"I should stay. Another warlock can handle this," Magnus declared, dropping his jacket onto the bed with a firm nod. Alec rolled his eyes, picking it up and sliding it back onto Magnus' shoulders.
"You should go. I'll be fine," Alec assured him, gently nudging him toward the living room. A warlock that lived out of the country was struggling with his territory and specifically asked Magnus for help, since they'd known each other for decades and worked well together. A less trustworthy warlock could see this as an opportunity to take over and overthrow an adversary, but Magnus wasn't like that. Everyone who knew him knew he was happy where he was and wouldn't do anything underhanded.
"But I don't want to go," Magnus pouted, flouncing over to the couch and dropping down on it dramatically. Alec chuckled, pulling him up and straightening his rumpled clothes.
"You do want to go. You just don't want to leave me," Alec pointed out, not ignoring the elephant in the room. It had been a week since Alec had gone back to the institute and things were going well. There had been no major crisis so far and no one had asked him where he'd been during his extended leave. Shadowhunters didn't really care about things like that, it turned out. As long as there was someone to tell them what to do and they weren't being led to their deaths, they rolled with the punches. And Jace and Izzy had done a good job keeping up the status quo.
"Of course I don't want to leave you. I just got you back," Magnus sulked, staring up at him. They hadn't really left each other's sides since he'd gotten back, besides when Alec was working. And Magnus always made it a point to hang around, without making Alec feel smothered. The old Alec would've seen that as Magnus not trusting him, but the version of him now could see the truth. He'd been in a bad way and Magnus was still worried, which was understandable. Alec was still working through things and so was Magnus. If Magnus needed to be extra clingy for a while for his own healing, Alec could accept it. But not if it meant Magnus holding back on things he really wanted to do for himself.
"And I'm not going anywhere," Alec insisted, pressing a kiss to Magnus' forehead.
"I know. But even after living for centuries, no days felt longer than the ones we were apart."\
"But think of how nice it is when we reunite," Alec said coyly, running his fingers up and down Magnus' arm. They'd taken the final step to solidify that their relationship was back on the previous night. Sex was never the most important part of their relationship, but Alec could admit that he missed it. He missed the connection. He missed pushing every other thought out of his mind as he focused on only himself and Magnus.
"We could reunite right now," Magnus proposed, pulling Alec back toward the bedroom.
"But then I'll be late getting to the institute. You know the longer you stall, the longer it will take for you to finish and come back."
"It's no fair for you to use logic on me when I'm all wound up," Magnus groaned, finally giving up. "I'll have this wrapped up in a day. Two at most. But I can be back here in a minute. Less than a minute even."
"You'll go and you'll be amazing and then you'll tell me all about it," Alec declared, resting his hands on Magnus' shoulders. "We can celebrate a job well done for both of us."
"Well-"
"All night long," Alec rumbled deeply.
"You drive a hard bargain."
"Very hard."
"You better keep that same energy when I get back," Magnus muttered, gathering up a bit of magic and opening up a portal. "Have a wonderful day, dear. Be the leader I know and love."
"I'll try," Alec replied, pressing another kiss to Magnus' lips before stepping through the portal and into his office. It felt strange to not walk through it with Magnus by his side, but it would just take some getting used to again. A few pangs of loneliness swirled around in his stomach, but he pushed the feeling away. Everything was going to be fine.
The morning and afternoon passed like any other, with most of his time being taken up by paperwork and phone calls. Alec had obviously never had a job in the mundane world, but Magnus had shown him a few movies and TV shows that depicted them. It was kind of off-putting how closely his role had resembled some basic corporate job at times. His had more ramifications than most, but if a mundane could handle something similar, he could handle this.
It was kind of nice having a boring day. While he loved the thrill of a hunt, not being in danger was always welcome. And after the last year or so, it felt like he was in danger more often than not. Being the head of the institute meant he stayed behind more, since his job was more important than most hunts, but bad things always seemed to find a way to him. It shouldn't have been a surprise when Alec's bad luck decided to strike on a day Magnus wasn't around. But it wasn't exactly shadow world danger that struck.
"I see that you're back."
"Mother? Father?" Alec said in surprise, looking up from his desk in confusion. Their appearance was completely unexpected and Alec felt unease bubble in his chest. He wasn't ready for this. "What are you doing here?"
