Edwin P.O.V.
It's early June and protests have sparked across both the nation and world after the unjust death of George Floyd in the hands of a Minneapolis police officer.
This incident has been one of many, many attacks and deaths targeted against people of color by police that have been going on in both the US and other nations for at least a century.
Jasiri and I have been joining several protests in support of the Black Lives Matter movement to combat police brutality, racial profiling and other unjust socioeconomic practices that have been committed against people and communities of color.
Outside of joining the protests with signs, we also show support by supporting Black-owned businesses when we can, donating to causes and organizations that help out communities of color in one way another and have been doing our best to spread awareness of how systemic racism affects different aspects of society, along with ways of how we can combat systemic racism in our everyday lives.
These protests have helped open up more in-depth conversations regarding racism and bias in US and world societies. Jasiri and I have taken part in discussions with friends, family, acquaintances, neighbors and other people to have multi-faceted discussion on such topics
I have been taking this time to educate myself on how I can be a better ally for marginalized communities. I have been learning a lot about myself. I have been feeling guilty recently because before this year, I have not been as active in protests in response to previous incidents of police brutality-related deaths. Though I was also disgusted at these deaths and tried to be the best ally I could, I now feel that I wasn't good enough of an ally because despite also participating in discussions in the past, I was not previously involved in protest or walkouts. There are times I think I have unintentionally contributed to the ongoing problem of systemic racism by doing nothing, which in many cases is just as bad as directly contributing to the actions of racist social institutions.
Also based on what I have seen in both the protests I recently been to, what I heard from other protestors, and have read and seen on the news, many if not all police departments don't seem to give accountability to themselves for their wrong-doings at all.
It's clear that the police are still focusing on all the wrong things. I have seen altercations in both Chicago and videos from other cities that show police using excessive force on protestors, sometimes even using tear gas when the majority of protestors, including Jasiri and I, were protesting peacefully as part of our first amendment rights.
It is clear that the police care more about property than actually protecting people. It is clear that many departments seem more interested in exerting power over the people than protecting them. The only people they do seem to be interested in protecting are rich, white, property-owning individuals.
These police officers and departments are literally proving our point that there are serious problems, biases and prejudices both in regards to how they treat communities of color and even their style of policing in general. The officers seem more interested in saving their own asses rather than actually trying to make any legitimate improvements to society that do not involve over-policing.
I've been reading about this thing called the Blue Wall of Silence, where essentially police officers intentionally try to cover up or undermine the wrong-doings of their colleagues, while those who actually do call out their colleague's wrong-doings get excommunicated by their colleagues or even the department in one way or another. This shows that there are deep systemic flaws within police departments themselves.
To be fair, knowing times when the Chicago PD made the news, I've never had a high trust in cops to begin with. It's been clear that most cops care more about locking people up than actually helping anybody or solving crimes regardless of racial/ethnic background, class, sex, gender, sexual orientation or other socioeconomic factors.
Trump is even worse. He tries to demonize the protestors by focusing on incidents where looting or property damage occurred. Other conservative politicians on the news seem to be doing the same. Plus I thought that the action of sending the National Guard to some cities was excessive and unnecessary.
Why the fuck were tanks sent to peaceful protests?! This just proves the point of excessive force and militarization in American police departments.
Along with educating myself more on matters of race, class and social justice, I have also been using this to help educate some of my acquaintances and family members on these topics.
I have had mixed results in that venture.
It is a Sunday, a day after Jasiri and I participated in a protest. She just came back from doing groceries since it was her week to do groceries.
"Hey Edwin, got back from the store. It took me forever to find the laundry detergent we use but I found it. How have you been?" Jasiri said as she closed the door and started taking off her mask, eventually heading into the kitchen to put away groceries.
"I'm okay…..actually no, I've been exhausted and stressed recently." I replied while I turned from my laptop screen to turn towards Jasiri.
"Really? What's wrong?...Is it your family again?" Jasiri asked me.
