"Hibana, red stairs."
Castiel smiled to himself and snuggled in a little deeper between Dean's arms. He had tried to explain it to Cas, once, something about callouts and operators, but Cas still had no idea what any of it meant. All he knew is that the gibberish and nonsense sounded a little silly coming from his boyfriend's mouth.
"Good call," Sam's voice faintly came through Dean's headset, "Where're the Valk cams?"
"One on red stairs, they've popped the others."
Cas looked back down at his phone, lifting his elbow slightly out to the side. He might not understand anything that was happening on screen, but he loved when Dean played his games. He got to take some time to bond with his brother, and sometimes with friends like Jo or Charlie. It was difficult to find time to spend together, with everyone's class schedules being so different, so these nights were precious for Dean. Cas loved them too, even though he wasn't involved in the games at all. He loved being able to sit on the couch, surrounded snugly by his boyfriend's arms, just being together. Taking a few hours on the weekend or in the evenings to just relax and play games was good for both of them, Cas thought.
"Bullshit!" Dean shouted, angrily mashing buttons that, inevitably, did something, Cas was pretty sure. "Glaz in B!"
Maybe "relax" wasn't the right word.
Cas turned his head slightly to kiss the side of Dean's neck, still comfortably sitting between Dean's legs.
Dean glanced down with a quick little smile before locking his eyes back on the screen.
Cas scrolled through Twitter, switching to Instagram after a few minutes. He was warm and comfortable with Dean's arms around him, controller held firmly over Cas' lap. Every so often Dean would raise or lower the controller, presumably when he "died." Castiel was trying very deliberately not to think about the paper he had due in a few weeks that he really should get a head start on. Then he paused, smiled at his phone. An artist he adored had just posted a hand-drawn and painted sunflower, little bees flitting around the yellow petals. He liked it immediately, wondering if it would be rude to the artist to download it for his phone background. It was fine as long as he didn't sell it or anything, right? Should he message the artist to ask?
"Dean?"
"Yeah, babe?" Dean said, eyes still clearly focused on the screen, thumbs moving quickly around the buttons. "They've got a Cav, watch out."
The last bit was clearly not meant for him. He looked up with a passing curiosity if he could figure out what it meant. He watched in silence for a few moments, trying to parse out details. The screen was in grayscale with a little static here and there. Dean was… driving? Something close to the ground, whatever it was, zooming underneath furniture and around the feet of, he guessed, the other team, based on the bullets whizzing around him.
The screen shifted, coming into full color and raising to an eye level. Dean's thumbs moved expertly as the POV on screen started running, spinning to the side for a quick moment to shoot a camera on a pole.
"Good shot," Cas said, impressed at the precision. Not what was he was going to say originally, but right now he doubted Dean would have noticed if he had stopped talking at all.
Dean bumped Cas' side with his arm, giving him a quick kiss of the top of his head without taking his eyes off the screen.
Cas smiled to himself again, enjoying the absent-minded warmth. It wasn't new, but it was always nice. Dean, as much as he hated being called out on it, was an affectionate person, and Cas felt warm and cared for every time they shared a quick kiss or reassuring squeeze.
His smile softened as he thought about the numerous little kisses Dean liked to give him. Cas' favorites, not leading to anything, but given just because. On his forehead when they woke up together, still fuzzy with sleep, or pressed into his cheek with a smile when Cas made grabby hands at the first cup of coffee Dean had poured for himself. He never minded handing it over, and, honestly, at this point had begun pouring it for Cas anyway, although still gave little complaints through his smile when Cas stumbled in and reached for it.
The little kiss to the inside of his wrist he would give Cas when Dean stood up from the table in the mornings to go shower first, Cas reaching up to catch his hand and try to convince him to stay just a little longer. Always laced with a fond smile, a promise to come back soon, and warm eyes.
