Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction, made possible by the Ranger's Apprentice by John Flanagan. I have only borrowed his creation and I make no money. For this story I have used several other Rangers from the books, though I've also added my own. I do this only in the hope to entertain…

Author's Note: No harm shall come to the characters that can't be fixed with enough coffee…

Chapter 40

Giving the stew a good sniff, Crowley found it to be mouth watering. He rather felt that out of everyone present, he should be the expert on this. After all, Halt loved to pick on him because he had a somewhat prominent nose. There were a lot of people who thought Halt was as frightening as they came, and there were a lot who thought he was a bit odd. Then there were his two apprentices, Crowley and Pauline who thought he was a mother hen and a soft pushover.

King Duncan thought he was the most loyal of men, and that it was best to turn a blind eye on all the things he did in the name of loyalty. Just little things like forging the official royal seal, lying and the occasional theft. He did rather do it all out of loyalty after all. There was no doubt about that.

When it came to his wife, his apprentices and his closest friends he was also the sweetest and most caring man, even to the point where it could be a bit overbearing.

He could also, Crowley thought, on occasion be somewhat insensitive. Really, just because one person's nose was a little larger than another man's nose was no reason to go picking on him. It was just as unfair as it would have been to pick on Halt for being short, which, there was a slight chance that Crowley might have done once twice, maybe… Or Gilan for being tall, which Halt did quite often. Perhaps Crowley had done that a time or two as well, but it was always done out of love. Absolutely, he would never do it out of cruelty, and to be honest, neither would Halt.

Facts remained, that if one were to make a comparison between the six people in the room, it wasn't really a contest. Pauline was by far the loveliest, Gilan and David the tallest, with Gilan the lankiest. Halt could be the grumpiest, or shortest, whichever he wanted, Duncan had the heaviest build and Crowley the biggest nose. It did not bother him, but he did figure it meant he knew the stew smelled very good. The bread was freshly baked, and had a lovely fragrance in itself.

So why did Gilan have a look on his face as if he had brought him the swill bucket for the pigs? He seemed to get anxious whenever he knew they were about to push him to eat, and so Crowley had thought it might be a good idea to just bring up a meal at a time he would not expect it.

The young Ranger looked half ready to panic, he averted his gaze and swallowed.

"What is it that's bothering you?" the way Crowley saw it, it was more than a beef stew. He put the bowl on the table, the bread beside it, and noted the way Gilan threw a furtive glance at the bowl. "And don't tell me you're not hungry," he added. "The way that scum starved you, I would be surprised if you even knew what 'not hungry' is anymore. You're starved, that's the simple fact of it."

"I'm not," Gilan mumbled, avoiding Crowley's eye.

"You are," Crowley folded his arms across his chest. He had noticed something, a small thing that might not mean anything at all, but at the same time he had a strong feeling that it did. "Will wasn't half as bad after Skandia, and he wasn't exactly overfed."

Gilan jerked back as if Crowley had struck him and Halt stepped forward, angrily. Crowley, keeping his eye on the young Ranger in the bed waved him back, aware that David wasn't looking exactly happy either.

"That was my fault," Gilan started. "It was my fault, I left him."

"We've been over that, several times, you did the right thing under the circumstances. You could not have known what would happen after you had left," Crowley stated firmly. However, Gilan didn't even seem to hear him.

"He was right, it was my fault. I deserved it."

"What exactly is it you think you deserved?" Halt stepped closer now, his voice cold and tight. When the young man ducked his head his eyes narrowed. "Gilan, answer me, what is it you think you deserve?"

"Being left," he ducked his head, but he could not refuse to answer. Halt was still his mentor, and Halt was one who had been badly hurt by his action. "I deserved to be left, it was my fault. I shouldn't have left Will then, I knew he wasn't really experienced enough. They forgot to keep watch, I knew that, I shouldn't have left him."

"You did the right thing," Duncan shook his head, his voice softly. It was his daughter, his only child, who had been taken to Skandia with Will, but he had never blamed the Ranger. He knew how difficult it was to foresee all events. "We can only act on what we know Gilan, and you did, and given what you knew, it was the right call."

"I know he forgets himself still, I always keep watch, even when its Will on watch. I know he sometimes forgets," Gilan was shaking his head as if he did not hear them. "I knew he might forget, and I left him to go spy on the camp. I didn't remind him, it was my fault they got him."

"Gorlog's fangs!" Halt cursed. "Are you listening to yourself? Will is a full Ranger, he's well trained and he's responsible for himself. If he forgot to keep watch when you had left, then that is his responsibility, not yours."

"But I knew he might," Gilan shook his head, incessantly. "I knew that, and I didn't do anything. I deserved to be left, I deserved it. They're right, Harcourt was right to save Will, he's the important one. He's the one should be saved…."

"You stop this right now!" unable to hear the self-flagellation Halt had strode forward and gripped him by the shoulders. "Are you listening to yourself?" he demanded.

Crowley, watching, cursed heartfelt.

"Halt!" David seemed shaken as well, calling out to his friend. "Let him be!"

"Oh, dear lord," Pauline, standing beside Duncan was shaking her head, but she stepped forward and laid a hand on her husbands shoulder. "Halt, you're only hurting him worse. Step back."

The problem, Crowley mused, was that as Halt had gripped him, Gilan hadn't flinched at all. He had reacted strongly when Crowley referred to Will, but not after. He didn't react at all when faced with a furious Halt. A part might be that Gilan still trusted Halt not to hurt him, but it would have been natural to jerk back from such a violent reaction. Yet Gilan hadn't. He looked terrified, trembling even, and yet Crowley did not think it was Halt's anger that was the problem. He was furious himself, and that was nothing to say for David.