"Pretty much. As you know, my mother and I share the same progressive liberal political values, so we agree on most if not all facets in regards to both recent events and America's history of systemic racism. You saw that she participated in a few discussions and conversations we took part in. But both of us are having trouble conveying our perspective to other family members. Compared to Katrina and I who have been born and raised in the city all our lives, all our first cousins were born and raised in suburban communities where they were never really exposed to a particularly wide range of perspectives. My mother, father, aunts and deceased uncle were also raised in those types of communities, but my mom and dad broke free of the suburban bubble, though I think my dad went back to a suburban lifestyle after he moved to Florida and remarried. So far, in regards to discussion, Katrina and I seem to be on the same page, though she has been incredibly busy, communication has been limited. I am also making some progress with conversations I've been having with some of the cousins on my mom's side, while others have been either just okay or very limited. But I have been having difficulty with my mother's sisters and their husbands because they either don't seem to completely understand me and my mother's perspectives, holding on to old-fashioned ways of thinking or keep trying to divert the conversation to different topics even when I feel that the topic of systemic racism is a topic we need to discuss more. Even before recent events, I never talked to the cousins on my dad's side because they are just horrible people in general. Last time I ever communicated with them was at my uncle, their father's, funeral. Oh my father, DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON HIM! Before the pandemic, all I ever got from him were 'Happy Holidays' or 'Happy Birthday' texts. But now he has been texting me pandemic-related conspiracy theories to me at least once a week, and has been basically sending me pro-Trump propaganda since the protests started. Even when I tried to tell him that what he has been sending me is both factually and morally wrong, he won't listen to me and try to write me off as 'young and confused' or having poor judgment and stuff like that. First of all, I am mad that he is continuing to spew hate and conspiracies he has done, and second, most of the information he has sent me has been factually proven wrong by reliable sources. This just proves that he hasn't changed ever since I have grown up, he refuses to accept that he is, has been and can be wrong. Not only did he contribute to a tense and somewhat toxic home atmosphere growing up, but he has been spewing these kinds of biased and prejudiced opinions to the family for years,nor has respected any aspects of me as a person. He doesn't like how I'm not the stereotypically hyper masculine and emotionally detached male. He doesn't like that I have a career in the sciences, and not the business career he wanted me to have. He doesn't like my politics with me being Democrat and he being Republican. I can't believe he is still spreading hateful and inaccurate misinformation. With this and all the other stuff that has been going on, sometimes I just want to scream…" I said before placing my hands on my face while plopping on the couch. I'm starting to get a headache.
"Edwin, are you okay? What's wrong?" Jasiri asked.
"Yeah, I think I am just getting a headache. I think I need some aspirin." I said as I walked to the medicine cabinet in our bathroom.
Jasiri P.O.V:
It was a Friday night, I am in my hybrid form, Edwin and I finished our remote work and are ready to relax for the rest of the night.
I recently changed into some more casual clothes after taking a shower. They consisted of a lavender T-shirt and matching shorts. I walked into the living room, noticing that our Black Lives Matter sign that the two of us placed by our window was tilting a little, so I went to the window and straightened it to its proper position. I then plopped on the couch and started scrolling through my phone.
I soon heard Edwin walk in with his hair tied in a bun, also in his usual casual ensemble of a blue t-shirt and black sweatpants. He seems to be doing better today, lately he has been more distant and irritable lately. Probably because ever since his dad started texting him misinformation and conspiracy theories regarding the pandemic and the recent protests, he has spent a majority of his time outside of work arguing with his dad either through text or phone call. Twice I can recall those arguments developing into downright screaming matches between each other. I just hope we can at least avoid him having a third screaming match on his phone.
"Hey Jasiri, how have you been doing?" Edwin asked me.
"I'm doing fine, just glad that today is Friday. How about you?" I replied.
"Same, I just can't wait to just relax and finally have some free time. I was just about to get-" Edwin was optimistically saying….that was until the text alert tone sounded from his phone.
He took out his phone from his pocket and the expression on his face immediately changed to one of anger.
"Seriously?! You have to be fucking kidding me. I'm sorry Jasiri, I just need to go settle this." He said before speed walking into our bedroom and closing the door.
I decided to take this moment to reach out to two specific people I've been wanting to reach out to recently for a private FaceTime. Now I have the time since Edwin is busy right now.
I took my phone, clicked on my message app and clicked on Kendall's name.
Hi Kendall, are you busy right now/ because I want to talk to you about something personal and private via FaceTime? If not, let me know anytime you are available to talk.
I then copied the message before sending it to Kendall, after which I then clicked on Julia's name and pasted the message I sent Kendall into the message bar, but the name from Kendall to Julia. After I sent the message, I waited for less than two minutes before Kendall sent me a response.
Hey Jasiri! It's been going. Sure, I'm up to chat, I'll be ready in five minutes.
