a teenaged son, and having cohabitated with men before, and knowing Walter had never done so with anyone, she had been a little apprehensive about what moving in together would bring, worried about towels on the floor and the toilet seat being gross, expected to do it all. But none of that happened. Ever. In fact, Walter had actually immediately harped on Ralph to be doing his part after the first time he had found Ralph's bathroom in a state of disarray and filth like any teenaged boy - genius or not -, and subsequently, when he was asked to clean up his room, and he brought a stack of dishes to the sink, leaving them for Paige to wash. He had been respectful, but stern in telling Ralph that he needed to 'respect the home his mother worked hard to provide for him', that 'a man doesnt expect his mother, his wife, or anyone to clean up after him' and how 'your mother works hard, she doesn't need to be your maid'. He then went into a science lecture about proper hygiene. Which that part had seemed more Walter, but the first part had been so bizarre, and foreign to her. She had never had anyone demand respect for her like that before. That was the night that Ralph had started helping with the dishes every night, even going as far as to apologize for not doing his part in the home they shared, and that if she would cook, he would do the dishes. When she had gotten out of the shower, she had overheard Ralph asking Walter if he could show him how to properly vacuum, and then listened as Walter gave him a step by step tutorial, explaining how to overlap the lines, and for best cleanliness, to go across the floor in both directions. She realized then that she had coddled Ralph quite a bit, doing everything for him, that even with a 200 IQ, the kid had never learned to vacuum, but, also, that Ralph finally had a father figure to not only teach him basic tasks like vacuuming, but also show him the importance of respecting your home and your family, showing him what real love and partnership looks like. She knew when Ralph found love someday, that he would do what he had done since he was nine years old - he would emulate Walter. And if that were the case, he would be kind, loving, protective and respectful to whomever held his heart. She had never told Walter, but that was the greatest gift he had given her.
And having a clean house all the time was a solid bonus.
She loved it. She hadn't ever really thought about how much stress she had carried maintaining their home and raising a child alone until she had someone to share the burden with, and felt her shoulders relax.
And for the most part, it had been great. She had so much more free time now to do things she enjoyed because she wasn't preoccupied with stupid tasks, things she hadn't had time for.
But then, there were days like today. Where she had gone searching for something to clean, purge, organize and there was nothing. They were too efficient. She had done all of the puzzles, had crocheted a blanket. Had finished the book she was reading. And her nerds were doing nerd things.
And she was bored.
"Do you guys want to get out of here? Go do something? Anything?" It was probably the fourth or fifth time she had asked.
"I'm okay here." Ralph commented, not evening looking up from her book.
"I'm fine." She was sure Walter didn't even register that she had spoken, let alone that he responded.
"...okay." She sighed, flipping on the tv, obnoxiously scanning through channels. She felt like she was going to crawl out of her own skin. "Okay. It's just such a nice day out." She landed on some animal documentary with David Attenboro narrating. She loved his voice. But she couldn't focus on the show, flipped the channel again. She wanted to see live, happy animals, not them being eaten by their predators while the most soothing British accent narrated it to sound beautiful.
She had dusted three times, vacuumed twice, and fluffed all of the sofa cushions, but got up and grabbed the windex, starting to wipe the windows, which were perfectly clean. Walter chuckled and looked up over his laptop at her, smirking. Walter knew she really wanted to get out of the house, having learned shortly after 'maximizing efficiency' that she was only ever annoying like this when she was stir crazy. He used his foot from where he sat in the arm chair, to gently nudge Ralph who was seated on the floor a couple feet away at the coffee table.
"Hey Ralph, why don't we take her out for the day? Go do something fun outside? I think she may be doing it again." She heard Walter suggest quietly to Ralph and smiled. Oh how she loved that man. He was so attentive and sweet with her.
"Oh thank God, I was waiting for you to say something. I didn't want to say anything and upset her, or interrupt you. But she's driving me crazy." Oh how she loved her son, but he was less sweet.
