Tom speaks: "How long will it take to get to Germany from here?"

Jordan pulls a calculator out of her pocket, and I can see her pushing some buttons. She continues to push buttons, and she doesn't say anything.

"Damn, what kind of calculations are you running on that thing?" I ask. I approach her and look at her calculator. She's not actually running calculations, but she's playing Minesweeper on it instead.

Jordan responds: "Probably a few days."

Tom speaks: "Hey, I found a bookshelf over here. We should read some of these books to kill time."

Tom grabs the first book on the shelf. It's titled "Pride and Prejudice II." He opens it and speaks the first few words: "The year is 1820. My name is Eli—"

I quickly pull out my flaming sword, and I slice the book into pieces, reducing it to mere ashes. "NO! Anything but that shitty-ass book!"

Tom looks completely unphased by my actions, and he grabs another book. "Alright, how about The Second Crucible?"

"No! That one is also shit!" I grab the copy of The Second Crucible from his hands, and I toss it into the air. As it falls down, I slice it into two pieces with my flaming sword, igniting it. As it falls to the ground, its ashes dissipate through the air.

"What about Romeo and Juliet 2?" Tom asks, as he grabs another book from the shelf.

Without speaking, I also burn that one while it is still in his hands. "Anything written by this godawful author is off-limits."

Jordan speaks: "Thanks, Nick. I've been trying to get rid of those books, but I couldn't find the time to do so. Here, let me pick one for you." Jordan puts her calculator back into her pocket, and she walks over to the bookshelf. She grabs a book titled "Fahrenheit 451," and she throws it at me.

I speak: "What the hell is this one? I've never heard of it."

Jordan responds: "It's about a guy who burns books."

I respond: "Screw you, asshole. But with this, I bet I can write a better story than the guy who wrote The Second Crucible and that other shit." I grab a blank book from the shelf along with a pen. I start scribbling in it.

After ten minutes, my masterpiece is complete. I show it to Tom and Jordan. "It's called Fahrenheit 452."

I start reading it:

"Chapter Negative 1: Prologue

My name is Guy Montag. I was born and raised in the United States. I like to burn books because I hate reading. However, my hatred for books has backfired on me! The books I have burned are coming back to life as zombies, and they are invading my beautiful home of Texas!

I grab my trusty flamethrower. I named him Chuck because Chuck Norris is such a badass. 'Alright, Chuck, let's show these zombie books what it means to be Fahrenheit 452!'

I walk into the nearby shopping mall, which is overrun by zombie books. A copy of Mein Kampf approaches me, and I aim Chuck the Flamethrower at it. 'Mein Kampf? More like… DIE Kampf!' I shoot flames into the zombie book, burning the shit out of it. To my left, a copy of To Kill a Mockingbird is approaching, and it's holding a knife. 'To Kill a Mockingbird? More like… BURN IN HELL!' I also burn this book.

Suddenly, Chuck the Flamethrower runs out of fuel, and hundreds of zombie books approach me quickly! 'Oh shit! I'm totally screwed!'

I feel a copy of Frankenstein bite my leg. 'I'm totally going to die! God, save me if you're listening!'

Suddenly, Nick Carraway bursts through the wall! His hair is flowing in the wind like calm moonlit waves on an ocean. He is radiating a glow like a comforting campfire from his entire body. He is incredibly handsome with rock-hard abs, and his muscles are more beautiful than anything else in the world.

'God! You answered me! Thank you Nick-Senpai! UwU!' I shout.

Nick closes his eyes, and he flips his hair. 'That's right, Guy Montag. Now, let's show these books what it means to be Fahrenheit 452!' Nick snaps the fingers on his right hand, and thousands of lightning bolts strike the zombie books, leaving me unharmed.

All the books are now gone, and I've been saved! 'Thank you so much, Nick Carraway, my wonderful lord! I love you so much, and you are such a great person, and—'"

Tom cuts me off before I can continue: "Ummmm… Nick? I'm not going to lie, that was the worst thing I have ever heard. I can't stand to listen to another sentence of that."