I was heading to the FaceTime app when Julia texted me back.
Hi Jasiri, sure I'll be happy to FaceTime. I will be available in just a minute.
I soon headed for the FactTime app, adding Kendall and Julia's numbers to the chat.
There was some ringing with my image until both Kendall and Julia both appeared on my phone screen.
Like me, their cameras are also on. Julia's camera depicted her sitting at her kitchen table, wearing her hair in her typical bun, while wearing a casual burgundy blouse. Kendall's video feed depicts her in her living room, with her hair also tied back, wearing a black shirt with a gray collar line.
"Hi Jasiri," Julia said.
"Hey Jasiri how- Oh hi Mrs. M, I didn't know you were also on this chat! How have you been? It's been a while." Kendall said.
"Oh hi Kendall, it's been a long time. Plus you can just call me Julia, or Ms. Sala if you must, I went back to my birth last name a while ago. I'm fine, how about you?" Julia asked.
"I'm fine myself. Though I am a little confused, Jasiri, why are Julia and I both on this chat, I thought you said you wanted to talk in private?" Kendall said.
"Well I do, I actually want to speak with both of you about something." I said.
"Okay, what would you like to speak with us about?" Julia asked.
"Well I called both of you because you both have known Edwin much longer than I have. And recently, he has been arguing with his father via text and phone call. He has told me that he hasn't really had a good relationship with his father, and before they only really texted each other on holidays or birthdays, never really contacting each other. So I called the both of you to ask what you know about Edwin's relationship with his dad in the past to gain insight on this because he has been more distant and stressed than usual. He has been trying so hard to inform his dad about systemic racism, police brutality and the dangers of misinformation, but as Edwin told me, talking to his dad is like talking to a brick wall. So do you have any input on this?" I asked.
"Well, he has told me in the past that he and his dad have had their fair share of heated discussions when he was a teenager. I've only met his dad in-person only once or twice, and both times he seemed to have a neutral expression on his face. Edwin has told me that he and his dad have completely different political views, so there were disagreements and conflicts. And he did tell me once that since graduating high school, he grew much more distant with him" Kendall replied.
"Well I can confirm that Edwin did not have a good relationship with his father. The majority of the conversations they have had since age 11 were heated discussions and arguments relating to politics, world events and other stuff. Even before Edwin was 11, they were never close because they had little to no common interests. It also didn't help that his father and I used to fight all the time. Trust me, Edwin saying that his dad was a brick wall is an understatement. His dad never took accountability for anything he did wrong, nor any of the arguments he initiated or never accepted that his political, religious or personal beliefs are wrong in so many cases. To be honest, two of my biggest regrets of my life were not coming out earlier in my life and not getting out of that marriage earlier, because not only was I living a lie with someone I didn't love, but I allowed two children to be raised in an environment of frequent tension. In fact after he graduated high school, his relationship with both his father and myself became incredibly strained. After the divorce and me coming out, my relationship with Edwin eventually improved to what it is now, but with his dad ... .that relationship was still pretty strained the last time I checked. In fact, the last time I even communicated with Edwin's father was when he told me that he was getting remarried. If anything, I wouldn't be surprised if he and his father eventually stop having any relationship." Julia said.
"Yeah, that makes sense.I once had to end a friendship with this woman I once knew because they were making insensitive jokes about race and ethnicity, sometimes at my expense. I tried to tell her how offensive her jokes were, but she just wouldn't stop nor respect any boundary I've set, so one day, after one offensive joke to many, I just told her off, blocked her and unfollowed her from everything and contact with her pretty much stopped after that. In this case, I think it might be best to just ask if he wants to further talk about it, and listen if he does. Plus if it were me in Edwin's position, like Julia, I would probably stop talking to the father too because it doesn't matter if two people share DNA or not, if the relationship becomes toxic even when they are already distant, it is not worth keeping that source of stress in one's life." Kendall said.
"Okay, I appreciate the input. I guess I don't really have a lot of experience regarding parent and son/daughter relationships because both my biological parents died when I was really young, and though Makuu and Chausiku helped me during my early years in the human world and we've had parent-child-like moments, I saw that as more of a guardianship rather than a parental relationship. Plus, moving on to what's going on right now in the world, I think that it has been very informative because as I have been reading, joining protests and just talking with people has really made me think about what is going on in society, and has even made me reflect on my own experiences in life. Plus, outside of his dad Julia, he has told me that you have also been trying to help inform his aunts and cousins more about systemic racism and social justice, how has that been going?" I said.
