Heads up: mature-ish scene when you see this: *
I'll paint the kitchen neon, I'll brighten up the sky
I know I'll never get it, there's not a day that I won't try
"No - why are you hanging that up there?"
"You don't like it?"
"Um…" Elphaba looks back and forth between Fiyero and the red sparkly garland he's putting up on the wall, above the TV. She purses her lips and wills herself not to laugh. "The thing itself, yes…but don't you think it clashes with…everything else?" he also hung snowflakes, red and gold star stickers, green tree stickers, and blue blinking lights. All on the same wall. The rest of the house is a different story. How did he even do this in the two hours she'd been napping? When had they even bought all this fancy shit?
"I think it looks festive," it was Lurlinemass season after all. And he was going to make this the happiest place in Oz.
"Honey," oh boy. She never called him anything other than his name or the abbreviation of it. "At this point our house is the Lurlinemass store. I mean I like it, but maybe we should rearrange it a little bit? Maybe warmer colors in the kitchen and cooler colors in the living room? Spread things out a little more?"
"Ok, so the snowflakes and lights stay, everything else comes off?" Elphaba nods. "And where should everything else go?" Fiyero laughs a bit at himself. Oz, it does look like Lurlinemass threw up on the wall.
"Maybe…you know what? We'll figure it out, let's just get everything else off first," she laughs while helping him peel off the stickers.
He's kneeling down to reorganize the stickers when he feels something being placed on his head. It's a sticker. He smiles and looks up and Elphaba's there to give him a soft kiss.
"Thank you," she whispers.
And Fiyero knows exactly what she means. Things haven't…haven't been good recently.
It's been six months since Elphaba first got diagnosed with cervical cancer and the tumor hasn't budged much. It wasn't going away, but at least it wasn't growing.
At first.
Then the bleeding got much worse. This past week it had spread to her other ureter. They decided to try some more treatment since surgery isn't an option just yet; the doctors scheduled her for another round of radiation therapy, and her chemo dosage was raised.
He figured a little decorating for Lurlinemass might brighten her up. He admits he probably went a bit overboard, but it seems to have worked. She's smiling.
With Elphaba's better eye for this sort of stuff, they rearrange things and it looks ten times better than it did before.
"Was that the last one?"
"Yep. It looks amazing, Fae," above the kitchen cabinets, she lined up glass Lurlinemass presents, alternating between the sizes and colors.
He carefully helps her down from the counter. She leans down as much as she can and he places an arm across her back and hooks the other one under her knees. She's so much lighter.
She giggles when he doesn't put her down right away and instead carries her all the way to the living room.
"Are you hungry yet?"
"Not particularly, but I could use something to help me wait until lunch."
"I know just the thing," he sets her down on the couch, hands her the remote and kisses her. "Set something up for us, I'll be right back."
"Yero! I don't know what I'm in the mood for!"
He lets the small wave of fear that hit him when she first yelled his name pass. He reminds himself to breathe. "A drama?!"
"No!"
"Action?!"
"No!"
"Thriller?!"
"No!"
"Documentary?!"
Silence. Then, "Bingo!"
Fiyero quickly arranges a small plate of pretzel sticks and cheese and by the time he's finished, the hot chocolate finishes warming up in the microwave. He walks to the living room with the plate and two mugs in hand and Elphaba melts when she sees what he's bringing.
"Oh I love you. You know me so well," she takes her cup from his hands.
They settle on the couch together, cuddling up against each other while picking at the snacks and sipping on their drinks. He's a bit surprised at the documentary she chose. He was expecting a historical figure or maybe even a true crime, not a documentary following a pack of monkeys, but it actually turned out to be really interesting, especially in the way they had a hierarchy within the pack and what that entailed.
Once the documentary ends, they still have some time before they usually start lunch, so they just let something play in the background and chat for a little bit. Elphaba covers a yawn with her hand and lays her head down on his chest. Fiyero pulls her in a little tighter.
"Are you ok?" he whispers.
He feels her sigh against him. "I don't want to cry again today so I'll keep it short and sweet. This whole thing sucks and it's draining me. But I wanna get through it, I wanna beat this. And I love you. So much."
He kisses her forehead. "I love you too," he feels a sharp sting in his eyes.
Elphaba raises her head to look at him. "And you? How are you?" she asks.
