My darling,

I made a promise to myself that if I found myself in a similar situation of being pushed away again, I wouldn't want to endure the distress it brings. As this separation is occurring once more, I want you to know that I forgive you. I understand that what happened was a defense mechanism triggered by your own pain. Although it's not an ideal situation, I genuinely hope you heal and that such incidents never happen again.

Regarding our conversation in Paris, when you mentioned that if I couldn't accept you as a monster, I should leave immediately, I made the choice to stay. However, this time I've decided to let go of the hope that we can resolve our issues. I want to explain my reasons behind this decision, as saying goodbye to you is incredibly difficult for me.

The last time I reached out to you with the intention of finding common ground, I did so because I trusted you. We used to share everything, and you were the one person I felt truly comfortable being myself with, even when we were physically apart. However, the incident involving the table being hit shattered my sense of safety, despite my rational belief that you wouldn't intentionally harm me.

That moment marked a threshold that can never be undone or forgotten. I've come to realize that I can no longer ignore the impact it had on me. It has made me question how I could overlook such an act of violence when, in the past, I've experienced similar situations but failed to recognize them for what they truly were.

Having finally processed everything and seen you as separate from the comfort I once felt, I now understand that I cannot forget what happened. However, I genuinely forgive you, and I wish for your happiness. I want you to know that I don't blame you for any of it. It would be easier if I could see you as hateful, but I never have and still cannot, though I can't deny a sense of relief knowing that we are no longer in contact.

That feeling stays with me till this day. My nervous system kicks into defense mode everytime i think of reaching out to you. I am extremely conflicted on the matter, but please, please, do know that I deeply miss you. But I have to heal from this. I am trying but I am not ready yet. I am sorry, I am so sorry. I wish things were different.

Nonetheless, know that I do and always will love you.

Always,

Belle