XV – "Do I have to?"

Shinji Ikari has never been a perfect student – but it would have been a mistake to call him a poor one, either. He was, as he was prone to be with many things, somewhere in the middle: safely tucked in in a spot that allowed him not to draw too much attention to himself, be it through ineptitude or overachievement. But there were a few things that he always remembered and recalled perfectly – and among those things were facts that made his efforts towards making people happier easier: daily habits, preferred foods, beloved beverages, important events to celebrate… Some people, of course, would call that a tendency to please people that always goes too far for his own good – but few voiced this opinion loud enough for him to hear. And if anyone did, he would always claim that making people he cared about happy made him happy.

And so, he was listening to Kyoko Zeppelin Soryu intently, absorbing all the little but important details she was sharing, all because they were about Asuka: a detailed recipe for a cake whose name he did not even try to pronounce, small stories of her childhood that explained this and that in her behaviour, the date of her birthday, and many, many other, minuscule but important titbits.

What made him confused was the fact that he did not ask for most of them – Doctor Soryu offered them freely. He could find a few reasons for that, of course, but since he had so much to absorb and his host's ability to talk fast was quite similar to Asuka's, he put his ponderings aside – and focused on committing everything to memory.

After all, it was quite reasonable to assume that Asuka's mother would only want the best for her.

...

Meanwhile, at the NERV HQ

"Let me guess… the visiting hours are about to begin?" Misato asked with a raised eyebrow as she noticed her door opening.

"Yes, and don't give me that eye. I was at school today", Asuka objected as she set a takeout box down on her desk. "Here. Little birds told me you weren't eating, and doctors say it's a shit way to lose weight. If you want to stay alive, that is."

"Thanks", Misato let out a sigh, not paying any attention to the subtext of Asuka's words. "But don't tell me that the school day was shortened when I was not looking."

"Yeah, I claimed NERV business to get out early", Asuka admitted with a shrug. "I can catch up with Maths once this madness is done, no sweat. And I don't need PE, I'm at the top of the class and can only get better by training here. Really, none of us should be doing those classes, anyway", she added with a shrug and continued before Misato could react. "And now, if you excuse me, I have a certain idiot to tend to, and my own lunch to eat. Oh, and I fed Pen Pen in the morning, so you don't need to rush home. Unless you want to, you know, sleep like a human being instead of under your desk."

"Thanks again", Misato smiled a weak smile. "I'll try."

"Don't mention it. And I hope you will. See you later", Asuka declared, turned around in a single spin, and left.

Misato let out another sigh, this time tinted with relief that Asuka did not ask about the progress of the operation, saving her from having to lie about it.

She just shook the thought off just as quickly as it appeared to avoid sinking into a pit of despair again – and opened the box holding her first meal of the day, quietly blessing her charge's surprising thoughtfulness.

...

"Do you have any further questions, Shinji-kun?" Kyoko asked after a few moments after finishing her lecture.

"I don't think so…" he replied after a moment of thought. "Thank you, Doctor. I just… I just hope Asuka will want to talk to me."

"Oh, don't worry about that. You're a good boy, Shinji-kun. And she cares about you, more than you can imagine", Kyoko smiled, making Shinji suddenly realise how her expressions were similar to Asuka's – and how much he missed the sight of Asuka's smile. "I know she isnot best at showing that", she paused, a small twitch passing through her face, "but I assure you: she does. Just be the caring man you are, be strong, and it will be all right. I never pry into her thoughts and emotions, but what she thought of openly… let's say I know what I'm talking about", she explained, her smile widening a bit and gaining a slightly embarrassed undertone.

"I'll do my best", he reassured her with a nod and a slight blush appearing on his face. 'And I really hope you're right, ma'am' sprang to his mind quietly. 'Because if you're not, you would have wasted a lot of your time…'

"I'm sure you will. And I know Asuka will be receptive", Kyoko reassured him as she poured him another cup of tea. "And now, while we still have time… could you tell me something?"

"Um… sure?" he readily agreed, his voice confused.

"How is the world outside right now?" Kyoko asked, her voice now curious. "I only get to see it through the eyes of my Unit when we are deployed, which, as you can imagine, is somewhat biased and quite limited. And, of course, through what Asuka is broadcasting when she's inside me", she paused for a moment, realising how odd – and vaguely Freudian – this sounded and resumed as she quickly concluded that she had no better term at hand, "and, let's be honest, a lot of those thoughts were about you, not the world", she explained.

