Sleep doesn't come easy that night, but it never really does anymore.
Groggy and unwilling to rise from bed a quarter to noon, the sounds of someone rustling through her belongings outside forced Rin to leave her warm blanket cocoon and investigate. Rubbing the sleep from her eyes and gingerly pushing through her bedroom door, she sees a familiar blond positioned in front of her TV, going through her movies intently and inspecting each one with keen blue eyes.
"Um…" Rin manages through her raspy, dehydrated voice. Len looks up at her.
"Ah, good morning," he responds, neatly stacking her movies back into the cubbyhole of the TV stand and getting up to bow his head.
"What are you doing?" she asks, feeling far too sleepy for more nonsense.
It's only been two days since she received Len, but it's already been exhausting. Her sleep schedule was already greatly broken before he came along, but knowing that he's always lurking outside her bedroom gives her goosebumps to think about. He's not a nuisance, but it always feels like she has some kind of stalker waiting for their moment to pounce on her.
He's been nothing but courteous and gentle, though, other than his demanding nature and occasionally becoming a bit too… predatory with his 'duties', she reminds herself. She can't exactly stay mad at someone who provides her full meals and has even done her laundry and cleaning, too. She can't help but feel guilty for treating him like some kind of servant, though. Not that she's even had to ask him to do anything; he's taken every chore from her pretty much forcefully.
Saves me the headache, but that wasn't even close to what I bought him for… But at least he's doing something and I'm not just stuck with a sex-oriented android in my own home.
Well, that'd be true, if she didn't think he still might try to jump her when she's least expecting it. He did say he wouldn't do anything without her permission, but what if he short circuits or goes haywire? Can he just go wild and pin her down? What if, worst case scenario, he loses it completely and tries to kill her? Cases like those are pretty rare, obviously, and happened years ago considering how far the tech has come, but… it doesn't rule it out.
Yet, here he is, thumbing through her semi-pathetic collection of old movies and acting completely innocent. It's hard to suspect him of doing anything wrong when he looks at her with nothing but a clean expression.
"I was looking to see what genre of movies you prefer," Len tells her. "I've come to the conclusion that you like modern slice-of-life anime and horror films."
She cocks a brow at him in confusion. "...And this is important why?"
"If you would allow it, I would like to spend today getting to know you further in order to fulfill your desires in a preferable way," he answers, unfazed by the dubious look on her face.
"You are averse to my touch and company, it seems, so I was hoping to appeal to you by enjoying some of your favorite things beside you."
It takes her a long moment to process his words, before her heart warms just the slightest bit at his intentions. Granted, it has to be coming from a robotic, factual standpoint that he can't get anywhere with her if she pushes him away, but… it feels like a sweet gesture nonetheless.
"So you just… want to hang out?" she asks plainly, to which he nods.
"In the loose sense, yes. I would like to ask you questions and perhaps watch some of the movies or shows you favor. Perhaps I can ease you into some physical contact as well, if that is okay by you."
This time she stiffens up at the mention, but her subconscious berates her for the reaction.
God, Rin, you feel like a prude. He basically just suggested you Netflix and chill, and you're acting like he asked you to suck his dick. You bought a real-life sex doll that you're afraid to even look at the wrong way.
She can't help the knee-jerk reaction to it, as much as it makes her feel bad after how hard he's trying to seem more likable to her. Even if she can't understand what makes him continue to try and direct her his way, it can't be just because he'd be a failure if he can't convince her.
Rin's inner empath feels sorry for the android that he's subjected to her awful interactions. It's got to suck having an owner that basically wants nothing to do with you.
This sense of guilt is what steers her to blow a gust of air between her lips, placing a hand on her hip and shaking her head. Even though it scares her, and even if it feels pointless for many reasons…
"Alright, Len. I'm okay with that."
To her surprise, he lights up immediately, offering her a winning smile. She's quick to put a hand up a second after, confusing him.
"...Not before I've had my morning coffee, though."
He stares.
"It's the afternoon."
"...Shut up."
.x.X.x.
Once Rin is sufficiently caffeinated and they've both situated themselves in the center of her small living room floor (wedged between her TV and the couch), the two face off against one another. She sits with her legs under her, and he in a cross-legged position.
Taking a sip of her caramel-colored drink and letting the smooth mocha notes wake her up, Rin sets the cup aside very carefully against the hardwood floor.