Sam's voice was faintly coming through the headset again, but Cas didn't bother to make words out of the sounds. He kept watching for a few minutes, wincing at the loud voices coming out of the headset when the screen flashed numbers. That couldn't be good for Dean's ears if Cas could hear it that loudly. They should have a quiet night after this, maybe watch a documentary or something, he mused, losing focus on the screen. Dean probably wouldn't have a headache or anything after the loud voices, he hadn't before, but some quiet would probably be a nice difference.
He let his mind run away with him, leaning his head back against Dean's shoulder, fondly remembering all their nights of take-out and bad movies, full of cuddles and teasing. Their old couch, soft blankets, lights and colors flickering across Dean's profile. Their life together so far had been beyond anything he could have ever dreamed. Sure, there were fights, all couples had them, but Cas wouldn't trade it for the world. Their shoes mixed up together and piled up by the door made him smile, even as he grumbled to Dean that they needed a rack or something. The wet towels on the floor of the bathroom that Dean knew he couldn't stand were always smoothed over with soft, smiling apologies breathed against his skin. He imagined more, their whole lives out in front of them, what Dean would look like with gray at his temples and reading glasses on his nose. Even though he knew he was getting ahead of himself. They were living together, sure, but it's not like either one had proposed or anything. Not that he wasn't aching to do so. Castiel loved Dean. He loved him so, so much.
But Castiel had never said it.
He wanted to, but so many things held him back. Dean, as physically affectionate as he was, had so much trouble with actually talking about emotions. He struggled enough with his feelings for Cas in the beginning, asking him out with red cheeks and downcast eyes. His father had done so much to hurt him, things that Dean had only been able to say months later, in the dark, breathing the terrible words with his voice breaking and wavering against Cas' chest. Together, lying on their sides, he so clearly remembers the feeling of his heart breaking as Dean's tears rolled slowly into the pillows. Cas couldn't imagine backing Dean into a corner, with Cas' feelings trapping him.
And… as much affection as Dean gave him, there was always fear.
What if Dean didn't feel the same way?
"Twitch drone in kitchen," Dean's voice broke him out of the downward spiral his thoughts had gone in, and Cas gave him another little kiss on the underside of his jaw in secret thanks, lingering longer than he had meant to but unable to pull himself away.
"What was that for?" Dean said quietly, glancing down quickly, but with concern. "You okay?"
Cas couldn't help the soft smile on his face. That was all he needed to relax back into the comfort of their… of them. If Dean knew something was up with only that little point of contact, they were okay. Whatever else was going on, however unsure he might be, they were okay. "Yeah," he quietly replied, closing his eyes and snuggling back in, "yeah, I'm fine."
"Okay," Dean sounded unsure, but let it go. "No, Sam, not you, ya moose," Dean said into his headset, "why would I- Mira window, on the left, watch out!"
Cas chuckled to himself at the tinny yelling that followed. Definitely a night in, after this. Would Dean want Chinese food or pizza? Maybe they could get some Indian delivered from that new place Charlie recommended. It had just opened not too long ago, so they hadn't tried it yet. Something new could be interesting.
"Does that new Indian place deliver?" He wondered, more to himself than Dean, picking up his phone again to Google it.
"Yeah, I think so," Dean answered anyway, still not looking away from the screen.
"Hmmm," Cas turned slightly and tucked his elbow into his side, fitting himself further into Dean. Navigating through a few screens until he found their menu, he considered it. Not too expensive, and he was actually a little impressed with their vegetarian and gluten free options. He read a few descriptions of dishes. "How do you feel about that for dinner?"
"Ahhhh," Dean lowered his controller, apparently dead for a few minutes. "Sounds good to me," he said, looking down at Cas' screen, gently nudging Cas' head with his jaw. "They don't serve beef, though, right? Charlie said something about it, that she didn't know if I could handle a night without it." He rolled his eyes.
Cas hummed again, scrolling around. "Looks like they have chicken and lamb… A few with shrimp or fish… They have a lot of vegetarian options, actually."
"Yeah, no," Dean made a face at the thought, as if the very notion disgusted him. "Pick something good for me, I trust you." He raised the controller again, diving back into the game. "Damn it, Sam, no, not you!"
