TOS. Set shortly after Journey to Babel.
Spock's mind was in a state of kinetic puzzlement. This was a fact that his shipmates might have found most surprising, given the Vulcan Science Officer's reknowned propensity for invoking Logic.
Logic was, in a loose Human sense of the term, a totalizing religion. The ancient Vulcans had worshipped the gods of War, Peace, and Death, and in some way, though the Vulcans no longer believed in the gods, they still believed in a Logical Cosmic Order that reflected this trinity of being. The Logical Way led away from War; it strove for Peace, and it accepted Death.
All Vulcans who fully accepted Logic had accepted Death.
The half-Vulcan Spock had not accepted Death.
Therefore, Spock had not fully accepted Logic.
And that thought unsettled him.
Logic rejected emotions, for they were impure and antithetical to Truth. Thus, the object of the perfected Vulcans who had undergone Kolinahr was to purge themselves of all emotion. Emotions were at the core of Spock's failure in the face of mortality. It was not that Vulcans were without emotion. Contrary to the myths and cultural misunderstandings of earthlings, Vulcans were, by nature, highly emotional creatures. However, giving themselves over to such emotions led to war, ruin, and death. And so Vulcan had found a better way. The Way of Logic.
For the most part, Spock easily accepted that way. Often finding himself at odds with his Human crewmates, whose emotional illogicality struck him as often perverse and distasteful. Even so, it would have been no better for him at the Vulcan Science Academy; there, as with much of his childhood, his fellow Vulcans would have made hypocrites of their Logic by provoking him because of their own emotional, anti-Human, prejudices.
Spock would never be fully merged with either the Vulcan or Human worlds. It was perhaps illogical, but given the facts, a degree of alienation was a highly predictable outcome.
Though he considered himself far more Vulcan than Human, Vulcans did not accept him. By the same measure, Humans did not understand him; they could not even pronounce his forename. And so, he was simply 'Spock,' the Vulcan Science Officer.
A curiosity to all, favored by none.
Emotions were the currency of the Human race, and by that measure, Spock knew himself to be a pauper. Except for his skill and unerring competence on the bridge of the USS Enterprise, what Humans wanted from him was beyond his capacity to provide. He could not relinquish his Logic, and even if he could, he had no desire to do so. The price of their camaraderie was too high, and Spock had long ago accepted that it was not his to purchase. He was alone. Or he would have been, except for one man.
James Tiberius Kirk, Captain of the Enterprise, an emotional, illogical Human who—for reasons Spock still could not quite fathom—had many times risked his career, and even his very life, for the sake of his First Officer.
And all he had asked in return was that Spock…
Well, that was the puzzle of it…Jim Kirk had asked for nothing. Nothing except Spock's loyalty. Which he already had. Loyalty to one's Captain was Logical, after all.
It seemed so little. So disproportionate. Unbalanced, even.
During the agony of Spock's pon farr, Kirk disobeyed the orders of Star Fleet to save his life and return to Vulcan for his mating ceremony. But T'Pring had other plans. She had demanded kal-if-fee, making the Logical decision to choose Kirk as her champion, and in his half-crazed state, Spock had very nearly killed the hapless Captain. Had it not been for Doctor McCoy's sleight-of-hand…well, Jim would never have left that arena alive.
If he were Human, Spock would have probably described himself as 'cold,' a desirable trait among Vulcans. But as his Captain had seemed to die beneath his crushing hands, the familiar cold of holy Logic was nothing like the overwhelming nothingness that stilled the rage of his plak tow.
The sight of Jim limp within the sands had quenched his blood fever and left him empty of all sensation. He had passed the subsequent hours in a nearly catatonic state until, in an unbecoming display of jubilation, he had thrown his arms around the Captain, who had returned to him, alive and well, aboard the ship.
Kirk's forgiving him was the Logical thing to do. Spock was, after all, an invaluable First Officer. But the fact that the Human Captain had done so was nonetheless surprising. Such transgressions were not easily forgiven between Humans, let alone between species.
But forgive him, he had.
And not only that, but not long after, the Human Captain once again risked his life for Spock's sake. Only this time, it had not been to save Spock's life, or his honor, but to save his ill Father, Ambassador Sarek, while the Enterprise was transporting a bevy of treacherous diplomats to a contentious Federation conference.
When an assassination attempt left Kirk confined to sick bay, Spock had been forced to take command of the Enterprise at the exact time that Sarek was in need of a life-saving blood transfusion. Spock's refusal to relinquish command to undergo the allogenic transfer was the Logical decision, but his Mother's outrage left him in a quandary that even Logic could not solve.
Though he would never have admitted it, his private grief had tortured him. He would never have dared to utter such words, but Spock loved his Father. It was emotional. Disgraceful. All the more justification for Sarek's disapproval of his son's choices. But it was True. And at least in that fact, Logic vindicated him. Much like ancient Earth's Stoics, he could do nothing but accept it.
Sarek's impending demise had been all but certain. Until, for reasons unknown, his wounded, irrational, illogical Captain had rallied his strength and intervened by forcibly relieving Spock of command.
Even more illogical than Kirk's reckless behavior was that Spock had been complicit in his Captain's foolhardy stunt. When Jim appeared on the bridge claiming that he was perfectly well, Spock knew it was a ruse. All Vulcans have superior olfactory senses; Spock was no different. The Captain smelled of blood and antibodies, sweat beading on his forehead as his voice choked within his throat. Kirk was anything but fit for duty. And yet, against all tenets of Logic, Spock had relinquished the command chair and submitted himself with all necessary haste to Leonard McCoy's procedures.
Sarek had survived. And despite the best efforts of the Orionian saboteurs, so had the Enterprise.
Jim had given up all but the last of his strength by taking the helm in such a weakened state. To have then been forced to guide the Enterprise through battle in such a condition was most impressive. And deeply illogical.
But Spock could not bring himself to regret it.
Yes, Spock was emotional when it came to Death. Be it the Death of his Captain or of his Father. It was a scandal he kept well hidden. It was disquieting. Imbalancing.
But though he did not show it in the usual ways that are customary among Humans, he was grateful for his Captain's unmerited fidelity. Jim Kirk asked nothing of him. Neither Logic nor illogic, neither impassivity nor emotion, neither that he be Human or Vulcan.
If he were being so bold as to speculate, it might be said among Humans that Captain Kirk "cherished" his half-Vulcan First Officer. It was an unusual word to use, but it seemed, nonetheless, apropos.
At that thought, Spock was surprised to find that, in his own way, he reciprocated the sentiment.
As he stood upon the bridge, his line of sight grazed over the shoulder of his Captain's silhouette. From his place at the Captain's side, he stared into the viewscreen and felt for the first time that he was not alone. Yes, metaphorically and literally, he was at the Captain's side. Just as the Captain was at his. And Spock hoped he always would be.
His friend. His brother. His...
Spock stilled imperceptibly as an impossible word rose inside his mind.
His T'hy'la.
This is dedicated to a dear friend who made a one-shot request. Merry belated Christmas! In my headcanon, this is the first time Spock contemplates the word t'hy'la in relation to Kirk. Guest reviews are always welcome and require no registration. Thoughts on Spock's epiphany?