"...Alright, Len. I'm listening," she finally says, placing her hands in her lap and gazing at him expectantly.
"For my first question, what are your favorite hobbies?" There's not a sliver of hesitation in his voice, as if the questions have already been rehearsed.
"Uh…"
Rin draws a blank for a moment, and she tries to ignore the curious look on his face as she struggles to come up with a good answer.
"I, well… I like watching anime. I knit a little sometimes. I like to… bake cookies, I guess?" She's undoubtedly floundering. God, this feels lame that she can't even think of actual hobbies.
He nods his head, as if taking mental notes.
"What's your favorite color?" he quickly follows with.
"Uh, y-yellow."
"Do you prefer rainy days or sunny?"
"Rainy…?"
"What about music? What genres?"
"I like pop and some metal…"
His questions fire off like rockets, and she's left sitting there answering the offhand personal questions as fast as she can before he's already come up with a new one. It's like an interrogation, and nearly laughable at how absurd it is that she's expressing her trivial personal details with an android.
What's even more absurd to her, is that he genuinely seems to be interested in her every word. He hangs in the balance, asking her favorite cakes, pies, her favorite song for every type of music, where she went to school and if she graduated. All tiny, pointless inquiries, but it's been a long time since she even thought about her own interests in the sense of talking them out with someone.
It's… strange, but kinda nice to air out some of this, she thinks.
"Have you dated before?"
...Annnd, the good feeling's gone.
Just like that, she clams up. "I... well… no."
"I see. Crushes?" he asks.
"That's not really something I have to answer, is it?"
He raises a brow. "I suppose not, but it does help me see into your mind more."
Her hands mindlessly dig into the wood under her. "...No real crushes either. I didn't talk to boys much. Or anyone for that matter."
"What about your parents?"
Instantly her nails painfully bite into the floor under her, the pain caused by it nothing compared to the regret and anxiety. Len watches her expression change with prying eyes.
"I don't want to talk about them," she replies curtly, unable to meet his gaze. "At all."
Her voice is stoic and bland, and he's silent for a moment before nodding his head.
"...I understand. I won't ask about them again."
His admission allows her to breathe again, and the tightness that had taken residence in her chest loosens to a dull ache. She feels bad snapping on him, but…
Some things should stay buried. It's not like it's relevant anyway.
Len goes quiet for a few moments, and she worries incessantly about if she's offended him in some way. (A silly worry, considering he doesn't share the same kinds of feelings she does.) But she remembers pretty quickly that his thoughtful expression is mostly his inputting the data into his 'memory banks', or however androids work. She probably should've done some more research into that.
"Then, what about health?"
Rin stares at him for a long time. "...What?"
His blond bangs fall into his face slightly as he continues. "Your health. Have you ever been diagnosed with anything I should be aware of?"
Her mouth drops open, and she flounders like a fish out of water for a moment.
"No. No, of course not," she replies quickly, before narrowing her eyes at him. "...Can't you ask less weird and personal questions? This is starting to feel like being grilled."
He blinks, not quite understanding. "Well, I'm just trying to understand who you are as a person. I need to know every possible detail if—"
"You don't need to ask every single question that exists right away," she interrupts him, holding up a hand to stop him. "When you get to know someone, you learn about them in time. Some things are better to… To learn about when it's the right time."
He gazes at her, and his azure eyes are reflective before he nods his head.
"...I see. I apologize."
That hint of guilt pangs in her chest, but he doesn't allow her to stew for long.
"In that case, I will ask only simple questions. I want you to open up to me when you feel it's the right time."
The level of maturity in his voice leaves her surprised. It's really on par with a grown adult's understanding, and for a second she feels it's just too real for an android to grasp. Len really has been prone to shocking her with some things he tends to say or do, she's noticed. Are all androids so easily able to pick up human mannerisms?
"So then, moving to another topic, what is your favorite anime?" he asks her, drawing her back to the present, and she's thankful for the change.
"Uhh… It'd have to be Toradora," she replies, and he tilts his head.
"'Toradora'? Could you elaborate on it for me?"
She chuckles softly under her breath. "Uh, well… It's an anime about a stubborn girl and a kind boy with delinquent eyes. They help each other with their crushes but then fall in love with one another by the end."
Len's expressions speaks volumes of his misunderstanding. "...Delinquent eyes? And doesn't falling for each other defeat the purpose of pursuing other romantic interests?"
