7 / Weathering the Storm
Tanalorr
9 BBY
The rain pelted down relentlessly, cold and sharp, as though it were icicles falling from the sky. Cal sprinted towards the mouth of the cave he had spied on their way down the mountain path. No sooner had he crossed into the dry safety of the cave than Merrin appeared next to him in a puff of green smoke. Cal looked at her with an unamused expression, hair and clothes dripping, and she smiled smugly at him.
"I could teach you, you know." She reminded him.
"No, thanks. I'll just deal with freezing my ass off getting soaked running around in the icy downpour."
"Don't be sarcastic, Cal, it's not you."
Cal shook the excess water from his hair with his hand, secretly hoping some of it would hit Merrin. The two of them had been alone on the south side of Santari's Peak scouting out new terrain when the storm had hit almost out of nowhere. The unusual cloud patterns on Tanalorr made the weather difficult to predict. Rainfall was frequent, but they hadn't seen a tempest like this before. An ominous clap of thunder sounded above them and caused them both to look up at the darkening sky.
"Who would've thought this place would have such vicious storms?" Cal remarked.
"I suppose even paradise must have its dark side."
"Hmm."
Merrin turned into the cave and peered into its depths. Cal removed his jacket and shook the water from it. It was a good thing he wore his leather one today – at least it would dry quickly. Merrin moved her arms in a circular motion and summoned a green ball of Magick, sending it into the darkness to reveal more of the tunnel.
"I cannot see the back of the cave," Merrin noted. "We should make sure there is nothing lurking in here we would be unwise to disturb."
"Good idea. I'm gonna contact the others to let them know where we are."
"Yes, you should do that."
Cal turned on his commlink.
"Greez, you read me?"
"... eah, barely, kid," Greez's staticky voice came through in Cal's ear. "You two alright out there?"
"bwee-doop!" BD-1 also came through on the comms.
"We're fine, we found shelter in a cave, but we're stranded by the storm. You guys ok?"
"Ye... e're fine Cal, we took shelter in the Temple. Don't worry ab... us, just stay where you are until it's over."
"Will do. I'll keep this channel open."
"Ok...ay safe out there, kid."
Cal switched off his comms again and followed Merrin into the cave, putting his jacket back on. The cavern appeared to be deceptively deep, but not overly wide.
"I guess we should check it out."
"After you, Jedi."
Cal lead the way further into the cave, the loud hammering of the rainfall gradually fading into the distance and the sound of their footsteps on the rocky floor beginning to echo. They didn't have to walk far before they hit the back without encountering anything hostile.
"I'm almost disappointed it's empty."
"Cal."
He turned to see Merrin examining the wall of the cave. He walked over to join her and saw what she was looking at: there were drawings on the surface of the rock. It was difficult to see in the low green light of Merrin's hovering Magick, but Cal could make out the symbol that represented the Jedi Order.
"We're not the first ones to come here." He observed.
He looked around them and noticed the remnants of a campfire in the middle of the cavern that looked like it had been there for a very long time. He knelt down and reached out his hand to touch the ashen remains, closing his eyes and exhaling deeply as he connected with the Force. His eyes flew open as the echo was projected around him, as it had a few times since he'd first learned of Tanalorr. He stood and slowly circled the scene to observe.
"What do you see?" Merrin asked.
"Dagan Gera and Santari Khri. They weathered a storm here, too, a long time ago."
He watched with interest as the two Jedi laughed and conversed whilst leaving their markings on the cave wall.
"Do you think the younglings will like it here?" Santari asked.
"Tanalorr is a paradise," Dagan replied. "There is no better place to shape the minds of the future."
"The storms were an unexpected surprise."
"At least it gives us a moment together."
The echo dissipated and Cal found himself becoming lost in his thoughts. He couldn't believe how quickly things had turned for them. They seemed so content here, happy even, only a short while before the Marauders attacked and Dagan turned to the Dark Side. It made him think about the recent events of their own lives, and how quickly things had taken a turn for them, too. It was hard to believe it had only been two short months since they first came to Tanalorr. It made his head spin to think about.
"Are you alright?" Merrin asked, seeing his forlorn expression.
Cal hesitated before answering.
"Yeah, I'm fine."
He had said those words a lot recently, and the more Merrin heard them, the less she believed him. Ever since Nova Garon, she had lived with a growing fear that she never had before then: the fear that she would lose him to the Darkness. She knew he had always had a proclivity towards anger; that he had always struggled with his attachments to those he cares for, and his fear of them coming to harm. But what had happened at Nova Garon was different, it felt different. What she'd seen him do, what she saw him turning into, had scared her. She had talked him down, but she wasn't sure if she'd be able to again.
"Are you ok?"
Cal's voice snapped Merrin from her thoughts and she managed a small smile.
"Yes."
