I'm so lost inside myself.
The world is full of pain, and I am living in it, breathing it in every second. I am falling deeper into this pitch black void.
My hands can't hold on to anything, and I can hear voices that are trying to reach me, but I can't reach them.
I want to reach them. No…
I want to reach Len. I just want him to know I'm here. I'm waiting.
Len, please, come find me.
I can't escape this alone.
.x.X.x.
His hand is gripped tightly around hers.
A soft beeping echoes through the room, and everything is a sterile, eye-piercing white. The feeling of coldness that permeates the atmosphere refuses to disappear despite the many bouquets of flowers littering most inches of counter space.
It's impersonal, nothing like its current occupant.
Len's eyes wander up the pure white bed to the pale hand held by his own, then further to the ashen face of Rin herself, lying prone against the stiff pillow the hospital had given her. Her eyelids are firmly closed, and her bright golden hair fans her face across the fabric, her chest rising and falling at a measured pace.
God, Rin, why?
He can't stop thinking about what happened. The blood that coated her skin, the glazed look in her eyes. He's seen something similar from her before, but never like this. The time she'd fallen in the kitchen- no, there were more instances, far more warning flags he should've been seeing, but now it's laid bare for him to see as clear as day.
The things she hadn't been telling him… Suddenly it's all right here in front of him, helpless under a thin blanket.
How? How could this have happened?
How could he have not noticed? Usually androids are given a memory file about most details on their recipient, but he had nothing on this. No matter how hard he searched every file in his database, there was nothing to prepare him for what's going on now.
After what Rin's doctors had told him when they checked her in, he now understands the things he's seen her do, or what she's said before.
Her bouts of incredible fatigue, lack of energy, slowness some days; it all led here, and now he's met a destination he had never wanted to be.
Because now he has no choice but to face the facts he can no longer deny. All the clues have left him here.
He no longer has the luxury of doubt. He can't look at Rin in this bed and say everything's fine.
The doctors said it was life threatening; down to a shortness of a few days or a few months, tops.
Rin was… is… sick.
Fatally sick.
His insides twist up at the realization that this is something that will never go away. He'd extensively questioned the doctors about what was going on, and when he realized they were nothing but unhelpful, there was little that could be done.
They said she had been sick a very long time, long before he had ever been part of her life. She's still been regularly coming in for testing, to no avail on a solution. Len couldn't bear to repeat the tone they'd used to say her body is failing; clipped, snappy, impatient. Waiting for her to die, it seemed; or maybe his wounded heart paints it that way.
Why couldn't she have just told him what was going on? Maybe because of his sentience she had chosen to keep it a secret, or maybe she never wanted to tell him in the first place. Surely he could understand not saying anything when he was first introduced to her, but now?
After all they've been through, is this how it ends?
He's hurt, somehow. Like Rin had stabbed his chest open, a fate worse than the day he was ripped apart. A betrayal from her is actually so much worse, yet he can't just say this was a willing choice on her part.
Perhaps she was waiting for the right time. How do you address the fact that you're… dying?
Rin is dying. Dying slowly, and he can't do anything to save her. It's horrifying to no end.
It only leaves him sitting here hoping in vain that she still wakes up, soon, so he can see her sapphire eyes and hear her laugh again. See her smile and have it warm the frozen cogs in his machinery.
That time I wanted to spend with her… 'the rest of her life'. I don't have that option any more.
What does the rest of it entail? A few days? A month? Maybe even a year?
How long do I have before she's gone?
It's all crashing down on me and I…
For once Len is lost as to how to proceed. Usually his programming can fix up a path for him to take to understand this to its fullest extent, yet some part of him, the rampant life surging through his wiring, doesn't want to grasp it. If he comprehends that her life is ending at a rapid pace, how can he go on? How can he take that the one person on this earth who knows the real person behind his manmade facade is about to disappear?
What will happen after Rin is gone? Will he be scrapped? He'll be useless after she's gone. An android completely customized for one person can't be easily changed. What if they erase his memories of her?