"Do we need a reason to come?" his mother questioned in that clipped tone she had. The sound always made Alec's spine just a tad bit straighter.
"Of course not. I just wasn't expecting you," Alec replied, standing up from his chair. He felt like too much of a little boy sitting down while his parents were standing. They were very good at making him feel small, even when he towered over them.
"And we weren't expecting you to be gone when we came here to see you last week," his mother said tightly. Alec felt like the blood in his veins turned to ice. Why hadn't Jace or Izzy told him their parents had come? And of course they had, since it was the absolute worst timing.
"I didn't know you came. If you'd called ahead-"
"You would've cut your vacation short?"
"I wasn't on vacation," Alec denied. In some sense of the word, he was, but he didn't consider it that. What was a better term for a break from life to keep yourself alive? "I was busy."
"You are supposed to be busy as the head of this institute. Not galavanting around town with your warlock boyfriend," his mother chided.
"I wasn't with Magnus."
"So then, where were you? No one here seemed to know."
"I left Izzy and Jace in charge in my absence."
"We didn't see them during our visit. With the way you all cover for each other, it seemed futile to ask them anything," his father said, finally joining in on the conversation. At least Izzy and Jace hadn't kept this from him, since they didn't know. Alec had no idea what they would've told their parents if they had been asked. Alec didn't know what to tell them either.
Telling them the truth felt too daunting. Laying himself out bare like he had with Magnus and Simon felt impossible. His parents hadn't earned his honesty and vulnerability. He couldn't trust them with his struggles, because he'd never been allowed to struggle. From day one, there had been an expectation of perfection. Admitting anything else was inviting their judgment.
"There was nothing to cover for. There was something I had to take care of away from the institute for a few days and you just happened to come in the middle of that. Nothing went wrong in my absence," Alec said, speaking to them like he would to anyone else in the Clave. That was all true and a good enough reason to give.
"And you think it's okay to shirk off your responsibilities? There is nothing more important than running this institute. I thought you understood that," his mother lectured. A few months ago, Alec would've believed that. He would've agreed that the things he wanted outside of his role were nothing more than a distraction. If his parents could emotionally neglect their own children for it, he could do the same with anything else. But now he knew it was wrong. As long as he did his best for the people he was leading, what he did in his own time was his decision. His first step in that direction had been when he chose Magnus over his marriage and it had been his best decision.
"I left the institute in the hands of two competent shadowhunters after making sure everything was set up for them." It had been set up for his permanent absence, but he wasn't going to say that. "I'm sorry you wanted to see me and I wasn't here, but I'm here now. What is it you wanted to discuss?" His parents stared up at him with a look of surprise on their faces and it sent a burst of pride shooting through Alec's chest. Standing up to his parents had been a very rare feat and it was always thrilling and terrifying at the same time. But he was an adult and he didn't have to accept this from them.
"Well then, maybe we should be talking to Jace instead?" his mother shot back.
"What?" Alec spluttered out.
"If he can run the institute so much better than you, maybe we should talk to him," his mother explained, staring at him like it was the most reasonable idea. Alec noted that she left Izzy's name completely out of it, which made his heart hurt for his sister. They needed to have a more in depth conversation about how their mom treated her. Part of him thought it wasn't so bad, since Izzy was obviously their dad's favorite, but he knew now that it wouldn't get rid of the hurt of their mom's neglect.
"Just because they ran the institute in my absence for a few days, doesn't mean they would run it better or worse than me," Alec argued. When push came to shove, he knew both of them would make amazing heads. Izzy was already helping things run smoothly behind the scenes, with barely any glory. And Jace could handle the hard decisions when he had to, even though he was quicker to let emotions lead him astray. Of course his mother would try to make this into a competition. If you weren't striving to be the best, you were doomed to fail. Alec wasn't going to let her ruin the relationship he was desperate to build back up. "If the only reason you came here was to belittle me, you can save it."
"Excuse me?" his mother gasped. Alec probably looked just as surprised as his parents did at what he said. Being so short and direct with them was not his style. At most, he would try to reason with them with his head bowed, but what had that ever gotten him? If he kept being the submissive, compliant son, why would anything ever change? He deserved to be respected. Not because of his role at the institute, but just on a base level. "What has gotten into you?"