And here, she's reminded of his lack of human emotions and interpretations of them. She sighs.
"It's kinda hard to explain without actually watching the anime."
"Then, would you like to watch it with me? I would like to experience it with you," he requests, seeming hopeful.
Rin ponders for a few seconds, before offering a tiny smile.
"...Sure, Len. I haven't seen it in a few years, anyway."
.x.X.x.
He's too close, her mind screams.
They're two and a half episodes into her favorite anime, and they're sitting shoulder to shoulder on the couch together. Her hands are plastered so tightly to her legs that she can see the whites of her own knuckles.
It wasn't really a problem before, when she wasn't really thinking about it. She started with being engrossed in the show, but she had moved closer to her and taken up invaluable personal space she wasn't ready to give up.
Maybe he doesn't realize it, or maybe he chooses to ignore it, but every time he brushes against her with movement or she goes to adjust herself and their thighs touch, she feels a heatwave rush through her, alongside the unbearable urge to run away.
She just doesn't do close. It's not in her job description, it's not part of her biological makeup. She just avoids it whenever she can, and she's gotten away with it too… Until now.
It wasn't ever an issue until Len.
She can hardly concentrate on the show now, but that's her own fault— that is, until Len looks at her.
"May I put my arm around your shoulder?" he asks.
Her blood goes stone cold in reflex, but she swallows down the instant rejection she was ready to say. Something else inside her tells her to stop being so childish.
Face facts, Rin. This boy is meant to offer you physical interaction, and if you're not going to take it, what exactly is the point of having him around? He's just a costly piece of furniture then.
Risking a glance at his empty expression, Rin bites down hard enough on her tongue to taste blood. The words don't want to come out, she doesn't want to say it and give him permission, but—
"...O-Okay," she whispers, betraying herself.
Without another word, he sidles up even closer to her and loops his arm around her shoulders, his fingers coming to rest just lightly against her upper left arm. Her skin grows instantly hotter with just the simplest motion.
He says nothing after that, focused solely on the anime, but Rin's brain is screaming alarm signals immediately. The memory of her lips pressed against his forehead comes to mind, along with how he had left light bite marks against her neck that night. Thankfully they had faded pretty quickly, but why now is she forced to remember something so- so embarrassing?
It sucks more that he doesn't even realize it's on her mind, nor would he ask why it's bothering her. But he's close enough to her that he could rest his chin on her other shoulder if he chose, and his breath lightly brushes through her short hair. Her face is already turning shades of red.
Rin, calm down, she tries to force herself into tranquility. He's not doing anything else. It's okay. You're overthinking it.
Unfortunately that's something she does best, and it really doesn't help that her lack of experience means this sets fire to her blood. Her blue eyes risk glances at his expression, his damnably aloof handsome face that doesn't even realize the effect it has on her. God, he really is cute.
Minutes tick by of the uncomfortable situation, and her fingers grow fidgety against her legs. Her chest threatens to burst with every heartbeat, and she's struggling to stay still and not reflexively push his hand away. It's not an unwelcome feeling, but it's also driving her absolutely mad.
Mistakenly, she aims her gaze to him again, only to find him staring back at her intently. The dynamic scene between tiger and dragon on the screen goes forgotten as they lock eyes, and she's captured again in those cerulean pools.
Oh no.
He's unwavering against her confusion, and his soft lips are gently parted. It's only now that they're stuck in this uncomfortable trance together that she realizes he's leant forward, and there is only a few inches between them to prevent those perfectly shaped lips from meeting hers. He doesn't back away, and the very thought instantly sends her reeling with panic.
"I- I- I'm gonna make some tea!"
The words don't even sound like they came from her throat, but as she scrambles away from him like he had literally set her on fire, her embarrassment overrides every other sense in her body. Reaching for her half full coffee cup, she hastily breaks their line of sight and jumps off the couch, running for the kitchenette.
Oh God, oh God, oh God…
What is wrong with her? It's like she had a seizure on the spot. Just from a little bit of closeness, she'd thrown herself into a tizzy and probably confused the hell out of Len. Or not; who knows what he's thinking.
It doesn't take long for her to find out, as she has her back turned from the door, her shaky hands anxiously filling the mug with water over the sink. His footsteps alert her, but when his voice rings out, it's what sends her stiff as a board.