She wondered if either of them would ever be honest about how they were feeling.
Cal looked around the area and spied some wood that must have blown in from outside. He examined it to make sure it was dry enough to burn and set about building a small fire. The chill in the air was starting to take hold and his damp clothes were not helping. Once he was done, Merrin lit the fire with her Magick and Cal rubbed his hands together, warming them over the flames. Merrin continued to examine the drawings and Cal joined her once he could feel his fingers again.
He studied the drawings more closely with the light from the fire now making it much easier to see. They were crude and faded with time, but he could make out two figures beneath the Jedi symbol he'd noticed earlier. He supposed these were meant to be Dagan and Santari, though if he hadn't known, they could've been anyone. There was a childlike quality to it, a whimsical energy. It was a remnant from a happier, simpler time before an unforseen event that ultimately tore them apart across centuries.
"You know," Cal began. "I couldn't understand before why Santari didn't turn Dagan over to the Jedi Council. Why she left him in that bacta tank for me to eventually find, and lead us here."
Merrin watched his face as he spoke, his eyes far away in the past.
"But after everything I've learned, I understand now. She couldn't turn him in, because despite everything he did, what he became, she still..."
Cal's voice trailed off, deep in thought.
"She loved him." Merrin stated.
Cal looked at her and nodded slowly.
"And he loved her. They knew it was forbidden for them, but they loved each other anyway, knowing it was something they could never have."
Merrin thought on this for a moment.
"Why were attachments forbidden for the Jedi?"
Cal's eyes wandered, contemplating how to answer her question.
"The Council believed that attachment, possession, fear of loss, were all paths to the Dark Side. That these things were dangerous for Jedi, and they weren't wrong, but... you can't stop people from feeling the things they feel. It isn't within our control. What is within our control is how we react to those emotions, and some of us are less disciplined than others."
Cal smiled sadly at Merrin, understanding the parallel he was drawing to himself and his own failure to control his emotions.
"It seems a lonely path." Merrin observed.
"Well, it was," Cal agreed. "That's probably a reason why many Jedi took on Apprentices: to make it less lonely."
Merrin nodded thoughtfully. She never understood the strange ways of the Jedi and their need for order and structure. So much about her life had been chaos that she couldn't imagine it any other way.
"Merrin..."
She looked up at Cal who looked like he was struggling with what he wanted to say.
"I know everything has changed and nothing is as simple as it used to be, but..." Cal reached out and gently took her hand in his. "I can't ignore what I feel."
Merrin took a moment before responding.
"I know, Cal, and nor can I," She paused a moment. "The grief I feel for Cere still festers in my heart, as I'm sure it does for you..."
Cal's face fell at the mention of Cere. The deep sadness and regret he still felt at her death and the part of him that felt responsible for it all, despite both Merrin and Greez's assurances that it was not his fault.
"... But I do not believe she would want us to live the rest of our lives in mourning. She would want us to find happiness, and purpose again, whatever that means for us."
Cal nodded in agreement.
"I think you're right. I don't know what the future holds for us here, but... I know I see a future with you. Whatever that looks like, it doesn't matter, as long as we're together."
Cal reached up with his other hand and ran it over Merrin's shoulder gently. He took a deep breath and looked into her eyes.
"I love you, Merrin. I always have, and... I always will."
He said the words so easily, like breathing, knowing that she was already aware of how he felt. And she was aware; she had been for some time. As much as he tried to conceal his emotions, he so often wore them on his sleeve. Merrin smiled at him sweetly.
"I know, Cal. I have always known, but I need you to promise me something."
"Anything."
Merrin's brows furrowed and her smile disappeared.
"If you ever feel you are losing control, if you feel yourself slipping away, you will tell me. You will not shut me out when you are struggling. You will not give in to anger and despair, you will fight the Darkness when you feel it take hold. When you lose your way, you will allow me to guide you back. Promise me this."
Cal looked down for a moment, taking in her words, then back at her face. He reached up to place his hand in the crook of her jaw and stroke the tattoo across her cheek with his thumb softly, hoping to smooth her worried expression. He looked into her eyes deeply.
"I promise."
Merrin believed the sincerity in his voice, that he had heard her and understood the weight of the promise he was making.
"I will hold you to that, Cal Kestis."
Cal nodded in understanding. After everything that had happened, he knew he probably didn't deserve to ask for her love, and he wasn't about to squander this chance she had given him. He owed it to her, and Greez, and Cere, and now Kata too, to do better – to be better. They needed him just as much as he needed them.
"You won't lose me, Merrin. I swear."
Merrin smiled once more and she gripped his chin and pulled him in, closing the distance between them to kiss him. It felt different than it had on Jedha; so much had changed since then. They had changed. Cal's struggle with the Darkness, Merrin's fear, their shared grief and pain... they had once again suffered a profound loss from which they would never recover. But at least this time they had each other, and what remained of their family. Together, there was no storm they couldn't weather.