"Well, it has mixed responses because my nieces and nephew seem to be responsive, even some agreeing with us on many of the topics before we spoke to each other. But my sisters…I've been having a more difficult time with ... .probably because of our upbringing in a suburban Catholic stayed in similar communities all their lives, which had more or less had people of similar old-fashioned perspectives and limited diversity. Even when they seemed to have accepted me at the time of coming out, lately I've been having my doubts that it was sincere because sometimes when I hear them talk, I swear I was briefly talking to my late parents. And they seemed somewhat hesitant of educating themselves on matters of systemic racism and social justice, though I do notice sometimes that one sister is more open than the other to hear a different perspective from theirs. All these events had made me think back to times when I was growing up, realizing that there were some things and opinions my parents said back then were pretty inappropriate for today…wait, correction, they were never appropriate at any time, not even in private. I guess that kinda environment kinda pressured me to stay in the closet even when I first knew I was gay when I was fifteen. But I guess I got scared to come out then because it was the mid 1970s and there were stories of parents kicking their children out of the house or sending them to psychiatric institutions because they did not accept their children's sexuality or gender identity, and sadly there are still some cases where that still goes on. I don't think I would have grown as a person if I stayed in that small suburban town environment, that's why I moved to Chicago after college. My sisters, on the other hand, stayed in similar communities, which didn't really surprise me since they had much closer relationships to our parents than I did. Though when they got older, I noticed that they did tone and dial down some of their outdated and offensive comments whenever they visited me in Chicago or when me and the kids visited, but I would have still described my relationship with my parents as more distant. Though I did appreciate my mom sometimes in the times where she talked with young Ed and Katrina when fights with their father got bad, my relationship with her was far from perfect. So I am still working on trying to get my sisters to understand or accept certain things. My cousins on the other hand, it ranges from they completely agree with me or I'm not speaking to them anymore." Julia said.
"I'm sorry to hear that, at the very least you tried to start conversations with all of them. I have had conversations with most people I know about these topics, including people who have similar and different opinions, perspectives and experiences. Most went well, including with Edwin, but there were a few that did not. Some of the more negative experiences consist of people trying to claim that they are 'color-blind', or that they 'don't see color', or even try to dismiss microaggressions as something else. I get particularly upset at those kinds of remarks because by saying those remarks, it feels as if you are denying the identity and experiences of both me and so many other people of color. All the microaggressions I have faced at work, or the times where I have been verbally or non-verbally profiled at a store or mall because a sales clerk or security guard assumed I was going to steal something because of the color of my skin, or the time I got pulled over by a police officer because they claimed I 'failed to signal' when turning when I clearly remember turning on my turn signal. Fortunately nothing major happened to me but worse things have happened to both several people I know and others…" Kendall said.
We continued to talk for a little longer until the conversation came to a natural stopping point.
"Okay, thank you guys so much for agreeing to talk with me on such short notice. This has been very productive and I hope we have more of these conversations soon." I said.
"No problem, we should definitely have these conversations more often." Julia replied.
"Yeah, we need to continue conversations. Continuing conversations are important to help both spread awareness and further understanding of systemic racism. Plus, I hope the stuff with Edwin eventually improves. Have a good night and weekend." Kendall said.
"You too!" I replied before each of us closed out of FaceTime.
As I scrolled through my phone, I heard Edwin come in and sit on the couch near me.
"Hi Jasiri, I am sorry that my arguments with my father have caused any inconvenience for you. With all that it has been causing, I have made a decision…..I set up a virtual appointment with a therapist for later this week to determine if there could be something I could do to help alleviate any of the anger, tension and other stuff related to the arguments that I have been having with my dad through calls or messaging recently. I am incredibly sorry if I have ever made you feel uncomfortable when those 'conversations' with my father ever occur. Instead of further adding to the fire, I want to take the steps to come up with a possible solution to this without repeating the same things as before." Edwin said.
"It's okay Edwin. I understand. And I am glad that you want to take steps to resolve the stuff with your dad. You've been trying so hard to inform him about police brutality and institutionalized racism, and he just seems really stubborn from what I have heard and what you have said….." II replied.
"Yeah, it doesn't surprise me that he responded like that…he has alway been like that…..Is it okay if I talk with you about some stuff?" Edwin asked.
"Sure, I don't mind at all." I said.