Laughing quietly as they started bickering, Cas lifted his feet up on to the empty couch cushion on the other side of Dean, tucking his knees underneath Dean's arm and carefully turning so that his side was against Dean's chest. He leaned his head down, resting against Dean's shoulder, reading more options. The Vindaloo sounded like something Dean would like, something a little spicy with potatoes.
"They have a Kapkan, watch the doors."
The Rogani sounded delicious, though, with the red wine in the sauce. That might be good to help Dean relax after his night of "relaxing" games, Cas thought to himself with a small huff of laughter. Actually, all jokes aside, it did sound good, and they might have some red wine left over in the fridge that would be great with it. Maybe he could convince Dean to have a glass, too, instead of beer.
"Do we have any wine left?" Cas asked absentmindedly.
"Frost trap, back up," Dean said. "Uh, yeah, I think so?"
"Would you drink some with me tonight? I think it would go really well with this lamb thing."
"Mmmm," Dean hummed doubtfully. "I mean, I'll have some if you think it'll be good, but you know I'm not really a wine— Goo mine, shit! What the hell kind of a team is this?!"
Cas looked back down, happy enough with that answer. He could get both the Vindaloo and the Rogani and they could share the two. He went back to the main screen, looking for an "order" option. There was a phone number for the location, and a note saying that delivery was available, but he couldn't find… The restaurant didn't have an option to order online, he realized unhappily. He would have to actually call them to order it.
"Uggghhhh," he groaned, not wanting to get up and go to the other room, but knowing he couldn't make the call with Dean still yelling in the background.
"Ring their phones, Sam," Dean yelled, proving his point, "Why play Dokkaebi if you're not gonna use your ability?"
Sam started to yell something in Dean's headset in response, but Cas didn't bother listening. He started slowly turning to stand up, slipping his feet back down to the floor. Dean's arms tightened like he was trying to stop him, but he couldn't stop yelling long enough to say it.
"They're in A, in A," he repeated, craning his neck to keep his eyes on the screen, refusing to lift his arms to let Cas out.
"Dean," he tried, putting his hand on Dean's forearm.
"Sam, ring 'em again," Dean pulled his arms in even tighter, trapping Cas against his chest.
"Dean," he laughed through his complaint, "let me out, I have to go order the food."
"Watch the floor, 'nother Frost trap," Dean pressed on, still refusing to let Cas leave, eyes fully focused on the screen.
He tried again, still laughing, pressing lightly against Dean's arms in an attempt to stand. "Dean!"
"Please, Cas, babe, I love you, but you gotta sit still, give me five seconds, please," Dean managed, thumbs flying across the controller with complete concentration. "Food can wait, sweetheart. Sam, push in, go, go, go!"
Cas froze, mouth dropping open in shock.
Sam's voice came through Dean's headset, delight, slight disgust, and mild annoyance braided together in the way that only siblings can manage. "Gross, Dean, save that for after the game, man. One left, behind the counter."
"Yeah!" Dean cheered as he got the final kill, finally raising his arms in victory on either side of Castiel's still frozen body. "Nice one, Sam! Wait," he lowered his arms with his eyebrows, "save what for after the game?"
"You—" Castiel whispered through numb lips, all blood having rushed to his core. He twisted slowly to look at Dean. His brain felt like it was struggling to reboot. "You—"
"I get how much you like your boyfriend, dude, but that's really a 'you two' kind of conversation." Sam's amused voice was clearer than ever, standing out from the silence of the menu screen. "I'm leaving; I'm done for the night. I'll text you."
"Okay…" Dean still sounded confused, "I'll text you later?"
"Bye!" Sam said cheerfully. "Bye, Cas!" He added, shouting, apparently fully aware that Cas could hear him the entire time. "I hope everything goes well!"
Cas couldn't even think of responding, brain still stuck on the words Dean had thrown out without even thinking.
Dean looked down at him, still confused, mouth opening, most likely, to ask what Sam was talking about. He stopped when he made eye contact with Cas, eyes darting around to take in what was no doubt his still slightly open mouth and pale face. "Cas, are you okay?" He sounded concerned, suddenly dropping the controller. He yanked off his headphones and brought his hands up to cup Cas' face. "What happened, what's wrong?"
