When Rin wakes up, she softly groans and places her face into her pillow, letting the cushy material bury her entirely from the encroaching sunlight.
Her body aches from head to toe, like she's run a marathon. She feels off, as well, like something's not the same as it was before. Yet still, she had a wonderful dream the night before. It was some kind of beautiful illusion, one she cherishes. Even though, when she stretches her arms a little and pulls the blanket over her head, do her joints feel stiff and her thighs ache a little. Specifically certain areas around her neck and chest, actually.
I must've thrashed around in my sleep or something. I'm usually never this sore after a good night's sleep, so maybe I just became a little too active. It happens.
Still, it really feels like she got a workout. She blearily opens her eyes, the haze of sleep leeching away to reveal her empty room. Er, her room at the beach house anyway. She almost forgot she was even there.
We're supposed to head home today, too.
Even better yet… she can actually tell something's not quite right, now. Her figure just doesn't seem like it's quite right, and her hips and thighs in particular hurt quite a bit.
Rubbing the sleep from her eyes and leaning up in the bed, her messy blonde bangs fall in her face. The sunshine outside the window is blinding for a moment, and her hand raises between her and it so she can see again- and her eyes grow wide.
Lying in bed beside her, the blanket tossed very haphazardly over his figure, is Len. His blonde hair is long and loose around his shoulders, his bangs framing his shut eyes perfectly like an angels' halo. He has one arm slung back behind his head, and the other hidden beneath the covers- but most importantly, above all, is he is nude.
Bare naked, in the bed with her. Which… means…
Rin risks a glance down at herself, and her face goes pale.
Her visible chest, which she quickly scoops up to cling to her breasts, is covered in little red mouth marks. Her blood grows cold in her veins.
All too quickly she remembers exactly what happened the night before, between her and Len, and her heart nearly stops.
I… We… We s-slept… together…
Rin lets out a horrified squeak, scrambling away from Len in a hurry and nearly falling off the bed, and the blond android cracks an eye open in her direction, cocking a brow.
"Good morning," he hums in a sultry voice, a little smile on his face.
She's not smiling though, and she grabs the blanket in bunches to wrap around herself, her entire face turning several shades of deep red.
"Y-You-" she can hardly speak, and he lifts himself up to gaze at her with a bit of bewilderment.
"Is something wrong?"
She doesn't answer, only scrambling out of the bed and dashing to the side bathroom connected to the room, her feet tapping against the hard wood as she practically runs forward to face herself in the large, spanning mirror.
Her expression, shocked and violent crimson, scans her figure, only growing more and more disbelieving.
Every inch of her from her neck to her thighs is covered in little marks. She brushes her fingers over it, as if just the motion of wiping them away will make them disappear, but they only feel sensitive to the touch.
I… I can't really believe that I… that we actually…
I thought it was a dream. I was certain it wasn't real. I let myself get swept up in my feelings, and I…
A thousand emotions crash over Rin at once, remembering every little detail from that night like a broken record. The way he'd touched her, how she'd responded, his words that had so easily broken her train of thought.
He said he loved me, and I just… accepted it. Even though, in the end, I made him say it. I told him to say it.
And even I, for a moment, believed I loved him, but….
Was what we did out of love? Or did I just give in because of my own desire? Or his?
What do I do now?
"Rin?"
She freezes as Len comes around the corner in all his naked glory. She can't help staring, open-mouthed in horror. In comparison, his look of concern is nearly laughable.
"Is there something wrong?" he inquires, placing a hand on her shoulder— one she quickly brushes off.
"I... "
She nearly chokes on her own words, but then covers her face in both hands and rushes past Len, knocking into his shoulder to where her clothes are tossed along the floor.
"Rin, are you alright?" Len follows her, but she pulls on a pair of shorts and a shirt she'd thrown to the side in a quick attempt to seem half-dressed. Her eyes fly to his face, before drifting down, and then turning away in embarrassment.
"Just- just shut up, for a second," she commands in a loud outburst, Her fingers grip into her hair as she tries to process anything going on right now.
I slept with Len. We actually had sex.
Holy shit, I am… so confused right now.
Not wanting to hear another word from Len, she doesn't give him a chance. Instead, she flies out of her room and down, her footsteps loud in her ears.
Thank god no one else is up here right now. I don't even know what time it is. But there's someone I've got to talk to.
Going to the end of the hall and rapping her knuckle harshly against the door there, Rin calls out, "Miku? Miku we need to talk right now."
"Rin?" comes Miku's sleepy voice from the other, muffled, along with a bit of shifting. "It's like, eight AM."
Well, there's my timeframe. But that's not important.
"Miku, please, we gotta talk." she insists.
"Wait a sec," the tealette says, but Rin grits her teeth.
"It can't wait-!"
