Reliving the conversation we had, grants me the first dreamless hours of sleep I had in months. Of course, this afternoon's visit gave me other kinds of anxiety (and hope, to be honest).
The 2 am marked on the clock confirms that I managed to put in almost 6 hours' worth of much needed sleep and leaves me hoping this could start to be the rule and not an exception, but I know better.
Hopping into the shower I start to plan my day – it's a Saturday, meaning most of the district will be sleeping in, except for mine workers, merchants with open stores and of course Katniss, which will likely be waking up with the sun and beelining to the meadow for some ill-advised shopping. My family will also be waking up shortly to start the ovens and the day bake.
On a normal day, we would make close to half a ton of bread (different kinds), two or three cakes and two or three dozen cookies depending on the orders. On weekends, that number almost always doubled. People – merchants, at least the ones that could allow themselves not to work on weekends, peacekeepers and city council employees had the habit of walking around the neighborhood, stop by the bakery to eat and take something, mostly a loaf or two of bread, with them home.
From what dad tells me, their business grew lately, and particularly on the weekends has increased. This is due to my recent celebrity status and by osmosis, the bakery as I mentioned it (publicized, some would say) to Caesar during the games has become somewhat well known. The extra coins that have come in, make up for my mother's growing good humor. Although not even the fact that's she's profiting from my almost demise, has made me more welcome back into the family business. I'm still not allowed into the store (at least not when she's around), and when any costumer asks about me, she usually apologetically explains that I am busy representing the district or on capitol assignments and "simply can't go back to the family business". She always offers to pass on theirs respects the next time we're together, seeing as "although I'm now a busy man, I continue to have time for the traditional sunday luncheon with family". It makes me sick that even thousands of miles away from the capitol, I'm still being surrounded by lies and pretenses.
The hot water on my injured wrist, brings me back to reality and reminds me of the slash that is now adorning my arm. I was planning on visiting the Everdeen household as an excuse, but the unhealthy look of it makes it more of a necessity. Still, I refuse to go empty ended and, stepping out of the shower and into a fresh pair of clothes and shoes, I head down to the kitchen to start the day's bakes.
I usually bake 10 – 20 loafs of bread every day, which I then distribute through the Seam on my daily walks. Today will be no different. I carefully measure the ingredients, mix them, and start tending the dough with the same precision and discipline as always.
Leaving the soon to be loafs to rise, I start on a small batch of cookies I intend to offer Prim. Ever since I realized what a fan of my cookies and their decorations Prim was, how happy she looked every time she saw the on our window display, when she would come every weekend with Katniss on their walks, I started to put in more effort and think of new drawings, just to provide her with this small pleasure.
The cookies go into the oven, with the first loafs as the sun rises. I pour in a cup of coffee, one of the few actual privileges of my connection to the capitol I adopted and butter a slice of yesterday's bread I saved for myself.
When I'm satisfied with their color, the loafs and cookies come out, and I leave the latter to dry. I take two loafs, roll them in kitchen towels, pour a second cup of coffee and head over to my neighbor's house.
Haymitch's house seats quiet and dark, as if it didn't yet understand that the sun has come up and a new day has started.
I find him inside, seated at his table, face down on an empty plate, surrounded by a group of 4 half empty bottles of a clear alcoholic liquid. I paint, he drinks, so far, I'm not sure who has the best coping mechanism. Placing the coffee cup and bread down, I start to clean up the table. Wash the empty dishes and turn the 4 into two full bottles, which I store on the cupboard. The empty bottles I leave on the counter, for Haymitch to take back for refill.
He comes to either by the smell of fresh coffee or the noise I was making with the cleaning (probably more the second as I can't quietly do anything!), the alarm on his face goes away when he spots me, the coffee and bread and his hand stops halfway through making its way to the knife.
"Hey kid, what time is it?"
"Not long after 7. I brought breakfast" Taking the butter out of the fridge, I take his knife, cut the loaf and place two slices, butter and the coffee in front of him. "Eat up"
"Thanks kid, you're a define improvement to the neighborhood. How are you adapting?" he sips his coffee nodding approvingly.
"Not easily, one day at a time. But the amenities certainly help" It's better to wake up from a nightmare with a hot shower rather than a cold one, I shrug.
"It won't get any easier with time. Anyone that tells you that is lying. Just try to be careful with your illegitimate adventures." So, he knows about the bread. How or who told him I don't know. He rarely leaves the house, unless it is to buy liquor, even for supplies and bits of food he has a deal worked out with Sae. It must have been through her, no other option and she knows because… well because she knows everything, talks little, hears a lot. As any other shopkeeper, frankly. Be it as it may, I don't intend to stop, I'm not doing anything wrong, if anything I'm getting rid of some of this guilt, I feel for having what I don't deserve. And if Haymitch can drink and nothing comes because of it, I think I'm allowed this little transgression as well, I reason.
