Chapter 74
Rays of sunlight fell through the window, spilling all over the floor where Regina had been staring silently for nearly ten minutes. She knew that sooner or later she should say something, and that the times when she had refused to speak to Archie were actually behind her. But for some reason, she found it infinitely difficult to put into words what she was thinking that day.
Archie let his patient free rein and did not press her. He knew Regina well enough to know that sooner or later she would open up to him on her own, whether that day or any other.
"Why am I not sleeping well now that Emma is better?" Regina finally sighed, who withdrew her hand after chewing thoughtfully on one of her fingernails. "Why am I not one of those people who behave normally and can't sleep when their girlfriend's life is in imminent danger?"
"In this case, you can't talk about normal or abnormal. Everyone reacts differently to a situation. However, I can assure you that it is not at all uncommon for anxiety to come after the acute dangerous situation has already passed. Then a burden has fallen off and you can concentrate on the things you were suppressing before," Archie explained calmly, pushing his glasses higher up his nose. "Did you want to come to me today, Regina? Or did Emma push you into it?"
Caught, Regina rolled her eyes and crossed her arms in front of her chest. "It was Emma. I would have preferred to stay with her, but she insisted I call you."
"So she's doing a lot better by now?" the psychiatrist inquired sympathetically, smirking slightly. "If she is already giving you instructions again."
"Yes. Yes, she is doing better," she nodded thoughtfully. "But without a suitable stem cell donor, there's not much they can do for her," she countered, taking a deep breath. "I won't say I've gotten used to the idea that she's going to die. But at least we were able to prepare for it somehow. Now it may be that she will make it, and nothing would make me happier, only... The odds are against it, and I'm afraid it will hit me all the harder now when all hopes are destroyed again."
"Perhaps they won't," Archie mused. "I can only advise you to live the present and not worry about the future. I know that that's not possible. But you should try as best you can. One day at a time, Regina. Emma seems to be doing well today. That's what you need to hold on to, and that's what you need to go to bed with. Don't dwell on thoughts about whether tomorrow it might change. We never know what the future will bring and we have to let ourselves be surprised."
Regina was silent and let herself sink back against the back of the couch. She knew how he meant it, but what she didn't know was how not to worry about tomorrow. A tomorrow when Emma would have chemo, when the pain from the surgery would push through the painkillers, when there could be unforeseen complications. "It's too much," she finally brought out without looking at him.
"It would be for anyone. But please remember that you are not alone. You have friends who will help you and Emma. All you have to do is ask for that help."
"That's easier said than done!", Regina snapped at him, her eyes two flashing dark pieces of charcoal. "I know they'll help us. But they're not there when things get really serious. They're not there when Emma is writhing in pain at night, or when she's having another debilitating treatment or surgery. And I don't even want to imagine what would happen if Emma actually... died." It took all her strength to say the word. "If they all offered their condolences and showed up at my door with some sort of casserole. As if it would help Henry and me if they made us dinner. As if it would make me eat anything at all!"
"Regina," Archie interrupted her flood of words. "I understand that you're in an absolutely exceptional situation and are afraid of losing Emma. But still, one day at a time. You're doing great, Emma couldn't ask for anyone stronger at her side."
In disbelief, Regina snorted and shook her head, turning her face away from him.
"This is not the phrase of a psychiatrist, I am serious, Regina. In a situation like this, everyone struggles with mental problems, but not everyone has the strength to seek help either," he stated honestly. "You're doing everything you can to be there for Emma, and under the circumstances, you couldn't do any better. The only important thing now is that you achieve a balance between your well-being and Emma's. You must not forget yourself, because then this already unstable structure will start to falter."
Still silent, Regina lowered her eyes. She already felt her thoughts drifting to Emma again.
"It is important that you get into the habit of a regular sleep rhythm. If possible, go to bed at the same time every day. Come up with a ritual."
"A ritual?" Regina asked incredulously.
"Yes," Archie confirmed. "This can involve anything. A movie with Henry before bed, tea with your sister. You can also read a poem before you turn out the lights."
"A poem?" Regina raised an eyebrow doubtfully.
Archie smirked and shook his head. "Those are just examples. Of course, you have to find something for yourself that you like and is good for you."
Sighing, Regina ran her hand over her eyes. "All right, I'll give it a try. What about my medications?"