"I'm tired," Alec admitted, feeling years of emotional turmoil bubbling to the surface. "Every time you come up here, you bring stress and strife, then leave us all to pick up the pieces. I can't do it anymore."
"This doesn't sound like you. I think a warlock has been in your ear," his mom glowered.
"Not everything goes back to Magnus! I can have my own thoughts and ideas. Just because I'm not letting you control them anymore, doesn't mean this isn't me. You've just never cared to actually see me as my own person!" Alec exclaimed.
"Control you? We've let you live here without us, trusted you with running this institute, and let you make mistakes, which were plentiful. And this is the gratitude we receive?" his mother scoffed, shaking her head incredulously.
"Of course all you see are the mistakes, instead of all the good I've tried to do. As if you haven't made mistakes of your own!"
"Watch your tone," his father warned.
"I'm not gonna watch my tone! I'm done letting you tear me down and taking it all because I felt like I deserved it! It almost killed me before and I'm going to fight with everything I have to make sure it doesn't happen again!" Alec knew he'd let too much slip when his mom's mouth dropped open in horror.
"What are you saying?" his mother whispered, losing some of her self-righteous posture.
"Mom, you saw what happened at Max's party," Alec said softly, forcing himself to maintain eye contact with her. He couldn't shrink away and hide from this anymore.
"That was because of a spell," she argued weakly.
"The spell only brought out what was already there." That was probably the first crack in Alec's defenses and they'd never been able to build back up. The dam was always going to burst and it almost took Alec completely down with it.
"And you're saying it's my fault?" his mother questioned, looking as close to tears as he could remember in a long time. Maybe there was some hope for them yet.
"It was my fault. My fault for letting myself get to that point. My fault for not standing up for myself when I should've. But that's what I'm doing now," Alec insisted. No matter how anyone treated him, Alec was in control of how he reacted. For years he swallowed it all, hoping it would get easier. But he knew now that it was impossible to do forever. It was up to him to fight for his own mental well-being, no matter how many feathers it ruffled. "I want us to be better, but that can't happen until you start seeing me as who I am, instead of who you want me to be."
"We only ever wanted what was best for you. We didn't…" she trailed off, glancing at his father. Alec wasn't sure if she was looking to him to defend them or to see if he believed what had been said. She must not have gotten what she was looking for because she turned and walked out of the room without saying another word.
"Mom," Alec called after her, staring at the empty doorway. As if she would rush back in and tell him everything he'd ever wanted to hear. Alec knew in his heart that he would forgive her in a second if she stood in front of him and made a genuine effort. He didn't even need her to say the perfect words or never make a mistake again. To just see that she cared would be enough. That's all he ever wanted.
"We'll be in touch," his father said, turning to trail after his wife. Alec stood in stunned silence, clenching his hands as they started to shake. Of course this had gone poorly. He'd been so cocky to think that if he took the chance to open up and be honest, that everyone would receive it and accept it. That maybe it would go a little rough at first, like it had with Jace, but by the end, things would be better than they had at the beginning. But now his parents hated him and knew for sure that he wasn't the son they wanted him to be.
Alec paced around his office, trying to calm himself down. One conversation and it felt like all the progress he'd made was lost. Like all the work he had done didn't matter. Like coming back to the institute and trying to repair his relationships were a waste of time. Like he wished Simon had never found him that night.
Alec clutched the stele in his pocket, considering his next move. He could let off some steam with the heavy bag, just so he could get his head on straight. Or take a few hundred arrows onto the roof and let them fly into the night's sky. No one would have to know. He wouldn't let himself take it as far as he had before.
Alec stomped back over to his chair and sat down heavily. He tossed his stele onto the desk, bouncing his knee erratically as he stared at it. Why had he let his parents get to him? This wasn't even the worst conversation he'd had with them in recent history. As a shadowhunter, he was supposed to be prepared for anything, but he sure wasn't prepared for that. Allowing himself to feel things meant taking in the bad along with the good.
But didn't he owe it to himself to push past this setback without falling back into bad habits? He'd worked too hard to go back to the way he was at the first sign of trouble. But he also didn't really know what to do. There was no running away from it to a secluded cabin this time. In Alec's mind, there was only one solution at this point.
Alec reached onto his desk, hoping he wasn't about to make a big mistake.