Fiyero swallows. How is he? He hates this. He absolutely hates this. It's not fair that this is happening to her, she's never done anything in her life to deserve this. And he…he's scared everyday. Everyday. Everytime she darts to the bathroom, everytime she starts to hyperventilate, everytime she cries in a fetal position because the pain is just too much. If he could trade places with her he would, in a heartbeat. He doesn't want to lose her. He can't.
He still hasn't said anything.
"Fiyero?" she prompts.
He…he doesn't want to say anything. He shouldn't pour all this on her. Then he forgets anything and everything because Elphaba's suddenly throwing up on both their laps.
Shit.
He doesn't know how he does it, but Fiyero manages to grab the small bin they keep in the living room and place it in her line of fire. He automatically holds back the short hair she still has and with one hand and runs the other one up and down her back. He bites the inside of his cheek hard as he feels her protruding spine.
A couple dry heaves later, Elphaba looks up from the bin. "I'm sorry," she gestures to his clothes.
But they're just clothes. "Don't apologize, Fae. Hey, it's ok," he wipes her tears and helps her stand up.
Slowly, they walk to the bathroom and Fiyero starts the shower for her. While she's washing up, Fiyero strips to his underwear and takes both sets of soiled clothes to the laundry. He even manages to clean up the floor before Elphaba comes out of the shower.
"Hon, can I join you?"
"Yeah," she answers.
He takes off his boxers and pulls the curtain back to step in with her.
"To be honest with you, I haven't done anything but stand under the water," she mumbles and sags into him and he wraps his arms around her.
"It's ok," he rests his cheek on top of her head and she wraps her arms around his waist.
He doesn't realize he's shaking, but Elphaba does.
Ooh-ah, soon you'll get better
Ooh-ah, you'll get better soon
'Cause you have to
I know delusion when I see it in the mirror
You like the nicer nurses, you make the best of a bad deal
I just pretend it isn't real
Fiyero stands next to the bed with a smile that isn't all there. His arms are crossed and his eyes go back and forth between Elphaba and Shell, depending on who's talking.
Shell is a very good nurse to Elphaba. He's understanding, he's patient, and he talks to her like a regular person. That's more than he can say for other members of the staff, they stare and dance around her like she's a witch or something simply because her skin is green. They were hesitant to get near her. Shell was kind. Elphaba likes him. Both of them are also from Munchkinland which has allowed them to connect in a way no one understands, Not even Fiyero, and he gets it. He can't imagine having to grow up in a country like that.
"Fiyero, how was the lasagna at the cafeteria?" Shell asks.
"Hmm?"
"The lasagna. Have you had lunch yet?"
"Oh. No, not yet."
"I'm about to get some myself. Wanna walk with me?"
He looks at Elphaba, who nods. "Get some food," she rubs his arm.
"Be right back," he plants a kiss on her beanie and follows Shell out of the room.
"I haven't really gotten the chance to check in with you. Is Elphaba comfortable by the way? I feel like she's too nice to make any complaints."
"Yeah, no, she's comfortable. She's been joking about getting the mattress for our house."
Shell laughs. "And how about the pull out couch? Is that comfortable for you?"
Fiyero just nods. It was a stiff thing, a little too short for someone as tall as him, but if it meant he could sleep overnight with his wife at the hospital, it was worth it. He wasn't going to complain.
"And Elphaba's been here about three-ish weeks, surgery's next week right?"
"Correct."
"Wow, so that means you've also been staying here for three weeks?"
"Mhm."
"Hang on," Shell stops them before they enter the cafeteria. "How…how are you?"
Fiyero snaps out of his small daze. "What?"
"How are you doing? I mean, I can't imagine this has been easy for you."
"Well…it hasn't, but I'm fine," Elphaba was the one suffering more than him, he has no right to complain about anything.
"Ok…but how…" Shell inhales deeply, as if trying to choose the right words. He sees no other way to word it. "How has this made you feel though?"
"I…I don't know."
"I highly doubt that."
"Look, I'd really rather not talk about it today, ok?"
"And will you talk about it any day?"
Fiyero stares at him incredulously. "Why does it matter?"
"Fiyero, your health is important."
"My health?"
"Yes."
"My health? Elphaba's the one with cancer."
"Exactly! Fiyero, your wife has cancer."
"I…" Fiyero's speechless. "I don't…"
"Fiyero, it's ok."
"I…" His breathing accelerates and Shell quickly pulls him into a nearby vacant room.
"Breathe," Shell sits him down on the couch.