We continued to talk for an hour or two before we headed off to our bedroom.
Edwin P.O.V.
It is another Friday, but this time I stopped my virtual work for the week earlier today, since I am seeing my new therapist today via Zoom. I went into the bedroom, closing the door because Jasiri is still doing virtual work in another room in our apartment.
I notified Ma Tembo, who was understanding of why I had to end early today.
I just pressed on the Zoom link they sent me, with my Zoom's camera and audio turning one, then a live video image of a woman who looked to be in her mid forties wearing thin-framed glasses with short black hair, long bangs, and a black shirt. Behind her is what looked to be a mint green wall.
"Hello, you must be Edwin. My name is Dr. Poole, but you can call me Alicia. How are you?" the woman said.
"I am fine Alicia, I am looking forward to talking with you for our session today." I replied.
"Likewise, so where do you want to start off?" Alicia asked me in a calm voice.
For the next hour or so, I talked to Alicia about stuff ranging from my childhood, adolescent years, insecurities, stuff going through my mind, how I've been fairing through the course of this pandemic and the other events going on in the world, and also the stuff that has been occurring with the communications between me and my father, which also have some intersections with other things I have discussed.
"So yeah, my father has rarely been supportive of anything I have done nor I am doing with my life. That is one of the many reasons why our relationship is pretty distant for the most part. I thought things were going to calm down once we got to this distant infrequent contact, but all the sudden he keeps messaging me misinformation relating to the pandemic or his bigoted statements against the Black Lives Matter movement. It just really disappoints me because it shows that he has not changed at all since I was young, he's still the same ignorant person I knew him as since I was a kid. It also infuriates me that he even tries to use his misinformation to try to make me 'regret my life choices' when there is valid evidence that proves that the misinformation is wrong, but he just won't accept the fact, he's like a brick wall. And I feel guilty that all the arguing that has been going on between me and him is making my girlfriend feel uncomfortable. I am just wondering how could I potentially get my father to understand that the things he has been saying to me are offensive and inappropriate ..." I said to Alicia.
"Okay, so your father was never a very supportive presence in your life and has been trying to propagate misinformation and judgment of your life choices after a period of being distant with each other?" Alicia asked.
"Yes, I am not sure why the pandemic made him want to try to attack me or try to shove false information into me all of the sudden. Things seem to be better when we do not talk to each other frequently." I replied.
"Okay, but if he has been such an unsupportive, potentially toxic, presence in your life and the only non-negative times are when you guys don't really talk, then let me ask you something. Why do you still keep him in your life?" Alicia asked.
"Well….he's my dad….I share 50% of his DNA. He never hit me or abused me in an intimate nature or anything like that. He just can be a dick, and sometimes I think that I could potentially change him to be a better person by disproving the misinformation he has been propagating to me." I said.
"But you said that you have had multiple efforts to inform him about the world, but he still has not been receptive to any bit of it. Based on what it seems like, you are more likely to have negative psychological impacts, in the forms of either a nervous breakdown or taking out your anger on those you do love, et cetera, before your dad ever gets receptive to your perspective. I know since most of us were young, we have been almost conditioned to place parents on some special metaphorical shelf, but if having a relationship with them is doing more harm than good, I'm not sure it is worth having a relationship with that parent anymore, regardless of how much DNA is shared between you to. I've had many other patients who had toxic parents growing up and I think similar in those cases, I think that it might be time to let your dad go." Alicia said.
"Okay, so you think that the best thing for me is for my father and I to no longer have any form of a relationship?" I asked.
"Yes, I think it is best for your mental health to remove potentially toxic individuals in your life because keeping them in your life will only have negative outcomes in the long run. Who knows, if you keep your father in your life much longer, the stress from the recent or any future arguments could potentially lead to you taking out that anger on people you are close too…..including your girlfriend. And you said that your girlfriend had an ex that did not treat her well, including physical abuse. Just think, do you want to potentially risk becoming the next person that ends up hurting her? Either emotionally or possibly even physically if it ever gets that extreme?" Alicia asked me.
"No, I would never want that. I love my girlfriend and I don't want to cause any kind of burden for her. Plus I think you're right, I am much less stressed whenever he is not in my life and I shouldn't let some sixty-something man in Florida drive me crazy with his close-minded nonsense. You have given me a lot to think about. Thank you, I have really appreciated our session today. I hope to see you soon for future sessions." I said.
