Chapter 9
Potter was helping Severus bottle the healing potions for the Hogwarts infirmary that day.
They both worked in silence, packing, labelling and numbering the vials while Severus marked off on a list. He'd put it off long enough - between handling things for Dumbledore and bringing Harry Potter - he had to get this done and soon.
Severus was observing the boy diligently working, so at ease with recognising half the potions they were dealing with, labelling them right confidently, he also remembered the law - Lindoff's Axioms on Healing Potions - the boy half recited on the day he was brought here.
The amount of time he spent in the hospital wing every year might in some way contribute to him recognising a few of the potions they were handling, since they hadn't dealt with these in class yet. But there was no way Madam Pomfrey would be giving impromptu lectures on Potions Laws to her patients.
"You want to know something about me," Potter stated, without even looking up from the phials of Invigoration Draught he was labelling, breaking Severus' line of thoughts.
"You recognise few of the potions by looking at them, and I know that laws on healing potions you recited the other day haven't been a part of your syllabus so far," he started, going back to the single dose vials of Pepper Ups he was boxing.
"Um, yes?" he started, curiously. "I did tell you I don't hate Potions, right? Why is it so hard for you to believe that?"
Severus was quiet for a minute, "Just wondering," he finally said.
"Oh yeah, I forgot you do that a lot," the boy snickered.
"Cheeky brat," Severus concurred. The child let out a slow chuckle hearing that.
"You don't spend that much time with Hermione without picking up on stuff like that. Some of the books she brings back from the library are sort of interesting, I think," he said with a little more seriousness.
"Miss Granger, I understand. You willingly read Potions texts from the library?" he couldn't keep the surprise and shock away from his voice which made the boy laugh.
"Nope, she forces me at gunpoint," Potter deadpanned after a moment. "I don't always read everything she brings, though," he added as an afterthought.
"I'd be very surprised if you did."
"Aren't you supposed to be more encouraging to your students, Professor?" he asked, narrowing his eyes.
"You could get used to reading more of those books."
Potter snorted at that, "You really need to work on it more if that's your idea of encouraging students," he said, rolling his eyes.
What was wrong with that ?
"I do concede you might not be as dreadful with Potions as I assumed," Severus offered his acknowledgement, furrowing his brows.
"You say that like it's causing you physical pain, but considering it's me you're talking about, maybe it is," the boy huffed in annoyance.
Severus decided to let that remark slide and continued, "Although, this does not explain your less than satisfactory performance, even if you do hate my class. Why is that?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.
"It's not easy to concentrate when you're stalking around finding mistakes to take points, sir," he whispered so fast that if Severus hadn't been right next to the child, he wouldn't have caught it.
Severus furrowed his brows, "Learning to work under pressure is important, even if it's just the classroom."
Potter turned to stare at him, making Severus wonder what he was trying to get at. "You seriously believe that, don't you?" Potter asked incredulously after a long minute.
"It doesn't seem to hinder Miss Granger's potions." Why did he feel defensive?
"Yeah well, she isn't the one you hate. Besides, she's Hermione, she'll work with the devil as a teacher and not bat an eyelid."
"I don't hate you, Potter." The words tumbled out of him before he could think, it sounded strange when Severus heard them out loud and had him thinking about James Potter, the teen he'd never forgiven for the years of torment.
Severus tabled that thought for later when he heard "Could've fooled me," from the boy next to him. It was mumbled low, but it struck something.
"I might have deserved that." Severus muttered, sighing. He did not know how to explain things to this child without giving away his position. Why does that feel like an excuse? Severus was questioning himself more and more ever since the boy had come here.
"I'm sorry, sir. You've been really nice to me so far. That wasn't a fair thing to say," the boy said quietly, going back to the vials.
Hearing this prickled at Severus for a myriad of reasons. "Life isn't fair, Mr. Potter. I assumed you, of all people, knew that."
"Yep, life isn't fair," Potter breathed as he finished with the Invigoration Draught and marked it off on the list.
"I apologise for the way I've treated you in class. I did have my reasons, while they seemed entirely plausible at the time, would sound more like weak excuses now. I do hope you can forgive me," said Severus, wanting to get that out in the open. It felt good. Forgive me, Lily. Potter finally put down the vials and turned to stare at him, not saying anything. "You don't have to accept it," he went on, marking Pepper Up off Pomfrey's list.
"It's not that," the child said a little too quickly.
Severus interrupted him before he could continue, "Give it some thought," he said quietly to which the boy nodded slowly. They both worked in silence after that, each lost in their own thoughts.
"And don't you think you got away with calling me the devil, Potter," Severus called out once they were done.
"I didn't call you the devil," Potter laughed, walking to the door.