Shinji's blush grew a bit more. "I'm sorry, I hope this is not something that you don't want to see."

"Is there anything I should not want to see, Shinji-kun?" Kyoko asked with a suddenly sly smile.

Shinji's blush immediately turned into a fully red face, as much as it was possible with his complexion, creeping up his ears just as quickly. His hitherto slightly embarrassed expression changed into a full panic as he vehemently waved his hands. "No, ma'am! Nothing! No!"

"You fluster far too easily, Shinji-kun", Kyoko chuckled. "Don't worry, didn't I already tell you? I know that you'll treat Asuka well and that would never hurt her. So… tell me about how the world changed? Did it recover?"

Shinji took a deep breath, gave Kyoko a thankful look – and started talking.

...

A little while later

Shinji noticed his mother the moment she emerged from the mansion; Kyoko followed his gaze and smiled. "Seems we'll have to finish later", she commented. "Thank you for indulging me, Shinji-kun. I still miss the outside world, no matter how horrid it became during my adult life. I'm happy to hear it is somewhat getting better. Angels notwithstanding, that is."

"It was my pleasure, Doctor Soryu", Shinji smiled.

Kyoko smiled at him and turned to face approaching Yui. "How did it go, Ikari? Do you need assistance?"

"No", Yui shook her head. "I know what I needed to know… and I have some bad news and some good news", she admitted with a tight expression. "We can send you back", she said as she turned to Shinji, taking his hand.

"But?" Kyoko asked in his stead.

"But we have to do it soon", Yui continued. "The longer an unattached – that means, not one currently incarnated – soul remains here, the more it becomes suffused with what this place is, and sooner or later, it will be tied too much to leave. You, me, or our… other guest are likely affected to a far lesser degree, if at all, because we have inviolably strong anchors in our own Eva bodies – but all you have right now", she turned back to Shinji, "is a mass of LCL held together by a decaying AT Field. Most likely decaying, since the mind is here, that is."

"So…" Shinji pondered for a moment, trying to ignore a cold ball growing in his stomach. "If I don't leave soon, I'll die?" he asked in a forcibly calm tone.

"You're not going to die, not in the regular sense of the word", Yui shook her head. "I will not bother you with Metaphysical Biology and its theoretical background, but in short, death as you understand it is an illusion, nothing but a step along a path. And it doesn't apply here… not in your situation. The problem is that what would happen to you is worryingly close: you wouldlose your body cohesion and become a part of this mindscape. Should it ever… end for any reason, you would indeed die. Possibly with soul damage, too, and this is a fate to be avoided at all cost."

"Can this process be reversed?" Kyoko interjected, her expression now focused.

"I don't know. I don't think so", Yui admitted with a hint of annoyance in her tone. "Not here. Perhaps through time outside, as the soul bleeds the influence, yes. But it can be slowed down. First and foremost, stop eating and drinking anything", she cautioned Shinji. "This willgive us more time."

"He's still breathing", Kyoko reminded.

"I'm aware", Yui agreed. "But I'm quite sure that this is far less of a factor – food and drink are far more important culture-wise… and symbolically, of course. And this is what matters here, primarily. There are not many things that would be more binding, but let's not discuss them now. But regardless of how we slow it down, I still want to try the expulsion procedure soon."

"But… Mom…" Shinji's stomach twisted as he listened; his voice was starting to shake. "I… just came here, and…"

"Believe me, I already thought of that", Yui replied as she squeezed his hand tightly. "I just got you back, and I have so much to tell you, to ask of you. But waiting too long may kill you, and this is not a risk I'm going to take."

"Let me guess, there's no reliable way of measuring this effect?" Kyoko interjected. "Sorry, of course there's none", she answered herself, "you'd be doing it right now otherwise."

"Well, I am a bit ahead of you", Yui replied with a small smile. "There is something to measure, and you do it by looking deep into the subject's eyes… and I did it a moment ago."

"Right", Kyoko nodded with understanding. "Window to the soul, right?"

"Exactly. You still have some time, by my reckoning", she turned to Shinji again, "but we're talking hours, not days. Beyond that, your soul is in danger."