Jordan adds to the conversation: "I agree. Please never write a book ever again."

I respond: "Wait! It gets better in chapter 37 when Mecha-Biden is resurrected! Let me read it to you!"

Tom and Jordan manage to speak at the exact same time as each other: "Absolutely not."

Suddenly, I hear a loud screeching sound, and I feel the Titanic shaking like an earthquake. All three of us rush outside, and we look at what's happening to the ship. We've collided with a giant iceberg! "I should've seen that one coming, considering it happens every time," says Jordan.

I draw some cards from Fifty-Two Pickup, and I get a healing card. I try to use it on the ship, but nothing happens.

Tom speaks: "Are you trying to heal the ship? It doesn't work like that. Let's try something else."

"Hmmmmm… Do I have any cards that can be useful in this situation?" I ask to myself.

Jordan speaks: "Come with me, I know what we can do."

Jordan walks towards the back of the Titanic, where there's a fighter jet.

I speak: "Why the hell didn't we just use this in the first place?"

Jordan responds: "Because the author of this story has to shoehorn the Titanic into every one of his garbage stories."

Jordan takes the pilot seat in the fighter jet, and Tom and I sit in the back. Jordan then flies it away from the Titanic. As we look down, we can see the Titanic sinking into the ocean. "We'll arrive at the location of the Enchanted Cue Stick in about two hours from now," she says.

Tom pulls out the Magic 8 Ball and the Wizardly Billiard Rack. "What happens when all three artifacts are gathered together? Why do we have to collect the Enchanted Cue Stick?" Both the Magic 8 Ball and the Wizardly Billiard Rack start glowing.

A message appears on the Magic 8 Ball: "You must obtain the Enchanted Cue Stick to prevent the world from being destroyed by The Big Threat. All three artifacts will give you the power to do so."

Tom speaks: "It's going to take some time to get there, so let's sing some songs."

I respond: "No."

Tom starts singing: "What shall we do with the drunken sailor? What shall we do with the drunken sailor? What shall we do with the drunken sailor early in the morning?"

….

After about two hours of Tom's shitty pirate music, Jordan speaks: "Alright, we're here." The fighter jet lands outside of the Reichstag. It's bigger than I thought it would be. In fact, it's more impressive than the White House in the United States. We step out of the jet, and we walk over to the building.

Tom grabs the Magic 8 Ball. "What should we expect when we go in to retrieve the Enchanted Cue Stick?"

A distorted message appears on the Magic 8 Ball. It's impossible to tell what it's saying. Oh, I just remembered something. "Tom, do you remember when Darcy said there was someone here using dark magic to interfere with our signals? We probably won't be able to use the Magic 8 Ball while we're here. We'll just have to go in there ourselves and find out what's going on."

Tom knocks on the door of the Reichstag, and a security guard answers. "Hello, state your name and business."

Tom responds: "My name is Tom Buchanan, this is Nick Carraway, and this is Jordan Baker. We're here to retrieve the Enchanted Cue Stick."

The security guard responds: "Okay, you'll have to solve my riddle if you want to come inside. Suppose there are three gods, labeled A, B, and C. One god always tells the truth, one always lies, and one always—"

Jordan cuts him off: "Ask B 'if I asked you if A is the random god, would you say ja?' If B answers with 'ja', then either B or A is the random god. If B answers with 'da', then either B or C is the random god. Use this information to find out which of the gods is non-random: either A or C, depending on B's response. Ask this god 'If I asked you if you were the god who lies, would you say ja?' If this god answers with 'ja', he is the god who lies, and if he answers with 'da', he is the god who tells the truth. Use this information to determine the positions of the other two gods. 'If I asked you if B is the random god, would you say ja?' If this god says 'ja', then B is the random god. Otherwise, the god we haven't spoken to is the random god. By process of elimination, the third god will be the one who tells the truth, or the one who lies; this depends on which one the second god we talked to was."