"Paige, my sweet. How about we take a break from this stuff and go out for a bit? Perhaps the zoo? We haven't done that in a while, and I read that their koala exhibit has new joeys. You love the baby animals." If Ralph weren't right there, she would have jumped in Walter's lap and kissed him senseless. Jailbreak.
"Well, I mean, if you guys want to, I guess that would be fun." She always tried to play it cool, but she knew Walter saw right through her. Ralph laughed at her pathetic attempt, before taking his stack of books to his room.
Walter stood, closing his laptop and gave her a kiss, soft, loving, pulling the trash and spray bottle from her hands to put down on the table, kissing her once more. Even being together for a several years, his kisses still made her feel weak in the knees.
"Very convincing. You're getting much better at it. You are very close to a nomination." She smiled against his lips and chuckled. He always teased her for her sad attempts at not sounding desperate or eager, and she had told me she was going for an Oscar performance. Which she had to explain to him of course.
"Yeah? Thank you. I'm sorry, I'm just so bored. And your exciting genius stuff is really, really mind-numbingly boring to me." She tried so hard with them, to meet them at their level, and most days she was successful at being engaged in what they were working on or learning about, always asking questions and trying her best to understand. But when Ralph was just studying and Walter was coding, there was absolutely nothing that would make it interesting. The computer or text book could literally catch fire and she would still find it to be a snooze fest. And they had been working on it all week long. Every night this week had been the same scene, and she was starved for attention and stimulation. Ralph could ace his exam in his sleep, and Walter could code with his eyes closed. They weren't doing it because they needed to, it was just enjoyable for them.
"I know. You've been putting up with our mind-numbingly boring genius stuff all week, it's only fair. Let's go, we can go do normal things for a few hours for you." She would take whatever she could get. She would be grateful just to have a few minutes where Walter looked at her the way he looked at his computer. She respected his work, probably more than anyone could, but she had missed him this week. When he went full work mode into a project, she was lucky to get him to take breaks to eat, nevermind be affectionate. It had been at least a week since he came to bed with her, and she mused him terribly. Just hugging him now felt like it had been forever.
"Thank you. I love you." She kissed his chest as she clung to him a bit longer, feeling that skin crawling feeling dissipate in his arms. He had such a calming effect on her.
"Love you, too. I'm sorry, I know I haven't been the best husband this week. I appreciate you being patient with me." It still amazed her how far Walter had come from the first days she met him, he didn't always recognize in the moment, but eventually he caught on to how his behavior effected others, especially her. He had become very self-aware in that regard, abs was always quick to try and correct it.
"Well, perhaps my wonderful husband could come to bed with me tonight? I've missed you." She whispered at his lips suggestively, before letting hers graze his.
"I think that can be arranged, yes." The feel of his hands on her back, and how they trailed down over her butt, pulling her in closer to him... Now she was a different kind of stir crazy.
"I'm ready." Ralph announced coming back into the living room, and she once again smiled against Walter's lips.
"Me too." She muttered, and they both knew she was not talking about the zoo, but pulled away anyway. That other store crazy would have to wait until tonight.
"Alright, let's go see some koalas before your mother starts mopping the ceilings." Walter joked, as he grabbed his keys from the bowl right by the door.
"Hey, do you guys know why koala bears aren't considered bears?" She was so excited to ask, she was bouncing on her feet.
"Because they're marsupials." Both geniuses said in unisen, point blank, plain as day. Just the facts.
"What? No. You guys! Because they don't have the right koala-fications." She laughed, but they both just stared at her with pity, unimpressed by the joke she had learned weeks ago and had been waiting for just the right time to drop. They ruined everything. "You know, I hate being surrounded by geniuses sometimes." She petulantly grabbed her purse, and walked out the door as her boys chuckled at her expense.
"How many animal jokes do you think she'll drop today?" Ralph asked with a laugh.
"Too many. But if you don't want her to be washing your clothes with you still in them later, just, uh, laugh at them, son. All of them." He patted Ralph on the shoulder, and with a shake of his head, they both exited, closing the door behind him.