Guessing the way my thoughts were going, he adds "The thing is, there's no one left that I love, they've got no leverage over me, no way to hurt me anymore. And even then, still, every year, they get me to watch the kids die… Point is they'll always get to you, the more you love, the more you'll have to lose. Just think about it… And at least be more careful." I was never mistaken on what "winning" the games really meant, but will they go so far as to punish my loved ones for this simple gesture of goodwill? It's just bread for God's sake, I know I shouldn't dismiss Haymitch, but to what degree has he been affected by the Capitol, is he starting to paint them worse than they actually are? Is that even possible?
I ponder over Haymitch's last advice on the short walk back to my house. Hoping they'll have much better things to control over, I put in the last of the loafs in the oven and start on decorating the cookies. I've decided to go forward with distributing the rest of the breads, I'll be more careful, distribute them while no one's watching and hopefully I'll be able to do some good without any consequences for the people I care about.
Cookies and loafs packed and hidden in a backpack, I leave my house and head to the Seam. Carefully evaluating my targets, I choose and place two loafs in a way they're visible for the family opening the door but concealed to everyone else from the outside. I hope this very small gesture makes these 5 family's day a little bit better. At least I guaranteed them some quality(ish) food.
I reach the Everdeen household a little after 9 am and am suddenly afraid miss Everdeen and Prim are still sleeping.
My worries are unfounded though, as after the first knock on the door, I hear hurried steps and the door is quickly opened by a very awake and impeccably composed Prim.
"Peeta!" Surprise washes all over her face. Not only am I probably the last person she thought she would encounter on the other side of the door, by the way she rushed, she probably thought it was someone hurt and in need. In that sense, she's spot on right.
"Come in, come in" Still rushed, she pulls herself back together and moves away so I can enter.
"I'm sorry to come in like this, unannounced, I really hope I'm not troubling you" I follow her the three steps that separate the front door from the kitchen table and am suddenly very aware of the fact that I've never been to Katniss' home.
I seat down on one of the four available benches around the small worn-out wooden table, I assume the use for meals and treat the wounded that come up to them and look around. The whole house could probably fit inside my leaving room at Victor's Village, the table where I'm seated faces the front door on one side and a small kitchen on the other. The hearth, that is already lit and doing it's best to heat up the house, separates the kitchen from the spent two-seater green sofa and state of the art capitol tv, provided by them and mandatory in every house. A hand made patchwork rug seats between the sofa and the tv, a well accomplished attempt to cheer up the place. The same thought and care are present all throughout the house in details: little flowers here and there, colorful trinkets collected no doubt from what someone else thought as junk. The air smells of herbs, flowers, and pinecones - it smells like Katniss… Altogether, this small, mismatched house has more warmth and love than mine ever had and for the first time in very long I feel safe and comfortable.
"She's not here…" Prim's voice brings me back to the present, and I realize that I've been quiet and very rudely looking around for some time now.
"What?" I feel the heat rising to my cheeks as I understand the meaning of her comment. "Katniss is out, we don't expect her to be back for some time yet, she took her jacket. Would you care for some tea?" She points to the place where the jacket must usually be, which in turn must be her way to say she's out hunting. I already knew that and was counting on it, to be honest. It would make my coming here to ask for help much easier.
"I ah…" I start to lift my hand so I can scratch my head and remember why I came here in the first place. "I cut myself and ah… if it's not too much trouble and if she's available, I would appreciate if Mrs. Everdeen could take a look at it." When she sees my arm, the little girl seated in front of me, in a pristinely maintained plain grey dress and beautiful blond hair carefully braided in two small braids, grows years in seconds. Her face turns serious, her eyes focus on the hound and start to evaluate.
"Looks clean, but not very healthy. You were right to come, I'll get my mother and be right back." Quickly standing up, she enters one of the two closed doors to my left. I imagine she walked into the room she shares with Katniss and Mrs. Everdeen, which makes the other door the bathroom.
Not a minute passed, the door opens again giving way to two out of the three ladies that live here. I stand up to great Mrs. Everdeen, who, as soon as she sees me extends her arm to greet me.
"Peeta! What a surprise! Prim tells me you hurt your arm?" She signals me to seat again and taking the seat next to me reaches for my arm to have a better look.
"Nice to see you again, Mrs. Everdeen and I'm sorry to barge in like this, unannounced. It's nothing really, the cut, it's just that sometimes is throbs and bothers me a little."
"Nonsense" she dismisses "you were right honey, it's clean, but doesn't look too good. Let's clean it again and make an herb mix to avoid infection and help with the throbbing."
"Since you have this, I want to go check on lady" and saying nothing else, Prim goes out the door to find Lady, her goat that lives just outside the house in a small settler I assume Katniss helped Prim build.
"I just wanted to say, I'm very glad that you're back. I can't seem to begin to comprehend what you went through, but no matter what, you made the entire district proud, and you came back!" She's gone up to fetch the necessary supplies and seating again, starts to clean the wound.
"I'm glad to be back too" I sigh "Mrs. Everdeen, I want to apologize… The things I said in the games… about Katniss…" I swallow, suddenly afraid of what Mrs. Everdeen will say "I just… I wanted you to know, that I didn't in any way meant any disrespect to Katniss or to you. It was selfish of me to just say does things without thinking where I was and who was hearing it, but in no way did I meant to create and difficulties for you and I'm deeply sorry if any of you suffered anything from it."