All he can think about is Elphaba. His beautiful green girl in a hospital bed, in constant pain, always cold, and yet there's always the biggest smile on her face.
Fiyero breaks down for the first time.
"She…Oz, I love her…I love her…more than life itself and…she - she's lost 30 pounds, most of her hair…she can barely get out of bed, she can't walk by herself, she's hurting 24/7…Elphaba's dying right in front of me," he wipes his tears only for more to fall. "I'm losing her."
"She's been getting stronger though, being here has helped with her symptoms and keeping her hydrated, and it seems like everyone's really optimistic about her upcoming surgery."
"But there's no guarantee! There's no guarantee that she'll be in remission afterwards or that there won't be complications. For all we know removing her uterus results in nothing and then we go through more treatment which I know makes her miserable, or we stop the treatment and I lose her in less than ten years, or she could die on the operating table and I'm not there for her!"
Shell let's Fiyero cry and waits until he starts breathing regularly again to ask, "Have you told Elphaba any of this?"
"No. I…" he sighs.
"You should."
"The last thing she needs is to hear about my dumb problems."
"But Fiyero, they're not dumb. Elphaba may be the one who's sick but you're also suffering, and you have every right to feel this way. And she has the right to know. You've held her when she's cried, do you doubt she'll do the same for you?"
"Of course not."
"Then tell her. Trust me, this is something she should and would want to know."
Fiyero swallows and purses his lips.
"Come on, let's get you some lunch and then walk you back."
They silently get a tray each of the plastic looking lasagna and Shell walks Fiyero back to Elphaba's room, giving him a knowing look before he walks away. Fiyero sighs and goes into her room.
"There you are. I was starting to think you'd decided to eat in the cafeteria."
"No way, we always have lunch together. What did they bring you?"
"Some soup, applesauce, mashed potatoes, and some ice cream."
"Easy to chew."
"Exactly! I won't have to spend 20 minutes cutting everything into small pieces. What did you get?"
"Um," he sits down next to her bed. "Lasagna, peas, garlic bread, and a chocolate chip cookie?"
"Are you sure about that?" Elphaba chuckles.
"I can't tell if it's chocolate chips or raisins," he takes a small bite. "It's chocolate."
She smiles. "Did you and Shell find something to talk about, you know, man to man?
Fiyero freezes for a second before clearing his throat. "Yeah," he shrugged, making it seem like it was nothing all that interesting.
Elphaba nods and takes a couple spoonfuls of her soup before leaning back on her pillows. "You…you want to tell me about it?" she whispers.
He looks at her and sees the smallest hint of guilt in her eyes. "You asked him to talk to me," it's not a question.
"I…I'm worried about you."
He lets out a dry laugh and places his tray of food on top of the drawers next to her bed. He stands up.
"Yero, you…you haven't told me…anything. Not how you're doing, how you feel about this whole thing, don't think I don't realize it and I…I didn't push because I…I figured you'd come to me eventually. But you haven't."
Silence.
"Fiyero, please say something."
"What do you want me to say, Elphaba?
"Anything! Say you're angry, say you hate this, say you hate me for getting cancer for all I care, just say something!
"I love you!"
And I hate to make this all about me
But who am I supposed to talk to?
What am I supposed to do
If there's no you?
"I know that!"
"So this is killing me!"
Neither of them say anything for a minute, then Elphaba speaks. "Don't stop now."
He almost glares at her.
"I didn't mean it sarcastically. I'm serious. Fiyero, do you realize that since my diagnosis last year, this is the most you've said about how you feel. My love…please don't keep it all inside, don't shut me out of this."
He doesn't say anything for a long time, he tries to, but then can't. Eventually, he sits down again and stares straight ahead at the wall. He can't make himself look at Elphaba.
"I…I'm terrified…I hate this. I hate seeing you hurting…and knowing there's nothing I can do except sit there…and somehow make you the tiniest bit comfortable," he swallows. "I'm worried about you every second of every day that I'm at work…I fear that I'm going to get a phone call and then…suddenly you're not here anymore," he vaguely feels her placing a hand on top of his. "And then what?" his voice trembles. "What am I supposed to do if you die Elphaba?" Fiyero presses his palms to his eyes.
Life had dealt him a hard hand, then it gave him the greatest gift. Now it was slowly ripping her away from him and no amount of begging or bargain was going to do anything. And believe him, he'd give up anything for her.