Severus sent the boy off to wash up as he loaded all of the boxed potions into a two way cabinet he had designed himself for the cause and incanted a spell that would transport it to a similar one in his office at Hogwarts before he trekked upstairs so he too could clean up before making lunch.
They had to spend another two days in the lab, sorting through storage closets - both here at home and then flooing to the dungeons at Hogwarts, where Potter complained tirelessly about Severus not letting him fly around the Quidditch pitch - making an inventory of ingredients Severus had to stock up on when they went to Diagon Alley. It was almost past dinner time both days before they were finally done.
--
Severus had a faculty meeting - which he absolutely hated - to attend the next day. It mostly consisted of discussions about lesson plans that were far too boring and frankly unnecessary as it was almost already covered in the meeting at the beginning of the summer. They would also be introduced to the new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. He was growing weary of this, having to keep an eye on all these clearly under-qualified people who made his life more complicated than it needed to be.
There was also the issue of Sirius Black, who was yet to be found. Severus had parents who were pelting him with owls everyday questioning about if and what measures were being taken for the students' safety. All he could do was reassure them that the wards would not allow entrance to anyone who wished harm on any of the students. It didn't help his nerves that Black had broken out of Azkaban just to go after Harry Potter - whom Severus had vowed to protect.
He walked out of his basement office wondering about what Dumbledore had decided on as extra for the school's protection. That most probably was on the agenda for the meeting the next day.
Severus had been keeping a closer eye on how much - or how little, rather - the boy ate. It hurt to see how Potter so starkly reminded Severus of himself at that age, making him hate himself for not noticing. Surely, he should have known what signs to look for - having been a Head of House for a decade, and dealt with it a few times, besides he did know what it felt like to be on the receiving end of things, too. He just had to look closely, which Severus finally admitted to himself, was prevented so easily blinded by his hatred for any child of James Potter - which was yet to be addressed, if at all.
Potter was at the window in the sitting room, staring out at the pouring rain with a blank expression on his face when Severus came to call him for dinner.
More often than not nowadays, Severus found him poring over the text on Spell Creation while furiously scribbling away on a roll of parchment, cursing faintly at the quill - which Severus steadfastly pretended not to hear, he thought it was quite funny how riled up the boy got while writing something. Severus was curious - though he wouldn't admit it to anyone - about what Potter would come up with. It was the book his own mother had got Severus when he was around 12 or 13 himself. Although containing precious knowledge, the book didn't have many copies circulating, making it a valuable addition to his collection.
Potter carried the book everywhere, all the time, including the dinner table sometimes, which was why today was surprising.
Today though, he hadn't picked up either book or parchment, spent all his time staring into space distractedly. He had actually slept in, instead of greeting Severus in the sitting room like every morning, for the first time since coming here and Severus had to threaten him with lines to get him out of bed for breakfast. Severus had blamed it on being tired after helping in the lab for three straight days breaking just for food, but now he realised that the boy hadn't even come into the kitchen to talk - which he normally did - when Severus was preparing their meals nor did he go for his customary walk to the park, when it was bright that morning. Something was clearly bothering him.
Severus tried to guess at what was going on with Potter all through dinner, which they ate in silence. Potter didn't so much as utter a peep - not even to call Severus out on trying to observe him, which Severus was doing in a blatantly obvious manner - didn't even look at Severus, stared out the window resolutely.
"Sit," said Severus, when Potter got up from the table after eating. He banished the plates to the sink, watching several emotions warring on the child's face before he plopped down on the chair, waiting for Severus to talk with a resigned expression on his face.
"Are you ill?" he asked.
"Uh, no? I'm fine," Potter answered, confusion clear in his face now.
"What's bothering you?" Severus asked gently but firmly.
"Nothing." The answer, so carefully nonchalant that meant there was something going on.
Merlin, preserve me! Having had years of experience dealing with teenagers, didn't do much to help Severus at the moment. Does this have to be so maddening?
"It doesn't seem like nothing. You've been quiet all day," he started, and Severus felt the air around them buzz with magical energy. Wrong statement.
"How's that wrong?" Potter challenged, clearly incensed. Severus thought back to the last few days, couldn't come up with anything that had happened to have the boy reacting like this.
Perhaps he didn't know how Potter reacted to things at all. Had something happened today? Perhaps he got a letter from one of his friends? No, that wasn't possible, Hedwig hadn't been out that long.
"I didn't say it was wrong. Something is clearly bothering you, I'm just trying to help," he held up his hands.
"Nothing's bothering me," Potter gritted out, trying hard to control himself while a crack filled the room.
"The cracking window tells a different story," he pointed to it calmly, not wanting to make the boy's temper worse. It didn't work that well - or at all, the cabinets started vibrating, he fished in his robes for a vial of Calming Draught or something, and found nothing.
"Don't," Potter hissed, "I know you're looking for a potion, just don't!" He got up from the chair and started pacing, breathing hard. The magical energy he felt around him receded, but only slightly.