"I'd hate to change anything about the dosage right now. So far, the setting has worked well." He hesitated, unsure whether or not to say the next sentence. But since he had to tell her one way or another anyway, he finally decided to go straight. "I know you've had a lot on your plate lately, but... I'd like you to start coming to me more regularly again. At least one session a week. It's the only way I can be sure the treatment is going according to plan."
"But...", Regina started, but already had Emma's angry speech in her ear a moment later, should she let her therapy sessions slip again. "Okay," she therefore relented, biting her lip. She tried to convince herself that this would hardly cause her to lose any time with Emma. She could spare an hour or two a week. "Is that it for today then?"
"If there's nothing else you want to talk about," Archie nodded, rising when Regina did. He shook the hand she held out to him and escorted her to the door.
"Thanks," the brunette murmured, as always with shame in her voice and unable to look at him.
"You're always welcome. Say hello to Emma for me, please."
Nodding, Regina walked to the stairs and left the building. Although it drew her back to Emma, she forced herself to do some shopping instead. If things really did stay that way and Emma couldn't leave the clinic anytime soon, they would still have to continue their lives on Mifflin Street, even when she wasn't with them, and unfortunately that included stocking the refrigerator and cooking food for their son. For her and her son, she corrected herself in her mind. She was aware that she took far too little care of herself, and that included food. She could no longer stand Zelena's punishing looks when she once again left most of it on her plate. So she decided to change something about her eating habits, and on the way to the supermarket she thought about what might be a suitable routine for her before going to sleep.
"Now tell me!" Emma sat upright in her bed with the help of the adjustable headboard, the covers pulled up to her armpits. Her face was pale and her eyes a little cloudy, but for the fact that chemo, already the third this week, was running into her vein, she felt reasonably well.
"No." Regina remained firm, crossing her arms in front of her chest, "I don't want to talk about it."
"Why not? It's just me," Emma whispered, a smirk twitching across her lips. She had gotten into the habit of imagining certain situations without her illness. Sometimes it made her sad, but most of the time it made her feel better. Right now, therefore, she imagined grabbing Regina and throwing her backwards onto the bed, then covering her with kisses until she shared her secret.
"I'm not even sure that talking to you about it wouldn't ruin the success of the therapy," Regina sternly suggested, but ultimately couldn't hold back her grin.
"Pff," Emma went on, shaking her head. "As if. You just made that up."
"Maybe," Regina teased her, leaning in to kiss her on the cheek. Dr. Heart hadn't outright forbidden them to exchange real kisses, but the last infection was still stubbornly stuck in Regina's mind, and she didn't want to be to blame if a donor was suddenly found for Emma and then she wasn't in any condition to accept that donation because of some germs raging in her body she got from her.
"You're mean. I'm stuck in here, remember? At least give me something to distract myself with," her girlfriend whined.
"There are plenty of things and topics I can distract you with. It doesn't have to be the exact one thing I'm embarrassed about." Emma had been trying to get out of her what her new routine for falling asleep consisted of for fifteen minutes now, but since she was so uncomfortable with the subject, it already seemed much longer.
Emma eyed her and traced the lines on Regina's palm with her index finger, lost in thought. "I thought you and I didn't have to hide anything from each other. Do you think I'm laughing at you for whatever it is? You have nothing to be embarrassed about, Regina. I care about you, and I want to know everything about you."
Regina sighed and stared at Emma's nightstand, which held several picture frames that housed photographs of her, Henry, Snow, David, and Neal. Between them were Emma's headphones, and a bouquet of tulips standing next to them had already shed most of its petals, despite Regina's loving care. She didn't like the way Emma's hospital room was looking more and more like a living room someone had moved into permanently, even if that pretty much summed it up. "All right," she finally heard herself say, already annoyed that she'd let herself be talked into it after all. "But not a word to anyone. I'm warning you!"
"Scout's honor," Emma nodded with a grin on her lips and raised her free hand for taking oath.
"That's the wrong one," Regina muttered.
"Huh?"
"The wrong hand," she specified.
Emma grinned even wider. "The other one is busy holding you. So you'll have to make do with this one."
"All right," Regina countered, taking another deep breath. "I started out baking in the evenings. But after three days, I noticed that no one could eat that much. Then I thought it couldn't hurt if I... well, I tried drawing. But I'm not a particularly talented painter, and it frustrated rather than grounded me to look at the crooked, bent lines I ended up with on the page. On the fifth night, I listened to music. But it didn't distract me enough from my thoughts."