Before she knows it, her hand is on the handle of the bedroom, and she flings the door open, stepping inside to greet her friend— before gasping.
Miku and Kaito are lying in bed together, both wearing nothing. Miku, tossing aside her loose long hair, gives the blonde a frustrated, annoyed look.
"Rin!" she exclaims, and Rin sputters.
"I- I- sorry!"
She places her hands over her face, unable to erase the image she definitely did not want to have stuck in her head.
"Rin, what the hell?!" her friend demands, but then there's a pause.
"Oh, good God. Look at you. Kaito, I need you to leave for a little bit, sweetheart."
"Of course, love."
There's shifting and the sound of material rustling. Rin is afraid to peek past her fingers at this point, her breathing erratic and shallow.
There's a soft breeze as someone (Kaito, she assumes) moves by her, the door shutting closed behind him, and a clearing of someone else's throat. She finally lowers her hands, thankful to see the tealette in at least a pair of underwear and Kaito's shirt sitting on the bed.
Miku gestures with both hands, ushering her over to the bed. Rin slowly walks over and plops unceremoniously beside her, feeling exhausted already.
"I'm… sorry to have barged in," Rin says weakly, barely finding her voice. "I…"
"Rin," Miku cuts her off sharply, her seafoam eyes narrowed at her. "What happened?"
Rin opens her mouth to speak, but then slowly closes it again, her face turning several shades of red. She knows what to say, but it's a bitter struggle even trying to get the words out.
Before she can muster her courage, Miku does it for her.
"You had sex with him, didn't you?"
Rin's absolutely panic-stricken expression only confirms what she says, and she only nods her head, her fingers gripping into her shirt tightly.
"I-I-" Rin stammers out incoherently. "I didn't… I mean, I didn't know we would… I just followed your advice, but one thing led to another, and somehow, I-!"
Her words start to slur together into a mishmash of nonsense, but then Miku snaps her fingers, making the blonde jump.
"Rin," she commands. "Take a deep breath."
She does as she's told, letting her lungs fill with air even though she just wants to hyperventilate.
"Now, I want you to talk to me," Miku continues after Rin's face has become more of a natural pink. "How did it go down? How was it?"
"How was it?" Rin chokes. "I- I don't know. I mean, it was fine- er, it was great, I guess, but I don't really know if that matters right now. I don't know if that's true, either, it just feels like a blur."
If I try to remember those steamy moments, or the way he touched me, the words he spoke into my ear as if I was the only person allowed to hear it… If I let myself dwell on it, I don't know what I'll do.
I don't know how to feel right now.
"Well, if you didn't hate it, that's saying something," Miku says, crossing her arms. "You didn't say he forced himself on you, either, so I assume it was mutual."
"Um… I guess…" Rin grimaces.
"So, if it was fine, and mutual, then what's the problem?' Miku asks her pointedly, making her cringe. "If literally nothing went wrong, what's going on in your head? Do you regret it? Is that it?"
Her words cut right to her heart, and Rin bites into her cheek bitterly. A million emotions flow through her at once, not a one providing her an answer that she can make heads or tails of.
Her head can't decide, and neither can she.
"I don't know," she whispers. "I don't know if I regret it, Miku. I don't know."
She's so flustered and out of control inside.
Miku inhales, then lays a hand on Rin's arm tenderly.
"Look, maybe you need to take a walk?" she suggests. "Go out on the beach and just let yourself think for once. Away from everything. Maybe you'll figure it out there."
Rin stares at her a moment, before moving her gaze down to her lap.
"...Maybe you're right," she murmurs. "I think that might work."
A walk to clear my head…
...It can't hurt, after all.
.x.X.x.
The ocean breeze brushes across her cheeks like a welcoming hand, but she keeps a wide berth between it and herself. No sense in risking potentially going catatonic just in the mere proximity of the sea's waves.
The sand crunches beneath her sandals, getting stuck between her toes and leaving an uncomfortable gritty feeling under the soles of her feet. Her hair whips around her face every time there's a little gust of wind, and she holds her arms close to her sides, feeling chilled even though the summer sun beats down on her overhead. It's most likely just from being so close to the biggest body of water on the earth.
This seemed like a good idea at the time, but I don't know if walking beside my worst fear is helping me think straight.
Still… It's at least kinda peaceful.
Rin casts her eyes toward the ocean, watching the rippling azure waves cascade over the sand, leaving it smooth and glittering under the morning light. The foam left behind uncovers little shells that just become lost again when the tide returns to swallow it.
Just like I was swallowed, only a day or so ago.
She shivers with the memory, much too willing to leave it repressed and buried in her head along with many other things.
Now… Since i'm out here, I have to face this.
I have to face the fact I slept with Len. He and I…
I really did it this time.
