Hello everyone… Hmm… maybe I should just stop apologizing for taking such long times in between updating. Since sorry doesn't mean anything when I keep doing it. Anyway, here's another chapter finally…

First thing, if you do like my Epilepsy/ seizure awareness story. After updating this story I celebrated four years without tonic-clonic seizures YAY. And then, I started another story. For Cobra Kai that is called "Leaving the past behind to make room for the future" So if you like my awareness stories I think you should check that out.

"…So of course. You can't stay at mine since Cam's away and she's going to be in New York for yet a while. But we were thinking also after she comes home, you need to be spend time with Carmen and other people your own age. So I, Mike, Cam and your social worker were all thinking that it might be for the best if you continue having your respite care here."

I didn't need to wait for Lily to say what she thought of spending her respite care at Elm Tree House instead of with me and Cam, I could see her feelings in the way her eyes only shined when she was really excited and looking forward to something.

"Well then." Mike leaned back once Lily had left the office. "I guess you will talk to Cam so… you can go back home and come back in a few hours, for your night shift."

"Oh. I don't have to go anywhere." I said, fast so I wouldn't have the time to think of something else. "Of course I wanted to be here for that meeting with Lily. And there's just no meaning with me to go home now. With all the paper work that needs to be done and everything. I could just as well do it while you take care of the kids. Instead of going home, sitting in front of the TV for a couple of hours and then coming back or my night shift."

Before anyone could say anything, me the least I span around and stomped through the hallways towards the office, where I picked out a document, without even looking which one and threw myself down into the chair to work.

I did quite a lot of work that day, then I needed to do the one with adding that Lily would come here for respite care. Then some new notes about Elektra, and it went on and on and on.

The time seemed to go very fast but a very slow kind of fast that day. A part of me wanted the day to last forever and never turn into evening. While another part of me thought paper job was as boring as ever and saw no end of it.

Usually when I, or anyone did paper work, we'd take files of the one kid or siblings, do that, put the files back and start the next, I just laid the one I was finished with by the computer so I could go back and work on it and find it easily.

"Tracy…" When Gina came into the office on her way home she looked over what I had done. "When you're finished with some files you have to put them back. Now look at this mess!"

"I have a system!... And I'm almost finished for today."

"Why doesn't anyone of us go back to this in the morning? You've been working here all day… The children are sorting out for a party for Lily's coming back and even Elektra seems happy for the moment. You go and help them."

"But Mike said he wanted me to do this now."

Gina peered, and more than ever before, at least she was Gina! Had Mike been here I would have felt more than ever to just curl up into a ball and cry, then whimper something that I didn't want to be alone.

"Well…" I jumped when I suddenly heard a voice I knew, from the open door. "…Well, maybe you should tell Mike how much, because he doesn't remember that conversation."

There needed to be something I could say…

"Tracy, what's wrong?"

"Nothing." I made sure to say before I would have the time to say anything else. "Seriously? What's up with you two today? Don't you always want me to do paper work."

"Yes well…" Mike answered. "That's just it… You willingly doing paper work… huh? Can you just talk to us?" We're noticing there's something… Is Cam alright?"

Finally a question I could answer truthfully.

"Cam's fine."

"So why are you doing all of this extra work that can just as well wait until another day- some time you're less stressed… we're all less stressed really because we can't help but feel distressed with seeing you act like this."

"Tidy office, tidy…"

"Please." Gina interrupted. "Don't."

I shut my mouth so hard and quickly my teeth shattered towards each other.

There must be something I could say.

There must be something that could make Gina believe me so she wouldn't keep asking. So that I wouldn't have to keep lying and pretending and yet another day was gone before the day that Cam would return.

When Gina didn't say anything else, I started piling the papers and documents more carefully than I had before. If she and Mike came back tomorrow morning that way, they might not see I was falling apart…

Now, followed another day of those lies…

When Mike and Gina had left and I moved from the computer, but leaving all papers ready for tomorrow on the desk, piled up carefully I walked out the door- there was always something more in a place like this!

Some hours later, when I changed into my pyjamas, brushed my teeth and went to sit down on the staff bed of Elm Tree House I, by the second started feeling more and more feverish and dizzy.

Of course, if I had just been on my way of getting an infection then that could explain the dreams I'd been having. And whenever the infection was over and gone I would stop having nightmares. And after all, there was no way I'd have to worry Cam or Mike with it.

But how long could it be until then?

As if that would make any of them go away tonight, I had stayed awake until I couldn't keep my eyes open. And it hadn't helped last night. But this time I was at Elm Tree House, a house full of people and Mike was arriving in the morning.

Anyway, I had only had those nightmares for a couple of nights. But having them as soon as I fell asleep, waking up bathing in sweat and hyperventilating. These felt like years.

And after all, I couldn't help that with all of me there wouldn't be more nightmares tonight.

What if I screamed in fear asleep and woke the children up?

Or what if someone noticed me tossing and turning and breathing heavily and would tell Mike about what had happened and there would be yet something else I had to explain to him. Of course without telling him the truth. Because I didn't want to worry him…

I didn't lie down, perhaps here I could just keep myself from sleeping.

If I fell asleep I was so afraid I'd be back there. With my mum and Cam on a boat. And a tsunami would come in and the anchor didn't help for anything and…

I flew up into sitting position, I was bathing with sweat and I couldn't breathe…

Random fact

I don't write chapters right up and down but the pieces I have ideas for and then tie them together sort of. This chapter has had like ten pieces before I started writing in between.

Fourth chapter finished in 2023