Severus was quiet for a minute as the child tried in vain to get himself under control, "You keep on with this, you will exhaust yourself, just tell me what's going on?" he asked in a placating manner. "And sit down, Harry," he added a little more firmly, getting up to fill a glass with water and placing it on the table for the child.
He glared at Severus, but sat down all the same, gulped down half the glass of water before he put his head on the table, still breathing hard.
"Now, I want you to tell me exactly what happened that's got you so agitated," Severus tried, waiting until the child's breathing calmed down.
"Fine! I'm having a crisis!" Potter growled, not raising his head, and let out a long breath. "Just let me deal with it!" he added, a little tiredly.
"Talk to me about it and we can deal with whatever it is together," Severus started slowly, going for placating, now that it seemed to work.
"No!" So much for seeming to work.
Severus sighed, rubbing his forehead. He could feel himself getting angry. It wouldn't do if the both of them lost their calm and started yelling at each other. He had to do something.
"Lily, had the worst temper of anyone I knew," he started, knowing that listening to things about Lily always made the boy happy, "and she never could manage it."
Severus had told him a little more about his mother in the last few days. It was the unfairness of Petunia denying the child something so simple that had made the decision. But no matter how much Severus willed himself, he found his throat closing as the guilt he so skillfully packed away behind shields seeped its way back onto the surface everytime he looked at the eyes that were very much Lily's.
"Much like yourself at the moment," Potter sat up, relaxing slowly while listening to Severus attentively. Finally, something works. "You never know what might set her off, one minute she's laughing along, the next she's got her wand out, about to hex you black and blue.
"She once got mad and turned her sister's walls brown - accidentally, of course - it took ten days to paint over them because the paint kept vanishing every time we got it completely done - turning all the walls brown again. Only after she'd forgiven whatever 'crime' it was that her sister committed did the paint stay on. It was the summer after our third year."
Potter gave a slow chuckle, the magical buzz around them receded entirely. "That explains why she hates magic. You painted Aunt Petunia's walls?"
Severus nodded, "Mr Evans and I did." He hadn't thought about that in years.
"Oh," the boy was quiet as he thought that over, "Were they nice people? My grandparents?"
"Yes. They were the nicest people I knew," Severus affirmed. "You want to tell me what's going on?" he asked now that Potter had calmed down.
"You apologised," he muttered, turning to stare out the window again. How was that the problem?
"Yes, and?"
"I don't know! You've been so cruel to me for as long as I've known you. Why are you being nice now?"
"You do understand that us being at each other's throats every minute while staying in such close quarters is not prudent?"
"So you're saying, you'll go back to hating me once we're back in school?" the boy asked, losing control again.
Okay, this was absolutely confusing. Perhaps Severus could ask Minerva for help? She always knew the right things to say.
"I said no such thing," he let out an exasperated sigh. "Why would I do that?"
"I don't know! It's you!" That stings. "I don't know what to expect from you!
" That is the problem, here? I did tell you we could work on getting along at school once term starts, didn't I? I meant it when I said that," Severus countered, "will you please calm down?"
"Calm down? You want me to calm down? Seriously?"
Was that the wrong thing to say?
"You didn't tell me you were friends with mum! For two years! All the while I didn't know anything about her!" Potter yelled, starting to pace again.
"You're issue is me not revealing my childhood friendship with your mother?" he asked, perplexed. What is going on?
"That's not the issue, I hadn't done anything to you when you decided to hate me! I hadn't even met you properly! You hated me! You can't just flip sides like that!" he screamed, still pacing, and that was that, all the cabinets and windows shattered with force, littering the kitchen with glass.
"Oh, for Merlin's sake! Sit down, will you?" Severus waited until the boy sat, defeated. He slowly moved to check the boy's hands and arms for cuts and scrapes, healing them. "Are you hurt anywhere else?"
Potter shook his head, he seemed to have lost all his fire from a minute ago. "I'm sorry," he started, sounding hoarse, "your kitc-"
"That can be restored with little effort, don't worry about it. Wait here," Severus went down to his lab and picked out vials of a strong Restorative Draught, a Sleeping Aid and Calming Draught.
"I shouldn't like staying here," Potter whispered, more to himself than Severus when he came back to the kitchen. The child was lying on the table again, exhausted.
Severus supported him upstairs, careful about the broken glass around them, and into bed, sat down on the chair next to the desk waiting for Potter to finish the Potions. He took off the boy's glasses and placed them on the bedside table as he fell asleep.
"This is uncharted waters for me too, you know. I don't know how to deal with this either," he said softly, brushing away the child's fringe.
A/N:
Okay, this was a confusing chapter to write!
Anyone else feel like it's going too fast and too slow at the same time? Or is it just me?
Am I even making sense with the question?