Castiel couldn't stop himself from staring into Dean's eyes. "You—" He didn't know what to… what should he…
Dean's concern intensified. His thumbs started brushing across Cas' cheekbones. "Sweetheart, are you feeling okay? Did I do something?"
"You love me?" Cas whispered, the only words he was able to think, running on a loop in his brain, the only words that had any chance of escaping his mouth.
Dean flushed a little but didn't move his hands. "Well, um, yeah?"
Castiel just blinked dumbly at him. He wasn't… Dean wasn't pulling away. He wasn't running, he wasn't trying to brush it off, he wasn't freaking out. He wasn't freaking out. Why was Cas freaking out if Dean wasn't freaking out?
"I mean," Dean moved one of his hands to brush it through his own hair, clearly off balance. "Is that what I said? I'm guessing that's what Sam was talking about. Um, for," he huffed out a breath, Cas blinking again as it hit his face, "For the record, this was not at all how I wanted to tell you that, so, um… Surprise?" He gave a nervous, crooked smile.
Cas had always loved that smile.
Wait, he could say that now.
Wait, he could say that now.
"I love your smile." Cas blurted out, eyes still locked with Dean's.
Dean's smile slipped a little, clearly unsure how he was supposed to react to that. "Is that your way of, I mean—um… Not that that's not—" His hand was slowly beginning to lower off of Cas' face.
"I love your smile," Cas repeated, grabbing Dean's hand and pressing it back into place, back where he wanted it, trying so hard to get this right. "I love your freckles and your eyes and the way you hate dress clothes. I love the way you apologize to me every time you forget to hang up your towel, even though you never remember to hang it up. I love how you get so concerned over me when you think something is wrong that you drop whatever you're doing until you're sure I'm okay. I love the way you'll talk to me even when you're talking to someone else or you're really busy. I—" He had so many, so many things he loved, things he'd noticed in their life together, his mind was full of moments, all rushing to his mouth, he felt like he couldn't catch his breath, "I love that you trust me to do things for you. I love the way you run your hands through your hair when you're trying to figure out your engineering homework, and I love the way you talk to me about it as if I could help you with it, and I love the way you smile and kiss me when you figure it out even though I didn't understand a word you said but you always say I helped you."
Dean was frozen in place, mouth slightly open. Processing the words pouring out of him, probably.
He rushed on, not stopping to let Dean interject. "I love the way you smile at me when you complain that I take your coffee in the morning even though we both know you poured it for me, and I love the way you kiss me when you let me have it anyway. I love that you think to buy things you know I'll like at the store even though you think it's gross most of the time. I love that you hate vegetables, Dean, I—" he stopped to take in a shaky breath, but adamantly refused to acknowledge that his eyes were wet. It was because he was overwhelmed, that was all. "I love you, too. I have for—" he huffed out a breath. "For a while." He finished, quietly, finally breaking his gaze away from Dean's to look down in embarrassment. He hadn't meant for it to pour out of him like that.
He felt Dean's eyes on his face as he stared at him for a few seconds, but he couldn't make himself look back up so soon after baring his soul. "Yeah?" He heard, quietly.
Cas glanced back up, taking in the slowly growing smile on Dean's lips. "Yeah." He said it quietly, maybe a little wetly, but firmly. There was no question in his mind, and he hoped Dean could hear it in his voice.
"Well, I, uh," Dean cleared his throat, but his beaming smile was still firmly in place and his hand was still on Cas' cheek. "I love a lot of things about you, too, but I wasn't prepared for a pop quiz, so…"
Castiel rolled his eyes, reaching up to wipe at them. "You're an ass."
"But you love me." Dean laughed anyway, tilting his head down to kiss Cas. "And I love you," he said against his lips.
Cas couldn't stop the smile spreading on his face or the glow of warmth in his chest. "Yeah," he agreed quietly, pressing in for another kiss. "I really do."