"I… I'm sorry, Mom, this… this is a bit…"

"…overwhelming?" she finished for him.

"Strange? Crazy?" he tried.

"I'm sorry, Shinji", she smiled a sad smile. "This is your legacy, whether you wish it or not. I truly hoped I would bear most of the burden, and you'd simply live in a better world, but threads of Fate weave in the strangest ways, and Powers… they rarely care about what we wish for. But we still have a moment, I will be checking on you constantly", she paused and turned to Kyoko. "Can you give us a moment?"

"Of course", Kyoko nodded and turned to Shinji. "Thank you, Shinji-kun. I hope I'll see you again… and please, take good care of Asuka."

"I will", Shinji confirmed with a smile.

"Speaking of which… could I perhaps see your eyes before you leave?" Kyoko paused. "Ikari? Could you show me what to look for?"

"Ah. Yes", Yui nodded – and did her best to describe the symptoms. A few minutes later, Kyoko was walking toward the treeline, leaving mother and son alone at the now-empty table.

"Mom… is there no other way?" Shinji turned to Yui.

"I wish there was, dear", Yui replied as she pulled him into a hug without a second thought the moment Kyoko was out of sight. "I'm sorry", she whispered into his hair. "I'll still be able to contact you once you're in the Plug, and you'll be able to reply in your thoughts. This… this will have to do, at least until we find another way."

"You mean… a way to pull me here safely?" Shinji asked as he embraced her; he tried to ignore the fact that his voice was shaking.

"No, Shinji-dear", Yui smiled. "If all goes right, and I do mean all of it, then perhaps we will be able to leave. But this will take a lot of work, some luck, and I will need your help, too. But then… then we're going to have all the time in the world."

"How could I possibly help?" Shinji asked, his voice confused. "I'm just a boy."

"And a pilot, and you're my son", Yui countered as she pulled away a bit to look into his eyes. "It'll become clear in time. I believe there are still a few Angels that have to be defeated, and I'll be at your side so you can get through that. And Doctor Soryu will help Asuka, too. We'll get through that."

Shinji smiled and nodded – but after a few moments, his brow furrowed. "And who is helping Ayanami? Who is helping her? I mean… someone has to be inside Unit-00, right?"

"It's… complicated", Yui admitted, looking aside. "She is… helping herself, so to say. You see, the soul inside has to be someone close to the pilot. For you and Asuka, this is me and Doctor Soryu. For her… I believe it is herself. There are, so to say, two of them. I'm afraid we don't have time to explain that better… but I think you should try to befriend Ayanami. I think she… needs that. And she's a fellow pilot."

"I'm not very good with friends, Mom", Shinji objected. "And… Asuka would murder me. Creatively and viciously. And she would be in her rights to do so."

"You're selling yourself short, Shinji. And I don't think she's that bad", Yui chuckled. "Besides, I'm not telling you to date Rei. It would be a horrible idea, indeed, for a… few reasons. I'm saying you should do a Pilot Night Out… well, Pilot Café Party, perhaps, more appropriately", she corrected herself with a smile. "I'm sure you'll think of something."

Shinji nodded – and squeezed Yui's hands. "I love you, Mom. I want to stay, to talk, to–" his voice shaking more and more with every word.

"Shh", she pulled him to her chest and hugged him tightly. "Don't talk. I love you, too, Shinji… and I'll bring that bright future you deserve. With your help, with Soryu's help… I promise."

Shinji did not reply; he was not really listening anymore, he was just desperately taking in the last moments of something he had lost forever, miraculously regained – and was about to lose again.

He did not know for how long he stayed like that; time mattered little here, as it seemed. She was talking to him, reminiscing things of the short time they had; he, obviously, did not remember anything of this – but it did not matter. He once remembered that soothing voice – and now he was hearing it again.

And for once, he felt safe again.

...

"It's time, Shinji", broke him out of this blissful mood.

"I'm ready, Mom", he declared after a few long moments, his voice still weak.

Yui smiled a sad smile at him; her own eyes were telling a story of her emotions – and her self-control.

"Let get you out, Shinji", she said – and a moment of ministrations later, assisted by now-returned Kyoko, he felt a sudden dizziness; his last sensation was a feeling of letting go of the hand he was holding.

And then he just kept falling.