"Why are you so averse to touch?"
The question is so outlandishly simple and yet so edged that she grips hard enough on the mug to cause herself actual pain.
"What?"
She can't look at him, and he doesn't come closer.
"You ran from me again. Why? Did I do something wrong?"
"N-No, I—"
"You have to tell me what it is. I can tell that you were uncomfortable, but I don't understand why. You allowed me to touch you, but then you acted like I was acting out of line." His words are sharp and somehow biting into her with every syllable. "Mistress, are you afraid of—"
"Shut up!"
Rin whirls around on him, the mug swinging in her hand and sloshing water over the edge of her thumb, the hot water burning her some, but she bites her cheek through the discomfort and glares daggers into the blond. He doesn't seem fazed in the slightest.
"Don't say anything else!" she commands, the words coming out in a growl as her vision blurs, a bout of dizziness at the edges of her sight. "It's difficult, okay?! I can't do it as easily as everyone else. I'm not afraid, I-"
Suddenly the words die in her throat. The moment that word crossed the threshold of her mouth, it felt like her world came rolling to a stop.
Afraid.
Is she afraid?
Is she so truly engrained in the thought that touch is so taboo, so forbidden to her, like the temptation of a trickster, that she can't bear it at all?
For years, she's feared it. She avoided hugs, avoided sympathy, cut herself off from others. Miku is the only person she's allowed to even come near her, but it took literal years of constant pushing from the tealette to get her to give in.
When you grow up in a life where physical affection is a rarity, you come to see it as; you're not worthy of it.
She never felt worthy of that love and affection. She never felt it was worth, or important enough, to be part of a life like hers.
She has always been alone. Always been lonely, and accepted that she would always be that way. Is that why...?
So many confused, trickling thoughts that invade her consciousness seep into her mind, and all of a sudden it's like the weight of the earth comes crashing down on her. Her lack of sleep the night before comes back to kick her while she's down, and the world and the android before her blur into a fuzzy dream.
Her knees buckle under her, and the cup crashes down to the floor beside her, the porcelain shattering into a thousand pieces against the linoleum and splashing her with hot water. She drifts forward, about to crash into the puddle of broken pieces, when something catches her mid fall. Her face collides with something faintly warm and firm, covered in loose fabric.
"Rin!"
My… name?
Somewhere in that moment, it clicks in her thoughts that someone said her name. It takes only a second of hazy thinking to realize that it was Len. It only serves to increase her disorientation, because after all this time…
...Only now has she ever heard him say her name before.
"Rin, are you alright?"
His voice is frantic, concerned for her, it feels like, though she might be imagining it with wishful thinking. His arms are strong around her, providing her support as her legs fail her. It seems like all of a sudden she has the world's worst headache.
A heartbeat passes, and suddenly she's being swept up into the air with the security of a fragile doll. She has little strength to protest, as Len's hold presses her up against his chest in a bridal pose.
"You should have told me you were so tired," he murmurs, quiet enough only her ears could possibly hear him. "I would've been more careful. I shouldn't have pushed you."
The comfort of her room surrounds her as he, extremely cautiously, lays her down amongst her bed covers. He pulls the blankets up to her shoulders as she blearily gazes up at him, and she's left pondering the sheepish, remorseful look on his face.
He looks so sad all of a sudden, like a little kid…
The uncertainty only grows on his face as she glances around her room, before bowing his head to her.
"I'm sorry. I entered your room without permission, and caused you trouble."
It's almost laughable to her at this point, but something about it is so endearing that it lets her forget how heartbroken she'd felt only a few moments before. Nuzzling into the pillow under her head, she lets a smile cross her lips.
"...It's alright, Len," she says softly, drawing his unknowing gaze. "I'm not mad. Thank you for… calling me by my name…"
That's not what she meant to say, not truly.
Thank you for… taking care of me...
But, as she drifts into unconsciousness, it feels like it doesn't matter.
No matter what, her gratitude was conveyed.
A/N: Sorry if there's errors and stuff, I wrote most of this super late at night. I've been crazy busy with the video uploads I've been doing. (Link to my new youtube on my bio. In case y'all ever wondered what I sound like. I do playthroughs.)
I have a direction for this, I think. I've been outlining. Thank you all for the support. I'm still here.
Read on.
~I own nothing but a fragile heart and a love of Toradora.~