"Come here," Elphaba tightens her hold on his hand. He scoots his chair closer to the bed. Fiyero brings Elphaba's hand up to his lips and kisses her prominent knuckles. Elphaba runs a hand through his hair and lightly tugs at it so he raises his head to look up at her. "I'm scared too, and you know that…and I can't promise you everything's going to be ok. But I can promise you that I'll do anything and everything to fight and stay here with you, you hear me? You heard them, they think they can remove the whole tumor and then it'll just be a matter of recovery."
"It's a 50-50 chance," Fiyero chokes out. "We don't know for sure."
"So if that's the case we keep doing this until somehow the chemo finds the right DNA strand," she places a hand on his cheek. "It sucks, I won't lie to you; I hate it. But Yero, you…I mean, you've been stained with my blood and vomit, you've cleaned my blood and vomit," she chuckles softly. "You sleep on that awful couch just to stay with me. You are the best husband, you're my everything, and I'll be damned if I don't do whatever it takes to stay here with you even if it sucks. It's worth it; I want to live and I want to live my life with you. I love you."
Fiyero starts crying, but he quickly wipes his tears away.
"No, no, you're allowed to cry. You're allowed to be as scared and as angry as I am," he leans in and kisses his hair. "Yero, you don't have to be strong for me or anything like that, I just want you with me, and you've done that with no questions asked. Now, what do you want? Right now, at this moment, do you need or want anything from me?"
"Hold me."
She kisses him softly for a long time, then slowly but surely, Fiyero helps Elphaba walk over to the couch, IVs and all. She sits down on one end and Fiyero lays his head on her lap, wrapping his arms around her stomach. She holds him. She rubs his back and kisses his hair, and holds his hand.
"It's ok," she whispers.
He cries himself to sleep on her lap. But it's the best sleep he's gotten in a long time.
This won't go back to normal
It it ever was
Aside from almost damaging her bladder - dumbasses - Elphaba's surgery goes well.
She stays in the hospital for a few more days while she recovers and the nurses make sure her scar is healing well. Countless scans later, there's no sign of the tumor. Anywhere.
She's in remission.
It doesn't mean they're fully in the clear. Even after she was given the clear to go home, the doctors made sure to explain that it's possible the cancer may come back. But then Elphaba hits a month post surgery with no symptoms. At all. And it makes both of them shed tears of joy.
She opts to do a few more weeks of maintenance chemotherapy to further decrease the chance of a recurrence, and while she does get the side effects from that, there's no sign of any side effects from the cervical cancer.
Some things have changed for good, though, even if Elphaba seems to be safe. Things like her diet being exponentially healthier than it used to be, communicating any aches or pains to Fiyero, and little to no physical activity (her bones and joints aren't as strong anymore).
But they try hard to not focus on the fear. It's easier some days than others, but regardless, Elphaba's thriving. She's happy, and it's all Fiyero wants.
You'll get better soon
It's a few weeks before the school year starts and their household has been flooded with sticky notes.
With Elphaba going back to teaching in person, there's a lot she has to prepare. Lessons she has to plan, tests she has to write, books she has to select, themes she needs to discuss; and for some reason, the woman thinks writing every little thing on an individual sticky note instead of a notebook works better.
Fiyero's been finding sticky notes everywhere. Between the couch cushions, the kitchen cabinets, the pillows, the mirrors, even in shoes. And he wouldn't trade it for the world.
He's in the middle of making a few more edits on an author's debut novel when he hears Elphaba walking into the living room. She must've finished reading.
"Is that important?" she asks.
"Sort of," Fiyero doesn't stop, too in the zone to lose his focus. "It's not due till next week," but apparently it doesn't take that much for his focus to go flying out the window.
A green hand slips under his shirt from behind, devilish fingers trace patterns on his chest. He makes a couple typos and he swallows. He feels her hand rise with every breath he takes.
She kisses his cheek and goosebumps spread all over him. She moves to his jaw, then neck, her other hand sneaking under his shirt as well. A moan escapes him as he drops his head back.
Elphaba chuckles, glancing at his lap for a quick second. "So you still find me attractive?" she places another kiss to his cheek.
He looks up at her. Her hair's slowly growing back and her face is still slightly on the thinner side and by Oz, she was the most beautiful woman in the world. Those dark, almost black eyes, that smile. One word and she has him on his knees, he's a fool for her.
"Always. You're gorgeous my Fae."
"Show me?" her lips find his.