"Did that scum tell you that?" he demanded, forcing himself to remain calm. He was in charge of fifty Rangers, give or take a few. Three of which were Halt, Gilan and Will, and sometimes Horace as well, in any way that counted. He was very good at keeping calm, he had lots and lots of practice in it. There had been a time when his red hair really did give his temper away, sometimes it still did, if someone hurt his friends. This time though, remaining calm was the only way to help his friend.

He'd stay calm if it killed him…

"No," Gilan fidgeted, well aware that every eye in the room was on him. "Not like that."

"Then what did they do?" Crowley pushed. "Every time we bring you food, I can tell there is something, so what did they do? I know they starved you, deliberately, but how did they do it?"

"It was my fault," he started, but now David stepped in, taking his son's hand.

"Gilan, you need to tell us, I raised you to always tell the truth, and we're asking for it now."

"I'm trying!" Gilan ducked his head. "I don't know what the truth is anymore!"

"Then tell us the facts," Halt demanded. "Did they tell you that it was your fault what happened, how they got Will?"

"In a way," Gilan's eye darted between them. Crowley's prodding, Halt's anger and David's dejection. Pauline decided it was time to step in. Pushing past Halt she sat on the bed, facing the young Ranger. A brief look of relief came over his face as she gently nudged David back and took his hand instead. A half dozen of them all barking questions would only make it worse. Instead she reached forward to brush the hair away from his forehead.

"It's alright Gilan, it's alright," she soothed. "Just tell me what they did."

"They laughed," he started slowly, searching for words. "I, I wasn't gonna give in, I tried not to. But they gave me nothing, nothing at all unless I said it. I tried not to, even when they beat me, but eventually, I did…" he dropped his eyes in shame, tears running freely down his face. "I begged. In the end I did, I begged them for food, and if I didn't, if I didn't say it was true, that it was right they left me, I got nothing. Sometimes, even if I did they gave me nothing, but they laughed."

"They forced you to beg for food, while they physically and psychologically hurt you?" Pauline asked.

The young Ranger nodded, and she ignored the crash behind her as a bowl of stew was hurled through the doorway to shatter against the far wall in the other room. Not knowing who flung it, and not caring.

"Gilan, no one expected you to stand against that, no one could have, but you know it's not true, don't you? You did not deserve to be left behind, none of this was your fault. You know that, don't you?"

Gilan sniffed, shaking his head and Pauline sighed. She tried to tune out the sounds from behind her, her only concern was what kept them from storming off to kill the ones responsible she knew.

"It is the truth Gilan," she insisted. "You know Harcourt was wrong, I can't imagine why he would think Halt would choose one of you over the other, but you know it's not true. He would never have left you there."

"I'm the mistake," Gilan mumbled. "I'm not good enough, I'm the mistake, Halt, agreed…"

"Gorlog's fangs!" Halt started forward, and it took Duncan to hold him back as he cursed violently. The King knew Halt would never hurt his apprentice, but the state of mind Gilan was in, his temper could be just as disastrous.

Gilan, terrified, clung to Pauline who did her best to calm him.

"Gilan, I would never have agreed with that!" Finally Halt was so calm Duncan released him, but the grizzled ranger stalked forward. "Whoever told you that was lying through his teeth, and as soon as I get my hands on him, I'll bash them in!"

"But it was you," Gilan choked. "I, I heard you when you came, I heard you when you came for me, and I heard what he said, he said I was the mistake, He said I wasn't good enough, and that everyone knows, he said so, and you said nothing…"

"Sweet lord," Crowley almost staggered back. "They tried to goad us, to make us mad enough to make a mistake. We hadn't even found the boy yet," he turned to David who had seemed ready to turn his anger towards Halt. "We didn't even know he was still alive, but that scum tried to bait us, make us angry so we would make a mistake. We didn't agree with it, I nearly split his head open for it, but we needed to know what they'd done to the boy. We couldn't let him get us mad or we might never have found him."

Nodding, David seemed to deflate, leaning against the wall as if he no longer could find the strength to stand unsupported.

Halt had gone deathly pale. He had not known Gilan heard that, it had never crossed his mind when they found him that he had. It had never even registered, the boy had been lying quiet, not even calling out to them, he hadn't thought the boy even knew what was going on around him.

Now, unashamed as tears streamed down his face he fell to his knees before the bed, his rough hands grasping a thin, bony arm. "Gilan, I never even cared what he said, my only thought was to find you. I knew he'd say anything to get to me, and if I let him, I might not find you. I don't even remember it, I only remember how scared I was they had killed you, I would never have agreed with anything he said. I only wanted to kill him, I would have, if I hadn't been so scared I wouldn't find you. That was the only thing that mattered."

Through all the years Gilan was his apprentice, the boy had always trusted him. Even when he was hurt or scared, the boy had trusted him. That had been a great comfort to him. Gilan hadn't been perfect, nor had he been fully trained from the start. He was good with his weapons, but he had not the same experience Halt had with people's devious nature. He was raised to trust any man's given word. It got him into trouble occasionally. He had however always trusted Halt, even when he had been torn between his upbringing and his new training he had always trusted Halt.

To be there, to lie there in a world of pain and misery, to have his mentor so close to him, and yet not hear him deny such hateful words…

Halt could understand how that had tore at him.

He had never been one much for displays of affection, but now he embraced the boy, careful of his injuries he still wrapped his arms around him. "I only cared about getting you back. Not what he said, only that I needed to find you."

At first the young Ranger was stiff in his arms, stiff and scared, a quiet whimper escaping him, then he clung to his mentor with all the strength he had as Halt held him.

TBC Please review, the caffeine addicted Cricket is hungry…