We slept together, and in truth, there's nothing wrong with anything we did. Len is built specifically for that reason, and I… I felt so lonely in that moment. I just wanted to hear him say he loved me over and over again, and I let it spin my thoughts into an unravelable yarn. I let those words get to me.
I let him say 'I love you', and I believed it.
But do I really believe it?
She stops on the beach. Rin raises both her hands in front of her, staring down at her creased palms and gently closing and opening her fingers.
I treated him like a human. I stopped thinking of Len as an android, and more of a real person. Lately, I've been forgetting about the fact that he's just a robot. It's been harder and harder to separate that fact from how he's acted. The way he speaks sometimes, the way he expresses himself, it just seems too realistic. I don't know if it's his AI that makes him that way, or if he truly feels it.
Len is a strange predicament I've found myself, and to be honest, I'm not sure I want to be freed.
But, making him say he loved me like that, and letting it get to my head… I feel like that's my own fault for diving too deep into uncharted territory. I gave him an in, and he took it. Of course he did.
All he desires is to make me happy, and I can't say he didn't last night. But what does that mean for me?
What does that mean in my head? That I love him? Or that I just lust after what he has to offer?
After all, when he says he loves me, does he mean it, or is it just a piece of code in his programming?
What would I do if everything he's ever said or done has been fake and forced?
"Rin!"
Rin's heart skips a beat, startled, but then she turns around to see familiar teal-headed man walking up to her in the sunlight, dressed in khaki shorts and a green shirt, his bright eyes a little clouded in the shadows of the sun.
She can't help but feel put off by him now, and she anxiously frowns and fiddles with her clothes.
"Oh… Mikuo. What are you doing out here?"
"I saw you walking," he answers, brushing a bit of sand off his bare leg. "I wanted to… talk to you about yesterday."
She doesn't want to talk. In fact, she'd love to do anything but that right now. It feels like he's treading in on her private thought bubble.
"Look, can we… just not?" she asks, offering a fake smile. "I'm sorry, but I just… don't want to talk about that right now. Let's leave it in the past, okay?"
He blinks,a little stunned. "Oh, well… okay. I guess. But you looked troubled, and I thought, maybe you might want to… go get something to eat? I'm here to talk about whatever you want."
There's something grating about the way he keeps pressing her to spend time with him, and it's suddenly all just very exhausting. She feels a deep welling sense of distaste and frustration in the pit of her stomach, and it threatens to rear its ugly head with every word he utters.
"Mikuo… please," she tries, but he shakes his head.
"I know maybe I got the wrong signal last night, but there's something between us, isn't there?" he demands. "I know there is. I've seen it. In your eyes, you… Last night, I know you wanted me. And maybe we moved too fast, and I'm sorry for that, but if you could just give me a bit more of a chance-"
"No!"
Her yell throws them both off guard, and even she is surprised to have heard the word come out of her own mouth. Her hands clasp into fists at her sides.
That frustration finally showed itself, and with it uncapped, she can't stop the way she wants to turn away from him. It's become too much, too pressuring, too not for her- and she's tired of feeling like she's forcing herself to be interested in him.
Wait. Is that what's been happening?
"Mikuo, just…" She finds words pouring out of her like a waterfall. "I think you're… a nice guy, and all, but I don't think we're going to be going out again soon. I just don't think we're compatible. I'm sorry, but this isn't working out, and I don't want to lead you on."
It's as she's saying this that it all suddenly just clicks together, like a satisfying last piece of a puzzle finally completing the big picture, and her chest lightens.
I don't want to be with Mikuo. Because…
...I want to be with Len, don't I?
It's true. I want Len.
I can't tell myself that's not true anymore. These feelings… he may not be a real person, and I may be a poor excuse for a human, but I just… I want to be with him. I want to be loved by him.
Is that okay? Am I allowed to do that?
She shakes off those thoughts, closing her eyes.
No. This is right. This feels right, for once.
I've been telling myself lies. But they're not the lies I thought they were.
Even though I'm not sure I'm ready to take such a huge leap into a relationship with Len like I did last night, I know one thing is true and it rings clear now.
I want to try being with him on our own terms, not with my inhibitions getting in the way.
I want to know if something really is there, something not artificially created.
"Rin," Mikuo says, drawing her back to him. His expression contorts in hurt, clearly not understanding her. "What are you saying? We've barely even started, and you're… you think we're not compatible?"
"Look, I'm really sorry," she says, wincing and sidestepping around him, watching him turn around with his eyes trained on her. "It's not you, Mikuo. But I'm interested in someone else. So, um… I've got to go."
"Someone else?" he squawks, reaching a hand out to her. "Rin-"
She dodges him loftily, her feet picking up a quick pace along the sand, and then breaking into a sprint that sends her weak lungs on fire. She doesn't stop to talk with him longer, even after he shouts her name behind her- there's someone else she has to see right now.