Since Regina didn't speak further, Emma furrowed her brow in confusion. "And that's it? I mean, what is it that you finally decided on? It was just the things you didn't think were good, right?"
A smirk twisted Regina's lips. "You've never been particularly patient, Miss Swan. Patience is a virtue."
"In the world you come from, maybe," Emma grunted, wetting her chapped lips with her tongue. "Now tell me."
Rolling her eyes in annoyance, Regina slid into bed beside her girlfriend and put her arms around her. "I've started writing," she whispered, listening to Emma's breaths beside her ear. "Diary. I'm writing diary. I've done that before. Way earlier, I mean. When I was young and newly married to the king." She paused, already expecting Emma to start snorting laughter, but she didn't. She sat very still beside her and held her hand. "This way I can give shape to my thoughts and feelings. The shape of words on paper. It's as if I can banish them to the pages and keep them there. As if they then left my head and waited there for me until I wanted to read them again. I know that sounds totally crazy."
Slowly, Emma shook her head and stroked a strand of hair out of Regina's face. "It doesn't at all. I think it's beautiful."
Doubting, Regina turned her face to her and studied the expression in her tired green eyes. "Honestly?"
"Honestly," Emma nodded, leaning her forehead against her girlfriend's. "That sounds like you, and I'm glad you've found something that helps you and that still lets you stay yourself. I mean... drawing?" Emma smiled and pressed a kiss to the top of her head.
"You promised not to laugh!", Regina reminded her, but then snuggled closer to her again.
"You were worried about the diary writing, not your activities as a freelance artist," she indicated, closing her eyes. She wasn't feeling as nauseous as usual, but the repeated treatment with chemotherapy was beginning to take its toll.
"I know," Regina nodded, looking at her exhausted face. "Do you want me to go?"
"As you wish," Emma murmured, opening her eyes to see the expression on Regina's face. No matter how many times she looked at her girlfriend, she would probably always feel like she was lost in her expressive, dark eyes. "You're so beautiful."
"They seem to be giving you really good drugs this time," Regina teased, stroking her temple with her fingertips in a tender gesture.
"No drugs in the world could make me believe that," Emma countered, focusing on the gentle touch Regina was framing her face with. It distracted her from the sudden onset of headaches and shortness of breath that sometimes accompanied chemo and were barely alleviated by the oxygen from the tube in her nose.
Although she had said nothing, Regina sensed her discomfort and pulled the blanket higher over Emma's shoulders. The test results, which had come in one by one that week, had given them both a spark more hope. The metastases to Emma's meninges had disappeared as a result of the radiations, and her leukemia had not become more aggressive. She was still in need of the stem cell donation, but until that time came, the chemos were sufficient and the radiations could be omitted. Still, Regina became all too aware again at that moment that these alone were enough to rob Emma of all the strength she had left. "How would you feel about a massage?" she suggested quietly.
"No, I... Just hold me," Emma begged, burying her face in the crook between Regina's chin and her collarbone. She hated how quickly her condition often changed and how little she herself could do about her discomfort.
So Regina did as Emma asked and put her arm around her girlfriend's shoulders. She felt her breaths getting heavier as time went on and made an effort to make sure she was lying as straight as possible so that her lungs were better ventilated.
Because of the shortness of breath, Emma did not manage to fall asleep as usual. Instead, she focused on Regina's warm body embracing hers and tried to distract herself from the fact that every rise and fall of her chest was agony.
Slowly and gently, Regina's fingers slid over Emma's side before her lips lowered to her temple. "Can they give you anything if you can't breathe well?" she wanted to know in a whisper after a while.
"Sure," Emma murmured, but didn't elaborate. She hoped it would get better on its own and didn't want them to sedate her with more opiates, several of which were already in her regular medication.
"But?" Regina asked.
Emma sighed and opened her eyes. "Would you be more relaxed if I told you that they put me on morphine?" she inquired, gasping.
"That's not what this is about," Regina replied after a moment's hesitation. "Of course I'd be more relaxed if you didn't need it, but you clearly do. You don't need to torture yourself like this. I'd be more comforted if I knew you're able to breathe and sleep."
Emma met her gaze and nodded slowly. "Okay," she finally whispered. "If they come over, you can say something." Exhausted from speaking, she closed her eyes again and sank against Regina once more. "This isn't how I imagined my life with you would be," she admitted.