"I appreciate it Edwin, I hope to see you in more sessions in the future. I hope that what you decide will work out for you." Alicia said before we ended our session a minute later.
I have been thinking about how I am going to end contact with my father, but over the next few days I started piecing together what I plan to say in my final phone call to him.
Eventually, after some time of thinking it through, I finally know what I am going to say.
One Saturday, I knew it was Jasiri's turn to do the groceries, so I know she is going to be out during that time. I plan to do it then to get some privacy. It took a while before I went into the bedroom, sat on my bed, pressed the number next to my father's contact information to call him and placed the call on speaker.
It was ringing until I heard his voice.
"What the hell do you want?" My father asked.
"Hello Dad, I have called you because I want to say that I am tired of fighting and arguing with you." I replied.
"Oh?…so you finally came to sense what is going on in America right now, admit I'm right and apologize to me?" My father said in an arrogant manner…my irritation slowly increases.
"No. You are still wrong about most if not ALL the things you discussed. You really need more reliable sources of information…..Anyway, I came to talk to you ab-" I said before my father interrupted me
"Aw come on already! Stop acting like one of those crazy people I see on the news. Just-" My father was saying before I interrupted him.
"Do NOT interrupt me while I am speaking. Though you were never one for common courtesy just be quiet just for a moment and listen to what I have to say. Got it." I said sternly.
"Okay, no need to whine or get in a hissy fit. I'll shut up and listen to your nonsense before I correct you on your bullshit." My father said irritably.
"Anyway, I want to talk with you because the past few months, with both the pandemic and social unrest, I have started to reevaluate stuff in my life. When I take a look back at all the relationships in my life, I realize that there are no positive aspects with my relationship and interactions with you. Not even one within recent memory. They have been either negative or neutral. You have never been a supportive present in most aspects of my life. Not only have you been emotionally distant, but you have been inconsiderate, insensitive, close-minded, and many times just plain mean to me. You have never been supportive of any aspect of my life. You have never respected my values, choices, beliefs, interests or political views. You criticize every single aspect of my life. You criticized me for being into science and not business, you criticized me when I became atheist, you criticize the people I date, you criticize me for being Democrat, you criticize my personality, you criticize my hobbies, YOU CRITICIZE EVERYTHING. And most of the time, there is not even just cause for your criticism. And I want to say three words to you right now. I HAD IT. I had it with it all. Including recently, you have just been a toxic presence whenever you are present in my life. And frankly, the times when I am the least stressed and the most calm are the periods when we don't talk to each other. Ever since you started contacting me with the misinformation you send me, you are just making me more stressed than I already have with the work, research, the pandemic, living and combating against systemic injustice and police brutality. Even when I try to set boundaries, you still don't respect them even a little bit. Overall, since it does not seem like you are willing to change or respect any of my personal boundaries. And I was thinking, if the best times we have with each other where either nothing happens or we don't talk to each other, why do we even still talk to each other. To be honest….I think it's best that we no longer have any kind of relationship. I'm talking no more calls, no texts, no social media, no letters, no nothing. No contact whatsoever. I think it is best that we never communicate with each other again." I said.
"What?! What do you mean by no relationship with me? You can't cut me off like that. I am your father! I didn't abandon you or hit you or anything like that. And I paid bills while your ass was in my house from birth to before the divorce. You are so ungrateful. Did that bitch you call a girlfriend put you up to this?" My father said.
After he tried to blame Jasiri for my decision and even resorted to name-calling, refusing to acknowledge any of his faults ... . .fuming.
"ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT! You have absolutely ZERO business of dragging my girlfriend into this!
Plus, sharing DNA does NOT mean I have to have a relationship with you, we just happen to have shared sequences of nitrogenous bases and amino acid sequences in some cases! Plus you are calling ME ungrateful?! You didn't even do one supportive thing for me, Katrina or mom when I was growing up. Most of what you did was starting arguments, never picked up after yourself, never said thank you even once even when we did do something nice for you, CRITICIZED EVERYONE for everything that does not fall into your image of how people should be according to your unrealistic outdated standards, you never took accountability for things you have done wrong, even when there is evidence of it being wrong, and you were emotionally distant to everyone you knew. Oh, and by the way, THERE IS MORE TO BEING A PARENT THAN JUST PAYING BILLS AND BARKING ORDERS FOR EVERYONE IN THE HOUSE TO DO CHORES EXCEPT YOU. Though yes, you never physically did anything to me, but including recently, you have hurt me emotionally and a few times psychologically on more than one occasion. By the way, you did not pay ALL the bills when I was younger, mom paid her share of the bills too. Speaking of mom, the jokes you texted after her coming out, both NOT FUNNY and wildly offensive." I said.