It's a terrifying, creeping reality that may have to set in sooner than later. It leaves another new feeling gnawing at his insides; some kind of swirling, aching darkness. Depression? Despair?
Rin…
How can time with her be so short now? He's only had the privilege of a year with her. All the time they've spent together will all become for nothing.
Is this how it feels to lose the person you love? This aching that only grows stronger the longer you look at them?
No, she isn't gone yet. He might have much more time than they said. Humans are strangely resilient sometimes; perhaps Rin would be a lucky one who pulls through for many years. This could be just a bump in the road for her, and he could be blessed with just a little longer.
Please, give him a little longer.
"...Len?"
Her voice snaps him back, and he leans closer to the love of his life, meeting her bleary blue gaze. A warmth fills him again, relief flooding him to see her responsive again.
She looks so sick, so pale and weak.
"Rin," he breathes. "You're awake."
"Where am I…?"
She twists in her bed, trying to sit up, but Len presses a hand to her chest and pushes her back down, earning himself a confused look.
"Don't get up, you need to rest longer."
"No, I'm fine. I can get up." She tries again, only making him repeat his actions. Her lips purse together with dissatisfaction.
"I said stay," he growls softly, his tone finally getting through to her.
She narrows her gaze at him, but something stops her from biting back. Maybe the look on his face is enough, because she simmers down a little, her fingers twining with his softly.
"When can I go home?" she asks.
He frowns. "Not soon. They said you may need to stay here, for an… indeterminate amount of time, Rin. Because of your condition."
She freezes, and he can feel her pulse quicken at her wrist. Though she was pale before, the new shade of white she turns may be record breaking.
"...They told you, didn't they?" she asks, not really a question but a statement laced with concern.
He nods his head. "...Yes."
She deflates, falling back into the pillow without his persistence and staring straight forward. Her mouth is twisted into a troubled line. Her blue eyes have lost their fire, and in turn so has he.
"Rin."
"Len, please," she says, her voice raspy all of a sudden. Her eyes are filling with tears faster than she can stop them, but she doesn't look his way. "Just… give me a second."
He quiets for her, and she inhales sharply, wiping the tears away with a rough hand and continuing to frown. When she seems to have composed herself, she glances at the ceiling, clearly thinking over what she needs to say.
"...I'm sorry, Len."
He blinks, confused. "What?"
"I said, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you didn't know until now. I didn't know how to tell you."
Her words are aching and sad, and he isn't sure how to respond, so she keeps on.
"I still don't know how to talk to you about it. Right now I can't believe I'm even here, but I suppose I should've known this would happen. I've been evading it for a long time, but it's finally coming to haunt me."
There's a bitter resignation in her tone.
"What are you talking about?" he asks calmly, trying to catch her gaze.
"I'm saying that I- god, well… I've been sick since I was younger. Not long after my parents died, actually."
Finally she peeks at him, and he mourns the lack of soul he sees.
She can't hold it long, before she drops her eyes to her blanket and keeps them there, her hands white-knuckled and gripped tight to each other in her lap.
"I know it was wrong of me not to say anything, but…"
There's a pause, then-
"Rin, how could you do this?"
Her head snaps up, surprised by the outrage in Len's voice, and even more so by his expression. He can't help it; his entire body is taut with frustration and betrayal. How can he feel like this so clearly? It's emanating from his core.
She's hidden it from him all this time, and the betrayal hits him square in the soul, flowing out in words.
"What am I supposed to do for you when you keep things like this from me?" he says, and his voice cracks, something he had no idea was possible. "You've been- been dying, and you're apologizing? I am supposed to be able to take care of you. I needed to know from day one, so why—?"
He's so angry, yet this rage feels so brokenhearted.
She can't meet his eyes still, though he searches her faded complexion for answers. Her teeth grit, and he sees her jaw go taut, tears now rolling down her cheeks freely.