At first Regina knew nothing to say in response. She didn't always want to brush it off when Emma expressed her grief, but she probably felt all this was far less bad than Emma herself. Therefore, she finally decided to be completely honest with her. "I didn't either," she thus began, "but I'd feel much worse if you had to go through all this alone. It hurts to see you like this. But at least I know I'm here for you and can stand by you. I doubt I'd be wanted at your bedside otherwise."
"But... don't you sometimes think how peaceful and beautiful you and Henry could have it if it weren't for me?" she asked softly.
This time Regina didn't have to think long before answering. "No! I wouldn't give away a moment, none of the good and none of the bad. And in a few years, we'll think back to this time when we're fighting again and tell each other that no disagreement in the world can break us apart after we've been through all this together."
"Yeah, I wish," Emma smiled and planted a kiss on Regina's collarbone, which was peeking out from under her blouse.
Blissfully, Regina closed her eyes and stroked the back of Emma's head. "I like to imagine that. Us in ten years," she admitted, swallowing hard. She had once made the mistake of googling the ten-year survival rates of patients with Emma's cancer. Since then, the horrifically low number haunted her whenever she couldn't distract herself otherwise.
When the knock came and the door opened, Emma turned her weary gaze to the nurse who had just walked in.
"Can I get you something, Emma?", Maureen wanted to know, exchanging the empty IV bottle for a full one.
"I'm having a hard time breathing," Emma explained honestly, letting Regina help her up a little more.
Maureen nodded and listened to her briefly with the stethoscope, which she then hung back on the IV stand from where she had taken it. "I'll let Dr. Heart know," she nodded.
"Thanks," Emma replied, returning the smile she gave her curtly.
"Do you need anything, Regina?" the nurse then wanted to know from the brunette.
The latter, however, shook her head. "No, thank you very much. I'll just stay until Emma is asleep."
With that, Maureen pulled away again to contact the doctor.
"When did you eat last?", Emma wanted to know worriedly.
"Today at noon. Really. I'll have dinner with Henry later," she assured her, squeezing her fingers.
Satisfied with that, Emma nodded and strained to shift into a slightly different position. When the door opened again, however, she was relieved to see the morphine injection in her doctor's hand. With each passing minute, she felt a little more miserable.
"I'd like to listen to your lungs again," Heart explained, joining Regina in helping Emma sit up so she could push her nightgown aside and reach her back.
"Is something wrong?", Emma wanted to know worriedly as she leaned against her pillow again and coughed.
Dr. Heart shook her head. "No, everything's fine. I just had to make sure pulmonary edema hadn't formed again, but it doesn't look like it," she explained honestly. "I'm going to give you some morphine now, and then you should be able to relax and get some rest," she said.
Emma nodded and squeezed Regina's hand as the doctor uncovered her catheter and injected the drug. "Thank you," her lips formed almost silently before she settled into a comfortable position and closed her eyes.
"Thank you," Regina said as well, pulling the blanket back over Emma's shoulders. Looking at her, she noticed that she already seemed to be dozing off, so she slid to the edge of the bed. "Do you have a moment?" she wanted to know quietly, addressing the doctor.
"Of course," Heart nodded and waited for Regina as she grabbed her jacket and purse before they left the hospital room together.
"I won't keep you long at all," Regina explained in normal volume as soon as they closed the door.
Heart nodded and waited to hear what Regina had to say.
"I know you said Emma can't leave the hospital, I... was just wondering if she could at least get out for a few hours. She's not saying anything, but I know how cooped up she feels in here. She's not well enough today, of course, but if she has a day when she feels reasonably well..."
With a nod, Heart interrupted the mayor. "I see what you're getting at. And I don't think there's anything wrong with Emma leaving the clinic for a while if she's physically able to do so. Mental well-being has an immense impact on recovery, and in Emma's case, it's just that she feels most comfortable in the fresh air. You have my okay. Just let me know when you want to take her, and I'll set everything up."
Regina gave her a genuine smile and was surprised at herself when she suddenly had tears in her eyes. "Thank you so much."
"Of course. I'm glad you suggested it. It will do her good," the doctor said, giving Regina's shoulder a quick squeeze. "Until then." With that, she walked away, Regina's grateful gaze at her back.
When Regina returned to Emma's room, her girlfriend was fully asleep. Therefore, she merely breathed another quick kiss on her forehead, slipped on her jacket, and headed home.