"But I paid the importa-" My father tried to say before I interrupted him.
"OH PLEASE! SHUT UP! JUST FUCKING SHUT UP! After all that I have said, you still just want to focus on the bill thing!? No wonder most people, including myself, took mom's side during the divorce. I initially thought you could improve to be a more considerate and open-minded person, but you just proved again and again that you have been the same toxic person you've been since I was a kid. You've been a bad father, a terrible friend, a horrible husband, a racist, sexist and many other kinds of bigot, slob, egomaniac, and just a plain jackass. Those are the several reasons why I no longer want to have any contact with you from this point today….." I said, taking a breath at the end.
"To prevent anything further, all I have to say now is just…Bye…..Bye…..Sabino" I said, immediately hanging up the call after is not going to have the last word.
He is no longer 'dad' to me. He is just Sabino.
Soon after I hung up, I immediately started to block his number and then deleting his contact info from my phone.
I want nothing from him anymore. And he probably wouldn't want anything to do with me either after the way I told him off. If that's the case, then the feeling is mutual.
We don't even follow each other on social media anyway, so unfollowing him is one less task to do for the day.
Frankly, after I deleted his contact info I feel that a weight has been released by me. Even when there are a bunch of other racist and closed-minded idiots to worry about in the world right now. But my dad is no longer one of them since I have nothing to do with him anymore.
Yeah, this was a good decision. I think Dr. Poole was right, ending my relationship with my father is the best thing for the sake of my mental health. I'll inform her about it in our next session.
I started to head out when I saw Jasiri in the door-frame, in her human form.
"Hey Edwin….I just came back early from doing the groceries…..is this a bad time to peek in?..." She asked.
"No…I just finished what I was doing…..how much have you heard?" I asked.
"Well, I started to overhear the conversation at the point you were telling your dad about not wanting to have a relationship with him." Jasiri replied.
"Oh….I am sorry you had to see me mad, he just really pushed my buttons, even tried to blame you for my 'ungrateful' behavior. But it's over now. I'm taking my therapist's advice and cutting off all contact with that man. And I just feel that a weight has disappeared from my life. I am actually starting to feel relief." I said.
"Okay….It's good that you seem to feel relief. Do you want to talk about it?" Jasiri asked.
"Sure, we can talk in the living room, or the kitchen if you still need help putting away the groceries?" I said.
"Sure, we can talk while putting away the groceries. Fortunately, I put away all the frozen and refrigerated stuff. So it's mostly filling the cabinets and pantry right now." Jasiri replied.
"I can help you, I need a break from my phone after all that." I replied before following Jasiri to the kitchen.
Even though this is not the first time that Jasiri and I have talked about problems and such, I feel that our conversation after I cut ties with my father was particularly therapeutic for me.
Don't get me wrong, I really tried everything to see if my father and I could reach common ground, or even get him to understand my perspective on topics ranging from politics, religion, systemic racism in both the US and the world, and even just respect me as a person despite our differences. But, all resulted in nothing. He's a brick wall and nothing I said or done seemed to have done anything with him.
After all of that with my dad, I updated Alicia about it, along with progress on handling my anxiety and such. And I still plan to continue sessions whenever I feel I need it, whether it's with my anxiety or other stuff regarding my mental health in general.
Overall, I am still trying to better educate both myself, friends and relatives on how to be better allies towards communities of color, along with ways to still fight against systemic racism in everyday life. Though there are still some relatives, particularly my aunt's on my mother's side of the family, there are topics I discuss that are at least starting to change perspectives a little.
I will do my best to continue important conversations on such topics even after this summer, both at and outside of work. I commit to being an ally and advocating for social justice.
I need to continue advocating for justice for victims George Floyd and Breonna Taylor, but also continue to advocate for justice for all people who have been victims of discriminatory police brutality.
I also need to keep remembering Laquan McDonald, Philando Castile, Alton Sterling, Freddie Gray, Sandra Bland, Eric Garner, Tamir Rice, and many more.
I think that all of us need to continue these conversations if things are ever going to improve and potentially bring wide-scale change to flawed institutions.