The security guard responds: "Correct. You may pass." The guard opens the doors, and he lets us in. Suddenly, we hear footsteps coming down from a nearby staircase. Eventually, someone comes into view. This man has a broad mustache that looks like he cares for it using the best-possible hair products. He has blue eyes reminiscent of sapphires; his gaze pierces into my heart.

The man speaks: "Nick Carraway. I've been expecting you."

I respond: "Who the hell are you? How do you know my name?"

He starts laughing. "My name is Adolf Hitler. I'd like to thank you for bringing the Magic 8 Ball and the Wizardly Billiard Rack to me."

I grab my necromancy book and hold it in my left hand. "What the hell are you talking about? I'm the one who tracked you down to kick your ass so I could steal your Enchanted Cue Stick!"

Hitler speaks: "Haven't you ever wondered how that necromancy book stumbled into your hands? It wasn't a coincidence; it was all part of my plan. With the Enchanted Cue Stick, I was able to determine which actions to take to bring all three artifacts together. I sent you that necromancy book so you would revive Gatsby, which would force Tom, the bearer of the Magic 8 Ball, to join you in your quest."

I reply: "That's bullshit! It was just a coincidence that I found this necromancy book!"

Hitler starts laughing. "Do you remember what the password for the box on the book was? It was 20041889. That's my birthday. Like I said, I planned all of this from the very beginning. As for the Golf Tournament you watched a few days ago? I manipulated President Roosevelt into meeting you so you would run into Jordan. I was also the one who sent C-Day to win the tournament to retrieve the Genie Lamp. With Jordan on your side, you were able to defeat Darcy to take the Wizardly Billiard Rack. I allowed you to use it to track me down, and you have fallen for my trap. Once again, I would like to thank you for bringing the artifacts to me."

Tom speaks: "Mr. Hitler, why are you collecting these artifacts? And why did you need the Genie Lamp from the Golf Tournament?"

"Tom, I'm sure you're familiar with the story of Ronald Trump, the ancient demon. Where do you think the Golden Frying Pan that Ronald was sealed in went?"

Tom thinks for a few seconds. "Didn't it get lost after some chef used it to cook onion rings?"

Hitler strokes his mustache. "Yes, basically. My ancestor, Raidolf Hitler, brought it with him to cook food when he went to space. However, he accidentally ejected it from his ship when taking out some trash. For hundreds of years, the Golden Frying Pan has been floating around in the cosmos without any way for humanity to find it again. But with the wish from the Genie Lamp, any item can be summoned! I used it to summon the Golden Frying Pan! In fact, I have it right here!" Hitler pushes a button on a remote, and a spotlight shines over a display case where the Golden Frying Pan is being displayed.

Tom looks surprised: "Ronald Trump's power isn't something that we humans are able to tame! What do you plan on doing with that!"

Hitler replies: "Our world is overrun with corruption. Everyone is in constant disagreement with each other, and humanity can't seem to achieve peace with one another. What we need is a powerful leader to unite everyone! I, the fantastic leader of Germany, am the perfect candidate for this role! I can't rule without power. Ronald Trump has the power I need to bring salvation to this world! Through the Enchanted Cue Stick, I discovered how to control Ronald Trump. I must obtain enough human souls, and apply them to the Golden Frying Pan by using the three artifacts. I have the perfect method for obtaining human souls: I will declare a World War and kill my enemies!"

Tom pulls Texcalibur out of the Magic 8 Ball. "If you want to construct a world of peace, why must you declare a war on everyone!"

Hitler responds: "You know what they say, you can't make an omelet without slicing some ham."

Jordan flips her hair: "Actually, it's 'you can't make an omelet without breaking some eggs.'"

Hitler responds: "I don't give a shit! All that matters is that I'm going to become a god and—"

Jordan cuts him off: "Will you be a god who always lies, a god who always tells the truth, or a god who always responds randomly?"

I can see Hitler getting visibly angry. "I will be the god who kicks your ass and takes the Magic 8 Ball and the Wizardly Billiard Rack! I will send my troops to invade Europe now, and I should have enough human souls by the time I kill all three of you!"