It's been a long time of using only soft touches and kisses. When your partner is in constant pain, extremely fatigued, and there's so much persistent fear, no one is exactly in a romantic mood nor is it the first thing on their minds. And it's not a deal breaker, Oz, Fiyero would abstain for life if it meant Elphaba was still with him.
It didn't mean that the romance had vanished all together. Many things in that aspect of their life had stayed relatively normal, there were many date nights, constant teasing, playful flirting and roasting. But having her touch him like this now, kiss him harder than what's been the norm for some time, it's making him feel these warm and tingling and burning sensations he hasn't felt, to this extreme, for a while. And he's missed it. He's missed making love with her.
Fiyero stands up from his chair and picks her up. Her legs wrap around his waist and he walks them to the bedroom.
There's a lot less clothes and more hungry kisses. He's completely overwhelmed when they finally come together, he has to think of something else to avoid it being over too soon.
"I've got you," he whispers as she lets out soft sounds with every thrust. "You're so beautiful, you feel so good. I love you."
"Mmm, I love you too," she says breathlessly.
Soon Elphaba's moans suddenly turn into laughter.
"What?" he chuckles. It actually wouldn't be the first time this has happened. And he still loves it just like the other times.
"Nothing, it's just," she rubs her nose against his. "You're being so gentle," she pulls him down until their bodies are completely pressed up against each other, encouraging him to let his weight rest on top of her. "Don't get me wrong, it feels amazing, but you're holding back. You don't have to hold back," Elphaba kisses him sweetly, giving his lower lip a bite as she pulls away. "I'm ok, I'm not going to break."
That's right, she won't. His green girl is strong, in every sense of the word.
"I'll tell you if it hurts ok? Now, do I have to get on top, or will you give me what I want?" she challenges.
Fiyero's eyes darken. He locks one of their hands together. He kisses her, then deliberately quickens and hardens his pace until she can't kiss him back. She loses herself in her pleasure, and it turns him on more than he thought was possible.
"What was it you were saying, darling?" he teases.
Soft squeaks, moans, and hands clawing his back is his only response.
Four rounds later, she's straddling and kissing him as he sits with his back on the headboard. She's wearing her underwear and one of his sweaters, he's in his boxers. He groans, almost sobs, as she starts a soft rocking motion, feeling more sensitive than usual.
"You're going to be the death of me."
Elphaba chuckles. "I suppose I can let you catch your breath," she kisses him one more time before rubbing their noses together. "I love you."
"I love you. So much," he takes a deep breath. "Fae?"
"Hmm?"
"I…I hate to ruin the afterglow and annoy you but…are you feeling ok? Does anything hurt?"
She gives him a serious look. "I'm ok, nothing hurts more than normal. But Yero, you don't annoy me, I understand, I do."
"I know I worry a lot," he admits.
"I don't think I would be any different."
"It…it just gives me peace of mind," Fiyero places a kiss on her neck. "To hear you say that you're ok."
"Then I'll say it a million little times if I have to. I will."
Fiyero hugs her tightly. This is another thing that gives him peace of mind, feeling how relaxed she is in his arms, feeling every breath she takes.
"I love you, Yero. My love," she pulls back and cups his cheek. "Thank you, for everything. I can never say it enough. I love you."
Fiyero shakes his head. "You don't have to thank me for anything. I'd do anything for you. I love you too."
She rests her head on his chest for a couple seconds before she shoots up. "We never celebrated our anniversary," which was about a month ago.
Oh. "You're right."
"Do you want to look at ideas with me?"
"Now?" Fiyero whines as she gets off the bed. He reaches for her but she's already far away.
"Why not?"
"Hon, let's just stay in bed for the rest of the day, yeah?"
"Can't we just browse a bit?"
"You can decide this year."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"Are you sure?"
"Should I be worried?"
"Just saying, if you leave it all up to me, we're going to a heck of a lot of literature seminars!" She runs to the living room.
"Wait! I'm coming!" He laughs, he chases her, and catches up with her pretty quickly.
Fiyero hauls her over his shoulder and they laugh together as he walks them over to the living room.
That last scene was for me just cause I'm a sucker for love scenes :)
Any Swifties out there catch all the Taylor references in the past two chapters ? (lucky #, her and Travis, and 11 lyrics [which I admit, some may be a bit of a stretch, but I instantly think of her songs when I hear/see these phrases]) Kudos to you if you see them all :)