Jedi and Nightsister sat together by the fire, her head resting on his shoulder and his arm around her, gazing into the flames. The silence between them had been long, but comfortable. The storm still raged outside, the sky now pitch black, except for when the occasional bright flash lit up the cave's entrance, followed shortly by the rolling thunder. In between, no sounds filled the cave but the rain, the crackling fire and their steady breathing.
Cal watched as the flames danced and flickered, lost in his thoughts. He remembered what Merrin said on Jedha, about fire consuming everything in its path. He had understood the point she'd been trying to make; that he could not spend the rest of his life simply fighting. That eventually, it would turn him into someone he wouldn't recognise. Though it seemed – despite his efforts to change his course and throw his energy into something more productive – that had happened in spite of him. He had felt his fire burning a little too bright of late, fuelled by his anger and hatred, his need for vengeance the only thing driving him forward. And now, when all was said and done and they had found Tanalorr and begun to rebuild their lives, he had felt that fire begin to burn out.
"I hope you are not brooding again, Jedi." Merrin was the first to break the silence.
Cal chuckled.
"I was just thinking about that cave on Jedha. This is becoming a habit for us."
"Yes. We would make excellent meteorologists."
Cal's shoulders shook as he laughed softly and Merrin was glad to hear the sound. It was silent again for a long moment.
"I think about that night on Jedha often." Merrin admitted.
"So do I."
"I had missed you. I often wondered where you were, what you were doing, if you were thinking of me."
"I thought about you all the time. It never felt right, all of us... being apart." Cal lamented.
"No... it did not," Merrin agreed. "Being back together after so long, it made me realise how lonely my journey had been at times."
"It was a path you had to walk alone. None of us could walk it for you."
"Yes. But even so, there were many things I wished I could have shared with you."
"I feel the same. But we have time now to share new things together."
"Yes, we do."
Merrin reached down and rested her hand on Cal's leg and he pulled her in closer, moving his hand down from her shoulder to grip her waist and resting his head atop hers. They both sighed contentedly, enjoying their closeness. The rain still pelted heavily outside and Cal hoped it would never stop; he wanted to stay in that cave with her forever.
"Cal?"
"Merrin."
She huffed a laugh at his response before lifting her head to look at him, the Jedi unable to read her expression.
"I am glad you came back to Dathomir, even though I tried to kill you."
Cal chuckled at her blunt way of putting things.
"So am I."
Merrin smiled and tilted her head up to kiss him again, but this time the kiss did not end. A sense of urgency overtook them both as their lips touched, like it was both the first and last time. As they pulled each other in closer, Cal became acutely aware of every sensation. The softness of Merrin's lips against his and the heat of her breath, every contour of her body as his hands roamed. He was thinking things he knew he shouldn't be thinking, feeling things he knew he shouldn't feel. This desire, this longing, this primal need that he felt to be close to her, were things that he'd had drilled in his head all his life were wrong to feel; dangerous.
But it didn't feel wrong now as Merrin climbed into his lap and pushed his leather jacket from his shoulders and he shook it to the floor. It didn't feel wrong as he wrapped his arms around her and felt her long fingers tangling in his hair. It felt good, and natural, and right. In that moment, Cal couldn't help but feel their destinies were intertwined, that the Force had brought them together on Dathomir. That they were exactly where they were meant to be, despite everything the Galaxy had thrown at them. How could he not fall for her? This dark, beautiful, powerful witch who'd cast a spell on him from their very first meeting.
Merrin swiftly shed her own jacket and tossed it behind Cal, then the Jedi exclaimed in surprise as she pulled him to the floor with her with surprising force. He chuckled into their kiss, but quickly recovered. The feeling of their bodies pressed together soon had his mind wandering with impure thoughts once more. The heat of their passion was intoxicating. He could no longer feel the cold or the sorrow; everything ceased to exist but the two of them. He felt his body reacting to her touch – her hands that were usually so deadly, yet now so gentle with him. The sweet sounds escaping her parted lips were eroding what was left of his self-control. He could feel where this was going, but he pulled away from her, not wanting to go further without saying the words. They both opened their eyes and he stared deeply into hers.
"Are we doing this?" He asked breathlessly.
"Yes, Cal." Merrin replied with a nod.
That was all the assurance he needed to capture her mouth once more. He wanted to be with her, to be one with her. He wanted to feel every inch of her pale skin against his, to explore her body. He wanted to hear her voice sigh his name. He wanted to do unspeakable things with her in this cave where no one could find them. Where there was no Empire, no Jedi Order, where there was only them and their love.
They fell into a blissful embrace, leaving the worries of their world behind for a while. The Galaxy could wait until tomorrow, for now they would have tonight.