Suddenly, Hitler pulls a radio from his pocket, and he speaks into it: "Start the invasion now!"

Tom speaks: "Nick, Jordan! We must stop Hitler at all costs! If Ronald Trump is summoned into this world, everything we know will come to an end! This must be The Big Threat that the Magic 8 Ball has been warning us about! No god will be able to save us!"

I respond: "Didn't Ronald Trump get defeated by an overpriced cooking utensil last time? He doesn't sound that great to me."

Tom responds: "We won't have another Golden Frying Pan to seal Ronald Trump away into if he is released!"

Suddenly, Hitler pulls out a magic wand. "I have mastered the art of witchcraft! All three of you! Burn in hell!" He aims the magic wand towards Jordan, and a fireball is launched straight at her. She quickly aims to hit it with a golf club. "Too slow!" Hitler shouts. Suddenly, Hitler disappears, and he teleports behind Jordan. Hitler quickly performs a roundhouse kick, knocking Jordan directly into the incoming fireball. The fireball explodes, and Jordan falls to the ground.

Tom rushes up to Hitler with Texcalibur, and starts to swing it at him. Hitler quickly points his wand at Tom, and Tom is suddenly launched away, and he is slammed into the wall. From what I can tell, his bones were probably fractured during the impact.

I grab my Fifty-Two Pickup, and I draw a card. "Screw you, asshole!" I shout. I get the 6 of Clubs, which is a flamethrower card. I aim the card at him, and flames start coming out towards him. Yes! There's no way he'll be able to react to this!

Hitler shouts something: "Ohukich ostab brucoe aheul bajathek!" Suddenly, the flames from my flamethrower disappear.

"What the shit?!" I shout. I draw another card, and I get the king of clubs, which is the solar flare card. "Go to hell!" I aim the card at him, and then nothing happens.

Hitler starts speaking: "I have inflicted a curse on a 12-kilometer radius, which disables all magic casted by my enemies! I mastered this spell because I knew how much of a pain in the ass your Fifty-Two Pickup would be."

Shit! I won't be able to use my Fifty-Two Pickup or my necromancy book now!

Hitler places his foot on Jordan's head, and he starts crushing her. She reaches for her earrings to take them off. I quickly pull out my flaming sword, and I rush up to him.

Hitler aims his wand at me. "No u. LMAO XD!" Suddenly, I'm hit with the same telekinesis spell that he used on Tom earlier, and I'm launched into the wall near Tom. I collide with the wall, causing massive pain in my body. As I'm falling to the ground, Hitler shoots a fireball at me, which explodes. I feel some of my skin burning, and the impact of the explosion shakes my entire body. I fall to the ground right next to Tom. I can barely move a single muscle.

Hitler points his wand at Jordan. "Khah scher qumca hakja!" he shouts. Jordan finally takes her earrings off, but nothing happens. Hitler continues speaking: "I knew that you would remove your limiter earrings, so I practiced a spell to contain your true power!"

Tom speaks to me: "Nick, it seems like there's no way for us to win this fight… There's not much time left for us to live… There's one thing I've always wanted to tell you… Nick… I love you…" Tom's face turns red.

I respond: "Tom… I love you too, but…" I start blushing. "There's no way I'm going to die here!" Shouting this loud hurts my body even more. "I'm going to kick Hitler's ass!" I start getting up, and my body is in excruciating pain.

Hitler lifts his foot off of Jordan's head, and he speaks: "You persistent bastard! Stay down!" Hitler aims his magic wand at me again, and he shoots lightning at me. I expect my body to get fried right here, but something else happens: the electricity is absorbed into my mechanical arm that I got from Darcy.

Suddenly, I hear Darcy's voice in my head: "Hi Nick, it's me, Mecha-Darcy. This arm I gave you can power up by absorbing electricity. It seems like you're in a tight spot right now, but I'm able to help you through this. Just follow my plan: make it look like Hitler's lightning spell is hurting you; don't let him find out that it's actually powering you up."