One person only.
She flies through the back door of the vacation house, zipping past a confused-looking Yuuma and Gumi. Pounding up the stairs, and then taking dutiful strides forward to her room door, she takes a deep breath (a struggle after the run she just had,) right before throwing it open and walking inside.
Len is sitting, fully clothed this time, on the edge of her bed, his gaze cast aside to somewhere far away. As soon as she enters, he leaps to a standing position, his baby blues landing on her, and his mouth opening instantly.
"Rin," he breathes, her name like a lullaby on his lips. "There you are."
She can see all those emotions she was feeling earlier tripping across his expression, lighting up his face in different ways, and he seems unsure what to do. But for once, Rin is the one who does.
Crossing the room in just a second, she stops in front of him, barely leaving space between them. Her hands rise and clasp against his cheeks, cupping his face in both palms and making him stare into her eyes. Her heart flutters wildly just by being entranced in his gaze.
"Rin?"
She places a finger against his lips, silencing him.
"Len…" she softly murmurs. "I'm not going to run away anymore."
He raises a brow questioningly, trying to peer through her to understand, and she shakes her head lightly.
"...I'm sorry for running out on you earlier. I was honestly just… confused by myself," she admits to him. "I didn't know how to take it. What we did last night was… shocking to me. You are a shock to my system, Len. You make me rethink everything I say and do, but I couldn't come to terms with it until now. I… I really thought about it. About you. About what I want in this world."
She inhales, letting herself close her eyes for just a moment to gather her words into coherency.
I know what choice I'm making. It may not last, and I may not end up agreeing with it in the end, but for now… this is what I feel is right. This is what I want and need.
I will choose for myself, for once.
"When I got you, I didn't know if I'd accept you. And at first, I didn't. I struggled a lot to make you into something real in my head. I couldn't get past you being… an android, but I think I've finally made myself understand it all. I can take you as you are now."
"Rin," he murmurs, his hands reaching up to lightly grip her wrists. "What are you saying?"
Her fingers tighten against his cheeks, pressing in a little.
"...I'm saying I want to be with you," she finally says, gazing up at him unflinchingly. "I want to be with you, Len. I told Mikuo I don't want to see him anymore, either. Not that it matters, because you've been more than supportive even during that. But I want to give this a chance, while I'm still brave."
Something flashes across his cerulean blues.
"...Okay," he says, leaning forward until his forehead connects with hers. "As long as it's what you want."
"It is. But…"
She trails off for a moment, letting herself calm a little at the proximity between them.
"...I'm still just not ready to- to sleep with you, Len. Last night, I lost control and I just wanted you, and I don't regret that. But I'm not ready for that again for awhile yet. Let's still take this slow."
"That's fine," he replies easily, his breath brushing against her face like a light breeze.
"And there's one more thing," she says, gently pushing him away so she can look at him seriously. "One last thing. About last night that I need to address."
"What is it?"
"I told you to say 'I love you' last night," she reminds him, and he nods. "About that… I feel like you only said that because I made you. I told you to, and you didn't protest, but I want you to say it when you really feel you're in love. I want it to be genuinely because of your feelings, not because of what I want or what you're programmed with. I know that's a tall order, but…"
He chuckles a little under his breath, a strangely relaxing sound.
"I wonder when you'll believe me when I say it?" he quips quietly.
She blushes red. "Hey, listen... "
He shushes her. "Don't worry. I'll follow your instructions. I feel that the same should be said to you then, as well."
Rin nods her head. "Okay. You're right. I take this pretty seriously, so…"
"I understand. I'm yours, Rin," he says, his hand releasing her wrist to brush the backs of his fingers along her cheek. She can't help leaning into it, not even realizing how starved she is for physical affection. "I am here to be with you. If that's your desire, then it's mine as well, and I'll accept your feelings as they are."
She breathes out, a long exhale she didn't even realize she was holding onto.
"...Okay," she says, moving forward and dropping her arms to his waist, wrapping them tight around his torso and pressing her face firmly into his chest. He easily returns the hug, his arms strong and secure as he pulls her in. "Okay, Len."
She closes her eyes, feeling a sense of relief that's never been so real before. It's like she's finally dropped a weight off her shoulders that she's been carrying since the day Len woke up. Now that she's finally accepted it, it's so much less terrifying…. And in Len's arms like this, it just feels okay to feel again. To accept his gentleness, his love and affection.
I think I can finally stop fearing this. I know it's temporary, but just for a little while I can be happy.
For now I can be a normal girl in love.
Unbeknownst to her, yet just barely caught with Len's superior hearing, is the sound of footsteps shuffling away from her doorway.