Simon was completely out of his depth here. He was the funny sidekick, not anyone's emotional backbone. It was different with Clary, because they knew everything about each other. Comforting her was easy. But Alec was just so… Alec. He was like how a kid saw an authority figure, like a teacher or principal. They were there to be dependable, but when you finally recognized them as regular people, it was jarring. Alec wasn't supposed to hurt, he was supposed to watch over everyone and make sure they didn't hurt. But maybe that was the problem.

Who was there for Alec when he needed it? Admittedly he hadn't been around a lot, but it usually seemed like Alec was the one who supported others, instead of the other way around. He was the leader, the one who put everything on his own shoulders. Simon had snapped at Jace back in the early days of their acquaintance that he'd treated his friend like a lap dog, but maybe that had been truer than he realized. This was probably the longest amount of time he'd spent with Alec one on one, and Simon still had figured out that something was wrong with Alec in mere minutes. Where was everyone else? Why were they letting him out here to hunt alone? Why weren't they helping him?

"Just let me try, okay? I've heard that I'm very easy to vent to," Simon said, trying to get Alec to open up.

"There's no point," Alec whispered. He was still trapped in Simon's hold, but he wasn't struggling to get away anymore. Simon wasn't sure how to feel about that, but he would stay like this for as long as it took.

"Come on, you can talk to me. I know you don't really like me, but that's okay. I'm used to people not liking me, but that's never stopped me from doing things before," Simon babbled, hoping that if he could get Alec talking that something would naturally slip out.

"I'm sorry I never gave you a chance," Alec said quietly, shaking his head.

"What?" Simon asked in surprise. That had been a turn he wasn't expecting.

"I can see you're a good person, vampire, whatever. You've never deserved me being rude to you."

"Why are you saying this? I mean, I would've appreciated it in another setting, but it doesn't feel right here," Simon mumbled, frowning in confusion. "Are you just trying to butter me up to get me to leave you alone?"

"No."

"Then why are you saying this now? Like, do you really want to become friends or are you just making amends? You kind of sound like you're getting your affairs in order, like you're saying-" Simon cut off, going rigid against Alec's back. Again, he had to be wrong with what he was thinking, but his gut told him that he wasn't. And there was no use beating around the bush about it anymore. "Was that a goodbye?"

Alec was lost. It's a weird feeling you get after you're sure you're going to die, but don't. He'd had a few of those experiences before, during some of his more dangerous missions as a shadowhunter. Back then, there had been so much relief, knowing he'd done his job and lived to fight another day. Especially with his family by his side pulling through as well. Nothing felt better than knowing the people he cared for were safe.

But right now, he didn't know how he felt. It was like his spirit had already passed on and left him and now all that was left was his empty shell. Like he'd gone through the final honors of a shadowhunter and the husk of his body was left behind. But he shouldn't be here for this part.

"I can't do this anymore," Alec murmured, feeling his systems shut down as he stood in this forced embrace with Simon.

"What? Shadowhunter stuff? I'm sure you could take a break for a while, right? Do you guys ever go on vacation?" Simon wondered.

"I mean anything. I can't," Alec said simply. There was no one issue he couldn't overcome. It was just an all encompassing inability to do anything.

"Um, okay. So what do I do? How do I help?" Simon asked.

"You let me go and forget you ever saw me," Alec suggested, even though he wasn't sure if his legs would hold his weight without the added support. And the last thing he needed was to crumple to the ground at Simon's feet.

"No, I can't do that. That's the absolute worst thing I could do right now," Simon replied, shaking his head against Alec's back. "We'll just stay like this until you're okay again, no matter how long it takes. And I'm immortal, so I have all the time in the world." An immortal, just like Magnus. He was supposed to be with Magnus forever, or however long his natural life lasted. But he'd ruined it.

"Don't bother," Alec mumbled.