I pretend to get hurt by the lighting. "Damn you, Hitler! That lightning hurts!"

Hitler responds: "That was the shittiest performance of someone pretending to be hurt by lightning that I have ever seen. I can tell that your arm is powering up with this lighting, so I'm not going to use it anymore."

I hear Darcy's voice again: "Dammit! He found out! Nick, try to get more electricity! There's an outlet on the wall nearby. Here, I'll give you a fork." I feel a small compartment on my mechanical arm open up, and there's a fork inside. Darcy's voice continues: "Shove that fork straight up that outlet!"

I grab the fork, and I stick it into the outlet. I can feel my mechanical arm powering up from this. Darcy's voice continues: "You should have enough energy in about twenty seconds. Just keep that fork in the outlet."

Hitler shouts at me: "Damn you! Go to hell!" He shoots a fireball at me. Shit! I won't be able to get out of the way if I'm charging my arm!

Suddenly, Tom jumps between me and the fireball, and he holds the Magic 8 Ball in front of the fireball. I see a surprised look on Hitler's face, and he redirects the fireball away, and it hits the wall. Tom speaks: "Hitler wants the artifacts. There's no way he would destroy them!" Tom is still visibly in severe pain.

I see Jordan getting up behind Hitler. She swings her driver club at Hitler's head, but he quickly ducks. Hitler speaks: "Jordan, you're much weaker than I thought you would be." Hitler then kicks Jordan in the stomach, causing her to fall on her back.

I hear Darcy's voice again: "Alright Nick, that should be enough energy now. Go kick Hitler's ass! You can use that arm to unleash the energy you have gathered."

While Hitler is focusing on Jordan, I aim my mechanical arm at him. I shoot an orb of electricity straight at him, and it hits him in the back. Hitler falls to his knees, and he faces me. "What the shit was that?! I disabled the ability to use magic here? How the hell did you cast a lightning spell?!"

I respond: "I used the power of science instead of magic. It seems like German Science isn't the greatest in the world if you couldn't figure that out."

Suddenly, I feel a needle penetrate my left arm, and I feel like my body has been completely healed. I look to my left, and Jordan is there.

Hitler speaks: "How the shit did you do that?! When did you have the time to approach Nick?! What the hell is going on with this world?!"

Jordan responds: "Don't underestimate the power of Earl Grey tea." She then injects Tom with another syringe, completely healing him.

I speak: "What is in those syringes?"

Jordan responds: "Earl Grey tea."

I respond: "How the bloody hell does that even work?"

Jordan shrugs. "I don't know, it just does."

I feel the Earl Grey tea running through my blood. For some reason, I feel stronger. I feel like I can take whatever Hitler throws at me!

Author's note: Please don't try to inject yourself or others with Earl Grey tea!

Hitler starts screaming, and he launches several fireballs towards us. Jordan looks at me, and then she looks back at the fireballs. She quickly runs up to them, and she strikes them with her golf club, launching them towards Hitler. Hitler casts a barrier spell and blocks the fireballs.

Jordan speaks: "Nick, I'll focus on rushing down Hitler. Use your mechanical arm to strike him when you see an opening. Tom, be ready to use Texcalibur in case Hitler tries anything."

Jordan quickly rushes up to Hitler with her golf club, and she swings it towards him. Hitler aims his wand at her, and hundreds of thorns are launched towards Jordan. In an instant, Jordan sidesteps, and strikes Hitler's hand with her golf club. I hold my flaming sword in my mechanical arm, and I apply some of the electrical energy to it. The flames on the sword combine with the electricity, and they become electrical flames. I start running up to Hitler.

Suddenly, Hitler grabs Jordan's golf club, and he starts to shock it with lightning. Suddenly, Jordan releases her grip on the golf club, and she pulls out another one. Jordan then swings it at Hitler again. Hitler then casts his telekinesis spell on Jordan, launching her into the wall. However, she rebounds herself off the wall and she starts running towards Hitler.