"I didn't want you to treat me differently," she whispers. "I didn't want you to treat me like an invalid, or like I was gonna die any second. I only wanted to be seen as… as normal. Healthy. I wanted to pretend everything was fine. I- I wanted to live in a lie."
He becomes quiet, while Rin begins to weep openly in front of him.
"I wanted some kind of perfect world for a little while where I was just Rin, and you were just you, and nothing else mattered. And for a little while that worked, but it's not like I could hide it forever. I knew that, I did, but something inside me just couldn't get the words out. We started to get closer, and I got sicker, and I was terrified that once you knew you'd go back to being fake."
She hiccups softly, her hands frantically batting the tears away yet still leaving streaks on her pale cheeks. After a moment of him allowing her an uninterrupted cry, she gathers herself and finds her composure.
"I don't have any family, Len. It's not like I was going to be a big loss, which is why I got you. Now here we are, and the truth is out, and you have to make a choice."
He narrows his eyes. "What?"
Her mouth is in a thin pressed line, and she stares him down now.
"Are you going to stay with me now that you know? I don't have to keep you here with me anymore."
"Rin… what are you saying?' he begins, but she hushes him.
"I'm telling you, that if you walk out the door right now, I won't stop you." She inhales deeply. "You can go. You don't have to watch me suffer. You can have a chance out on your own. You're very realistic, and with your condition, you'll most likely never be discovered. You could live a long life."
He gapes at her.
"You can't honestly be asking me to abandon you right now."
She becomes sheepish, glancing away again. "I am."
He gauges her expression, unpleasantly realizing that she's being serious. His heart shatters in twain with the thought.
How could he ever leave her like this? At this moment in time, she needs him more than ever. The mere idea of going anywhere while she's trapped here is impossible.
She underestimates his loyalty to her, but at the same time, he can't fault her for this final attempt to push him away. It's easy to send someone packing when you have nothing else to lose. When you know the outcome isn't going to ever be in your favor.
She's trying to spare him heartache, but it's too late. He can't go anywhere without her. He could never stomach the thought.
He is hers forever, even if forever isn't far off.
Shaking his head, he offers her a halfhearted smile.
"I'm sorry, Rin, but I'm afraid you can't get rid of me that easily," he says, catching her curious eyes. "I'm here for you until the end of time."
She frowns. "Len-"
"No, no," he says, waving a hand. "Don't bother. I'm not going anywhere even if you try to force me. I was made for you, Rin. I will always be here for you. Besides," he shrugs, "Maybe this is all just a bunch of overdramatic hospital jargon and you'll be fine."
It takes a moment, but she offers a watery smile despite his hollow words. They both know he's speaking nonsense, but if he offers nothing encouraging, she'llc continue to doubt and try to close herself off. He needs to make sure she hangs on to him and only him, so he can keep her afloat during this. If he doesn't, she may descend and her health may deteriorate faster.
She giggles, a heartless sound that feels forced, but it places a small smile on her face nonetheless.
His eyes flicker to his pants pocket, where the felt box with the ring meant for her lies restless to be taken out. His chest falls.
He had wanted to offer her marriage, but now he can't bring it up. Something keeps him from spitting out the words he needs to say to make Rin his wife, and the feeling that she wouldn't be happy if he did. Instead the ring burns a hole in his pocket and he can only fidget with it, wishing he could bypass all these negative human emotions and give her something happy.
If only I could do something more for her, but all I can do is sit here and protect her. I can offer her anything she wants, and I will do anything she asks. Whatever Rin needs, I will be here… Until that day.
He meets her gaze and his fingers tightly grip the box outline. If he had a heart, it would be pounding with anxiety.
No matter how long Rin has left, I will take care of her. I will always make her happy. I will sacrifice anything and everything I can for her.
I only wish we had more time.
A/N: I know this is a long time coming but I am unmotivated and so much is going on. But I will finish this. There's no more time left. I'm rushing a little but I still will make sure this is properly written.
Rin and Len's stories are twining together in vivid color, but will soon become dull and faded.
See you again soon.