Simon blinked in shock at the surprise guest. He probably should've heard him coming, but he'd been too distracted by Alec spiralling again. There had been such good progress, but one bad thought brought the whole card tower tumbling down. And now that Magnus had shown up, Simon was convinced that this would lead to something even worse.
He knew that Alec was going to have to face his life sooner or later, but this felt too soon. And even though Simon had been eager to leave Alec in the care of his loved ones, now that Magnus had shown up, he wanted nothing more than to spirit Alec away to protect him from everything. At least until Simon knew he was strong enough to deal.
And there was still a tiny part of Simon that was furious that Alec had been able to get to this point without anyone realizing. He knew that it was probably unfair, but this last night and morning had put him firmly on Team Alec and he wouldn't stand for seeing anyone hurt him. No matter how much Alec blamed himself.
Alec and Magnus were staring at each other in silence, but Simon could hear the halting breaths stuttering out of Alec. They were probably both wondering how much of that last outburst Magnus had heard. It definitely wasn't the best way for all of this to come out, but at least now Alec couldn't pretend nothing was going on. And Simon was sort of relieved to not be alone in this now. It was too heavy for him to deal with himself.
"Alexander?" Magnus whispered, taking a small step forward before stopping. "What-"
"Magnus," Alec mumbled, blinking rapidly before pressing his lips together. It was only the fact that Simon had seen Alec so low for so long that he noticed the subtle changes happening before his eyes. His spine got a bit straighter and his shoulders pulled back a little. His jaw set and he held his head higher. Simon finally saw how Alec had gotten away with this act for so long.
"What happened?" Magnus asked, looking him over in concern.
"Nothing to worry about," Alec brushed off, no longer sounding seconds away from a breakdown. Simon wanted to scream at whoever was the catalyst for Alec having to learn how to put on this charade. "Just a bit of a tricky patrol. Nothing I couldn't handle."
"Alec," Simon muttered, shaking his head in disappointment.
"Simon was there and helped out. That's why I'm here," Alec said, nodding his thanks.
"Alexander, I heard you. What were you talking about?" Magnus asked.
"I'm not sure what you heard, but it was nothing," Alec brushed off.
"Alec, you can't do this," Simon whispered. He didn't want to be the one to blow this whole thing out in the open, but he would if Alec tried to pretend everything was okay. He couldn't let Alec go on like he had.
"I'm not doing anything. Thank you for your help last night, but I've got to get going back to the institute. If they've sent Magnus out to look for me, they must need me for something important."
"No one knows where you are?" Magnus asked, and Simon wanted to shake him. For a billion year old warlock, he sure did have terrible timing. And knew just the wrong thing to say.
"It's still early. I bet everyone is asleep," Simon threw out. It wasn't true and everyone recognized the lie, but he still had to try.
"It's fine," Alec shrugged off, shooting Simon a knowing smile. That was just showing Alec that his bad thoughts were true.
"But Magnus is here."
"Right. What was it you needed? Something you forgot to bring up at the meeting?" Alec asked. "I'd be happy to set up a time when you can bring up your concerns."
"I'm concerned about you," Magnus replied, and Simon could see the little waver in Alec's defenses. They had talked a bit about the people in Alec's life, but the Magnus topic had been mostly avoided. There weren't any details about their relationship readily given up, but Simon knew they cared about each other. It was obvious whenever he saw them and he knew that a breakup wouldn't change that. At least not so soon.
"Unnecessary. As you can see, I'm fine." Alec obviously hadn't seen his reflection recently, because he wouldn't be saying that with so much confidence if he had. He was giving Raphael a run for his money in the pale department and his hair was sticking up every which way. The dark circles under his eyes weren't helping either.
On the other hand, he hadn't looked much better the night before and it seemed like no one had noticed then either. No one except for Simon. And he didn't want to believe that they did notice but just decided to do and say nothing, because that sounded too callous. But the other option would give a bit more weight to that offhanded comment Alec made about being invisible. At least Magnus was here now, but was it too late? It really would've been if Simon hadn't found Alec in time the night before.
"You're not. I can see that you're not," Magnus insisted.
"I am. Either way, it's not your problem anymore. I'm not your problem anymore."
"My problem? What are you talking about? You were never my problem!" Magnus argued, gripping his chest over his heart as if Alec's words physically pained him. "I care about you."
"Don't. Don't do that," Alec warned, crossing his arms over his chest.
"Don't do what? You're scaring me."
"Then leave."
"Alexander-"
"Don't call me that," Alec choked out. Simon felt like he shouldn't be here for this, but there was no way he wouldn't stay. "Don't call me that anymore, please."
"Why not?" Magnus asked, sounding on the verge of tears himself.
"Because I can't stand to have it taken away again. I can't lose anything else."
"You haven't lost me. No matter what, I'm still here."
"But I shouldn't be."
Magnus had lived through a lot of things. The rises of dynasties and the falls of civilizations. He'd rubbed elbows with royalty and toiled with peasants. And on a more personal note, he'd formed the tightest bonds and friendships, only to have time or circumstance rip them away. That was all to say that Magnus had experienced almost everything that there was to experience in this world. And still that hadn't prepared him for the words that had just slipped from Alexander's mouth.
Seeing Alexander falling from the roof while under that horrible spell had been almost too much to take. And afterwards, he'd let him wave it away with a promise that it would never happen again. If the spell hadn't influenced him, it wouldn't have happened. And dammit if Magnus hadn't turned a blind eye to the instincts that had been screaming at him to push further. He wanted so much for Alexander to be okay that he hadn't accepted the fact that he truly wasn't. And now look where they were.