"I thought you'd learned by now not to challenge an immortal's patience. It really is the stuff of legends. Hasn't Magnus-" Alec didn't let Simon finish his sentence, feeling a surge of energy flow through him. He bucked back, knocking Simon away from him. Alec spun around, tilting a little before regaining his balance.

"Don't say his name," Alec growled, glaring down at the shorter man. Simon held his hands up in surrender, paling even more, if that was possible.

"Okay, okay," Simon agreed quickly. "But do you want to talk about it?"

"More talking. What does talking do? The more you open up, the more people have to use against you!"

"What?"

"I might not have been happy in a way that's acceptable to other people, but I wasn't like this. Is this supposed to be better? Do I look better?" Alec asked, spreading his arms wide to his sides.

"Well, I mean-"

"Who am I? Really look at me and tell me what you see," Alec challenged. He knew how he saw himself, but how did others see him? Would people admit that he was lacking in all areas? Would they try to pretend that he wasn't a failure?

"You-you're Alec. I mean, I don't know you that well, but you seem like a good guy," Simon offered, shrugging his shoulders a little.

"You want me to tell you who I am?" Alec asked, stalking closer until he was right in front of Simon. "I'm a murderer."

"What? What are you talking about?" Simon exclaimed, rearing back a little in discomfort.

"Jocelyn was like a second mother to you, wasn't she?" Alec said, letting the words rumble out from low in his chest.

"Stop it," Simon whispered, pursing his lips as his eyes filled with tears.

"You want me to tell you how I killed her? How I put my hand through her chest as she begged for her life?"

"Stop it."

"Or maybe you want to hear how good it felt. How much I enjoyed it."

"Stop it!"

Simon stood still in his fury, feeling his fangs pop out and his fists clenched tightly at his sides. How dare he? No matter what Alec was going through, he had no right to say those things about Jocelyn. About Clary's mother. They had never held what happened against Alec, knowing that it was a demon's fault. Especially after what Alec tried to do at that party not long after. So why was he pretending like it was his doing? What would he gain from making Simon hate him? Why was he-

Alec's quiet chuckle broke Simon from his thoughts and clarity slammed back into him. Alec was no longer standing in front of him, but sprawled on the ground at his feet. Simon flashed back momentarily to the spark of rage he felt hearing Alec's words, losing control of his actions and shoving Alec to the ground.

"Oh no, oh my- shit!" Simon shouted, kneeling down to check over Alec. He knew he had vampire strength, but that push shouldn't have done any real damage. A couple of steps back in surprise at most. But Simon could smell the blood.

"What are you waiting for?" Alec taunted, shakily propping himself up on his elbows. He reached a hand back to touch the back of his head, presenting trembling, bloody fingers in Simon's face. "Do it."

"What the hell, no!" Simon choked out. Feeding off Alec was the last thing on his mind. Truthfully, the bloodlust should be taking over all of his senses right now, but he wasn't tempted in the slightest. All he could think about was how wrong this all was.

"It's okay. I want you to," Alec whispered.

"I'm not going to help you kill yourself!" Simon screeched, grabbing Alec around his collar and giving him a little shake. Alec was almost fully limp in his hold, his head flopping with the movement.

"Why not? Why won't you help me?" Alec gasped, closing his eyes as his chin rested against his chest.

"I will help you, okay? I promise," Simon said with determination. There had to be a reason that Simon was the one who found Alec out here tonight. He wasn't always the type to read into things or see signs where they didn't exist, but he was running with the idea right now. This responsibility had been placed on him and Simon would not fail.

Simon hoisted Alec back up to his feet, throwing one of his arms over his shoulders to support some of Alec's weight. The taller man was increasingly shaky on his feet, thanks in part to the new head wound Simon had given him, among other things.

"What? Where-"

"I'm taking you back to my place for now," Simon said, leaving no room for argument. He'd just pick Alec up and run him there if he tried to put up a fight. Simon stooped down to grab Alec's abandoned weapons as well, knowing that if Alec got better that he'd want them back. No, not if, when. When he got better.