I swing my electricity-boosted flaming sword at Hitler, and he starts to teleport away. However, I manage to slice some of his flesh before the teleportation spell is complete.

"Shit! Where did he go!" I shout. I look around the room, and I don't see him anywhere. I hear footsteps coming from the staircase, and I look in that direction. I see Hitler coming down, and he's holding a cue stick. His shoulder is bleeding, and he quickly heals it with a spell.

Tom speaks: "It's the Enchanted Cue Stick! Nick, Jordan! Let's defeat Hitler and take it from him!"

Hitler speaks: "That's right. I didn't think I'd need to use it on you bastards, but you've pushed me this far! Burn in Hell!"

Suddenly, Hitler rushes up to Tom and swings the Enchanted Cue Stick at him. Tom quickly blocks with Texcalibur, and Hitler does a roundhouse kick towards Tom's head. Tom quickly blocks Hitler's leg with his arm, and he punches Hitler in the stomach.

Hitler jumps backwards, and he aims the Enchanted Cue Stick towards Tom. Hitler speaks: "With the Enchanted Cue Stick, I shall power up!" Suddenly, an aura of energy surrounds Hitler, and then he quickly rushes up to Tom. Hitler swings the Enchanted Cue Stick at Tom again, and Tom quickly sidesteps. The Enchanted Cue Stick strikes the floor, and it breaks in half.

Hitler starts screaming: "What the shit?!"

Tom speaks: "No! I can't believe it! You just destroyed the Enchanted Cue Stick!"

Jordan has a calm look on her face, and she speaks: "That wasn't the Enchanted Cue Stick. That was just an ordinary cue stick. The Magic 8 Ball and the Wizardly Billiard Rack have a faint aura that I can sense. That cue stick didn't have the same aura."

I start speaking: "Now that you mention it, you're right. Why haven't I noticed that before?"

Both Hitler and Tom sigh in relief. Tom speaks: "But if that cue stick was a sussy impostor, where is the real Enchanted Cue Stick?"

Hitler speaks: "It's over there!" He points in a direction. Tom, Jordan, and I all look to where he pointed, but there's nothing there.

I look back to where Hitler was at, but he's not there anymore. I look around the room, and I see him in front of the display case with the Golden Frying Pan. Suddenly, he breaks the glass, and he grabs the Golden Frying Pan.

He speaks: "I have deduced that there's no way to defeat you, so I've changed my plans! Ronald Trump! I choose you!" Before any of us can react, he throws the Golden Frying Pan on the ground, and it breaks into several pieces.

Suddenly, the room is engulfed in darkness. I look at Hitler, and I see hundreds of thousands of small lights floating around him. He speaks: "Ronald! I have gathered human souls for you! Accept my sacrifice!" All the small lights around Hitler are quickly sucked into the area where the Golden Frying Pan was.

A bright flash covers my entire view. Once the light dies down, I see a demon standing in front of Hitler. The demon has beautiful muscles, and his hair is a fabulous shade of blonde. The demon's blue eyes resemble the sky on a bright sunny day.

Ronald Trump speaks: "Ahhh…! After ten thousand years, I'm free! It's time to conquer Earth!" His voice resonates across the room like a beautiful orchestra.

I speak: "Damn, that demon is kinda hot."

Tom starts crying: "Nick! Our world is doomed! We won't be able to defeat Ronald Trump!"

Suddenly, Hitler grips his magic wand, and he crosses his arms. "Ronald Trump! I shall become one with you! Take all my power!" Hitler quickly uncrosses his arms, and he casts a spell. Suddenly, Hitler turns into raw energy, and he enters Ronald Trump. Ronald's muscles suddenly increase in size.

Tom speaks: "My ancestor, Juan Buchanan forged Texcalibur to defeat Ronald Trump. Nick, Jordan! Stay back! This is something that only I can do!"

Tom holds up Texcalibur, and the Magic 8 Ball and the Wizardly Billiard Rack float in the air next to him.

Ronald speaks: "Texcalibur… This brings back memories. You! The descendant of Juan Buchanan! Show me what you've got!"