How much of Rennala was left?
She knew it. She knew it in her bones, and she saw it in the stars. This wasn't the start of her fall. This was when her bruised body finally snapped the last branch which could keep her from hitting the bottom. She almost couldn't remember the person she'd been before all of this. This far down the hole, she could no longer make out a glimmer of light.
Fitting that the old statue of the Nox high priestess was there to look down on her. She lay on the old stone floor of the Church of Vows. Already, this place which had once been her saving grace was falling to disrepair. She slammed a fist down on a few blades of grass growing between the stones as if that would reverse the decay.
She wept and shuddered and screamed as snot spilled over the floor like the Ainsel River below. It was unsightly. A queen once considered so eloquent could find no words to describe her grief.
The Church's pastor – Miriel, ever-faithful Miriel – watched in silence.
Rennala beat the stone until she broke a finger and then screamed all the harder. Not because of the pain but because she was so incompetent that she couldn't even throw a tantrum right.
After maybe thirty minutes, she was exhausted and curled into a sobbing heap. She was an empty vessel. Maybe a better sorcerer would bestow her body with a worthy soul.
At last, the old pastor spoke: "Lady Rennala," he said ever so softly. "Is there… anything you wish for me to do? If not, then I will remain with you for as long as you require."
Time ticked past. An hour or more. The queen shivered and huddled while Miriel watched the sky in silent contemplation. The stars were beginning to come out, but there would be no moon tonight.
"It's…" Rennala said quietly. Her voice almost wasn't strong enough to pass her lips. "It's not fair. I, I did everything right. I didn't want this… to be queen. To lead that academy full of dullstones who fear my magic. I hate it. I hate them."
Her throat constricted as she tried to scream again, and the pathetic sound which came was more like a boiling teapot.
"ᶠᵘᶜᵏ"
She coughed into her sleeve and wiped away a trail of snot.
"I should have abdicated and absconded. I should have just let Radagon take Liurnia. Then I wouldn't have been around to make the mistake of trusting him."
She swallowed.
"How could he do it, Miriel? How could he break his vow? Even if… even if he couldn't love me anymore… why didn't he stay? What did I do wrong?"
The Pastor of Vows lamented the assurances he had given her so long ago. And that he had no soft hand to hold her when she needed someone. Alas, he was of ageless stone flesh, and this was not the first shattered vow he had seen. He nodded his head slowly.
"I cannot judge what I do not know. Alas, the intentions of others can be impossible to learn. All we do is to hold faith in a common goodness and devote ourselves to keeping true."
Rennala made a sound that might have been chuckling or sobbing.
"The only common is leaving, Mirel. My children… they… they left with their father. How could they not? To be children of the Elden Lord– of Marika! Why should they want to call a washed-up sorcerer their mother in this age when that accursed tree dictates all things? An age of blind faith? Even… even my Ranni would see the logic in being on the winning side."
"Lady Rennala, if I may speak for another, your children love you–"
"Like Radagon loved me?! It's over, Miriel. It's all over. Everyone got what they wanted from the last Carian Queen."
"That is unfair to them. They are adults and understand their actions have political consequence. It is true that the era of two great Houses has ended, and Caria will pass into history. Thus, it is all the more important that they are not seen as rebels… especially for Lady Ranni, who is both the Carian Heiress and now the foremost of Marika's daughters."
Rennala sniffled.
"I do hope they stay safe."
"I shall pray for that with you. And while they are away, perhaps you should turn to livelier matters. I have heard many doubts from you, about your own strength and your place in the world. Know this: Leyndell has no institution of scholarship like unto the Great Academy of Raya Lucaria. Through your reign and governorship of the Academy, you have enlightened countless souls. You may not be the warrior-queen Marika is, but would you wish her wars upon your students?
You chose the path of peace. The nobility may despise you for that, but is detachment not the way of the scholar? You have saved young lives and given them the tools to find their own fates in the stars. To make such a decision in spite of the consequences… is another form of strength.
Perhaps in time, they will think of you as their second mother, as your children now turn to Marika."