She stops what she's doing and looks at me very serious "Did you meant what you said? About Katniss?"
"Yes, absolutely. I wasn't lying. I do care a lot about your daughter, more than I've ever had the courage to admit to her." I nervously admit.
"Then we have no problem" she widely smiles and goes back to treating the cut on my arm. "Katniss might think so, she doesn't like being the center of attention, much less on national tv, but she'll get over it and she'll understand that you meant her no harm."
"Don't worry about it" she adds when I remain silent. "How did you do this anyway?"
"Oh, it was stupid really, I forgot that I had the knife in my hand and in a reflex crossed my arms" I don't really want to get into Katniss visit and what I just told her was what happened, more or less. I don't think, however, Mrs. Everdeen is buying it.
"And how are you holding up being back?"
"Well to be honest, it's not being easy. I'm not sleeping very well, I'm not used to live by myself, but the worst of all is my family and I are growing more and more distant." She starts grinding the herbs with an attention and preciseness typic from her profession. It's during times like this when you see the real Mrs. Everdeen, the professional, fully in domain and in control of herself and what she's doing. It greatly differs from the kept to herself personality she channels in public.
"You're living alone? Because of the bakery? I'm sure your parents would greatly appreciate the amenities you now have access to."
"They don't want to. My mother has cut me out of her life, she says my performance in the games was less than ideal, to put it politely. That I've embarrassed her and the whole family"
"Oh… I see" She looks suddenly tired "Boudica is very attached to her roots, and she never did like me and my family apparently by corollary. I'm so very sorry it has affected you to the point it parted you with your family. I'm sure she'll reconsider; you are her son. Children are the most precious thing a parent can have. You'll see, you just have to give her time."
"I don't know, really. But it's ok, I'm not sorry of what I said and the way I behaved. Every bit of it was the truth and I stand by it" I've no doubt that what she just said is true for her, and in her case, but I never felt precious to my mother.
"Katniss is very lucky to have you as a friend" Mrs. Everdeen spreads the herb paste along the cut, tightening a cloth around it to keep it in place. "This should do the trick" she pats my arm and stands up "Keep it I place for the next three days and then come back for me to check how it's healing. This is to help you sleep at night" She hands me a little bag she filled with another herb mix.
"Thank you, but I don't really need it, I can cope."
"Nonsense, just take it and try it. If it doesn't help you, no harm done anyway." Unable to fight the obvious logic, I reach for my backpack and take out ten coins, which I place on the table in front of Mrs. Everdeen.
"No Peeta, this is too much, I cannot accept it. Specially because I wasn't planning on charging you anything."
"Please take it, it will make me feel better if you do. I owe your family way too much" more than I can say, as thinking of her daughter and how much I wanted to see her again was what gave me strength to survive.
Seeing the determination in my eyes she takes the coins and with Prim entering the house again, the discussion ends there. I take the opportunity to then take the bread and the cookies out and onto the table.
"No, no, enough is enough Peeta" Mrs. Everdeen says.
"The cookies are a gift to Prim and living alone as I am, I have food left over, you have to accept it, so it doesn't go to waste."
"You brought me cookies?" Prim approaches the table to have a better look at the 12 cookies, I carefully unpacked.
"Of course! I know how much you like them and cooking and decorating with this precision occupies my mind, so I also have selfish reasons to bake them." The second part I add more to her mother. It's true, but the main reason I baked the cookies was to see the smile that is now on Prim's face.
"Oh, OH! The look so beautiful. Mom, look how pretty they are" She takes one and shoves it at her mother.
"They are a true work of art. Well done, Peeta."
"They are different! These have Primroses, just like me…" she beams "oh and I know to whom these Katniss decorated cookies are for…"
"And they're delicious too…." Her mother gives her a warning look as she's trying to speak and chew at the same time.
"Oh, thank you very much for the cookies, they're perfect."
"I'm glad you like them. If I knew you would be this happy, I would have brought them sooner."
"It's the best gift ever" and then in a lower voice she adds "I wish I knew how to make these…"
"That's an easy fix! I can teach you!" I offer.
"Now Peeta, I'm sure you're too busy and have much better things to do, to indulge my daughter's whims."
"Not really. Since I can't go back to school and am not allowed to work at the bakery, my days are pretty uneventful." I confess.
"So can I go?" Prim asks her mother.
I think Mrs. Everdeen has realized how alone I am lately that she nods to Prim without any more discussion.
"Yeahy! When can we do it? Tomorrow?"
"Prim, frankly… Don't impose. Peeta is offering, let him decide."
"Tomorrow is fine, I don't have anything planned and will be home. You can come by whenever you like" and turning to Mrs. Everdeen I add "both you and Katniss are very welcome to come.
I've taken to much of your time already. I should head back home. Thank you, Mrs. Everdeen for the dressing and for this bit."
"You're quite welcome. Thank you for the gifts" She and a beaming Prim accompany me to the door and open it for me to leave.
Hapy New Year!
I Really liked writing this chapter, i hope you've enjoyed it!
:)