Magnus knew that Alexander didn't have the best coping techniques. He was actually pretty self-destructive, depending on how you looked at it. And he tried to cover it as over training, while a few instances could be excused, it happened enough for Magnus to recognize the pattern. But Magnus hadn't been there this time to see the signs. Or he hadn't been paying attention. And now Alexander was lower than he could ever remember.
"What does that mean?" Magnus pressed, taking a step forward.
"I shouldn't be here bothering Simon. I've taken up enough of his time," Alexander said quickly, trying to excuse his last words. But Magnus couldn't let him. This was the man who was willing to spend the rest of his life in a sham marriage for the sake of his family and place at the institute. Magnus couldn't believe he hadn't seen what he was doing all this time.
It had been easier to think that Alexander had just gotten over their relationship. Or that it hadn't meant as much to him as it did to Magnus. Anger was much simpler to deal with than heartache. But Magnus knew now that Alexander had been pushing him away because he didn't see any other way. And he couldn't let him do it anymore.
"That's not what you meant though, is it?" Magnus whispered. Alexander sent him a pleading look and he knew that he was hitting home with that statement. His love was never the type to let things out easily, but Magnus learned to read his eyes. They always gave away more than he wanted them too, which is why Magnus should've known something was wrong all the times they'd seen each other recently. If Alexander had been firm in his decision to separate fully, he wouldn't have had as much of an issue being in his presence. It wasn't because he didn't feel anything for him anymore, it was because he still did.
"Leave it, please," Alexander begged.
"No!" Magnus shouted. "I let you push me away before, but that was a mistake. Even if we aren't together, that doesn't mean I don't still care about you. That I can stand back and watch you suffer."
"It's too late," Alexander whispered, his arms going from firmly across his chest to lax around his waist.
"Don't say that," Magnus pleaded, feeling absolutely stricken. "There is still time to fix this. We're still here, so there is still a chance."
"But I don't want to."
This was the last thing that Alec wanted. He wasn't ready to be confronted by Magnus right now, especially while he was still vulnerable. One night's sleep and a few sips of broth weren't enough to get him back up to snuff and he felt like every one of his nerves were frayed. Even if he decided to really give life another chance, this wasn't the time to deal with the most painful parts.
But here Magnus was, in all his usual glory. Alec still felt weak at the sight of him and seeing him, after he'd been sure that they'd never lay eyes on each other again, was too much. Being in each other's presence always brought a certain amount of electricity, but Alec couldn't handle it right now. Just taking one breath after the other felt like a monumental effort.
But there was no getting around a determined Magnus. Alec had only gotten away with what he was doing this long because he'd been able to maintain his front. But now that Magnus had proof that he wasn't as okay as he was pretending, there was no going back. There was no going back to being the head of the institute. Magnus had seen behind the facade and now everyone would know.
Why couldn't he leave it? Why, of all times, did Magnus have to show up now? Why couldn't Alec have the chance to build himself back up so he could confront this hurdle with a level head? Didn't he deserve the opportunity? And now that Magnus had seen the truth, there was no way he could go back to the plan that he had last night. Was it strange to be angry at all these people who were trying to keep him from dying?
Alec was so tired of having his choices made for him. There was a general expectation of that, given who he and his family were, but sometimes it got to be too much. From the forced marriage to the way he presented himself to the world, even things as basic as where he slept at night. There was a role he had to play and he had for so long. But after Magnus came along and showed him that it didn't have to be that way, he craved the control over his own life. He'd followed his own path and it had led him here. But now that he wasn't where other people wanted him to be, was he losing that freedom again? Wasn't it his right to decide he didn't want to try anymore? Was it fair to him to keep going on just because that's what other people wanted him to do?
"What are you saying?" Magnus questioned, shaking his head in denial. How was Alec supposed to convince Magnus to give up on him? How did Alec get Magnus to believe that none of this was his fault?
"I'm saying that you need to let me go," Alec whispered, closing his eyes as he felt them filling with tears. The time for crying was over.
"I can't!" Magnus denied, rushing forward and grabbing Alec's hands before he could stop him. "I made a mistake before letting you walk away, but I refuse to do it again. I love you too much to stand by and watch you hurt."
"Don't-"
"You said earlier that the only thing you accomplished was pushing everyone away. Well, sorry to tell you this, but you were wrong about that. There is nothing you could ever do to make me leave your side again. Please, please don't leave mine either," Magnus begged, reaching a hand up to cup his cheek. Alec shuddered as the touch felt so perfect, no matter how much he wanted it not to.
How could he deny this man what he was asking of him? Alec remembered how badly it hurt him outside of Max's hospital room, and he knew how much it had to hurt Magnus outside of the victory celebration. What right did he have to keep hurting Magnus? Even if this wasn't what Alec really wanted, didn't he owe it to Magnus to try to make him happy? Alec might not want to feel anything anymore, but what if his sacrifice wasn't about dying? What if it was about living for the people around him? He'd done it before and he could do it again.
"Okay," Alec agreed softly, reaching up to cup Magnus' hand on his cheek. "I'll stay with you." Alec knew he made the right decision by the way Magnus' face lit up. Magnus' happiness was enough for him. Maybe along the way he'd learn how to be happy too.